The camera pans across a painting of the Chicago skyline as the words "Once upon a time" are written across the screen. At the same time, Sam's V.O. tells us that "Once upon a time, there was a girl who made the tiniest mistake on the way to 'happily ever after.'" Sam gets on an elevator with about half a dozen reasonably attractive men. She's on her phone, leaving a message for Todd, who won't return her call despite the twenty or thirty other messages she's left for him. She keeps talking as the doors close and the elevator starts moving. I knew they were going for a fairy tale feeling here, but I didn't realize they were going to give Sam a magical cell phone that works on elevators. Sam continues leaving the message, noting that it's pretty rude of Todd not to return her calls, although "maybe not as rude as pretending that you and I had sex to get rid of your girlfriend." All of the men on the elevator, and she tells them that the new girlfriend was no prize. She continues to leave the message as we cut to Todd's apartment, where he is deleting it. While she's still leaving it. It's like he has a time traveling answering machine.
Sam gets off the elevator and walks into her place of employment. She sees Chapman, her neurotic boss, and wishes him a good morning. He doesn't think it's so good, since this is the day that funk decided to drop in. And by funk, he doesn't mean seasonal affective disorder, or the sublime music of George Clinton. Or even Tobias Fünke. He's talking about Winston Funk, the other man besides Chapman whose name appears on the letterhead. He apparently doesn't actually do any work, choosing instead to manage the rest of his billion-dollar empire. And he's called a meeting in the conference room.
In the conference room, Chapman introduces Funk (while noting that The Wall Street Journal called him a man who needs no introduction). Funk is played by Timothy Olyphant. If I had actually watched Deadwood, I would make a joke about it or start using some really filthy language. But I didn't, so I won't. As Funk starts speaking, Andrea lets out this incredibly obnoxious girlish giggle. Also, Funk is being trailed by an ASL interpreter -- Chapman asks him why, since nobody in the room is hearing impaired. Funk: "Yet. The soul of success is anticipation." Andrea, still kind of giggly, applauds.
Sam and Andrea walk out of the conference room. Sam taunts Andrea about being in love with Funk, and Andrea calls him "the most adorable billionaire ever." More adorable than Richie Rich? Funk walks up to them and says hello, and Andrea goes all slack-jawed. He leaves, and Sam mocks Andrea's stage fright. Andrea doesn't understand what happened, but notes that Funk is everything she's ever wanted in a man. "And it's not the money, I swear it's not the money. I would love him even if he was just a millionaire." Andrea notes that he's getting divorced, and asks Sam if she should pursue him. Sam starts to say that if Andrea doesn't, she will, but Andrea cuts her off: "I will tear you apart."
Sam walks into her office and finds Funk sitting at her desk. He tells her, "Samantha Newly, the day we've been waiting for has finally arrived." He pulls a jewelry box out of his jacket pocket, opens it, and slides it across the desk. The box contains a ring with a diamond the size of Manhattan. Funk: "Will you marry me?" Sam: "Scurvy." Credits.
We return right where we left off. Funk asks Sam if she's going to try on the ring. She says no, and then pounces on the ring to try it on for just a second. It's almost too heavy for her wee bony frame to hold up. Funk moves in for a post-proposal kiss, and Sam hastily backs away from him: "You think you can just propose and then touch me?" He establishes that he's leaving his wife, and that Sam is no longer with Todd. And then Sam confesses to the amnesia. Funk thinks this is Sam's ploy to press for a larger ring. Sam: "No, that's not... Wait, they make them bigger?" Funk admires that Sam's not an easy sell. Well, not an easy sell, maybe. She gives him more info about the accident and the coma, and he finally believes her. She tells him that since she can't remember him, she really shouldn't marry him. But she does offer up Andrea as a replacement bride. Funk doesn't appear receptive, so Sam offers to leave him alone. She walks out, and then quickly runs back in to return the zillion-dollar diamond.
Sam is at the dog park with Dena and her enormous dogs. They're sitting on a bench (Sam and Dena, I mean. The dogs are on the ground) and Sam has just finished telling Dena what happened, concluding by noting that Andrea would kill Sam if she knew Sam had dated Funk. Dena thinks that a woman scorned makes a great antagonist. Sam asks her what she's talking about; it seems that Dena is taking an online course on how to write a romance novel. Her heroine is a "beautiful blonde amnesiac with a dark past and an uncertain future." Sam starts to share her Todd problems, and Dena picks up a little pad and starts taking notes. She asks Sam if she's the kind of heroine who will risk everything to win the love of the stable boy, or the kind who "just gives up and throws herself on some rocks." Sam thinks that there's nothing she can do since Todd won't return her phone calls. Dena: "Rocks." Sam grabs her pen and throws it, telling the dogs to go fetch. They just sit there, and Dena tells Sam that they've had a rough day.
Sam is standing in line at the coffee shop. She's on her phone leaving another message for Todd, telling him that he can ignore her all he wants, but she's stalked enough men to have already memorized Todd's routine. In particular, she tells him that she knows exactly when she can find him at the coffee shop buying a cinnamon roll. And then the camera pulls out and we see that Todd is standing directly in front of her. He turns around and tells her that she wins, asking her to tell him what she wants. She excuses herself for a second to end her call. What a polite young woman. He grabs his cinnamon roll and starts to walk away. She follows, and tells him that she wants him to know why she tried to sabotage his relationship with Chloe: "It's because I have these feelings...." Todd tells her not to say it, and she tells him that he doesn't even know what she was going to say. He insists that he does, and she proves him wrong by telling him that she has feelings about the Middle East, which he will never get a chance to hear. He tells her that his feelings are that he's with Chloe and nothing Sam can say will do anything but make everyone feel bad.
Sam walks down her empty suburban street under a full moon. Sam's V.O. is in full-on bodice-ripper mode: "And so, her feelings for the stable boy unrequited, our heroine headed through the dark of night, seeking comfort at the warm hearth of her kindly but addled parents." Heh. As soon as Sam enters the house, Regina and Howard ambush her, calling her their "beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and naturally blonde daughter." And the Funk pops up behind them. Sam thinks that Funk is just not used to hearing the word "no." Funk: "I hear it all the time. It's that little noise right before 'yes.'" If Sam won't marry Funk, Howard would be glad too -- especially when faced with the prospect of helicopter flying lessons. Commercials.
Sam asks Funk what he's doing in her house. Regina: "Or, 'hello, it's so nice to see you again,' is what we sometimes say to company, Samantha." It turns out that Funk is there to ask Howard for Sam's hand in marriage. A proposal that Howard was only too happy to accept. Sam starts to freak out, but Regina drags her off to the kitchen. Regina is upset that Sam never told her that a billionaire was in love with her. Sam points out that she doesn't even know Funk, and also mentions that Andrea is in love with him. Regina thinks that Andrea only loves him for his money. Sam points out that his money is the only reason Regina loves him. Regina: "Yes, but I'm not the one marrying him." As they're speaking, Regina is transferring some vegetables from a roasting pan to a serving dish. Sam tells her that she won't be marrying Funk either. Regina thinks it would be foolish to turn down such a famous and powerful person: "The man could snap his fingers and have every window in this house weather-stripped."
Sam walks Funk down the walk to his stretch limo. Funk is carrying a container of leftover potatoes that Regina foisted off on him. Sam tells him to enjoy the food, but to return the container and not to lose the lid. She's clearly put off by his having barged into her family, and to his credit he seems to get that he went over the line. But when she tells him it's cold (as an excuse to go back inside and get away from her billionaire stalker), he tells her that he can have her in Barbados by morning. Sam, ever loyal, tells him, "You know who likes the tropics and also bossing around people from third world countries is my friend Andrea." Funk tells her that she's the only one he wants. She tells him the only sound he's going to hear after her "no" is another no. He asks her if she's seen snow since the accident. She tells him to forget about heading to Aspen. Yeah, she's definitely a Park City kind of girl. Funk snaps his fingers, and it starts snowing. Sam is suitably impressed and slightly smitten, even when he confesses that he could see the snow starting to fall in the streetlight. She's grateful for the gift of her first snow, and he moves in to wipe a flake off her eyelid. As he's going in for the kiss, Howard and Regina pop up and take their picture, and then tell Sam to take a picture of her with the car.
It's another morning staff meeting. Funk is presiding, spraying the assembled staff with business platitudes. Sam can't stop looking at him and sucking her pen, and she laughs uproariously at one of his bad jokes. Andrea, no stranger to love-drunk laughter, looks at her with rage. Sam looks guilty.
In the incredibly well-appointed women's restroom, Sam and her little red shoes are sitting on an ottoman. Andrea bursts in and asks her what the hell is going on with Funk. Andrea's dress, by the way, has one strap over her left shoulder, and the other strap seems to wrapped around her right breast. It's a lot of look. Andrea accuses Sam of trying to steal Funk, and Sam responds that she kept mentioning Andrea's name to him all night long. Andrea is upset when she hears that Sam spent the night with him, and even more upset upon hearing that Funk met her parents. You can imagine how she feels when she learns that Funk proposed to Sam. Sam disclaims any responsibility for what Bad Sam did, including sneaking around behind Andrea's back with Funk. But Andrea is pissed that Bad Sam would have done that; it makes her question the basis of their shallow, vapid friendship. Andrea demands that Sam say that she has no feelings for Funk. Sam hesitates, and Andrea accuses her anew of trying to steal him. She tells Sam, "That's it, I'm done. I'm done with you, and I'm done with Funk. If he doesn't want me, it is his loss." Sam can't believe that Andrea is really done with her. Andrea affirms that she is; in fact, she hates Sam, and her cute little red shoes (which appear to be wearing little red bibs). Commercials.
Sam and Dena are at the coffee shop. As she is wont to do, Sam is telling Dena everything we just saw in the scene. She's afraid her friendship with Andrea is over. Dena, in a crappy British accent: "Oh, pish posh. Contretemps and discord are always to be expected between friends with fiery natures." Sam hopes that Dena will eventually stop talking like that. Dena: "One does hope so." And then a chauffeur with a genuine British accent interrupts them, asking if she's Miss Newly. Sam: "Yes, it is I. I mean, yes, I am." It turns out that Funk is in his car outside, and he's wondering if Sam would care to join him. Dena busily starts taking notes. Sam: "Well, tell him thank you very much, but the answer is no, I would not care to join him. I would care for him to leave me alone, and that's what I would care for." Driver thanks her for her time, and totally cruises Dena on his way back to the car. Dena, you lusty wench -- go for it! Instead, Dena reads what she just wrote: "Abandoning all chance of happiness, the heroine rebuffed the advances of the mysterious prince, even though there was no hope with the stable boy and her evil friend, Androgyna, had been trampled by oxen." Oh, Dena -- I will totally buy your book. Hearing her life described like this inspires Sam to go for the gusto; she thinks she should forget Todd and Andrea and go for it with Funk. Dena: "And with that, the heroine ran like the wind to the prince's chariot." Sam asks her, "Please don't write what I do before I do it. It's just creepy." Dena, loudly: "And still she ran!" And so she does.
Sam climbs into the back of the limo. She tells Funk that he seems nice enough, so "why not?" Why not get married, he wonders? No, why not let him buy her some coffee; "a cup, not a franchise." Oh, Sam, hold out for a small chain. Caribou would be a good one. Sam smells cupcakes. It turns out that Driver's wife makes cupcakes, and he's got some in the front seat. Driver's married? Poor Dena finally gets some attention, and it's from a dog. Funk starts describing some elaborate coffee date, but the cupcakes have triggered a memory in Sam.
Bad Sam strides through the office. Now, normally I'm one of the people who thinks that Good Sam and her cute little bob generally are cuter than Bad Sam and her blown out hair. But she is working it today, between the hair and the makeup and the tight blouse. Andrea asks Sam if she's going to see Chapman; she is, because she's going to tell him that he can't stick her with the work of the dude who had to take time off from work when his baby was born prematurely. Andrea asks Sam to put in a good word for her on her application for a promotion to a job in New York. Sam doesn't seem pleased at the thought of Andrea moving away, but she agrees to do her best. In Chapman's office, he's already prepared to be attacked about the baby thing, but he's nonplussed when Sam just asks him to deny Andrea the promotion. Sam's excuse is that Andrea is just too valuable... "to the company." Chapman agrees. Sam walks out and breaks the news to Andrea that Chapman just doesn't want to lose her. Andrea is pissed, and Sam suggests a trip to the Sweet Sugar Bake Shop.
Back in the limo, Funk is inviting Sam to attend a soccer game in Madrid. Why is it that all the men in Sam's life are men I would really like to date? Sam apologizes -- she has to go take care of some personal crises. But she offers him a rain check (on his invitation to grab a hot dog, not his invitation to Madrid). She prepares to climb out of the car, but Funk tells her that he can walk and offers her the use of the car. And Driver. He leaves, and Sam asks Driver if he knows the way to the Sweet Sugar Bake Shop. As the limo pulls away from the curb, it drives past Todd, who is looking at a tabloid he picked up. There's a photo of Sam and Funk on the cover, with the headline "Who is Funk's Mystery Blond?" Todd looks unhappy.
Sam walks up to the Sweet Sugar Bake Shop, where she finds Andrea sitting on a bench out front. Sam tells her that she remembered that they used to come to the bakery when they wanted to feel better, although she doesn't remember why. It's the cupcakes, stupid. Sam gives Andrea a heartfelt apology, claiming that the reason she kept Funk a secret was that she was too scared to lose Andrea. And she recognizes that it must be difficult for Andrea to have her best friend replaced with a completely different person. Andrea hasn't said a word, and Sam slowly turns to walk away. Andrea: "We sit here to smell the cupcakes. It's like eating them, but with none of the calories." Sam sits to her, and then works up the courage to confess to killing Andrea's promotion, again because she didn't want to lose her. You'd think Andrea would be upset, but she in turn just confesses to ruining Sam's chances at a job in L.A. Sam: "Really, you did that for me? We really do care about each other." Sam pulls a resistant Andrea in for a hug. The scene converts to a pointillist painting.
Cut to Sam's house, which is full of flowers sent by Funk. Sam's V.O. tells us, "And our heroine realized that even as she waited for happily every after, her friends would keep her company during the wait. Friends, and also a ration of the sweet cakes that came in the cup." Mmmm, sublimation cupcakes. The doorbell rings. Sam puts down her cupcake and goes to answer it. There's nobody there, but there is a fancy snow globe and a card sitting on the stoop. She closes the door and reads the card: "Snap, and shake." She snaps, shakes, and watches the glittery snow float around the globe. The doorbell rings again. This time when she opens it, she finds Todd on the stoop. Because he doesn't come with a card, she has to ask him what he's doing there. He's got the tabloid, and he wants to know who Funk is. Well Todd, he's apparently one of several men with whom Bad Sam was cheating on you. Sam can't believe she's on a tabloid, and then realizes that it's the picture her mother took. Heh. Todd repeats his question. Sam: "Just some billionaire who wants to marry me. No biggie." Todd can't believe that one day after Sam tried to get back with him, she's already dating this billionaire. Sam: "You told me you never wanted to see me again. What am I supposed to do, sit around and not get married?" And then Todd kisses Sam. He kisses the hell out of her. V.O.: "And with fire in his heart, the shy but smoldering stable boy yielded to the stunning blonde amnesiac. She was his destiny." Todd tells her, "Now look what you made me do. Damn it, Sam!" As he storms out, Sam looks pretty pleased with herself. Credits.
Best episode so far, and the excellent work by Melissa McCarthy and Jennifer Esposito knocked it up at least half a grade.
LTG is a pension and benefits lawyer in Washington, D.C., which explains why he's so bitter and mean. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.