Sam and Dena are walking down the street when they come upon a group of adorable pre-teen girls jumping rope. Sam's V.O. tells us that there are different kinds of memory; one of them is muscle memory, which will allow even an amnesiac spaz to do things like jump rope. And then Sam tries to jump rope and falls on her ass. Just in time for Todd to come along and see her. This trigger's Sam's emotional memory of liking him. They exchange pleasantries (she tells him she's doing Double Dutch, and he tells her he's been playing a lot of jacks), and then he tells her, "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." Oh, me too. She pointedly asks how his new girlfriend, Chloe, is doing. He tells her that she's fine, and then suggests that he and Sam should get together. She's very nonchalant, giving him a "sure, yeah, whatever," all while trying to contain her utter desperation. Todd walks away and Dena gives Sam a lusty "ooooh." Sam tells her to knock it off, so Dena cues the schoolgirls, who give their own chorus of "oooohs." Credits.
Sam enters her family's house, holding a box and calling out to Regina to tell her that a package arrived. Regina is excited; it's her "Natural Face Limited Edition 100 Piece Home Makeup Kit." She thinks that since Howard is off at a poultry conference, it's the perfect time for her and Sam to give each other makeovers. Sam: "You know what? It's also the perfect time to not do makeovers. I mean, how often in history does that happen?" Regina looks crushed, and then answers the ringing telephone. It's Todd; Regina tells him that Sam is not there, and whispers to Sam that she's not going to give her the phone unless she agrees to a makeover. Sam promises to be there the night and then takes the phone. Todd tells her that he made too much chili, and since he knows how much Sam always liked his chili, he'd like to invite her over for a bowl. Personally, I do not believe there is such a thing as "too much" chili. Sam makes an awful joke about chili not being chilly but hot; Regina and Todd both look like they're about to start crying. Sam recovers and tells Todd that she would love to eat his chili. I'm not sure I want to know what the means. I would Google it, but I'm scared of what I might find. This time it's Regina's turn for a little "oooooh," but Sam tells her to knock it off because Todd has a girlfriend. Regina wonders why Todd is offering his chili to Sam instead of Chloe, and Sam gleefully decides it must be because Todd likes her. And then she picks up the phone to be sure Todd's not still on the line hearing everything she's saying.
Cut to Sam and Todd eating chili. At the dinner table, with their clothes on. Well, that's one way to do it. Sam is laughing about something, but we don't hear what. And then Todd tells her that since things have been going so well for the two of them, he has something to ask her. She gets excited, until he has time to finish his sentence and ask her if she would mind if Chloe came to live with him. In Sam's apartment. Sam's fingernails are almost certainly cutting into her palm as she clenches her fist and tells Todd she'd be thrilled for him to shack up with his squeeze in her pad.
At the coffee shop, Sam has clearly told Andrea about Todd's request. Andrea thinks Sam should have just told him "no." Sam tells her that she did, except it kind of came out as "sure, why not." Sam can't figure out what to do about Todd. Andrea thinks that Todd is not the problem -- Chloe is the problem. And then she reminds Sam that Bad Sam had all kinds of ways of getting another woman out of the way -- including telling a man's girlfriend that he just sent a bottle of wine to her, and then swooping in to pick up the pieces (or just the piece, really) after the girlfriend slapped him and walked out. We see all of this in flashback -- it's our sole Bad Sam sighting for the episode. But Sam has no plans to do anything to get rid of Chloe, who has not really done anything to hurt Sam. Beth Littleford walks into the coffee shop just as the barista is calling out to tell Andrea her drink is ready. He mangles her name, so she gets up and leaves just as Sam introduces her to Audrey (Beth Littleford's character). Audrey is the president of the condo board; she tells Sam that she saw a young woman moving into her apartment last night. Sam clenches her fist again, and starts babbling about how she's completely not upset that her ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is moving into her apartment. Audrey doesn't really care about Sam's emotional maturity -- she's just concerned that subletting is a violation of the condo rules, and she tells Sam it's a violation that means automatic eviction. (Of course, the board can't really evict Sam -- she's the owner of the apartment. But they could evict Todd and Chloe, leaving Sam responsible for paying the mortgage on her own.) Sam tells her that of course she's not subletting, and then leaves the coffee shop just as Andrea starts throwing food at the poor barista.
Sam knocks on Todd's door, which is answered by a laughing Todd, who has a laughing Chloe riding on his back. Sam: "Hi. Sorry to bother you guys. I just need to move in with you." Commercials.
Todd and Chloe sit on a couch across from Sam. There's a Monopoly board on the coffee table between them. It's all very awkward, and gets even more so when Chloe and Todd laugh about some stupid in-joke about Marvin Gardens. Sam looks like she might be sick. And then I think I might get sick when Chloe pulls out a stuffed koala (which she calls her "fuzzy") and starts acting all cutesy-poo. (Emphasis on the "poo.") Todd picks up on the awkwardness, and suggests to Chloe that this might not be the best place for them to act all couply. So Chloe suggests they retire to the bedroom.
Dena enters the Newly household and quietly calls out Sam's name. She's startled to find Regina sitting at the dining room table, looking quite pissed off that Sam skipped their makeover. Regina tells Dena, "She's probably at a meeting of 'daughters who refuse to do one thing to please their mothers' club." I bet that's a big club. Dena tries to leave, but Regina decides that Dena would make a perfect substitute for Sam. Her pickup line is, "You're mother's dead. And my daughter's out gallivanting. You see how we're both suffering?" Dena is ready to leave until Regina compliments her for looking utterly adorable when she spent the entirety of fifth grade wearing a Wonder Woman costume. Regina: "So, what kind of wine does Wonder Woman drink? Cabernet, or tequila?"
Sam and Andrea are sitting on the bench in front of Sam's building. Sam is freaked out because she was forced to listen to Todd and Chloe doing it not only to the tunes of Marvin Gaye but also to Bolero. Andrea has brought her girlfriend destroying weapons, which she thinks are guaranteed to get Todd to throw Chloe out of the apartment. Those weapons consist of herpes cream, an ovulation chart, and an unopened ovulation kit. Sam tells Andrea that she can't use those weapons because she's no longer deceitful. And then Audrey arrives, and Sam completely lies to her. In a non-deceitful way, of course.
Back at the chicken ranch, Dena is applying makeup to Regina. Whoa, it looks like Dena went first, and someone set the makeup gun to "whore." Or Russian ice dancer -- it's pretty much the same look. Regina thinks that with her steady hands, Dena could have been a doctor's assistant. And then we see Regina's finished makeup -- it's still pretty aggressive, but not quite so garish. Less like Russian ice dancer and more like Ohio beauty queen. Speaking of which, Regina gets all teary because she hasn't felt this pretty since coming in second in a beauty pageant to Paula Drake. Regina is especially bitter that she never got to give an acceptance speech. So then Dena persuades her to give her speech, holding a bouquet of makeup brushes in her arms. Regina gives her speech, and then Dena tells her, "Oh my God, I felt like you were speaking to me." Regina decides that since she's shared a dark secret with Dena, it's only fair that Dena do the same. Dena thinks for a second and tells her that her dream was always to be an artist. She spent weeks trying to draw the turtle on the matchbook in order to be admitted to art school. Regina: "Oh, honey, didn't you know that was a scam? They just wanted your money, they accepted everyone." Dena: "Not everyone." Heh. Regina's response is perfect, as she tells Dena that she hates the art school for ruining her dream. Dena hates Paula Drake for ruining Regina's dream. Regina notes that Paula lives just two blocks away. Regina can't stand seeing her house, "and that ridiculous rabbit statue on her lawn, like she's better than everyone else." Dena: "Let's T.P. her house." Regina: "Oh, please." Dena: "Yes!" Regina: "You talked me into it. You're very persuasive. You could have been a lawyer's assistant." She can come work for me, if she wants -- I could use a whacky sidekick around the office.
Sam is sleeping on the couch when she hears a voice whispering her name. She opens her eyes to find Chloe looming over her. Chloe: "Todd is mine. Go near him, and I'll destroy you." Commercials.
It's morning. Sam is sleeping on the couch when a sharp bang causes her to wake with a start. She feels around for the bullet hole, and then realizes the sound came from the kitchen, where Chloe is juicing an orange. Chloe is all smiles as she offers breakfast to Sam and hands her a glass of juice, but there's a definite undertone of menace. Sam hesitantly accepts the juice, but announces that she'll drink it after she builds up a thirst. And then she dumps it in a plant as soon as Chloe's back is turned. Todd, who has been standing there reading a newspaper, tells Chloe that he'd like to be alone with Sam so they can talk. Chloe leaves, but not before making these weird growling and meowing sounds. Sam hustles over to Todd, clearly planning to tell him about Chloe's nocturnal mission. But he's more interested in telling her how upset he is that she sneaked into his bedroom and threatened Chloe. Which is what Chloe told him happened.
A puffy, bedraggled Regina wakes up on a sofa. She's wearing a toilet-paper beauty queen sash, and quite a bit less makeup than she was wearing the night before. And then she sees a giant rabbit statue sitting in the middle of the living room. In a chair, Dena makes a snuffling sound as she wakes up and blearily looks around. She takes in the rabbit, and then sees a large drawing of the matchbook turtle on the wall. The medium is either Sharpie or mascara. The two of them exchange guilty looks, and then Dena (her hair standing up on one side of her head), starts to tell Regina, "Well, thank you for a lovely..." Regina cuts her off: "Please don't."
Back at the apartment, Sam is following Todd into the living room and trying to convince him that Chloe is the one who issued the scary threat. Sam appears to have stopped off at the gym between the kitchen and living room, because her arms are pumped. Todd doesn't believe a word Sam is saying, telling her, "You're so jealous you can't see that Chloe is a sweet, caring person." Sam, laughing: "Oh boy, do you have a type!" What type is that, you ask? Well, it's the mean, scary, manipulative woman type, also known as the Sam type. Or more precisely, the Bad Sam type. Todd thinks the fact that Chloe wanted to make breakfast for Sam is proof that Sam is wrong; Sam tells him that if she was going after Chloe, she wouldn't be cooking breakfast because "she would be a blubbering mess." Just then Chloe opens the door to the living room. She's a blubbering mess, holding her fuzzy in her hand. I mean, her koala bear. Its face has been surgically removed, with purple dye smeared around one eye. Sam disclaims any feelings of ill-will towards Chloe's fuzzy. Again, referring to the koala. Well, sure, maybe she doesn't hate the koala -- but was she eying the same patch of eucalyptus? Todd tells Sam that he knows she has to stay at the apartment, but he really wants her to stay away from him and Chloe. Wow, Sam must be charging him a ridiculously low rent if he's willing to stay in the apartment after this. Sam tells the koala, "You're lucky you don't have eyes, because it is going to get ugly around here." Commercials.
Chloe enters the apartment, calling out a big hello. She notices a trail of undergarments leading to the bedroom door, and we can hear the shower running. A giggling Sam, dressed in a slinky negligee and her best fuck-me pumps, emerges from the bedroom and calls out to Todd, telling him not to get too clean. She turns around and is shocked, shocked she tells you, to see Chloe standing there. We get a few moments of Sam acting mildly repentant over getting caught fooling around with Todd while Chloe becomes increasingly agitated. But Daffy's plot... er, I mean "Sam's plot" is undone when Todd walks in the apartment through the front door. Sam claims that Todd took the secret hallway door out of the shower, but nobody is believing it. Chloe calls Sam a liar, but Sam notes that she's not the one who attacked her own fuzzy in order to gain sympathy. Chloe tries to seize the advantage conveyed by Sam's tactical blunder, gesturing wildly and telling Todd that she doesn't feel safe with Sam in the apartment. But Sam as she's gesturing, Sam notices some purple dye on her hand. It's the same color as the dye on the koala. Surprisingly, it takes Todd less than a second to decide this means that Chloe is indeed lying about attacking her own fuzzy. I wonder if that turns him on? So Chloe confesses, telling Todd that she felt threatened by Sam because "she' so beautiful and smart." Sam: "That's so not true. Oh, wait, thank you." Todd tells Chloe that there is no competition between her and Sam. Sam starts a little victory dance, clearly seeing this as the end of Todd and Chloe's relationship. But what Todd really means is that he loves Chloe. He moves in for a kiss, and Sam tells him to go ahead and let her down easy. But not too easy. Todd tells Sam to leave him and Chloe alone. The two of them walk towards the bedroom, and Sam desperately tells him that she found an ovulation kit in the trash. Todd tells her to stuff it. Her story, not the ovulation kit. Sam, near tears: "Fine, you love her. You know what I love? Getting the hell out of here, that's what I love. I love it so much that I'm just gonna keep doing it, over and over again. Starting now!" With that, she slams her way out the front door. Only to realize that she's standing in the hallway in her negligee and best fuck-me pumps. Where's Audrey when you need her?
Down in the lobby, Frank has lent Sam a long coat. She thanks him for the cover-up, and tells him she'll return the coat as soon as Andrea arrives with some clothes. She apologizes for the fact that the coat will smell of her perfume, and offers to write a note to Frank's wife explaining that they didn't have sex. Sam nervously compliments Frank on the cuteness of his little doorman station. She notices the little television on the desk, and tells him that there aren't enough interracial couples on television. Sam: "What show is this?" Frank: "That's us, on the security camera." Sam can't resist waving at herself on camera. Frank, clearly seeing what his future looks like if Sam lives in the building, tells her to move back in with her parents -- he'll cover for her with Audrey. Sam: "Really? You would do that for me?" Frank: "Not for you, no." But he's not doing it for himself either -- he's doing it because "that Chloe girl is an evil rag." Sam is thrilled to find out that someone agrees with her. Frank tells her, "I don't believe either one of you is any prize. But I can only handle one rag at a time." Sam is happier to be believed than she is angry at being called a rag, and moves in for a hug. Frank cuts her off before she can lay a finger on him.
Sam's V.O. tells us that muscle memory is great, but that you have to remember that the heart is also a muscle. She enters her parents' house to find Regina scrubbing the turtle off the wall. Regina asks where the turtle came from. Regina claims to have no idea. Hesitantly, Sam tells Regina that Todd chose Chloe over her. Regina moves in for a heartfelt hug, and Sam starts sniffling. And then she tells Regina, "I know I have amnesia, but I really don't recall that rabbit being there." Regina: "That? It's always been there. Now help me bury it in the back yard."