Sam and Andrea cross the street and enter her building, where Frank...is not working? Is he allowed to do that? Sam's V.O. complains that the universal message "Just be yourself" doesn't really apply to amnesiacs. Sam is a little jealous that some dude is flying Andrea to Rome, while the best thing that's happened to her recently was remembering her manicurist's name.
There's a knock on Todd's door, and he pulls on a shirt as he rushes to answer it. He opens the door to find a glowing Samantha and a very sour Andrea. Sam thinks that Todd's shortness of breath, mussed hair, and sweaty sheen mean that he just went running, and she offers to run with him sometime, if she can remember how. But then a woman (who is not the woman Todd was on a date with back in Episode 4 -- way to go, Todd) enters the scene, also with a sweaty sheen and mussed hair. There's a long awkward pause, and then Todd and his very ugly New Age-y necklace ask Sam and Andrea why they're there. It turns out that Andrea needs to borrow one of Sam's tops, which mean that Sam has still not moved all of her clothes out. I hope Todd's getting a break in the rent for keeping all of her stuff in storage. Andrea saunters off to get the top, but not before boasting about the private jet that is going to fly her off to Rome. There's a little more awkward chat, and then Todd introduces Sam as his friend to his date, Chloe. When she hears Sam's name, Chloe quietly asks Todd, "Is this the one...?" Todd quickly tells her that Sam is "the one." Sam assumes that this means Todd told Chloe what a raging bitch she used to be, but it turns out Todd just told her about the amnesia. Chloe insists on giving Samantha a hug, and then asks her what kind of shampoo Sam uses. Sam tells her that it's a hotel brand, which her father brought back "from a chicken farming conference." Heh. Somehow, I can picture Howard attending a chicken farming conference just to get some swag and the conference hotel rate. After the hug, Chloe speaks to Sam very loudly and slowly, just in case she forgot what syllables sound like. After Chloe leaves, Sam asks Todd whether he really meant it when he said they were friends, and she seems genuinely glad to hear him say that he did. And then Andrea returns with a mountain of Sam's clothes. Sam is upset, but Andrea asks her, "What do you care? You don't remember buying any of this stuff." Chloe returns and loudly asks whether Sam wants to have dinner with her and Todd, but Sam declines, telling Todd, "You're not the only one with a life, you know."
Sam's life is actually the Game of Life, which she is playing with Dena. Sam lands on the "get married" spot, but she doesn't want to let some stinky blue peg and his blue peg cooties get into her car, declaring her intention not to get married...until she does get married? That made no sense, but then again, Sam's declarations often don't. Regina walks into the room and hectors Sam for wasting her life sitting around playing games, noting that she's only got three to five more years in which to snag a man. When Sam refuses, Regina gets pissed off and pulls a trophy off the shelf, asking Sam whether she remembers it. She doesn't, but Dena does, identifying it as Sam's Peewee Hockey trophy. Regina reminds Sam that she was the only girl on the team (although Dena helpfully points out that one of the boys on the team is now a girl). At first, I thought that Regina was going to berate Sam for not landing one of those boys back when she had their undivided attention, but she is actually trying to remind Sam that when she was young, she was not afraid of anything ("except for that babysitter with the mechanical voicebox"). Sam tells Regina that the reason she's afraid to go on a date is that she doesn't know anything about herself and therefore has nothing to talk about with a guy. Regina is not hearing that, telling Sam, "I did not raise you to use amnesia as an excuse." Sam: "That would have taken enormous foresight." Again, heh. To prove to Regina that a date is more than a polite chat about nothing, Sam asks Dena to pretend to be on a date with her. Dena claims that she's way too underdressed for a date, but goes along with it when Sam tells her that she looks lovely. Sam asks Dena to ask Sam what Sam's favorite movie is. Dena leans in, flirtily, and in a low, sexy voice starts to ask the question. Sam interrupts her to say she's not sure, and then gives her another question to ask, the answer to which is also that she doesn't know. Sticking her foot into Dena's face, Sam asks her to ask where Sam got the scar on her toe. Despairingly, Dena starts to ask the question, only to have Sam interrupt her again. Sam asks Dena how the date's going, and Dena tells her, "Well, I'm not crazy about how you keep cutting me off, because I have--" At which point, Sam cuts her off. Regina tells Sam not to talk about her scars: "It makes you sound like a sea captain."
It's family night in the Newly household. Sam arrives home from work and walks through the front door, only to trip over the man her mother left there. It's Eddie Cibrian, looking as hot as ever. (My cousin once took me to a gay bar that was full of nothing but cops, firefighters, and paramedics. It was like gay Third Watch. Which has nothing to do with this episode, except that Eddie Cibrian is hot.) Regina picks Sam up and leads her to the dining-room table, which is set for four. She yells for Howard, who is already in the room, and then starts yelling for Kevin (a.k.a. hot Eddie Cibrian), who is a floor refinisher there to give them an estimate. She drags him into the room, claiming that she made far too much food, and then forces him down into the seat across from Sam. Regina reaches out for Howard and Kevin's hands so that they can say grace, in a transparent ploy to get Sam and Kevin to hold hands. It works, but as Howard starts to say grace, Regina glances at her watch and tells Howard that they'll be late for the theater and have no time to eat. Regina lights the candles on the table on the way out, and then whisper-yells to Howard that they are not really going to the theater. Kevin tells Sam, "Well, that was...unusual." Regina is standing in the window over Kevin's shoulder, gesturing for Sam to smile. Kevin turns around and sees Regina before she can run away, and Sam tells him, "Oh, I wish it were." Credits.
Still on the impromptu blind date, awkward small talk is made. Kevin asks Sam to tell him about herself, so she shoves some food in her mouth and tells him to go first. He tells her that he wears boxer briefs, which seems kind of familiar to me. I don't think I want to know my date's underwear preferences until I see them for myself. He clearly has no small opinion of himself, describing himself as an "incredibly handsome, sexy, funny guy who owns [his] own business." He tells Sam it's her turn, so she starts to blather about having played hockey (with a boy who is now a girl), including mentioning that she won a trophy. Which is shiny. She deflects all of his substantive questions, and Kevin decides that she's "a hockey fan and a smartass." Which is a good thing. (I'm a soccer fan and a smartass. Where's my Eddie Cibrian?)
It's Sam's seldom-seen workplace! She greets Andrea, who is wearing Sam's clothes and blathering about Rome. Sam's nervous assistant stammeringly tries to tell her something, but clams up when Andrea yells at her. Sam berates Andrea -- not for being mean, but for causing the assistant to take longer to give her the message. Bad Sam alert! The assistant (whose name is Tracy, but I won't remember that if we don't see her again for another five episodes) tells Sam that there's a guy named Kevin there to see her. Sam panics and pulls Andrea into her office to tell her the story. There's a bit with Tracy being confused about whether Kevin can or cannot come up, and then she leaves to get Kevin, and Andrea asks whether Sam likes him. By which she means, "What does he do for a living?" When she hears that he installs hardwood floors, Andrea decides that Sam must hate him. Tracy brings Kevin in and Andrea leaves, but not before insulting Kevin's working man's attire and bragging about Rome. In response to her pidgin Italian, Kevin responds with some long a beautiful sentence. While Andrea is dumbfounded, Sam is behind Kevin making boasting gestures about how sexy her man is. And then Kevin invites Sam to a Blackhawks game the night. After she tells him she's not sure, he gives her a present -- it's a Blackhawks jersey with her name ("Smartass") printed on the back. Sam's happy, and she approaches Kevin for what he thinks will be a hug but which actually turns out to be a stiff slug in the arm.
Andrea is on the phone with Sam, getting the news that she said yes to his invitation to a hockey game. Sam also discovered that she likes presents. What girl doesn't? The only problem for Sam is that she now needs to find someone to teach her all about hockey in one day.
Cut to Sam knocking on Todd's door. He looks almost sad to see her. Commercials.
Sam's begging Todd to teach her about hockey, reminding him that he told her he was her friend. Todd: "Okay, so after dating me for three years, and cheating on me, now you want me to teach you about hockey to impress some new guy?" Sam: "I know. Are you a good friend, or what?" Todd realizes that Sam hasn't told Kevin about the amnesia, and asks her why. Sam: "Because there are four million hot girls in this city who don't have amnesia." Let's not get carried away. This is Chicago -- we're talking about a million hot girls, tops. Sam thinks that the only thing she has to offer Kevin is her passion for hockey, which Todd reminds her she doesn't have. That's why she wants to drag Todd off to a game that night. He doesn't want to go, because he has plans with Chloe. But when Sam points out that if she were dating someone she might spend less time hanging around his place, he tells her he's in.
Cut to Dena, sipping a drink at a bar. Andrea enters, dragging her suitcase behind her. Dena sees her and tells her that she didn't know Andrea was going to party with her and Sam. Oh, Sam, are you standing Dena up again? For shame. Andrea loudly tells the entire bar that she doesn't know Dena before sitting down with her. She just wants to wait for Sam to show up, since Sam hasn't been answering her cell. Dena asks why Andrea's not in Rome, and Andrea claims that she decided not to go. And then drains Dena's vodka. After Dena cheerfully points out the flaw in every excuse Andrea comes up with, Andrea angrily admits that her private jet lover flew off to Rome without her. Andrea recoils when Dena moves in to hug her, but does ask her to rub her arm.
Sam and Todd are at the arena box office. Sam asks for the best tickets available (and I like the continuity on her spendthrift ways). While she waits for the clerk, she asks Todd what he told Chloe he was doing, and treats him like a freak for having told her the truth. The clerk looks at Sam's credit card and then at a list taped to the wall and tells her that she can't sell her any tickets, since she's been banned from the arena. Sam is freaking out, and freaks out even more when two security guards arrive to drag her away. She starts yelling out, "Wait, I can walk. Please, just let go, I can walk.... Oh, crap!"
Flashback to Bad Sam. (Bad Sam hair check: shoulder-length and straight.) She's at a game, in primo seats right by the plexiglass into which broken-faced Eastern European men keep getting thrown. She's really into the game, and when the Blackhawks score, she joins most of the crowd in jumping to her feet to cheer. The only people not on their feet? All of the other people sitting in wheelchairs on either side of Sam. Everyone sits down, except Sam. And then a voice cries out, "Hey! She's not handicapped!" Sam: "Oh my God! I can walk." The crowd starts pelting her with popcorn and garbage, and two security guards arrive to drag her away. Back in the present, Sam asks the guards whether she can't at least get the free puck that's being given away to everyone at the game.
Commercials. Oh, Jason Lee. If you weren't already going to burn in hell for the Scientology, you'd certainly be there for Alvin And The Chipmunks.
Sam and Todd enter a sports bar. Sam's castigating herself for her former evil, and Todd tells her, "Well, now I know why the wheelchair in our closet is covered with stickers from all our teams." Sam tells Todd that she's now going to give up on the idea of ever dating and just stay home and take care of her aging parents: "And then I'm gonna get a cat that I swear thinks it's people." Todd tells her a story (which she remembers while he's telling it) about a time the two of them were getting busy in the park and a goose stole her watch. What exactly was she doing with her hands that required watch removal? She chased the goose across the park to get her watch back, refusing to quit until she got what she wanted. Other details: the goose bit her on the toe (hence the scar), she did get the watch back (and is wearing it), and it was a watch that Todd gave her for her birthday. There's a tender moment between them, and Todd asks Sam if she wants to throw darts. Sam: "Okay. At what?"
Back at the other bar, Dena is comforting Andrea while she cries over Mr. Rome. (Or, more likely, over losing the chance to fly to Rome in a private jet.) Andrea claims that she's only crying due to sleep deprivation, what with her having already tried to switch herself over to Roman time. Dena thinks it must be hard for someone as materialistic and vain as Andrea to admit that she's been jerked around. Andrea takes this description as a compliment, adding that she's also strong. Dena thinks that lots of men can't handle a strong woman (which is why they get restraining orders requiring them to remain fourteen telephone poles away at all times.) Andrea: "That's a good point, Tina." Dena corrects her on the name, but Andrea refuses to believe it, and then toasts, "To strong women." And then Dena gets strong and tells Andrea to stop stealing her drinks.
At the sports bar, Sam is kicking Todd's ass at darts and totally rubbing it in. He sarcastically tells Sam that he doesn't know why guys aren't lining up at her door, but then tells her that he seriously doesn't get that, since even with amnesia she's fun to be with. Sam: "Yeah, with you. If only you had amnesia, too, we'd be the perfect couple." And then the awkward romantic tension is broken by the arrival of Kevin. He asks Sam whether she was at the game, and she lies and says that she was. Sam doesn't know how to introduce Todd, but he fills in the blanks and tells Kevin that he's Sam's friend. Kevin makes a joke about the zamboni. Sam laughs at it and shoots a pleading glance at Todd. He acts dumb and asks whether the zamboni isn't that thing that smooths out the ice. Sam claims to be teaching Todd about the game, and then insults his intelligence. Todd takes it, like the doormat he is, but then bails on Kevin and Sam. He does tell Kevin to make sure Sam gets home okay, since she has a terrible sense of direction. By which I think he means a terrible sense of moral direction, since she's already lying to the guy she likes and insulting the guy she loves. Kevin tells Sam that he's excited about the night, pointing out that it's bobblehead night. Sam, clearly feeling some guilt about insulting Todd, sucks it up and tells Kevin that she has amnesia and doesn't even know what a bobblehead is. She also tells him that she's not going to change who she is to please him, and that she's banned from the arena and can't go to the game with him. He recognizes her as the wheelchair girl, and has a recollection of throwing a soda at her when she was caught. She asks him if he's appalled, or maybe turned on. He's not sure, but thinks it's more the latter than the former. He offers to buy her a drink. Sam's V.O. says that she can be who she is even though she has amnesia, since that's who she happens to be. Or something. She does remember an important plot point from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, and realizes that's her favorite movie.
And now Sam enters the other bar and runs over to Dena, apologizing for missing their planned time together. Dena and Andrea are both blotto. Andrea asks what happened with the handyman, and Sam tells her that she told him the truth. They toast to the truth, and then Andrea and Dena tell Sam that the guys at the table think they're a couple of Canadian stewardesses. And Dena tells Sam, "And call me 'Tina.'"