Pan across a stove, where a pot of spaghetti sauce is bubbling away. Sam's cooking! I tried to place a bet as to whether she was cooking in her parents' kitchen or in Todd's kitchen, but I couldn't find a person on the face of this earth who would take a piece of that action -- because, as we all know, it's a pretty safe bet that, at any moment of any day, Sam is at Todd's. Sam's V.O. tells us that the last time she had any alone time was when she was in her coma. She's a disaster cooking, by the way. Despite the fact that the spaghetti sauce seems to be mostly done, she opens a huge can of tomatoes (dropping the can opener on the floor), and then sticks the can in the microwave. It bursts into flame in about three seconds, while Sam's V.O. tells us how proud she is to be on the road to taking care of herself. Todd's apartment has the most sensitive smoke alarm in the world, and starts beeping the instant there's any smoke. Sam bats ineffectually at the flames as Todd enters the apartment and...blows the fire out? He wonders why Sam's so stupid that she put metal in the microwave, but she obviously forgot about that rule. He's also curious as to why she's cooking in his apartment -- it's because Regina is a very wise woman who knew that Sam would burn the house down if she tried to cook a meal. Sam's leg hurts, but only so they can remind us that she's afraid of elevators and had to climb the stairs multiple times while doing the shopping for the meal she was cooking. Todd points out that she never cooked before her amnesia, but Sam thinks she's a fine cook now. At least, she thinks that until she tastes the sauce. As she looks kind of disgusted by her own cooking, Todd looks at the recipe card and asks her if she put oregano in the sauce.
At the bar, Sam tells Andrea and Dena that she turns out to be allergic to oregano. We can tell she's allergic because her tongue is swollen to comical proportions. Andrea and Dena both laugh at Sam's swollen-tongue pronunciation of the word "spice." Andrea tells them that she wishes she had a food allergy, since it would help her to stay thin. Well, actually, she only tells Sam that -- she pretty much ignores Dena whenever they're together. Sam cuts Andrea off to complain about her inability to care for herself, but Andrea interrupts right back, telling her, "Ding! Enough of Sam time, now it's Andrea time." She starts telling a story about a guy she dated named Peter, and Dena cuts her off to ask if they can't schedule a little Dena time into the conversation. Andrea just ignores her and notes that Sam must remember Peter, since they met him at the only bar in Chicago on the night the two of them discovered sake bombs (which, as we'll see later, is just a depth charge, a.k.a. a boilermaker). Of course, Sam does not remember Peter because she HAS AMNESIA! In case you forgot. Speaking of forgetting, Andrea forgot Peter's phone number and went to a hypnotherapist to try to remember it. Sam is intrigued by this hypnomotherapy, and Dena tells her that hypnotherapists can help with lots of things, including "insomnia, smoking, fear of dinosaurs." Sam asks Andrea for the number of her hypnotherapist; Andrea thinks that's a great idea, since Sam was there when Peter gave her his number, and the hypnotherapist may help her to recall it. Credits.
Back at her parents' house, Regina is hectoring Sam, trying to get her to cancel her hypnotherapy appointment. She calls on Howard for some support, and he reminds Sam of the time an evil hypnotist made him think he was a duck. I mean, I assume the hypnotist was evil, since he was working in Branson, Missouri. Regina's opposition to hypnotherapy makes Sam think she's trying to hide something, but Regina just thinks that "most people would pay to forget the things [Sam has] done." Regina tries to make a point with a story from Sam's past, asking her whether she remembers what happened when she was eight. Sam does not remember, because...well, you know. (This joke was starting to bother me, but then I realized it's not a joke, it's just a normal way of speaking that happens to be completely annoying due to Sam's amnesia. It's like when I'm talking to my friend Mike and I'm trying to remember the name of the actress who played Major Kira on Deep Space Nine, and I keep insisting that Mike must remember who she was, because she was short and had red hair and used to be on that soap opera, but Mike obviously can't remember who she was -- but I still keep saying it, over and over, "I know you know who she is, you'll be kicking yourself when it comes to you, come on, what was her name?" Wait, maybe that is annoying. I think I may owe Mike a drink.) Anyhoo, what happened when Sam was eight was that she whined and whined for a trampoline, and then was all upset when she jumped on it and hit her head on a beehive. Underneath which Regina placed the trampoline so that Sam wouldn't jump too high. Sam just wants some real memories, and not the fake ones that Regina keeps making up, like the fictional exchange student from Prague that Regina claimed was Sam's best friend in high school.
Oh, also? "Written by Pamela Ribon." Go Pamie, go Pamie! It's your birthday! Or rather, it's not your birthday, I hope -- how much would it suck to be on strike on your birthday? Probably as much as it would suck to be on strike when your episode airs. On the plus side, I bet you could have an awesome post-episode celebration on the picket line tomorrow. Anyway, I'm drinking a sake bomb in your honor.
At the hypnotherapist's, Sam is on the couch while the therapist counts back from three and tells her she'll remember everything they discussed when she wakes up. Sam opens her eyes and shouts out, "I'm adopted!" Commercials.
Sam is meeting Andrea and Dena. What's this? They're at a coffee shop, not the bar. Let's celebrate with a sake bomb. Sam is thrilled that she's adopted, since it means she's not destined to turn into Regina and/or Howard. We get a little peek into the minds of Dena and Andrea, as Dena wonders whether Sam's birth mother is a princess or her birth father is a ninja, and Andrea wonders whether Sam's birth father might be some older hottie that she could accidentally sleep with. Dena, to Andrea: "I think something's wrong with you." Sam wonders why her parents wouldn't tell her about being adopted, and then tells Andrea and Dena that she remembers having had a heart-shaped necklace that her birth parents gave her, but that she has no idea where it is. Sam also has new craving for a cigarette -- she apparently learned in hypnotherapy that she used to smoke, and now she's jonesing for a cancer stick. Dena takes the blame for starting Sam on her nicotine addiction, since the two of them took up smoking to get in with the cool kids. This is all just a way to inform Sam that when she was a kid, she used to hide cigarettes in the vent in her room. Sam announces her intention to go home and confront her parents. Andrea dings in for some Andrea time, and asks Sam whether she remembered Peter's number.
Sam marches up to her parents, who are playing cards, and tells them that she knows she's adopted. They simultaneously burst into laughter. They tell her it's not true, but Sam doesn't think there's any reason for them to hide it anymore. Regina tells her, "Honey, this is what I warned you about. You let people fill your head with ideas. It's like when you went to that guidance counselor and he told you you were gifted." Sam asks to see her birth certificate, but Regina tells her she can't see it because she drew on it when she was a little girl. Sam thinks she can still look at it, even if it's not legible, but Howard tells her that they lost it. Sam tells them she'll get another copy, but Howard tells her that will be hard, since she was born in international waters. Sam sarcastically asks whether she was born on a pirate ship, but Regina matter-of-factly tells her it was a cruise ship. Eh, same thing. Sam moves in for the kill, asking to see the really amazing pictures they must have from that trip. Regina nearly breaks down into tears, and Howard suggests that they tell Sam the truth. Which is that some kid named Shawn Miller stole all of Sam's photo albums, but they shouldn't try to look for him because his entire family of illegal Icelandic immigrants were all deported. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Sam is on the phone with Dena, telling her that she knows her parents are hiding something. Dena thinks that Sam's life is very interesting, but as Dena tries to tell Sam a story about her own life, Sam spies the vent in her room and hangs up. Dena laments her failure to ding in for Dena time. Sam opens the vent and digs out a pack of ancient cigarettes which have (thankfully) disintegrated to dust. But she also finds a heart-shaped locket on a chain.
Sam marches into her parents' bedroom and wakes them up, brandishing the locket and calling them liars. Howard panics, thinking that Sam is trying to hypnotize him. Regina tries to calm her down, but Sam freaks out and leaves, telling them that she's moving out. Howard, in bed, mutters, "I'm not a duck. I'm not a duck!"
Commercials. Apparently, the news in D.C. is entirely dog-related, as the promo for the 11 PM news promises a story about a dog being killed by the police, another dog being rescued from a drain pipe, and the release of Michael Vick from prison. If it's not dog-related, ABC-7 isn't interested in the story.
Sam arrives at Andrea's, telling her that she left her parents. Andrea thinks that's a super idea, until she realizes that Sam intends to live with Andrea. Andrea thinks being best friends is great, unless it means you want your friend to help you. Andrea shows Sam a hole in the wall that resulted from the fight they had the last time they tried to live together. Sam: "But, Andrea, I'm different now." Andrea: "But I'm not. And I care about being your friend way too much to be here for you." And with that, Andrea cheerfully evicts Sam. But not before asking her whether she remembered Peter's number. Heh.
If you don't know where Sam goes , you clearly haven't been watching this show. Sam thanks Todd for letting her stay at his apartment temporarily. He nervously asks whether she minds if he moves the throw pillows on the couch, since she used to freak out if they weren't arranged properly. Sam, clearly sick of singing this song, tells him, "You know what? I apologize for everything I have ever said. I'm actually going to make little cards that have that printed on it." Todd tells her that it was more the way she said things -- he describes the face she would make when she was angry as looking like a great white shark. Sam thanks him for being willing to tell her the truth no matter what. And she promises to find her own place first thing in the morning. Todd, overcome with guilt after hearing her praise, tells her that she's in her apartment. In fact, she bought it. With her own money. And she apparently failed to notice the mortgage payments she must have made since coming out of her coma. No wonder she's in so much debt. Sam turns into a great white shark and throws Todd and his pajamas out onto the street. I don't think Todd's even wearing any shoes. Sam does very thoughtfully shove a coat into his arms before she slams the door in his face. See, Sam really has changed.
And now Sam's on the phone, trying to order some Chinese food for delivery. Except she has no idea whether she has any other food allergies. The delivery person doesn't seem too thrilled at the idea of waiting around for her try different things to see if any of them kill her. So she moves on to smoking one of the cigarettes she recently purchased. Except that she doesn't have a lighter or matches. When Sam tries to light the cigarette by lighting the Chinese menu on the gas stove, she nearly burns the kitchen down. Again.
Cut to Sam, sitting on her couch and looking forlorn. She rearranges the throw cushions to be the way Todd told her she liked them. And then she mutters, "Man, this place is big."
It's a new day, and Sam walks up to her building and finds Frank standing outside. Does he work every shift? Do you think maybe Frank has an identical twin with whom he shares his job so that there's always a Frank on duty? Enquiring minds want to know. Before I describe this scene, I have to note that Sam is wearing a belt buckle that's larger than her head. Okay, that's the fashion commentary for this episode. Frank not-so-politely tells Sam to bug off, but she just chatters away, telling him that she just got back from the hypnotherapist, where she remembered that her birth father was a big bald man who gave her the heart-shaped locket, and that she had a lot of friends with whom she would sing songs all the livelong day. Frank asks her whether she had a dog named Sandy. Sam is flabbergasted, and asks him how he could possibly know that. It's because Sam's been describing the plot of Annie. Sam doesn't know who Annie is, so Frank starts singing "Maybe," Annie's opening number. Sam has a flashback to Very Young Sam in a big red wig singing the song. (I hope this flashback Sam is too young to already be Bad Sam. Let's just call her Pre-Moral Sam.) Sam realizes that she played Annie, and that everything she said to her parents was based on a totally spurious memory. She asks Frank, "I guess that means I didn't meet President Roosevelt, huh?" Indeed she did not. Commercials.
Dena and Sam are at the same coffee shop. Dena has the program from the show, since she was Sam's understudy. And not at all bitter that Sam never got sick. If she had been smart, she would have slipped Sam some oregano. Sam is wracked with guilt over the way she treated her mother. She thanks Dena for having so many mementoes of Sam's childhood, even though it is a bit creepy. That's when we see that Dena has brought an entire box of Sam memorabilia to the coffee shop. Dena tells her that Sam was worth her semi-stalkerish idolizing, and that Shawn Miller felt the same way. Sam can't believe that the story about Shawn is true, but the fact that he gave Dena a picture of a very young Sam seems to prove it.
Depressed, Sam enters her building. She passes Frank, who tells her, "Cheer up, Ms. Newly. The sun'll come out. Guess when?" Sam: "Suck it, Frank."
So in the one day since Sam and her giant belt buckle moved out of her parents' house, she has completely trashed her formerly gorgeous apartment. She's miserable about the wreck she's made of her life. And then there's a knock on the door: it's Regina, bearing a gift basket. She and Sam are frosty toward each other, until Sam realizes that there's food in the basket. As she wolfs down a sandwich, she tearfully apologizes to Regina. Regina tells her to save her apologies until she's not talking with her mouth full. I love that she's not saying that because she wants Sam to be polite -- she's telling her that because the sight of Sam talking while eating is disgusting. As Sam sits down to chew, Regina tells her that she has another gift for Sam. It's a onesie that reads, "My parents went on a cruise and all I got was born." She tells a great story about how she looked for it for five hours, which is very moving until Sam realizes that the ink is still wet. Sam tells her that she just wants the truth. And then Regina confesses that she didn't want Sam to go to the hypnotherapist because she didn't want Sam to remember what a horrible mother Regina was. And Jean Smart is just lovely making this little confession -- her tears were completely natural. While Regina's talking, Sam is breaking down even more, until she sobs out, "I was Annie!" After a bit of confusion, Regina remembers Sam playing the part, telling her, "Not your best role. You don't play adorable well. It comes off as snide." Sam falls into her mother's arms and tells her that she does want to have a relationship with Regina, and that she really needs her mother so that she can know what to eat and how not to burn down the house. Regina strokes her hair and tells her, "That's my girl. That's my girl."
This triggers a flashback for Sam, who remembers dancing on top of a bar with Andrea while some drunk drinks a sake bomb. Andrea is slurring out, "That's my girl. That's my girl," as they dance. And then someone passes a napkin with a phone number on it to Andrea. As she holds the napkin in her teeth, it's hovering right in front of Sam's eyes.
Back in the present, Sam is still in her mother's arms, but is muttering Peter's phone number to herself over and over, trying to remember it. Regina tells her to knock it off, and Sam asks if they can go home. Regina tells her that she'll always have a home with her and Howard, and that they'll take the exercise equipment back out of her room as soon as they get home.
Sam and Regina get off the elevator as Sam V.O.s that she's not ready for complete independence just yet. As Regina goes to get the car, Sam tells Frank that she called Todd and that he'll be coming back to move into her apartment. She starts to blather about her conversation with Todd, and Frank asks her, "I'm sorry, can I interrupt?" Sam: "Yeah, what is it?" Frank: "I'm sure I'll think of something." Heh. After a pause, Frank asks Sam how the hypnotherapy is going. She tells him that it was a complete waste of time, but he tells her it must have been done some good, since she just took the elevator without freaking out. Sam looks thrilled to realize it. As she gets into Regina's car, Regina chastises her for somehow getting dirt on her face. And with a cute little hand signal, Regina pulls out into the road.