Hello, gang. Demian here. As part of Mighty Big TVs Mighty Big Exchange Program, Ill be taking over recapping duties for this weeks episode. Can I tell you how thrilled I am to be here? Well, I wont, because that would be a lie. I think djb knew in advance how toxically dull tonights installment would be, and foisted it upon me in a pathetic attempt to preserve the tattered remnants of his own sanity. Turns out the jokes on him. This crapfest just got renewed for a third season. Suffer, honey. Suffer.
The evening opens with a bald-faced lie. Max Evanss enemies will learn his lifelong secret. No, they wont. Because Max Evanss enemies no longer exist on this show. Theyre certainly present in the dwindling audience, but on the show? All antagonists worthy of the name disappeared months ago, and you know it, little Mr. Voice of the WB. So cram it. Bastard.
Abrupt cut to Maria DeLuca, planted once again in front of the Chalkboard of Tritely-Phrased Exposition. Maria would very much like to broach the subject of Brody Davis. Who? Yeah, Id forgotten about him, too. Unfortunately, the very first shot of the gentleman in question unleashes a rabid pack of memories I thought Id outrun months ago. Cloying flirtations over pepperjack cheese. Cancer-riddled waifs miraculously cured by El Nio Evans just in time for Christmas. A purpose-free road trip to New York City that had no subsequent impact on the various storylines. Im sure that, if pressed, I could dredge up a few more vignettes, but as I tend to watch this program in states of inebriation varying from moderate to my liver is now crawling out of my nose in search of oxygen, specifics tend to get a little hazy. Also, I just noticed something: Brody Davis, oddly-accented eccentric with unruly auburn hair. Bette Davis, oddly-accented actress with unruly auburn hair. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You decide. Maria helpfully reminds us Mr. Davis is both the millionaire owner of the Roswell UFO Center and the human vessel through which Maxs old, old, old pal, Larek, speaks on occasion. She then reviews the events of recent weeks: Pex, by Grace of God King, Emperor of the Scoping Fjords of Sandy Land and Defender of the Ab Slider, getting his unsightly freak on with the InTesstinator. The Lizbot impalink My So-Called Sean on one of its rustink components. The HanksSpawn, unceremoniously fired from the only acting job hes likely to hold for a very long time -- or. Was. He?
Maria infuriatingly tells us to forget about all of this. Something happened a few weeks ago, she reveals. I didnt think it was important to tell you at the time, but if you watch closely, it contains the key to everything. Majandra Delfino speed-talks her way through these lines, as if she herself recognizes the colossally contrived stupidity inherent in this feeble attempt to gloss over the scheduling disaster her bosses brought down upon their own heads. [spoiler] Being held hostage with your panicky mother and injured cousin at gunpoint by a deranged millionaire who thinks hes an alien during a city-wide blackout [/spoiler] isnt important? Pull the other one, missy. What happened is this: Messrs. Katims and Company planned to air this episode a month and a half ago. They jettisoned said plan in favor of diving right into the seasons closing story arc, hoping no doubt that ratings would rise and they could continue to cling precariously to their place on the WBs roster of programming -- not unlike Eva Marie Saint clinging precariously to Mount Rushmore at the end of North by Northwest. The ratings rose not, and the WB stomped on the fingers of Messrs. Katims and Company until the gang dropped from the WB scheduling cliff onto the rocky wasteland of UPN. For reasons known only to the production staff and the minion of Satan assigned to promote their demonic cause on Earth, they decided to dump what even they themselves consider to be substandard material -- which is saying a lot, given what they apparently consider to be standard material -- into the middle of sweeps. Memo to the boys at Regency Television: You offload crappy episodes in July, when no one will notice. Morons.