Hello, gang. Demian here. As part of Mighty Big TV's Mighty Big Exchange Program, I'll be taking over recapping duties for this week's episode. Can I tell you how thrilled I am to be here? Well, I won't, because that would be a lie. I think djb knew in advance how toxically dull tonight's installment would be, and foisted it upon me in a pathetic attempt to preserve the tattered remnants of his own sanity. Turns out the joke's on him. This crapfest just got renewed for a third season. Suffer, honey. Suffer.
The evening opens with a bald-faced lie. "Max Evans's enemies will learn his lifelong secret." No, they won't. Because Max Evans's "enemies" no longer exist on this show. They're certainly present in the dwindling audience, but on the show? All antagonists worthy of the name disappeared months ago, and you know it, little Mr. Voice of the WB. So cram it. Bastard.
Abrupt cut to Maria DeLuca, planted once again in front of the Chalkboard of Tritely-Phrased Exposition. Maria would very much like to broach the subject of Brody Davis. Who? Yeah, I'd forgotten about him, too. Unfortunately, the very first shot of the gentleman in question unleashes a rabid pack of memories I thought I'd outrun months ago. Cloying flirtations over pepperjack cheese. Cancer-riddled waifs miraculously cured by El Niño Evans just in time for Christmas. A purpose-free road trip to "New York City" that had no subsequent impact on the various storylines. I'm sure that, if pressed, I could dredge up a few more vignettes, but as I tend to watch this program in states of inebriation varying from "moderate" to "my liver is now crawling out of my nose in search of oxygen," specifics tend to get a little hazy. Also, I just noticed something: Brody Davis, oddly-accented eccentric with unruly auburn hair. Bette Davis, oddly-accented actress with unruly auburn hair. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You decide. Maria helpfully reminds us Mr. Davis is both the millionaire owner of the Roswell UFO Center and the human vessel through which Max's old, old, old pal, Larek, speaks on occasion. She then reviews the events of recent weeks: Pex, by Grace of God King, Emperor of the Scoping Fjords of Sandy Land and Defender of the Ab Slider, getting his unsightly freak on with the InTesstinator. The Lizbot impalink My So-Called Sean on one of its rustink components. The HanksSpawn, unceremoniously fired from the only "acting" job he's likely to hold for a very long time -- or. Was. He?
Maria infuriatingly tells us to forget about all of this. "Something happened a few weeks ago," she reveals. "I didn't think it was important to tell you at the time, but if you watch closely, it contains the key to everything." Majandra Delfino speed-talks her way through these lines, as if she herself recognizes the colossally contrived stupidity inherent in this feeble attempt to gloss over the scheduling disaster her bosses brought down upon their own heads. [spoiler] Being held hostage with your panicky mother and injured cousin at gunpoint by a deranged millionaire who thinks he's an alien during a city-wide blackout [/spoiler] isn't "important"? Pull the other one, missy. What happened is this: Messrs. Katims and Company planned to air this episode a month and a half ago. They jettisoned said plan in favor of diving right into the season's closing story arc, hoping no doubt that ratings would rise and they could continue to cling precariously to their place on the WB's roster of programming -- not unlike Eva Marie Saint clinging precariously to Mount Rushmore at the end of North by Northwest. The ratings rose not, and the WB stomped on the fingers of Messrs. Katims and Company until the gang dropped from the WB scheduling cliff onto the rocky wasteland of UPN. For reasons known only to the production staff and the minion of Satan assigned to promote their demonic cause on Earth, they decided to dump what even they themselves consider to be substandard material -- which is saying a lot, given what they apparently consider to be "standard" material -- into the middle of sweeps. Memo to the boys at Regency Television: You offload crappy episodes in July, when no one will notice. Morons.
Anyway, the opening exposition closes with Maria looking so very sad at the memory of the events about to unfold. Someone needs to explain that to me, because nothing that happens this evening justifies this particular reaction to the memory of it weeks later. Then again, maybe you should ask me about this episode in five weeks. I might have the same expression on my face. Fade up on an establishing shot of the UFO Center at night. Deep within its bowels, Max Evans whistles casually as he lopes over to Brody Davis's office. Max's right arm swings disjointedly from his shoulder, and the effect is not unlike watching one of society's differently-abled youngsters approaching the short bus for the first day of school. Pipe down, you. I was well on my way to hell long before I typed that sentence. Max raps his knuckles on the door, and, presently, Brody pops his head out, grinning like a fool. Max reminds Brody he was assigned to "reorganize the crop-circle files" that evening. Brody, for some reason acting like he's been caught masturbating to reruns of Petticoat Junction, stutters and stammers and blurts out something about Max taking the rest of the evening off. Max insists he stay: "I still have three hours left on the clock." "Work, work, work," Brody replies a little too jovially. "Don't you have a life?" Brody, dear. It's Max. Do you need to ask? Brody, jonesing for some more scantily-clad Meredith MacRae, suggests Max do something or other with a weather balloon instead. Max raises his eyebrows all, "Dude. Saltpeter. Look into it," and leaves. Brody unbuckles his pants and scuttles back into his lair. Okay, forget the unbuckling and just go with the scuttling.
Cut to a shot of Brody donning one of those newfangled virtual-reality helmets none of the kids are talking about because virtual-reality helmets pretty much don't exist outside of science-fiction serials at this point. He taps a couple of keys on his product-placed iMac as we're treated to a shot of the computer screen. Several warnings on the screen scream, "TEST VERSION ONLY" and "NOT TO BE RELEASED TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC." I can't decide if those are meta-statements or not. The Brodester recklessly uploads this terribly dangerous program to his helmet despite the warnings. Oh, Christ. If you were wondering where they blew the effects budget for the second half of the season, I'd suggest you look elsewhere. Because they certainly didn't spend much on the following sequence. What follows is a painful excursion into a "virtual reality" that looks like it was generated by a horde of five-cent-a-day sweatshop programmers toiling sullenly in a dungeon somewhere on the Indonesian archipelago. The voice-activated program generates first a painfully-bad "Virtual Reality" Brody. Max Headroom displayed a higher level of technological sophistication twenty years ago. "VR" Brody orders the software to "run Abduction Simulation 1.5." This can't be good. The "computer" whirrs and pings as a "virtual reality" room appears around "VR" Brody. Apparently, the Malaysian slave laborers decided to pirate the digitally-generated set from the "Money For Nothing" video, drain all the pastel neon color from it, and hope no one would notice. They even left the television in the corner. The "room" settles into place as the "VR" control panel reveals that we are now back in the Roswell of November 25, 2000, at 2:24 in the afternoon. Mountain Standard Time. Such detail! So unnecessary!
"VR" Brody exposits that he remembers being home alone at the time, after which point his memory vanishes, leaving him with a seventy-two-hour period for which he cannot account. Okay, I'll buy that he's eccentric -- he is British, after all -- but talking out loud to himself in a virtual reality simulation? Nope. Sorry. Try again. "VR" Brody issues another command. "Run Abduction Simulation 1.6." The "computer" complies, shifting the scene to what I presume to be the warehouse summit in the Not York episode. Sorry. I skipped that one when it first aired. More nattering from "VR" Brody, who goes on about "remembering" five other people in attendance. The "computer" butts into his reverie, flashing the red warning "MEMORY DISK FULL." The Brodester orders an "override." I'm a total Computer Barbie, so I'll leave it to those more qualified to comment on technical matters to rip this bit of stupidity to shreds. "VR" Brodester carries on with this acid trip down memory lane, conjuring Nicholas the Skin and, eventually, Max himself. The "computer," which operated so well despite the weight of all of that contrivance, cannot, unfortunately, bear the additional burden of the Pecs of Doom. It shorts out, frying the virtual reality helmet and Brody's brain as it does so.
Roswell's infrastructure apparently has deteriorated to the point where one overloaded socket can black out the entire town. The lights of the UFO Center flicker and darken, followed by those of the Crashdown Café and the adjoining buildings across the street. Brody wails and moans and drops to the floor. Out in the exhibition area, Max futzes with the fuse box while unnecessarily ominous horns blat on the soundtrack. Back in the office, Brody opens a filing cabinet to retrieve an automatic. He turns, hoisting the weapon and glaring, as we cut back out to the master electrician in the hall. Tess approacheth, looking too Abba-esque for words. Flat hair, parted in the middle, with a ribbed turtleneck over flared, hip-hugging jeans. Mamma mia. There she goes again. My, my. How can he resist her? As she saunters over in the beam from his flashlight, which sounds filthy but really isn't, Tess informs Max that the lights are out all across town. She then offers him the gift box she's been carrying. Pre-coital Max looks suspicious. "What's the occasion?" he asks. Tess rolls her eyes. "Does there have to be an occasion?" she shoots back, more than a little tired with his attitude. It's just a shirt she saw on sale. If he can't deal with it, she'll just give it to Kyle. For once in his life, Max realizes what an ass he's being and apologizes, thanking her for the "thoughtful" present. She smiles a bit, and the glare from the inch of Vaseline she's slathered on her lips momentarily blinds me while Max moves to activate the Center's back-up generator.
Max gets most of the lights back on as Brody stalks into the exhibition area behind him. The boy's a bit zonked from the brain-frying episode, and there's an extra-special added-bonus side-effect. Brody can remember quite a bit more than he used to about his other life as the Vessel of Larek. He accuses Max both of being an alien and of lying to him all these many months. Max makes with the "I don't know what you're talking about" noise, but Brodek's not having it. He reveals his knowledge of the Not York summit and their roles therein. Max lets out a hesitant, "Larek?" Brodek terms this "an alien name." It actually sounds Slavic to me, but hey. You're the guy with the gun. Speaking of which, the Brodek pulls said gun from his waistband and aims it at our insipid duo. I mean, "intrepid." Max stretches out his right hand, urging Brodek to put the gun down. "Tess and I aren't aliens," he insists. Brodek fires off a round by way of response. Max activates the Lime Green Jell-O Shield Of Royal Alien Protection, which deflects the bullet back into a framed photo on the wall. The dingbat then makes something approximating an "Um...whoops" face as Brodek demands, "So how do you explain that?" Credits.
For a very long time, I've believed the opening credits of this show belong to the far-more-interesting version of Roswell currently televised in a parallel dimension near you. Just thought I'd share.
Back from the break, we fade up on the scene just ended being replayed on the screen of another product-placed iMac. Really, kids. iMacs are not that powerful, so knock it off with this crap. Brodek, wagging the gun around a bit, notes, "The security cameras are on backup power." He slides a CD out of the iMac and announces, oh-so-pleased with himself, that recent events are "all on disk." Max wants to know what the Brodek intends to gain from all of this. Brodek, frantic, demands Max tell him who he really is: Simon from Go? Or Baby Jane Hudson? Outside, beneath the darkened UFO Center marquee, Maria bitches to her mother, "No one's going to be clamoring through a blackout [sic and sick] to buy your 'George W's an Alien' t-shirts." My So-Called Sean, unloading a box from the Jetta, agrees. Amy DeLucawitz natters on about the "entrepreneurial spirit" as she flings open the Center doors to enter. Inside, Brodek wordlessly warns Max and Tess to remain silent while he stalks the entering trio. DeLucawitz, descending the stairs: "These t-shirts are hot off the presses, and I want them on the market now." She spots Brodek, who levels the gun at her head. "Or later!" she perks, wheeling around to scamper out. "C'mon, kids -- let's go!" Snicker. Brodek advances on them. "Nobody's going anywhere," he insists. Lingering, sliding pan shot of Maria and DeLucawitz and My So-Called Sean looking worried. Cut to Tess, fretting. Cut to Max's neck, about to snap under the weight of his head. Cut to Brodek, with the frowny face. Cut to me, getting it.
Finally, we enter the darkened Den of Porno. Its owner answers the door to find Deputy "Duh" Hansen on the porch. Deputy Duh's holding his flashlight beneath his chin, lighting his face from beneath in that manner that disturbs easily-frightened three-year-olds and absolutely no one else. He greets Porno as "Sheriff." Porno starts to welcome Hansen as "Deputy," but corrects himself. "Sheriff," Porno begins again. "What can I do for you?" What. The hell? Yes, I'm generally intoxicated well in advance of my Roswell time, but I thought Porno got his old job back months ago. Whatever. I've got my own Shannen Doherty-related continuity issues to worry about. Besides, "Deputy Duh" is easier to type than "Sheriff Shit-For-Brains." Anyway, Deputy Duh fills Porno in on the Roswell-wide blackout. Only he does so in that hee-larious manner reserved for dimwitted redneck yokel sidekicks, wondering if the current situation merits the involvement of the "Eff-Eee-Em-Ay." Porno, bless him, cuts through the crap: "Call Ralph." Deputy Duh: "Whuh?" Porno: "The electrician? Big guy -- rewired the station last spring?" A flicker of vague redneck recognition crosses Deputy Duh's face. After a bit more of the Porno's-not-the-sheriff-anymore non-plot non-point, Porno sends Deputy Duh on his way.
UFO Center. The DeLuca contingent stands off to one side while Brodek rants about Max being Zan and vice versa. If Max doesn't come clean, Brodek threatens, the CD containing evidence of the Lime Green Jell-O Shield Of Royal Alien Protection will be sent "to the FBI." Why bother? They'd just lose the damn thing, just like they lost a couple of audio cassettes regarding a certain event in Birmingham in September of 1963, and just like they lost thirty-five-hundred pages of documentation regarding a certain event in Oklahoma City in April of 1995. My So-Called Sean, in a whispered aside, wonders what Brodek's smoking. DeLucawitz fires off a snarky response, drawing the unwanted attention of her captor. Brodek stomps over to push the gun in her face. Max attempts to mediate. He fails. Like I needed to tell you that. DeLucawitz suggests that she and her brood "leave [the] aliens alone." Wrong suggestion. Brodek tosses a roll of duct tape at Max, ordering him to restrain Clan DeLuca with it. He and Tess start with My So-Called Sean while Maria takes this opportunity to reason with Brodek. "Brody, we're close," she states in the no-nonsense tone of voice she inherited from her mother. "We're friends." Brodek isn't feeling the amity at the moment. Maria's cell phone rings in the background. Brodek thrusts the automatic in Maria's direction. "Don't point that gun at my daughter," DeLucawitz icily sneers. DeLucawitz rules. Maria insists that she must answer her cell. Should she not, the person phoning her will know something's wrong. Or "wronk," as the case may be. Brodek tells Maria to keep it short and holds the opened phone to her ear. Maria grumps into the transmitter, "Hello?"
Dammit! Shut up, Liz. I don't care that you haven't opened your mouth yet. Just shut up. She doesn't listen to me. She never does. Liz blithers on about something that happened to her in biology that afternoon. Maria cuts her short. Maria won't be in attendance for that evening's shift at the Crashdown. Considering the power's out all over town, the customers won't be in attendance either, Maria. Liz asks, "Is everything okay?" Maria non-sequiturs something about removing "the Galaxy sub with pepperjack cheese" from the menu. Brodek cuts the call short at this point and demands Maria explain her last statement. "It was just shop talk," Maria shrugs. Back in the Crashdown, the Lizbot pouts because Maria hung up on her. Michael and Isabel blow her off. Atta alien-human hybrids. Isabel bitches at length about the undercooked burger the Ferret has set before her and raises her palm above the plate to fry it up a bit more. The Ferret -- with both hands -- pulls the following bit of hastily-appearing contrivance out of his ass in an attempt to stop her: "Don't! That makes it taste like crap." Um, since when? I seem to recall all four of the alien teens doing the same to various foodstuffs during the last two seasons, with no complaints from any of them regarding the resulting taste. Whatever. As Isabel is not a big fan of E. coli and bovine spongiform encephalopathy, she tells the Ferret to shove that contrivance right back up that double-wide ass of his from whence it came.
Hostage Central. The various members of Clan DeLuca sulk in silence while Brodek straddles a chair with his head in his hands. Tess and Max sit in artfully-lit bondage off to the side. Tess, in hushed tones, proposes she toss a little "mind warp" Brodek's way. Max approves. Tess pinches her eyes shut and looks constipated. Brodek senses something amiss, and raises his head to stare at her. A strobing montage of shots follows to illustrate Tess's mind warp. Brody, gazing with wonder at the sights of Not York. Tess, constipated in high-contrast black and white. The Ferret and Isabel in their Dupe gear. Tess, still trying to pinch one out. What appear to be subway station tiles, the five triangulated planets sprayed across them with paint. Max, seated at the summit, looking as emotionally attached as always. Which is to say, "just this side of dead." Brody In The Big City and ConstiTess, overlapping rapid-fire, before Brodek interrupts. "Don't play your mind games with me," he seethes. Tess whips back a bit in her seat from the force of the broken connection. She explains through gasping breaths that Brodek's mind is too scattered for her power to work.
Brodek advances on the lovebirds, again demanding that Max explain away the voices in his head. Brodek wants to understand why he knows the conveniently-appearing device he holds in his left hand is called a "Trinthium Ampnification Generator." Hey, leave me alone. That's as close as I can get without closed captioning. Besides, the actual name comes from the same group of crackheads who unleashed "Granilith" and "Vilandra" on an unsuspecting world. I really don't think it matters if a couple of letters are off. The device, such as it is, looks like the one Howie the Backstreet Boy activated during his brief stint as an evil alien in last season's finale. Brodek reveals that if he twists the center piece like so, Max and Tess lose their powers. Brodek then does just that. A rapidly-expanding circle of blue energy shoots out from the Trilithium Apneacation Genominator, booting Tess and Max to the ground as it passes through them. Clan DeLuca remains unaffected as the energy wave passes through the rest of the room. Max again denies knowledge of any and all things alien as Brodek stalks off, disbelieving, into the shadows. Max attempts to do, you know, whatever that thing is that he does when he's using his powers, and discovers Brodek is correct about the various uses of the Trinadial Apdeficatory Geronimonor.
Maria and Mama DeLucawitz, perched on a nearby display, reassure each other. Maria insists that she sent a "coded message" to the Lizbot. "Any minute," she vows, "fifty cops will be busting down that door and getting us all out of here." My So-Called Sean, looking far more comfortable with his hands tied behind his back than he should -- but then again, he's an ex-con, so go figure -- inquires as to the nature of said coded message. Maria blathers on about Brody's habitual Crashdown order. "And?" leads My So-Called Sean. "And Liz is my best friend," Maria explains. "We have our own language. She'll understand."
Not. The Lizbot's decoder chip has malfunctioned. "Galaxy sub with pepperjack," she vacantly repeats to the uncaring audience of Isabel and the Ferret. "Does that mean anything to you?" Isabel is the wrong person to ask: "I don't really listen to Maria when she's talking." Snerk. The Ferret doesn't pay much mind to the DeLuca brand of babbling, either. Liz sighs as the Ferret makes to bolt. Liz reminds him that the diner's open for another four hours. The Ferret reminds her that no power equals no customers equals no need for a short-order cook, and grabs his jacket. Through a mouthful of refried burger, Isabel mumbles the meta-statement, "You're right. This is really bad." Word. My Lord up in Heaven, Is. Honey. And your amazing rack. Word. Isabel stands to follow the Ferret out the door, leaving the Lizbot to sulk alone in the dark.
El Centro de UFOs y Hostages. The Ferret tries the door, which he finds to be locked. Dismissing this as another consequence of the blackout, he mojos the security keypad to gain entry. So clever in the ways of breaking and entering is the Ferret. Down in the exhibition hall, Brodek hears the door open and stomps past Clan DeLuca to confront the intruders. "See?" Maria gloats. "I told you the cavalry was on the way." Amy nods her head and smiles in hopeful agreement while furrowing her brow in cautious disbelief at the same time. Tricky move, that. DeLucawitz needs to stop it with the Jackie Oh! flip thing up there on her head, by the way. Brodek's flattened himself against a wall at the base of the stairs, waiting in ambush. Upon the entrance of Isabel and the Ferret, he darts out to squeeze off three shots in their general direction. He manages only to hit an emergency light and a security camera. The Ferret tries to block the bullets with his own Lime Green Jell-O Shield Of Royal Alien Protection, but the Tridanthial Arterioderosic Gedoniacator blocks his powers as well. Isabel and the Ferret scamper out as Brodek gets off one more round. This final bullet pierces the "Refuge" sign in the entrance hall. The Lizbot, detecting the sounds of gunplay from across the street, creaks out of the Crashdown and over to El Centro de UFOs y Hostages to join the two escapees. Isabel wonders why the Ferret's powers failed him. The Lizbot wonders why she heard gunshots. The Ferret wonders why Maria was present in the exhibition hall. I wonder why I'm already on page eight when the episode still has forty minutes to go. Isabel announces that they must find Porno, and we fade to commercial.
Rancid milk. Dishwater. Wallpaper paste. Chum. Bile. Spit-takes. The 7-Up taste test, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Orlando Jones.
Shooting aftermath. DeLucawitz frantically hustles Maria further away from Brodek, shielding her daughter with her body. Brodek strides over to the Lovebirds in Bondage. He darkly warns against any further attempts to contact the others, promising violence should further attempts be made. Maria's cell phone chirps again in the background. Brodek barks angrily into it by way of greeting. Porno's on the other end from high atop his perch in the Lizbot's Aerie across the street. Pardon me while I bitch about the time frame for a moment. This scene follows immediately upon the one that ended with the break. Do the people who produce this awful excuse for televised entertainment expect me to believe that Porno instantaneously materialized in the Aerie of the Lizbot with all of his surveillance equipment at the ready? Do they? Katims & Co. should have gone with their original plan and destroyed all copies of this episode. Actually, they should have pissed on all copies of this episode, then destroyed them. Brodek launches into a tirade on the phone. I'd transcribe it, but it's so scattered and pointless, it served only to make me scream, "Stop. SHOUTING. Shut UP. Shut UP. Shut UP. Shut UP. LEANNA has LEFT the BUILDING!" Yes. Fear for my sanity. Porno negotiates, asking Brodek if he's willing to provide a list of demands. Brodek's taken aback at the suggestion. My So-Called Sean pipes up, suggesting that Brodek get the gang some food. DeLucawitz shoots him a grunt that clearly indicates she will be throttling her criminally-stupid nephew as soon as her hands are free. Brodek runs with this idea, requesting six hamburgers and six orders of fries. He refuses to negotiate further until this request has been satisfied, and hangs up. Porno sighs. You and me both, Porno. You and me both.
Brodek barricades the staircase with bits and pieces from various El Centro displays, muttering nonsense to himself all the while. He reaches behind Tess to retrieve a rubberized alien dummy, snarking, "I need to borrow your cousin for a while." He turns away, but stops suddenly as if remembering further details from his other life. This is, indeed, exactly what has happened. He spins around with, "Of course! That's it! Damaris Rock!" Max has no clue what Brodek's babbling on about. Brodek spins a tale of young alien love and his role in bringing Max and Tess together. Damaris Rock, named for their home planet's third moon, "juts out over the water" of -- I'm guessing here -- Damaris Lake. Tess shuts her eyes, enraptured at her own memory of the event described. By the light of the many, many moons, Brodek and Zax were frolicking in a strictly heterosexual manner in the "crimson red" waters of the lake when Zax caught sight of Tess lounging on a nearby boulder. Zax, strict heterosexual alien he was and is, was immediately smitten. However, Zax was quite the shy one, it seems, and refused to be introduced to his once and future queen. Brodek mischievously arranged for the two of them to meet later that evening. "At a party," Tess coos, completely blowing their cover. Stupid Tess. Max glances over at her, then turns back to Brodek and breathes through his nose, "That's a nice story." Take it down into your throat, Jason. We know you're pushing thirty, and that you have a pack-a-day habit. Talking through your nose doesn't make you sound eighteen; it makes you sound like you have a hare lip. Tess looks moistly stricken at her beloved's denial of their shared past. Brodek carries on in the same vein he's been overmining all night, telling Max he "[has] to know that what's in [his] head is real." Max offers no comfort, again denying his relationship with Tess. Tess gazes off into the middle distance, tears forming in her eyes.
Aerie of the Lizbot. Porno, peering through a telescope, eyes Deputy Duh's wary approach to El Centro de UFOs y Hostages. "Y'know," Porno observes, "I could spit on a whore from this balcony." Okay, he doesn't say anything close to that, but that one statement would have made this episode that much more enjoyable. Deputy Duh knocks on the glass door of El Centro, much to the confused consternation of Brodek inside. Porno interrupts the proceedings with a well-timed call to Deputy Duh's cell. Cop chat. Ralph The Obese Electrician determined that the initial power surge that knocked out the town's grid came from El Centro. Porno invites Deputy Duh to join them in the Aerie. The Ferret, of course, finds this problematic. If the issue at hand involves aliens, it would be imprudent to involve Deputy Duh at this juncture. Porno opines that they're all better off if Deputy Duh remains ignorant of the unfolding hostage situation. Porno intends to trick the deputy into leaving the scene. Given Deputy Duh's nonexistent IQ, this should be easily done. Porno reveals to the deputy that El Centro is actually a fallout shelter. The doors lock automatically whenever external sources of power are cut off. Porno believes a couple of people are trapped inside, but it's nothing he and his teenaged entourage can't handle. Deputy Duh would better serve his office directing traffic. Deputy Duh agrees, and exits. I told you he was dumb.
Crashdown kitchen. The Ferret -- sans hairnet -- flips a couple of burgers on the grill. Isabel thinks his method of cooking will take up far too much of their precious time. She waves a hand over the half-dozen beef patties, frying them instantly, despite the Ferret's assertion the food will "taste funny" as a result. Liz whines about the fries. The Ferret tosses some alien voodoo at the deep fryer. Problem solved. Out in the dining area, Porno fits Liz with a small surveillance camera on the lapel of her coat. Why do these people trust Liz with surveillance equipment? She always screws it up. Porno basically instructs her to get in there, drop off the food, and get out. Liz agrees to the plan. Yeah, this is going to work out just fine. Not. Liz accepts the box of food from Isabel and exits the diner.
Down in the alien exhibition hall, the Hostage Five nervously await the Lizbot's entrance. Brodek buzzes her into El Centro and helps her through the barricade on the staircase. She refuses his offer of payment for his order, but he insists she take it. "I think I'm rich," he casually remarks. Shut up, Brodek. Liz stalls, attempting to swing the MiniCam around enough to give Porno a view of the room's layout, but she eventually turns to go. Brodek chomps into a hamburger, notes the "alien taste," and stops her. Why does the food taste different? Power's out. They had to use a butane grill. Then what about the French fries? Um, uh oh. Brodek accuses the Lizbot of "using alien power" to prepare the food, and physically hurls her back into the room. Max rises to stop further abuse of his purported girlfriend. Brodek shuts him down. My So-Called Sean slyly extends his foot in Brodek's path. Brodek trips, wiping up the floor with his face. The pistol clatters off on the concrete, but Brodek snatches it back up before Sean can kick it further away. Porno rings Maria's cell phone, distracting the psycho for a moment. My-So Called Sean tells Liz to reach into his pocket, pull out the switchblade she finds therein, and cut the tape from his hands. She complies. Brodek rants. Sean quietly stalks up behind him, knife at the ready. Max, King of the Fuckwitted, bellows, "Sean! NO!" Why, Max? For God's sake, why? If Sean knifes Brodek, the hostage situation ends, and you're free to heal the psycho at your leisure. No wonder you lost an entire planet, you halfwit. Brodek spins on his heel. Violent manly tussling. Concerned looks. Fallen exhibits. Brodek emerges victorious, bloody shiv clutched awkwardly in his left hand. Gasps. Expressions of terror. Maria buries her face in her mother's shoulder. A full-throated wail from the Lizbot. Max with his patented expression of no expression at all. Brodek stands above the bleeding ex-con, slowly realizing what he's done. Commercial. God, will this episode never end?
El Centro. Brodek screams maniacally in triumph and kicks over a stack of boxes. Amy and Maria tend to My So-Called Stabbing Victim, who took it in the stomach. Liz scurries to Max's side, urging him to work his alien healing magic on the fallen DeLuca. Max directs her attention to the Triangulated Ambulatory Gesticulation hanging on a post over their heads. As long as it's activated, My So-Called Stabbing Victim bleeds. They also bicker about whether Brodek's life is more valuable than My So-Called Stabbing Victim's. Back when this was originally to air, such bickering would seem to indicate Max's lingering resentment over Liz's burgeoning friendship with the errant DeLuca. Since he knocked up Agnetha over there in the weeks that followed, the bickering, like much of rest of this episode, now has no point. At all.
Aerie of the Lizbot. Porno frets over the instant replay of My So-Called Stabbing Victim's unfortunate tangle with the Brodek. Deputy Duh intrudes. Seems he's scraped together enough loose change since their last encounter to buy something resembling a clue. He wonders why Porno warned him away from El Centro. He wonders why Porno has liberated the "department's laptop" from the sheriff's office. I wonder why his cracker accent fades in and out, seemingly of its own volition. The cleft in Deputy Duh's chin demands an explanation. Porno stumbles through a feeble excuse, but the Cleft -- it knows he is lying. The Cleft determines El Centro is the scene of "a hostage situation" and leaves to "take action." Porno calls after the Cleft, to no avail.
El Centro Exhibition Hall. The female humans huddle over the prone form of My So-Called Stabbing Victim. Tess cautiously asks Max if he still loves Liz. Max: "It's hard to describe what I feel for Liz." "Hard" is not a word I need to hear in that context. Tess with the "we're interplanetary soul mates" blather. Max with the "still not having it" retorts. See above comment regarding one Tess and the knocking up thereof for my thoughts on the current relevance of this conversation. And still it drags on. My So-Called Stabbing Victim asks Liz for a dinner date. Maria wonders how he "can be wounded and still on the make at the same time." Liz needs "to think about" the offer. Maria reminds Liz she's currently involved with that slab of hybrid alien man meat trussed up in the corner. No, she's not. Five weeks ago, maybe -- and even back then I had a hard time believing it. The slab of hybrid alien man meat announces his intention to "do something before more people get hurt." Tess would like to know what that "something" entails. Max proposes to tell Brodek the truth.
Aerie. Hooray! It's Kyle! He crawls out through Liz's bedroom window to tell his father Deputy Duh called in "sharpshooters" from "the state police" to storm El Centro de UFOs y Hostages. In response to this bit of news, Porno again consults the purloined departmental laptop. The Lizbot continues to transmit images from deep within the exhibition hall. Porno catches sight of the "fallout shelter's lockdown mechanism." He determines that, should they find a way to activate the mechanism from outside El Centro, they can perhaps delay the incoming S.W.A.T. team long enough to end the situation peacefully. He sends Kyle on a mission to the library to dig up El Centro's blueprints. Kyle: "The library's closed." Porno: "Kick the window in! Go!" Chalk another one up to Porno's ineffable knack for contributing to the delinquency of minors. Kyle takes off just in time to miss the image on the computer screen of Max rising to his feet.
Cut to the hall. Max, still bound, walks over to Brodek as the gals of Roswell peer apprehensively from the floor. Liz none-too-subtly aims the surveillance camera on her lapel at the action that follows. These people are so relentlessly, so brutally stupid, I'm at an utter loss for words. Max intones, promo-style, "I am an alien. I am the king of another planet, and Tess is my wife." Brodek is intrigued as DeLucawitz quietly snarks something about "reverse psychology" in the background. Max confirms all of Brodek's suspicions, and answers all of his subsequent questions regarding the alien presence on Earth and their plans to return to their home planet. The answers mollify Brodek, who moves to disarm and discard his pistol. If only the idiot Lizbot had a couple of functioning brain cells firing in that vast, empty cavern she calls a head. At the last minute, Brodek notices the MiniCam on Liz's coat. Enraged, he stomps across the room to loom over her kneeling figure. "She's wearing a camera!" Yeah, we know. "I'm going to kill you!" If only. You know the bullets are just going to ricochet off the exterior alloys. Porno gapes. Lizbot simpers. Brodek menaces. And we fade to commercial with twenty goddamn minutes to go.
El Centro. Brodek, raving, pushes his guests into the back office and locks the door. Outside on the street, a drunk-with-power Deputy Duh orders about various police resources. Up in the Aerie of the Lizbot, the Ferret taps frantically on the keys of the purloined departmental laptop in a fruitless effort to reactivate the Lizbot's transmission. Isabel clacks her worry beads together while Porno paces impotently in the foreground. Down in the barricaded office, Maria asserts, "This is really bad. They always lock you in the back room before they shoot you." DeLucawitz counsels positive thinking. My So-Called Stabbing Victim wanders about, surprisingly spry for one so recently knifed in the gut. Max finds the virtual-reality helmet last seen when I was six years old. Or so it seems at this point. He supposes Brody was wearing it when it shorted out. Tess builds on this assumption, guessing that the electrical shock inadvertently activated Larek's memories. Maria patiently asks for an explanation in standard American English. Because her brain slid out of her ear to join those of the others in a quivering, useless pile of grey matter on the linoleum at some point this evening. Max exposits that Larek and others of his kind "tap into" the portion of the mind humans never use. Without Brody being aware of it, he carries with him both his own memories, which are easily accessible, as well as those of Larek, which are more difficult -- if not impossible -- to call upon. Liz realizes that the source of Brodek's erratic behavior is neurological damage. Max, therefore, can heal him. Tess needlessly reminds them all of the Tridilated Amphibian Gerbil. They have to get Brodek to shut it down before any laying on of pecstacular hands will work. Maria bravely offers to intervene with the afflicted millionaire. Heh. That makes her sound just like Anna Nicole Smith.
Aerie of the Lizbot. Kyle returns, blueprints in hand, as passing helicopters rake the scene with klieg lights. Porno scans the plans for El Centro and quickly locates the external component of the fallout shelter's lockdown mechanism in an alley behind the building. Isabel and the Ferret dart off to take care of it while Deputy Duh pulls out a battering ram to break through El Centro's glass doors. Overkill, table for one. Actually, the Cleft wants a seat of its own, so make that two. Isabel and the Ferret skulk past the action in the street to the alley. Inside the besieged "museum," Maria gently prods Brodek's memory. Does he not recall the many delightful afternoons when she plied him with pepperjack cheese? He wishes he could. Maria's eyes glisten damply in the dim light. She tells Brodek he'd make one hell of a boyfriend, and he's a terrific father as well. Again, the pointlessness of this scene in light of subsequent events overrides any sweetness contained herein. We're supposed to think Maria might yet pursue a relationship with Brody. We know otherwise. Move it along, kids. Brodek blithers on about how helpless he feels with what amounts to two different identities clashing in his head. Maria tries to soothe him with a photo she plucks from the corkboard above the desk. It's a shot of Brody cuddling his daughter, the cancer-stricken Sydney. Try as he might, he can't remember a damn thing about her. Brodek bursts into tears of frustration.
Alley. Isabel and the Ferret dodge policemen to locate the lockdown lockbox. Flipping the nearby switch has no effect. Down in Brody's office, My So-Called Stabbing Victim fiddles with the security keypad by the door as DeLucawitz brays in the background. "He's gonna kill her," she insists, referring of course to Maria. "We need to get out of here right now." Max attempts to cut her off, but she's not having it. At all. "I have had enough out of you for one day, Max Evans." Now fully all up in Max's expressionless face, she continues, "My nephew is going to get us out of here so I can save my precious daughter." She crosses to My So-Called Stabbing Victim to pound on his back as she finishes, "And what is taking you so long? Are you a criminal or not?" I've said it before, I'll say it again. DeLucawitz. Rules. I hope she gets a part in the Pornos' spin-off. Just as long as she leaves the creepy key lime pies at home. My So-Called Stabbing Victim informs his hyperactive aunt that he's going as fast as he can.
Out in the hall, Brodek starts at the sounds of the surrounding police presence preparing its attack. Maria urges calm. She tells him he needs to deactivate the Troglydariate Aphoristic Grammarian so that Max can heal him. The cops, meanwhile, bust in the glass on the front doors above. In the alley, the Ferret mojos the rusted wheel of the lockdown device into motion. The rusted wheel is whiny, but it works. As the police storm into El Centro's upper entrance hall, a steel door rattles into place, blocking their access to the exhibition hall below. Deputy Duh spots the bullet hole in the "Refuge" sign and furrows his Cleft. Down in Brody's office, My So-Called Stabbing Victim has succeeded in besting the security keypad. DeLucawitz's joy upon hearing this news is short-lived. Brodek enters with the gun, steals Max away, and relocks the door. Upstairs, Deputy Duh stares anxiously from the sidelines as a police technician sparks up a blowtorch to burn through the steel barrier. Down in the hall, after an excruciating and unnecessary pause for "dramatic" "effect," Brodek deactivates the Tribilious Anthropomorphic Gesundheit. Max reaches over to heal Brodek's brain.
Once more into the strobing montage. A starburst. Brody, in pain, possessed by Larek that time when Isabel "hypnotized" him. A brighter starburst. Overexposed shot of Brodek's healing in progress. Sydney in a tutu from the Christmas atrocity. Brody placing a tiara on her head. Brody applauding his daughter's efforts in the field of dance. Sydney curtsies. "Hypnotized" Brody gasps in agony. Overexposed shot of Max the Healer. If you pause it at the right spot, he looks stoned off his gourd. Heh. Galaxies collapsing in on themselves. Evil over-processed shot of naked Max and naked Tess sucking on each other's tongue. More random galaxies. Damaris Rock with the crimson-red Damaris Lake under the three moons of Planet Arium intercut with the evil naked alien sex. Lots of evil naked alien sex. Finally, it ends.
Max is hurled backwards as he shuts down the connection with Brody. Brody, meanwhile, is back to his dizzy old self. He gazes at the pistol in his hand as if he's never seen it before. Which I find hard to believe, as he's been keeping it in that damn filing cabinet all this time. Max removes the clip from the automatic and tells Brody he was "abducted" again. Max, Maria, and Brody hustle back to the office as the tech with the blowtorch comes closer to cutting through the upstairs door. In the office, DeLucawitz, again overjoyed, throws herself on Maria the moment she enters. Maria tries to shrug her mother off. Snicker. Max pulls the old "you saw nothing, yes?" thing on the assembled human throng, but My So-Called Stabbing Victim and his aunt tell him to can it. My So-Called Stabbing Victim insists Brody be put away, preferably for a very long time. Maria plays the "but Brody's a single parent, too" card. No go. DeLucawitz calls Brody "a danger to his family, his neighbors, [and] his whole community." She will "not be part of a cover-up." Useless intercut shots of the blowtorching in progress and Max's panicked reaction. My So-Called Stabbing Victim is more easily persuaded. Liz basically offers exclusive first-run access to her private cookie jar, and that's enough for him. Upstairs, the torching of the door is finished. Deputy Duh orders his men "into position." Not like that. Ew. In the office, DeLucawitz continues to refuse "to lie about what happened." Tess cuts her short with a "mind warp." After a moment, Amy's posture relaxes as she languidly glances up at the ceiling. "Do you think they're ever gonna get this power back on?" Tess, in an aside, assures Max that "[Amy] won't remember any of it."
The police meanwhile have clomped their way into the main exhibition area, guns drawn. Porno, Isabel, and the Ferret trail in behind them. Way to secure a potential crime scene, you dimwits. The gang emerges from the office. DeLucawitz effusively greets Deputy Duh. My So-Called Stabbing Victim notes that he "thought [they'd] be stuck down [there] for days." Deputy Duh demands to know the reason for all the bullet holes, and why is the El Centro exhibition hall such a mess? Max rather unconvincingly notes they're in the middle of "remodeling." Unconvincing, yes, but Deputy Duh is a nimrod. Brody finds the CD containing the digitally-recorded evidence of the Lime Green Jell-O Shield Of Royal Alien Protection, and wonders what it is. The Cleft would like to know as well. Max snatches the CD from his employer's hand and improvises. "Michael. I downloaded that band off of Napster for you." Oy. Do I have to deal with that? Okay. Even if this episode blah had aired in blah blah April, that blee bling "joke" still would have blarg reeked like the blee blay blow bloated carcass of a...oh, forget it. It sucks, okay? How's that? The "joke" sucks. The various participants in this evening's festivities depart, leaving My So-Called Stabbing Victim alone with Deputy Duh. The Cleft -- it is somehow dissatisfied with the explanations it has received. Deputy Duh shines his flashlight on the "George W. Is An Alien" t-shirt My So-Called Stabbing Victim wears to hide the gaping, bloody wound in his torso. "I can get you one," Sean helpfully offers. He means a t-shirt, not a gaping, bloody wound to the torso. Oh, and: Heh.
A brief (and pointless) coda between Maria and Brody the following morning at the Crashdown. She returns Sydney's photo. He was unaware she had borrowed it. He makes nice with the "I feel like you're always here protecting me" sentiments. Maria beams. Whatever. Go away, Brody. We know we're never going to see you again, so just get gone.
Tess's boudoir in the Den of Porno. Max climbs in unannounced through the open window. Tess, sleepy-eyed, asks, "What is it?" He reveals that when he pulled the Vulcan mind-meld mojo on Brody, he received instructions to escort her to the prom, after which he was to spend an hour or so in the Brigadoon Observatory impregnating her with an alien fetus she will miscarry should she remain on Earth. Tess is scantily-clad and delighted. He brushes her cheek with his thumb, and we fade to black.
Okay, that's not what he saw in BrodyVision, but that's what ended up happening, okay? Jesus, just let me get back to those goddamned witches in San Francisco already. I never thought I'd say it, but thank God for the oversimplified weekly-exposition/weekly-main-action/weekly-summation brand of storytelling on Charmed. Christ.
Oh yeah, one more thing. week, the Ferret cries. I am so out of here.