|
3-18 2002.05.14 |
Actually, it was pretty stupid Michael and Maria refer to this show as stupid, taking the final word from the critics who have been spray-painting that word on the side of Roswell's Paramount soundstage for three freaking years already. |
| 2-11 Recap |
Are you there, God? It's me, Djb.
To Serve And Protect - The WB finally lets its Roswell "writers" out of their cages long enough to find Mighty Big TV, and they waste no time in creating the character of a pudgy, balding loser who everybody hates. And naming him after this show's recapper. Of course I'm narcissistic enough to actually believe that this has everything to do with me. Why do you ask? Stop talking so much. The voices! In my head! So loud! |
2001.01.22 2001.01.24 |
C+ |
Djb |
| 2-10 Recap |
Fa la la la...not
A Roswell Christmas Carol - When someone discovers a holiday that hasn't been so madly commercialized that it requires a product-placed soundtrack during scenes about terminally ill children, please give me a call. If you're looking for me, I'll be wrapped up tight in a straitjacket, rocking back and forth in a padded room, dreaming about the world's ambivalence toward Arbor Day. |
2000.12.18 2000.12.20 |
C- |
Djb |
| 2-9 Recap |
I wanna wake up in the city that never sleepzzzzzzzzzzz
Max In The City - Look, Katims. We know you film the show in L.A. But no one on staff has even been to New York City? How about consulting a map? An atlas? A Ken Burns documentary? A...oh, just forget it. |
2000.11.27 2000.11.29 |
Djb |
|
| 2-8 Recap |
And Starring Jo Polniaczek As The Diction Coach!
Meet The Dupes - Yo. |
2000.11.20 2000.11.22 |
Djb |
|
| 2-7 Recap |
Should I Stay Or Should I...JUST GO
Wipeout! - Gage and his unfortunately-coifed mom lead the Flaky Brigade into Roswell to show the aliens who's in charge, but all of the lead humans have found clever and convenient ways to just not disappear. No one else. Just the leads. Just like magic. |
2000.11.13 2000.11.14 |
Djb |
|
| Extra |
Shites Of Passage
Rites Of Passage - For you, we did this recap of Rites Of Passage. FOR YOU. And what did we get? Nothing. No sex of any kind. Not even kissing. Jason Behr had a hoop earring and a desperate need for hair clippers in his neck region. And really, really bad dialogue. And Dean Stockwell for a father. But what did we receive for our troubles? Fast-forward-button tunnel syndrome. |
2000.11.11 2000.11.11 |
D |
Sars |
| 2-6 Recap |
Children Of The Corny
Harvest - Man, if you thought Roswell, New Mexico was the middle of freakin' nowhere, welcome to Copper Summit, Arizona. Actually, I wish we could all just have stayed home. 'Cause this episode sucked. But at least, for the first time in three weeks, it sucked in this decade. So, y'know, that's new. |
2000.11.06 2000.11.07 |
Djb |
|
| 2-5 Recap |
Behind The Music: Max Evans And The Mariachis
End Of The World - He was a brilliant singer and a devastating lover, a pining Spanish recording artist with a voice like honey and ears bigger and brighter than an Acapulco sunset. But it was on that fateful night at the Granolith in 2014 that Max Evans peeked into his past, and realized where it had all gone wrong. |
2000.10.30 2000.11.01 |
Djb |
|
| Extra |
Teen Sees It In The Stars
Teen Sees It In The Stars - Jason is clad in black leather everything and a question mark at the end of the words "hair and makeup," Brendan is sporting a white long-sleeved t-shirt, black leather pants, a belt buckle so big and silver and gaudy that the Parton family is still sitting around Memphis wondering what ever became of their beloved family crest, and Katherine separates them, her blonde tresses (I beg to differ…check the roots) falling over her blue zip-up jacket and her even bluer skintight pants. |
2000.10.24 2000.10.24 |
C- |
Djb |
| 2-4 Recap |
Tuesdays With Snore-y
Summer Of '47 - An astonishing series of contrivances leads Michael to a curmudgeonly old Army feller, who spins a yarn of times past. In flashback, he recounts the story of the crash over Roswell in 1947 and the government's attempt to cover it up. Maria sports a southern accent. If by "southern," you mean "learning disabled." |
2000.10.23 2000.10.24 |
Djb |
|
| 2-3 Recap |
Take Me To Your Bleeder
Surprise - Isabel embarks on an extended vision quest during her birthday party, in which she experiences flashes of a dying, bloodied Tess dancing in her head. The witch hunt is on to figure out what kind of an ogre would be responsible for such an action, but suspects keep getting knocked down on the basis that no one hates her quite enough to pull the trigger. Hey, don't look at me, man. I was home watching baseball. |
2000.10.16 2000.10.16 |
Djb |
|
| 2-2 Recap |
Go, Greased Lightning
Ask Not - The pecs continue to teach us lessons of their manifold strength. |
2000.10.09 2000.10.09 |
Djb |
|
| 2-1 Recap |
The Cadmium-X Files
Skin And Bones - Cruel reality and even crueler haircuts abound as the second-season premiere continues its mission to provide humdrum consistency in an otherwise inconsistent world. A mysterious substance of indeterminate origin sets off the paranoia alarm after what we're repeatedly told was a summer of peace. The mysterious orbs are gone, but they are replaced with a new set of ambiguous clues sure to confuse and confound in their comparable levels of pointlessness. Everyone mopes. Does this sound at all familiar? |
2000.10.02 2000.10.02 |
Djb |
|
| Extra |
Southwest Side Story
Spaced Out! - From the people who brought you Forget Your Troubles, Come on Get Real, The Practice on Ice, and numerous other hit Broadway musicals based on popular MBTV shows too numerous and downright fabulous to mention here, comes the musical sensation Spaced Out!, a song-and-dance spectacular based on the WB's rip-roaring, follies-worthy dance fest called Roswell. |
2000.06.21 2000.06.21 |
Djb |
|
| 1-22 Recap |
I Want It Crap Way
Destiny - Ain't nothin' but a heartache. Ain't nothin' but a mistake. A season finale so madcap it inspired Gratuitous Cameo Weekly to rave, "Rock your body right!" |
2000.05.15 2000.05.15 |
Djb |
|
| 1-21 Recap |
Cream-Filled Ding-Dong
The White Room - Classic-rock redux ahoy! A "Born Under A Bad Sign" Max Evans isn't "Sitting On Top Of The World" when he's taken into Pierce's custody and the "Sunshine of [His] Love" squeals it all to John Q. Law. Meanwhile, Steely Dan sits at home, seething with rage. |
2000.05.08 2000.05.08 |
Djb |
|
| 1-20 Recap |
Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Smirkin'
Max To The Max - The plot goes in circles, but at least it goes somewhere, as Nasedo shows his stripes as Max's eeeeevil doppelganger. All hail the Lizbot 5000! |
2000.05.01 2000.05.01 |
Djb |
|
| 1-19 Recap |
Like A Bad Dream
Four Square - It is possible that Isabel is pregnant. It is possible that Tesla is an alien. It is possible that Evil Ed is still pretty darn evil. But no one seems to be taking the time to figure it all out, as the gang spends even more time sleeping through this episode than I do. |
2000.04.24 2000.04.24 |
Djb |
|
| 1-18 Recap |
Govern Mental
Tess, Lies, And Videotape - Max gets around with the new girl while Liz nearly gets screwed by the new girl's father. FBI technology attempts to make something else tiny besides viewer interest in the show. Evil rears its ugly head and invites us to stay for dinner. |
2000.04.17 2000.04.17 |
Djb |
|
| 1-17 Recap |
Red, Red Whine
Crazy - All the moody backlighting in the desert southwest can't disguise the same ol', same ol' nature of an episode that puts the "tool" back in "failed artistic retooling" and the "over" back in "futile series overhaul." |
2000.04.10 2000.04.10 |
Djb |
|
| 1-16 Recap |
This week on Roswell: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww
Sexual Healing - Behr in mind...that the pecs toll next for thee. |
2000.03.01 2000.03.01 |
Djb |
|
| 1-15 Recap |
Tony Clifton's Revenge
Independence Day - Ow! Big fluffy cotton clothes! I can practically feel the low thread count of the Wal-Mart brand name chafing against my own sensitive skin! |
2000.02.16 2000.02.16 |
D- |
Djb |
| 1-14 Recap |
Keeping My Whitss About Me
Blind Date - Aliens don’t exist. On this show. Anymore. |
2000.02.09 2000.02.09 |
D- |
Djb |
| 1-13 Recap |
I Don't Give A Shatner
The Convention - An ensemble cast subplot bonanza can hardly dampen the spirits of the townspeople as a UFO Convention brings the celebrity likes of Billy Bob Thorton and some other guy. |
2000.02.02 2000.02.02 |
Djb |
|
| 1-12 Recap |
Earnest Goes to Campy
Into The Woods - Isabel pretends to date Alex and Alex pretends not to care when he finds out they’re not dating. Max pretends to radically alter his character and actually do something actively constructive, until confronted by Valenti, who’s pretending to care about Kyle. Also, Liz pretends to get a cold and Maria pretends to get Soleil Moon-Frye’s old figure after she pretends to get a navel ring. A lot of other pretend things happen, too. But when you really stop and think about it, pretend action is only pretend better than no action at all. |
2000.01.26 2000.01.26 |
Djb |
|
| 1-11 Recap |
Singed Bangs
The Toy House - Apparently, someone down at Continuity Headquarters chose to neglect the unwritten truism that we, the audience, at least have to meet a so-called "major" character before investing emotionally when suddenly faced with the prospect of watching said character, oh, I don’t know, spontaneously burst into flames. |
2000.01.19 2000.01.19 |
Djb |
|
| 1-10 Recap |
What A Tangled Web We...Oh, Forget It
The Balance - You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both. You subtract the good. And there you have. This episode. |
1999.12.15 1999.12.15 |
D- |
Djb |
| 1-9 Recap |
Too Hot To Handle, Too Cold To Care
Heat Wave - Michael gets naughty, Maria gets naughty, Kyle gets naughty, and Liz gets -- that’s right, you guessed it -- as boring and drippy as a rainy church picnic. |
1999.12.01 1999.12.01 |
Djb |
|
| 1-8 Recap |
A My Name Is Alex
Blood Brothers - Too much goddamn turkey, barely diverted battles with a lovingly overprotective family, and a wish that walking past the old haunts of the town I grew up in didn’t scare up those nagging whispers of, "You peaked in high school. You peaked in high school." Or was that just my Thanksgiving break? Apologies, kids -- this whole four-day weekend thing has me completely off my game. |
1999.11.24 1999.11.24 |
Djb |
|
| 1-7 Recap |
And Don't You Come Back No More
River Dog - They said it would continue. It continued. |
1999.11.17 1999.11.17 |
Djb |