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Octavian taps Vorenus to oversee the transfer of Herod's bribe from the docks to Rome, and if it had gone smoothly, we really wouldn't have much of an episode this week. First of all, Gaia ends up killing not only the baby but Eirene as well. Nobody suspects, but obviously Pullo's in no shape to accompany the gold shipment, so Mascius goes instead. Maecenas and Posca are plotting to steal a cut for themselves, and when Mascius gets the shipment ambushed out from under him, fingers are pointing in every direction. The members of the Triumvirate suspect one another, but not as much as Maecenas suspects Posca and Mark Antony of double-crossing him. He takes his scattershot revenge by spilling a double handful of beans: Antony's still screwing Julii Cooper, and Agrippa's been screwing Octavia all along. Prig that he is, Octavian puts his mom and sister under house arrest, exiles Antony to Egypt, and cuts Agrippa a break. Agrippa dumps Octavia just before learning that she's pregnant (by whom, we don't yet know). Also, Octavian is about to marry a young woman named Livia, who is already almost as scary as he is. We still haven't found the gold, though, have we? That's because Memmio stole it. Vorenus knows this; now he just has to find the leak in his organization. They think it's Mascius at first, but when one of Vorena's little wicker totems pops up at an opportune moment, Vorenus realizes that his daughter has betrayed him. They have a wicked fight, and Vorenus ends up inviting himself along to Egypt with Antony rather than trying to fix things at home. He leaves Pullo behind in charge of both the family and the Collegium. Memmio buys off the other captains to get them to join him against Pullo and the Aventine, and in a climactic battle scene, Pullo ensures that Memmio's smooth-talking days are over, as is Omnipor's weaving career. But we won't know until week how everything else turns out on that front. Finally, Antony arrives in Egypt, and it looks like he and Cleopatra will be together again for the first time. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
At his villa, Octavian is delivering a lecture to the upper-class women of Rome that's all about how, while Roman men were strong and powerful in the old days, it wasn't until they had wives to civilize them that the culture began its rise to greatness. He credits female virtue and morality with making Rome what it is today. And of course, his unwitting hypocrisy is underscored by shots of Mark Antony screwing Julii Cooper (so, clearly, they got back together), Agrippa screwing Octavia, and Gaia leaving the apothecary's shop with the evil, fetus-killing herbs tucked into her dress. I can't tell you how glad I am that this storytelling technique was not available to news reporters years ago when Newt Gingrich was going after Clinton for having extramarital affairs. Octavian promises to make laws rewarding fertility and punishing all forms of sluttery. Legislating morality, in other words. That always goes well.
Afterward, there's a reception going on the courtyard. Maecenas rescues Octavian from having to schmooze some old women, quietly telling him that the audience "bought it wholesale." "I mean every word," Octavian protests tightly, but Maecenas isn't cursed with Octavian's sincerity. "I suspect the women of old Rome were a parcel of whores and termagants," he remarks. Octavian pompously lets the subject drop, just in case you still thought there was anything he couldn't do pompously. Maecenas points across the courtyard to a young woman, and Octavian declares her "very presentable." And about fifteen. Maecenas assures Octavian that she comes from good stock, and has already proven fertile; she's got a son named Tiberius. "Introduce me," Octavian orders. They head over, Maecenas makes the introductions, and Octavian's first words to the girl, Livia, are, "Tell me -- how would you like to be married to me?" And here we thought Octavian had no game. Livia and her mother can't believe their good fortune, and Livia's smile reveals her as something of an orthodontic heir to Brutus. She says that would be awesome, as long as her husband doesn't mind. Octavian asks who that is, and upon being told it's Claudius Nero, he says there shouldn't be a problem, what with the Neros being a "patriotic" (i.e. Octavian ass-kissing) family. "See to the details," he orders the women, and he and Maecenas move on. Octavian expresses his approval of Livia before they move on to the real business of this episode, which is the huge bribe that's expected from Herod any time now. Apparently the ship with its twenty thousand pounds of gold is waiting offshore at Ostia. Maecenas says that he's planning to have our good friends of the Aventine Collegium oversee the delivery. Octavian's cool with that, but he wants Maecenas to make sure he has plausible deniability. If they get busted, he wants Antony to take the fall alone. So splitting everything three ways has its limits, I guess.
I don't know what Timon told his family after getting home from accidentally killing his brother, but it looks like they're moving now. As they walk through the crowded Roman streets, Timon's pulling a cart loaded with down with all of their worldly possessions, and if that's not an incentive to pack light, I don't know what is. One of Timon's daughters asks if they can expect to see Levi when they get to Jerusalem. Jerusalem? Timon plans to pull that cart all the way to Judea? That's an incentive to pack nothing but food and water, which, looking at Timon, may be what he did. Let's hope the walk is mostly downhill. Timon's rather cagey on the subject of Levi for now. Mrs. Timon gives her husband a little speech about what a good man he is; she knew it the moment she saw him, and he never proved him wrong. What, even that time he showed up for breakfast looking like Carrie at the prom? "Papa, are we there yet?" one of the daughters asks, and everyone laughs. Was that ever not funny? I take that back; when they're lost and starving and two hundred miles out of Fuckall, Greece, it probably won't be funny then.
The cart passes by a jewelry store where Posca is just about offering to buy out the place for his young wife, Jocasta. He sends her inside to browse, looking worriedly at a litter that's just approaching up the street. He goes to meet it and sticks his head inside the curtains, where a topless woman is making out with some form of androgyne. I'd be a little embarrassed if I were Posca, and more than a little worried that I'd gotten the wrong litter, but they're only putting on a little show for the entertainment of the litter's third passenger, who is none other than Maecenas. Posca bitches about Maecenas showing up in such a fancy ride, and is told, "This is my third-best litter. You're quite nondescript enough for the both of us." Still, Posca insists that Maecenas's floor show give them a little privacy, even though Maecenas assures Posca that the performers don't speak English (or whatever). Once it's just the two of them in there (and the crack pipe Maecenas confiscated from the "girls"), Posca says that they can't be too careful; they're planning to steal from their bosses, after all. Now he's careful, after cutting his wife loose in a jewelry store to spend his squealing-on-Antony fee from last week. Maecenas calls it not stealing, but "a small commission for services rendered." I'm sure their bosses will see it that way, too. Posca is pretty worried that Maecenas is going to get them both busted and killed, but he also likes money, so he outlines the plan: the gold will be delivered to the Temple of Saturn at night, and the two of them will be alone with the gold until day. Good plan. I'm certain nobody will suspect either of them when some of it turns up missing. "Bring slaves you trust," Posca begs. Just then, Jocasta pops in, giving them both a fright. "Why on earth do you travel in such a garish litter?" she asks Maecenas, who obviously hates her as much as Julii Cooper does. "I thought sure my husband was intriguing with an actress or some such trollop," flutters Jocasta, making herself comfortable and jangling her new bling quite a great deal. "So where are we going?" Maecenas sits there wishing he'd brought his eighth-best litter.
In his office, Vorenus is briefing Pullo and Mascius on their assignment to transfer the gold from the Ostian docks and bring it back to Rome. He's talking about the strict need for secrecy, and Mascius says that it's well in hand, but Vorenus breaks the news that this is going to be Pullo's gig. Mascius protests that Ostia is his area, and Vorenus explains that Octavian and Antony know and trust Pullo, so that's how it's going to be. Mascius gets it. "Third fucking man," he says bitterly, and walks out. His path takes him through the dining room, where Eirene is sitting at a table doing the books or writing in her diary or some such. Gaia delivers Eirene a steaming hot cup of death, although she calls it tea. Then she takes her time getting back to the kitchen, just so she can look back and make sure Eirene starts sipping it.
Cut to the middle of that night, with Pullo buck naked and smeared in Eirene's blood, running around in a panic and calling for help. This is why a more preferable choice would have been chamomile.
morning, Eirene's laid out on the bed, a pile of bloody rags crammed between her legs and a priestess chanting at her side while a doctor sadly washes his instruments in a basin of water. "Might as well lick them clean in this era," he thinks. Pullo's at Eirene's other side, holding her hand, still at least half-naked and with her blood still smeared on his shoulder. The priestess spits something all over the place and then smears some kind of smudge on Eirene's forehead. Eirene asks Pullo not to cremate her like a Roman; they do the burial thing where she's from, and she wants him to promise to respect her traditions. Put her in a black shroud and plant her in an open field, in other words. Pullo's barely keeping his shit together as he refuses, since he's still in denial that she's going to die. Finally, he agrees to bury her when she's old, although I assume he means both old and dead. Otherwise it would seem kind of heartless. He tries to lighten things by adding, "If I'm still around. You'll probably be on your second husband by then." Eirene asks about the baby, and Pullo says it was a boy. "Bury him with me," Eirene says, and Pullo almost loses it. Eirene tells him not to make her cry, and then her face goes still and blank. More than usual, that is. The priestess starts chanting again. Damn, that happened fast.
Her expression neutral, Gaia stands and watches outside the Collegium as Pullo carries Eirene's black-shrouded body out of the building, followed by a somber-faced Vorenus. He's only shrouded her up to the neck, which makes me wonder if maybe Eirene should have been a little clearer in her instructions. Pullo's graveside prayers to Eirene's gods (during which we learn that she was called "Adela" where she came from, so way to call your dead wife by the wrong name, Pullo) serve as a voice-over to scenes of Pullo and Vorenus digging her grave. He asks her gods to look after her and their son. I don't know where the son is, unless he's tucked somewhere inside the shroud with her, and I'm actually fine not knowing. Done thinking about it as of right now. Pullo promises Adela's gods, "I give my life to you to use as you like if you'll see that she's happy now." Big talk; how will he know when it's time to pay up?
In any case, it's clear that Pullo wasn't about to be the one to retrieve the gold from the docks as originally planned. That task falls to Mascius, and late that night he and his party travel watchfully along the Ostian Way, through the mausoleums outside the city. And then we see Pullo and Vorenus sitting together silently in Pullo's room the morning, like they probably have been since the night before. A knock comes on the door, and one of the staff tells Vorenus, "It's Mascius, sir. There's trouble." With one look back at Pullo's vacant expression, Vorenus goes to see what's up.
Vorenus finds a wounded Mascius being stitched up down in the kitchen, and none too quietly. "What happened?" Vorenus asks, and Mascius makes good use of flashbacks to tell the story of how he and his men were ambushed outside the Ostian Gate. We see Mascius's men dropping around him, while Mascius himself manages to crawl away and escape in the dark. He and only one other man survived, and of course the gold is gone. As is, presumably, the horse cart that was carrying it, because I can't imagine how anyone could be snuck up on by enough muggers to carry ten tons of gold. That would be, like, four hundred guys, and you know one of them would sneeze. Pissed, Vorenus asks if Mascius has any idea who did it. Mascius doesn't, but he knows that they were pros, and that they were waiting for them. Vorenus orders another underling to get their men out and find out who did this. To Gaia, who has come downstairs to make faces at her boyfriend's screams, he gives instructions to go sit with Pullo and make sure he has whatever he needs. He has no way of knowing that she already did exactly the opposite of that.
And then Vorenus has to go face the Triumvirate (and Maecenas and Posca) to tell them what's happened. Awkward. He assures them that he's already on the case, and will find the stolen gold. Maecenas seems more pissed off about this than anyone, oddly enough. Vorenus calmly says that he used all possible precautions and his best men. Octavian thinks that means Pullo, but Vorenus has to admit that Pullo got to stay home thanks to his wife dying in childbirth. Maecenas brushes insolently past Vorenus, talking about how "convenient" this all is. "I do not take your meaning," Vorenus says in that tone of his that means, "I will, however, take your trachea." Looking around the room, Maecenas says it's kind of fishy how the one guy Octavian trusted was replaced at the last minute. Antony asks if Maecenas is accusing him of something, and says that he could just as easily accuse Maecenas: "Or Lepidus, for that matter." Lepidus stiffly calls that ridiculous. He hates all of these people so very much, it's kind of funny. Trying to keep things cool, Octavian says that nobody's accusing anyone, and asks whether it could have been one of Vorenus's own men. Vorenus rather doubts that. When Maecenas asks, he responds, "They're scared of me," meaning, "Why the hell aren't you?" Antony says that this is all beside the point; Vorenus is responsible for their property, and had damn well better get it back. Vorenus promises to do so. Antony gets in his face and threatens, "You know the consequence of failure." Taking this as a dismissal, Vorenus leaves. Leaving Lepidus to air his own theory: "Gauls," he says, and launches into this whole ignorant racist rant about how much Gauls suck. But then he realizes that Octavian and Antony have left the room, and he's alone with Maecenas and Posca, who couldn't be less interested. So he takes his leave as well, looking forward to the day when AM talk radio is invented. Posca is about to take off too, but Maecenas accuses him of double-crossing him with Antony. "You'll both pay," he snits. How dare somebody foil his plot to steal a shitload of money?
Vorenus barges alone into Memmio's dinky little collegium building to find something of a party going on. But instead of cake and ice cream on the table, they've got naked prostitutes that they're vigorously fucking. Much warmer than doing it to ice cream, I'll wager. Vorena's boyfriend Omnipor has one on his lap who looks quite a bit like Vorena herself, which I'm sure she'd be pleased to see. Recognizing Vorenus, a slave gets up and opens the door to the back room, where Memmio sighs and removes the scarf from around the throat of the blindfolded woman he was about to do from behind. Despite the coitus interruptus, he's quite polite and welcoming to Vorenus as he comes out and sits at his table, inviting Vorenus to do the same. Vorenus gets right to the point, saying that some state property was stolen from his men last night. "Ow, that's not good," Memmio says mildly. "Peeved, I'll bet, the quality." I'll miss hearing him talk (spoiler!). He denies having had anything to do with it. Presenting his prostitute with one of his little wicker dolls, Omnipor agrees that they wouldn't dare. Vorenus says that he never accused anyone; he just wants Memmio to keep his ears open for clues, and Memmio says that he's only to happy to oblige. "Can't have people robbing a fellow captain. It's humiliating. Makes us all look bad." He asks what exactly was stolen, claiming that he can't help look without knowing what it is. Something about the way he says it gives him away, and Vorenus makes a big, sincere show of thanking Memmio for his help. "I will see you again soon," he threatens/promises. On Vorenus's way out, Memmio stops him with a word of advice to look to his own people. Vorenus takes one more look back, and then shoves his way out past the armed guards who have appeared outside the door. Once he's gone, Memmio gets serious in a hurry. He knows that Vorenus knows, and he knows that Vorenus knows Memmio knows he knows. He tells Omnipor to go summon the other captains, because there's not a big enough blanket in the world for him to cover his ass with by himself.
At Octavian's villa, Maecenas is trying to get Octavian more pissed off than he is about the theft of the gold, and it's really not working. He tries to point the finger at Antony, and that doesn't work either. Octavian says that Antony has been "just and honest" with him since last week's reconciliation. Maecenas begs to differ: "He's been making a fool of you." Octavian asks what Maecenas is talking about, and Maecenas says that Antony's marriage to Octavia is "a sham." As if we were to expect otherwise, since they didn't want to marry each other in the first place. Still, Octavian is shocked as Maecenas tattles that Antony and Julii Cooper are still doing it. Octavian doesn't think that Antony would dare to be so disrespectful, and besides, Octavia would tell him if her husband were cheating. "She has her own reasons for keeping silent," Maecenas shrugs. Oh, why not drag absolutely everyone into this, anyway? The scene ends before Maecenas can accuse Gaia of killing Pullo's wife and Memmio of stealing the gold, but since he seems to somehow know everything else, there probably just wasn't time.
Cut to Julii Cooper at home, receiving the news from Merula that Octavian has summoned her to dinner that night. When Julii Cooper says that she's got other plans, Octavian has said that "attendance is compulsory." Julii Cooper bitches about her son's officiousness and asks who else is coming. "Just family," says Merula, but with kind of a dire expression. That's probably apt, considering what family they're talking about.
Memmio addresses his fellow captains at his Collegium. He starts out cagey, saying that he's just wanting to get further into the grain trade. Nobody cares, so he elaborates that it's time to take Vorenus down a peg or two. His old sidekick, Not-Memmio, smirks that Memmio was the one who took Vorenus's gold. Memmio plays dumb, which doesn't really work considering that if he truly didn't know about the gold in question, he'd be the only one in the room. Memmio admits that Vorenus thinks he was the thief. "So he's after your head on a stick and you're scared. What's that to us?" says a gray-bearded captain through a sudden coughing fit. Memmio says that none of them can take on Vorenus and the Aventine Collegium alone, but that if they all band together, they can clean up. He's losing them, though, and several are getting up to leave. Until he stops them, saying, "I don't expect you to help me out of brotherly love." He gestures to Omnipor, who gets up, throws a cloth off a huge chest, and opens the lid to reveal a full load of coins. How the rickety wooden floor is supporting the ten-ton weight, I have no idea. Memmio starts throwing coins out into the room with abandon, and the other captains start laughing and grubbing at the coins. Except the gray-bearded one, who has passed out to his spilled wine cup, unnoticed by anyone. I wasn't sure what the point of that was, but now I've decided that it's a silent indictment of the unreliability of bought loyalty. As if the first season finale hadn't already covered that.
Octavian paces angrily at his house, with Livia as his audience. He apologizes if he's freaking her out, but she takes his hand and assures him that it isn't so. He compliments her "small" and "so dry" hands, and asks if her husband ever beats her. She says that she's never given him reason to. Octavian's grip on her hand is getting tighter and more painful as he asks the same of her father, whom she says never beat her either. I don't know, she looks like she may have taken a sock to the chops or two in her day. Octavian says it's good that Livia's a virtuous woman, and matter-of-factly warns her that he'll be beating her occasionally once they're married. He assures her that it's nothing personal: "It gives me sexual pleasure." I'm surprised anything does. But then the biggest tight-asses always turn out to be the kinkiest, don't they? "Yes sir," Livia responds, unblinking, and Octavian finally looks at her. "I think we shall get along very well," Octavian predicts, and I suspect that he's not wrong. Then Maecenas enters to say that all the guests have arrived. Now the fun can start.
Octavian, Livia, and Maecenas enter the front room, where Julii Cooper, Mark Antony, Octavia, and Agrippa have been waiting. Also, there are guards and slaves, but they won't get to talk. Octavian asks if there's any word from Vorenus on the gold. Antony says no, but he's not worried: "Vorenus always does what he says he'll do." Julii Cooper asks who Octavian's date is, calling her "this sweet creature." On first viewing, I thought she said "this weak creature," which put kind of a different cast on the rest of the scene for me. Octavian introduces her as "Livia, daughter of Livius Drusus Claudianus. I'm going to marry her." Formal pleasantries are exchanged, and Julii Cooper calls Octavian a "furtive person," saying that she had no idea he was engaged. This is Octavian's opening to say that he wanted Livia to know what she was marrying into. "It's a species of benign slavery," Octavia mutters. Octavia rises and walks toward her, asking if she thinks she's Spartacus or something. Here is where everyone else in the room is supposed to say, "I am Spartacus!" but nobody does. Octavian accuses his sister of rebelling against him, and lectures her that while he always knew Julii Cooper is a big old slut, he expected better of Octavia. "After all, you were so uptight during sex with me," he doesn't add. Agrippa's looking quite uncomfortable at this point, silent predicting what's coming. Octavian accuses his sister of treachery, which causes Mark Antony to suddenly discover the one gentlemanly bone in his body (no, not that one). He stands and angrily warns Octavian about talking that way to his wife. "Your wife in name only," Octavian accuses, again as if the whole thing wasn't his idea. "It's still Mother that performs the wifely function, is it not? While Octavia does the same for my good friend Agrippa. That's very convenient for all involved." Actually, Octavian, you little shit, it kind of is, so mind your own beeswax. Antony gets in Octavian's face, without denying anything, and tells him pretty much the same thing.
All this escalating tension finally makes something give, and not surprisingly, it's Agrippa. He confesses to being in love with Octavia and having been seeing her "in secret for some time now." As the Antonys glare at him with varying degrees of irritation and betrayal, Agrippa says, "I cannot answer for Antony." Antony's less irritated at Agrippa for fucking his wife than he is for rolling over so easily, so I'm pretty sure he knew all along. He turns back to Octavian and asks what he plans to do about it, thinking that the answer is nothing. Octavian already has a plan, though: he's going to send "my women" back home and put them under seclusion, effectively transforming the house of the Julii into a giant chastity belt. "I'll do no such thing!" Julii Cooper bellows, and is sharply told by Octavian to shut up. As for Antony, Octavian tells him to leave the city, go to his eastern provinces, and not come back. "Or else what, boy?" Antony scoffs. And Octavian tells him or else: he'll declare their alliance broken. Worse yet, he threatens to make the whole story public, which won't play so well with the masses. "They will say you wear cuckold's horns. They will say your wife betrayed you with a lowborn pleb on my staff. You will be a figure of fun. The proles will laugh at you in the street. Your soldiers will mock you behind your back." Dude, does Octavian have Antony's number or what? This is too much for Antony, who finally clamps his hands around Octavian's throat. He's not squeezing, though, and his face is filled with barely restrained rage. Octavian smugly dares Antony to take a swing, and Antony finally takes his hands away and walks out. Octavian calls to him, and he stops, but all Octavian has to say is, "If you find that gold, you'll be sure to tell me, won't you?" Antony exits without another word. In the awkward silence he leaves behind, Julii Cooper accuses Octavian of having disgraced his own sister. "She has disgraced herself," Octavian replies. But now Octavia impresses me as she casually says to Livia, "It was nice to meet you. Take care. You're marrying a monster." She's about to leave, followed by her mother, but the guards at the door block their way. Octavian sends Maecenas to escort the women home, telling him to take guards along. As Maecenas takes Julii Cooper's arm and walks her out, she fingers Maecenas as the informer and calls him a weasel. She says he hasn't done his boss any favors: "Now he has no family at all." I can think of worse things.
Still in Octavian's presence, Agrippa also realizes that Maecenas was the one who tattled. He tells Octavian not to punish Octavia for what he did: "It was I who seduced her." Octavian scoffs that while Agrippa has many talents, seduction isn't one of them. He's made up his mind in any case, and says that he still needs Agrippa and doesn't want his disappearance to signal a scandal. Poor Agrippa actually has to thank Octavian for this, and Octavian dismisses him. Now it's just him, Livia, and dinner for seven that nobody has touched. Octavian stiffly advises his fiancée to try a stuffed songbird. She obediently picks one up and munches the deep-fried head right off of it. This chick is creepy.
Nighttime. Vorenus enters Pullo's room to find Gaia and Pullo sitting silently on opposite ends of the room. After ascertaining that Pullo hasn't eaten or drunk anything, Vorenus pours him a cup and makes him take it. "Gold got stolen, did it?" Pullo asks. Vorenus says it's not Pullo's problem, and that he'll get it back. "Memmio?" Pullo asks. Vorenus says that Memmio was looking pretty guilty earlier, and all but confessed that he heard about the gold from one of Vorenus's own people. Pullo thinks that Mascius spilled the beans; he's pissy about the third fucking man thing, plus he lived. Vorenus reminds Pullo that Mascius has always been loyal, but Pullo's not impressed. "No one's a traitor until they are," Pullo says, as he picks up his knife and leaves the room. Vorenus reluctantly follows. I don't know when Gaia left the room, but if she were still here, she might have something to say about this. Of maybe not. I can't figure out what her deal is.
Downstairs, Vorenus and Pullo quietly wake up Mascius, who says that he's not feeling too bad, considering. "I was lucky," he says. "Very lucky," Pullo agrees darkly. Before the conversation can continue much further, Vorena the Younger chases Little Lucius through the room, telling him to give something back to her. Any bets on what it might be? I'm guessing her iPod. Once they've gone, Mascius shares his theory that maybe one of Octavian or Antony's own men laid the ambush. Vorenus reasonably points out that the Triumvirs didn't even know the route they were taken. "True," Mascius admits. "Memmio said we should look to one of our own," Pullo says quietly.
Pullo and Vorenus continue to good-centurion/bad-centurion Mascius until the kids come chasing through again. Vorenus grabs Little Lucius and confiscates the item of contraband, sending the children off to go be quiet and elsewhere. Pullo gets up and draws his knife, murder in his eyes. This is really unfortunate timing for Mascius, given how depressed Pullo is and how much better he often feels after killing someone. Mascius gives a little speech about how they were all in the army together for twenty years, and that he once took an arrow saving Pullo's life in Argovia: "Arrow's still in there." Really? That would explain why his acting's kind of stiff. He says he'd do it again, and invites Pullo to do what he needs to. Suddenly, Vorenus looks down at the item in his hand, which is of course one of Vorena's wicker totems. A sheep this time, so as to maximize the symbolism. He flashes back on Omnipor rubbing one of those same items across his prostitute's boobs back at Memmio's place, and tells Pullo to hold off just before the knife goes in under Mascius's ear. Vorenus gets up and urgently calls to Lucius, who comes running. He asks the boy where he got the totem, and Little Lucius points mutely behind him. Helpful. I think it's nice and all that Vorenus has accepted the child, but it would be even better if he ever got a line. Still, the nonverbal clue is enough for Vorenus.
Vorenus storms into the kids' room, surprising Vorena at her spinning wheel. While she worriedly tells him to stop, he angrily ransacks the room, overturning the bed and quickly finding the chest full of wicker toys. There are a lot more than last time. Not ten tons of gold's worth, but a lot. Vorenus regards his tangled fistful in quiet fury. He asks Vorena where she got them, and when she claims to have bought them, he hurls them at her. He accuses her of having gotten them from "one of Memmio's men." She denies it, and runs past Vorenus out the bedroom door before e can kill her. He chases Vorena through the building, all the way back to where Pullo (but not Mascius) can see them. Pullo witnesses the ensuing ugly scene in concern and confusion. Vorenus accuses his daughter of betraying him, and of whoring herself to Omnipor. Now Vorena's pissed, and insists that Omnipor loves her. Good one. "For the love of this scum you would betray your own father?" Vorena finally lets it all out: open hatred in her face, she says she betrayed Vorenus and was glad to do it. Vorenus seethes. My closed captioning even says so. "[Seethes]," it reads. He gets control of himself enough to ask why, and she runs down the list. Killed their mother, cursed them to Hades, made her a fucking whore, blah di blah di blah. Not good at letting things go, this girl. She says she hates him, as do all the kids, and that she wishes he were dead. Finally, Vorenus has enough and smacks her down, literally. Just in time for the two younger kids to come running into the room and see the whole thing, unnoticed. And it's still not over. When Vorena the Elder comes up, she's pointing a knife at her father, and daring him to kill her just like he killed her mother. Vorenus says that he didn't kill Niobe, but she doesn't believe him: "She didn't love you and you killed her for it." She's found a nerve -- no, an entire nerve cluster -- and keeps working it even as Vorenus tells her more and more forcefully to shut her dormouse-hole. Vorena continues pushing until Vorenus disarms her, grabs her by the throat, holds her up against a support pillar, and screams in her face, "Keep your mouth! Shut!" Vorena chokes, but at least she's stopped talking. Pullo finally intervenes, way too late. He just softly says Vorenus's name a couple of times, and Vorenus eventually realizes that the kids are watching him asphyxiate their older sister. That's no way to win hearts and minds. Well, at least Pullo's advice to be gentle with them was followed for almost four whole episodes. Ashamed, Vorenus releases his chokehold on his eldest, and she drops to the floor. Vorenus goes upstairs, leaving Pullo to pick Vorena up off the floor.
In the Forum, the Town Crier is announcing that Mark Antony is going to Alexandria to be supreme governor of Egypt and the eastern provinces. And then there's a little ad for a slave sale: "From pliant virgins to learned Greeks, Rufus has slaves for every budget." But then no address is provided, so good luck finding the place.
Antony and eight of his soldiers walk down the street and arrive at the house of the Julii for a little visit. The problem is that eight of Octavian's soldiers are posted outside the front door to prevent Antony's entry. Antony's lieutenant offers to use force. Antony quietly declines (which is good, considering that Octavian's soldiers are wearing armor and his aren't), rubs his forehead, and starts bellowing Julii Cooper's name from the street. Finally, she comes bursting through the door, but the soldiers block her from getting any further than the threshold. She angrily tries to push past until Mark Antony tells her to be cool. He tries to approach, and Octavian's Centurion steps up to block his way. Antony says he just wants to talk. "Don't push me to violence, Centurion," he whispers in the man's ear. The Centurion decides to let them talk, and steps aside. The other soldiers don't, though, so Antony and Julii Cooper have to say their goodbyes with a row of helmeted heads between them. Antony says that he's leaving the day, but that he'll send for her when the time comes, not that anyone knows when that will be. "We must be patient," he concludes. Julii Cooper makes him promise he will send for her, and he does, on his life. He kisses her hand, and she goes back inside. Julii's awfully understanding about the fact that he's essentially leaving her purely to avoid public embarrassment. Which I realize is a perfectly valid motivation for plenty of her actions as well, but I'm surprised she's willing to let her boyfriend do the same.
Back at his place, Antony's packing up his office to leave, a process which seems to involve throwing a lot of parchments into flaming braziers. Packing was easy back then. Even more so because other people are doing it for him while he sits and pouts at his desk. In the midst of this activity. Vorenus marches in and presents himself. Antony's not unhappy to see him (yet) and asks whether Vorenus has found the gold yet. Vorenus says that he knows where it is, and promises that it will be retrieved. More to the point, though, he says he's resigning from the Collegium. Off Antony's blustery irritation, he says that it's a personal matter, and that Pullo won't let Antony down. "I had no doubt that you would not let me down, but here we are," Antony snits. Vorenus emotionally says that he wants to come to Egypt with Antony. Aw, look who has a little crush. Antony angrily comes around his desk to stare down Vorenus. You know, I really don't know how Antony would ever get through a single day of his life if he were somehow deprived of his ability to get into people's personal space. Vorenus is nearly in tears as he says he can't stay in Rome. Because he's such a good guy, Antony relents without asking for an explanation. "I need good men," he admits. "You'll not turn to drink, will you?" Vorenus almost laughs at the very thought, and Antony explains, "You stoic types often do, when disappointed in life." He welcomes Vorenus aboard and dismisses him from the room.
Outside, Vorenus meets up with a waiting Pullo, who asks if Vorenus is even going to come back to the Collegium to say goodbye. Vorenus says that he isn't. He's traveling very light, in that case; he's not even wearing his soldier's tunic, let alone have all his gear on him. Maybe he rented a locker at the Temple of Jupiter or something. Pullo tries to play peacemaker for his friend, but Vorenus interrupts and says that it's best this way. He sadly asks Pullo to take care of the kids, and to tell them that he tried. Oh, well, that's all right, then. By all means, abandon your family after one fight. What are dads for? Vorenus and Pullo share a farewell embrace, a manly kiss-kiss, and then Vorenus walks off and disappears into the crowds of the Forum.
Meanwhile, at the house of the Julii, Octavian appears to have beefed up security. There are more guards outside, plus more inside as well. I'm sure that, within a week, Julii Cooper will have exacted her revenge on Octavian by fucking every last one of them. Inside the house, Octavia is shredding flowers and tossing petals into a pool, until Julii Cooper flits along and suggests that she go find something to do in the kitchen. Or someone, as the case may be. Julii Cooper makes a gentle little crack about Octavia's poor taste in men so that we know it's not just some random Biggus Dickus lurking among the sausages. Trying to contain her excitement so as not to tip off the guards, Octavia heads back to the kitchen. She quickly finds Agrippa waiting there, and kisses him happily. She asks how he got inside. "Your mother could outfox Ulysses," Agrippa says. Wait, Octavia's mother? Julii Cooper? She could outfox Ulysses S. Grant, maybe, if he were in the middle of a three-week bender. And okay, she could outfox Agrippa, but my two-year-old could outfox Agrippa. M. Small would pull his arm up into his sleeve and say, "Gwippa, whewe'd my hand go?" and Agrippa would dash off to organize a search party. Anyway, Octavia starts talking about running away together, maybe to the East, where Octavian couldn't get to them. But Agrippa sadly says that isn't happening: "I would go with you to Hades -- to Britain, even, if we had the right, but we don't." That's probably funnier if you're British. So many things are. Octavia wonders what the hell he's on about; it's Octavian who has no right to keep her prisoner, she says. Agrippa says that Octavian has every right: "He has forgiven me, and he remains my friend. I cannot repay his forgiveness by betraying him a second time." Octavia backs away and asks what Agrippa's doing there, in that case. He says that he's there to say goodbye. Sure, they'll be seeing each other a lot, but from now on they'll behave themselves. Damn, Gripster, whatever happened to "I'd sooner die than cause you pain"? "Coward," Octavia calls him, hands on her hips. She's about to leave him standing there, but pauses to deliver the ultimate jilted-woman parting shot: "By the way, I'm going to have a baby." Agrippa asks who the father is, which is normally kind of a rude question, but Octavia doesn't seem to take offense under the circumstances. "Neither man is worth a brass obal, so what matter?" she says as she walks out. Agrippa's face is like, "Excellent point."
Octavia sits sadly on her bed; soon Julii Cooper sits behind her and starts kissing up her neck and shoulders. Hey, without any men in their lives, they've got to fill the time somehow, right?
Symbolic shot of an eagle on the steps of the empty Forum, swallowing down a rat.
In the plaza outside the Aventine Collegium, a gathering is taking place. And it's not a knitting circle. Civilians flee as crowds of tough-looking armed men enter from the stairs and the street, some of them even carrying standards of the other Collegia. The men of the Aventine, led by Mascius and, if you can believe it, Gaia, step out to meet them. Not-Memmio and Omnipor are among the interlopers, and now Pullo is silently watching their approach as well, at the head of his men (and woman). With all the forces arrayed against him, Pullo looks behind him at the men (and the murderer of his wife and child) backing him up, and then turns to face the intruders without a word. The whole plaza is silent as Memmio arrives and calls Pullo to a parley. They meet in the middle of the plaza, Memmio saying that he's got no problem with Pullo: "It's that madman Vorenus took us to this pass." Yes, putting down Pullo's best friend should certainly win him over quickly. Pullo's wearing armor, but it doesn't look like his old soldier's armor so much as something he picked up at a Hadrian Wal-Mart. He and Memmio stand silently, regarding each other between the two faced-off armies. It goes on forever. Finally, Pullo extends his hand and they clasp wrists. Memmio laughs with a mixture of nervousness and relief. Pullo still hasn't said anything, and now Memmio won't either. Because Pullo suddenly head-butts Memmio, grabs his face, forces his jaws open, and bites out Memmio's tongue. Yikes. Memmio drops to the stones, gagging on his own blood, probably wondering why all the hundreds of people he brought as backup are just standing there watching him get mutilated. Pullo spits out the tongue, picks up the battle-axe Memmio dropped, and hurls it into the front rank of Memmio's men. The blade buries itself in the chest of our buddy Omnipor, who drops to his knees so he can figure out exactly how he's going to go about dying now. And the battle is finally joined. It's a brutal melee, to the point where I don't see how anybody knows whom to kill. Gaia holds her own, eviscerating men with some kind of pole arm. Pullo retrieves Memmio's axe from Omnipor's chest cavity and starts swinging it around, looking like a berserker with his eyes wild and blood still dripping down his chin. And that's how we leave them.
And now we're back to the Alexandria set from "Caesarion" -- or, as the subtitles would have us believe, Alexandria, Egypt. In his orange desert armor with white-plumed helmet, Antony leads his personal detachment, including his heron standard, into the royal compound. He goes straight to the throne room, where he leaves his helmet and his men at the door. Once inside, he sees that there's nobody on the throne but Cleopatra's little boy, Caesarion, playing with some slaves. A female voice from over by the window calls, "Antony." He turns to see the Egyptian queen chilling over by the window, dressed for sex in a transparent dress slit all the way up to her anubis. She walks toward him, backlit by the sun, and he is clearly not unaffected by the spectacle. "Cleopatra," Antony responds, and they stare each other right into the closing credits. It's almost like their names are supposed to go together or something.