Previously: Mindy got jiggy with the leopard print and possibly got it in the pooper for the first time. Later on, Bret learned that a friend-like entity was killed in Iraq. And Jenny was eliminated because it's hard to be properly skanky when a family member has just passed away.
The girls are still in Nashville and with Jenny gone, Ashley notes that it's only a matter of time before the other two lame new girls become history as well. They head to the buses and find Bret Mail telling them that their destination will be Alabama! It reads, "Today you'll be heading down south towards the heart of Dixie. So grab your bags and get ready to hit the road. Love, Bret." Ashley, used to heading south, should feel right at home.
On the bus, Taya tells the others that she got some "kick-ass" news. Turns out she's Penthouse pet of the year. One day, young girls, you can bend puss-forward to the camera and achieve such things, too! Cami, Brittanya, Mindy, and Beverly all look at her in silence, with just the teensiest bit of scorn. Taya has to clarify for them that it's a very big deal. Mindy interviews that Taya is her friend, but she's sick of hearing about the whole Penthouse thing. Taya learned of this kick-ass news yesterday when the owner of the company called her and, in a voice that sounded like he's smoked five cigars a day since he was a fetus, said, "Congratulations sugar tits." Mel Gibson owns Penthouse! Brittanya is also sick of hearing about Penthouse and could frankly give a rat. Taya is sick of the haters. She says, "It's not caring what other people think, it's not appreciating that people are trying to devalue what I've accomplished in my life. That's what pisses me off." I have seen Taya's accomplishments, and I do have to admit that, as far as it's possible to retain some sort of elegance as you hold on to your stripper heel while on all fours to give the camera a better view of your cooter pie, she does a fair job.
The girls pull into the Shady Lawn truck stop where they find people sitting in bleachers and several props including a slip n' slide and hillbilly dunk tank. The girls are about to go down in the annals of history (given that at least Mindy has gone down in the anals of history already) as participants in the first annual Bret Michaels Truck Stop Games! It's the perfect amalgam of Bret's love of women, sport, and touring the country in a gamey bus. There are three teams of three. The Blue Team is Beverly, Kami and Ashley. The Green Team is Jamie, Mindy and Brittanya. And finally the Yellow Team is Kelsey, Farrah and Taya. Kelsey is not happy to be on a team with Taya, who thinks she's better than everyone else and also looks down on Farrah and Mindy for being strippers. Bret has scoured the world for the finest panel of trucker judges he could find. At least one is wearing overalls, and all are wearing trucker hats and cool shades. The team that does the best will get the most awesome date in the world, according to Bret. The girls suit up in denim cutoffs and bras or bra-like tank tops. Let the games begin!
The first event is the Beer Belly Flop. One team member will have to stand atop a hay bale and belly flop into a giant tub of Bret's Brew. And in case you weren't excited enough about this already, VH1 has provided a fun fact to fun things up: The beer tank holds 9404 gallons, or 607 kegs of Bret's Brew. That's precisely the amount of kegs that Ashley consumes in one night! She's going to go at that thing with a straw. Each girl will be judged on the splash that she makes. Jamie is first and gets a cumulative score of 25 points. Beverly is up for her team. Bret notes that she is the perfect choice for her team since she really enjoys her adult beverages. Also, according to Ashley, she's basically a fat man, which should make for an excellent splash. It does, and the Blue Team pulls ahead with a score of 27.5. Kelsey is the last to flop for the Yellow Team. She's ready to pull out all the stops, and so takes off her bra. The judges like this transition to a makeshift wet t-shirt contest and reward Kelsey with 29 points, putting the Yellow Team in the lead! Beverly is pissed, and wishes she had thought to whip out her big guns as well.
The event is the Stripper Pole Gymnastics and once again only one team member can compete. Brittanya, being a go-go dancer and having more sex appeal than Mindy or Jamie, thinks she's the obvious choice to go on the pole. She is spectacularly bad, and no amount of giant boobs can save her. The crowd actually boos her and gives her thumbs down, and each of the judges gives her a 5 out of 10. it's time for the Blue Team to figure out who takes the pole. Ashley seems like a shoe-in, but Kami has apparently been a stripper for 10 years and so wants to do it. Ashley thinks she looks like she's been a stripper for 30 years, and had better not fuck it up. Kami in fact has mad pole skills, and can do an in-air split and land right on her cooch! Even Big John is impressed. Ashley gives her credit where credit is due, then notes that at her age she should know a few tricks. Kami gets an impressive total of 30.5 from the trucker judges, putting the Blue Team in the lead with 58 points.
The Yellow Team is , and Taya says she really wants to win and do the pole event herself. Farrah figures she'll let Taya go and make a fool out of herself. Taya interviews that she's got some skills on a pole, and has been there, done that. And holy shit, she is not kidding! Taya apparently has a secret pair of hands in her cooch that enable her to slide down a pole gently in slow motion. Farrah interviews that Taya got up there and was REALLY comfortable with the stripper pole. She says skeptically, "Wait a minute. You didn't learn that just now. This bitch is a stripper." Beverly actually asks aloud, "Is she a ballerina?" I had a ballerina in a music box when I was a child, and I am certain that she never did any of those moves. Farrah continues to interview that, like Scooby and Shaggy solving a mystery, she's starting to figure this out. Bret also is pretty sure that this isn't Taya's first time working the poles. Taya gets a solid 27 from the trucker judges, but still doesn't beat Kami's score. The Blue Team is in the lead by one point.
The final event is the Dog and Dash Relay, a relay race in which each team will have to fix a hot dog, run through a set of tires, and then slide on belly or buttocks over the slip n' slide, hurtle three fat guys, and give the hot dog to the judges. Mindy gets the dog soggy on the slip n' slide, and the Green Team is pretty much assured last place. Ashley does a fine slide on her knees for the Blue Team, then does a cartwheel just to allow her boobs a little extra jiggle time. The Blue Team takes the lead with a score of 82. This means that the Yellow Team needs a score of 26 points to win. Farrah takes the slide for her team, but doesn't quite have Ashley's grace on her knees. The bun flies off the dog, and Farrah presents the hot dog to the judges low-carb style. Realizing that she's in trouble, Farrah decides to use all her creativity to win the judges over - e.g. show them her boobs. This is surprisingly effective, particularly when she shoves them in the face of the judge with the overalls. He is powerless to her silicone, and the Yellow Team wins! Beverly is once again pissed that mega-boobs swayed the judges and decries the unfairness. That's life on the road, Beavers.
The buses head to Decatur, Alabama. Yet another stop in the life of a glamorous rock star! Bret makes an unexpected visit to the girls' hotel room. He tells them that, during the Truck Stop Games, the judges may have been unduly swayed by sexy boobs. To even things out, he wants to take the Blue Team to the bus to hang out with him. He has made margaritas for them. Kami is excited to get to chill and talk with Bret a bit. The conversation is stimulating, as Bret says he can't fuck with music on. Oh come on. You know that bitch bones to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at least three nights a week. Kami and Ashley both like to do it with the lights on, though not with gynecologist-style lights. Well, let me tell you that nothing gets me more in the mood than feeling like I'm at my annual. Beverly busts in with, "I like it dark." Methinks her days are seriously numbered. Ashley, meanwhile, has had her arms around Bret the whole time they've been talking and interviews that she's going to take over on the bus this time. She says, "Bret wants me, I want Bret, these two girls can watch." It's just another day in the life of Ashley.
Bret asks the ladies how their "for-real jealousy thing" works. Ashley says that if Bret's down with chicks, she's down with chicks. Beverly, however, says hell no. If he's with her, she doesn't want him to be with anyone else. If he's not ready to be in a relationship, he shouldn't be with her, she says. And that's why he isn't. Kami is with Beverly, and says that 1) she doesn't want her man to be with anyone else; 2) she sure as hell doesn't want to watch it. For her part, Ashley would in fact like to watch. Kami interviews that Ashley's the skankiest bitch she's ever met in her life, and is completely disgusting. Yet also redeemably hilarious to a home viewing audience. I can't help it -- I heart Ashley. Bret negotiates the situation by playing Kami, Ashley, and Beverly the new song he wrote. Kami says, "It is so sexy when a guy can sing, and then when it's directed to you it's that much more sexier." I think Bret was eliminated from this equation with the initial "it is so sexy when a guy can sing" caveat. Bret starts making out with Ashley in a really foul manner, and then all three ladies head to his bedroom. Beverly comments on how cool it is that he has a shower in his bedroom as he continues to make out with Ashley. Good times.
thing you know Kami, Beverly and Ashley head back to the hotel room and an upset Kami wants to talk with some of the other girls. She tells them that as soon as they got to Bret's room Ashley whipped off her shorts. I mean, to her credit, they were barely shorts in the first place. Kami is fed up, and can't bear the thought of going after somebody who likes to make out with skanks. Has she seen this show before? The day, Kami goes to talk to Bret on his bus. Bret admits that things got out of hand the night before, and wonders if Kami will be mad at him or at Ashley. Kami then just goes balls out and says that she wants to leave! She says it's maybe the hardest decision she ever had to make. I don't know, I think "pasties with tassels or pasties without tassels" is a pretty tough one, too. Bret says that the night before things got very physical very quickly. Did he really bone Ashley while the other two were still there? Kami says that she knows girls -- skanky, misguided girls, but girls nonetheless -- throw themselves at Bret all the time, and she doesn't think she can handle it. Bret tells her that it's part of his lifestyle and is not going to change. However, he tells Kami that there was an instant connection between the two of them, and that the conversations he's had with her are deeper than those with 90% of the other girls. Bret acknowledges that he really messed up on this one, and he bids her adieu. He could have saved a love this afternoon if he'd known what to say. Instead of making love...well, you know the rest. Kami reports back to the other girls. Ashley, Farrah and Kelsey do a joyful "Get out of here bitch" dance to send her on her way. I guess that's as fitting a goodbye as anyone gets on this show.
Kelsey, Farrah and Taya then head to Birmingham for their date with Bret, which is at a closed-down amusement park! They have the whole place to themselves, which is pretty fun. Knowing Bret as I do, I'm sure he'd rather be doing this at Kennywood. The group first heads to the bumper cars, and Bret exclaims that boobs and hair are flying everywhere. Wouldn't it be awesome if someone bumped his wig right off? The foursome then goes on a roller coaster, and Bret and Taya smooch in their car. Farrah pronounces it lame, as she is wont to do. Then it's time for a ride on the Ferris Wheel. Farrah is first to ride with Bret, and takes this opportunity to tell him what a fake stripper bitch Taya is. Bret says it's very easy to talk to Farrah, and notes that he can see a real person in there underneath the two gallons of silicone. Bret then goes off with Kelsey, and she's excited to prove to him that she has a lot going for her. To wit, she tells him that she is drawn to people based on looks. You start with physical attraction, and then you find out what's inside, and that's when things go wrong. Bret says that Kelsey is young, but wise beyond her years. This wisdom apparently makes him want to make out with her, and so he does. Farrah comes upon them and notes that it looks like Kelsey is kissing her dad, which is kind of weird. Probably not as weird for this crew as one would hope.
Bret drops his three dates off at their bus, and that's when the real fun starts. Farrah wastes little time in asking Taya if she's ever been a stripper. Taya wants to know why Farrah is asking her that. Um, because you skillfully slid down a pole by strength of your vagina alone, you nit. Taya simply says, "Once upon a time." Yes, in the old days before she discovered that you could simply show your goods in print with much less effort. Farrah has heard that Taya called her and Ashley stripper-whores and looks down upon them because of their vocation. She interviews that Taya always acts holier-than-thou, but if you're spreading yourself in Penthouse it's hard to take that holiness seriously. Farrah adds that she doesn't even show her ass. Get out!
They move to arguing about Taya's whole Penthouse thing. Taya says she's proud of it, and that Farrah would be too. Farrah says she wouldn't wear a Penthouse scarf on a show to win somebody's love. Taya says she's wearing it because it's part of who she is and why she's allowed to be here. I'll beat Farrah to the punch by asking, "What the French?" Farrah says she's a stripper but doesn't bring a pole with her all the time, and tells Taya that she thinks she's just there to promote Penthouse. Taya is incensed, even though Farrah is totally right. Then the best thing happens. Things get heated and Kelsey yells that Taya is so fake that she uses her stage name instead of her real name. And her real name is Laurie! I wish it were "Eunice," but Laurie will have to do. Farrah is so excited by this development that she accidentally shows her boobs and requires a giant black censor box. Laurie yells that she's not lying and that Bret knows everything about her, which is why she's still there. Kelsey yells back that any guy in the world knows everything about her, all they have to do is turn to page 32. I have to say, touché! Laurie thinks that they're jealous and Kelsey shrieks, "Laaame! Laaaaaame!" She and Farrah are clearly already wasted, which, trust me, will pay great dividends later.
The ladies head to the Iron Horse Café for Bret's concert. Bret explains that it's an intimate concert called a "fan jam." Does that mean that they gave out a bunch of free tickets on the back of Smuckers bottles? The date bus rolls up to the show, and Farrah and Kelsey are still telling Laurie that she's lame. She says she doesn't give a fuck if they think she's lame and sarcastically tells them to go do another shot. They're all, "Shots!!!!!" They enter the Iron Horse, and Ashley seems well on her way to catching up with them. Big John calls all the ladies together and tells them to be on their best behavior tonight since they're Bret's direct representatives. In response they drink more shots. The ladies are escorted to the VIP area, which is to the stage. Bret comes out and sings one of his shitty songs and suddenly it's bedlam. Kelsey and Farrah climb all over each other, and Kelsey even humps Farrah while doing a push-up. A hump-up? Whatever you want to call it, it's spectacular. The fans lining the VIP area are cracking up. Farrah's boobs fall out at least once that we see. They make out sloppily. They pour beer on each other. Mindy tells us that they were complete embarrassments and she didn't want to be associated with them in any way. This might be because Farrah appears to be wearing acid-washed jeans.
Bret looks over and notices the drunken idiocy and objects, because he's supposed to be the primo drunken idiot. He wonders if Farrah and Kelsey are there to enjoy the show or put on their own show. If I had to choose, I would totally watch the latter. Big John calls Farrah and Kelsey out. Farrah gets to bust out her Big John impression as she recounts what happens, and it's actually pretty good! Big John takes them outside and admonishes them like an assistant principal. He says, "I just specifically asked you guys not to be up there and be fucking slutty." Big John, would you ask a fish not to swim? A bird not to fly? Liza Minelli to spell her name with an "s" and not get looped on Vicodin and fall off the stage? He asks Farrah what he's asked her before, whether she's there for Bret or for some chick. He tells them to take a detention on the bus and think about what they've done. And maybe write, "I heart Bret Michaels because his music is so good and his hair looks totally real" 100 times on the chalkboard.
Kelsey is pissed and starts throwing stuff on the bus. She then runs off like a madwoman. Big John follows her and she screams to get the cameras away from her, then falls down on a speed bump and starts to weep. And then we have a commercial for Flirty Girl Fitness, which, if anyone wants to get me an early birthday present, I think you have to look no further. When we return, Kelsey lays on the speed bump and weeps that she doesn't want to be there and doesn't give a fuck about Bret. Finally someone is making some sense on this show! Kelsey interviews that she totally broke down, and says that she doesn't want to face Bret or the other girls because she's so embarrassed. She adds, "I mean, I've been laying on a speed bump for the last hour bawling my eyes out." I actually think I've done that, so I can't judge. Big John then goes from assistant principal to motivational speaker, telling Kelsey that he's seen what she's done and the progress she's made and the commitment she's put into this. He assures her that it's not all in vain and that she has a good shot. He says, "Listen to me. Wipe your face off, get cleaned up, focus on you. You." He should write a series of self-help books called Wipe Your Face Off: A Skank's Guide to Self-Esteem.
The concert is finally over, and all the girls get on the bus to head to elimination. Ashley, who got completely wasted after Big John focused his attentions on Farrah and Kelsey, crawls on the floor randomly slurring, "Biiiitch!" Farrah goes to talk to Kelsey, who yells at her to get away because she doesn't want to talk to anyone. Jamie wonders if Bret really wants an annoying skank along the lines of Farrah, Kelsey or Ashley. Yes. Yes he does. question. Beverly says that Kelsey is a nice girl, but she's young and not ready to be on the road with a reality TV, er, rock star. The thing we know Ashley is picking through some frozen dinners and screaming, "People who eat basil are lame!" Seriously, my love for her just grows and grows with each passing episode. She's genius. There has been no better 20 seconds of TV in 2009 than Ashley reading the frozen dinner box instructions aloud: "Re...move tray from box. Cut...film." And then dumping the entire frozen dinner on Jamie. Jamie doesn't even know if they'll be able to make it to the elimination in their drunken, frozen stuffed-cabbage eating state.
However, triumph! Farrah, Ashley and Kelsey drunkenly stumble into the theater where elimination is taking place. Ashley's pre-elimination interview is as such: "Listen. I can't even spell elimination. I don't even know where I am. Pffff. [Wander off.] [Wander back.] [Pose.]" Kelsey acknowledges that she drunkenly laid on a speed bump and wept, but gives herself credit for showing up and taking whatever Bret has to say to her. Bret enters and asks the girls if they had an awesome time at the concert. Ashley says she puked, like, a lot. Bret gets right to it and calls Kelsey to him. He tells her that the road probably isn't the place for the two of them to attempt to find love. It's too tough for Kelsey and her speed-bump embracing ways. Kelsey was trying to be who she was not, and Bret has to sometimes make decisions for people, and his decision tonight is that her tour will end here. Everyone appears to be shocked. Ashley whispers to Farrah, "I don't think she has any of my clothes, it's okay." Keep smiling, keep shining, because that's what friends are for. Kelsey exit interviews that Bret apparently can't handle a girl who likes to get drunk and lay on speed bumps. She's going to go home and be single and not think about guys for a while. However, she says, the guy she finds definitely won't be 44. Oh, dis! He also probably won't be a rock star. Or wear a bedraggled wig.
Back at elimination, Bret gives Farrah and Ashley a little talking to about their drunken ways. Ashley interviews that she didn't even know what was going on at elimination, and was just trying to keep herself from puking on Bret. She's decided that she's done being drunk. Oh, that's no fun at all! Where's the joy in watching sober Ashley prepare a frozen dinner? Bret interviews that when Ashley and Farrah get together it's crazy, drunken, insane double trouble. And that's no good. For him. For us it's awesome. He's going to give them another shot, though, because he really likes them. But they're on thin ice that isn't used to handling such copious amounts of silicone. Bret interviews that on the road you can only party so hard until it catches up with you and bites you on the ass. He then adds, "Too bad Chelsea had to learn it the hard way." Wow, he really does develop deep, emotional connections with these girls, doesn't he? He ends with, "Love ya, miss ya, mean it, Kels." The fact that he put the extra effort into getting her name right that last time makes me think maybe he does mean it after all.
week: Florida! The ladies are attacked by a wild pack of kids. And Beverly goes psycho! And maybe so does Farrah!