Previously: The girls realized that every rose has three thorns as Bret invited a trio of new, marginally less skanky ladies to join the tour. He enjoyed all of them, but not as much as he enjoyed Ashley as she became the first official bang-ee of the season. Brittanya earned the distinction of being potentially too dumb for Bret Michaels, but it was Natasha who got the ax.
It is morning in St. Louis, and Beverly says that she is over the Blondetourage. She loudly announces that Ashley, in particular, is going down. Put that in the past tense and you've got it right, Beavers. Ashley interviews, "Why don't you come in here and tell me to my face, beeeyouuuutch." Also, Beverly is so fat and lame that Ashley doesn't even care. That's the best kind of conflict avoidance, right there. Meanwhile, Jennifer lays in bed thinking. One might guess that she's pondering why she finds it necessary to sleep in a layer of pancake makeup so thick and orange that it makes her look like a burn victim in natural light. Instead, she's thinking about her dad who recently passed away. She's wondering if she should have stayed home and honored his memory in a way that doesn't involve trying to bone Bret Michaels. In the end, however, she says she's grateful for the opportunity to live on a bus and take her chances with communicable diseases.
The girls pack it up and head out to the bus where they find a postcard addressed to "My Tasty Ten." Tastes like chicken! But I digress. "Goodbye St. Louis, hello Nashville, Tennessee! I may be rock n' roll, but I've got country in my soul. So get ready to kick up some dust and get down and dirty." Mindy is a native of Tennessee, and excited about the prospect of heading to Nashville. There is a postscript to the note, which says that the girls must split themselves evenly so there are five on each bus. Ashley notes that Brittanya headed over to the blue bus, and adds that if she wants to be lame that's her problem. The pink bus will accept Jamie and Jenny but not Kami, who always has a stupid smirk on her face that is accentuated by brown lip gloss. So much for new girl solidarity, I guess. Kami is just fine being separate from the Blondetourage, as they deplete your brain function when you get within a ten foot radius.
And with that we're in Nashville! The girls hang in a hotel and Big John rolls in a cart full of sneakers. Jenny reads the Bret Mail: "Good morning my talented ten. It's that time of year again to get down and dirty. Mud Bowl III will be the muddiest yet." Oh, yes! Mud Bowl is a highlight for Bret, and also for humanity. The Bret Mail says that the MVP of the game will get an extra special prize. The girls pull up their tube socks and prepare to slide all over each other in a pork-like fashion. Bret announces that it's the muddiest Mud Bowl ever, and thanks the local fire department for the use of their truck. Are they on site just in case Ashley sets her hair on fire again? The fire truck contains something called "love hoses," which the drivers will use to splatter the girls with "love mud." And then the pizza delivery guy shows up and things get really crazy.
Bret, who is wearing a cap bearing the logo of the six-time Super Bowl-champions the Pittsburgh Steelers (woo!), announces that the teams will be configured according to bus. The Sweetheart team is comprised of blue bus members -- Taya, Kami, Beverly, Mindy and Brittanya. The Fallen Angels team features Jenny, Jamie, Farrah, Ashley and Kelsey. The team that wins gets the most awesome fun date, but the MVP gets to go on an ESPECIALLY most awesome fun date. Ms. MVP will go with Bret on his G-4 Lear jet to a sold out show at Billy Bob's (which is in Texas) with bull-riding and rock n' roll. I feel like he's speaking in another language right now. What is clear, however, is that said MVP will get to spend the night with Bret at this Billy Bob's place, and ride his bull all night. Reow! Bret will sing her a crappy song he's just written, mumble a sincere "Happy Valentime's Day," and live out the lyrics to "Talk Dirty to Me." Bret's going to serve as the quarterback for both teams.
The trash talk starts instantly as the Fallen Angels chant, "Blue bus is lame! You ain't got no game!" Nor do they have an alibi. They're ugly, hey, hey, they're ugly. The Fallen Angels win the coin toss and so get the ball first. Brittanya wastes no time in full-on tackling Jamie. Things are going to get rough here, but this doesn't affect Taya who is determined to win even if her team goes home in body bags. That may happen, given that Mindy tackles Kelsey by the neck. No one seems to care, though, except that Kelsey fumbles the ball. Brittanya recovers the ball, and then gets tackled by about four of the Fallen Angels. Bret is quick to recognize the brutality of this particular Mud Bowl, and says that the girls must either really like him or really hate each other. A little from column A, a lot from column B. Either way, though, it's skanks in mud, and who doesn't love that?
Mindy manages to catch a pretty decent pass by Bret, and tells us in her stupid annoying voice how much she wants to win the one-on-one date, and that every play counts. Bret then throws the football to a wide-open Taya. She cannot complete the catch because her boobs get in the way. If only her boobs had hands. That would make her a very in-demand Penthouse Pet, I imagine. So, the ball bounces off of Taya's chest and into Jenny's hands. Bret says that he's seen many things in his time, but nothing as hot as a booberception. , Brittanya runs face-first into Farrah for a tackle. Beverly reminds us that this is a full-on tackle situation with no mercy, and adds a tart, "Suck it up, buttercup." Farrah is not fazed, and in fact takes a moment between plays to apply some lip gloss to Ashley. Ashley tries a new strategy of pulling down the pants of her opponents, which Bret says is working out nicely for both him and the firemen. Big John calls a personal foul for the pantsing, but the damage is already done and Mindy in particular will have to deal with some muddy bits.
Finally Kami catches a pass and gets a touchdown for the Sweethearts. On the play there is a massive tackle, and somewhere in the middle of it all Ashley realizes that she has the ball and runs in for a touchdown. The game is tied! Ashley is certain that she'll be the MVP. Kelsey takes down Brittanya, which she hopes is enough to get Bret to notice her. Try bigger boobs and pantsing. Mindy is apparently playing quite a good game, and Bret says that if she weren't so hot she'd have a shot at the NFL. She makes an excellent catch and scores another touchdown for the Sweethearts. The Fallen Angels try to make it down the field, but even Farrah, who is regulation linebacker size, can't get past the Sweetheart's defense. It's fourth and goal, and Ashley thinks that the Fallen Angels are going to make it happen. She's gunning for MVP given that the last time she spent alone with Bret was [high voice] "amazing." On the final Fallen Angels play, Bret throws a pass to Kelsey. It's right to her, and she drops it. This means that the Sweethearts win! Farrah says that she's so Frenchin' pissed off, and adds that if the competition had been based on hotness, the Fallen Angels would have had it. Kelsey is especially down, given that she's the only girl who hasn't had a date with Bret.
The Sweethearts get their trophy, and Bret has to decide who the MVP will be. On the Sweethearts side, Mindy played like a champ. Ashley was a standout for the Fallen Angels, not only for her skills on the field but for her ability to pull down the mud-caked pants of others. Ashley thinks that she deserves the award, especially given that she has mud in places that she can't even get out with a Q-tip. And she was the one who managed to keep her own pants on. But Bret likes a little variety in his banging and so selects Mindy. She's ecstatic and Ashley is pissed. As Bret and Mindy walk off together, Ashley notes that Mindy has gopher-face. Farrah conjectures that Bret will yawn throughout their date.
When Bret sees Mindy at date-time, however, there is no yawning involved. Mindy takes a sweet approach to the whole thing, and says that when she met Bret on the sidewalk it seemed sort of like a first date with a regular guy. Then they got in a limo and she saw the full heft of his extensions in the overhead light and realized that he's not such a regular guy after all. Mindy's ensemble makes her look 1) like a whore; 2) like she has a bandage around her waist. The hell?
Back at the hotel, Jenny talks to her mom on the phone. She reminds us again that this is horrible timing. She is trying to put her emotions aside, because she wants to be on Rock of Love so badly. But then she starts crying on the phone about how much she misses her dad, and this whole thing suddenly feels so wrong. There are plenty of types of voyeurism on this show that I enjoy, but this is not one of them. Jenny soothes the pain by applying more makeup. She tells Taya that her dad died just last week. Holy crow! However, he was a very motivated person, she says, and she wouldn't want to let him down by not going on a reality show where by default she's considered a total skank. Somewhere the clouds part and a rainbow appears in the sky. Follow it to its end and you will find a pot of crabs.
Meanwhile, Bret and Mindy arrive in Texas and head to Billy Bob's. Billy Bob's is apparently a very big bar. It also has a bull-riding contest and an area where you can sit seductively on a bull carcass and have your picture taken. Hott! Mindy smears a giant corn dog with mustard and talks about how wrong yet delicious it is. This plus sitting on a carcass is pretty much the perfect preparation for having sex with Bret Michaels. Bret introduces Mindy as his girlfriend, which she says felt fantastic. Even though it was obviously lies. Mindy loves the fact that there are girls in the audience who want Bret, and girls back in Nashville who want Bret, but she's the one who gets him.
Back at the hotel, Taya and Brittany know that Mindy must be having so much fun. They're jealous, but each of them says that they'd enjoy the date up until the very end of the night, when they'd get kind of scared. Even the thought of Bret Michaels' penis terrifies these people! It probably wears a tiny bandana/cowboy hat combination and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I can see the logic behind their fright. Kelsey interviews in an especially bubbleheaded manner that she has lots of worry inside her head since she hasn't spent any time with Bret. Kami consoles her by talking about what a great time she had on her date with Bret and how real he was. Wow, what a great friend she is. Kelsey says she doesn't know, but I'm not quite sure what she's referring to.
Back at Billy Bob's, Bret prepares to go on stage. He's eager to see Mindy handle the party, handle the show, handle her rock n' roll, and handle his member. He thinks it will be awesome. Bret takes the stage to lots of applause and sings a song that is both vapid and atonal. This turns Mindy on something fierce. For his part, Bret is ready for a Mindy encore. He gets her in his hotel room and they immediately start sucking face. Mindy explains in an interview that when she and Bret are together they don't need to say a ton of stuff. As gross as their sucking face is, I think it's a blessing for us that we don't have to actually watch a conversation between them. Mindy slips into something more comfortable -- namely, leopard print lingerie from which her boobs continually fall out. Bret doesn't actually say "me likey," but you know he's thinking it. Mindy interviews that it's time for her and Bret to get to know each other a little bit better... alone. For one of the lame-ass brunettes, Mindy sure knows when to bust out the tramp inside!
The morning Mindy returns late, much to the chagrin of the other girls. She knows they will want to grill her, but she's determined not to give away any details. She's all smiles and giggles but, as Kelsey points out, all she can do is talk about how "neat" everything was. And to be honest, she looks rather like a gopher while doing so. Team Ashley all the way! Kelsey says that the date doesn't sound sexy at all, but then we get a flashback to the leopard print makeout session and are reminded that, in fact, Mindy might actually be a threat. Her genius is in couching all the sexy times in really dorky verbage.
Bret is on his bus, and Big John hands him a letter. Turns out a good friend of Bret's has just been killed in Iraq. His friend was married with three children, and also had the time of his life at Bret's show. The friend's wife asked him to autograph a photo for the kids. Bret is very sad, and quite possibly consoles himself by strumming the chords to "Something to Believe In."
Big John then delivers Bret Mail to the girls. It tells them that the other members of the winning football team, minus Mindy, will get to have dinner with Bret. He wants to be mellow with his ladies, and is not particularly in a party mood. He tells them about his friend who was killed, which puts everyone in a somber mood. Bret takes Brittanya outside for some one-on-one time and again says that he feels a disconnect between them. He tries to start up a conversation with her, and she once again has absolutely nothing to say. Bret is ready to give up, but then Brittanya starts sucking face with him. To quote Bret, "Okay, so she's mute. But she is hot. Could be worse." She's like the Helen Keller of skanks.
Bret spends a bit of time with the rest of the girls and tells them about his friend as well. Jennifer can relate, having just lost her dad. She and Bret go outside and Jenny starts pouring her heart out about her dad. She apologizes for crying, and then Bret totally looks at her boobs, calls her Taya, and tells her it's okay. Sensitivo! Jenny is happy that she got to spend time with Bret, even though he doesn't know her name. Bret can tell that Jenny's going through a hard time, and wonders if this is the best place for her to be right now.
With that, it's time for elimination! Farrah thinks that Taya should go home because 1) she's lame; 2) she is wearing a pearl necklace the size of Cincinnati. Seriously, Taya's "elegant" attire rivals Heather's 80's stripper elimination getup for sheer whackness. Bret enters and thanks the girls for being understanding of his saddened state. He then calls Taya first to get her pass! Mindy is SNUBBED and she knows it. Mindy is called , and Bret asks her if she had a good time on their date. She says she had the best time she's ever had in her life. In all fairness, gophers generally lead pretty boring lives. Bret then says that they popped a lot of virgin terrain. Oh, please don't tell me that she let Bret Michaels deflower her. Ashley has similar thoughts, interviewing, "Please tell me at 34 years old she's not still a virgin." Oy vey. I think the answer to this mystery is akin to the classic answer to the famous Newlywed Game question, "Where is the most exotic place you and [Bret Michaels] have made whoopee?" Incidentally, I have my screen paused on the remaining contestants standing and waiting to hear who Bret will call , and I feel it is my duty to point out that Beverly totally looks like a truck driver. Bret calls Kami, followed by truck driver Beverly herself, Jamie, Ashley, and Farrah.
This leaves Jenny, Kelsey and Brittanya. He calls Kelsey to him first, saying that he doesn't want to send her home without getting to know her. He then calls Brittanya to him and asks her if she wants to be there. Brittanya pauses for a moment and then says, "Definitely." Bret gives her a pass and Brittanya is ready to put in all of her effort. Poor Jenny. Bret tells her that she's beautiful, and he doesn't want her to be there and take all the abuse that the girls are going to have to go through when really she needs to be home taking care of her soul. He interviews that he felt she'd be better protected at home with her family. That is actually pretty decent of him. Jenny cries in her exit interviews and says that Bret did what he felt in his heart was right. She's grateful for the experience, if quite sad to leave when other girls are getting to do exciting things such as getting deflowered.
week: the first Truck Stop Games! Ashley gets it on with Bret on the back of the bus and Kami tells everyone about it. And Big John is involved in some sort of exciting altercation with Farrah and Kelsey on the topic of excessive skankitude!
Potes is not afraid to tackle a bitch, either. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.