Welcome back, dicksucker whorebags! And for those dicksucker whorebags who are new, you need to prove your mettle on the pole before you can continue. Hope you've been working on those inner thighs!
We get a voiceover: "Outside this L.A. bachelor pad, 20 babes have gathered because they have two things in common: their love for rock n' roll, and for one man who has made it his life." That sounds familiar. Come on, VH1, write some new copy. Hasn't Bret been humiliated enough? But then...no!!! He apparently hasn't, as he appears on our screen wearing Amy Winehouse levels of eyeliner, a double-wide bandana with a print that looks like what you'd see if you looked at one of his pubes through a microscope and, it must be said, a wig made from Tracy Austin's ponytails. And one side is, like, two inches longer than the other. He also looks awfully...shiny. And puffy. I'm not saying he's had Botox. However, he might have borrowed Nicole Kidman's 2006 face at least for this premiere episode. He wants to find the one girl who can compete with his one true love -- that bitch goddess he calls, "Rock n' roll." VH1 offered to help him with his quest, but things didn't quite turned out as he planned, and he got dumped on national TV. Happily, VH1 asked Bret if he'd like to take another gander at finding his one true lady love. He hopes this time it will be bigger and better. Oh my God, I don't think I can take circus tits bigger than Erin's. I'm still seeing spots from those suckers.
So here, Bret tells us, is where he's at in his life right now. He's 40 years old, he's been engaged but never married, and he also spends nine months of the year on the road. Okay, first of all, I can't stop looking at his lopsided ponytail. Also, he's 44, and will be 45 in March. He's on the road so much that he apparently has never heard of "the internet," so he decided to shave a few years off. Or maybe trying to subtract 1963 from 2008 gave him a headache, so he decided to round down. The woman who is going to be with Bret and accept his lifestyle, he says, has to be very special.
If by "special" Bret means "kind of haggard and skanky with questionable fashion sense and an IQ just below 80 and a 30% chance of having formerly been a man, baby," then he is in luck! A blonde named Megan tells us that she is drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent. Okay, issues. Plus her boobs are saggy. Peyton, who is maybe Rodeo 2.0 except a lot less funny and a whole lot scarier, says that she's not leaving until she gets what she came for. If it's the clap that she wants, she's in luck. And then a girl whose name I first thought was "Tuna," speaks to us in Russian. She wants to fuck Bret first, and then she'll make love to him. Her name is actually "Inna." That's short for "Inna and Outta." Oh, and then there's bisexual Destiney, who apparently took a detour en route to the Tila Tequila show. If she's not getting it from Bret, she's going to find a hot, sexy girl to make out with. This means she'll be spending a lot of time outside of the house.
As Bret drives up to the girls in a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal that Bret won't talk about his boners if I don't mention his wig? Yeah, that won't work. A girl named Daisy, who is porn-pretty, which is to say "gross," says she's nervous. Ambre, who looks like she's 112 to this crowd of young 'uns, says that seeing Bret took her breath away. She probably misplaced her oxygen tank again. Bret, with all the enthusiasm he can muster for someone who is choosing to live a groundhog day of humiliation, says that he was blown away by the beautiful girls, and he felt like a lucky man. Does Bret think we're somehow watching this in Braille? He explains to the women that he would like to leave this season finding someone he could really fall in love with. He's looking for physical attraction, chemistry, connection, funny, smart, sexy. And I mean, now is not the time to talk about parallel lists. Bret wants the whole ball of wax. If he did a couple of ear checks with this crew, I bet he could find it. He suggests that everyone go in the house, get naked, and have an awesome party to facilitate the matchmaking process. He introduces Big John and greets him by saying -- you guessed it -- "Wassagoinon?" The rules are the same as last season -- respect the gear, don't enter Bret's room unless escorted or invited, and keep the puking to a minimum.
Kristy Joe tells us she was nervous that some ladies would get cut right off the bat, since that's what happened last season. Bret explains that he wants all decisions about who stays and goes to be made by him. He then picks four ladies to hang for a minute and sends the rest of the women into the house. Aubrey -- who is so versatile that she can do drag either as Bret or Christina Aguilera -- is relieved. And then someone who looks like Aubrey, but apparently isn't, walks outside and in a French accent exclaims, "I want to have some sex wis Bret in zis pool." I...uh, okay. I just need a minute to let this one digest before I can adequately comment. A superficially normal-seeming girl named Korie runs straight to the bar and pours drinks. And I believe they're drinking the shot commonly referred to as a Blow Job. I'm sure you're as surprised as I am. Back outside, Big John tells the four ladies who were held back -- Daisy, Destiney, Erin and Megan -- that they're Bret's VIPs. They get a special VIP suite with champagne and presents and big posters of a shirtless Bret. More importantly, they'll each get alone time with Bret tonight. They celebrate good times, come on. Aubrey discovers the VIP bitches and is incensed. Something tells me there will be more outrage later in the season about certain Aubrey-related discoveries.
Destiney is the first to get on the pole, with her new specially bought stripper shoes. Don't call her unprepared. The pole is in a little area to itself, unlike its central location of last season. Maybe a producer finally discovered that having that much cooter on the kitchen counter was some sort of health code violation? Oh, and then. The Aubrey lookalike, who's name is Angelique and who apparently has dual citizenship in France and wherever the fuck Charo comes from, takes a turn. She...okay, I'm confused. Angelique is also possibly a man, or perhaps a Chyna-style aberration in the process of natural selection. I, like, would not be at all surprised to run across her on the Discovery Health channel. Her pole antics are so disgusting that they make Aubrey never want to walk into a strip club for the rest of her life. The horror!
It's time for Bret to take the girls' photos. Daisy is ready to unleash her inner sex kitten. And then, holy shit. We meet Catherine who, as one poster on the forums noted, is straight out of the Carrie Nations. I am so taken aback by her that I can neither find it, nor get behind it. I have no idea what the fuck she said. The hell? Tuna sees Bret and declares that she'd tap that. Bret is once again thrilled to get to know the girls through the lens. Jackye smashes her boobs together and flashes her ass, then sucks face with Bret. Jessica gives innocent farmgirl. Roxy is foxy. Catherine wants to make love. Here? No. In L.A. Bret's concerned that the girls might be a little reserved for his taste. Just in time to save the day there's Angelique. She sees the camera as an invitation to show him what she got. And boy, does she have a lot. Of what I can't tell you, but there's no doubt about the quantity. Angelique shares that she got her boobs done twice -- the first time it was too small to her taste -- along with her lips, nose and teeth. All work done by Dr. Nick Riviera, M.D. Angelique is very hotel porn. I don't know, this season is kind of scaring me so far.
Bret, however, loves her, as she is the Lewis and Clark of topless photos. Once she did it, the other girls followed suit. Oh, remember when Heather and her side boob were so novel? Those days of innocence are over. Tuna does a split and somehow manages to, like, grind her butt while in split position. She has talents that I never even imagined existed! Courtney is a little uncomfortable and can only halfheartedly slut it up. Being a little shy is okay, but Bret is disappointed in her lack of self confidence. Since questionable feelings of self-worth are a prerequisite for appearing on this show, I give her a pass. Ashley is self-conscious about her I.B.T.'s. Bret thinks they're hot, but can understand how she might get down in a room of DDs. Missi makes Bret excited, as do Ambre and Niki. So does Aubrey, and Bret makes out with her for, like, a millennium. You know. First there are kisses. Then there are sighs. Megan thinks that kissing Aubrey is like kissing your grandma. Um, Megan, I don't think your grandma really appreciates you telling the world about her penis.
For her part, Megan lays one on Bret. He is mock disgusted by her perfect body. Bret thinks Kristy Joe is one of the finest looking women he's ever seen. Kristy wipes Bret's mouth before she gives him a peck, and says she's germophobic. It makes his boner deflate. Wait till she squirts the Purell up his ass. Bret senses that she's an absolute tiger. Erin encompasses rock n' roll, and even poses with a guitar. Bret's ready to party, and says that these girls need to do something to catch his eye. And now it's time for your Rock of Love pop quiz! Do the girls: a) Do headstands designed to provide maximum vaginal exposure; b) Make out with each other; c) Jump into the pool in only their underwear; d) All of the above. "D" is for "duh." Bret says he wants some lust and like, but really thinks he's ready for love. I'm sorry, but if I were Bret I would be terrified right now. Just bring Heather back and get it over with.
Big John comes out to tell all the girls that Bret is going to meet with his VIPs first, then fraternize with the others. There will be an elimination tonight, so everyone has to be on her game. Niki, who I think actually IS C.C. Deville, thinks the VIPs are bitches. Megan is psyched that Bret wants to talk to her first, and wants to wrap her legs around him and hump him. She tells him she does a lot of modeling, and he is not surprised. Is this, like, Heather Mills "glamour modeling"? Everything in Megan's life is great, and all that's missing is someone to share it with her. That's what Bret is looking for, too! They're both also looking for sloppy drunken makeout sessions. Megan thinks she had a good time. Bret, who needs a minute to let his boner subside, did as well. Megan drunkenly interviews, "I love Bret Michaels. Me n' him 4EVER!" It has to be said that Megan is actually pretty hot.
Destiney has VIP time . She has something very special she made for Bret. It is -- I shit you not -- a Bedazzled bandana. Let me clarify: this bitch took a Bedazzler to a do-rag. Destiney goes on and on about how meeting Bret is a dream come true. She says she's not a psychotic fan. Tough talk from someone who JUST GAVE BRET MICHAELS A BEDAZZLED BANDANA. What does Bret think? "Ah, Destiney, with her sweet cackling laugh. Her hot lips and heaving breasts more than made up for anything that may be slightly annoying. I knew she was the perfect psycho fan to make sweet love to me...or kill me." Oh my God, get the man some new fucking cue cards! In any case, I hope you enjoy Lacey 2.0.
Daisy is . Kissing is really important to her, and Bret does not disappoint. She feels fireworks and is sure there's something there. I just have to ask...what the fuck is wrong with her face? She looks like she's in the witness protection program or something. Daisy tells Bret, who compliments her profusely on how hot she is, that she's a musician, too. She can't believe they're making an instant connection. She's probably actually smelling instant coffee and just got confused.
Meanwhile, Tuna is wasted. However, she's determined to get her time with Bret. She runs from the pool over to the VIP area and jumps on Bret soaking wet. He knows there are good times to be had in the future with Tuna. The final VIP, Erin, finally gets her time. She loves rock stars, and thinks that Bret will love her personality and charisma, and hopefully they'll connect on an artistic level. She seems cool and pretty, and like she actually has her original face. For sure, she is an anomaly in this crowd and doomed for failure. She's also kind of Jes-like, which could go either way. Erin tells Bret that she started playing guitar four months ago, and also learned HTML -- and a lot about world events! -- from MySpace. She's possibly a little dumb, or maybe just young. Bret thinks she's boring, but hot.
With the VIP sessions over, the rest of the girls have one hour to try to charm Bret. There is a lot of face suckage, and some of the other girls actually make puking noises when Angelique has at it. Though the girls are bombarding him, Bret is not overwhelmed -- rock n' roll and bombardment go with each other like cheap wigs and cowboy hats. Roxy drags Bret off and sits on his lap. After a minute, about five girls follow suit. I feel like some new super strain of VD is being formed right before our eyes! As with last year, there is a crowd of girls that are, well, strippers, and a crowd that are more reserved. Ambre thinks she's somewhere in the middle. If she had been named "Amber," it might all be over for her, but the "re" is certainly going to keep her here at least one more week. She leads some of the shyer girls over to try to have their turn with Bret.
Catherine grabs a hold of him. She for sure will be played by Tracy Scoggins in Sick Ducker Bore Hag: The Rock of Love Story 2. Director: David Lynch. She tells Bret that she is 45. FORTY FIVE! Why that's...shudder...BRET'S AGE! Catherine has 16-year-old twin boys, which leads Bret to tell her about his girls, Raine and Jorja. As Catherine is saying that she thinks they're both at the point in their lives where they want to settle down, Angelique interrupts to steal Bret away. For serious, she is like what would have happened if those British separated at birth twins hadn't gotten divorced in time. Bret asks for two seconds, but acknowledges that the fact that Frenchy is so needy of his time really turned him on. If Bret can be turned on by Angelique, he is truly a marvel of manhood. I bow to his vasocongestion. In any case, Bret seems to like Catherine.
Meanwhile, the reserved girls pass judgment on their more aggressive counterparts. Kristy Joe tells us she's not the type of person who's going to go jump at Bret and take her clothes off. That's not her. She does Playboy, but that's different. It's refined. They, like, take pictures of your naked cooter to a mountaintop. Elegance! Meanwhile, Tuna tells Bret that her father was never there and she just wants someone to love her. Well that's healthy. Some other bitches drag Bret off, and Kristy Joe acknowledges that she's got no game.
Inside, Bret talks to Jackye, who has a hot/cool Italian thing going on. Bret likes it. Niki, on the other hand, needs to be more confident and make a connection. Bret isn't sure if she'll last in the house. Bret asks what would take them beyond a one night stand, and Niki says that sex, for her, is everything. That's four red checkers in a row, right there. Meanwhile, Courtney is wasted. Like, possible alcohol-poisoning wasted. She slurrily says that she's fat and ugly. Oh, college, sometimes I don't miss you at all. Ambre really wants to get to Bret, but also feels like she has to take care of a sister. In the general direction of some of the ladies in the hot tub, Courtney halfheartedly slurs, "Yeah, be a hobag be a slut, whatever." I miss Tiffany so much right now, I can't even tell you.
Kristy Joe squirrels Bret away for some one-on-one, or one-on-two, time. He, however, has to take a piss, and excuses himself for a moment. On his way to the loo, he encounters Jackye on the pole. Turns out Jackye is a great pole dancer. She's Zagat rated. Bret decides he can hold it. Meanwhile, Kristy Joe and Missi wait and talk about how horses are pretty. Kristy Joe asks Missi if she barebacks. Missi does not. Big John reminds Bret that he has some ladies waiting. Bret is intrigued by Kristy Joe's cold personality, plus he massively wants to suck her face. Missy gives Bret a kiss goodbye, but Kristy Joe doesn't want to. She says that she's not germophobic, but when all the rest of the bitches are kissing him she's disgusted, even though they all say they've been tested. And, I mean, finally someone with a lick of fucking sense. If I was forced to go on this show, I would do it in a John Travolta-style bubble.
Bret takes a minute with Jessica, who is going to make him get to know her. By sucking his face. On top of Ambre's lap! Ambre can't believe it. With the hour almost up, Bret thiiiiiiinks he met everybody. Or did he? In fact, poor sad little Courtney is passed out on the couch. She wakes up only to ask if she's ugly or if she needs to go home. A mysterious and fairly good looking person named "Sara" helps Courtney to change for elimination, and notes that it's ridiculous to come in and go through all this, then get too drunk to know what the hell is going on. In fact, I think that's the only way I could survive this particular ordeal. Courtney is distressed because, among other things, some girl with Botox is wearing what she's wearing. It happens.
The girls, who have greater math skills than I heretofore gave them credit for, deduce that since there are fifteen beds, five girls are going. The VIPs don't seem particularly nervous, but the others are feeling some jitters. Bret emerges and notices that someone's missing. Big John tells him that Courtney isn't going to make it. It is kind of a sad statement that getting so drunk that you pass out is one of the least humiliating things you can do on this show. Bret gets down to business. He calls Megan first. She says that she and Bret have magical chemistry and were made for each other. Tuna wants to slap the crap out of Megan. She might, too. Daisy, whom Bret calls his sex kitten, is to be called. Then there's Destiney. Things are looking strong for the VIPs! Erin totally thinks she's going to called , but is sadly denied in favor of Aubrey. Then there's Peyton, Nina, Roxy, Korie, Jessica, Sara, and Catherine. It's a victory for '60s hair everywhere! Kristy Joe interviews that she knows Bret's equal opportunity, but Catherine is kind of old. She asks, "Are you...really into that?" Sometimes I hate life. In any case, Kristy Joe is called . Megan is suspicious of Kristy Joe's supposed germophobia, and doesn't think she's really there for Bret. Niki is called , followed by Angelique, who Bret says is "interesting." Interesting in the way that she once had gonads and is completely fucking busted. I mean...holy flaming shitballs. I don't know if I can take this.
One pass left! Bret's heart is pounding. Ambre will be bummed if she doesn't get called. Ashley is sitting back and holding her asscheeks together. Erin will be shocked if she goes home. The last pass goes to the girl who Bret thinks will be his party buddy -- it's Jackye the magnificent pole dancer. Erin is dumbstruck. But then! Bret asks Jackye if she'll stay in the house and rock his world. She says she has something to tell him. Before Bret came out, Jackye says, she wanted to go home. She was scared and nervous, and has really bad anxiety. However, when Bret came out and was all fun and genuine, she decided she wanted to stay. Bret wants to make sure that Jackye really wants to be there, because there are five other, er, beautiful girls there and if Bret sends one of them home only to have Jackye say tomorrow that she wants to leave, he'll feel terrible. Jackye says it would be better for her to go home, and to give another girl a chance. Bret thanks her for her honesty, and she bids adieu. Wise girl. She gets a little verklempt, but doesn't think it's a decision she'll regret. I should say not!
This of course leaves room for one more girl. Ambre says her legs are shaking. Perhaps it's a side effect of having her hair FROSTED? No matter. She gets the pass. She is very excited and feels like she dodged a big silver bullet. Either Ambre has an aversion to straightforward solutions perceived to have extreme effectiveness, has an aversion to giant cans of Coors Lite, or is a werewolf. I don't know, I think I see a fang poking out. The other losers have to go home. Sorry, Ashley! Sorry, Missi! Sorry, Erin! Angelique tells us that when Bret let Erin go, she realized he was looking for more than just a pretty face. That's a good thing, she says, because beauty is only skin deep. Any strike against beauty is a boon for Angelique. Meanwhile, Erin would like to tell Bret that all of America will think he made the wrong decision. I mean, I personally would rather date Erin than, like, 102% of these freaks, but I have a negative ability to actually care. As for Courtney, they're not going to boot her or physically move her out of her bed tonight. Angelique asks if that means one of them can sleep with him. Bret kind of points at her with a mild look of terror in his eyes. When Courtney wakes up, Bret wants someone to tell her that her tour is ended. Maybe they'll at least let her keep her silver barf bucket as a souvenir.
This season on Rock of Love: Roller derby! Pigs! Lacey! Rodeo! Heather! Barfing at the table! Ah, it feels like home.