It's the Rock of Love reunion show! Hosted by Riki Rachtman of Headbangers Ball! What, Nina Blackwood was unavailable? Riki tells us that six months ago (nine months now), Bret Michaels opened his bachelor pad and his heart to twenty beautiful women. But none of them would have him, so he had to settle for a televised romp with twenty skanks. One "lucky" girl was crowned Bret's Rock Of Love. What does that even mean? Tonight, there will be lots of confrontation, and Bret and his lady love will see each other for the first time since filming ended! And let me assure you, it will be good times.
Riki introduces the Rock of Love girls, including the ones we forgot all about. Oh, and Big John! A lot of devil horns are made. And then Riki introduces Bret, who actually has a lot of credits to his name. Twenty-five million records sold, yadda yadda. He is wearing copious amounts of foundation and eyeliner and, leaving nothing to chance, totally has a wig on under his bandana. It has, like, long layers and there are two pieces pulled so they fall over his bandana to frame his face. He's, like, the gayest-looking homeless man I've ever seen. Riki says that this show was one of the highest rated in VH1's history, and Bret is a bigger star now than he ever was. I, er, um, well, cough. Bret says that the girls made the show huge. True that, dicksucker whorebag.
Riki notes that the love story between Bret and Jes wasn't the only one happening in the house. Yes, we get to relive the BFF-ery that transpired between Brandi C. and Kristia. It is a story involving lots of boobs, set, you will be surprised to learn, to the tune of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Can't someone develop a thornless rose, so then we can run up to Bret, wave it in his face and go, "HA! Wrong again." Brandi and Kristia take the stage, and Riki and Bret encourage them to put their boobs together if any deep thinking is required. It was funny when the girls said it, less so now. Kristia tells us that she and Brandi couldn't stand to be apart, and so are now roommates. They also took a road trip and broke down on the border of Utah and Wyoming on a Sunday, and no one would help them. I would think the Mormons couldn't wait to get their hands on these fertile-looking creatures. Brandi C. and Kristia took a video camera on their trip, but apparently didn't know how to use it and so got no footage. Riki talks to them like they're retards. Which, I guess you can't judge him too harshly for that. They're wearing homemade wedding dresses, in case Bret changes his mind and wants to take off for Vegas. They also reveal that they share the same bed a lot, then prattle on with a story that no one is listening to because of the tidbit that's just been revealed. Riki stumbles over his words, and Brandi C. tells him and Bret that if they put their boobs together, they can think better. Ha! Funny again. Bret and Riki pretend like they're going to rub chests, but then don't, because that would be gay or something.
to be featured is Rodeo! Woo hoooo! We relive how she felt Bret in her soul, through the hand, and how she freaked the fuck out about the kid that she abandoned while she went on national TV. Oh, and then Bret gave her his hat when he let her go with dignity. And she still has the hat! It's why children love her, after all. Or it's all about the music. Or she uses it to carry around her L.A. Kids. I don't know. She and Bret hug and then she yells, "Rodeooooo, baby!" Riki asks how hard it was to leave the show in that way, and Rodeo says sometimes you have to put your family first. However, she never gave up on Bret and couldn't shake him ever after she was gone. With a quivering voice, and hooters that are barely contained by the strip of, like, bric-a-brac she's wearing under her suit jacket, she says she fell for Bret on the show, and still feels for him a lot. If it doesn't work out with Jes, Rodeo wants Bret to give her a second chance if he is able to. Bold! Bret reiterates that he let Rodeo go because she needed to spend time with her boy, but he still really likes her a lot and she is an awesome human being. My guess is that that's code for, "No, I don't think I'll be doing that." Bret gets up to hug her, and she clutches onto him like a cat hanging on your sweater and totally gets the crazy eyes. Riki asks Rodeo what she has planned for the future. She's making organic barbeque sauce and clothing. And I mean, of course she is. Riki makes fun of her for plugging sauce after her emotional moment with Bret. Your baby ain't sweet like mine, Riki. Rodeo's got sauce.
up, we have a girl who left with an even bigger bang -- Sam. She and Bret bonded over music, but she just couldn't hang with the skanks in the house. Sam was too sensitive. When Bret let her go, they played slurpy tonsil hockey. Bret tells Riki that he did have feelings for Sam. They hug, and she's, like, three feet taller than him. That added to Bret's turn-me-on factor. Riki says that Sam looked happier when she left than she'd been her whole time on the show. She says that a part of her wanted to stay, because she was developing feelings for Bret. However, it wasn't what she expected. Maybe, she says, it's because she's old-fashioned, but she was expecting a mental connection. Oh, Sam. Looking for mental connections in all the wrong places. She didn't want to find love with a man who was making out with other girls, and didn't think Bret would be sleeping with Lacey or having a threesome with the girls. She realized it was not the place for her, because she would not be able to trust Bret on tour. Alls Bret can say is that Sam gave him a great fuck-you goodbye kiss, and in some sick way, it was an awesome moment between the two of them, because it acknowledged that in another world, things might have been different between them. Yes, in a world where they sell Prozac at the wig store, these two crazy kids might have a chance. Bret is looking super-haggard, despite all the pancake. He gets to go offstage for a few minutes, because a very special guest is coming up.
Riki promises us it's going to get good, and says that whenever voices were raised or women were crying, one thing was certain -- Lacey was probably making it happen. We get a manipulative vindictive dicksucker whorebag montage, and Lacey comes out looking more like Varla Jean Merman than ever. Riki notes that when people talk to him about the show, they have one big question -- what's up with Lacey's dad? HA! Lacey says the big argument that she and Heather had in front of their parents was tough, but it's not like she's out there [pointed look at other girls] DOING PORN. Riki's response? "But you were there DOING BRET!" He gets one point for that. Lacey says that's true, but she's a thirty-one-year-old adult. We cut to a disgusted-looking and collagen-injected Tamara. She still has not figured out how to curl her bangs. And, I mean, she's been trying since 1986. Riki asks if Lacey was there for Bret or to promote herself. She says she felt a bond toward Bret and wanted to be his friend and ally. Lacey gave the other girls a hard time, she says, because she knew they were bad for Bret and would cause trouble in his life. All she did was expose that, and she enjoyed being the catalyst in the house. She says that she had plenty of alone time with Bret, and when he was with her, the other girls were the last thing on his mind.
We then get a Lacey versus Dallas montage, including the time when Dallas quite awesomely wore every dead animal in the house and Rodeo had to hog tie Lacey. Ah, sweet memories. Riki calls Dallas up to the stage. Dallas is for sure a crazy ho, but an awesome one at that. Riki asks if she really dislikes animals, and Dallas says that she doesn't dislike animals, she dislikes Lacey. From the dogpound, Sam gives a whoop, a leglift, and some devil horns. Riki asks if Dallas has any comments for Lacey. Dallas points out that Bret eats meat and wears leather and snakeskin. Lacey admits that she stepped over the line poking Dallas in the forehead. I should say so. It stands as one of the most heinous acts of violence I've ever seen on TV. She puts a friendly hand on Dallas's back, and Dallas says, "Please don't touch me." Oooh, burn. Lacey says she wants to make amends. Dallas thinks that's funny, because she and Lacey bumped into each other three times when the cameras weren't around, and she mentioned no amend-making then. Lacey brings out her "let's make up gift for Dallas," which is a t-shirt that says "Dallas loves Michael Vick." She's so fucking stupid. Lacey notes that Michael Vick is available, and Dallas tells us she doesn't date black men. Neither does Riki. Well, let's get some DNA testing done on Bret and see if that claim still holds true.
Oh, and then it's time to relive the time that Lacey exposed Brandi M. as a non-Bret-lover. Brandi comes up to join Lacey onstage, looking totally cute. Riki says that all his friends totally want to party with Brandi. She laughs. He asks why on earth she would confide in Lacey. Brandi says that as the day went on, she knew she fucked things up for herself. Lacey says that what the girls didn't understand is that they had each other's backs, but she had Bret's back. And his front, if Heather is to be believed. Riki says it seemed like everyone's goal was to be with Bret. He asks Lacey why she thought Bret was on the show. Lacey thinks it was to find love and to pump up his career. Riki says that Lacey is wrong -- Bret is doing just fine career-wise, and he really wanted to find love. I call bullshit on both of those statements, but let's just suspend our disbelief for a few minutes. Lacey says that Bret is smart and wants to keep himself in the public eye, and Brandi interjects to say, "Just like your music video on YouTube that smells like shit." HA! It's true that if there were scratch n' sniff YouTube, "This Thing Called Love" would send aromas of dookie through your screen.
Brandi calls it the most horriblest music ever. I could not describe it better. She mocks Lacey's walk in the video quite well, and Lacey herself does a mockery of Brandi's video, which is apparently called, Dicksuckery: The Blow Job Brandi Story. Yes, Brandi apparently made a porno. She says she was young and stupid. See, I love Brandi. She's just like, "Yeah, whatever, I did porn." Riki asks if there were other things that happened between Bret and Lacey that we didn't see on TV. Brandi says that the reason she took herself out of it at the end was because she heard Lacey fucked him, and that turned her off. Lacey says it's hearsay, and she heard a lot of stuff about a lot of people. Brandi notes that she wasn't the one sneaking into his bedroom every night. She quips, "I don't wanna be with him after he slept witchu." Riki dismisses Brandi, who looks more than ever like a young Kim Zimmer. Oh, and ha! It's time for Lacey to play a song she wrote about her experiences on the show. It's called "Shallow," by Lacey and Nocturne. It goes something like this, "I'm here to finally take the truth out of the shadow / I could care less about any of you all / I swear to God you've never met someone so shallow / I'd go out of the way to leave you feeling small." The other girls look like they got a whiff of the aforementioned smellovision, except for Brandi C., who is rocking out. Anyway, Lacey sucks.
After a commercial break, Lacey's still on the fucking couch. Riki asks the rest of the girls to comment on Lacey. Mia says that one day, Lacey decided she was going to run streaking through the house while everyone else was having a barbeque. Mia wound up with a whole lot of uninvited firecrotch in her face and was forced to throw her strawberry daiquiri on it. She says, "If you're gonna streak, that's your own will, but don't come up to me if it's not well maintained." Oooh, she got the Vanessa Hudgens treatment! Lacey's all, "Who is that, was she on the show?" and Mia says that at least she was able to leave with her dignity. She gets a big round of applause.
Oh, and then it's the story of friends torn apart. Yes, it's time to take a look at Heather and Lacey. The whole montage is from the "Meet the Parents" episode, which is really all you need. Heather, who is rocking some long extensions, comes up on stage to friendly applause. Riki asks her how Lacey rode her coattails. Heather says that Lacey made an alliance with her then turned on her, and that's when she lost it. Riki asks if there's a friendship between them now. Lacey says that she's hurt by the fact that Heather thinks she was riding her coattails. She was attracted to Heather as a friend because she's a strong woman. She does acknowledge that it was wrong of her to go talk to Bret about Heather's relationship with her parents before talking to Heather about it and apologizes. However, she says, the way that Heather retaliated against her was below the belt. Heather apologizes for that, saying that it made her look bad too, and she doesn't really think Lacey is a whore. First of all, it made Heather look awesome, and second of all, she does really think that Lacey is a whore. But whatever, friends again, blah blah blah. They hug, and Riki says they should hug and make out. He's as much of a douche as Bret.
Lacey finally gets the hell off of the stage, and we get to spend more time with Heather. We get a montage of Heather and Bret's connection, and Heather's connection with a tattoo needle, with bonus footage of Jes telling us that this bitch has lost her fucking mind. Riki asks what she was thinking with the tattoo. Heather says that she's gotten a few more since then, and asks if we want to see her newest one. Riki takes off a bandage on the back of her neck to reveal a "sucks" below "Bret." Riki says sarcastically that he's glad to see she's not bitter, and Heather reveals that it's a joke -- a hilarious joke! No one is laughing, but the audience claps for her anyway. Oh, and then Bret comes out! He gives Heather a hug. Riki asks if there was a time on the show when there were feelings between him and Heather. Bret says that there wasn't a time when there WEREN'T feelings between him and Heather. They hit it off from the get-go. Riki asks if Heather still feels "anger feelings" toward Bret. Heather says he hurt her, but she's not angry. And then Bret says that it was kind of a turn-on. If you hurt someone and they're not angry and upset, that's the first sign that they didn't give a crap. Well, how convenient that you've decided to hurt them, then. Bret says his decision was difficult to make and he thinks that he and Heather could have a great friendship AND sexual relationship, but in this show he had to choose. And then I don't know what the fuck the two of them start talking about -- it's all, ha ha, we're hilarious, bitter beer face shoot me the finger, ha. The hell? Riki says that this is proof that this wasn't all for TV -- there was something happening between them on the show, and there's something happening now, and it's genuine. And I actually think that's true.
However! Bret didn't choose Heather. He chose Jes. We watch their awkward and painful journey unfold. Much slurpy kissing is involved. Riki says that everyone has been wondering if Bret and Jes's feelings for each other have been able to endure the six months that they were apart. Bret looks super-nervous, and Heather is wiping away a tear. And then Jes comes out! She gives Bret a friendly hug and then TOTALLY gives him the cheek when he goes to kiss her. Bret sits to Jes on the couch because he wants to be closer. She leans toward the elbow on the other side, as Bret leans toward her. The body language here is really amazing.
Riki asks Jes what it was like to witness what just happened between Bret and Heather. Jes says that she feels for Heather, because Heather wears her heart on her sleeve. That's maybe a downfall, because someone can grab it, take it, run with it, and stomp on it. She's not saying that Bret did that, but he might not have held onto it with enough care. Jes says that the whole Rock of Love situation was a mindfuck for her. When the show was said and done, Bret drove Jes to the hotel and didn't even get out of the car to walk her to her room. Riki stresses that Bret wasn't supposed to have contact with Jes outside of the house, and Bret adds that everyone was freaking out that he even left with her. He thought it was pretty ballsy of him to tell the producers to fuck themselves. Jes tells Bret that if it was real for him, she thinks he made the wrong decision. HO! And I have to admit that when this first aired, I might have jumped off of the couch, pumped my fist, and yelled, "VICTORY IS MINE!" even though that doesn't make any sense. But still: HA! Awesome. Bret is, pardon the pun, flipping his wig. Bret wonders why Jes didn't tell him before that she thought Heather was the one. Maybe you should have been able to figure out who you wanted for your girlfriend yourself, you moron. Jes says that Bret and Heather laugh about things that she doesn't even understand. That's just how I feel. Heather says that she and Bret just look at each other and laugh. Sometimes I look at both of them and laugh, too! Does this mean I'm one with their connection? Jes sees how Heather truly feels, and the bond that they have, and their instant connection. She thinks that Heather was the one.
Riki asks if Bret is surprised by this. He says that part of him is and part of him isn't -- he knew that Heather really loved him, whereas Jes had her infamous guard up. Coming out of a long relationship, Bret admits that there was part of him that might not have been ready to fall in love. Jes thinks he was scared to be with Heather, because with her it was the real thing. Bret agrees, and also says that in some sick way, this is turning him on. Jes and Heather hug, and Jes says to Heather that she doesn't care what America thinks of her -- it's the truth. Bret makes some douchey comment about the two of them making out. Well, it's good to see he isn't taking it too hard.
: Season two!!!!!