This season on Rock Of Love: Partying. Pole dancing. Catfighting. Backstabbing. Ill-advised tattooing. Whorebaggery. And, it must be noted, dicksuckery. The two roses who, er, rose to the top of this pile are Jes and Heather. Neither of them seems to be held there against her will, so it appears that they really and truly want to be the girlfriend of Bret Michaels. Maybe add "dumb bitchery" to the above list.
Okay! Heather and Jes pack for their trip to Cabo. Jes says that Heather's in for a rude awakening, because she is there for the long haul. She wants that man with a bandana wrapped around his naked skull, so Heather needs to watch her back. Heather is more convinced than ever that she's the one for Bret, and her claws are out. There's no way she's letting Jes walk away with him. Bret emerges, and we learn that he's an overpacker. Hey, me too! We apparently have that in common in addition to a host of shared venereal diseases. Bret's loving the two remaining girls, and thinks he has a tough decision ahead.
The girls board a private plane, which I must say is pretty cool, and land in Cabo San Lucas. When they arrive at the hotel, they get quite a greeting, including drinks and four hot sexy girls dancing. Heather points to one of said girls and says, "I'm fucking this one." Bret tells us that Heather practically knocked him over to get to the hot sexy dancing girl, whereas he paid the hot sexy dancing girls no attention because he was paying attention to the girls he was with. He's such a stellar guy to only have eyes for the two of three girls that he has on a date at once. The girl that Bret is paying attention to, however, is paying no attention to him, because she's paying attention to the girl that he's not paying attention to. He calls it a strange moment. Dude, you just lived through the first season of Rock of Love and you're calling THIS a strange moment? Plus, she was just trying to get you hot with a little girl-on-girl action. Don't sweat it, rookie.
Bret heads to his room, and Heather and Jes head to theirs. There are many gifts, including booty shorts, which Heather says are "so me." There is Bret Mail: "Bienvenidos, my lovely ladies. I've had a killer time with the two of you and can't wait to turn up the heat under the Mexican sun. I'll see you both later tonight for an awesome dinner by the pool. Love, Bret." To paraphrase Hillary Clinton, who I think was quoting someone else, you communicate with twenty bitches in poetry. You decide which of the final two you'd like to be your girlfriend in prose. Heather wants to show Bret her many sides, as well as the fact that she's passionately into him and Jes is not. Jes tells us that striking up a confrontation (????) is against her morals, but she has a fight inside of her that wants to be with Bret (????), so if she has to do it, she will. If I took the verbal SATs right now, I'd score a 330, max.
Bret, wearing a crisp white blouse and casual navy blue bandana, meets the girls for dinner. He tries to ease the obvious tension by announcing, "There's bread here!" He takes a bite. Mmm, carby. In good news, no one has called anyone else a cocksucker yet. It is early, though. Bret, with a difficult decision in his near future, has some questions to ask of each girl. And the question he asks Heather? Is whether she's really into other chicks. Apparently, when they're together, they'll laugh and talk about how hot a girl's tits are. Bret wants to know if that's for fun, or if Heather really wants to bring that girl into their relationship. Okay, I don't want to dwell in stereotypes here, but when a woman wears that much hairspray and pastel, it's statistically improbable that she's a big fucking dyke. Jes disagrees, saying that Heather is a big skanky ho who would love to be in an open relationship with other women. Heather, however, says she's not a hater, she's a congratulator. She can acknowledge a girl's hot rack, but she's not saying, "Come fuck me and my man." And seriously, Bret needs to stop being so afraid of the fact that every girl secretly wants to bang other chicks. Er, except for YOUR girlfriend/wife, of course, all you sexy men out there.
Though Bret still is concerned that Heather's just a party girl, she thinks that she and Bret have the whole package, and that she's also at the right point in her life for this relationship. She asks Jes if she's ready for a family lifestyle. Jes says that there's a big difference between a lot of twenty-three-year-olds, and you can't make assumptions just based on age. Bret, however, thinks that Jes is young and not exactly sure if she can fall head over heels in love. Heather asks Bret it he was ready for a family at age twenty-three, and he says he wasn't. He was very ready to don eyeliner, white go-go boots, and a red PVC policeman's hat. But a family? No. Jes's retort to this is as follows: "You're thirty-one years old, and you're still stripping." Eh, I guess that's fair game when you're talking about the family lifestyle.
Heather is sick of it though, and says it's the only card that the other girls have on her. Now that she's met Bret, she's never going back. Ever. Period. Jes interviews that Heather's full of shit. Bret is her only ticket out of dancing, and she'll never get out on her own. Aww, now that seems mean. Bret encourages the girls to take a bite of the delicious food, and he interviews that dating two women is stressful. He tells the girls that they each will get a full one-day date, and then they'll go back to L.A. for the final decision. He leaves, and Heather and Jes stare each other down and swill champagne as he tries to score the number of one or more of the hot sexy dancing chicks.
The morning, Heather and Jes hang out in a cabana, where they are delivered Bret Mail. It says, "Heather: Cabo's hot and so are you / It's time to get dirty, just us two / Jes: See you later, for now just chill / Tomorrow we're hanging and I promise to thrill." Back to the poetry, I guess. Well, at least Bret's comfortable experimenting in many literary genres. Jes is pissed that Heather gets the first date, and doesn't want her to think of it as an advantage. It's only an advantage if you can brag about where his mouth was all night afterwards. Which, stay tuned.
Heather meets up with Bret, who says that she's always talking about the ranch and the open desert and having fun, so he's planned something amazing. And that amazing thing? Dune-buggy rides in the middle of the desert. That sounds so...arid. Bret is confident that it will kick ass. Because of the speed and the sand, they both have to put bandanas over their mouths, which means that Bret is basically a human do-rag right now. As well as other kind of rags, generally. They were having fun, says Bret, until it happened: he started feeling really sick again. From what, you ask? From the dia-BEE-tis. Well, thank God it wasn't the herpis or the syphilles flaring up. The dia-BEE-tis and all the partying has caught up with Bret, and he's not feeling particularly great. He asks if Heather minds if they go eat. Heather looks over at Bret and asks if he's feeling all right, and he again asks if they can eat. Heather's response? "I wanna drive it." Bret, though he's feeling an emotion that is akin to a big bug-eyed look, succumbs and says he's a survivor, and thinks he can do this.
To make matters worse, Heather is a fucking terror behind the dune-buggy wheel, and if the complications from the dia-BEE-tis don't kill him, the ride certainly will. You can tell he's anxious, because every time they hit a big bump he goes, "Ho! Hold on! Oh ho! Okay, there!" like he's Lacey's dad or something. He screams out, "I've gotta eat something." Bret tells us that it scared him when he thought he was going to die, then looked over at Heather, who was not affected by it at all. In all fairness to Heather, I don't know if she fully understands the gravity of the situation. I believe that she thinks he's just hungry, and not that he's, like, going to go into a diabetic coma at any moment or lose a toe or something. Isn't he supposed to always carry a vial of juice or a candy, anyway? The whole situation is very stressful to Bret, and is eating him up inside.
Speaking of eating, they finally make it to lunch, which is set up on one of Cabo's most beautiful beaches. Bret is starting to feel a little better, and not like he's going to go into insulin shock, so he decides to have fun. He and Heather, who is wearing a freaking thong -- but, thank the Lord, a shirt -- dip their feet in the ocean and make out. They return to the hotel, both cracking up. Bret tells Heather that tonight, they'll have dinner. Heather tells us that she has found the man of her dreams. Where? I'd like to see this crazy character! She returns to the room and brags to Jes that she and Bret had the best date ever on the entire planet. Jes just cracks up. And seriously, hats off to Jes for getting through this whole thing. She tells Heather to enjoy tonight, because she's not going to be anything more than a fuck buddy to Bret. Since Heather's bragging pissed her off, Jes doesn't mind fucking with Heather a little.
Heather is impervious, however, and as she leaves the room, she says she's going to have dinner with her future husband. Jes tells her that she might want to retire her dress, because it screams stripper. They talk over each other for a minute before Heather yells that last night, Jes wore a skanky miniskirt to a five-star dinner, whereas Heather wore something classy. I did some fact-checking and rewound, and indeed, Jes is wearing a denim micro mini while Heather is wearing a black dress that actually covers all of her tatters! And no blue eyeshadow, either! Miracles DO happen! She does look like a stripper tonight, though, even if she tries to reclassify the piece of gauze wrapped around her neck as "a cute little sundress." But no matter -- neither Jes's words nor anybody's are going to bring Heather down tonight.
As Heather walks out to meet Bret, he tells her that she might be wearing the sexiest dress ever. And, well, Bret likes strippers. This proves nothing about the dress, though it may be a point in the "Heather and Bret are meant to be" column. They have a romantic dinner in a setting rife with tiki lamps. Bret calls the venue "heaven on earth." Baby, do you know what that's worth? A well-placed shot of insulin, at the very least. Heather asks who Bret's feeling closest to. He says that he bonded with her instantly, on a party level. She adds, "We bonded on different levels," and he says, "Well, go with me." Hmmm. But in any case, no girl in the house bonded more closely with Bret than Heather. However, he's got some issues to address.
Bret feels really close to Heather, but he doesn't want his heart to be broken again. It was the most miserable experience when his heart got trampled on by an exotic dancer before. We know, we know. Though it's been a while now, he can still feel so much pain. WE GOT IT. There are a lot of emotions whipping through his brain, and it's killing him. Well, thank God it's not an actual thought -- that could do even more damage. Bret tells Heather that five or six nights out of the week, he plays a show and gets his yayas out. Wasn't Jim Morrison arrested for that? Heather is a very energetic person, and Bret wonders at what point she will need to go out and do her own thing. And, he adds, what would that thing be? How would she entertain herself? And, I mean, is he fucking kidding? Is there something about being his girlfriend that precludes her from being a productive citizen of humanity? Well, actually, okay, I see his point. Bret thinks it has yet to be seen whether Heather is just a party girl, or if she's ready to leave the sporting life and have a great relationship with him. Basically, Bret is worried that Heather will get bored. And then have sex with chicks. I mean, right?
Heather tells Bret that she's really not like this all the time, and when she's at her house in Vegas, she doesn't do shit half the time. She says she leads a pretty boring life. Bret asks if it's because she gets to get her yayas out. Lord knows we've seen her yayas, and she gets them out plenty. Heather interviews that Bret thinks all dancers are wild on and off the stage, and that's not the case with her. She needs to show Bret that she can lay it on the line. And then, she says it: "I'm in love with you, Bret." If Bret didn't lose a toe before, he's certainly going to now. He asks if she means it for real, and she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Bret says that he doesn't know what to say. It's much easier to handle this type of situation when the girl's face is dripping toilet water. Heather was hoping that Bret would reciprocate, but she admits that when you drop the three words, you never know. With him, you know. Bret is nervous, because when he looked in Heather's eyes, his heart immediately bought it. He wants them to go to his room immediately. Heather is psyched about the sexy alone-time aspect of the evening. Bret's suite is lovely and pimped out. They go on the balcony to look at the ocean. All I see are the pools, but okay. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. As Heather lays on top of him, he tells her she's sexy. The rest is left to our imaginations. If I didn't have herpes before, I certainly do after watching that.
The morning, Bret shows Heather out of his room. He apparently slept in his bandana. Maybe it's actually surgically attached to his head? I think you can find someone to do that in Mexico. He also looks like he has mad morning breath. Heather tells him to have a horrible date. Hee. She thinks it will be impossible for Bret and Jes to have a better date than they did. Yeah -- better than riding in dune buggies? I don't think so! Still in her stripper dress, Heather stumbles over to join Jes at breakfast. Jes asks how her night was, and Heather says, "Amazing. Naked all night...amazing." Well who's the dicksucker whorebag NOW? Jes interviews, "Heather comes sashaying in from her date with Bret last night, and she looks like a hooker in her fucking clothes and her hair's all fucked up and...well, actually, her hair always looks like that, so that's nothing new." HA! Jes is seriously the best. And then -- aaaagah! Heather says that she kind of needs to shower, but doesn't want to take Bret's scent off of her. That makes me feel the way I do when I accidentally touch the inside of my belly button. Ugh. "Can you smell it? Can you smell him on me?" AAAGH, STOP SAYING THAT! I volunteer to go into a diabetic coma if it means I don't have to listen anymore. Jes says that all she smells is rotten pussy. And because it can't be said enough: I fucking love this show. Heather argues that it's not rotten, and says it's beautiful when you love somebody. Jes confirms that Heather needs to shower, badly.
Thankfully, before this conversation goes any further, Jes gets some Bret Mail: "Jes, you've been one hell of a sport / Waiting all day at the resort / Now it's time for us to jet / Hope you're ready for your man, Bret." Jes asks if Heather is jealous. Heather denies it. Jes thinks the only thing Heather has on her is boobs, and she can buy those tomorrow if she wants. Heather interviews that Jes can buy tits, but not wit, so whatever. It is true that Jes could never have come up with "dicksucker whorebag," so I give Heather half a point. Oh wait! But I take that half point back plus five when, as Jes leaves to meet Bret, Heather yells out, "Just remember when you're kissing him where his mouth has been all last night and this morning, so when you kiss him you'll be licking me." We get gross kissing footage and Heather yells, "Sloppy seconds, baby, ow!" Jes tries not to think about it. She greets Bret with a serious kiss, and little clouds of Heather float all around her in a way that is truly amazing. And, get this! Bret and Jes are wearing matching bandanas. WITHOUT EVEN PLANNING! Fate loves playing practical jokes, I think, just so he can hear all of us assholes on earth invoking him.
Bret thinks this is his last chance to get into Jes's heart and soul. Er, among other things. He needs to see if Jes can let down her uterine walls, and let him in. And then it turns out that Bret actually rented a yacht. Hmm, dune buggies versus a yacht. No matter where his mouth has been, I think Heather would be wise to worry. If Bret can't land a girl with a seventy-five-foot...yacht...he's got nothing. Not even a good time. They make out, like, all morning, and I'm starting to get that belly-button feeling again. They have lunch, and Jes thinks she needs to take this opportunity to tell Bret how she feels. She says that the scariest thing for her is the chance of rejection, so she doesn't know what to do. Eventually, says Bret, Jes is going to have to jump. I thought the same thing when I started recapping this show, but have managed to make it to the final episode of the season without doing so. Still seventeen minutes and a reunion special left, though. Bret busts out some metaphor with cliffs and gaps and jumping, but Jes isn't sure if she can do it.
The yacht ride is over. Bret thinks that, while Heather has been very open and honest, Jes is still hiding something. Bret has planned dinner at another resort, and as he waits for Jes, he realizes that something with him and his body is not right. OMG Heather is killing him with her toxic cooter juice!!! Call the CDC!!! Oh, actually it might just be his dia-BEE-tis. And then -- oh, why don't we let Bret narrate. "And all the while the clock is ticking, and Jes is headed in my direction. And it's freaking me out because I'm sick, and I mean really sick. This might be the last dinner I ever spend with her." Jesus, have a Jolly Rancher, you fucking queen. Everything's going to be just fine.
Jes can tell something's up, and Bret acknowledges that he's having a tough go of it with his dia-BEE-tis. He then whips out the needle that gives him whatever medication will save his life if he goes into insulin shock, and tells Jes that she can stick it in his ass. Jes is a little freaked out. She tells Bret that she wants him to tell her if he's not feeling well. Yeah, Billy, don't be a hero. Jes wants to talk to Bret about many things, but she finds that she's very moved when she looks into his eyes and realizes he's unwell. She starts crying at the table and says she's worried sick about him. Oh, Jesus. Bret says he really cares about her and loves being with her, and they smooch. That's when it hit Bret that Jes's guard was down. He should bust out his red dia-BEE-tis pen more often. It makes the women melt. I use the same trick with my Epi-pen -- I walk by the walnuts in the supermarket and then start to act faint and say I'm feeling hivey, and the girls just swoon. Of course, I'm at a disadvantage, since my needle has to be jabbed in my thigh, which isn't nearly as romantic.
They head to Bret's room, and he says, "Just jam that in my ass, you know what to do." C.C. Deville was on the receiving end of those words exactly once, in 1991. And what a magic night it was. Whatever Bret needs, Jes says, she's there. Bret invites Jes to stay in his room. He tells us that they bonded physically and emotionally, and this is what he's been waiting to do with her since day one. I thought he did that thing he'd been waiting to do with her since day one in Vegas. Hmmm. They relieve some of the stress of the evening by going to the nice, hot Jacuzzi. Naked. Aah, the belly-button feeling is back! Now I need some juice. Bret calls it the perfect ending to the perfect day, minus the near insulin shock.
The morning, Bret thanks Jes for being such a good sport, and for being so real. She acknowledges that she cares a lot about him. Bret really likes Jes's innocence -- she means what she says. Er, at the time. As we will soon discover. It was tough for Bret to say goodbye to Jes, and after leaving him, she already misses him. It's so romantic and so disgusting, all at once! Both girls have been sent back to L.A., so Bret has time to think. He has extremely strong feelings for both girls, and knows this is going to be one of the toughest decisions of his life. Tougher than Slash versus C.C.? Didn't think so. Bret stares at the VIP passes of both women. It probably won't help Heather's case that in hers, she looks like she spent five minutes too long in a toaster oven. He suits up for elimination. Brown velvet jacket! Things are getting serious.
Heather gets ready for elimination, too. She says that she's got fuck-me hair, and a lovely pastel dress to compliment the figure/Cabo tan that he hearts. How can he not take her home? She takes a shot of vodka and says in all seriousness, and I quote, "There's no way in hell he can look at me and turn me down. No way." Indeed, her look right now is very "Dicksucker Whorebags On Ice." She does say that if Bret doesn't pick her, they're not going to be friends. Jes, meanwhile, is very emotional. She has made that jump, and she's in midair. Well, at least he didn't use a football metaphor, I guess. Jes didn't think this would be this hard, but it is.
Jes enters the house, which is pimped out with flowers, candles, and a red carpet, and says she's feeling every emotion at once. Primary among those is likely, "Blind panic that Bret will actually pick me and THEN WHAT?" Heather, on the other hand, enters feeling confident and great, and knows she's minutes away from walking away with the man of her dreams. Heather is in love with Big John? It's the fairytale ending we've all dreamed of. Jes can't help but roll her eyes at Heather's bad '80s porn hair. Heather is truly a one of a kind specimen. Her hair should be preserved in formaldehyde and donated to science. The two women do a little bitching at each other before Bret walks into the room.
Bret enters alone, without Big John, because he wants this moment to be the most intimate that he can make it. He has two of the most beautiful women in the world in front of him. Is he dumping Heather and Jes for them? Because that's really mean. Bret tells Heather that she's been like a best friend to him. She started out as his party girl friend, but then totally showed him commitment, love, and friendship. As for Jes, she went from being cold, guarded and distant, and is now warm, close, and ready to jab Bret in the ass on cue. Having Jes there as he was going through a horrific moment meant the world to him. Yeah, he was really on death's door, there. Thank God she was around to learn how to stick a needle in his butt. And then, Bret says that he has something he wants to put out there -- something he's feeling. Let's let him narrate for a moment: "As I was standing up there, it all came to me, because I had not made a decision at that point. And, I didn't want to let either one out of my life. But I have a thought." A thought? That doesn't sound good. And then he speaks the words that shook the world of reality TV dating forever: "Is there any way...both of you would be my girlfriend?" It's, like, so retarded that you know he thought he was fucking Marilyn vos Savant for a minute when he came up with that cockamamie scheme.
The most appropriate reaction, of course, would be to kick him in the balls and steal his bandana, but the girls actually have patience enough to respond. Heather, ever the dicksucker whorebag that she accuses others of being, says, "I would love to." She's so determined to be with Bret, she says, that she will do anything and everything to show him how much he means to her. Meanwhile, he probably just thinks she's been angling for a threesome with Jes all along. Nice. Jes, for her part, takes a loooong look at Heather and says, "I can't share somebody that I care about. It's not in me. If you're mine, you're mine, and that's it." And then, it's time for Deep Thoughts With Bret Michaels: "You know, you come to crossroads in your life, and I realized at that very moment...that's what I need. That's what this show is about." I thought this show was about promoting his crappy solo songs and exposing the depths of self-humiliation that are possible within the human race? Well, no matter. After Jes speaks, Bret says, with his usual clarity, "I am looking for someone in my life, uh, into every part of my life, I want to give them every bit of that is me, and I want them to be every part of what I am, as I am every part of what...they are." What the fuck is he even talking about? When the Rock of Love quote a day calendar comes out, it's going to be awesome, though.
Bret calls Heather to him. Although she's been a great friend and he doesn't want to lose her, he doesn't think she's going to be "That Girl." Well, she has no kicky flip! Heather looks like she wants to put a hex on him, and stomps out. Bret feels awful about it, but says Jes was the right decision for him. What are Heather's thoughts on all of this, you might wonder? Let's let her tell you herself, direct from her limo. Without a single tear, she deadpans, "I opened up my heart and he fucking took advantage of me, and that's an asshole for you. I let my guard down for once in my entire life, and he took advantage of it. I don't want anything that has to do with that fucking liar phony fucking piece of shit disrespectful asshole motherfucker. He's, like, America's asshole right now for doing this to me." The plaintiff rests, your honor.
Meanwhile, Jes is SHITTING HERSELF. She voices over something about how Bret makes her feel giddy and happy and she's crazy about him, but there is utter panic in her voice. She walks to Bret and he holds her, saying, "You know, the other night, I was having a really tough time with my dia-BEE-tis and you were there for me, and that meant everything to me. Because in the end, that's what it is." I'm sorry to be slow, but...what is it? And, like, hire a fucking nurse. Anyway, Bret is excited because he got someone who's cool, hot, smart, and funny, and she finally let her guard down. This was Bret's rock of love. As the final strains of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" play, we turn to Heather for the last word: "Now I have a fucking tattoo of this fucking loser's name on the back of my fucking neck. Fuck that." In the bonus footage that runs over the credits, she also calls him a fake motherfucker two-faced pansy bitch who can't fucking grab his own balls and tell somebody how he feels, because he has no game. She is sure that America will see that he's the biggest asshole after all this. Oh, girl, we've been with you since the beginning of time. Keep on rocking, dicksucker whorebag, and we'll see you at the reunion show!