At the beginning of this incarnation of the reality TV craze, started in the main by The Real World, there was Eric Nies. He was the only one who managed to break out and keep a bit of the fame he gained by having his life taped. Fast-forward to eleven years later. There are probably 100 times more hours of reality TV programming per week than back then, a number that has been steadily increasing over the last four years, at least. And from that, who really has managed to break out? There was Puck. He went nowhere. There was Rich. He went to court and made a few appearances. That other Survivor girl did a few commercials and appeared in The Animal. Mandy from Temptation Island worked for MTV for a short while. A very short while. Shannon from that same show did a gig on Miss Teen Universe or some shit. Uh, the Big Brother people. Where are they? The Mole? Road Rules? Boot Camp? Where is O-Town? Where will Justin and Kelly and the American Idol people be in a few years? Where will Paula Abdul and Simon be, come to think of it? Where is Mark L. Walberg now? ["It's called Russian Roulette, but sadly it's not the kind where he's in real mortal danger." -- Wing Chun] Where will Joe Rogan be when people tire of watching guys eat cow dick on screen?
Yesterday I went to the Warhol exhibit at the Modern here in L.A. They had the fifteen minutes quote, and I realized, the quote was actually that everyone will be "world-famous." These people aren't even that! The quote was outside of an exhibit of Warhol's "screen tests," where he put a 16mm camera on people and ran it for two minutes or so, telling the people just to stare in the camera, with the hopes that their real personalities would come out. And watching it, you could see, it was the direct precursor to The Confessional. And really, about as interesting. Perhaps the random people who dropped by The Factory and took part, didn't assume they were going to be famous afterward, and similarly, perhaps most of the people who sign up for reality shows don't expect to be famous either. But a surprising number still reveal, once the show is over, that they've since "moved to Los Angeles to pursue acting." And then we see them on "Where Are They Now?" clips or reunion shows, discussing how difficult it has been -- and you can read the shock on their faces that their season on The Real World hasn't led casting directors to fall all over themselves to cast them.
So save yourself some time now, people. Just look at the numbers. Less than one percent (arguably zero, not even one!) of the former reality-show cast members have achieved any sort of lasting fame. Why? Because it doesn't take any talent to be on a show. It just takes personality -- and sometimes that means an "annoying" or "grating" personality. It does not, however, mean that you are good at anything -- acting, or singing, or dancing. It just means that you're good at being you. So go on these shows, but just do not write or talk or complain later about how you thought it would be easier to make it in the business. Because you have now been officially warned.
Okay. "Previously..." The kids get their American Eagle clothing for winning the naked mission. Sarah snots all over the camera, saying she feels great that they've won yet another mission. Kendal camera-talks, as we see shots of the kids' few triumphant moments, about how they now have three-thousand dollars and clothes and surf boards. She sadly refers to it as a "ridiculous amount of prizes." Poor girl has obviously never seen a Showcase Showdown.
Opening credits. Keep your eyes straight ahead and your ears plugged, and most importantly, keep walking. It'll be behind us soon enough.
Eminem plays as the RV drives (get it: "two trailer-park girls"?) and Kendal says they got their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue and they're going to Lubbock, Texas. Kendal and Eric talk in the RV, totally staged, about how good it feels to win. Eric says that it's a cool prize, adding, "...I guess." Kendal says she's going to trade "it" in for college money. Their last prize was money, so obviously this is out of order. It's funny, though, that they're talking about giving away either their surf shit or the clothes, because really, who wants either? (Unless you're swept away by the magic that is the crapfest Blue Crush.) Kendal camera-whores that she could have six grand at the end of this, and that she needs it for college. She continues, unleashing this wonderful cause-effect relationship between the terrorists and her suddenly not having college money. Yes, Kendal. Their original target was actually the bank where your college fund is, but somehow they got lost and end up in New York. Lovely. Kendal tells Eric she's going to community college. C'mon. How much do you really need for community college? Ten bucks and a bus pass? Eric then defends Kendal, saying that if he weren't a rich-ass white boy, or if the terrorists had flown a plane into his big pile of money, he'd be "devastated." So would we all, because a mind like Eric's is not one that should be wasted. He adds that the prize money (which they'd get to keep by booting Sarah, which is what this is all leading up to, obviously) could help put Kendal back in "university or a junior college." Eric, she said "community college." You can't make your white-trash yak-coat-wearing historically-slutty RV-girlfriend seem smarter than she is. We're not going to buy it.
RV. Night. Their two Mayors bust into their RV. Man, if you walk uninvited into a man's trailer home in Texas, you getting your ass shot. These guys -- Whitney and Fernando -- are lucky. They're from Texas Tech University, and their trespassing asses read clunky lines about showing up on campus tomorrow morning for surfing, wearing swimsuits. Afterwards, Sarah says they're doing something related to surfing tomorrow; they just don't know what. Good job, Sarah. As she talks, she rubs her hand all over her nose, releasing a gigantic dollop of snot she then flings onto Darrell's cornrows when he's not looking. (Seriously, though. I would have kicked Sarah's sick, snotty-ass out of the RV weeks ago. Or else I'd fashion myself a protective suit out of Vitamin C and Echinacea.)
Morning. Tech Texas. They're advertising Britney Spears in concert. In Lubbock? Okay. Whatever works. The kids pull up to see life-sized cut-outs of the kids standing in a parking lot. Then Darrell says, "Here comes our van, yo." It's a beat blue Mystery Machine-looking thang with a huge net on top and a surfboard in the middle. The kids chatter and say they're confused. Mayor Fernando explains that they will be car-surfing. They'll get into pairs and then one person will drive the van through the "course" (around the parking lot, through the big photos) while the other "surfs" on top of the van. He adds that their goal is to get 120 mph cumulative, meaning that each person will have to average 20 mph. Sarah is freaking, already knowing she's going to fuck up royally. If one person only gets 15, someone else will have to get 25 to keep their average up. They go on that it seems easy, but it's not -- it's a stick transmission and it's on a "tree," meaning the shifter is up on the drive shaft. Shane stands by his photo, saying he can't really drive stick. (Yeah, right. Shane has driven stick lots of times.) Sarah -- and we just see her photo as she talks -- also says she can't drive stick. (I also don't believe her one bit.) Their prize sucks -- it's a Playstation 2. The mayor has to point out that it also "doubles as a DVD player" to try to make them think they're winning more than just one donated two-hundred-dollar toy. The kids jump up and down at gunpoint, pretending to be excited. Rachel says that they will keep their prizes.
The GirlMayor reads the "official rules." There are two: they have to go in teams of two, and the speed they were at before they fall is their official speed. They'll have an hour total to practice, but only driving; no one can be on top. Shane and Sarah -- those-most-likely-to-be-booted -- are paired up. Eric and Rachel. Darrell and Kendal. Montage Of Practicing. Sarah stands on the surf board on the ground. Kendal. Shane drives. Rachel drives. Kendal drives. Sarah, in her bikini, climbs behind the wheel, saying, "This sucks." No, honey, you got the quote wrong. It's "Sarah sucks." Remember? Suddenly, we see there is a Creepy Driving Instructor lurking in the back of the Buffalo Bill couch van, "helping" out. Creepy Guy tries to teach Sarah how to drive a stick. She stalls out right away. I hope the van breaks down. That shit would be funny. Sarah goes way too fast through the course and skids, knocking over the Rachel standee. Hee. "We're screwed," Sarah says. True dat. Commercials.
MTV brings us back with a pointless warning not to try this at home. Damn, and I was about to strap a serving tray onto my Honda. The Creepy Driving guy keeps touching Sarah as she's laughing. Shane then comes over and gives her advice. She ignores him. Darrell comes to the other window and gives advice. She ignores him, too. Darrell keeps yelling about not hitting the gas too hard, and she stops and tells him to stop. He tries to speak more calmly, but then just walks away. Man, she's doomed. Rachel then hulks over and tells Sarah to calm down and ignore the pressure. Rachel then tells us that Sarah doesn't deal well with pressure, and that she wants to give her a chance. "She's not that bad," Rachel says. Hee. Nice compliment, man-o. Darrell sulks on a curb, and then tells us that it's going to be a long day.
Go time. Four students line up to watch. An ambulance stands by. Hee. Yeah, now it feels really dangerous. Shane is on the van getting strapped in. Sarah eats her fingers down to the palm, telling us that she's glad she's going first: "This way, if I suck really badly, everybody else can know this ahead of time." First of all, "if"? Also, it's a nice sentiment, but everybody already knows this ahead of time. Way ahead of time. Okay, so she starts out. Shane has a helmet-cam so we can watch his face about to fall. I think the kids are strapped so that they can't fall back or forward, but only side to side, into the nets. I think this would be a fun mission. When I was still living in New York, I would have kicked ass, because this is what you do on the subway all day if you don't hold on. Sarah guns the gas after a few turns and then Shane falls. 18. She missed by two, but everyone is so fucking impressed Sarah didn't crash the van into the crowd of students, killing seven, that they treat her like she's the big winner.
Now it's Sarah's turn to surf. Shane doesn't want to let Sarah down driving because he knows they'll have to boot someone if they fail. "Speed up!" everyone is yelling. Helmet-cam shows Sarah going, "Fuck. Fuck." Someone yells for Shane to stop as Sarah falls into the net, her legs hanging down. Hee. Shane says, "Sorry, guys." Sarah is okay. Shane thinks he fucked up. They only got 15mph. Now they have seven to make up. I bet they were going faster than 15 because Sarah's nipples are at least at a 21 or 22 through her bikini top. Oh well. What do I know?
Shane runs us through the math, as Sarah stands by, mentally packing her bags. Now Kendal drives. She tells us that they're each gunning for 22mph to make up some of the slack. Darrell looks more Humpty-Hump than ever through the helmet-cam. He falls. They get 23mph. Everyone cheers.
Darrell, now sitting in the driver's seat, blabs about turning and clutching and then throwing that bitch forward. Uh, just drive the damn van, dude. Kendal surfs, staying really low. Too low. She eventually has to touch with her hands. Darrell says he couldn't do something, and that he's sorry.
Mayor explains that they're three behind their average, and then says they each need to get 22mph. Rachel drives, telling us she doesn't want to jinx anything, so she needs to stay positive and hope for the best. Eric tells her to just fly after the second cone and not worry about him. "Go faster!" they yell. Eric falls. 22mph. Rachel is psyched, saying they only have one to make up. Aw, see that. You just jinxed it, right there.
Eric drives. He camera-tools that they have a "big driver" and "big surfer" and that his all-American cork-ass is shooting for 25. He drives. Rachel surfs. The crowd of four cheer. "Go! Go!" people yell. Rachel falls. She pumps her fist in victory. Then they see they only got 19. Hee. Hee. Hee. Sarah sees, and puts her face in her hand. "No. No," she says. Eric and Rachel try to claim they were going faster, but Mayor Fernando comes over and says that the official speed was 19mph and they failed and no PS2s and sorry. Oh, also, now they have to go back to the RV and read their further instructions. "Now get the fuck off my campus!"
RV. Computer. They read. They have two votes to make. The first is to boot or give back the prizes. The second is who to boot. If they don't reach a majority on either, they lose all their prizes and a random person will be booted. It's fitting that they have Sarah reading this. The booted will get no prizes. They now have three hours to decide.
Sarah camera-snots, saying that last time they did her a "favor" by not voting her off, she guesses. She thinks she's an easy target and she feels like crap. Sarah chews her thumb off. Commercials.
Back. Day. RV. Sarah now works on the other thumb, but it's proving a little tougher to get through. Outside, Shane sits squatting on the curb. Dude, there's a bathroom inside the RV. He's smoking and then camera-whining that before the five of them were winning the missions because Sarah totally fucked up, but this one they gave it their all and how do you justify the boot? Hee -- now he starts crying, talking about how being on Road Rules is so great and you don't want to end it for anyone. (Really, guy, it's not all that great. C'mon. For real.) Suddenly, Shane gets the look of love and we pan over to see Eric, shirtless, crouch down to Shane and announce that he thinks there will be "a vote to vote." He then notices Shane is tearing up and he asks, "You all right, dog?" Shane just shakes his head and Eric lovingly cups the back of Shane's neck and keeps saying "dog" and "you all right?" and "dog" and then finally, when Eric reaches in for a full embrace, Shane can't take it anymore and his face breaks and he goes full-on Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club with the "Fuck you!" scene, as Shane scrambles away from Eric, crying, and bails, leaving Eric crouching in the curb, alone. Eric grabs Shane and convinces his weepy ass to come take a "walk" with him. Yeah, I know what "walk" means in your lingo. Eric then starts camera-talking lyrics from the gay love song from Rent, saying that it's all right to cry and it's his job to "comfort" Shane. It's very touching. Shane and the shirtless Eric walk off, holding each other.
Now Eric is walking with Darrell, explaining that it's going to be toughest on Kendal because when the stock market crashed, her college money went with it. Darrell just goes, "Uh huh," totally looking like: "What's the stock market?" and also "I need a cheeseburger." Eric says that if he suddenly had no money for college, he'd be bummed, and Darrell suddenly starts listening and says, "Oh, so that's what happened to her, huh?" Eric now camera-talks about how this is college money and also surfboards that people have worked hard for and he's not going to take it away from anyone. As Darrell and Eric walk into a café, Darrell camera-talks, "I like prizes." Hee. He says it's hard to let the stuff go, and you can call him greedy, but it's just business, it's not personal. That's actually a good point. Ding ding ding! One for Darrell. (One, all year.)
In the ultra-authentic German strip mall joint called "Coffee Haus," the kids gather. Kendal sits at the counter making a pros-and-cons list of keeping the prizes or keeping Sarah. Meanwhile, Shane watches Eric and Darrell play chess. Kendal says that she thinks it's disrespectful for the guys to be playing chess while they should be agonizing and thinking. Oh, shut up. They know what they want to do. Why should they sit and write a stupid list while they could be driving themselves crazy with the annoying game that is chess?
Rachel takes Sarah out of the Coffee Haus to talk to her. They walk, Rachel saying that "social-wise" (hee) she'd vote off Shane, but "mission-wise," Sarah blows. Sarah agrees that she'd vote herself off, too, but she's not there for the prizes. (Ooh, good dig.) Rachel says she hates it and she knew this stupid vote would come down to something like this; it's her worst fear. Sarah says that she thinks her vote doesn't matter because everyone is against her. Yes. You are right. Rachel lies that she's still thinking and reevaluating. Now Sarah pulls out her theatre dreams and talks about how this is one of the hardest decisions anyone could possibly make, getting all Tennessee Williams on us. Oh, shut up. No, it's not. God, these kids are all weeping and moping and making lists and playing chess over booting someone a little early from a terrible, no-ratings reality show. Who gives a crap? Maybe this is such a big deal because Sarah's parents hate her and everyone knows she'd be going back to that? I don't know. Sarah goes on that she's finally becoming friends with these people and it's "piss-poor" timing. Nope, it works for me, the timing. It works just fine.
RV. Night. Rachel tells the boys that when she's alone with her she doesn't want to vote Sarah off (rowr!); she doesn't feel like she should have any right to end someone's trip, and that they're not above Sarah. Shane brings up the point that if they don't choose, then a random person is booted and they lose their shit.
God. Kendal and Sarah now take a walk. Kendal says that it's a fucked up situation. She says she's been going back and forth, but she wants her to know it's hard. Sarah looks at her like, "Yeah, really tough for you, Coaty."
RV. Rachel is saying, "What's more important to me?" Then she stops, saying she doesn't know what's important. Hee.
Now everyone sits around on the floor of the RV where they can see everyone. Eric starts it off, voting to boot. Darrell votes to boot. Shane too. Sarah votes not to vote. (Surprise!) Rachel wavers. Kendal says she'll go...and then pulls out notes. Hee. She reads, saying that she thinks people are more important than material and the Citadel taught her that they are a team and they fail or win as a team and they shouldn't punish one person because of it. (Oh, Christ, you're not voting to kill Sarah. Just to vote her off the stupid show. For the love of B/M!) Kendal says it's hard because she thinks about college, but later after she has her degree, she thinks she would feel "sick" about how she got the money for college. Heeeeeee. Yeah, years later, you'd feel awful that you kicked Sarah off, it would haunt your dreams forever. You won't even remember Sarah. Sarah now snots to us that Kendal is on her side in this and she made out a list and said it perfectly. Rachel now says that Sarah didn't give it her all a lot of times but...she's going to vote not to boot. The Crack B/M Editing Squad we all know and bleh uses this Blair Witch noise to make it seem all dramatic and Sarah's head snaps up when Rachel makes her announcement. Hee. How lame.
Now Eric tool-overs that right now all the girls want to keep Sarah and the guys want to boot, and if no one changes their mind. (Dum dum dum!!!) A random person will be booted, and all prizes will be lost.
"To be continued..."
...Eric votes to boot, again. Kendal tells us that Eric obviously hates her because he re-voted so quickly and didn't even listen to her beautiful list. Sarah cries that it would be easier just to boot her so they won't have to deal with the same problems...but maybe they would -- she curses them -- maybe they'd get someone exactly like her. Rachel says she's not losing a random cast member and she's not losing all the prizes. She shakes her head at us like we care, like she can scare us into voting. Sadly, we do not get a vote. Happily, the episode is over. See ya!