This has nothing to do with the show except that it's on the same network, but if you haven't seen the new Weezer video for "Gone Fishin'" yet, you must see it. It might be the best video I've ever seen. Marcos Siega, who is one of the better video-director staples, came up with the idea which has Weezer appearing on The Muppet Show and Miss Piggy kidnapping Pat. Animal has to fill in on drums and Kermit and Gonzo sing backup while Pat escapes. The song is one of the best on the new album and then it ends with Statler and Waldorf, and if it doesn't put a smile on your face, you have a cold dead heart and should immediately kill yourself, or become a case manager for an HMO.
"Previously..." At the Citadel, Darrell got yelled at and then bragged to us that he was thinking which cadet to beat up. Then we see what we never got to, which looks like the injured Sarah getting hazed and yelled at by cadets for letting down her team. Awesome. Sarah almost cried as Rachel told us that Sarah is the weak link. Then we get where Shane dissed Rachel's stomach muscles and then Rachel lied to us that Shane is just as close to being kicked off. Step routine. Sarah said that it's her turn to shine, and then eats the camera. Shane didn't want to be kicked off. Outkast whored themselves like no rap group since the Black Eyed Peas made a commercial for Dr. Pepper (and Meth and Redman shilled for some deodorant and...well, City High) by announcing Road Rules's bullcrap win in the step competition.
Titles. Credits. Awful song. The caption people mishear "Dump all your cash, we'll take care of the rest," as "Board the camper, we'll take care of the rest." Hee. Anyway, worst song. Worst song. End.
RV. Driving. Eric is asleep. Shane and Rachel fuck around, putting an open condom (not used, I pray) on Eric's face. Rachel and Shane laugh. Kendal says they're all getting along. Darrell camera-talks that he's having "fun." We see him and Shane laughing and then Darrell goes, "I'm going to make the best of whatever I'm with." Oh my God, people. He can't even refer to Shane as a person. Not "whoever" but "whatever." Aw, but then again, after reading his 'blog, I think he might just not know the difference.
The kids drive into Alabama. Rachel asks Sarah -- who has a mouthful of food -- how two parents who are both doctors could shun their kid like Sarah's folks did. Sarah explains that they were trying to prove a point. She says she was a really good kid in high school, but then when she came back from college, she started hanging out with some band all night. They all agree that her parents giving her the divorce was extreme. Rachel camera-talks that she can feel bad for Sarah and relate, but she wishes Sarah would not be such a douche when it came time for the missions.
Sarah goes on with her sob story about how they waited up one night and said, "This just isn't working for us anymore." You have to feel a little sorry for Sarah here, and it seems everyone does. Except her parents, I'm sure. Sarah now camera-blehs that, for the first week, she felt very alone, but now the dynamic is great and then she delusionally says she's not the most likely to be booted. Hee. Right. And Mystikal didn't rape anyone.
More driving. Driving. Crap music. Night. RV park. Darrell shills for the man by telling us that they got a clue -- a " DIRECT CONNECT from NEXTEL." The kids gather around as the fake person says they're going to 'Bama early the morning, and they have to have good "balance." The kids try to figure out what their mission is from the clues, hurting their brains, while Kendal camera-talks that they have to pass this mission and they don't want to leave anyone behind. Even though they will.
Later. The kids make crank calls to people Shane hates from his dorm. They're all drunk. Darrell takes the phone and starts riffing. The captioners have no idea what he's saying, so they just type "...". Hee. It's the worst crank call ever because he's like, "Who am I calling? Oh, yeah, where's that female...Kate! Kate, yeah, that's it." Now Darrell says, "It's Shane. Sugar Shane," and Shane says Darrell's not supposed to say Shane's name. Man, the worst. Even Marlee Matlin could tell the difference between Shane's and Darrell's voices. So then Shane reaches over and bats Darrell in the head, kinda hard. "C'mon, dog," says Darrell and it would be okay, but B/M pipes in the dramatic music and Shane hangs his head and everyone gets very Daddy's Drunk And Angry And What's Going To Happen? Shane camera-talks that he feels like an idiot, and suddenly the fun is over as we see Darrell getting more and more pissed. Now, I'll say this: it's stupid of Shane to hit Darrell. Dumb. Yes. And annoying to Darrell that he can't hit back because of Stephen hitting Irene and the new rules. But. People seem to be making excuses as to why they can see Darrell being so mad because he's a boxer and because Shane is gay and because Darrell has black pride and doesn't like gay people. All of that is bullshit. Bullshit excuses. The minute you start making those excuses, setting different rules for different people...well, that's the day you become B/M.
I'm sure the crank calls then went on, but they edit it so it looks like they just sit around in dangerous tension for ten minutes until Darrell gets up and leaves. Sarah -- her nose red from crying or lots of cocaine tells us -- that Darrell's lips were quivering, he was so mad.
Now Eric goes after Darrell, as Eric camera-talks that Darrell is a boxer and could easily beat up anyone on the trip blah blah blah Tysoncakes. Darrell, walking through the night, tells the cameraman that if that's Shane following him (it's Eric), they had better grab him and stop him because he's about to knock the fuck out of him. He says he's serious, and then when no one makes a move, I guess he puts it together that it ain't Shane. Now the bullshit comes as Rachel camera-talks that Darrell has been "more than accepting" of Shane, and that it hurt Darrell's "ego" to be slapped by a gay man. Oh, Rachel. How can a big lesbo be so naïve? Oh right, you're just a "straight girl who fell in love with another woman." Sorry, but I've had it with the B/M kids' bullshit. I'm done with it. Shane smokes a cigarette as Darrell, leaning against a pole, tells us that he's never been hit in the face and then walked away. This is where I give him a tiny bit of credit for the introspection he seems to be going through, but as he says he's scared to go back to the RV because he might hit someone, he also has to fucking realize that it was a playful if misguided hit. It's not like outside a club he stepped on someone's shoes and the person then took a swing at him. Darrell goes on that he doesn't want to talk to nobody. Not a problem, dude. We'll just slink off to commercials.
Back. Bathroom. Eric and Darrell. Eric gives him props for being the bigger man. Darrell says he was in shock. We see the slap again. Darrell tells Eric to tell Shane that Shane should avoid talking to Darrell for a while, even to apologize; Darrell thinks that if Shane "come in [his] face," Darrell will hit him. Ew, that's nasty. Eric camera-talks that he's impressed with Darrell's ability to keep his emotions in check. Eh. Okay. Maybe. They walk back to the RV as Eric says that tomorrow's mission is going to be tough now, but Darrell says he's going to be smart and not be the "angry black man." But then he says he's going to "work the cards" against Shane, and I don't understand what that even means. Maybe they're going to play some poker later.
Morning. Shane sucks the doodoo out from the RV's tank as Darrell has breakfast. Eric camera-tools that last night someone stole the horns from the front of their RV. Eric says that the horns were a "symbol of [their] wood." What the fuck does that mean? The horns are a symbol of his erect penis? Kendal chimes in and then Eric goes on that he's pissed about his penis being stolen and we get a flashback of Season One and he says the horns started way back then, and it should stay with them. Eh. Okay. Obviously B/M orchestrated this, so I'm not even going to waste my time talking about it. See. I'm done.
Driving. Shane tells Kendal that the slap was meant to be playful, but it was stupid. Shane is eating paint out of the can right now. That can't be good for him. Shane says he doesn't know if it's "fixed" yet. The Worst Song To The Theme plays, talking about "soul searching" and "nothing inside." It's like the drummer from Live did a solo album, and had his eleven-year-old nephew write the lyrics.
Now the kids arrive at the University of Alabama. The Mayors are standing on balance beams for some symbolic reason. The kids wonder why, and then say it doesn't matter and that they're going to do whatever they need to do to win. Everyone laughs. The kids meet their "y'all" Mayors, Candace and Jonathan. Hm, I'm guessing that Shane might just have met that elusive "somebody for him on the trip" in his new Mayor. The Mayors say it has to do with balance and Kendal camera-hos that she thinks they're doing rodeo. Wha?
Now they all move to a field with safety ropes over vertical poles. They're "position poles," and Candace explains that the kids will have to stand on them for a cumulative eighteen hours -- three hours per kid. ExpoEric camera-dorks that they'll be paired up, and if someone falls, their time will be added to the group's remaining time. Jonathan stays silent and mysterious for Shane as Candace babbles on (as students watch from the sidelines) that if they make it they'll win surf packages from LOCAL MOTION, with wet suits and boards. The kids then pretend to be excited. They put on shirts with big targets on them as Candace says that every half hour on the hour, students will throw rotten food at them for five minutes per time. Wow, that sucks. We see the students cheering, wearing gloves and digging into big buckets of meat and mac and banana peels and shit. Ew. That sucks.
Sarah now camera-talks that this isn't "exactly [her] cup of tea," but that she'll do it. Oh, bless you, Sarah. How kind. Jonathan lisps that they'll pair them up now. Rachel and Kendal. Shane and Darrell. Of course. They make it seem like they're picking at random with little scraps of paper, but, c'mon. Rachel camera-mans that when she hears Shane's and Darrell's names being picked together, she steps back and prays for them. Darrell is not happy to have to be with "old Shane." He says he's in hell right now. "Hugging?" says Shane to Darrell. Oh, man. They have to stand on a pole hugging each other! Yeah, I don't think I'd be particularly happy to have to hug a dude for three straight hours. Darrell goes on that he just wanted to say "fuck the surfboards," but he couldn't let his team down like that. Okay. That's the Darrell I know and kind of like a tiny bit.
It looks really hard just to even get on top of the pole and stand, but they all do it and then hug. The "couples" settle as Darrell asks why Shane's squeezing him so hard. Hee. Darrell, annoyed, tells Shane to breathe in and relax, dog. Darrell then camera-talks that Shane is crying and trembling. They're both holding each other as far apart as possible like two kids dancing at an eighth-grade mixer. Darrell says he wanted to laugh at Shane crying, but he knew it would make Shane panic. Shane does panic, and Darrell has to tell him to relax about twenty times. Finally, Mayor McJonathan asks if they're comfortable and says their time is starting now.
Students start chanting, "Yabba Dabba Yellow Hammer. Give 'em hell, Alabama." Eh. I'm sure there's a delightful yarn about the origins of that chant, but I couldn't fucking care less. Now Mayor Candace tells the students that when they hear the air horn, they should start throwing the food. Everyone is ready and the horn blows and they start launching macaroni and shit at the kids. It's pretty fucking funny. Kendal says that it's hamburger meat and how pissed is Sarah now? -- I guess she's a vegetarian. Darrell gets hit in the goggles with meat. Hee. The time runs out and everyone is okay. A student tells Shane to grab Darrell's ass and Darrell tells him not to do it. Darrell says, "You fucking touch me like that, dog, I will sock you as I fall." Hee. That's good stuff. Shane says it was a joke and that he's not attracted to Darrell. Darrell says he felt his hand go lower; that's all. They both laugh nervously. Man, that's some funny shit. Gay tension at thirty feet.
Now Sarah tells Eric she thinks she's going to pass out. Darrell yells that if she falls, she should just fall herself and not take Eric with her. Darrell is very concerned about earning a single extra second up there with Shane. Sarah moans really lamely as Eric says she's going to throw up or something. I'm sorry Sarah, but really, what a lame-o you are here. Lame-o. Everyone smirks as Sarah moans on, and we puke off to commercials.
So yeah, Sarah "falls" down, and the crowd laughs and boos as she gags on her way down. That Pink song that goes "I'm a hazard to myself" plays as Sarah touches her suck-ass down on the ground and the Mayor adds her time to everyone else's. Hee. Darrell quietly swears as Rachel jokes that maybe it was the meat. Darrell asks if Sarah threw up; he hopes she did but he bets she didn't. We cut to a shot of Sarah sitting on the ground happy as a clam chatting with students. Man, that's a fucked-up edit right there -- or Sarah is a total ass. Shane says that if it were him, he wouldn't be smiling, and continues pleading his own case to Darrell by saying that Sarah doesn't care about anyone. He then tells us the same thing, as if we have any control over not voting him off...and it's too bad that we don't.
Darrell and Shane think their feet are broken as Kendal whines that she has to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, fucking Sarah is down there eating food; Rachel yells that Sarah doesn't get to eat until the rest of them do. Sarah just looks up and doesn't react, obviously not caring since she knows her ass is closer to home than ever. She's closer to home than when she was even living there. Now it's time for the food to be thrown again. Eric is wide open. Sarah jumps around like a dork telling the kids to hit her; then she throws food back at them. When it's over, Darrell takes a piece of banana off himself and eats it. That's disgusting...and potentially seductive for your partner!
So now Sarah is camera-snotting -- mucus almost pouring down her face, she sounds so stuffed up -- that girls keep coming up to her and pointing out some dudes who are the ones who stole the horns. Now, this is very bizarre, but some guy dressed as a cowboy is suddenly camera-talking that "the Thursday Night Posse is going to do more than throw macaroni at these jokers. We're going to step up, you know what I'm saying? And represent." Hee. First of all, it's pretty clear B/M set this up, but regardless, this dude...wow, I don't even have words. But seriously, my friends and I stopped calling ourselves a "posse" when we turned, like, fifteen. I just hope that some day this douchebag's kids get to see the tape of that time their dad was a complete a-hole.
Rachel camera-talks now that they could see the dudes, and they looked like a bootleg version of The Backstreet Boys. Heh. They look more like Color Me Badd to me. Now some guy who looks like the 7-Up spokesman dude but without the money or the comic timing says that "it has been proposed" (as if by some other entity -- some government body of sad little retarded ad hoc college social groups) that the kids and the "posse" have some athletic challenge match for the horns. (Oh, okay, maybe that retarded government is B/M. That would make sense.) The Ass Cowboy mumbles that someone has stolen their "mojo," and and asks if they want to step up. Sarah tells them they're stupid and Rachel yells for her to walk away.
Now there is more food thrown as Sarah gets a cell phone and calls the cops on Color Me Terrible. Huh. Sarah shows up with the cop, walking all proud like she did something good. Hee. How sad. Now the douchebags all pile into the back of a pick-up, but the cops give chase, pulling over the Crapmobile. Meanwhile, Sarah is walking with the camera making little comments like, "Run. You're going to get caught," still very proud of her ability to dial a phone. Now the cops have the guys pulled over and the Ass Cowboy talks about never saying anything specific about what was stolen. He stumbles over the word, "specific," and then says, all stupid and smiling, "I'm a public relations major and I know what specifics are." Sarah comes back with one good line: "I'm majoring in theatre and you're a really bad actor."
Now Sarah is getting her case number. Lame-o. Meanwhile, Darrell tells Shane they didn't come all this way to fall, and Shane tells Darrell he couldn't have done this without him. Shane would totally go to hug Darrell right now, but he already is. "Hey, you too, dog," says Darrell. They go back and forth trading "no, it was more you"'s and then the air horn sounds as the mission is over. They made it. Wow. Standing In Place For Three Hours. What a feat.
We see Sarah walking as Shane camera-talks, "Sarah sucks." He says he's very angry he had to carry her weight. Now the kids -- including Sarah, who seriously shouldn't even get a piece of crust -- eat pizza as Sarah recounts her daring story of calling the cops and the tools evading the police. Kendal then busts her, camera-whoring that she's making this huge production and trying to redeem herself. Kendal makes a face as she walks away from Sarah, then continues camera-talking that Sarah is trying something, but that it's sad. Hee. Rachel now tells Sarah straight up that they keep putting their faith in her but she keeps letting them down. Sarah says she understands. Now Rachel camera-talks that she loves Sarah, but upon the mission they fail, she's giz-zone.
RV. Driving. Rain. There is a leak in the front of the RV, so they stop. Then -- in the biggest Why Bother, B/M? You Lame-os moment -- Color Me Losers pulls up and returns the horns to Eric. The kids all thank them as Color Me Losers also give the kids a bottle of wine. I wouldn't drink that. The boys give gay hand signals as they strut back to their ass truck. Eric then camera-talks something about the boys playing their cards and they bluffed and now the kids got their horns back. Hm. Now the truck is driving away but there is no room for all five of the douchebags, so there is obviously another car, but they tried to make it look like...ah, fuck it. Who cares? The kids have their horns back. Also, who cares?
Now in the RV, Darrell gets to finally make fun of Shane for crying up on the pole. He then camera-talks that the slap is over and he's not even worried about it. Well, that's good. Shane now says he wishes he could have been the one whispering encouragement. (Darrell's looking like, "Don't say I was whispering in your ear, dog. I got a rep, yo.") Now Shane gives his expert assessment that Darrell was pissed about the hit, but he was the bigger person by not hitting back. Yeah, you bet Shane is happy about that decision. Darrell now tells us that the mission was the hardest; it was hell for him. Shane camera-talks about his temper and says he wants to be better. Everyone is giggling at something as we pan into the back room, where Sarah sleeps, alone. Ah, man. How sad that is. And, over.
...Bees. Snakes. The kids have to touch them. Then an alligator. Rachel yells at them when they're fucking with an alligator and Darrell camera-talks that Rachel be cool one minute and the minute be mad. Uh, yeah. She's a girl. Rachel yells at them all that she hopes they're reincarnated as animals and people fuck with them in the same way. If Sarah were reincarnated as an animal, it would be my cat, who just sleeps, eats, pukes, and pretends she's going to faint if I ever try to play with her.
Until week, people!