Sarah Sucks

This has nothing to do with the show except that it's on the same network, but if you haven't seen the new Weezer video for "Gone Fishin'" yet, you must see it. It might be the best video I've ever seen. Marcos Siega, who is one of the better video-director staples, came up with the idea which has Weezer appearing on The Muppet Show and Miss Piggy kidnapping Pat. Animal has to fill in on drums and Kermit and Gonzo sing backup while Pat escapes. The song is one of the best on the new album and then it ends with Statler and Waldorf, and if it doesn't put a smile on your face, you have a cold dead heart and should immediately kill yourself, or become a case manager for an HMO.

"Previously..." At the Citadel, Darrell got yelled at and then bragged to us that he was thinking which cadet to beat up. Then we see what we never got to, which looks like the injured Sarah getting hazed and yelled at by cadets for letting down her team. Awesome. Sarah almost cried as Rachel told us that Sarah is the weak link. Then we get where Shane dissed Rachel's stomach muscles and then Rachel lied to us that Shane is just as close to being kicked off. Step routine. Sarah said that it's her turn to shine, and then eats the camera. Shane didn't want to be kicked off. Outkast whored themselves like no rap group since the Black Eyed Peas made a commercial for Dr. Pepper (and Meth and Redman shilled for some deodorant and...well, City High) by announcing Road Rules's bullcrap win in the step competition.

Titles. Credits. Awful song. The caption people mishear "Dump all your cash, we'll take care of the rest," as "Board the camper, we'll take care of the rest." Hee. Anyway, worst song. Worst song. End.

RV. Driving. Eric is asleep. Shane and Rachel fuck around, putting an open condom (not used, I pray) on Eric's face. Rachel and Shane laugh. Kendal says they're all getting along. Darrell camera-talks that he's having "fun." We see him and Shane laughing and then Darrell goes, "I'm going to make the best of whatever I'm with." Oh my God, people. He can't even refer to Shane as a person. Not "whoever" but "whatever." Aw, but then again, after reading his 'blog, I think he might just not know the difference.

The kids drive into Alabama. Rachel asks Sarah -- who has a mouthful of food -- how two parents who are both doctors could shun their kid like Sarah's folks did. Sarah explains that they were trying to prove a point. She says she was a really good kid in high school, but then when she came back from college, she started hanging out with some band all night. They all agree that her parents giving her the divorce was extreme. Rachel camera-talks that she can feel bad for Sarah and relate, but she wishes Sarah would not be such a douche when it came time for the missions.

Sarah goes on with her sob story about how they waited up one night and said, "This just isn't working for us anymore." You have to feel a little sorry for Sarah here, and it seems everyone does. Except her parents, I'm sure. Sarah now camera-blehs that, for the first week, she felt very alone, but now the dynamic is great and then she delusionally says she's not the most likely to be booted. Hee. Right. And Mystikal didn't rape anyone.

More driving. Driving. Crap music. Night. RV park. Darrell shills for the man by telling us that they got a clue -- a " DIRECT CONNECT from NEXTEL." The kids gather around as the fake person says they're going to 'Bama early the morning, and they have to have good "balance." The kids try to figure out what their mission is from the clues, hurting their brains, while Kendal camera-talks that they have to pass this mission and they don't want to leave anyone behind. Even though they will.

Later. The kids make crank calls to people Shane hates from his dorm. They're all drunk. Darrell takes the phone and starts riffing. The captioners have no idea what he's saying, so they just type "...". Hee. It's the worst crank call ever because he's like, "Who am I calling? Oh, yeah, where's that female...Kate! Kate, yeah, that's it." Now Darrell says, "It's Shane. Sugar Shane," and Shane says Darrell's not supposed to say Shane's name. Man, the worst. Even Marlee Matlin could tell the difference between Shane's and Darrell's voices. So then Shane reaches over and bats Darrell in the head, kinda hard. "C'mon, dog," says Darrell and it would be okay, but B/M pipes in the dramatic music and Shane hangs his head and everyone gets very Daddy's Drunk And Angry And What's Going To Happen? Shane camera-talks that he feels like an idiot, and suddenly the fun is over as we see Darrell getting more and more pissed. Now, I'll say this: it's stupid of Shane to hit Darrell. Dumb. Yes. And annoying to Darrell that he can't hit back because of Stephen hitting Irene and the new rules. But. People seem to be making excuses as to why they can see Darrell being so mad because he's a boxer and because Shane is gay and because Darrell has black pride and doesn't like gay people. All of that is bullshit. Bullshit excuses. The minute you start making those excuses, setting different rules for different people...well, that's the day you become B/M.

I'm sure the crank calls then went on, but they edit it so it looks like they just sit around in dangerous tension for ten minutes until Darrell gets up and leaves. Sarah -- her nose red from crying or lots of cocaine tells us -- that Darrell's lips were quivering, he was so mad.

Now Eric goes after Darrell, as Eric camera-talks that Darrell is a boxer and could easily beat up anyone on the trip blah blah blah Tysoncakes. Darrell, walking through the night, tells the cameraman that if that's Shane following him (it's Eric), they had better grab him and stop him because he's about to knock the fuck out of him. He says he's serious, and then when no one makes a move, I guess he puts it together that it ain't Shane. Now the bullshit comes as Rachel camera-talks that Darrell has been "more than accepting" of Shane, and that it hurt Darrell's "ego" to be slapped by a gay man. Oh, Rachel. How can a big lesbo be so nave? Oh right, you're just a "straight girl who fell in love with another woman." Sorry, but I've had it with the B/M kids' bullshit. I'm done with it. Shane smokes a cigarette as Darrell, leaning against a pole, tells us that he's never been hit in the face and then walked away. This is where I give him a tiny bit of credit for the introspection he seems to be going through, but as he says he's scared to go back to the RV because he might hit someone, he also has to fucking realize that it was a playful if misguided hit. It's not like outside a club he stepped on someone's shoes and the person then took a swing at him. Darrell goes on that he doesn't want to talk to nobody. Not a problem, dude. We'll just slink off to commercials.

Back. Bathroom. Eric and Darrell. Eric gives him props for being the bigger man. Darrell says he was in shock. We see the slap again. Darrell tells Eric to tell Shane that Shane should avoid talking to Darrell for a while, even to apologize; Darrell thinks that if Shane "come in [his] face," Darrell will hit him. Ew, that's nasty. Eric camera-talks that he's impressed with Darrell's ability to keep his emotions in check. Eh. Okay. Maybe. They walk back to the RV as Eric says that tomorrow's mission is going to be tough now, but Darrell says he's going to be smart and not be the "angry black man." But then he says he's going to "work the cards" against Shane, and I don't understand what that even means. Maybe they're going to play some poker later.

Morning. Shane sucks the doodoo out from the RV's tank as Darrell has breakfast. Eric camera-tools that last night someone stole the horns from the front of their RV. Eric says that the horns were a "symbol of [their] wood." What the fuck does that mean? The horns are a symbol of his erect penis? Kendal chimes in and then Eric goes on that he's pissed about his penis being stolen and we get a flashback of Season One and he says the horns started way back then, and it should stay with them. Eh. Okay. Obviously B/M orchestrated this, so I'm not even going to waste my time talking about it. See. I'm done.

Driving. Shane tells Kendal that the slap was meant to be playful, but it was stupid. Shane is eating paint out of the can right now. That can't be good for him. Shane says he doesn't know if it's "fixed" yet. The Worst Song To The Theme plays, talking about "soul searching" and "nothing inside." It's like the drummer from Live did a solo album, and had his eleven-year-old nephew write the lyrics.

Now the kids arrive at the University of Alabama. The Mayors are standing on balance beams for some symbolic reason. The kids wonder why, and then say it doesn't matter and that they're going to do whatever they need to do to win. Everyone laughs. The kids meet their "y'all" Mayors, Candace and Jonathan. Hm, I'm guessing that Shane might just have met that elusive "somebody for him on the trip" in his new Mayor. The Mayors say it has to do with balance and Kendal camera-hos that she thinks they're doing rodeo. Wha?

Now they all move to a field with safety ropes over vertical poles. They're "position poles," and Candace explains that the kids will have to stand on them for a cumulative eighteen hours -- three hours per kid. ExpoEric camera-dorks that they'll be paired up, and if someone falls, their time will be added to the group's remaining time. Jonathan stays silent and mysterious for Shane as Candace babbles on (as students watch from the sidelines) that if they make it they'll win surf packages from LOCAL MOTION, with wet suits and boards. The kids then pretend to be excited. They put on shirts with big targets on them as Candace says that every half hour on the hour, students will throw rotten food at them for five minutes per time. Wow, that sucks. We see the students cheering, wearing gloves and digging into big buckets of meat and mac and banana peels and shit. Ew. That sucks.

Sarah now camera-talks that this isn't "exactly [her] cup of tea," but that she'll do it. Oh, bless you, Sarah. How kind. Jonathan lisps that they'll pair them up now. Rachel and Kendal. Shane and Darrell. Of course. They make it seem like they're picking at random with little scraps of paper, but, c'mon. Rachel camera-mans that when she hears Shane's and Darrell's names being picked together, she steps back and prays for them. Darrell is not happy to have to be with "old Shane." He says he's in hell right now. "Hugging?" says Shane to Darrell. Oh, man. They have to stand on a pole hugging each other! Yeah, I don't think I'd be particularly happy to have to hug a dude for three straight hours. Darrell goes on that he just wanted to say "fuck the surfboards," but he couldn't let his team down like that. Okay. That's the Darrell I know and kind of like a tiny bit.

It looks really hard just to even get on top of the pole and stand, but they all do it and then hug. The "couples" settle as Darrell asks why Shane's squeezing him so hard. Hee. Darrell, annoyed, tells Shane to breathe in and relax, dog. Darrell then camera-talks that Shane is crying and trembling. They're both holding each other as far apart as possible like two kids dancing at an eighth-grade mixer. Darrell says he wanted to laugh at Shane crying, but he knew it would make Shane panic. Shane does panic, and Darrell has to tell him to relax about twenty times. Finally, Mayor McJonathan asks if they're comfortable and says their time is starting now.