Here are some questions that watching early-morning MTV makes me ask. Does Nelly have face cancer? Of the *NSYNC boys, why is it that the little blonde bug-eyed one and the fat one are the first making their movie debuts? Does Ja Rule look like an upset, colicky baby to anyone but me? I know no one is watching Road Rules this season, but is anyone watching The Real World, either? Do you know anyone who is going to see K-PAX who isn't just a rabid and vaguely-sad-at-this-point Jeff Bridges freak like me? Is Carson as pissed off about the emergence of the pretty damn cool and smart Gideon Yago as I think he is? Does P. Diddy know he's not even spelling his name correctly in his new song? And, oh yeah, why am I up at 8:00 AM watching MTV? That's the best question of all.
Incidentally, Road Rules is doing something weird this year where they don't play the tag ending until the repeat the week. In this one from last week, Ellen talks about refusing to dunk her vagina and ass in pigeon feces while ADDam offers Blair ten dollar to go all the way under.
Another quick question: I don't understand why Steve Oedekerk is now hawking his stupid Thumb Wars video in commercials on MTV. Does anyone actually care? Really. Just go direct crap movies and leave us alone.
Previously...they get a clue to go to Marrakech. The Six of Suck say they know that they're going to meet the Real World kids there, and then begin complaining, over shots of the RW kids in NYC, how easy a life they lead and how coddled they are. And let me just point out here that, yes, the two met weeks and weeks ago in aRWepisode. I don't remember if is was post-Jisela, because Katie didn't even fucking arrive until they were in Spain, right? See! I watch every asslicking second of this show and I'm still all confused. Just suffice it to say, the Time Line is Fizz-ucked like it ain't never been Fizz-ucked be-fizz-ore. ADDam floats that those "pampered bastards" are about to get it.
Credits. Don't waste my time. I got a life to lead, Cha-Cha.
Tioga. Day. Driving. Map. "Fes." The desert. A beautiful house in the desert. We learn it's the Real World Mansion. Crap opera music plays. The kids arrive at the mansion. Ellen left-eyes that in all the time they were in Morocco they never got to go to a nice house like this until the Real World kids showed up and boo boo boo. Someone says it's like the Casting Special all over again and the kids round the corner in the mansion to find the RW kids sitting and we get a retread of the same scene where everyone runs and hugs while Coral just sits eating her bitch pizza. Lord, Mike sure runs like a big caricature of a yokel running. Katie smokes and voice-overs, calling theRW kids "yuppies." What year is this? Adam has a brief conversation with Nicole while Coral chomps on and Adam asks Coral how she's getting along with everyone as he floats that he calls Coral a bitch and he doesn't even live in the house. This is Adam's single greatest feature -- that he treats Coral like shit and doesn't kowtow to her at all. That and the fact that he got Ellen to go down on him in the RV while everyone slept. That's pretty fresh, too.
The kids show Lori and Nicole and Mike the Tioga and they carp on how trashed it is and then Mike infers that the kids must all hate each other because they do, but Ellen breaks his poor dumb heart by lying that they all get along very well. Katie floats that they all like each other while the RW-ers fight; she reads a cue card: "That house is just turmoil." She giggles. I yawn. My cat twitches, dreaming of chewing through the screen door and being free of this B/M-infested hell-hole once and for all.
All the kids eat and lounge and then receive a trophy and a clue, while Blair voice-overs, as if he's talking about some solemn history, that last year was the first challenge between Road Rules and The Real World and last yearRRwon and it's their job to defend that. The clue says that they must all travel to a location where they'll enter into a best-of-three tournament. Blair floats that there is no way they can lose because they're so tight as a team right now, as Malik drops some prop comedy on our shit and mimes drinking out of the big trophy. The funny thing is that his 'fro is so damn big it's all smushed into the camera lens.
Night. 3:30 AM. The Real World boys sneak out to the Tioga and trash it, painting, shaving creaming, and TP-ing it. Malik even crawls on top of the RV, and it's total bullshit that the kids inside wouldn't feel it rocking. Look at me, getting all indignant and grumpy. I'm seventy-three. They finish and congratulate themselves. I would congratulate them, too, but I'm far away.
Morning. The shit is fucked. Painted and the door locked and shit. Adam, again sounding this crap bell of ancient tradition and honor, floats that the Real Worlders shouldn't have "disrespected" their entire team like that. He goes on to say that it's just giving him fuel. Blair says, "Payback's a bitch." And...commercials. Already? This is like the best day ever!
The RR boys decide to fill up pots of pool water and go sneaking into the Real World boys' rooms, shirtless. They're all shirtless, sneaking into boys' rooms. You make the call. Blair floats that they're doing it to congratulate them on a good job with the TP. They sneak into the room. Pour water. Malik screams, sharing a bed with Kevin. (That would make me scream, too.) "Let the games begin," doofuses a dry Mike. Kevin sputters, staying in bed, his cancer getting very angry at the rude wake-up.
Map. Driving to Marrakech. Everyone is crammed into the Tioga, even Coral's massive titties. They get off. The RR guys have painted their faces. I don't know. Adam slaps hands with his team members as Ellen pathetically says, "Road Rules!" No one responds. Blair says that they're taking it much more seriously than the RW people are, while Mike camera-talks that they don't have a team, but rather individuals. Wow, that's a big word for Mike. He must be learnin' somethin' there in the big city. They go inside the house, into an outdoor courtyard in the middle where they meet the referee Mustapha. He explains that they'll be competing in three traditional Moroccan events -- the winning team will get one thousand dollars per person. Everyone freaks out over that -- except Coral, who presses a button on her control panel and puts on her holier-than-thou bitch face. Ellen and Katie, meanwhile, have no way of containing their excitement, visions of Prada and Gucci dancing in their heads. Ellen floats that they're going to show these "pampered little kids" how they play and that they're on RR turf now. Adam floats that it's not about the money for him, and that they will beat them. C'mon now, Adam. Think how many meds one thousand dollars could get you.
"Bootylicious" plays as the kids walk out in slo-mo to the playing field in red (Real World) and blue (Road Rules) garb. Mustapha says that the first game is Sheep Wrangling. Shot of a sheep. ExpoSteve -- Hi Steve! -- explains that they'll have to herd sheep into the opposite pen; whichever team has more sheep in its pen at the end wins. Mustapha holds up a tiny brass camel which will be their prize for this event, along with the points going towards the final award. Blair floats that Coral has come down with some sort of flu, so she won't be competing, and it'll be six against six. Don't you suppose they made someone sit out so it would be even, anyway? I hate all.
The music of B/M Having Abandoned This Show Seasons Ago To Interns From The New School A/V Program plays as the kids try to get their sheep out of their thatch pens and across the large dirt area, passing the other team going the opposite direction, and into the other pen. They're all armed only with a long feather, their shitty attitudes, and grating personalities. Ellen stomps and yells at the poor sheep. Blair voice-overs about the sheep chaos we see; it's driving him crazy because they're not listening to anything he says...because they're sheep. Everyone runs around and sheep are jumping and switching direction and it's kinda funny. HiSteve looks like he saves a sheep from jumping off this roofish thing to its certain death. Coral, meanwhile, fixes her makeup and checks for boogers in the Tioga mirror. The Crack B/M Editing Staff switches the Ornette Coleman frenetic jazz to a sultry sax thing during this, and then back for the sheep wrangling. Nice, boys. Good job. Go edit a student film or something. Wrangling. Wrangling. RW kids get some sheep. The bell sounds. The Road Rules pen is empty. Wow. Mustapha says that it's "simple," and then reveals that the score is six sheep to zero. The Real World wins. Well, that's pretty fucking embarrassing. Our kids laugh sadly. The others get the Golden Camel. Sophia floats that it's no one's fault, and she hopes the Real Worlders don't get too comfortable as Coral, who didn't do a fucking thing, does an unearned victory dance. Our kids retire to the Tioga to regroup, or to go down on each other.
Blair lies that it's zero to zero now. Katie opines that they just go out and have a good time. Geniuses, all. They say they're not going to lose. They leave the Tioga. Well, that was inspiring and motivational. They're about as good motivational speakers as Bob Patterson. Come to think of it, their shows are similar in quality as well.
Adam steps off the RV and they hold out this ugly-ass flag of the crest that they made and they tell the dumbfounded Real World kids that this is their "secret weapon" and that they have "unfinished business." No one has any reaction to this lameness. Finally, Nicole disses them, clapping, "Good job, guys." Hee. Our kids don't get it. Blair, all serious, says that they have a flag they made -- as Adam puts it on the front of the Tioga -- and it proves to the others that they won't lose. Ooookay.
It's dusk, and the second game is the Mummy Wrap. Katie camera-talks that each team gets to pick the two who are getting wrapped up from the other team. Adam floats that the two will be wrapped up and put in a tiny coffin together to spend the night. Yikes. Blair says that whoever stays in the longest wins. Man, that sucks. The Real World kids discuss whom to pick. So do our kids. I can't hear what they're saying, but really, who cares. The Real World kids pick Adam and Katie. Our kids pick Rachel and Nicole. (I would have made Mike and Coral stay in there together, frankly.) Adam and Katie explain that they picked Nicole because she's not a team player (and because she's a man, baby!), and Rachel because she's claustrophobic. We indeed see Rachel crying. Kevin tries to chill her out. She's scared. Nicole bitches that she had better cry now and not in the coffin, because it'll get her started. Hee. The two picked from each side are then put standing face to face and their team wraps them, in what looks like a fast-motion Benny Hill sketch. Dude, seriously, I would not want to do this. I imagine it's not as bad as they're making it seem and that they let them out for breaks and shit, because B/M are pussies, but regardless, this sucks. They carry the two screaming bundles into this dark room with candles, shove them in the boxes, and leave, mumbling, "Goodnight."
Darkness. Finally we see the coffins again. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe!" we hear. Rachel says that there is no other way to lie, and that she's freaking out. Adam yells that they have mental fortitude, and Katie says that they're used to living in confined spaces. Ah, a Psyche Ops campaign. Pretty sneaky. Adam floats that they have pride and will sacrifice, while Nicole, wearing denim pants on her chest, says it's the money that's important to her. Nicole yells, trying to get the others to quit, while Rachel says that she'll give them five hundred dollars if they give up. A clerk checks on them. Adam makes a mistake by asking when was the last time they worked as a team, basically shaming Nicole and Rachel into staying. Good job, ADD boy. Katie yells that they're staying until morning. Shot of the moon.
A cock crows. Hee. Cock. The coffins. Adam says, "I think Mustapha's late for work." Ha. The others open the door. As they remove the top of the Road Rules coffin, Adam tells them to look what they did, and on the top, written in guaze pieces, is "Road Rules 10. Bassek." Everyone claps and laughs. Adam and Katie are in there, still bound together. I guess they got their hands free. But man, this would have sucked so bad. I can't buy that they did it. There had to have been breaks. Adam voice-overs that they needed to come together and BASSEK -- the Six of Suck's names -- came into his head. Blair says it makes him proud and shows what kind of group they are. No, it shows that Adam and Katie did a good job. I wonder if they made out. Ooh, I wonder if Nicole and Rachel made out. That I care about much more. Mustapha says that the kids did well, and they tied and each get a golden camel and now it's two to one and it's down to the final event.
Mustapha leads the kids out (they have to get a day's break or something) to a little kiddie-pool-looking thing, and says that last event is Moroccan Oil Wrestling. Ooh, shit. Everyone stares, worried, as Mustapha says they have six golden camels to win. Blair floats that it's an individual contest, and HiSteve floats that there are no points and no time limit -- the match goes until someone's back is pinned for three seconds. Mustapha flips a coin and we (look at me all saying "we" and shit...sad) win so Steve gets to pick who he wrestles first. He picks Mike, explaining to us that he picked Mike because Mike was talking shit the whole day before, and that there is nothing he likes more than shutting someone up who was talking shit. Well, he likes nothing more, except sleeping in a bed as opposed to a box. Mike steps into the oil and almost falls. Hee. Mike says that there is no way he's going to lose "to this kid." Steve, meanwhile, all mean-looking alla sudden with a serious Eye Of The Tiger going, voice-overs that he's a tiny guy and Mike is "twenty times stronger," but he knows what he's doing. Ooh, this is going to be kind cool. Gay, yes, but cool. Commercials.
That "Let the bodies hit the floor" song plays as there is some wrestling going on. Everyone watches. They pull apart. Steve floats that he can't move Mike -- he's too big and slippery -- and that he'll have to wait for Mike to make a mistake. More wrestling. Wrestling. Steve stands up and waves a "uh uh" finger to Mike as Blair floats that this is the Steve he's always talking about that they rarely get to see; it comes out during fierce competition. Steve is not going to lose, he says.
The music changes. Steve voice-overs that he's tired and his asthma is kicking in, but he's not going to lose. We learn that this is two hours later. Two hours! Holy shit! This is the worst competition ever! Working for crap-ass Arista records is much better than this. Coral floats that they're all saying that they can just get out of the oil if they want to. Suddenly the competition kicks back up and everyone is on their feet, cheering and Steve has Mike pinned in this odd angle in a headlock and everyone is yelling and finally Mustapha rings the bell and Steve jumps up. Mike screams that he was getting choked and that this is the second time they've been screwed. I don't know what that means. Adam gets in Mike's face, saying (correctly), "How many times does he have to throw you on your back?" Mike gets crazy, all Hulk-looking with ripped clothes, saying that his shoulder wasn't down and he was being choked and he could choke Steve and beat his ass if he wanted to. Nicole is yelling, too. Lori and Kevin just stare. I'm sure Coral is off making enemies all over Morocco or something right now. Mike is swearing. Blair voice-overs that Mike blew up and was yelling and this only got them angrier. Ha, we see that this is called the "Duel in the Desert." I didn't even catch that before. Good. Nice job, B/M. Very catchy.
Now it's Lori and Ellen. Lori doesn't look like she wants to do this, at all. Mike yells, "Choke her head off." Shut up, douche. The girls, on their hands and knees in oil...Ellen and Lori on their hands and knees in oil...mmmmm...
...Oh sorry! Sorry. Uh...in oil, shake hands and then begin wrestling. It's pretty fierce with nail and arms and elbows...and oiled-up thighs and breasts and...
Oh, sorry again! Wrestling. Wresting. It's fucking fierce. Everyone is cheering and it's really, like, touching this blood-lust part. Even the two girls. This is not the type of thing they do, but they're just going for it hardcore. Now Nicole is saying that she doesn't want to do this. She says, "Look at her." And indeed, we see Lori on her knees, cuts on her face, her mouth open and her eyes half closed, looking like she has no idea where she is. It's pretty fucking vicious, really. (Oh, well, she actually looks pretty much the same way when she's singing, so I guess she's okay.) Adam is now yelling at Nicole, saying, "Yeah! Yeah!" and saying that she's already giving up and these girls have been in there for an hour and a half (damn!). Adam is cracking me up. He doesn't give a shit what people think. This is when you want him on your team. I can't believe I'm writing this pro-Adam shit. Somebody stop me. Kevin tells Nicole she doesn't have to do it, but that they will lose if she doesn't. The girls are still wrestling, but everyone is ignoring them, just off to the side chatting. Nicole says she doesn't want to get scratched up, and Coral is sick, and Rachel says she will have done the coffin for nothing. Shut up and let us watch the chicks in oil! Blair voice-overs that it's too violent for Nicole, while Katie guesses it's because Nicole did not want to mess up her makeup and hair. True. Blair goes on to say that any kind of team unity they had before is now gone, and the fighting has made Lori give up. At Two And A Half Fucking Hours of the fight, Lori gets pinned. Ellen wins. Lori is crying in the oil. Sophia floats that she didn't see Ellen and Lori, but a tiger and a lamb. That's mean. Lori lasted a long fucking time. Ellen is being congratulated by everyone while Lori flops on the ground.
Now Blair and Malik go. Funk music starts because...well, Malik is black and that's what you do when a black person is on screen, right B/M? We see that Steve has his hand bandaged, I guess from the fight. He's all changed and shit, too. After all, this is, like, six hours later. Katie now floats that with Coral and Nicole bitching, the other RW-ers got sick of it and migrated to the RR side. One Hour Later. Everyone is all asleep and shit. Blair voice-overs that they both decided to quit, so they stop and hug. I would not hug another oily guy, but that's just my own issue. I can't believe the girls almost killed each other, going for nearly three hours, and the skinny boys give up after an hour. Pussies. (Shit, I might have pulled a Nicole myself, but hey, I get to talk smack here.)
So now it's 3 to 2 in favor of Road Rules and Katie is going to fight Rachel since Nicole has refused; if Katie wins this, it's all over. The fighting begins. It's pretty lame. Adam is coaching her. All the boys are. Twenty minutes later, it's over. Rachel is barely flailing. Hee. It's over, 4 to 2.
Mustapha gives them the check for six thousand dollars. Our kids cheer. Blair floats that the trophy will forever stay on the RV, and will never end up in a house, he promises us. Well, until they cancel Road Rules year, maybe.
People hug. Kevin, reading a script from B/M, tells our kids that he's proud and impressed how well they all work as a team and with three petty people on his team, he is particularly impressed and would love to be on their team and blah blah blah fakespeechcakes. Adam camera-talks that maybe the RW-ers got something from watching how the RR team came together. Ellen floats that she thinks the RW-ers benefited just from watching the RR-ers and seeing how, despite their differences, they can work together. Ooh, yeah -- just by being with you, they benefited. They most benefited when you blew the three RW guys later that night. Everyone is hugging, and maybe it's the same day still as the Real World kids get on a short bus. Lori is still all fucked up and Steve's hand is jacked and Blair has on a neck bandage. More hugs. Adam and Mike even hug. Oh, Ellen is still talking. She says that these are people you're with, and you need to look beyond the stupid stuff and make the most of every bleh. Waving. Waving. The short bus goes away.
Now our kids are on top of their Tioga with the coffin top, and Adam is voice-overing that you don't usually see "this type of unity" outside a family. Since when the fuck are they so unified and shit? Is it just in comparison to the RW-ers? I'm confused. We end with Adam floating that "Bassek is [his] family." Well, isn't that special.
. War games. A forest. The kids are in fatigues and a colonel says there are "medics" "out there" who need "help." This is for the final piece of the crest. The kids duck and crawl through mud and people are shooting something over them and Blair floats that you can actually get it. Fake injured people fake scream and hold their fake bloody wounds. Our kids fake treat them. Chaos. Screaming. Confusion. The new P.O.D. video. What? Oh, it's over. Bye!