You know, I was about to go out and find someone with a covering on her head and harass her, call her evil, and perhaps even try to punch her out or something for the terrorist attacks, but MTV is telling us not to do that -- to "Stop The Hate." Man, thanks MTV. What would I do without you? Oh, and now it's a P.O.D. video, which teaches me that you can still be down with God and wear dreads, skate, and scream all angry and shit. Thanks P.O.D. You made Christian Rock cool again...after Live fucked it up. Oh shit, Ja Rule just told me to chill and not hate and "Holla!" Suddenly, the world just seems good again and every anthrax spore is not deadly, but like a little hug. I no longer want to take Florida and just cut it and push it towards Cuba. I no longer fear the sound of a fire engine's siren. I no longer worry that the guy to me on the flight could try to slit my throat with the edge of the in-flight magazine and fly the plane into game five of the World Series. Thanks, MTV. I'm so...Oh. No. I just saw the new Enrique Iglesias video featuring Mickey Rourke and Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate again, MTV. Oh, how I hate.
Previously...the scene from Katie's first day when they tried to make her spend a night on top of the Tioga and she said no, if it's just for his amusement, no way. She voice-overs that she's sick of ADDam bossing her around. Now the RV driving with Steve -- HiSteve! -- at the wheel. Adam is bossing him and he says, "Hey, don't be patronizing me with that tone, ass." Adam giggles.
Credits. Here are the other things you could be doing instead of watching these credits: Drinking juice. Kissing someone. Doing ten push-ups. Going to the bathroom. Playing pinball. Calling your mom. Lighting some incense. Petting your cat. Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling. Learning once and for all how to spell a word that you constantly, always, misspell every time. All of these things -- better than watching the credits yet again.
The kids are parked on a street somewhere and a guy digging in a big pile of sand goes to the Tioga and starts speaking Spanish. HiSteve does a great, "Uh...Adam." Finally Steve understands and goes to the pile of sand at which the guy is pointing, and it's their clue he's just "uncovered," and Steve drolly says, "Oh, how did this get here?" with enough fake surprise that you know he knows that this bit of getting their new clues is ten times stupider than the Road Master from last year and that's a fucking feat, y'all. (For it to be ten times stupider, not for Steve to catch on to that fact. That one's easy.) They read the clue, which tells them to go back to Morocco. For some reason, Steve and Blair start running around, and I can't tell whether they're happy they're going back, upset, or Blair is trying to eat Steve and Steve is running away.
Now it's early morning at the Port of Algiers and the Tioga is parked and faces and words are painted on the side and it looks like the kids painted themselves on their RV but we never saw them do it but it looks like it would have been at least twice as interesting as anything we've seen so far. Fuck B/M. Now and forever. Blair lies on a bench with Katie on top of him. He's talking, but I can't tell what he says. Something about their last chance to have an affair in Spain. Adam is walking around in his sleeping bag and Blair starts hitting him. "Sleeping Bag Man doesn't like abuse," tools ADDam. Ha. Heh. Hm. Zzzzzzz.
Ferry montage. Ferry montage. Katie yells for Adam not to drive because she has a glass full of wine. He does. I think that's what's happening, but absolutely not one single person at B/M cares a whit about this show anymore, so they're not even trying to make it comprehensible or good or anything.
Driving. Driving. Blair says that Adam is annoying and always just has to "go go go." Things are flying around the RV as someone tells us that sometimes you have to hold on to things when Adam is driving. He's going to pull over at a gas station, he announces, as Steve floats that Adam hears "Go" but never "Not To Go," and then there is lots of screaming. Indeed, at the gas station, Steve is bitching to Adam that everyone told him not to go; Adam says he didn't hear, and Steve tells Adam that he only hears what he wants to hear. (I can't believe I'm writing this infantile shit down, people. I miss The $treet.) Adam says that Steve has to tell him in a nicer tone of voice, or he's not going to listen. Steve says this is always a problem. Adam says again that he's already told Steve how to approach him, and if he doesn't do it nicely, they're going to butt heads. (Hit him, Steve!) Steve just stares at Adam, unable to believe what he's hearing. Someone needs to grind up some meds in some apple sauce and give them to the boy. Jesus.
Now Sophia floats that she asked Adam whether she could drive. She does. They pass some camels. Sophia camera-talks that she's excited to be in Morocco because she never got to experience it. Wow, she's going to fucking hate it, huh? More driving as Adam bosses Sophia around. Sophia tells us that Adam is not a good passenger. Blair floats that it's funny how pissed off Sophia is at Adam with the yelling. Unlike last year's girl who gets mad while driving -- Msaada -- Sophia doesn't yell for them to "shut the fuck up, you!" and threaten to drive them all off the cliff. Instead, they reach their destination and she just hugs Blair; Blair helps her to release stress. (But not in the way Jisela could have, if you know what I mean, and I think you...ah, fuck it. I don't even have the energy to make Jisela and Sophia lesbian jokes anymore. That's just how bad it is, y'all.)
Ellen and Sophia lead Katie to the bathroom which, as Katie explains to us, is just a hole in the ground. Katie is appalled. She asks whether the water is to wipe your butt with. She can't deal with it, and then floats that the other girls predicted she would hate this and now that it's true, they think it's funny. She says that they just pointed and laughed, and indeed, Ellen points and laughs. Hee. Now the kids all walk in the dark. Adam asks Katie how long she can hold "Number 2," and she says she'll hold it for as long as she has to. Steve tells her that, with the hole, sometimes you miss, and Adam offers that sometimes it's a "rimmer," instead of a swish. Okay, that kinda funny, in a seven-year-old kinda way.
Restaurant. The kids eat, and Sophia brings up her frustration with Adam. Adam says that he warned everyone right off that he's not comfortable being in the back seat. Oh, well, you warned everyone that you're a control-freak asshole. That's okay, then! Steve just glowers as they fight. Katie says that Adam is a shitty driver, too. Adam says that he "let" Sophia drive; she thanks him for the permission, and he inexplicably yells, "No, it's not permission!" Katie says that the RV doesn't have Adam's name on it. (Um, actually, now that you've drawn your faces on it and signed it, technically it does.) More yelling. Montage of yelling as the quality of the film gets worse and worse for some reason. Katie is pissed. Blair stares. Katie says that Adam is the self-proclaimed leader, but that he doesn't lead her "ass" anywhere. (Man, this is all about Katie's ass, this episode.) Adam says he never says blah blah blah killmecakes. Katie whines that it's a shame her first dinner in Morocco sucked so bad. After a beat, Blair says, "It was good." Hee. That's because food was involved, Blair. Steve then voice-overs that it seems like Adam doesn't care sometimes, not that he doesn't listen. The waiter brings the clue, and they all mock the delivery method, too, which makes me happy. The clue says they'll be manufacturing one of Morocco's greatest exports, and that they should wear shorts and t-shirts. ExpositionSophia floats what they just read. Still at dinner, the kids guess what they're to do. They guess brass, pottery, scooping up dung. I would almost rather scoop up dung than watch this.
Driving. Day. Driving. The kids arrive somewhere and a dude greets them. He's scary-looking and says, "Welcome, please," to all of them; his name, we learn, is Amrani. Almost a very fashionable man. He leads the kids down paths and up stairs as Adam floats that the boss man doesn't seem to like them, instead just seeing six Americans who don't like to work but have to work. Who loves to work? Oh yeah, Ice Cream Tasters. They're the only people who like to work. And strippers. Strippers love what they do, right? Right? They seem like they do, at least. Anyway. We get the scary local chanting music that scared me before and now scares me even more now, I'm sorry to say. So, they get into a store with purses and crap hanging and Abdellah, their Employer, greets them and welcomes them please and says some crap about camels and goats and sheep and shows them the tannery. Right: they will be tannery workers. They look down at these huge pits and Katie is bitching. Adam floats that he sees the people slopping around in the pits and he wonders what smells so bad. They find out it's pigeon crap, which makes it soft. Abdellah goes on to say that they'll get more pay if their work is of high quality. Ellen then floats, "I'm gagging." Hm. I was under the impression that she could control her gag reflex. Commercials.
We're back. Blair floats that he has no money and will do anything. Each of the Six of Suck will take a nasty Lamb Skin, put it over their arms, and start "a job." Shots of everyone looking grossed out. The skins are all wet and slimy. Katie doesn't know about this. The girls are especially grossed. Adam floats how nasty it is, like it was just pulled right off the animal. Everyone else looks amused at these kids. "God, I don't want to do this!" bitches Katie. Ellen jumps up and down. Steve is cool. Abdellah tells them to follow Amrani while he goes and smokes out of his hookah and counts his money. The kids follow down through sloshy wet streets in their bare feet and there are more cries of "nasty!" Sophia floats about the dirty brown water and about their job. The first step is washing, and we see a guy doing it; they have to jump in dirty water, slosh the skin around, and turn it inside out. This is pretty gross, I have to say. The kids joke. More joking. Amrani hates them already, and with good reason. The kids get in the pit; Amrani yells and they slosh and he yells, "You have to work!" and Ellen wipes her face on someone and they're screaming like six-year-olds and then Katie floats that the step is to carry the "clean" skins to an area, paint green shit on it, and then pull the fur off. Katie yells, "Look what it did to my jewelry!" Hee. Katie camera-talks that no one will ever want to date her again. Adam says he's about the throw up. Someone in the background -- maybe Blair -- says, "Don't pull that over your eyes." Okay, that's fucking funny as shit. Sophia floats about how nasty it is, "dog."
The kids walk with the skins and almost slip. They all moan as they arrive at the poop pits. Blair floats that you could actually see the smell in the air. Abdellah watches them from above. Katie gags over and over. "I can't be here!" she whines. "This is the job. You must to do this!" yells Amrani. Hit her! Hit her! Cut off her hands! There is a toothy old guy working with them. He's funny. But also, he's what you look like when you do this job for a long time. Katie bitches to Amrani about the smell and says, "I don't live like this!" I love that. Steve laughs. She whines. Amrani quotes Bobby McFerrin: "Don't worry. Be happy." Weird. That's just odd. I wonder where Bobby McFerrin is. Not watching this, I hope. The girls are lackadaisically doing this, the "softening" step. Katie again: "This is not a fun job. No. I don't do stuff like this." Blair and the toothless guy laugh at Katie. Sophia screams. Adam jokes around. Ellen coughs. Katie retches. My cat plots my death from the corner. Ellen warns Katie not to puke on her. Abdellah watches them from above, now drinking booze and yelling for them to work harder. I'm glad I don't have Wing sitting on my easy chair yelling at me to recap faster. Then I'd have to actually get dressed. ["Not necessarily. Rrrowr." -- Wing Chun] Katie stares. Retches. Squeals, "I'm not kidding, I'm going to puke. No. I said, no. No. I quit. No. I'm going to puke, everywhere!" She gets up and walks. Amrani is laughing. Blair laughs. Commercials.
Aw, Buddy Lee gave blood.
Okay, so we get a crane shot of Abdellah watching the kids from above. Now we see there is no one down there. Ah, well. The kids get deep in the water. Ellen says she'll only go in up to her thighs (please, write your own jokes here -- there are just too many to make) and Katie refuses, telling Amrani that he doesn't have to pay her. I don't think he was planning on it. She says she quits again as Adam reminds her that she's already quit eight times. Ellen squeals that she can't feel the bottom as Amrani tries to push Katie in. She screams. A local stares at them. Amrani says, in his deep Lurch voice, "You are not working. You are joking. Please. We need work." Sophia floats that Katie keeps quitting yet getting further into the work and that she keeps yelling that she hates Moroccans and Sophia says it's the funniest display of cultures clashing. The boys work hard and Abdellah watches them from above, yelling that they're doing good. A cat. We see a cat sitting. Even the cat is bored.
Now they go on to "dyeing," and they are to do the same thing as before, we learn. Another cat. Working montage. Working montage. Abdellah watches them from above, drinking. Amrani yells, "Work!" Now on to "drying." They hang up the skins and blow them dry as Steve voice-overs a lame joke to the effect that they discovered that pigeon crap worked well. They now carry the skins into a hut for "stretching." They lean the skins over something and rub a tool on it. They do it. It's tiring. It takes a long time, and hurts the booby, someone says. Everyone looks beat and they marvel over someone having to do this all day every day. Yes, it's called "the rest of the world works," and many of us have no idea how hard their lives are. I guess by that I really shouldn't complain about recapping this show, should I? Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna anyway. Ellen voice-overs that this is so difficult and she's tired and her back aches and she wants to go home and we see her doing a back bend for some reason and Amrani licks his lips and now it's night and they carry their skins to the store area.
The kids show their skins one by one to Abdellah and he inspects them, stopping on Katie's two skins. That sounds dirty. He announces that everyone gets a full day's pay, except Katie, who gets half. ADDam speaks up for her, saying it's a little rough. Abdellah smiles, then repeats that she gets half pay. They all put their shoes on, and Katie hysterically blames her getting half pay on women being treated badly in Morocco. Hee. She then camera-talks about how unfair it is. Ellen then caps it off perfectly when she camera-talks that time she buys a leather belt or a purse or shoes that she's going to have a greater appreciation for whoever made it. No, she won't.
Guess where they go? Yes. Western Union! to get their Western Union! pay. They get $1,320. Each? No, together, I guess. Oddly enough, the Toothless Man only made sixty cents for the same day's work. They have the Western Union! guy retardedly announce that Katie only gets half, and she says, "Thanks," all bummed and they count their money.
Oh, they're trying to bring the episode full circle with a little Aesop's Fable ending as Adam floats that he wasn't the leader today and things still got done and that's a lesson for him. Fuck. Off. Thanks.
It's night. The kids sit on the ground outside the RV somewhere and we briefly see that Sophia is wearing a shirt that reads, "Katie is a princess." Why the hell don't we get to see the story behind that shirt? Man, this show. I hate it all. Adam tells Sophia that they butt heads on the missions because he puts himself into the leadership role, and Sophia reminds him that everyone leads in his or her own way, and that he doesn't have to have that pressure; immediately Katie tries to make it a negative and says that Adam shouldn't think he has that power to lead, and Sophia goes on to say that Adam lets his arrogance get in the way. He agrees and she repeats it and says that it's the only problem she has with him. (What happened to the whole thing about him being fucking crazy off his meds? I guess they let that go. Stupid B/M.) Katie interjects that it's the only problem, and Adam says that he only has a few weeks to learn and that they should point it out whenever he's fucking up, and he's open to "corrective criticism" right now for some reason, and he hopes to grow. Sophia then floats that you can't force growth, which negates everything we just saw. Aw, fuck it. She says she loves Adam, and they hug.
Tioga. Inside. Adam says he would have made Ellen jump in the pit. He says he learned a lot today and relaxed and loved relaxing and not being a leader. Now he voice-overs that he's learned to appreciate "the perspective from the rear." (Again, insert your own jokes.) He hopes he can chill and let others contribute more and bleh. Done.
. The kids once again(?) meet up with the Real World tools and have a Battle in the Desert. Everyone runs to hug. People throw water on sleeping people. Sheep-catching. Coral gives everyone the stink-eye. Now there is mud wrestling and Steve is angry and Ellen voice-overs that the RW'ers are pampered. Wrestling. Wrestling. It looks like we kick ass. Oh no, I just said "we" meaning the Road Rules kids. I have to go now. Far away. Bye.