So, that was exciting, wasn't it? Having a week off we didn't expect. With my time, I spent ten minutes going, "What the fuck? It's not on?" And then the twenty minutes going, "Hell yeah, it's not on!!!" I hope your time was as well spent. I don't know whether we have Aaliyah to thank or what, but my Forty is tipped to whoever it was. Mazel tov.
"Previously...." Ellen and Adam are in the upper Tioga compartment saying, "Now we can make out," and giggling their Dual Giggles of Annoying. Adam says that it's not his leg she's massaging. Adam hugs Ellen, and Katie then floats that within ten minutes of getting on the RV, she realized that Adam and Ellen had a "thing," whether or not they admit it. Ask us whether or not we care. Now that's a different question. A different question: where's the pizza I ordered an hour ago? I miss when pizza guys were all running over kids to get your pizza to your house within thirty minutes lest it come out of their paychecks. Ah, those were the days, by crackie!
Credits. Elimination. Scenes. Pictures. Names. Jisela is gone, replaced by Katie. Adam with his voice-over. Crest. Done.
Dancing. The kids dance. Drink. Drink. Talk. Adam floats that, at the beginning, he thought that Ellen was someone with whom he could have a relationship. Ellen speaks the word of the mistaken, lifting the wool up from over her eyes just long enough to tell us that she knows Adam cares about her because of some stuff he's said. More dancing. Ellen whores all over the dance floor, throwing her pussy on Adam. Slo-mo dancing. Crap dancing. That's it.
Tioga. Morning. Blair stands in front of the RV camera-talking, "It seems that after everybody goes to bed, Adam and Ellen enjoy performing oral sex on each other...three feet away from me...which is disgusting." Whatwhatwhat!? How does Blair know that they "enjoy" it? You know, I don't want to know but, damn. Diz-amn! One point for B/M for kicking it up a notch. Katie then floats that Adam has even told her that they have sex, revealing that Ellen tries to get loud and sometimes he has to cover her mouth. Yeah, she probably keeps asking, "Do you like me? Do you like me? Adam, are you sure you like me?"
And then B/M just rolls right over this most interesting of revelations by having someone deliver their instructions to the Tioga. Katie reads that at 1:45 they have to contact a local baker because he has a "tall order to fill" and needs help. So for those who haven't been following the oh-so-complicated nature of this season: sometimes they get missions; sometimes they get jobs. This is a job. Katie further explains, very helpfully and insightfully, that they don't know how much they're getting paid for this job, but she hopes that it is enough that they'll be able to eat comfortably -- now this is the complicated part -- until they get their job. Wow! Thanks, Katie. (Hey, when do they get to boot someone else?) Steve (hi, Steve!) floats that he loves cooking and he's more than happy to put on the chef hat and apron. Okay. It's sad that these domestic revelations are what B/M has limited the actually-very-funny Steve to. Bye, Msteve! Try not to piss off B/M so much time. Sophia explains, just in case you haven't gotten it, that they really need the money. She says that they've been eating other people's food. Yuck. They down with OPF!
Tioga. Driving. Day. Water. Beautiful. Me. Tired. Hungry. Fucking Dominos. Now Ellen and Katie sit talking by the water. Ellen is babbling nonsense about that's how she feels and that's how Adam feels and so they acted on their feelings and now she goes floaty, whoring that she and Adam are two people who found "something in each other" they liked (I'll leave that one alone), and that she didn't expect a relationship but she's glad it's happened with Adam. "He's an awesome guy," says Katie. Ellen says, "Adam is already taken," and Katie freaks out, repeating how she doesn't believe she just said that and she then tells us that Ellen is possessive of Adam and it goes on and I lose the point...and the will to go on.
City. Buildings. Old buildings. The kids fuck around on some street and Katie tells Adam that he's "attached" and she goes on -- what a bitch -- that Ellen told her just today that Adam is taken. Adam looks stunned behind his stupid red sunglasses, which is kind of funny. Lots of babbling I can't understand. Unsure what to say, Adam deadpans, "Stakes have been laid. Territory has been claimed." Stee has been bored. Moving on.
Tioga. Night. Driving. Adam, off his meds, babbles that he's let his standards drop, and from now on he's only dating centerfolds. Ellen, taking the bait like some fucking King Salmon that after eating the shiny thing and getting the hook one thousand times still does not learn because it has a brain the size of a fucking M&M, turns around and says, "Reaaally?" Katie floats that she doesn't think Adam's ADD has anything to do with how crappily he treats Ellen. Katie gets another gold star in her book of Telling Us Shit We Already Know. (Just five more and she wins a watch that reads, "It's No One Gives A Fuck O'Clock.") Adam goes on to say that if you're going to bang, you might as well bang well. Steve -- hi, Steve! -- floats that Ellen takes Adam's shit, so too bad for her. Adam goes on about dating sisters of supermodels and whatever. People laugh. Ellen whispers, "What a jackass" for the five-hundredth time this trip. But that's all she says in response. She's probably not saying much because she has to rest her jaw for later that night.
Day. The kids walk into a bakery and meet baker Abraham. He doesn't speak English, and Blair explains that both Adam and Ellen speak Spanish, but that Adam speaks it better. ExpoSteve floats that every year they have a gluttony festival right before Lent in the town of Villanova where they are, in which you throw meringue at each other. (Trivial note: they keep pronouncing it "meringu-ay," like the dance, which may be how you say it in Spanish, but is not how you say it in English. I would like to say that everyone is fucking stupid, but they might just be misled by how Abraham says it. All right. Now I don't even care either. Thanks.) In Spanish, Abraham explains their stupid-ass mission, which is to make at least 120 small meringues, and then one giant one. Can you feel the excitement? You can? Then you're stupid, because there is none.
The Music of the B/M Desperation-o-Meter Hitting Eleven plays as the kids make meringue, Steve explaining (and we see all this) that you separate out the egg whites. As they cook, the Crack Production Staff gets some fucking 'tarded idea to put a camera in the bottom of a bowl so that Ellen cracks an egg into the lens of the camera. It makes it so visually...fuck off. Adam bullies Ellen, telling her to put her hair up while she cooks. Steve goes on about how to make meringue and...you know what? If you need to know, go look it up. I'm tired. Steve looks sad as he finishes his explanation, his role on this show quickly becoming very fucking clear. All right, the exciting baking continues, as Adam bullies Ellen more, telling Abraham that Ellen is fucking up the meringue, calling her Japanese when she's Korean. Ellen then cries to us that she's tried to be the bigger person and thought that once she sucked his cock he wouldn't be such an ass to her. Yeah, I'm shocked that didn't work. Adam then floats his thing about Ellen's repair estimate being too high that you can read in the last recap, as we limp off to commercials.
I'm not kidding, y'all -- after sleeping in my bedroom all day, my cat finally left the room only to walk up to me, puke on the floor, and then walk back to the bedroom again for another nap. She hates me so much, people, it's not even funny.
We're back. The small meringues are done. Now there is a huge cake thing and ExpoSophia explains that they get to decorate the cake with frosting things and airbrushing. Adam berates Ellen as they all make the cake look terrible, Blair then floating that he's going to have to learn to say "sorry" in Spanish, it's so ugly. Abraham tries to play along, but he hates himself, too, at this point. When Adam cuts Ellen off, Blair comments on how much they fight and says, "When's the wedding?!" Blair then floats that he would never treat a girl the way Adam treats Ellen, but that he thinks Adam really likes her. Thanks, Blair. Go eat a pie. Abraham explains that, the day, they will have to deliver the cake in perfect condition to the town square, in order to get paid. The boys go outside with the cake and wait as the girls (and Blair, hee) go get the RV to bring it around. Steve says, "You like Ellen," and now I'm just confused. Has he not heard the "slurp slurp" in the RV? Maybe Steve is just a heavy sleeper -- considering how comfy the Tioga must be after his usual bed of a cardboard box. Steve and Adam babble about Adam and Ellen -- Steve teasing Adam about how much he likes her -- and suddenly I see why B/M doesn't like Steve: he's kinda boring. (Okay, I'm kidding, but, well, maybe not. We'll see.)
The kids get the cake safely into the RV, and then The Crack Editing Staff use a stupid slo-mo shot to transition us into a stage conversation between Ellen and Katie outside the RV at night with Katie asking Ellen if she likes Adam. Jigga-what? Obviously this is before the sucky-sucky or...I give up. Ellen says that she sees qualities she likes in Adam, but that he acts like an asshole. She floats that Adam does push her away, but she doesn't think he understands the extent to which it bothers her. Tiresome, party of Ellen. Your table at The Fuck Off Café is ready.
Day. Kids running with frosting shooters. ExpoSteve tells us that, every year, there is a Chef Hat Riot meringue fight and kids go crazy and they have to try to protect the cake through this. The Road Rulers all draw targets on themselves, and that doesn't seem smart to me. Adam tells us that they need to get paid, and they start carrying the cake through the streets, holding cardboard around the cake to block it from attackers. Kids. Smiling kids. "Evil children," the Road Rulers call them. "Watch for snipers," someone yells. All right, this is kinda fun. ExpoSteve explains that, in the center of the square, the kids were all frothing to destroy the cake. They see the Abraham van, but I don't understand what happens because they look like they quickly close the doors and drive away as our kids are yelling to them. Anyway, more kids. More kids. The Road Rulers put the cake down and Steve stands guard and has a funny standoff with a cute little girl. She attacks Steve; he grabs her shooter and pours meringue all over her face. "Stop hitting yourself," he keeps saying. Hee. Finally, Blair explains that a "collegiate linebacker of a little girl" flew up and tackled him; we see a whole mess of kids rush them and tear the fuck out of the cake. Katie floats that the cake is ruined and they decided just to have fun and everyone is throwing shit and they're grabbing kids and fucking them up and we see that the cake was just frosting covering a big cardboard column, which should be no surprise, really. Katie, covered in meringue, whines, "These kids are mean!" Adam holds up the fake cake, and someone knocks it out of their hands. Sophia blahs about them having fun and Steve says this could be the best day of his life. Now, that's sad. But kinda sweet. More dancing and fighting and everyone is covered. Ellen and Adam fight, and ExpoSteve floats that they're flirty, and really, there's nothing left to say, is there? Really. At all. Then there's a stage from which they throw more meringue and squirt water and Blair likens it to a bachelor party for children and actually, it really does look like a lot of fun.
It's night now; the fun chaos continues and the square is packed and throwing and water and The Guitar Rock of We Lost On Star Search plays and you get the picture. Finally the square is cleared out. Abraham brings the kids a cake, introducing the Western Union representative and B/M loves its commercials and the kids get their Western Union! prize at the bottom of the cake and she takes them to the nearest Western Union! to get paid. I don't understand why they're getting paid anyway when they failed the fake-ass lame mission, but whatever. They each get $181. Adam fights with Ellen about the money and Ellen's Left Eye gets steaming angry and floats something very lame to us to the effect of "I will come fighting," regarding Adam being a jackass. I think I might throw up soon. Really. I'm that bored and hungry. Slo-mo shots of Adam. Then Ellen.
Night. RV. Ellen asks Adam to come outside and talk. Adam resists and calls her a bitch. Blair wishes they'd end this bullshit bickering. Adam says, "I will go defensive." Ellen leaves and they all babble and Adam babbles that this isn't a good idea and no one listens and he leaves and we go to commercials. Phew.
Warning: the following is a very fed-up recapper refusing to spend too much effort and time recapping the most retarded conversation to air in the last few years. You have been warned.
Ellen and Adam on the roof of the Tioga, I think. It's too dark to tell. Ellen says that she doesn't want another episode "like that," and that she's tired of the tension. Adam says that their "episode" or whatever had nothing to do with any relationship between them. Ellen asks Adam what he wants to happen; he says that she has a lot of positive qualities, but that she's not someone he would ever date, so he doesn't think anything should "develop in the RV." Maybe the episode they're talking about is them going down on each other again. Or maybe it didn't happen yet. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Adam says that nothing has happened, so Ellen says that nothing will. She gets up as she says that this has been "drawn out" and "played out." Adam asks her not to get him out of bed time if she doesn't have a point. Ellen climbs down saying, "This is so stupid." Hey, if you still like Adam after all this, you may no longer read my recaps. Thank you.
Now we switch gears as Adam floats that his biggest fear is rejection. My biggest fear is Season Eleven. Adam stays on the RV as he goes on floating that his tactic is to push anyone to reject him so that he can say he caused it instead of them just rejecting him and he's crying and Boo-the-fuck-Hoo. Now we get a shot of him crying in the Tioga as he voice-overs that the was born with ADHD and didn't get diagnosed until he was eleven and that he spent a lot of years having people think he was lazy or retarded and that the hardest thing was that no one liked him because he was always getting in fights and he wasn't allowed to go to family functions and was never invited to birthday parties and he would have to pick a fight in the lunch room to get attention and we keep seeing slo-mo shots of him crying, obviously talking to someone, and he goes on that it makes one "hate life." He cries more, and tells us that he pushed Ellen away because he was afraid that if he allowed himself to like her he would get hurt. Huh. Wow. I feel very...nothing.
Day. Jigga-when? Adam and Ellen drive the RV -- alone, it seems. Adam floats that when they're alone, he can open up and be nice. Ellen floats that sometimes Adam is nice and sometimes he's a brat. In a long-winded way, Ellen asks Adam why he can't always be the nice Adam. He blahs that the asshole side is to keep that distance; it's not a good thing and he knows it. Ellen says that he can keep his distance, but that she misses being able to talk closely about things.
Oh My God! Another fucking scene with Ellen and Adam. They're on the RV at night and Adam says that he can believe that Ellen cares about him, but that caring can change and that's scary and the one way "guys have control" is not to let themselves get too close. Ellen, smiling so broad because she thinks this means fucking anything, says that she's glad he's opening up to her for the first time, really. She says, "No one's perfect. Everyone's got their flaws." Adam says that after this terrible show, he'd like to get a smaller RV and go all around the country and to Mexico (revoke his passport, now!) and that he would like to go with Ellen. Ellen beams like she just won prom. Adam says that Ellen would be "cool" to go with "because [she's] really cool." Wow. He loves you, girl! She leans on him and kisses his cheek as Adam floats, talking directly to Ellen. He says that he didn't mean it, and that, back home, he would date her. "Ellen, I love you. I really, really care about you," he says. Huh? Wha? Bleh.
week...on the RV, Ellen talks on her cell about how the others are not really adults, they're like "grade school." Blair pops in and overhears and later complains, "That's the kind of thing that tears a group apart." The kids have to do a human-pyramid-building mission (exciting as always, B/M) and Ellen tries to get fancy and makes them all fall.
Hey, whoever stole my pizza: I hate you. See y'all week.