Well, the week is over and I spent the whole time trying very hard to get over the emotional booting from last week's episode. I really feel as though I went through something very hard but somehow necessary and I just know I'm going to be okay. Someday. But I will always miss...um...Shit, who was booted? Oh yeah, Jisela. The loud one. Yeah, I'll miss the shit out of her.
Previously: they voted someone off. Blair went floaty and said that he loved the cast as it was, but that the only way to keep things together is to vote off the "weakest link, mission-wise." He then went back to eating a whole pie. Jisela counted the votes and discovered that it was her. Suddenly happy again, she hugged everyone, including a weeping Sophia. Sophia cried as ADDam "comforted" her; meanwhile, he's just plotting how he can hide his meds under his tongue again tonight when Ellen checks on his dosage.
Opening. That fucking music. The kids jaunt through the sand. Shots of the kids. Missions. Crest. Jisela is still there. No giving up the name of the new girl. Yeah, please keep it a "surprise" for a bit longer. The suspense. Killing me. Oh wait, that's not the suspense that's killing me. It's simply having to watch the show each week.
Day. Tioga. The Sad Music of B/M Desperately Trying To Make Us Feel Something...Anything plays over shots of me trying to stab myself with a Sharpie. Very scripted line has Adam saying how empty the RV seems just with one fewer person. Ellen left eyes that Sophia was so upset (about her "friend" Jisela being gone), and Ellen wanted to give Sophia a hug and tell her it's going to be okay, but Ellen's not so sure it is because just one person leaving makes such a difference. Jesus. How long did it take her to learn that line? Adam, cleaning something, voice-overs that whoever the new person is, he or she will already have two strikes against him or her. We get a shot of Jisela's empty cubby and then, oh my God no you di'int! The Crack B/M Editing Crew is on some fine shit this week because they superimpose a haloed outline of Jisela's face kissing the air to her cubby as Adam says that no one can fill her shoes. Jesus. A new low. I didn't think it possible. Now Ellen is voice-overing about how much she misses Jisela, starting off by saying that despite all the times she wanted Jisela to shut up and to stop "being...just...herself," she will miss her. Ha. Man, bitch is so fucking relieved to have Jisela gone, even her left eye is calm.
Now outside, Blair stretches against the Tioga, preparing to jog off the pie, I guess. On the back panel, someone seems to have written "Banished," and then Steve's and Ellen's names. I guess it refers to people B/M hate. Msaada should be on there, too. Also, what the fuck is up with them tagging on the RV? I hope they get their handsome reward ganked for vandalizing B/M's shit. Blair voice-overs that he's afraid everyone will be bitter toward the new person. Quickly, we get a shot of a weeping Sophia saying, "No one can replace [Jisela]. No one." Oh, poor heart. So sad. So, so sad. Now Sophia is crying into a pillow and then just staring into space. Man, you'd think she just lost the one object of her affection, and the person she loved and wanted to be with for the rest of her life, or something. Oh. Oh.
Tioga. Driving. No, now parked again. Whatever. Ellen is whoring that she wants everyone to be nice to the new girl. Adam is typing on the IBOOK! by APPLE! ADDam mocks Ellen's "togetherness" babble, and then laughs to himself. Only Adam laughs at Adam's jokes. Well, the voices in his head laugh some, too. Adam now meds that he told himself he's not going to let the new person into the group easily, floating that he's created an initiation ritual to make the new person go through what the rest of the cast members already did in a scaled-down version of each "crest" challenge they've performed so far. Sophia wakes up and goes to read Adam's document on the APPLE computer. It says that the new person must demonstrate that he or she has these previously earned virtues "embedded within [him or her]." Adam smiles as Sophia reads. Sophia embellishes, adding "in a pile of shit" to "sleep alone under the stars." Sophia is getting mean, someone says. Now, over a montage of Jisela and crying, Sophia floats that the cast members already went through tons of shit and got their "hearts ripped out," and that the new person doesn't just get to walk in all "happy pappy." Jigga-which? Knowing she's probably to go, Ellen floats that they need to move on, and it pisses her off that people are saying they'll be mean to the new girl. Adam and Sophia continue to read and laugh as Ellen watches unsmiling. Hey, Adam. Mr. Ed called. He wants his laugh back. Sophia and Adam decide that if the new person fucks up the hazing, they will purposefully blow the two missions and vote that person off. Laughing. Laughing. Jesus, why doesn't caffeine work on me anymore during this show? I'm hopped up on enough Diet Coke and coffee to make a cow's heart stop, and yet I'm nodding off every three seconds. This show is like caffeine's Kryptonite.
Morning. I guess. Jigga-when? Expo-Steve (hi, Steve!) floats that there was knocking and no one came to the door, so he did, and Katie was standing there. We see all of this, of course, rendering the voice-over pointless, like most things on this show. Everyone blinks and grogs out as Katie bounds in, totally not shy. Katie floats that she walked in like she'd been there the whole time, explaining that's just how she is. Oh, man, she's going to get on my nerves. You know how I can guess this? Well, she's on the show. That's really all it takes to make me hate you. The funny thing is that no one seems surprised -- thus, they must have been told. Which is stupid. Also, secretly I wished everyone was somehow wrong and that it was Segun. ["That would have been awesome." -- Wing Chun] Ellen floats that she's glad it's Katie because she's a girlie-girl, and they can "swap outfits and stuff." Did you hear that? That was the sound of the women's movement being pushed back years by Ellen, single-handedly. Sophia floats that she was not in the mood to meet someone new (c'mon, it's fresh meat, Sophia!), and Katie says that everyone sucks and "nice welcoming" and then she hugs Blair and it sounds like she calls him "nut sack." I guess Katie was told to bring in the Crest of Endurance (which they, you know, failed), and Blair floats that he wishes it were Jisela bringing it to him. Uh, didn't you vote her out? Douchebag. Now Katie hugs Adam and he says, "What up, dog?" I guess "dog" is still all the rage with Six of Suck because he keeps saying it.
Adam floats something to the effect that Katie didn't kowtow, and that it pissed him off. Then he dials up the hazing document. Katie asks whether this is going to piss her off, and Adam responds, "It's all yours, dog!" Someone kick Adam for me. Quickly. Katie reads the hazing document and reveals that she's afraid of the dark, but that she'll sleep outside, and then she floats that she's not going to let the fact that she's the new girl intimidate her. Suddenly, they get their new mission note outside and Katie says she's confused -- do they want her to participate in the mission or do their stupid hazing bullshit? (My language, not hers.) Sophia says that they'll do it later. Katie catches on that they didn't have to do this -- that it was the cast members' idea to haze her. Katie floats, once a-fucking-gain, that she's not going to punk out, and Adam floats that he thinks she has to earn her spot. I think you all need to shut up and let me take a nap. Now. No? No commercials yet? Shit.
Tioga. Driving. Sophia stares out the window and whines that her mind-frame has changed, and that without Jisela she's no longer excited about the missions. Sophia has no shame. Or B/M made her talk about her love for Jisela for four hours straight one day, occasionally changing clothes.
Now Adam -- because, you know, he rules the world, I guess -- tells Katie that she can get rid of one hazing item on the list if she stays in the bathroom for fifteen minutes after he "drop[s] a deuce." Adam, that shit wasn't even funny in fourth grade. The Diceman would call you immature. ["Although now I will always have that image in mind when anyone calls ESPN2 'the deuce.'" -- Wing Chun] Katie says, "One minute," and that she's not going to sleep outside. She then floats that she won't be blahed a-blah, but then again she could get booted if they fail a mission and they all hate her so, you know, bleh.
The kids arrive at a big field and they're going to BASE Dive; there are people, and a huge crane sticking up in the air with some wire. They meet Stefan, with Sports Unlimited, Germany. B/M is Commercial Plugs Unlimited, America. As Stefan explains that they're going for the Crest of Courage, my cat runs full speed across the room and slams into the TV, trying to push it off its stand; it doesn't budge, and she flops down to try to eat my socks for the half hour. ExpoSteve explains that they'll be lifted up, and will slide on a wire toward the ground; then Stefan Nazis that, at the end, they'll go through a "wall of fire!" Can you feel the excitement? No. Me neither. The kids babble as Katie then floats that she's never done anything like this, but has only skied. Well, I'm sure she's had a few extreme days trying to pick out the right pashmina at Neiman Marcus. That's sort of hard-core in a way, right? Sophia now floats some incomprehensible bullshit to the effect that Katie's not trying to establish her place in the group, but just that she is part of the group and blah blah blah desperationcakes. "We know her," Sophia stunningly adds, "but we don't know her." Man, you must be real shook up after losing your Sapphic love, because you ain't making no sense, girl. Adam lies that he worries about Katie carrying her weight. The kids have to wear helmets and smear themselves with Vaseline; it makes them wonder how safe this could be if they have to take such precautions. Ellen is weirded out because she hasn't smeared herself with Vaseline since the Sigma Chi Super Bowl Party last year.
Adam agrees to go first and there's Steve -- hi, Steve! -- and Blair floats that Adam is the most courageous in the group. He's also the most annoying, most unstable, and most likely to get "accidentally" stabbed by a crew member's boom pole. Strapped in, Adam camera-talks that he's not usually scared, but for some reason he has a strange feeling about this one. B/M tucks $50 in his cubby for lying so well. Katie and Ellen say something I can't hear. Adam asks Stefan whether this is safe, and Stefan Huns that it is. Adam lies that he's nervous. The Music of DJ Listless And MC Sleepy Playing the 4 AM to 6 AM Slot at Lollapalooza 1997 plays as ADDam is hoisted into the air. The kids watch and Adam yells that it's "high." He once again says, yeah, that it's "high." Germans light fires on the ground, a sight to unnerve all Jews in the house. As the Crack Staff freezes a horizontally hanging Adam, he voice-overs again that he's nervous and has never done anything like this and the false tension is wackly mounting and Katie on the ground looks nervous and we limp away to commercials, wounded and feeling every bump.
Destiny's Child is doing ads for Target? Man, give those girls a nap. They're fucking tired. Hey, for those of you who worship Kevin Smith: do you think it'll never end, or have you allowed for the idea that maybe, perhaps, as the incompetent films mount, one day you'll look back and go, "Dude, what the fuck was I thinking?" Trust me, there is an assload of difference between "controversial" and "good." ["I agree. And if I may B/M for a second, watch Fametracker week for Sars's Fame Audit of Kevin Smith. It won't be pretty." -- Wing Chun]
We're back. Adam. He says it's "crazy." He raises his arm and we freeze again and he says it feels like a rope snapping and suddenly he plummets and swipes along the ground right above the fire and he says it's good that he went to the bathroom right before. The thing is pretty fast and nuts, but the false creation of false tension is sad, as always. B/M makes me sad. Ellen floats that she's surprised Adam's knees were shaking afterwards, and it made her nervous. They ask whether he was afraid he'd hit the ground; he says he was, and laughs his insane laugh, and I'm so tired. Someone bring me something to eat and like, sing me a pretty, pretty song or something. That's all I need to help me get through. Oh, and a drink. I would very much also like a drink.
Ellen is hooked up, and camera-talks that she has to "suck it up," something she's good at. Blair camera-talks that he's nervous. Sophia is nervous. Steve says that there is a little "fear factor" involved, and I no longer know what the fuck is happening with this citing other shows' titles. I wish I were back at the Radiohead concert I went to last night. That's all I know. They keep showing the kids all hooked up; they have helmets on so we can't tell who is who, but I think Sophia says her heart is going to explode and Steve -- hi, Steve! -- says he's scared shitless. Scared. They're scared. Blair tells his mom and dad that they can rent out his room. Ellen gets frozen high up as they pan in, and she voice-overs that she wants to get this over with quickly and get back down on the ground. One by one, they show the kids being dropped and screaming and going "through" the fire and Sohpia thanks God and Blair says going down, "dude," is the scary part. No shit, Sher-Blair.
Now The False Tension of Katie begins as it's her turn and she's scared and Sophia floats that Katie has to prove she'll go all out for the team and she's scared and Stefan jokes that he's 10% sure the harness is on right. She yells that she's scared and Adam floats, apropos of nothing, that he's not sure Katie will sacrifice for the team and they've all done it now and who do they think they're kidding. Man, we could all be doing something much better with our lives right now...like watching the Teen Choice Awards. Adam says that he's going to be livid if Katie doesn't go. The camera freezes on Katie up high, and she says she's the most scared she's even been, and then they let her go and she screams and then cheers and Victory Music starts and now she floats that she didn't want them to think that just because she's "prissy" that she won't get "down and dirty." Wow, this is all very...zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm up! I'm up! Sophia floats that she has to admit that Katie did well.
So Ellen hugs Katie and Stefan Reichs that they did well and hands them the Crest of Whatever. They hand it to Katie, who smiles, as Adam floats that Katie dove but he still thinks that she needs to do the initiation thing he made up in order to become part of the group.
Tioga. Dirt road. Driving. Dusk. The original cast members tell Katie that they didn't know they had a mission today; they were hoping they could haze her a bit. Slo-mo driving. Crap music. Night. Tioga. Katie floats that Sophia misses Jisela. Katie tells Sophia that she hopes Sophia won't hate on her because she took Jisela's place. Sophia unconvincingly says that she won't hold it against Katie (though she might like to hold something against her), and that she'll definitely "hang" with her. Katie floats that she thinks Sophia is cool. Sophia floats something too boring to write.
Day. Driving. Ellen looks at digital photos of her from the last mission and Adam picks on Ellen, telling her that her smile is cheesy in the photo and maybe she'd been drinking. Katie looks on. Katie floats that she doesn't like Adam. Adam tells Ellen that no one poses like that, unless "they're a dork...or a slut." That doesn't even make sense. Tool. Katie floats again that Adam treats women poorly.
Tioga. Night. When-forth art this scene? Driving. Adam drives over something and the RV bumps and Katie yells that Adam drives badly and he asks what the fuck she's talking about and Katie then floats that she's going to have problems with Adam and then Adam goes floaty and meds, "Katie. Shut the fuck up! You just got here." Driving. Driving. Me snoring. Commercials.
Katie says that she hopes the initiation period is over, and ADDam tools that he only wrote that shit to help make her feel part of the group. Jigga-Whom? Katie brats that Adam is the only one who has not made her feel part of the group. Why would you want to feel part of that group, anyway? She should be happy. Adam goes on to say that he hoped it would make Katie feel like she'd been through what they did, but on a smaller scale. Katie counters that they did it as a group of six, though. Man, this is the worst argument since my friend and his girlfriend argued over which are more realistic, soap operas or cartoons. (By the way, it's cartoons, obviously.) Katie goes on to say that she'll do anything but sleep on the RV alone. She "adamantly" refuses. And because this is so fascinating, we get Katie floating that she is afraid "to the extreme" of the dark. Adam goes on to ask her what if it were a mission, and Katie says that she'd do it for an actual mission, yeah. I wonder whether she'd see the ghost of her father like Holly did? Where's Steve? Just wondering. Katie then yells that it's not her fault that Jisela was booted, and she won't sleep outside just for Adam's "amusement." He lies that it's more for her benefit than for his benefit, and then he doesn't even finish the sentence because he knows what crizzap he's yapping. Katie goes neck-flopping, telling Adam that she didn't earn her place so far but she doesn't care. Adam then floats about the "handsome reward" and how Jisela deserves half of Katie's part, if they get it. If the show isn't cancelled before then. If I haven't jumped out the window already. Katie finally says that she knew someone here would make this a "deal," but she never thought it would be Adam. She leaves.
Blair floats -- in front of a weird shot of a cathedral, for no reason -- that Adam has tunnel vision, whatever that means. Blair says that he has nothing to say, and Adam wishes they had spoken up before if they thought the list was wrong. Sophia, sitting with crap hanging down from above all over her head -- it's really strange -- says that she can see where Katie is coming from. Someone, shoot me. Please. Please. Please. Blair tells us again that they were all indifferent as to whether she did the hazing, but that it would be "funny to watch." Adam still tries to explain to them that this is a scaled-down version of their missions so far. Even though they're no longer there, Morocco announces that they've placed a Fatwa of We Fucking Get It Already on Adam's head. More talking. More pointless fucking talking. Adam tries to say that it's not malicious, but fucks up and peters out that he doesn't "blame" Katie for "taking it out of context." Fuck off.
Adam heads outside to go talk to Katie, floating that he pushes people's buttons to see whether they can deal with him. I'm so sick of that excuse. He should be, too. I'm so tired of that excuse I can't even think of anything funny to say about anything anymore. Blehkijasopijfoasifjweoifja! That's all I can come up with. Anyway, sitting on the RV roof with Katie is Adam. Katie smokes. Katie says that Adam was a totally different person at the Casting Special. We are treated to a montage of Katie and Adam hanging out at the Casting Special. Katie says that Adam is so negative to everyone now. Yes, he's different because he's off his fucking meds. Katie says some shit to the effect that she was exactly who she was, and now Adam feels fucking stupid and babbles that he hopes, at the end of all this, she thinks he's the same chill Adam who sits around and wants to get to know her. I don't understand, but that's what he says. Adam goes on to grovel, asking her to reserve judgement until she gets to know him again, and then he tells us that he's worried Katie thinks he's an asshole. Yeah, she does. So do Jisela, Ellen, Sophia, Blair, Steve, and the hundred or so people in America who watch this show. Katie says that she thinks Adam's rude to Ellen and to herself, and that he called Ellen a slut and Adam tries to babble that Blair picked on Jisela but obviously he has no excuse and just stammers like a bee just stung him in he mouth; I wish one would, by the way. Katie then floats that she will not be Adam's target. "I just laugh and say, 'Well, I'm here now. Screw you. Who cares?'" she continues. Hee. I like her rich, spoiled ass. Sorta. So far. Maybe. Adam, tail between his legs, goes floaty, telling us that Katie proved that she's stronger than he thought, and now he respects her more. Like Adam is this test you have to go through to be regarded as strong and cool, and if you show weakness and affection the way Ellen did, you're fucked forever in his eyes. Together now: fuck off, Adam. Tool. Douche. Assface. Adam tells Katie that if she knew what he was feeling, she'd know it's just that he gave off the wrong impression and that he doesn't hate her, and he continues licking her boots, saying that she deserves her spot on the show. Katie gives a "fuck off" look. Adam smiles and then, hysterically, floats that Katie has earned her spot now and is really part of the group. They crawl off the roof; Katie says it's time to celebrate "Katie's" arrival, and that they should go get beer and how do you drive this thing? She disappears inside, leaving Adam in the cold. Hee.
week. ExpoSteve explains that every year there is a meringue fight; we see tons of people in the street pouring white goo on each other. The same things happens every year in my old neighborhood in the West Village, but that was a different sort of celebration...and a different sort of white goo. Anyway. Sophia tells us that kids ambushed them and we see it and this is where the Chef Hat Riot comes in. Now in the Tioga, Ellen and Adam fight, and Ellen leaves and Adam is sorta funny floating, "I think the repair estimate to fix Ellen -- way too expensive. Rather scrap her and get a new one."