Setting: Madison, Wisconsin. Dane County Airport. Last week.
STEE: Please.
TICKET AGENT: Sir, you're scheduled to fly back to Los Angeles today. It's too late to change your ticket.
STEE: But it's urgent.
TICKET AGENT: I'm sorry, sir.
STEE: You don't understand.
TICKET AGENT: Please step aside.
STEE: Look. I'm on vacation, and I got someone to take over this terrible thing I have to do for me this week. Now, I'm pretty sure if I stay here in Wisconsin, I can convince her to do it one more time, and then it'll be over. It's the last one. The last one, and --
TICKET AGENT: Sir. I'm calling security.
STEE: [grabbing her by the collar] Look, lady. If you send me back there, I'm going to have to sit through Road Rules.
TICKET AGENT: [pause] Let me see what I can do.
Well, needless to say, it was too late, and here I am, sadly in town and without excuse to avoid this one last Road Rules. Yes, knowing that it's almost over makes it a bit easier. But does it necessarily make a pirate happy to know he's only going to have to walk the plank one time? See, I'm making pirate analogies. You know things are fucking bad. Let's do this shit, yo.
"Previously, on Road Rules." Msaada, driving the short bus, tells James to shut up, "seriously." James complains about the women trying to rule the group. Kathryn voice-overs that they've split right along gender lines. Shasta. Speakerphone to mission board from last week. "You all have to marry each other," says the former cast member dude whose name I don't care enough to look up. Moving blue Brady Bunch squares. Theo thinks the wedding mission is awful. "Guys, don't screw it up now, cuz this is our final mission," urges Kathryn. Kathryn has lots of urges. Last time I'll have to see this intro ever again. Baby steps, people. Baby steps. "Things are a little different." Yes they are, Road Master. This week the tears are from happiness.
On the Shasta. Voice I Don't Care About tells the Six of Suck (well, Five but that doesn't alliterate) that they've accepted their marriage mission. Graphic of Stupid. One more thing I won't miss. "Get Married In 24 Hours With A 5000 Dollar Limit." fucking cameracrew will have the whole thing on tape isn't quite enough proof for them. Anything to try to beef up this lame-o and not make it look like Extreme Synchronized Swimming all over again. You know what would be a better mission? If the kids had to marry former Mission Mayors. Kathryn and Heel Cancer Boy. James and Fat Calvin. Holly and Picabo. ("Yes please," says Picabo.)
James is sitting up front taking notes. Or maybe he's just writing "Theo + James" over and over. BlahVoice goes on to say that they have to marry within the group -- Theo is used to marrying within his own family, so that's not a problem -- and further, that they have to check their email for more rules. They do. Email. They have to formally propose to each other once they've decided on the couples. They have to arrange flowers, music, cake, photos, etc. Kathryn asks, "Who's getting married?" Holly goes Upper Bunk Scaryteeth, wringing her hands. Kathryn smiles. Theo complains. James names possible couples, going bugged-eyed, skirting around naming his dream coupling: the Road Rules marriage that darest not speak its name. The Music Of My Acid Reflux. Theo floats over three split-screens of L.T. and Kathryn. "If I had my choice to put a nail in the entire Laterrian / Kathryn coffin, I would have had them just hitch it at the end." That's Theo, still subtly trying to push his rejected coffin mission from last week. Let it go, Theo. Anyway, MTV already stole it for use on Fear. >
In typical non-linear B/M fashion, the kids now pair up. Witness the most touching marriage proposal scene since Grumpy Old Men ( I just made that up, I've never seen the movie, I just like saying "Grumpy Old Men"). It's Msaada and James. "You wanna go for it?" she says. James, wearing a duck-hunting hat for some reason (probably because it has Theo's scent on it and he misses him, way over there on the other side of the Shasta), replies, "Let's do it, dude." ExpositionLaterrian floats, explaining that James is marrying Msaada, he is marrying Holly (he almost shivers in distaste when he says her name -- or maybe he can still taste his own urine), and Theo is marrying Kathryn. Random shots of each of the fake couples happily doing something. Holly and L.T. walk down the street, Holly showing off her aluminum engagement ring. The kids leave the Shasta (what's that saying about rats and a sinking ship?) and get on a plane they've chartered, for time's sake, to Vegas. G of S, with a little icon of B/M's new sponsor, the Cobalt Card, reads, "Total: $1800." Dude, I'd spend that much just to avoid flying Southwest too. Flying. Flying. Sixties music, for some reason. Split-screen landing in Vegas. Van to hotel. "Las Vegas, here I am," yodels Theo. "Please leave now," replies Las Vegas. Checking into hotel. They open the door to the one room they're all apparently sharing. "Oh my God," they exclaim. G of S tells us the room is $250. Kathryn works the phones, trying to find a limo. She talks to someone named "Lou," just so you know. He only has $85 limos for that night, instead of his $35 ones. The kids veto that. Kathryn tells James to go shower. James protests. Holly says they'll call a cab so he needs to hurry. James bitches that they can't fit more than four in one cab. He lies down on the bed. Holly comes back with, "No, we can get a van." James' smart retort: "I don't wanna go around in a vaaaaaan." Man, I'm going to miss his lightning wit. How much of my fucking life has this dude wasted with his idiotic, two-year-old blatherings? Months, if you total it up. At least. Maybe a year. He owes me big time. Kathryn tells him again to go shower and he claims it takes him two minutes to shower. (That's why his feet look like rotten figs.) I used to complain about having to shower...but then I started nursery school. James wants a limo. Kathryn floats about no one being able to agree on anything or get along. That really could have been in reference to any episode this season. Holly floats, "Maybe we're trying to control the wedding, but if we left this up to the guys, it would be complete chaos." Well, at least then it would match the show's editing.
So, after some haggling, they agree to get the limo. Ooh, ready for a triumvirate of B/M product placements? Go! Glam shot of American Express Cobalt Card. Long close-up of Sports section of USA Today; Laterrian is reading it. And Kathryn's gratuitous announcement to the limo place that they're going to "The Little White Chapel." G of S: " Total $2130." When Kathryn throws a question to the group about the chapel, Laterrian pipes in that they're taking the whole thing way too seriously. What's shocking here is that Laterrian was able to pull himself away from the riveting journalism of the USA Today. That's the shocker. He says that it's obvious to him now that weddings are for women. The women happily agree. Good one, L.T. Stunning revelation. he's going to claim that little girls like ponies. So James does something truly sad: he walks into the room dripping with soap, and says, "Did anybody order a stripper?" Everyone answers, "No." Oh my lord, he's trying to steal some of Theo's thunder with the stripping last week, and Kathryn's with the strategically placed shaving cream. He looks briefly disappointed when he sees that Theo is not in the room. The girls tell him that the limo is there; when questioned he says that he can indeed shower in three minutes, but he can't bathe in three minutes. Someday I'm going to run into James and demand these hours of my life back. Holly lies on the bed, her shirt almost lifted over her breasts, looking like she's pinching a nipple. That's the kind of nudity this show needs, not phones up Theo's ass. Man, this season should have been called Maximum Homoeroticism, instead. Kathryn goes on a "fuck"-filled tirade about how they've been in the room for forty-five minutes. Holly mocks her swearing, saying "bleep, bleep, bleep." Just go back to massaging your nipple, Holly. Kathryn fake-screams...
...I, for really scream: Theo is in a bubble-filled bathtub, while James dries off. Oh. My. God. Everyone is now in the bathroom. Theo is saying that they need to leave his "clean ass" alone. James whispers, "Never." Theo is in a towel now, covered in bubbles. James laughs, and lovingly wipes bubbles from Theo's chin. I'm not kidding, folks. Laterrian is dressed, and feeling queasy; he turns away from the scene but can't bring himself to leave the bathroom. Msaada does leave the bathroom, saying, "Peace out." Theo, only his face visible from deep within the bubbles, says something about cleanliness and godliness. Theo and James bathe together in Vegas, folks. Apparently they really want to go out with a bang; or come out with a bang. I'm not sure which one. The girls can't stand all the man-love, and they head down to wait in the limo. Holly, shot from below and standing by a clock on a street later that night, talks about how the guys aren't "keen on getting married." We cut -- Holy Shit! Split-screens. James in the tub. Theo takes pictures. Let's see...they have three girls all feeling romantic with the wedding-vibes waiting together in a limo, one of whom was just massaging her own nipple, and instead they decide to frolic together in a bubble bath? Shot of James, splashing in the tub. Splashing. Just throwing bubbles in the air and splashing about. Maybe Theo is under all those bubbles, or James is two years old. Either excuse ain't pretty.
James floats that while the girls are loving the white dresses and flowers thing, "for the guys it's just kinda one big bachelor party." Now y'all, I've only been to a few bachelor parties, but at no point did I sit with other guys in a bathtub and wipe foam off each other's chins. Call me crazy. The girls wait in the limo, not nearly having the rollicking good time the Boys in the Bath are having. Theo now floats that the girls are being selfish. Oh Jesus, stop it, B/M: Theo walks by James in the tub, telling him he's overflowed the tub. James replies, smiling, "I overflow everything I get, don't I?" Help me. Help...me. Limo of Wait. Msaada says that she trusts Laterrian and that he'll get them down eventually. I don't think even L.T. has the power to stop boy-time bath fun. Holly says that L.T. "starts getting pulled in...sucked in." I'll leave that one alone. The boys. James and Theo in robes, Laterrian still dressed, thank god. They toast each other. And again. Limo shot slides into the screen. Holly says, "Time is running, boys." And...commercial. This is the last first commercial break of the season. And this one is earlier than most. Oh, I'm going to miss the sweet release of the first break. Always so needed. Always so welcome. We started with The Lyricist Lounge Show and "Route Sixty-Six, please!" and we end with Cotton and some racing game. No matter the product, it always spells sweet relief. I'm going to go buy some jeans at K-Mart just as thanks.
It's odd that three such strong girls would enable this kind of behavior from Theo and James. I mean, remember when they waited for two hours in South Africa while the boys drank at a bar? My ass would have commandeered that short bus and left the idiots to ride a donkey to the hotel. I'm just saying. Okay, we're back. The boys, the two still in robes, make it down to the limo, cussing and bouncing off one another. I understand that L.T. sort of had to bond with the twins, but I'll bet you a dollar that today he looks back on his bonding with them with more than a little shame. Surprisingly, the girls welcome the boys into the limo with smiles and kind words. Either they're being wimps, or B/M is fucking with the time-line again. (No!!! Couldn't be.) The Cobalt Card G of S says that they've now spent $2210. Nearly half their money. Photos. The Music of my Pink Eye. Montage of driving down the Strip. The kids stick their heads out the sunroof. Unfortunately, no low overpasses are nearby. The Little White Wedding Chapel. James and Theo dance down the front awning-covered hallway. They're being sort of funny here with their sheer ridiculousness. It's like when you catch someone like Gallagher on TV, if you watch long enough you can't help -- through sheer repetition and disbelief that he's still going at it -- laugh. That's what it's been like watching these two this season. They meet a stern but funny woman named Billie, the Wedding Coordinator. Immediately, James starts fucking with her and being stupid...I mean, being James. Meanwhile, the others speak to Owner/Minister Merle; the wedding will be at ten that night. Inside. The girls stare at the flower arrangements for sale (everything one needs to get fake-married is available here) and Holly starts jumping up and down she's so excited. Fake marriage is a beautiful thing. (Her excitement here is actually pretty cute.) Outside, James complains to Billie, "...the chicks of our group are pretty much running our lives and I don't like it." Billie tells him he's talking to the wrong person because she rules over her husband. Hee. James is stunned. Not everyone is James' buddy. Damn, that stings.
Inside. Music. Holly is peeing in her pants. "This is, like, the ultimate playing house." I thought Holly was used to playing doctor. Holly is very cute in this. (I'm sorry.) Kathryn is also glowing. Msaada is on the B/M cutting room floor, as usual. James asks Billie for a white suit with tails and a cane. She diplomatically replies that they are still going with the notion that the girls are wearing white and therefore the boys are wearing black. Theo says, "I'm actually thinking that I'd rather get a D.W.I. than get married to one of these women." I'm sure James can loan you one, Theo. Kathryn tries on a dress; she looks very nice. She floats about picking out a big "Barbie" dress with a long train and tons of glitter. Sounds like she's playing with P-Funk, rather than getting married. James pisses Billie off with his constant babbling. Ha. Msaada wears a dress with her arms crossed, looking very unhappy. She says that she feels uncomfortable because she doesn't like dresses very much. And perhaps she doesn't shine to the notion of pissing all over the entire institution of marriage. Maybe that's part of it too, B/M. Holly emerges in an "Audrey Hepburn" dress. She twirls, squealing. Then she jumps up and down, squealing. If her head starts spinning around, I'm switching channels, y'all. Tux "store." Theo complains that the colors are boring, that there's no "fuchsia or, like, magenta." James agrees. Man, last time I heard two guys in a store complaining about finding no fuchsia I was in the bedding section of Macy's in the West Village. Billie tells James to change and asks if he has "undies" on. James whips around and opens his bathrobe, revealing boxers, saying "Undies? You mean, this?!" Really, he's about seven. He makes no sense. My cat stepping on my keyboard makes more sense than he does. Billie is less confused than just unimpressed. She says, "You didn't surprise me, honey. I got a man." Ooh, burn! Burn Bur -- Huh? That makes no sense either when you think about it. Best not to think about anything with this show. James tells Billie he's looking for "something spicy." Theo holds up a sign saying, "Theo Esta Muy Caliente." James bitches more about wanting a top hat and a cane. Billie walks away. Laterrian floats, "James is just losing his cool. Being, like, a little baby. Being a jerk." I think James lost his "cool" for the day when he took a bath with Theo. He continues to harp on wanting something "wacky," and Billie finally says that he needs to remember that he's marrying "a beautiful woman and [he does] not want to upset her with something too wacky." Theo chaws that they might have to go somewhere else. Theo, the tough negotiator. The three boys are left alone, and James complains about them having no cane and Theo complains about them having no colors and Laterrian tries to reason with them and they all talk at the same time and I just get up and walk out the front door. I walk around the block, go down to the store, get a cup of coffee, read The Economist from cover to cover, check out a late showing of Meet The Parents and come home. The three boys are still all talking at the same time. James grabs Laterrian by the face, but Laterrian quickly grabs him by the collar and asks him to think "time-wise and money-wise." Theo looks on, wondering if he should be jealous of the touchy-touchy. L.T. shakes a silent James back and forth. Go Laterrian. Finally. After five hours of bullshit, Laterrian gets James calmed down. This is like the Extreme Babysitting mission, only with James and Theo as the UglyTwins. James gets in the limo. Kathryn sizes rings. I size nooses.
The boys, sitting in the limo, tell Kathryn that they're having a group meeting and that they'll be done in "two seconds." As the girls talk to Billie, the sky growing dark, James says that they are all lucky, and they need to live it up. He goes on, "No slimy, greasy tuxedo chick and no three other girls are going to bring me down, dude." Laterrian smiles stupidly. What's wrong with Laterrian? Seriously. Theo now: "Trudy, you can have those missions, dude, you can have those missions, but not this mission. This is my mission. And I'm taking it back, dude." Attica! Attica! Fucking inspiring, that Theo, with the drunk limo yelling. Laterrian nods and drinks. I shake and drink. (Oh, and, um...who's Trudy?) Inside, the girls pay the $2100 for "Rings, Flowers & Ceremony." (Their total is now $4610.) And...commercial. Oh no, I'm not talking a commercial break. No. Why bother to break for commercials, says B/M. Shot of the card. Kathryn is the chosen pitch-woman. "We're going to use our Cobalt Card to pay for this. The Cobalt Card, it's a new, um, online...we actually have the first one." She fucks up the pitch. B/M dock her pay and make her do forty push-ups. Holly takes over, shaking in fear of getting it wrong. "Online bank," she says. That's it. Ha. Fuck it. Nevermind. We saw the product. Move on. Same shot of Holly with the clock in the background from before. She says that they're behind schedule and that they should be back at the hotel getting ready. Laterrian asks Billie about getting a tux for James. She replies, "If we can get a muzzle on him, it'll take me seven minutes to get him fitted and ready to go." Theo wants to let them know that James really doesn't like being muzzled as much as other stuff, but thinks better of it.
The kids are all in the limo, and James is still complaining. Wasting our lives, y'all. He babbles about there being no Jacuzzi or strippers. Theo starts grinding and taking off his pants, but Holly waves him down. Kathryn floats that this is their final mission and yet they're still fighting. Theo, drinking champagne, asks, nonsensically, "What's so PC about this whole thing? What's so PC about this? There's nothing original about this, there's nothing creative about it. This isn't something that no one's done before, you know." James steps in like a good companion should, talking about how there is nothing wacky or crazy about this and, therefore, what good is this mission? Holly goes the most Scaryteeth ever, as commemoration of this last episode, "Do something crazy...whatever." Theo says to hell with the price range, arguing that if James wants to spend "a thousand bucks on the funnest [sic] thing he could ever imagine, then it's mission money." James yells about wanting a tux he likes no matter what the price. They are really working as a unit, now (heh, unit) as Theo busts in that he'll even chip in money so that they can all have a fun wedding. Kathryn gives in, floating that when she's in a group she likes to control things, and maybe she's doing it here. Laterrian, Holly, and Kathryn are all one side of the limo, letting us know, in essence, that Msaada is totally being framed-out now. Or Msaada hitched a ride back to L.A., which would make me, and most everyone else in America, happy. So Kathryn totally relents, saying (which is not an awful point) that if she was not allowed to pick out the dress she liked that she'd be unhappy, as is James now.
The whole time Kathryn is pussing-out, Holly is sucking on her finger. She's got ants in her pants in this episode, boy. James floats that Kathryn finally relented. He goes on to say that she realized the "guys" can handle responsibility. He says, "If you put it on our shoulders, you know, we'll be able to come through." Of course. And their behavior thus far proves that how? These boys couldn't organize a game of tic-tac-toe, let alone a wedding. Holly voice-overs that now they are all on the same page and will just have fun. Leftover music from the Africa episodes. Split-screen Montage of Getting Ready. James in black, non-fancy clothes and sunglasses. He asks for Theo's opinion. "Hot," says Theo. Of course he does. Ha. The G of S gets snarky and says, "'Wacky Outfit': $200." Hee. Very wacky, James. The kids get in the limo, which we are told is costing them even more money with the increased usage. Man, tallying up the Cobalt Cash is fucking exciting, yo. I'm at the edge of my seat. Can They Make It? Do tell! They are now at $4970. So close! Kathryn in the limo. "Once again the culminating sentence of Road Rules: 'What am I doing?'" Man, not only does that sentence make no sense, but she's about as good at starting catchphrases as the Road Master; the other girls don't even respond. Four split-screens of neon landmarks. The Music Of Impending Panic Attack. Little White Chapel. Shots of the kids dressing. Everyone looks nice, except for James in his narc outfit. Shit, Laterrian is wearing a fly-ass zoot suit. Very nice, L.T. Somewhere, Edward James Olmos is crying. James talks to the camera, reading some scripted B/M bullshit about how this last mission incorporates a lot of his fears, but deep down B/M knows there's no way to make this mission exciting so they just cut away. Boys at the alter. James is nervous. Kathryn: "I am so freaking out." B/M tries one last time. James says, "God bless all of the free young men out there." Yeah...the ones not getting themselves horribly drawn into a fake marriage that'll last less than twenty-four hours. Hear that, James? That was my violin playing just for you...I just lit it on fire and threw it under a speeding Amtrak. You owe me a big chunk of the Year 2000 back, you bastard. Commercial. Fuckin' A!
Organ music. The girls walk down the aisle. First Msaada. James voice-overs that he gets along best with Msaada. Since when?! We never saw that. He goes on to say that he thinks they'll continue to be friends, as she has a lot to teach him. I hope she's charging him big-time for lessons. Holly . She says that Laterrian and her have had their differences but the "marriage" has brought them together. Something about them having been brought up differently. Well, they both have been brought up to think they're princesses. Theo is not wearing shoes. Why would he be? Kathryn voice-overs, "Theo is just overall a good guy. He has a really good heart." She thinks of other good things to say about his intelligence and people skills, but quickly thinks better of it. Man, what a half-compliment. My old dog had a "good heart," but he still bit me eight times and tried to fuck the toaster. So Minister Merle starts a speech about it being a "great privilege" to do the ceremony, and as he says things like "love, the greatest gift of all" and "no matter what, the two of you will stay together," I feel dirty and have to go lie down for a while. How could B/M be so tacky? I'm not even religious, but this nearly takes the B/M-sucks cake, despite nine years of crimes against television. Man, B/M is really choosing to take this season of suck out to a highly sucky note.
So Merle asks the men, one by one, to take the women as their wives. They all affront God and agree. They exchange rings. Msaada looks sick; her Daddy is not going to like this, man. "Theo, with all my heart I love you," lies Kathryn, in a church (of sorts). George Burns waddles out and bitchslaps her for blasphemy. Msaada trips over her part of the sacrilege, "love, honor, and cherish you." Maybe she thinks that if she fumbles on the words she won't go to hell. Holly now: "With this ring and with all my heart, L.T., I marry you." Merle says some shit and now they're married. "Please, sir. Now...you can kiss your bride," says Merle, semi-whispering and drawing out the words in a very creepy way. Merle is a skeeze, man. So anyway, they all kiss the girls on their cheeks. Well, that's some fake-ass shit. Photos. Cake eating. Msaada in sunglasses. Hiding the shame. More cake. Group shot. Mission completed. Six points received. One segment closer to my release.
The Music Of Impending Freedom From Monday Nights. Montage of Returning to Los Angeles. Plane. Sleep. Hollywood sign. I can't see my apartment in the shot. Good. B/M didn't steal my soul. Kids on a dock somewhere. A sign says Catalina, but I hope it's just the boat to that parabouncing island, or otherwise B/M is pulling some more crazy time-line bullshit. The kids wait around, talking. G of S: "Handsome Reward." Here comes George Clooney down the street. Oh no, it's actually a Brink's truck, driving towards them. The kids cheer. Theo says something. I choose to ignore him. Just practicing for my freedom. The Mission Board from last episode gets out of the armored vehicle. Everyone hugs. Some old cast member asks how the wedding went and wants to see the "proof." The kids hand over pictures and certificates...as opposed to the last twenty-four hours of tape from the B/M camera crew. Naw. That's just too sensible to fit into B/M's sad little world. Expert notary that he is, the old cast dude declares that the documents are "valid" and hands out the six coins. In one of the most stupid moments of the season, the kids put their coins in a little piggy bank, and then throw it up in the air. The bank breaks. The kids see all their coins from the year...which they now have to pick out of the dangerous shards of broken pink ceramic. Theo yodels to the camera, "It's kind of wild seeing all the coins out at one time." He says something about each coin being symbolic of a different point in the season, and a different "fear" overcome. Theo trying to work with the "overcoming fear" theme of Road Rules 9. I would say the theme was more, "Being as petty as possible, as often as possible." Either that or "Man-Love." We read that the kids got $97,000 total, or $16,180 each. So the former losers lead the current losers to the back of the Brink's truck and warn them to "give them (?) some room." So a "guard" opens the truck and...three balloons trickle out. The rest just stay in the truck. Good move, B/M. Oh fuck me. The kids are handed six huge, fake Cobalt Cards. Oh Jesus, B/M. Just when I thought there was no degree of tastelessness beneath the one on which you were dwelling with the fake wedding, you go and one-up yourselves. Huzzah! Holly floats, looking like she's been crying -- like she was pleading not to have to do this but lost -- and talks about how they've been given Cobalt Cards, which they can use to shop online and "pretty much anywhere." Theo goes Jethro-style when he says he's going to save for a rainy "tsunami" day because he's "got a lot of mon-ey." Group shot with the fake cards. Freeze frame, like CHiPs. Pretty sad -- the last stupid shit that crack B/M editing squad gets to do. Good work, boys. Now back to solitary confinement for you all.
So we're at Antonio's Pizzeria and the Catalina Cabaret (ah, I guess we're on Catalina Island, and it makes no sense that they'd send them the three hours' boat ride back here after the O-Town mission, which, if that's when this took place, would make everything very, very confused indeed) for the "Final Dinner." The kids go into a shitty little back room, where there are candles on the table and wine, and they all "ooh" and pretend that this is a nice send-off. It's not. It's a shitty, cheap fucking send-off, perfectly in line with their shitty Cobalt Cards. A waiter brings one small plate of fried crab legs or something. And that's it. Fucking awesome dinner. No thanks, I'm stuffed...from the one-and-a-half crab legs I got. Laterrian says that this makes him feel like there has to be at least another week left. You fucking shut up with that, Laterrian! I'm serious. Babbling that I can't understand. Theo, wearing the only good body mic (or maybe he still has that phone in his ass and we're picking up sound from there), says that everything is "cyclical." Where the fuck did Theo learn that word? Sure, it doesn't apply, but it's an impressive word for him to know. He goes on to say, "Man, dude, I don't even know what I'm going to do whenever when I go home, yo." (Subtext: "I have no plans so, like, James, I could go up to Berkeley with you and hang for a few months, if you want.) That persistent Graphic of Stupid: "A Gift From The Roadmaster." Someone brings in a photo album. Ah, shit. We don't even get to meet his Bloated Ass. Hey, maybe B/M stuck him in some episode just to fuck with us. Maybe he was Fat Calvin! Yeah. I'll bet. So the kids crowd around L.T. as he opens the book to a shot of the six of them. "Ah, that's a great one there, yo." The Music Of A Totally Unmoving Split-Screen Video Montage Of The Whole Season. The kids all meeting by the side of the road. The kids now looking at the photo album. The balloon walk. James jumping around he's so excited. L.T. walking. Making it. James scared. Winter Games. Luge. Theo falling. The kids laughing at the pizza joint. Fugitive mission. Kids falling. Holly now laughing. James breaking the truck. Back to the present in the pizza joint: the PizzaKids laughing. James freaking. Shitty balloon-drop in the short planes. Kathryn flying. Stee disappointed as none of the planes go down. Kathryn sad in the Shasta. Oh, she's talking to L.T. This is after the T.G.I. Friday's bathroom incident where "nothing happened." Extreme Babysitting! James holding the little UglyBoy who's making the crying, shaking lip noise in his ear. Hee. PizzaKids. Laughing. L.T. says, "Oh my God." The kids piecing together that they're going to South Africa. (At the time they didn't realize they were going to be there for a fucking year.) Shark feeding. Shot of PizzaKathryn laughing inappropriately -- bad edit #792. James with the VuVu whiteface. Theo and Laterrian bugging out on the mission. Oh. We know what's coming up...Yes! The waterfall, the waterfall! Theo and Laterrian romp shirtless in the water on what will forever be known as "the best day of their lives." Msaada crying on the Balcony Discussion of When, lecturing James. Theo and his momma jumping from the balloon; missing her stories on the TV. Theo says the scars are being healed every day. Holly cries, in a scene I certainly don't remember, and I think I'd know better than almost anyone, unfortunately. She brats, "I feel completely displaced in this entire group, and I hate being here." Mutual, Holly. Mutual. Holly hugs James after she sulks her way into the Top Gun plane ride. She's very happy. Msaada and James hug somewhere. Theo and Kathryn hug after he bullied her into admitting the L.T. ho-down. L.T. and Msaada hug. The kids on the Shasta cheer, "Nine!"
Back to the Pizza Joint of Cheap-Ass Send-Offs. "What's ?" asks James and Laterrian, Theo closing the photo album. The moment is all "poignant" and shit, but I think in reality they're asking, "What the fuck are you going to feed us , those crab legs can't be it!" The kids sit again, and Theo makes a toast. He says that he's learned a lot, and they've become a family, and "here's to [them]." Yes, a dysfunctional, scary, avoid-that-house-at-Halloween kinda family, but a family nonetheless. They all toast, as Theo says, "I wish it were another ten weeks, baby." They immediately stab him with their forks. Shot of the moon. Whatever. Best throw all the stock footage you got in there, B/M, only a minute or so left.
Airport. Hopefully final G of S of all time reads, "Goodbye." Oh man, I'm getting teary...oh no, that's just an allergy attack. Phew. Planes. The Shasta on the curb at LAX. Laterrian and James hug. Theo comes out of the RV and joins them in one big Man-Hug. Whoa. As Theo grabs them, James shuts his eyes and opens his mouth in ecstasy. Theo begins a long speech. Just as a goodbye gift, I'll try to get the whole thing down: "It's cool what life does to you, you know. It's cool how life takes you different ways and whips you around, you know, like leaves in the wind. It's cool how life can just set you on a breeze and show you your country, you know, and, uh, and whip you from here to there. And have the most fun, you know, that you've maybe you've ever had. And learn the most about yourself that you've ever learned. And then you're right back where you started, you know. But you're not, because you're so much wiser and so much stronger and have learned so many things about yourself and have made mistakes and have learned from them." Man, Theo should write that down so L.T. can sit home Saturday nights with a cup of cocoa and underline the important passages. So during that, we get another montage. Shasta-drivin' rambling montage. The kids at some nice red rocks. Kathryn drives. Mountains. Rain. Theo and Msaada slap hands in the RV. Shasta. And back to airport. What a half-hearted montage. More hugs. Boys again. Theo and Kathryn. Theo and Holly. L.T. and Kathryn very awkwardly hug. The kids have this idea that this should be touching and meaningful and sad, but it's so not, and thus they're pretty bewildered. Theo's speech ends now, thank God. Theo grabs his bag and walks away. Msaada calls him back for a hug. He says that she's the first person and now the last person that he hugged on the trip. "That's it," says James, disbelieving, watching Theo disappear into the terminal. Watching Love Disappear. Plane. Blackness. Over. Wow. Man, B/M didn't even try with this one. The kids didn't even try. No one cared. Jesus. That was about as touching as the final episode of Step By Step. And I'll miss this show about as much. Well...almost as much.
Over credits, the kids in the Shasta singing the "Lonely" song from one of the first episodes. Everybody's laughing. Everybody's happy. They finish. MTV logo. Laterrian begins to say how "the lyrics are so true," but they cut him off mid-word...and we're done. That's it! We end this season on a technical fuck-up from B/M. Couldn't be more fitting.
Well, hell. It's over. That's great news. I guess I'm going to miss these kids in a very weird way. And while it really was a pretty fucking lame season, I have to put most of the blame squarely on the neglectful shoulders of B/M. The storytelling, the editing, the missions -- just bad. Just bad, bad, bad. If they don't care, stop doing it. But don't put out season after season of this sub-par crap. I think these six, while mostly horribly annoying, could have generated a bit more drama and intrigue and fun were B/M not the fucking tools that they are. The six, while obnoxious and whiny, are certain not boring -- they are big personalities and deserve a little better. And I know I talked crazy shit about them, but I did come to appreciate them all as characters, if nothing else:
Msaada. Obviously one of the most loved B/M-ers in history. Poised and smart and funny and alive. While I do understand Theo's off-air comment of "Mmmmboring" -- purely in terms of how she was portrayed -- she was obviously kept off the air by a retarded B/M staff that chose instead to focus on some of the other more gregarious personalities. Understandable? Maybe. Stupid? Yes.
Kathryn. You know, despite all the shit-talking about the hook-up, I really don't mind her that much. Yes, she came across as spoiled with this fake-deepness covering a deep well of shallowness, but in the end, I think she just has a good deal of growing up to do. And anyway, it must have been hard to come to a show as a spoiled drama queen, and then have to attempt to compete with...
Holly. Oh, Holly. Ms. Scaryteeth, herself. Lil' Holly-ho-ho. I love Holly. I really do. I find her endlessly fascinating. Viewing the cast as characters, she really displayed the most range. From über-bitch to sweet sleeping girl to vixen to jealous retard to Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. She's hard to pin down. Manipulative and annoying as all get out, but foxy. She seems like she'd be quite an interesting person to know -- the kind of person you're just very taken with for a few weeks, until you realize she's driving you slowly, and completely, insane.
Laterrian. I think Laterrian suffered mostly from being in the same Shasta with the corrosive elements that are James and Theo. He seems like a decent guy, if a bit pretentious with the poetry, stuck up with the working-out comment, and stuffed up. Mostly, I'm afraid he's just a bit dull.
James. When all is said and done, James is the type of person you want on B/M shows: he elicits strong reactions. Annoying, obnoxious, crazy immature, deeply afraid of women, stupid, and dangerously emotionally repressed, this typical frat boy made a very interesting transformation -- he actually became less and less three-dimensional as the season went on. Of everyone on the cast, he's the person I'd least want to meet, ever. He has a sweet side, but I think it's hidden under layers of very scary stuff.
Theo. Theo is a really interesting character. Part dumb hick, part nonsense poet, part mild bigot, part dangerous manipulator. As someone else said, this boy needs love, and obviously got some of it from James. Theo is Puck-level entertaining, without being cruel or evil. Watching him follow James around like a puppy, I felt happy that he found a friend...and disturbed that he chose James.
And that's all she wrote! I hope you don't stay up nights wondering what the Cheek Stars of Death were all about. But if you find yourself haunted by burning questions like that, or what happened to the Road Master now that he's jobless, or did Kathryn and Heel Cancer Boy really end up hooking up in New York as she promised him, and you can't sleep, follow me over to the $treet. It doesn't look pretty over there. But seriously, I had a fun ride with y'all. Blah blah blah thanks-for-reading-cakes.
Nighty-Night!