I was going to write a paragraph here about how this is the first time I've ever watched a Road Rules all the way through. I think, however, I'm just going to dive right in. Like a Band-Aid: just rip it all off at once.
Props to stee for promising me that I wouldn't repeatedly slam blunt objects into my forehead if I watched one episode. And stee wouldn't lie, would he? Would he?
Matrix-style opening credits tell me that things are going to be a little different. I guess by different they mean that, unlike other television shows, I'm going to have a hard time understanding what the people on the screen are saying, and I'll get confused trying to figure out which of the small squares that popped up on the screen I'm supposed to watch. I'm surprised they don't have running e-mail messages from mtv.com fans like, "LT is SO FINE!" and "Theo RuLeZ!" the way every other MTV show does. I'm only happy about the credits because I'm now learning all of the names of the cast. Whoa. I've never seen this digitalized freak guy before. The Road Master, or whatever? How do you guys not laugh at this every week? You probably do. Stee sure makes it seem easier to digest in a recap. I had no idea how sad the truth was.
Several small Brady Bunch squares inform me that the kids must be in Hollywood, because they show the Hollywood sign and then several half-naked girls. I know every time I'm there you can't flick a cigarette out the car window without hitting a half-naked girl on the ass. Everyone! Come to California! The rent is cheap and the apartments are fruitful! Naked women use your lawn hose to bathe! Everyone knows how to surf! And people are so friendly!
A woman knocks on a hotel door. Holly opens it, wearing a blue tube top and pants that just about cover her treasure trail. Just about. The girl at the door is Ann from mtv.com and she's here to tell the kids about their mission. Cut to everyone sitting around Ann as she's still firmly protecting her chest with her clipboard. Cut to double-window screen of Ann flipping a pen back and forth as she says something, but we don't get to hear it because Theo floats in, topless, with something smarter: "Ann has come in from mtv dot com and she's actually mtv dot gorgeous." I stare at my computer monitor, frozen for five minutes because too many responses to that statement come flooding in and paralyze my ability to write. I end up just making a sound like, "Chhhhaaewaahaha." I snort, and then have a strange coffee-induced hallucination where Theo is picking me up at a bar and asking if I have an email address at pamie dot sexalicious. I slap myself and dive back into the recap. I guess MTV thinks that people really are just dumb as posts, because everything is said twice.
As Ann (remember, she's from mtv.com) tells the kids, "Today we're going to be playing a game of Truth or Dare," the Graphic of Stupid pops up and says, "MISSION .17 MTV.COM TRUTH OR DARE." Wait, what website again? Ann hears me and says, "It's the mtv dot com Truth or Dare mission." Oh, right. Thanks. Shit. I just forgot again. Ann? Where? What? "And all of these Truth or Dares came in from mtv dot com users." Oh. Sorry. Damn this short attention span your channel has given me! But what's a "Truth or Dare"? Holly floats in (wearing a shirt for those of you keeping score) and says, "Each of us have to [sic] answer Truth questions and do Dares to the satisfaction of Ann." Ohhhh. Truth or Dare! I get it. Ann passes out green slips of paper as the cameraman stumbles over a cord, flips the camera down, hits the boom mic which pops in and then back out of the frame, and finally settles on Holly who is giggling along with the rest of the crew. Holly has stickers on her bare shoulders. Msaada jumps up and down and screams. Whoa, where James was just sitting, it's now Theo. James is now standing to the camera. He is having a hard time figuring out what word "mtv" spells. He's lost without a vowel. "Dammit!" he screams, turning around and giving up on the whole "reading" mission. He punches a wall and curses again.
Cut to the first dare, which is explained in careful detail via Graphic of Stupid as "DARE: TAKE A SHOWER IN A STRANGER'S ROOM." James is covering his face in shaving cream. He puts some in his hair. Cut to James, covered in a blanket, knocking on another hotel room's door. Theo says something I can't hear. From behind the door to room 1904, a woman screams something else I can't hear. Theo leans in and knocks on the door a few more times. James shouts, "Ma'am!" and from behind the door we hear a woman say she's not checking out until one. Theo leans in and knocks again. Theo freaks out and knocks the shit out of the door as James stammers at the closed door. He says the water is out in his room and he was wondering if he could use her shower. She shouts back that she can't let him in because she's in the shower. Theo crawls in and knocks again as James says, "Okay!" and walks off.
James tries a few more doors and then runs down the hall to an open door and tells them that his shower is off and he wants to finish getting the soap off his face. Inside the hotel room, the guests look at each other beaming and then back at James, realizing that they are finally getting on Candid Camera just like they'd always dreamed. They ask each other if they should let him in. "You got it!" the father figure shouts, as if James actually won a mission. He then snaps and says, "You got it, man!" He then goes straight to the phone, calls his mother and says that getting on television in Hollywood is just as easy as everyone said. You just check in, sit back, and wait for the knock at your door. He even wore his good tie and everything.
The music changes to soft-porn soundtrack as we watch James gingerly wash himself in the shower. They fuzz out his crotch. The female guest opens the door, leans into the bathroom, smiles and purrs, "Did you use any of my lotions or anything?" She rolls her tongue around the inside of her cheek as she looks down at his crotch. I swear I'm not making this up. He says he just cleaned himself off. As he stands and talks to the blonde, the camera pans down to James' chest. His nipples have been circled in Sharpie, and the words "Suck These" are written in the middle of his chest, with arrows pointing up to his circled nipples. Who wrote that on him? Theo? Man, this show leaves me confused. "As long as you're clean," she says. "Want me to shave your back?" He respectfully declines. Dude, that could have been another dare completed right there. A total stranger shaving your back in her shower while you're naked? These kids are idiots. James thanks the strangers and walks out still wet. The blonde licks herself again and offers a towel, but James has had enough and runs out. The entire family seems to have no problem with Mom drooling over the frat boy in their bathroom.
Graphic of Stupid informs us that Theo's dare is to "DO A 30 SECOND STRIPTEASE." Theo grabs a phone from the bathroom, holds the receiver in one hand and the phone in the other, and growls, "Yeah." The Graphic of Stupid adds a Part II: "FOR ANOTHER CAST MEMBER."
Cut to Theo topless, with a phone cord around his chest like a sash. Now, I'm new to Theology, but I'm trying to learn the language. Here's what it sounds like he says: "Today's Truth or Dare Day. Now it's time for the big Deezee, the Big Dare, and uh, and I don't have any choice but to literally ball out of control." Oh, God. If he's going to literally "ball out" I suggest some of you close your eyes this instant. Theo walks into the main room wearing a sheet like a toga and offers "the latest in Roman telecommunications." He starts demanding that everyone clap for him instead of using their hands to hide their faces and giggle. Theo begins to wiggle and as someone shouts, "Go, Theo!" the sheet falls from his shoulder. Oh. God. There's a phone in Theo's ass. He's got the receiver stuck in his crack and the main part of the phone attached to his crotch. I can't tell if it's all held together through tape or a jock. It's really hard to see when you're hiding behind your cat. They are blurring the hell out of Theo's crotch, as I guess he might have been trying to reach out and touch someone. Theo grabs Msaada and pulls her into a bedroom as we hear him voice-over, "Basically, I'm pretty much like a walking 900 line." Topless, Theo floats in front of the other embarrassed kids and gives an Arsenio fist in the air while smiling, "It's just, 'Who wants to dance?'" "The Thong Song" starts up in the background as Theo begins giving Msaada her own private dance. With three other people in the room watching. And the camera man. And the sound guy. Ooh. Theo has a nice butt. I'm not kidding. There's this profile shot here of him strutting around, and I'm fixing to call up 1-900-YES-THEO. "We're sorry. The number you called has been changed. Please dial 1-900-HIK-FUCK." They close in on Theo's crotch as he shimmies his chest on the phone cord. Y'all, I shouldn't be this worked up over Theo. I know this is wrong. But dammit, I refuse to be right. He's hot, yo. They did something to his hair or something. Oh, it might be because he's not talking.
Msaada falls back onto the bed and squeals. Theo walks onto the bed, stands behind Msaada (who now has a sticker on her forehead), puts his crotch on the back of her head and sticks the phone cord in her mouth. She screams and he starts choking her with the cord. She reaches out for the others to help her, but they are frightened. Theo is grabbing the ends of Msaada's hair and thrusting his crotch into the back of her head. Weren't people kicked out of the Real World house for lesser offenses? Msaada holds up money for Theo, but the ass-cam is back on so I miss whatever interaction they might have had. As we close in on a slow-motion shot of Theo twirling with the phone thong, Msaada floats in to say she'd like to give Theo props for most creative usage of a phone she's ever seen. Theo hops on one leg on the bed, and from the look on Msaada's face, it's clear she just saw what happens when you call 1-900-DA-TAINT. Someone takes a picture as Theo high-fives Msaada because the thirty seconds are over. Damn, I didn't even get to use my *69 joke.
A giant storm erupts suddenly outside my apartment. God is angry.
Graphic of Stupid tells us that the dare is "KISS THE CAST MEMBER WITH THE MOST KISSABLE LIPS." For some reason this dare has to take place in an elevator. James is still half-naked as Ann explains that they have to decide who has the "most luscious lips" because "James has to kiss that person." Why does James have two dares? After asking if it has to be a guy (it doesn't), Theo notices that Laterrian is hiding his face in the corner of the elevator. "You're trying to hide in an elevator?" Laterrian turns around with the purest look of fear I've ever seen on a man's face. Kathryn raises her hand and says she thinks Holly has great lips. Holly mashes up her face and laughs, because she was just thinking the same thing. Someone says that Msaada has great lips. Msaada puts her fingers to her nose, because she still has the smell of Shitkicker Musk on them and wonders how many dares she's going to have to be in. Msaada begins wiping her face with Theo's Windsong as she realizes she's going to be the one kissing James. A gigantic bolt of lightning goes off outside and I wonder how much longer I'll be able to recap before the powers that be shut off my electricity to save y'all from going to hell. Msaada shakes her head and laughs, because she really doesn't want to kiss James at all, but he's still wet from the last dare (that's what "literally" means, Theo) and he reaches over for her. She keeps covering her face and screaming, "Oh, God!" as if the dare is to let James kiss her where the phone rings. "No limit!" Theo shouts in Msaada's ear. People are telling her to relax. They are still in an elevator. They remind her that she's going to earn money for kissing James and to just think of the money that she'll get out of this. I can think of another profession that uses that theory to get girls to be intimate with men. Someone shouts, "Start!" as soon as they see James begin to caress Msaada's face. They lean in and give the most uncomfortable kiss I've seen since Matt Damon mashes the hell out of Charlize Theron's upper lip in the trailers for The Legend of Bagger Vance. It looks like they're trying to blow air into each other's mouths. In fact, at one point, James starts winning and you can see air from his mouth puff up Msaada's cheeks. This is the worst kiss in television history, but the other kids are squealing like they've got live porn going on in the world's longest elevator ride. Ew.
Theo is on the ground, looking up between them. Why? Why is he doing that? Why is he screaming, "Kiss, Baby! Kiss!" Crazy romantic music swirls as the kids are making screeching noises, and Ann shouts for them to stop. Msaada instantly slaps her hands to her face, falls to the ground and shouts, "Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm gonna vomit!" And that's exactly how my first kiss went. She puts her face in Kathryn's crotch and leans against the elevator wall. James leans over and tongue-kisses Theo to prove that his kisses aren't vomit inducing. James pulls the phone out of Theo's ass, dials a number on Theo's crotch and shouts, "Mom! I'm in love!" Come on. You know that's the scene that was left on the editing room floor. And are they taking that phone with them on the mission? Because if they're not, they really can't get their room deposit back. Kathryn holds Msaada's face, pets and soothes her with, "You're okay, you're okay," like Helen Keller just said "wa-wa." Msaada floats in and says, "At least he didn't try and slip me the tongue. If he did that, I'd kick his ass." Msaada looks up to the ceiling and crunches a potato chip for emphasis. Heh.
Kathryn's dare is "GO OUT IN PUBLIC WEARING A WHIPPED CREAM BIKINI." Did they take these dares from the Purity Test or something? Kathryn instantly declares that the rules don't say she has to be naked under the whipped cream. Holly says she can wear it over her own bikini. This does not make Laterrian happy at all. "Come straight, dude. Come straight!" James shouts. I'm just going to walk away slowly from that one. "Whipped cream falls off!" Holly informs the crowd. James shouts that she should come out "with [her] guns blazing." Holly suggests that she walk around with the can of whipped cream and "reapply." Kathryn says she's going to wear her bikini bottoms. The boys continue to argue until she puts down the piece of paper and snots, "Do you want the thousand, or not?" They stop arguing with her before she grounds them all.
Outside at the pool, the boys boo while the girls put whipped cream over Kathryn's bikini. She's wearing the top and the bottoms, as the camera zooms in incredibly tight to show us. As Kathryn walks towards the street she tells us that she's going to see if she can get people to stop on the road or "maybe cause an accident!" Does this show have commercials? Just wondering.
Kathryn stands out on the street with her thumb out just like she saw Madonna do it once in a video. The cars completely ignore her and drive by. A truck finally pulls up on the wrong side of the street so we can see the driver (because these things aren't planned, you see) and Kathryn tells the driver she's trying to go to Miami. "Not a problem," the fuzzed-out driver says. Kathryn asks if she can get in. "Absolutely." He points at the cameras and asks if he's going to be on the news. Msaada asks if he has any warrants. "No. Wife," he says along with the Graphic of Stupid. That's right. After this? No. Wife.
Kathryn applauds a Pepsi truck as it drives by. Here comes my favorite line. Theo floats up topless and says, "This is just a time to put all your potatoes in a bag and sack up." I laugh so hard that I scare both of my cats and they run around the room frantically. It was the "sack up" hand motions that killed me. Both thumbs down, pointing to your crotch. Sack up, y'all. Theo says that Kathryn was pussing out by wearing the bikini underneath the whipped cream. I guess he does have room to talk.
"TRUTH TIME" announces the Graphic of Stupid. Ann tells the group that James is going to be the first person to choose a Truth. Now, the way it works is you go to the laptop, click the index page on a Truth link, and this causes Ann to go through her notebook and read off a Truth. This new-fangled technology confuses me. Before the Truth games begin, James floats that this Truth or Dare thing is just some time for all of them to kick back, relax, have fun, and take a break from it all. Oh, James. Will you never learn? Ann asks James his Truth question. "If you could have a one-night stand with anyone on the cast, who would it be?" James fiddles with a piece of paper, tosses it aside, spins around and says, "It'd be you, Msaada," and quickly takes a drink of water from his bottle like he's confused on what Frat Game he's actually playing. Msaada laughs and wonders how she got to be the Luckiest Girl on MTV. Man, those kids can trash a hotel room. That place is a sty. Whoa, I just turned into my mother. Sorry. "Shut your hole," Msaada tells him. "Shut your hole." Theo says it's true. "I'm not kiddin'," James says. She gives him the widened-eye, "You're the saddest bastard I've ever met," smile. Oh, then she calls him a "friggin' bastard." I was close. As a cameraman ducks out of the shot, James apologizes for what he thinks. He says, "It's a gun loaded question. But if it happened, I'm a big tits and ass kind of guy," and so Msaada'd be the perfect person. A gun loaded question? Someone else ducks out of the shot while answering a cell phone. Theo jumps on the Hide-A-Way bed, tosses a cushion to the ground, and begins jumping up and down while chanting. Someone give that kid some friggin' Ritalin. James tells Msaada she was eighteen once and probably had her wild times. She gives him a "not that wild" remark and keeps grinning. Theo completely Beavises out and starts jumping on the bed, jumping from one foot to the other like he learned in Cowboy School and smacking an invisible ass while shouting, "Back to the hole," or something. What a tard. James says that even though Msaada is the Reverend's daughter, he's sure she has some "tricks in bed." This causes her to squeal. She says he's wrong.
Cut to James (who I don't even recognize like this) in front of a fuzzy shot of Ann of the Blue Cap as he justifies again that he had to pick someone so he picked Msaada. James looks like he just joined Fight Club, and he's all scruffy and greasy and shiny, and I think there's a bruise on his forehead.
James chucks Msaada on the shoulder and tells her to get in "That old Praying Mantis position." Yikes. Is that the one where she bites his head off? Pan across to Theo jumping on he bed, fist in the air, shouting, "Yeah!" These kids scare the shit out of me.
Laterrian walks over to the laptop to click a link and says, "Lord, have mercy." The Mac starts downloading something to the Stuffit Expander, but all that does is activate the AnnBot Dot Gorgeous to read something off her clipboard. "If you could bitchslap someone in your cast without punishment, who would it be and why?" This is a complete shout-out to stee, who had this very question in a survey he wrote a year ago on his webpage. Except he put "relative." Wait a minute, now that I think about it, the "What relative would you make-out with?" question is on stee's survey as well. mtv.com is watching you, stee, you best watch your ass. Laterrian cheats and says he'd bitchslap himself first. Well, he says he'd bitchslap "moody LT," but I refuse to buy into that dual-personality bullshit. Since Laterrian can't count to one, he then adds "Drunken James" as the person he'd bitchslap. Holly floats a snippy remark about Laterrian pussing out by saying he'd slap himself first. I guess she wanted to hear about how he'd slap her? Laterrian then floats in to say he "didn't sack up" because he didn't say, "I'd smack the shit out of Holly." Sack up? Man. This show.
Ann consults her clipboard and asks who hasn't gone. Uh, isn't the answer like, half of the cast? Just checking. Msaada steps up to the Laptop of Technological Prowess and picks a number. Ann gets out her pointing finger, jabs it at Msaada over and over and asks, "If you had to eliminate one person from the cast, who would it be and why?" Msaada doubles over and acts like she's got to kiss someone again. She screams, looks down, and smiles. "Better come true, kid," someone says. Then we go to a close-up on the finally clothed Theo, who is smiling proudly. Msaada says, "It's just too numerous, dude." Theo gives her an, "Oh, God," as Msaada goes back to the doubled-over laugh. "I have too numerous of a choice." You also have too numerous of grammatical errors, but whatever. Msaada says it's a difficult decision. Holly interrupts. She's sitting underneath the breakfast nook and says in her best sorority smile, "Those of us you're going to pick know, so it's okay, you can go ahead." Complete with head wiggle. Thank you, Heather. "Differences are starting to rub again," Kathryn voice-overs as we watch Msaada think in slow-motion. Cut to floaty Kathryn: "And uh...[sigh]...that's just really frustrating." Close-up on Holly. Close-up on Msaada staring at Theo.
Wait? What's this? It's a car driving off a cliff with a woman's voice-over saying that week is the final episode of Road Rules. I don't understand, is this the new mission? Oh, wait. This is a commercial! They do have commercials! Well, I'll be.
Because we're retarded, we come back from commercial to hear Ann ask Msaada her Truth question again, complete with Msaada's double-over and scream. She stops the laughing Laterrian by saying, "Don't think you're not on my list." He says, "I'm not gonna cry, because, cuz, cuz I am." Cut to same shot of Theo beaming. As Msaada gives Theo the Manson Lamps, Holly voice-overs that everyone knows "who has beef with who [sic] and that kind of thing." If this is the case, then why the hell are they taking so long to answer these questions? If it's not a secret, then why are they laughing and goofing so much just to answer a question they all already know? Man. Holly floats that the entire thing is "antagonistic." Msaada says, "Okay, I'm gonna say Holly, because she just, was just very annoying to me." Shot of Proud Theo again. Ann stirs the embers by asking how Holly was annoying. "Being negative at times." Holly pouts and rocks back and forth under the breakfast nook and at any moment I expect her to start drawing a buttonhook on some paper, babbling about "the people, and the people, and the people." Msaada adds that Holly is "kinda rude sometimes." Okay, we got it. You don't like her. Holly tries to laugh it off by saying that she's "not gonna talk about rude around this group."
Kathryn steps up, and Ann asks, "What is one thing you hate about each cast member?" Right now, stee is kicking himself for being stuck in Wisconsin and not able to answer this question. Like he could stick to one thing about each person, anyway. Theo is jumping on some furniture again. I hate that. Theo asks Kathryn to start off with him because...and these are his words, not mine: "I'm usually the first one to take the medicine. When it's nighttime, I need the medicine." Kathryn wastes no time and immediately busts out with, "Okay, I hate Theo because sometimes he comes to very harsh judgments of other people. And he can hurt their feelings." She started the sentence with "I hate Theo" and then dissed him for judging people harshly? Oookay. This doesn't phase Theo, however, and he gives her the double-hand guns with arms crossed. It comes off less like, "Thanks for sacking up" and more like, "You know you'll suck it later." Kathryn doesn't even inhale before laying into James, who stops her to shout, "I'm all man, baby!" "I hate that your feet are so nasty," she laughs. Pan down to some incredibly gnarly fungus-filled toenails while James tries to defend his funk. Giddy with power, Kathryn continues with, "Holly thinks she knows everything, and that, just, and I hate that about her. 'Cuz she tried to call out Martha Stewart for baking pancakes wrong." "But she did!" Holly screeches. The reading of the slambook continues as Kathryn says that Msaada "bites her tongue too much." I don't know if she means Msaada has an oral fixation or if she wishes Msaada would be as big of a bitch as everyone else. I can't believe you'd hate someone for not saying mean things about people. Whatever. Fire eyes dart across the room and find Laterrian as the target. "Laterrian, your moodiness and your non-communication. You know it's your moodiness. I hate that about you." That's more than one thing, Kathryn. Be careful when you sleep tonight.
Holly walks over to the TruthCom 2000 and clicks a link. "What is the sneakiest thing that you've ever done to someone in the cast?" Holly instantly flips around defensively and says she's never done anything of the sort. This causes Laterrian to jump up and run out of the room screaming with laughter. He comes back in, and we cut to Laterrian on the floor telling Holly he knows she called him "a mother fucker" but that she's never said it to his face. He says that if she wants to call him "a mother fucker" then she can call him one. Holly fingers her drawstring right above her pubes, smiles, and says she thought he was a liar, that's all. "What have I lied about, baby?" he asks. Holly looks away and smiles. "Let's go, guys," Theo shouts. "Ding, ding, ding." Close-up on the mouth-breathing Kathryn. She goes all floaty to tell us, "I've had enough." Oh, God. Suck it up. It's Truth or Dare, you big pussy. "I don't need to deal with this type of dysfunctional-inbred-family stuff." Holly looks all snotty at Laterrian as Ann announces that they have completed their mission. I certainly hope we just couldn't see the truly x-rated mission shit on MTV because that was the lamest game of Truth or Dare I've ever seen. There is no reason they should be bitching. Why didn't everyone have to do a Truth and a Dare? Why did some have two Dares? Why did James have two Dares and a Truth? How long has this game been going on? Why do they keep changing clothes and hairstyles? Why isn't Theo still naked? Ann hands the kids a few coins, and they are quite proud of themselves.
James floats over with a gigantic sigh and says the entire Truth or Dare experience can be summed up on one word: "A mess." That's two, you...oh, fucking forget it. Where's the mess? He says they tried to make it funny, but it became "grotesque." Right.
Back inside the Winnie, the blue-light special is going off. I'm just going to skip how stupid this Road Master guy is. He's all angry at them like he's been trapped in that box inside the Winnie for the entire season. He says that everybody deserves a second chance, but he doesn't give them. I'm starting to think this is how stee would talk to them if he got a chance, though. The Road Master dude tells them that if they want a second chance, they'll have to figure it out. Then he gives them an email address. Because he knows that if he waited for them to figure anything out this season would go on until 2010. They all crowd around the iBook and read mail that tells them where to meet the Mission Board. Someone is encouraging Theo's new-found literacy and doesn't correct him when he reads the address as "Santo Monica."
Several "Hollywood" shots flip onto the screen until the Winnie pulls in front of the LA MTV building. The kids walk into a boardroom and sit down. The "Mission Board" consists of past Road Rulers Vince (from RR 4), Chadwick (from RR 6), and Christina (also from RR 6). As they introduce themselves, we see flashbacks of the three actually completing real missions that might have had some danger and/or entertainment. Flashback bragging. I love it. Vince tells the kids that they have to watch this video that they prepared for them. They all turn from their product-placed bottles of Surge and watch the television. It's a recap of all of their failed missions. There's the failed monster-truck rally. Six points lost. Six points lost on the fugitive mission. The kids are laughing along as they watch proof that they suck. Two points lost on "Traditional Healers." "The Parent Trap" cost them another two points. I get down on my knees and thank Saint Clare, the patron saint of television, that I never had to recap any of these episodes. In total, the kids lost sixteen points, or $16,000 through all of their failed missions. Someone isn't laughing anymore! Vince leans in to tell them why they are all there today: "In the history of this show, no one has ever not received their handsome reward." However, they have a surplus of awkwardly structured sentences. And did Vince get bonus money for saying "handsome reward?" Why is it always the "handsome reward?" Is this a Noel Coward play or something? Crikey. Vince says they're going to get one last chance. "Now here's the rub," Christina interrupts. "You guys have to come up with your own final mission." The Graphic of Stupid seconds that very statement. Aye, there's the rub, indeed. Something is definitely rotten in Denmark, my friends. And looking at floaty James, I'm pretty sure it's one of his toenails. Vince says they have to approve the mission before they just go out and do it. In case we were having sex instead of watching the show, Msaada floats in and tells us, yet again, that the purpose of this mission is to regain some of their dignity. And if you're having sex while watching Road Rules, may I suggest you join in on whatever mission they come up with. Chadwick hands out pieces of paper called "Rules." He says they can't do anything they've already done before. "You can't go skydiving, or any of that s...tuff." Holly looks at Chadwick like Drew Barrymore facing off with George C. Scott. They are given a (close-up on the product placement) Cobalt Card with a $5,000 limit. This is to be the budget for whatever they come up with. Vince tells them to go out with a bang and then lifts himself from the seat and repeats himself while leaning to the side. Christina tells them that they'll have to figure out what "really scares the crap out of [them]." Holly looks nauseous. James looks horny.
As they all pile back into the Winnie, ideas are being shot down left and right. Oh, I just figured it out! I just figured out who Theo looks like! He looks like Bruce McCulloch's "Gavin" from Kids in the Hall. Like at any minute he's going to ask if he can paint a chair. Kathryn suggests repelling down an elevator shaft. James goes off on some crazy description of a mission where they'd have to "get from one place, let's say from point A to point B, and the distance between those two is like, two hundred miles." Uh, isn't that called a "race"? And that's scary how? They all remind James that his idea is not scary and doesn't follow the rules. James throws his hands in the air and says, "Well, anyway, dude, I mean, like, that's just my idea and I'm gonna try and work on it. I'm gonna try and sass it up." As we hear Kathryn tell him that his idea is stupid, James floats over that Kathryn is never going to see his side of things and is going to boss them all around again. Whatever, dude. Go work on your sassy race. "Rock climbing something really weird," Kathryn says, like this is divine intervention. She decides the weirdest thing to climb would be Space Mountain. I wish James would pipe in with "Because Space Mountain is terrifying when you're six," but he doesn't. Theo turns around from the passenger seat, shoves a pillow into his crotch, and says, "Okay, I do not know what would like, be probably, like, one of the most courageous things that all of us could do." "Not talk shit for forty-eight hours?" Msaada sasses. "No, Msaada," Theo chastises. "You wouldn't be able to do that." She says that actually she would, but it's not a very good comeback. Someone makes them shut up. Kathryn floats over that they have to "get it done." Laterrian says he thought they'd be able to "still be a team." I wonder what led him to this conclusion. Several shots of the kids just staring at each other. At one point Holly is either sneezing or crying. I don't care which one, really. Msaada says it's not as easy as she thought it would be. Fade out on several shots of the bewildered cast, wondering how one "thinks" of "a mission." Gah, y'all, it's so hard to think of things that scare you when you're not used to thinking and stuff.
It's time for the commercial dance, people! Rock!
Inside Winnie, Lose or Drawl, Theo starts his dude song: "I got it, dude. Hey, check this out, dude. Purchase six wooden coffins, and we bury ourselves, and we have to sleep in the ground all night." Yes, yes, yes! But tell us where you're buried before you do it, okay? Please? Oh, God, how sweet would it be to Blair Witch the shit out of them all night long? Oh, man. Theo, you genius! Kathryn immediately chimes in that Theo's idea is brilliant and says they'll breathe through a little pipe. Theo gets proud of himself and points around saying, "That's fear! Right there, baby!" Kathryn slowly says, "That, Theo, I think you've had a good idea," because she's not used to saying those words in that order. Laterrian says he's not doing it. Theo screams for him to "sack up." I can't tell what anyone is saying because they're all screaming at each other now. James is laughing, Msaada is flicking Theo off, and Theo is screaming the word "Baby" so many times he might actually be having an orgasm just from completing an entire thought.
Holly and Kathryn decide to be buried for six hours. Theo says it should be longer than that. Dude, even MTV's own Fear makes you do shit for just fifteen minutes. "Twelve," Theo says. "Fuck that shit!" Laterrian screams with an incredible amount of venom. While Holly smiles that Theo's idea is great, Msaada says she's going to get in the driver's seat and kill all of them. That's right! Sack up, girlie! Do it! That is huge! Sack up! No fear! Stay to Play! Pay as you go! Earn as you learn! Fair is fair! An argument breaks out about whether or not being buried alive is "stupid." Msaada says an incredibly long, over-enunciated sentence about how being buried alive is stupid, and Theo counters by saying if Msaada had her way, she'd have all of them staying in a library reading books all night. Uh, Theo? That's only scary to you. As everyone starts shouting at once, the music gets louder, and there's just a swirl of noise coming from my television. I pop three Excedrin Migraine and wish that stee would hurry up and get home. Several shots of the cast looking upset and angry.
Back at MTV, Vince asks them what they've come up with. James offers to go first and gets all nervous like he's about to give a PowerPoint presentation. He stands at the end of the room and gives his idea. He says he came up with "six different events." He then quickly checks his hands to make sure he's holding up one whole hand and the thumb of the other. He is. He looks like he just got back from a Lost Weekend. His idea is basically the Ironman or some other decathlon-type race, where they'd swim (because LT isn't good at swimming), and then, "You could have running, you could have kayaking or canoeing..." He's interrupted by Chadwick asking who's afraid of running. James admits that he's not afraid of running. Vince asks if they've organized that at all. Christina asks how long this mission would take. "Forty-eight hours," James says. "So you're asking us to participate, essentially, in a two-day mission." Vince says that it all sounds very boring. Holly interrupts to say that James isn't speaking for the group and that was just "his idea." She continues with, "We haven't really been able to, cal...cowobberate...on a lot of the stuff." Come on, girl, get your mouth around those big words. James pouts at the end of the table as his voice-over tells us that he thought his idea was cool, but now he realizes it isn't that exciting, but if he were home watching television he wouldn't necessarily turn off a show that had his mission. James, you just figured out the secret of Road Rules. We're lazy, lazy fuckers. And your mission idea is the same as any other mission this show has ever had, so don't feel bad. You'll be working for B/M this time year, I'm sure.
Theo stands up and gives his Harry Houdini idea. Except he's sassed it up with a "funky preacher" and some shovels. He says that everyone is afraid of death. Vince says that it's a good idea, but you know, they could DIE while doing that, and B/M doesn't have enough of money to go around to insure them. Vince tells Theo that he'll have to research it, but he likes it. Research? Whatever, dude. That mission will never happen.
Kathryn stands at the front of the class and announces her idea like she's a motivational speaker. "How many of you are married? Okay. Who's afraid of commitment?" Kathryn raises her own hand. Vince asks, "What kind of commitment?" "Commitment!" Kathryn says, because he's going off her script. Her proposal is "Who wants to marry a Road Ruler." Clearly, Kathryn didn't consult any of the rest of the cast before coming up with her scathingly brilliant idea, because they are not pleased at all. "We go to Vegas. Las Vegas. Like, the town of cheap, fast marriages. Find someone who is willing to marry us for twenty-four hours." This seems scary only to the people that have to marry these assholes. Kathryn says that if within in that twenty-four hours, someone wants a divorce, then they fail the mission. Vince says that twenty-four hours isn't really much of a commitment, unless they are going to have sex with their new spouses. The Mission Panel says they need to discuss the ideas and "talk amongst [them]selves," (read: ask B/M what the mission will really be) and that the cast should go wait outside.
As they walk back to the Winnie, James floats that they need to "step up" now because they've failed too many missions.
It's dark now, and James dials up the Mission Board on the car phone. "The Mission Board...The Mission Board talked to the Road Master, and we've decided to accept one of your missions." Theo brings in his lucky bag of dirt from the back, all ready to sack up. They like Kathryn's idea, and they want them to get married. "But here's the deal: you all have to marry each other. You all have to marry someone else in the group." We immediately switch to floaty Brady Bunch cam as everyone gives their reactions. "You've got to be kidding," Holly snots. James: "I've never been born with a very good vocabulary, but, uh, insanity, dude." I have to lie down for a few moments because the blood from my eyes was getting my spacebar all sticky. Fuck, look at that sentence again. "I've never been born with a very good vocabulary, but, uh, insanity, dude." Did these people finish high school? Kathryn shows off her grammar skillz with, "It may have been my mouth that opened before I thought and said, 'Hey, let's go to Vegas and get hitched.'" This is the same video-editing tool that they use here in Austin to sell cable. "I think this wedding idea is awful!" Theo whines. Msaada smiles and says, "There is no way...in hell...I am going to do this." Laterrian busts out with, "I have no desire to marry Kathryn, even if it's for pretend." Kathryn looks right at us and tells us not to screw this one up because it's their final mission. Laterrian isn't done, however, and ends with, "And I think I would rather drink my own piss and jump off a building than marry Holly." Dammit, Laterrian! Where were you when they were talking to the Mission Board? Drinking your own piss and jumping off a building? Now that takes sacking up, dude! Do you have to drink the piss while you're jumping? Man! That's HUGE.
week on Road Rules: trouble in paradise. The honeymoon period is over before they even say "I do," and the kids are fighting through their bachelor parties, fighting over what the wedding will look like, what they'll wear, and who they'll marry. Then they totally ruin the end by showing who is marrying whom and having the group throw up a sack of coins in glee. So much for any sort of suspense.
This show never ends. During the closing credits, Ann asks Theo who he'd eat if all of the cast members were in a plane crash and he had to eat someone to survive. Theo licks his lips, and the girls start squealing. "Somebody's gotta go," he drawls. He says he'd eat Msaada. "You'd eat me?" "I've never had any, like, South Central food, or like food from the surrounding area." "Dark meat, okay." Theo says he didn't say that. James asks why she's got to make this racial. "Yeah, why you gotta make it racial, baby?" Msaada laughs and reminds us all that Theo wants to eat her, and James wants to sleep with her. She's the luckiest girl at the ball! "I'm feeling good about myself today!" she shouts.
My phone rings. "Hello?" "Hi." "Oh, God, stee. Hi." "You just finished, didn't you?" "Yeah. It was awful. I'm sorry I ever gave you shit about only having a half-hour show. It took just as long as the hour-long recaps. Why do they all talk at the same time? Why is there so much yelling? Why don't they speak English? What's with all of the stickers all over themselves?" "Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay, baby, they're all gone now. It's all over." "Oh, stee, but they just kept talking and bickering and what is up with that Road Master thing? Is that supposed to be funny or scary? Why don't any of them have names that are easy to type?" "You did a great job, I'm sure. Don't worry." "I'm so glad you'll be back home tomorrow so I don't have to do the final episode week. I'm just so happy to be done with this one. I'm just sitting back, having a beer and a cigarette, and feeling so happy about click!]" "Stee! Stee! Fucker."