Previously on Road Rules...hm. There is no "previously." I guess B/M realized that no one gave a crap. Or maybe the show's twenty viewers are all reading our recaps instead. In its place, they rerun part of the "on Road Rules" from last week. A kid tells them that their mission is to "prank The Real World." Melissa (from B/M's favorite show) crabs into her cell phone, "Is this some Road Rules bullshit? Cuz I don't want to play." Julie the Mormon dies of a laughter-induced seizure. The city of Salt Lake mourns, but then quickly goes back to having sex through a hole in a sheet.
The Shasta is illegally and thoughtlessly parked on a residential street, probably on some kid's Big Wheel, as we see the helpful and always oh-so-clever segment graphic, "Get Shorty." Inside, the blue light flashes. Oh, damn it! Damn it all to hell! I thought that since the Road Master was absent last week, perhaps the B/M-holes had come to their senses and edged him off the show. But now I see they were just toying with us. Like James toying with my affections last week, calling me "baby" all the time. Holly, wearing Mardi Gras beads, sits on the top bunk and quickly shovels something into her mouth, trying either to seduce the cameraman she yelled at last week, or to make sure he doesn't try to steal her food. The mood in the RV makes it look as though the kids have finally had about enough of the Choad Master. So the lame actor comes on the screen and asks, "Have you ever done something that wasn't allowed? Like getting caught with your pants down...Theo!" Theo, screams, hides, and then kills a chicken in sacrificial appeasement to the "Scary TV God." (Theo here is also wearing tons of beads, which leads me to a chronological epiphany: This episode might have been shot right after Mardi Gras, which I assume will be an episode in of itself -- at least on The Real World. They are in New Orleans, after all. But why not at least explain or edit around the beads (and, yes, I know tourists in general buy beads there. But still, it's quite disconcerting. Especially the huge beads Theo wears. Then I think of the method by which most girls get the beads in the first place, and shudder to think how Theo got his.) "Remember the time," the Road Master lames on, "with you and the girl across the street." So as he babbles, Kathryn kinda vaguely smiles, but B/M edits in tons of little disembodied giggle noises, trying to carry on the façade that anyone in the Shasta gives a shit about the Road Master anymore, or his little games...or the notion of Theo with his pants down, for that matter. They get split-screen on us as the staring Theo hits his personal Slack-Jaw Best with a record five inches between gapped top teeth and bottom lip. "Oooh, that was bad. That was pretty rough," Theo whispers, like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. "I see rednecks." The Road Master continues. "Well, breaking the rules is not only allowed, it's required." Theo goes, "Whoa," and James, Laterrian, and Kathryn look on, bored. Yeah yeah, they have to check their email. We get the whole thing. Now go on and say your catch phrase...there you go. "Nighty-Night." Yeah yeah, you too, sweet-cheeks. You too.
Msaada shows the right-on judgement to which we've become accustomed by rolling her eyes at the fake Max Headroom she has to put up with daily. "That was wrong," she seemingly says to Theo, but I like to think she was answering the question, "Why the hell did you ever agree to be on Road Rules in the first place?" The email tells them to show up at the Make-A-Wish Foundation to receive their assignment. And they must still "go incognito," which again confuses me. When were they incognito before? And what exactly is he opposite of "incognito"? "Cognito"? Holly gets in a good line when she asks, "What are we doing against the rules at the Make-A-Wish Foundation?" Maybe wishing that the Road Master disappear forever? Wishing that Bunim-Murray pay a little more attention to their show? Wishing that Theo get his tooth-gap fixed? Those are the kind of wishes I'd be making. If I was Msaada, I'd wish to get away from these five freaks before they start to rub off on me. Split screen nonsense as the Shasta drives to the charity. I think I liked it better when they used a constant barrage of pop music to so subtly highlight the desired tone of the segments. It had to have been better than this fake Streets of San Francisco bullshit. Floaty Holly explains what the Make-A-Wish Foundation is. As they enter, Theo yodels, "You gotta come in this place respectful, this is the Make-A-Wish Foundation." He then spits a load of chaw on the floor and tries to rape a chair. So the kids meet a skinny fifteen-year-old boy named Sloan, the new Mission Mayor, having upset Picabo Street in the Mission Mayor Primaries 389,078 to 2. Don't worry, Picabo walked away from office with a fat pension and one of Holly's g-strings. The kids look vaguely concerned, but when Sloan explains that their mission is to "prank The Real World," they freak out; James jumps up and down, flexing his muscles in his sexy yellow t-shirt. The combo of the yellow shirt and the baseball cap -- the logo of which the MTV Nazis have pixelled out -- really works for him. Holly looks strange again and goes Scaryteeth on us as Kathryn stares at the camera blankly. Msaada also looks excited, but I suspect it's because she's planning on getting to The Real World house and immediately defecting, like Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson. The kids have to make their way into The Real World house, kidnap the dog "Shorty," leave some lock-box, take photos at specific locations with the dog, and mail the photos from a certain mailbox by 8:00 PM that evening. James is still fucking jumping up and down in the background, by the way. Oh, and if they are successful, they will get six points towards their "handsome reward." Why is every Mission Mayor forced to refer to it as a "handsome" reward. What, are they going to win Tom Selleck? Behind Sloan, as he reads the instructions, is a huge, creepy photo of an ostensibly sick little girl. It's freaking me out, man. Oh, and they can't break into the mansion; they can, however, "lie, cheat, and steal." "How big is this dog, yo?" asks Laterrian, who quickly goes floaty and says, "I'm thinking, okay, I'm thinking Cujo." And that's it. Foreshadowing? Or the crack B/M editing department. You decide.
Okay, so the kids start discussing the thing at the charity as two older ladies watch from the door. And constantly, during the whole time they babble, we cut to shots of Sloan, listening and watching. He says nothing, just looks increasingly regretful that he's blowing his fucking dying wish on this shit (something I don't believe, by the way. We'll get to that later.) And behind Sloan is this similarly disconcerting photo of a little black girl and a scary Maytag-Man-looking motherfucker. So the kids discuss various methods of stealing the dog. James wants to just run in and grab it while sweet young Kathryn suggests taking the dog for a walk. Oh, um...good idea, Kathryn. The kids now sit around a table, having eaten what looks like birthday cake and piles of beads, as James and Laterrian start talking about breaking down the door and egging people. James' rugby ass is getting all homoerotically excited about the notion of violence; this is the most animated I've seen him, including during the Mating Ritual of the Stupid with Holly in the first episode. (I'm just saying, people.) As James helpfully mimes throwing eggs -- which would accomplish what? -- they cut to Sloan looking particularly put-off, the little black girl also scowling at James' idiocy. Theo fucking loves the idea though, adding, "Dude, if you're gonna go out, go out big." Now, let this moment be instructive, y'all: When you find yourself thinking Theo is really secretly smart and funny and B/M is just painting him in a bad light, think back to statements like this, and then come talk to me. Thank you. Ha -- floaty Msaada chimes in, "God, they're such boneheads." Rock. Holly is holding about a hundred strings of beads, indicating that she must have recently shown her tits to half of New Orleans. Why don't I find that surprising? So, regarding the retarded egg plan, Theo and James are yelling about how that "cannot fail," Theo having all the faith in the world that James would come away with the dog. (I can't believe I'm writing down this shit.) Ha, now Sloan has shifted so right over his confused, sick face is the old white man staring at the camera like, "How y'all doing children? Do you want to make a wish, you little dying bastards? Sure you do!" Sloan cuts through the nonsense by suggesting they go to the house and pretend his dying wish is to see The Real World house. Holly, with the afro-puffs again, likes the idea, as Laterrian frowns. Theo then reminds Laterrian that it is, after all, the dying kid's wish and that he will be participating in the mission. Oh. Okay, then. They head to the Shasta as Theo waxes organizational: "Everything's got to be designated, set up, and ready to rock." That was actually going to be the Boy Scout motto, but they thought it was a bit too wordy. Theo gives the grand tour of the Shasta, pointing out the Road Master's TV and saying, "This is where we eat, sleep, and dookie." Presumably he doesn't mean he dookies on the Road Master, but you never know with Theo.
As the Shasta rolls, Msaada asks Sloan about himself. Oh. Okay. Now this is weird...Sloan had cancer of the heel. Yeah, cancer of the heel. (Am I a horrible person if I say this: Dude! Cancer of the heel! And he's in remission? Why does he get a fucking wish then? No wonder it's such a shitty wish. They only allow heel cancer kids, like, a quarter-wish.) Msaada is very smartly talking to Sloan, asking the right questions and making him feel very comfortable talking about his battle with and his feelings about having the very rare heel cancer. She then asks Sloan why he chose this as his wish, and he replies, tellingly, "As soon as I heard it, I was like, definitely." See? See! This wasn't his fucking wish. Those shitheads at B/M thought they might take advantage of a poor sick kid by making some deal with the charity and getting him or her to take a pity part in their stupid reindeer games. And it's telling that all they could get was a kid fucking cured of heel cancer. All the real sick kids were like, "Fuck that! I'm gonna spend my last days on earth with those fuckers? Someone bring my dying ass a milkshake, yo." Floaty James talks about Sloan's courage, blah blah blah. He wants to make sure Sloan's wish is perfect. Dude, it's so not even his wish! It's a totally....Ah fuck it. You're right, James, I hope the dying kid gets the one thing he most wants in this world above everything else: to be one of you guys for a day. You are just that cool.
The segment is "Casing The Joint" and the Shasta parks near the RW's Belfort mansion. Laterrian and James, well, case the joint, as the rest try to think of aliases for their mission. Theo picks "Lavar Tivadoe [sp?]" because it "sounds Cajun." Okay, Theo. James annoys the hell out of Laterrian with his mindless babble as Theo shoots down Holly's choice of "Nia" as her name...because "Lavar" is so much better. As the boys get to a corner, James suddenly begins gagging and dry-heaving. I don't know if he's acting or what but floaty Laterrian says, "The chances of completing our mission are negative. Negative, okay? Negative." Is Road Rules a good show, Laterrian? "Negative."
Back in the Shasta for "The Plan," James incoherently babbles that if the dog is a Labrador, they can't get it, because they wouldn't want to injure it throwing it up that high. What? I think James has food poisoning of the brain. Two older women -- Ann, the Director of Make-A-Wish and Sloan's mom Rosanne -- board the RV. Kathryn takes control, explaining that the two women will join Sloan, Msaada, Theo as they knock on the mansion door, lay out the "wish," and ask to be shown around. Inside, they will unlock a door and discover where the dog is kept. Kathryn gives James some bacon "just in case you do need meat." Ha. James Needs Meat. Kathryn will be the get-away driver then as the boys steal the dog; one hopes that the others will have been able to lure the Real World kids out of the house. The kids set off as Theo impressionistically says, "This is where the road meets the home, baby." There he is, calling me "baby" again. Holly and Kathryn lurk across the street as the others knock on the door. Good thing Holly and Kathryn are hiding, since the fucking camera crew filming them is invisible. It's one of them invisible camera crews that the kids love so much these days.
Okay, here we go with the Bizarro crossover as we're inside the house where hip-hop albino Christian Matt peeps through the door saying, "Who dat be?" Word to your mother, Matt. Matt is too freaked to talk to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so Mormon Julie answers the door. Ann explains to Julie about Sloan's "wish" as the inside-out-shirted Julie graciously and "totally" lets them in. She's very excited to be his wish. Those Latter-Day Saints do have hearts of gold. Just as long as the sick kid isn't gay -- then she'd have to kick him out and try to change his evil and unnatural man-loving ways. Oh, but there's the gay sweater-loving Danny from the house, so maybe Julie is changing after all. Meanwhile, the RW boom operator gets so confused by the B/M worlds colliding that he forgets where his frame line is and lets the mic slip into the shot for a long time.
So Theo/Lavar and Msaada/Nia (she's Nia now?) come in with the women and the sick kid and are shown around by Danny, Matt, and Julie. Matt stuns our Shasta-livers when he shows them their Sony Robotic Dog, Shorty. Shorty, sitting legs akimbo on the pool table, is maybe dead since Julie, Matt explains, was playing pool and hitting him over and over in the head with the eight ball. Now I'm no PeTA member, but isn't there something cruel -- not to mention scary and stupid -- about hitting a dog, even a fake one, repeatedly over the head with a pool ball? Someone should look into Julie's repressed Mormon aggression. Wasn't she the one cuddling and kissing Shorty in the first episode? Damn. Floaty Theo-with-the-star-sticker-on-his-cheek appears and craws, "Sloan's a clever little cat. He's like General George Sloan Custer." I don't have the energy to react to Theo anymore. Man, he's so weird, he's tiring. Look: Theo says funny things sometimes, but when you think about them, they're not funny funny. They're instead just odd and vaguely amusing since they come from Theo. It's like when a young child first draws a picture of a horsie. It's surprising, and you show it off to your fellow parents, but it's still a fucking ugly picture. Sloan tells someone on the phone that they're all going to lunch so "you need a lot of mice, I guess." What? Mice? Why does everyone laugh at that? I'm sure I should be getting this, or maybe not. Maybe it's a heel cancer in-joke. As they make lunch arrangements, the Birckenstock-footed Theo slyly opens a side door with his self-same hippie foot. Meanwhile, the other four outside make their plans for the break-in and subsequent getaway as they watch the lunchers all drive off. Msaada and Theo double back in a separate car and tell Laterrian and James that it's a fake dog, and which door is open. As Laterrian and James head to the back of the mansion, the sexy Kelley (man, she and Holly would duke it out, boy!) inappropriately and apropos of nothing, asks Sloan, "What do you want more of -- more sex or more rock and roll -- what is it?" "More nudity," says Sloan. Man, if I were Sloan, my dying wish would be a little bit of Kelley. Well...really it would be, "no more heel cancer," but I'm not sure the Foundation could pull either of those off. Ooh, look. In the car, the lunchers have been joined by Real Worlders Jamie the Frankenstein man, and the ever-so-annoying Melissa. Where's David? I want to see him and Laterrian have a "Playa-Off." Get it? Like a playoff, only...Never mind.
Okay. Lunch is being consumed, and oh look, David did join the rest of his cast at lunch. Matt takes photos for his dope website as Melissa scares Sloan by asking for his phone number. Meanwhile, we see Laterrian and James, who is shaking he's so excited, enter the mansion. But, we see this from inside the mansion. So they're not really breaking in! There's a fucking camera crew already inside! Oh, the deception. When will it ever stop!? The bored B/M editing crew goes for some split-screen mayhem as we see the dog thievery (James is really scary-happy about this mission -- it's not cute) and the lunch, with the kids all barraging poor Sloan with self-aggrandizing "so, were we what you thought?!" questions. Man, I'm glad Holly wasn't at that lunch. She'd drive everyone crazy. Though I would have liked to see how the other cast reacted to her. With relief, that she's not in the house, probably. Oh, Christ! Now there are three screens as they also give an unbelievable calculated slo-mo shot of Msaada and David "making eyes" at each other. Sloan reveals that his first wish was to go to the Playboy Mansion. Ha. James says, "This game is over," as he oddly holds up Julie's weapon of choice in the murder of poor Shorty -- the eight ball. So it's goodbye time, and Theo tells Melissa his name once more. "Theo," he says. Oops. Yeah, he's supposed to be Lavar. Oh, thank you B/M. They helpfully remind us of this by doing some DJ Scribble shit on the replay button and having four fucking screens of him saying "Theo" over and over. That better lead to something, his mess-up. Man, Theo is a dildo. Okay, so now B/M goes insane -- literally insane -- with the "special" effects. I have to shut my eyes for a while. What I can gather from peering between my fingers is this: They're trying to make it seem as if the Real Worlders are getting home just as David and Laterrian struggle back over the fence. Are we stupid? A big lunch takes like, what, ninety minutes? How long does the dog-napping take? Five minutes tops. And what's with the "Theo" repetition torture -- see, it's coming to nothing. Brilliant. Or "brill," as the English say. The English also say "lorry" and "telly" and "bollocks." What? Oh, yeah, back to the show. Sorry.
The kids meet back at the Shasta. Sloan tells sweet Kathryn he felt sort of bad deceiving the others like that; she justifies the lie for him. Theo and Laterrian hang out the RV's window. Theo says, and this is word for word, "And I got one, uh, thing for, uh, the, uh, Real, uh, Belfort mansion Real World: Wazzup!" Can that man deliver a line, or what? You know he was working on that for hours, and just choked when the camera was on. He's all hitting himself back in the Shasta, "Stupid! Stupid, Theo. I screwed it all up! It would have been so funny. Stupid!" (I have a theory, by the way. It is simply that Theo is more spunky and talkative during this episode because he's from Louisiana, and feels more comfortable, surrounded, as he is, by his fellow hicks. Just a thought.) "Phase Two" begins as the kids have to take photos with the dog in front of a certain famous house.
Msaada does a kinda stupid floaty thing about the mission being a piece of cake, but she really doesn't look like she's enjoying it. comes floaty Holly -- Whoa! Holly has the Blue Star of Evil on her cheek. Theo must have given her the disease! Oh, christ. Poor Holly. Holly, we hardly knew ye! Anyway, Holly, now marked and certain to die a horrible, ungodly death soon, explains that the second picture has to be with Mike the Tiger, LSU's mascot. Holly is so awkward in front of the camera. I'm actually feeling a little bad for her now. What, with the Scaryteeth and the Blue Star of Evil and the awkwardness and Theo shooting down her ideas and getting no attention this episode -- I almost miss her vile ways. So the kids arrive at the zoo to find Mike asleep for the night. The kids pointlessly yell at the tiger to wake up, unable to comprehend any creature on this planet not hopping to when the Six of Suck come a-calling. It's 7:00 PM and they have one hour left, and we go to commercial.
Yes, Spy Groove and Undressed and The Lyricist Lounge Show are all on. Fine. We hear you, MTV. We just won't necessarily be watching. So desperate, that Ten Spot. "Hey you. Psst. Love me! Watch me! Look. Lookit what I've got. See, I got funny cartoons. I got girls who can barely speak, in bras and panties having fake lesbian sex on soft-lit digital video. Look at me, rapping and acting. Woohoo! Hey, where are you going? Watch me. Watch me! Hey!"
We're back. Matt is playing pool at the house. He suddenly stops and wonders aloud, "Where did Shorty go?" Oh bullshit. Bullshit. I don't buy that for a second. I've seen better performances on Cops. "I didn't hit her occifer...I mean, officer. Blood, on my knuckles? Naw, man, that's was from that time I felled down back then, not from hitting the bitch...I mean, my lovely wife Lulu." Check it: No one noticed the stupid dog was gone so B/M pulled Matt aside and staged this scene. See, I know. Shoot, I didn't get my BFA in Acting for nothing, suckas! The kids still can't get the tiger up, but Holly comes up with the idea of getting a photo with the guy-in-a-funny-tiger-suit mascot Mike, at the baseball game. Oh, and when I say, "Holly comes up with," I really mean, "Bunim-Murray pulled her aside and told her, since the mission was going awry and B/M had no contingency plan…" At the mansion, Matt opens the lock-box to find a CD-ROM. He loads the CD and we first get a very nice ad for Prodigy Internet on their desktop. (Obviously, though this is the "real" world, B/M forbid them to change the image on their desktop from the ad/background. That is very sleezy.) So a video starts and...oh man, it's the Road Master. Ick. I feel bad for the Real Worlders, having to see this. I mean, having your house broken into and your property stolen is one thing, but having to endure the Road Master as well, that's too much for anyone. The four boys watch as Min Headroom babbles about the kids being naughty and how they should check their email and just generally goes way to far with his schtick. FrankenJamie looks amused as David actually looks a little scared. Jamie gets up saying, "That's a cagey dude, right there." If by "cagey" you mean "bloated and annoying," then yeah. Via phone, Matt tells the deal to Melissa, who is out with the two other girls someone. She's mad. Whatever. Julie convulses with laughter. Elsewhere, at the baseball game, the kids take a photo with the mascot Mike. Then they turn their butts to the camera. Speaking of asses, Melissa goes on about the deception. She and Kelley then actually give voice to the fact that Road Rules is obviously so inferior, by talking shit about having to do missions and basically being very dismissive of Road Rules. Ouch. I hear them, though. Man, we suck. What a slum of television this is. They should have a B/M version of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising. Like, the kids should ask to meet with Bunim and Murray, kidnap them, and threaten to kill them if they don't get rid of the Road Master, fire the entire creative staff, and cut it with the Radio Shack effects. See Big Brother top that shit.
As the kids complete the mission by mailing off the package (what mailboxes get picked up after 8:00 PM?), we see a clip of a horrible cable access show put on by the cast of The Real World. The show is called The Real 7 and it gives all those cable-access astrologers and soft-core porn shows a bad name by simply being on the same channel. Jamie and Julie work the cameras as the others talk about the "infiltration" of the house and the theft of their dog. David warns the cast of Road Rules that they'd better watch their backs as Jamie makes a face that proves he really is a bad monster in disguise. In the Shasta, Sloan gives the kids their six coins and Theo tries to make a joke, something about a "Sloan-nation" -- a joke so incomprehensible he has to say it twice. I still don't get it as they don't seem to be giving Sloan anything but a horrible time he'll never forget for the rest of his life. One of the older ladies from the charity shows up at Belfort and gives Kelley a gift for being good sports. The lady, however, refuses to confirm that Theo and Msaada are from Road Rules, but nevertheless, Encyclopedia Kelley figures it out. The rest of that cast talk about how "evil" it was, using Sloan as a tool in the deception. They talk about how nice Sloan seemed, Jamie going a little too far, saying, "I wanted to get his, like, phone number." Meanwhile, our kids say goodbye to a dumbfounded-looking Sloan at the Shasta. They all get his number, knowing full well none of them will ever call. James unleashes a shit-load of "dude"s, bouncing around under the weight of his beads. But then Theo matches James "dude" for "dude", adding that he'll be praying for Sloan and that they "couldn't have done it without [him]." Theo continues babbling about Sloan being integral as the rest hug Sloan. Holly shovels more food into her mouth and Kathryn lecherously mentions something about calling Sloan when she gets to New York. Rrrrrrrrow! Maybe Sloan will get a worthwhile "wish" after all. As Theo yodels, "Be good, bra," Sloan earns a few bucks from B/M by saying how cool the whole cast was and what a fun day he had blah blah blah. Kathryn fondles the dead robot dog as floaty Theo ends the show with a, well, not a bang, or a whimper, but a "huh?" "The Real World better be prepared. The big deal, baby. The Big Dandy Dirty Diaper Dance is all about us against The Real World for the stolen puppy." Oh my Lord. What is wrong with Theo? Theo is funny but weird and stupid and racist and annoying and creepy. Kind of like the show itself! And...we're out. Credits. Sleep time.
I'm all looking forward to more Battle of the Shows -- I really just want to see Kelley and Holly go at it (I'm talking fighting, you cheeky monkeys!) -- however, from the "On Road Rules..." we instead we get floaty Theo saying, "We're fugitives on the run from the law." All the kids are in the woods, shackled and orange-jumpsuited, and running from dogs and patrolmen. ["Oh my god, it's Nightmare in Moron County! At least Theo could give that evil Chuck Connors a run for his racist money." -- Wing Chun] "If I was you, I'd haul butt," says an officer. Holly falls and James pick her up. Msaada and Theo are lost. James and Holly are out of breath. A helicopter hovers overhead. Hey, do you think maybe one of the troopers might not have been told that this is a fake manhunt, and might shoot someone? Like maybe, I don't know...Holly?
Over credits, Theo, behind a video camera, creeps into The Real World bathroom. He puts his hat on the counter and starts peeing into the toilet. He proceeds to pee all over the seat, filming it.
Regardless of whether this is real pee, or water from a squirt bottle, I still just really don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Bye.