Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Get Out Of My Dreams (Get Into My Shasta)
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 4 | Aired on 07.09.2000
Msaada shows the right-on judgement to which we've become accustomed by rolling her eyes at the fake Max Headroom she has to put up with daily. "That was wrong," she seemingly says to Theo, but I like to think she was answering the question, "Why the hell did you ever agree to be on Road Rules in the first place?" The email tells them to show up at the Make-A-Wish Foundation to receive their next assignment. And they must still "go incognito," which again confuses me. When were they incognito before? And what exactly is he opposite of "incognito"? "Cognito"? Holly gets in a good line when she asks, "What are we doing against the rules at the Make-A-Wish Foundation?" Maybe wishing that the Road Master disappear forever? Wishing that Bunim-Murray pay a little more attention to their show? Wishing that Theo get his tooth-gap fixed? Those are the kind of wishes I'd be making. If I was Msaada, I'd wish to get away from these five freaks before they start to rub off on me. Split screen nonsense as the Shasta drives to the charity. I think I liked it better when they used a constant barrage of pop music to so subtly highlight the desired tone of the segments. It had to have been better than this fake Streets of San Francisco bullshit. Floaty Holly explains what the Make-A-Wish Foundation is. As they enter, Theo yodels, "You gotta come in this place respectful, this is the Make-A-Wish Foundation." He then spits a load of chaw on the floor and tries to rape a chair. So the kids meet a skinny fifteen-year-old boy named Sloan, the new Mission Mayor, having upset Picabo Street in the Mission Mayor Primaries 389,078 to 2. Don't worry, Picabo walked away from office with a fat pension and one of Holly's g-strings. The kids look vaguely concerned, but when Sloan explains that their mission is to "prank The Real World," they freak out; James jumps up and down, flexing his muscles in his sexy yellow t-shirt. The combo of the yellow shirt and the baseball cap -- the logo of which the MTV Nazis have pixelled out -- really works for him. Holly looks strange again and goes Scaryteeth on us as Kathryn stares at the camera blankly. Msaada also looks excited, but I suspect it's because she's planning on getting to The Real World house and immediately defecting, like Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson. The kids have to make their way into The Real World house, kidnap the dog "Shorty," leave some lock-box, take photos at specific locations with the dog, and mail the photos from a certain mailbox by 8:00 PM that evening. James is still fucking jumping up and down in the background, by the way. Oh, and if they are successful, they will get six points towards their "handsome reward." Why is every Mission Mayor forced to refer to it as a "handsome" reward. What, are they going to win Tom Selleck? Behind Sloan, as he reads the instructions, is a huge, creepy photo of an ostensibly sick little girl. It's freaking me out, man. Oh, and they can't break into the mansion; they can, however, "lie, cheat, and steal." "How big is this dog, yo?" asks Laterrian, who quickly goes floaty and says, "I'm thinking, okay, I'm thinking Cujo." And that's it. Foreshadowing? Or the crack B/M editing department. You decide.
Okay, so the kids start discussing the thing at the charity as two older ladies watch from the door. And constantly, during the whole time they babble, we cut to shots of Sloan, listening and watching. He says nothing, just looks increasingly regretful that he's blowing his fucking dying wish on this shit (something I don't believe, by the way. We'll get to that later.) And behind Sloan is this similarly disconcerting photo of a little black girl and a scary Maytag-Man-looking motherfucker. So the kids discuss various methods of stealing the dog. James wants to just run in and grab it while sweet young Kathryn suggests taking the dog for a walk. Oh, um...good idea, Kathryn. The kids now sit around a table, having eaten what looks like birthday cake and piles of beads, as James and Laterrian start talking about breaking down the door and egging people. James' rugby ass is getting all homoerotically excited about the notion of violence; this is the most animated I've seen him, including during the Mating Ritual of the Stupid with Holly in the first episode. (I'm just saying, people.) As James helpfully mimes throwing eggs -- which would accomplish what? -- they cut to Sloan looking particularly put-off, the little black girl also scowling at James' idiocy. Theo fucking loves the idea though, adding, "Dude, if you're gonna go out, go out big." Now, let this moment be instructive, y'all: When you find yourself thinking Theo is really secretly smart and funny and B/M is just painting him in a bad light, think back to statements like this, and then come talk to me. Thank you. Ha -- floaty Msaada chimes in, "God, they're such boneheads." Rock. Holly is holding about a hundred strings of beads, indicating that she must have recently shown her tits to half of New Orleans. Why don't I find that surprising? So, regarding the retarded egg plan, Theo and James are yelling about how that "cannot fail," Theo having all the faith in the world that James would come away with the dog. (I can't believe I'm writing down this shit.) Ha, now Sloan has shifted so right over his confused, sick face is the old white man staring at the camera like, "How y'all doing children? Do you want to make a wish, you little dying bastards? Sure you do!" Sloan cuts through the nonsense by suggesting they go to the house and pretend his dying wish is to see The Real World house. Holly, with the afro-puffs again, likes the idea, as Laterrian frowns. Theo then reminds Laterrian that it is, after all, the dying kid's wish and that he will be participating in the mission. Oh. Okay, then. They head to the Shasta as Theo waxes organizational: "Everything's got to be designated, set up, and ready to rock." That was actually going to be the Boy Scout motto, but they thought it was a bit too wordy. Theo gives the grand tour of the Shasta, pointing out the Road Master's TV and saying, "This is where we eat, sleep, and dookie." Presumably he doesn't mean he dookies on the Road Master, but you never know with Theo.
As the Shasta rolls, Msaada asks Sloan about himself. Oh. Okay. Now this is weird...Sloan had cancer of the heel. Yeah, cancer of the heel. (Am I a horrible person if I say this: Dude! Cancer of the heel! And he's in remission? Why does he get a fucking wish then? No wonder it's such a shitty wish. They only allow heel cancer kids, like, a quarter-wish.) Msaada is very smartly talking to Sloan, asking the right questions and making him feel very comfortable talking about his battle with and his feelings about having the very rare heel cancer. She then asks Sloan why he chose this as his wish, and he replies, tellingly, "As soon as I heard it, I was like, definitely." See? See! This wasn't his fucking wish. Those shitheads at B/M thought they might take advantage of a poor sick kid by making some deal with the charity and getting him or her to take a pity part in their stupid reindeer games. And it's telling that all they could get was a kid fucking cured of heel cancer. All the real sick kids were like, "Fuck that! I'm gonna spend my last days on earth with those fuckers? Someone bring my dying ass a milkshake, yo." Floaty James talks about Sloan's courage, blah blah blah. He wants to make sure Sloan's wish is perfect. Dude, it's so not even his wish! It's a totally....Ah fuck it. You're right, James, I hope the dying kid gets the one thing he most wants in this world above everything else: to be one of you guys for a day. You are just that cool.