Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Snow Holly and the Seven Tantrums
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 3 | Aired on 07.02.2000
Holly takes off, as Picabo sucks on a lollypop and cheers extra loud. "She's like a little dart, that's exactly what she's like," Picabo says. The announcer totally gives up and says, "Look at that determination on her face," as Holly -- a helmet covering her entire face -- whizzes by us at fifty miles per hour. Picabo totally loses her shit, yelling, "She is so smooth, dude!" (I don't even have to make the insinuation further here, folks. I'll just let Picabo do the talking.) So Holly finishes…with a time of 45:38! Okay, now I'm no Fermat, people, but I think 45:01 is better than 45:38. Maybe I'm wrong. "They're making us push off," complains Holly, making as little sense as she has to date. Hee. The Holly Meltdown begins. Yee-haw! Hm, what was all that about Holly having the entire competition on her shoulders? Msaada beat Holly. Holly is "so smooth, dude," and yet she lost. Holly has herself fooled, man. Well, Picabo too. And now Holly's blaming her ass time on the fact that they had to "push off"? Holly, Msaada has never seen snow and she beat you. Ha. As Toby does his run, James yells, "Don't hit any walls, buddy." "Shut up, you're on my team," says Holly, having to control everything. Up Holly's ass, as Toby beats her too, with a time of 45:23. So, the sadly named Neel gets a lackadaisical "do your thing" from Picabo, who is busy writing "Holly Street" over and over on a piece of paper. Neel "tears around those corners with authority" (the announcer's words, of course), and ends up with a time of 44:82. Holly, unable to take the fact that she came in dead last, tells James not to root for the other team. James, in turn, makes a convincing argument when he responds, "Ah dude, it doesn't matter, yo." Hm, I hadn't thought of that. That's an interesting point indeed. Walking to the lift for their second run (They get a second run?! Ah, crap), the three dot-com girls run by with their Scarves of Ugly, saying to Holly, "Good job." Ha. Holly looks like she's about to cry. She voice-overs that it's not about money for her; now it's about getting back at the girls.
Aw yeah, this is what we've been waiting for. The Holly Meltdown Crisis has officially been upgraded to DefCon Three, and as she rides the lift back up to the top, she whips around, and yell/cries at the in-her-face B/M cameraman, "You know, back up!" After a dramatic pause she whips back around and demands, "You just don't get it, do ya?" Yeah, how dare he do his job. Bastard. You know, Holly nearly had the emotional arc of that scene right, and her intention was strong, but she needs a new writer. I wouldn't give her an Oscar right yet, but maybe like a Blockbuster Award or something. God Save the Drama Queen. Amaya from Real World: Hawaii has officially been demoted to Drama Princess. (Incidentally, if you are on a TV show, don't yell at your cameraman. I guarantee you that unless Holly quickly apologizes behind the scenes, she's gonna get some fucked-up angles and bad lighting from now on.) We crank through the first three competitors on the second round: Theo goes first and earns a time of 43:78; Neel then busts out with a 44:89; Msaada gets a 44:47. Theo lifts Msaada up in the air as Holly gets ready for her run. She needs to break 44:00 to win. Rock! Holly takes off…and smashes into the wall. She continues her run, swearing. Everyone watches, knowing that Holly has fucked with the Karma Police a few too many times, and there is just no way her bitch-ass is going to win. And she doesn't, ending up with a 44:95. "Atta girl," says James. Holly throws her glove at him. "Or…not a girl." Holly petulantly slaps everyone away and runs off into the snow. "This could have been a lot of fun, but they ruined it!" brats Holly, certainly talking a lot for someone who wants to be left alone. I would love to see what would happen if they all really just let her be and headed back to the lodge. My guess is the tears would dry up faster than you could say, "Hey guys, where are you all going? Pay attention to me!" Holly goes on to cry about running into the wall with her shoulder. Slyly, B/M shows the "crash" in a split-screen so that, as Holly cries about her newest injury, you can see her barely scrape the wall. So, to recap…Holly came in dead last after both rounds. Holly, on whose shoulders this entire event rested. And this is because she had to "push off," and because the dot-com kids "ruined it." No, Holly, you ruined it, by sucking at the Skeleton. Valeri says something snotty about Holly's tears to the camera as the dot-com kids walk away, victorious. Man, they really are little shits, and despite everything, I hope the Road Rulers win. And they can, as the score is now two to one, and the speed skating relay is worth three points. Holly continues crying, and James tries to calm her down. Massive Attack starts playing as the dot-com kids laugh, and Holly is left alone with her tears. Luckily, the camera is still on her, so she still has reason to cry, "I should have won this shit." Yes Holly, maybe if you hadn't come in dead last both heats, you might have had a chance. What a luger…
We return from break as Pi-Confucius Street blathers to a still-upset Holly, "It's real. You're living right now…Channel it into your skating tonight. Skate like a bat out of hell and make it happen." Holly doesn't say a word, because maybe that way, Picabo will keep trying to make her feel better, and the cameras will keep rolling, and everything will be okay. It doesn't work, because Picabo moves on to congratulate the sandwich-eating dot-com kids on their two-to-one lead so far. However, because B/M are punk-ass deck-stacking bitches, the first three rounds don't make an ass-lint's worth of difference, because the "teamwork" event, speed skating, is worth three points. Picabo goes back into coach mode and mindlessly regurgitates the crap her trainers have told her for her whole life, that means nothing unless you are stoned or stupid: "Those of you who got negative spin on, turn it positive. It becomes mental at this point…Work out whatever you need to…" blah blah blah. Go fart on someone, Picabo. It apparently works on Holly, however, as the floaty version of herself -- which I have to say is a very scary version, all weird eye contact with the camera and a very stiff delivery -- says that she has to put the Skeleton behind her and "just do this and just win." Behind the floatiness of Holly, Kathryn comes up and hugs Holly. Holly tries to muster a few more tears in order to keep the attention going, while Picabo looks on, making a voodoo doll of Kathryn out of her sock.