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Well, Ringlets, this is it for the first season (shhh, don't spoil my delusions 'til May). The wine is breathing. The bubble bath is foamy. Let's do this. You ready? Okay.
We open with Bridget dreaming about renewing Siobhan and Andrew's vows. She hesitates when she has to say, "I, Siobhan Martin," and she doesn't even know how evil Shiv is...yet. It seems that in her Nice Buffy persona, Bridget retains her slayer essence, since this dream is somewhat prophetic; Bodaway Macawi crashes the wedding.
After waking with a start, Bridget vows to all and sundry (okay, mostly to herself, her NA group and Solomon) that she's going to come clean with Andrew. And she tries, she truly does, but then Andrew goes all Welsh Rarebit on her, telling her about the poem he found while he was writing his vows, and how he'll see me Nice Buffy her in every poem and work of art and SCHMOOPY LOVEY SIGH SIGH.
Somewhere in there, Officer Jimmy escapes prison and travels to New York. He's waiting for Bridget-as-Shiv (whom he thinks is Shiv) at Park Ave. He wants some getaway money and figures Bridget-as-Shiv is motivated to pay up, because Bodaway Macawi doesn't know Bridget Kelly has an identical twin. If she doesn't give him the cash, Jimmy will tell Macawi that Siobhan is Bridget, which -- you know -- she is.
From what Jimmy says, Bridget pieces together that NA Charlie/John Delario and Siobhan went to Why-oh-Why Wyoming and bribed Jimmy into encouraging Bridget to run to Siobhan. Speaking of Why-oh-Why Wyoming, back in Colorado (which is still Why-oh-Why Wyoming, if you ask me) Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado gets his job back, but he also gets strict marching orders to stay away from the Bodaway Macawi case.
Bridget and Solomon apprise one another of all they're learning about Siobhan's "last" days. Before leaving to follow up on a lead in the Hamptons, Solomon gives Bridget a gun, "just in case." Bridget tries to refuse, until she sees THIS GUN IS TOTALLY CHEKHOV'S engraved on the barrel.
Meanwhile, over at Gramercy Park, Tool Belt is playing the playah. The new, female invisi-twins will be in the hospital for at least a week. Henry wants to move to Chicago to be near his folks. He tells Shiv that she thought Andrew was trying to kill her, and she was wrong; maybe she's wrong about Bridget, too. Maybe she needs to give her sister the benefit of the doubt in Sean's death. Heh, my word processing program just told me to avoid using the "benefit of the doubt" cliché. Clearly, it doesn't understand how you recap the implausibility parade that is Ringer.
Henry says if Shiv means it when she says that she just wants them to be together, she'll get over herself and move to Chicago with him. Shiv, for her part, agrees. She's more than ready to give Henry whatever stolen Martin/Charles money he needs to start over. She is not, however, ready to be anything approaching completely honest. When the paternity results arrive at Gramercy Park, she calls Henry out on having the test done, but then makes the mistake of lying to him. She tells him he's the father of the new female invisi-twins, but he already knows he's not.
Henry drains Shiv's bank account. When she tells him the money is missing, he cops to stealing it and then explains how she failed the honesty test. He was willing to be with her regardless of the new female invisi-twins paternity, but he is unwilling to play the dupe in yet another one of her lies. He kicks the now-penniless Siobhan to the curb.
Andrew sells Martin/Charles to Tim Arbogast. Tim has an attack of conscience/opportunity for vengeance, and in a move that would make Anyanka proud, he tells Andrew that Shiv and Henry had at least a yearlong affair.
Now, the plan is for Andrew and Bridget-as-Shiv to renew their vows in Turks and Caicos. They're hosting their own "going away" party at Park Ave. Andrew arrives home mid-shindig, and in a totally non-Welsh way, confronts Bridget-as-Shiv with Shiv's Tool Belt affair -- right in the middle of the festivities.
Greer (the one who saw Shiv and Tool Belt canoodling at the Boston Hotel Pivoine) helpfully clears out the party and sends Juliet to her house, so Andrew and Bridget-as-Shiv can have some good quality breaking up time. Before Greer leaves, Bridget sees a news item that Officer Jimmy has been killed. Unlike us, she didn't see Bodaway Macawi gut Jimmy with a hunting knife, but she's Nice Buffy, so she intuits it. Bridget calls Guyliner and begs for his help. He tells her he's off the case, but c'mon, we all know he and his lovely double lashes are going to teleport back to New York, as soon as he hangs up.
Anyhow, Bridget tells Andrew she never had an affair with Tool Belt, because she's not Siobhan; she's Bridget. Andrew has a hard time believing Actual-Siobhan would kill herself, but whatevs. He's shocked, just SHOCKED that Bridget has been lying to him all the time. He's nasty about her "drug-addled prostitute" past, but who can blame him? Bridget's tacky blue blouse with the shoulder cut-outs has me in a bit of a rage, too. He loves her, but he hates that it's all been a lie (not to mention that blouse), so he kicks Bridget to the curb. Maybe the twins can share a sequined bunk at a shelter?
Bridget goes to Greer's. She apologizes and comes clean to Juliet, who is hurt, but says she knew Bridget-as-Shiv was too good to be true. Poor Nice Buffy is not catching a break. I wish Spike was there to advise her to tie these people up and torture them, until they love her again, but no.
Andrew and Juliet take off for the Hamptons. Siobhan breaks into Park Ave. to steal whatever she can get her hands on. She's surprised by Bodaway (who has killed the doorman and disabled the security and the elevator). Shiv's pretty scrappy and manages to fight off Bodaway for a while. She tells him she's not Bridget, but of course he doesn't believe her. Bridget arrives in the penthouse with Chekhov's gun and takes down Bodaway, but because of the peripheral vision curse on that apartment, she never actually sees Siobhan, which is terrifically disappointing. Teleportation complete, Guyliner arrives and saves the day, which Bridget had pretty much saved by herself already. Ding dong Macawi's dead.
Solomon and Bridget have a Macawi post-mortem. Solomon went to the Hamptons and found surveillance footage of Siobhan and NA Charlie/John Delario leaving the marina, hours after Siobhan supposedly drowned. Armed with this information, Bridget hauls her cookies over to Gramercy Park and confronts Tool Belt. He admits he's known she's Bridget for some time now, and that Siobhan is alive and living in New York. He also tells Bridget that Siobhan faked her death because someone was trying to kill her. She hoped that if Bridget assumed her identity, Bridget would be killed in her stead. Grr. Argh.
This was a watchable hour with plenty of revelations, but I am bitter that Bridget never came face to face with Siobhan -- even for a second. Sure, it's great that she knows her duplicitous twin is alive, but since this show is on the bubble (and has been for some time), I feel disgruntled that the writers wouldn't deign to give us that bit of satisfaction. Even if Siobhan didn't see Bridget see her, I wish Bridget could have seen Siobhan in person, not on a months old video tape.
I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap of "I'm The Good Twin." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where Ioan Gruffudd is waiting at the altar.
See why we think Ringer should be cancelled.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!I'm in such a weird headspace right now; I'm having a hard time even starting this recap. Some of it's personal, and I won't bore you with that, because we watch stuff like Ringer to escape real life. Can I get an amen? Oh! I accidentally and prematurely just made my point. I'm pretty sure Ringer won't be renewed. Our best hope lies in the chance that perhaps Ms. Gellar has photos of the network execs torturing baby sloths, and will wield them well. Go for it, SMG, because right now, I kind of need Ringer. I need escape. I need two Buffies, no waiting. I need Ioan Gruffudd getting all gruffuddy. I need Henry tool belting around. And darn it, the whole wide world is crying for copious amounts of Guyliner.
Editor extraordinaire, Rachel Stein, wrote a well-reasoned piece on why Ringer should get the axe. It was linked at the end of my finale recaplet and will probably be linked at the end of this weecap, or perhaps right here, because TWoP links related items -- like you do... on the Internet. Even though I can't argue with any of it, when I saw it, I freaked. I didn't freak out on Rachel, because she's awesome. I didn't freak in the This Is Bad And Wrong sense. I already "know" the show is a goner, and Rachel is hardly making baseless accusations. I freaked because the link text reads, "See why we think Ringer should be cancelled." It was the we. There is no me in that we. Intellectually, do I accept the fact that there are shows more worthy of pick-up or renewal than Ringer? Certainly (although if I limit myself to CW shows, that list is drastically shorter). But my stompy-footed, cranky little id doesn't give a flying fig about worth. I want my two Buffys on my TV, and I want them on Tuesday, because it's our holy night.
I'm not even saying this as a recapper. There have been more Tuesdays than not where I wished I wasn't covering this show. I wished I could just watch it without having to think about it, make sense of it, criticize or defend it. I would have liked to just tune in, zone out. Sometimes, I would have enjoyed it more, if participating in the (polite, fun, easy-going) show thread was my only Ringer-related writing. (Seriously, that thread is one of the most pleasant ones I've read, in my decade+ as a TWoP member.) I'm speaking as a fan. I know this show is junk food. I need my junk food. So please, dear CW Executives, if you're filling out your renew/cancel checklist, and there's an item along the lines of, "What does that one TWoP recapper -- the one with far too much pity -- want us to do?" please put a bright, bold, glittery hot pink mark in the renew column. Okay? Thank you. Now, this recap isn't going to write itself, so let's go on with the show!
[Note: Just one thing -- This is very true! I was not speaking for Cindy (as the itals attempted to convey); I was simply referring to myself and the rest of the TWoP editors as the royal "we," the same way I say, "We still aren't exactly over Fox axing Firefly so quickly." (Which, even then, should be taken with a grain of snarky salt.) And what Cindy writes is definitely true; when it's your job to watch something in great critical detail, it is often more likely than not that you will grow to resent it faster than a series you're watching calmly with a glass of wine in hand, especially in the case of a deemed "guilty pleasure" series. Now, let's do this thing! -- Rachel.]
The is the story of two Sisters, who share the same Face. Oh Show, as if your Pooh-style capitalization wasn't enough, your melodramatic description of twins as people who share the same Face makes you too wonderful for words. Nice Buffy is telling me her name is Bridget. Richard Alpert is telling her to testify against Bodaway Macawi. Bridget says Officer Jimmy has her back. She thought she'd be safe. Turns out she was wrong. Jimmy tells her that if she testifies, she'll be dead. Bodaway Macawi looms in the background. His face is made of menace. Jimmy tells Bridget to run. She runs to her sister, Mean Buffy, whose name is allegedly Siobhan. Mean Buffy fakes her death. Nice Buffy misses the "faking" part. She calls Malcolm and tells her she has assumed Mean Buffy's identity. It was so easy. She saw a way out and she took it. Surrounded by mirrors, Nice Buffy does her hair in Mean Buffy's signature up-do. Mean Buffy goes into labor. She takes a cab to the hospital. Tool Belt sings the praises of Mean Buffy's twin daughters, then pulls the doctor aside and requests a paternity test, on the two newest sisters who share the same Face.
We open on a wedding. Andrew is waiting at the altar. Bridget waddles down the aisle in yet another wedding gown that is too big for her. Sheeesh, even in her dreams, Nice Buffy can't get good wardrobe. Yes, of course this is a dream sequence. The gown is beautiful, by the way, it's just too cumbersome for little SMG. For seven years, I watched this woman walk in all manner of clothing. She's more graceful than this. I do sort of dig that veil. Juliet looks lovely as she smiles at her father and fake step-mother. The minister is a redheaded woman who acknowledges that Andrew and Bridget-as-Shiv's union has withstood trials and tribulations. My word-processing program objects to the cliché. I smile at it. Andrew and Bridget make gaga eyes at each other. They're so cute together, I can't stand it. They renew their vows, although it's hard for Bridget to say, "I, Siobhan Martin." Poor noodle. Now comes the kissing. Hurrah!
Later, there's more kissing and scrunchy-nosed smiling from SMG, which kills me dead. How cute is she? Greer congratulates the happy couple, as does Henry "Tool Belt" Butler. Bridget's smile unscrunches and then disappears because she spots Bodaway Macawi glaring at her from the other side of the ballroom. As he approaches, Bridget wakes with a start. She looks at Andrew lying to her. We cut to...
NA Meeting. Bridget is getting her one year chip. People in the show thread point out that she was just drugged last week and wonder if she should really be getting that chip. I don't know what NA would say, but I say yes. She didn't take drugs. She was drugged. If/since that didn't cause her to start using again, well then go Bridget! Her voice is sad as she acknowledges her sponsor, Malcolm, deserves the credit for her sobriety. Bridget tells the group that life is good and she's renewing her vows in less than a week. She goes on about her "family" and says that before the renewal, she has to tell them her secret. Another NA member reminds Bridget that when you come clean, you stay clean. Bridget nods and says that tonight she's telling her family who she really is. Woo hoo! She's finally going to admit she's Buffy Summers, and has been working undercover to slay all the vampires in Manhattan. Title card.
In the car, Solomon points out to Bridget that while it's great she wants to be honest, she's finally safe as Siobhan. Bridget says she can't walk down the aisle without telling Andrew the truth. Solomon asks if she thinks there will be an aisle to walk down once she tells Andrew her true identity. Bridget doesn't know.
Martin/Charles Financial. Andrew is signing his company over to Tim Arbogast. Let's just ignore the fact that Olivia probably owns some of it and pretend he got her share after last week's Catherine craziness. Bridget comes in. Tim thinks she's Siobhan, so he hates her guts because he thinks she was sleeping with his son-in-law. Bridget is too lovestruck by Andrew to notice the loathing oozing from Arbogast's pores. She just stopped by to make sure Andrew will be home for dinner tonight. She's going to cook. Tim smarms that that's sweet. Andrew brags that they're renewing their vows. Arbogast flashes back to...
Whenever that was. Tim tells Tool Belt he knows he cheated on Gemma. He vows to destroy him. He'll make Tool Belt and Siobhan pay for what they did. Back in the present, Tim exchanges fake pleasantries and leaves the happy couple alone. Andrew gruffs that Bridget-as-Shiv should refer to Tim as Mr. Arbogast because he's the boss now. There's exposition about selling the company and saving the investors from ruin and Andrew from jail. Bridget sits on Andrews lap and says, "No offense but, I don't think you would fare too well in jail. Besides, I couldn't stand to be away from you for that long. Conjugal visits would not cut it." Andrew says he's grateful for a second chance, even though he feels undeserving. Bridget says everyone deserves a second chance. Every word between them has a double meaning and it's making me a little misty. Poor lovesick babies.
Speaking of second chances, Shiv is at the hospital, standing outside the nursery, watching over her daughters. Tool Belt arrives and says the doctor says the babies should be ready to come home in a week. He asks if Shiv has settled on any names. When she says Portia and Regan, Tool Belt chuckles and counters with Franny and Zooey. I don't know which set of names is more pretentious. Won't someone think of the children? How about some nice Irish names like Maeve and Catriona? They don't listen.
Henry has to get his male invisi-twins who share the same invisi-Face from school, but before that he wants to talk to Shiv. He wants to move to Chicago. He reminds her she said they could take the money she stole from Martin/Charles (and he says it just like that, right in the hospital corridor, Tool Belt) and go anywhere they want. He wants to move closer to his family. He's done with everything -- the lies and scheming. He needs to get away from it all. Shiv reminds him she has two babies in ICU. She's hardly been scheming lately. Henry doesn't care. He knows she still hates Bridget, and he has a hard time believing she's ready to move on from that hatred. Reminding her she was wrong about Andrew trying to kill her, he suggests that she may be wrong about Bridget, too. He tells her she's got to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. He's got his boys back. The only thing that's keeping him in New York is Shiv, and the only thing keeping Shiv is New York is her vendetta against Bridget. If they're going to move on, Shiv has to move on.
FBI Denver Field Office. Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado is put back on active duty, but he is off the Bodaway Macawi case for good and it's not up for discussion. Starting today, he severs all ties with Macawi or finds another job.
Park Ave. Bridget-as-Shiv arrives home to be greeted by none other than Officer Jimmy. When last we saw him, he was serving time because he falsely confessed to killing Shaylene Briggs and Tara. He has escaped prison. I'm going to decide Macawi helped him do so, so I don't have to waste this last episode shaking my head. When the implausibility parade gets going, the tough get marching. Or something. Anyhow, Jimmy calls Bridget "Siobhan" because he really does think she is Siobhan. He talks about how it's been a long time since they've seen each other. She wants to know what he wants. Jimmy says it's not about what he wants, but what Bodaway wants. Bridget-as-Shiv says the last she heard from Bridget was in September. Jimmy doesn't give a rat's ass about Bridget's whereabouts. He's sick of being Bodaway's "bitch." He tells Bridget-as-Shiv that she's going to pay him, "Just like last time." We cut to...
Why-oh-Why Wyoming, seven and a half months ago. NA Charlie/John Delario finds officer Jimmy at a Rock Springs bar. John knows Jimmy's on Macawi's payroll, but he can pay him double to get him access to Bridget Kelly. Jimmy pretends he's not for sale and says John couldn't afford him anyhow. Shiv pops out of nowhere and says she can. Jimmy thinks she's Bridget. Shiv corrects him. "It's Siobhan. I'm the good twin." Ahahahaha. She wants Jimmy to scare Bridget into running to her. "And for that, I'll pay you double. Fine, triple if I have to." Huh. I would have thought money-hungry, manipulative Siobhan would be a lot better at bargaining. At least she knows not to take no for an answer. We cut back to...
Park Ave. Bridget-as-Shiv looks like her brain just dribbled out her ears. Jimmy asks if she's okay. She says she is, "It's just a lot." Jimmy wants $50 K to disappear. Bridget points out that since he's an escaped felon, she might instead go with a free call to 9-1-1. Jimmy explains that Macawi doesn't know Bridget has a sister who shares the same Face. If Shiv doesn't come up with the money, Jimmy will tell Bodaway that Bridget-as-Shiv is Bridget. Oh Jimmy, you're so close to the truth. It is to laugh.
Gramercy Park. Tool Belt is thrilled to find Siobhan packing for their move to Chicago. She's ready for them to be together and move on with their life. Henry's sister has been sending him real estate listings. There's a great one on the lake, but it's out of his price range. Shiv says she thought they were buying the house together. That warms Henry's heart, but he says there's a lot of stuff to work out before they buy anything. Shiv will give him whatever he needs for the down payment. She's giving the benefit of the doubt. She just wants them all to be together as a family.
FBI Denver Field Office. A young agent approaches Guyliner and tells him an unidentified body was discovered in Hoboken. The face structure suggests it could be Malcolm Ward. Guyliner is shaken. Young Agent then tells Guyliner that Jimmy escaped from prison. In my head, he goes all, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
Park Ave. Andrew and Juliet are laughing over dinner, but Bridget is solemn and quiet. When Andrew asks if she's okay, Bridget says she has to talk to the two of them. Juliet gets a text from Andrea, whose boyfriend just broke up with her -- in a text. Clearly, that's more important. She dashes out of the room. Andrew comments on how rude that was, then jokes that Juliet must be doing better.
Before Bridget can begin her confession, Andrew says he has something he wants to share too, and asks if he can go first. He's been working on his vows. He found a poem, "The Marriage Song." He reads an excerpt about how "her beauty shames the day-star..." blah blah blah love cakes. For the rest of their lives, he promises to find her in every poem, every work of art, in every love song. He gets even more romantic, and then says he can't get over how she stuck by him, through everything. She makes him a better man, and he just wants to be the husband she deserves. When Andrew tells her it's her turn, a teary eyed Bridget says, "After that, it can wait."
Seedy motel. Officer Jimmy is packing up his stacks of cash. When he opens the door, who should be on the other side but Bodaway Macawi? Macawi had Jimmy followed, because he didn't think he could be trusted. He figures the bag full of cash confirms that. Jimmy tries to B.S. his way out of trouble, and then adds he found Bridget. She's living the high life on Park Ave, going by the name Siobhan... His words are cut off when Macawi drives an enormous hunting knife into Jimmy's gut. Jimmy doesn't yell, or scream. He lets out the faintest grunt. I laugh so hard, I have to pause my TiVo. When I resume watching, Macawi finishes Jimmy's sentence. "...Martin." He whispers, "Yeah, yeah," as he gently lowers Jimmy to the floor. Finally removing the knife, Macawi says, "I'm one step ahead of you." He wipes the blade on Jimmy's pant leg, and then puts it back in his (Macawi's) jacket. And that's it for Officer Jimmy. Yes, on a show in which people get shot pointblank in the HEAD, Jimmy dies instantly from a knife wound to the gut. Show, it's stuff like this that makes me look bad for wanting you back. I mean, come on. If Macawi had then cut Jimmy's throat, I could buy this quick death (although I still can't buy how quiet it was). People make more noise when they stub their toes. Commercial.
Park Ave., day. Bridget and Solomon are having tea on the terrace. She's told him that Shiv and John were behind Jimmy encouraging her to go on the run. Bridget can't figure out why Shiv would pay someone to make Bridget run to her only to kill herself a few days later, but that's mostly because the script won't let her figure it out yet. The script won't let Solomon figure it out yet, either, but he did some digging and found out John and Shiv had a long lunch in the Hamptons on September 8th. Solomon is heading out to the Hamptons to see what else he can dig up. He gives Bridget Chekhov's gun for her own protection. She refuses at first, but Solomon insists she protect herself. The conversation turns. Bridget admits she hasn't yet told Andrew and Juliet the truth. "I was going to last night, and then Andrew read me his vows. That pedestal he puts me on... it's a long way to fall. But I know that you're right. This isn't a fantasy. It's real life. When I do tell them, it'll be over." Solomon asks what she's going to do. Bridget says, "I'm still going to tell them tonight." She will do it after their going-away party. "I want one last night of the fantasy." Sniff.
Gramercy Park. Shiv opens a letter. It's the results of Tool Belt's paternity test. Her hospital pseudonym, by the way, was Rebecca Sheldrake. She folds it shut when Henry comes in the room and asks what she's got. Rising, Shiv turns to him. "You had a paternity test done?" Henry says since she was sleeping with Tyler, he needed to know if the twins are his. He wants to trust her as they start their new life together and asks her what the letter says. Shiv: "What I knew it would always say. The girls are yours." Henry laughs a little too easily and kisses Siobhan. "Thank you. You just made a hard decision very easy for me." He's got to know she's lying, right? Not even Tool Belt himself could be so toolish as to order a secret paternity test, and then trust the answer of the woman he knows he cannot trust to be honest about the children's paternity. Right? Come on, Henry. I'm rooting for you, despite myself. When he leaves the room, we get a good gander at the letter. Henry is not the biological father of either child.
Martin/Charles, night. As Andrew leaves work, he tells Tim he'll be reachable by cell and email and all that other stuff you say before you go on vacation. Tim tells Andrew to have a safe trip. Andrew thanks him and says how lucky he is to get to marry the woman of his dreams -- twice. That's either too much for Tim to take, or he was waiting 'til the exact moment when he could most devastate our Welsh Rarebit. Either way, and as I said in the recaplet, in a move that would make Anyanka proud, Tim tells Andrew that Shiv and Henry had at least a yearlong affair. He does it off-screen, but before the scene is through, it's quite clear that's what going down.
Park Ave. The party is in full swing when...
Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings. Shindig -- dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage. And hootenanny? Well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Recapper: And none of you lovely people are on the guest list, so skeedaddle. Also, since this is a grown up party, replace "malt beverage" with "cocktails" and I think we're halfway to shindig, which matters little, because it a moment, it's going to devolve into a scandal.
So anyhow, Andrew comes storming in. He marches up to Bridget-as-Shiv, who's making small-talk with Greer, and says he just found out everything between them is a lie. Bridget is all, "Excuse me," so Andrew raises his voice. "I know about the affair with Henry." The guests turn to watch the wreck of the good 'ship Bridget/Andrew. Juliet comes over and asks what's going on. Greer desperately looks for an elsewhere to be. Bridget shakes her head. "I am not having an affair with Henry." Andrew spits back, "But you were, for over a year. Don't even try to deny it. Arbogast told me everything. How he hired a private investigator. He showed me phone records, hotel receipts." Greer asks if they need some privacy and offers to ask the guests to leave. Andrew says, "I think that's a great idea, because there aren't going to be any nuptials to celebrate. This marriage is over." When he walks off, Juliet follows and tries to get him to wait. Bridget watches her fantasy crumble, not because of her own deception, but rather, because of Siobhan's.
Gramercy Park. Shiv is reviewing her bank records online. When she notices she is flat broke, she asks Henry how much the downpayment is. He says he didn't make one. She tells him her balance is drained and figures someone hacked into her account. Henry doesn't let her stew nearly as long as I would. He stole Shiv's money, because he wanted to take away the one thing that means something to her, just as she took away everything from him. He had already called the hospital about the paternity tests before the letter arrived.
Shiv: All that talk about honesty and you were lying?
Henry: The test was a test.
Audience: Oh my word, he's hardly Tooly or Belty right now.
Recapper: Damn it.
Henry: I wanted to see how you would handle the truth. I could handle not being the girls' dad, but I can't take another lie. Does anything come out of your mouth that is actually the truth?
Shiv: Everything I've done is so we could be together blah blah blah. I love you. That's the truth.
Henry: Sucks to be you. Now get gone.
Shiv: I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any money.
Henry: Muahahahahaha.
Park Ave. Greer brings Bridget a cup of tea and reports that the guests have all left, and she sent Juliet over to her place. The women discuss the situation but Bridget is distracted by a news report that Officer Jimmy was murdered in a South Bronx motel. Once Greer is gone, Bridget calls Guyliner and tells her Macawi is in New York. She explains that Jimmy found her and threatened to tell Macawi that she was Bridget (because she is). Now Jimmy has been murdered and that can only mean one thing. She begs Guyliner to help him. He apologizes and says he's off the case. His job depends on it. He promises he'll call the New York Field office as soon as they hang up. Just then, Andrew returns. Bridget ends the call, despite Guyliner asking her to wait. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to see how quickly he can teleport to New York.
Bridget: I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, but you deserve to know the truth. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. My life... completely changed when I met you seven months ago.
Andrew: Seven years, YOU VACUOUS WHORE!
Recapper: (Some of this is paraphrase.)
Bridget: No. Seven months. I didn't cheat on you with Henry. Andrew, I...I'm not Siobhan. I'm Bridget.
Audience: It's the truth, but why would he even buy that, at this point?
Network: Here, buy something from our sponsors, instead.
After the break, it's clear from the conversation that Bridget told Andrew a lot more off screen, because he's ranting that there's no way Shiv would kill herself. Bridget insists it happened, and tells him she was there. When she starts to apologize, Andrew raves at her. He gets nasty about sleeping to her drug addict, prostitute self for the past seven months, but even though I 'ship the heck out of these two, I've got to side with Andrew here. I'd be yelling at her while bleaching my entire body.
Bridget explains she never intended for it to go on this long. She was only doing it to protect herself, but then she fell in love with Andrew. Andrew shakes his head as he chides himself for believing Siobhan couldn't change. While he blathers about believing what one wants to believe, tears stream down Bridget's face. She says, "Like I needed to believe you might forgive me. That somehow you might love me for me." Andrew breathes a heavy sigh and chuckles bitterly as he continues to shake his head. I'm a little worried he might get shaken-baby syndrome if he keeps it up. Finally, he speaks. "I do love you, but it's all a lie." Bridget tells him that's not true. She again reminds him she had to protect herself. We flashback to...
Why-oh-Why Wyoming, Club Caged, one year ago. A drunken Bridget is hanging all over some client (whom I think is played by show-runner Eric C. Charmello). Shaylene comes up and reminds Bridget to take it easy. After the party, Bridget is looking for Shaylene. She finds her in the process of being murdered by Bodaway Macawi, who spots Bridget before she can get away.
Back in the present, Bridget continues telling Andrew her story. She talks about her regrets. She talks about how truth is a tenet of NA, and all she's been doing is lying. "But the one thing I have no regrets about is loving you and Juliet. I stayed sober because I had two people whose expectations I wanted to live up to. I'm so sorry. And for what it's worth, I'm a better person for loving you." Andrew looks touched by this. He sighs and moves in closer, but then hardens his gaze. "You need to leave."
Greer's Apartment. Bridget arrives. Greer tells her she can stay as long as she likes, and then asks her daughter London to come with her so that Juliet and Bridget can have some privacy. Juliet asks "Siobhan" how she could do this. She thought Andrew and Shiv were happy, and that the three of them were becoming a real family. Bridget says they are a real family. She didn't have an affair. Juliet asks why Arbogast would say so, then. Bridget says, "Because I'm not who he thinks I am."
Gramercy Park. Henry answers the door. It's Andrew, who knocks him to the ground with one punch to the kisser. Andrew smiles as he shakes of the pain in his hand. "I've been wanting to do that since the day I met you." Oh, me too! Andrew leaves and we cut back to...
Greer's. Juliet now knows the whole identity-swap story. Bridget asks her to say something. Juliet: "I knew you were too good to be true, Bridget." Bridget tries to speak, but Juliet gives her a ration about how Catherine might be awful, but at least there's a reason -- she's sick. "What's your excuse?" Bridget gives us a Buffy boo-boo face and breaks my heart.
Park Ave. lobby. Andrew gives Juliet a pep talk about how it's, "You and me against the world." My mother used to sing that song to me when I was little. Hi, mum! Anyhow, the Martins head off to the Hamptons. As soon as they're out of the building, Shiv slithers in. Up in the apartment, she starts stealing all of... her jewelry, so I guess it's not stealing. She's wearing the weirdest, shiny black leather gloves. They might even be rubber.
Lobby. One by one, the feeds from the security cameras turn to snow. The doorman pounds on his computer like you do. We cut back to the apartment. Shiv hears a noise and calls out, "Hello? Andrew?" When there's no answer, she goes back to robbing herself blind. Macawi comes up behind her, grabs her by the throat and says, "Hello, Bridget." In a lovely callback to the pilot, Shiv says, "You have the wrong girl." Commercial.
Shiv insists she isn't Bridget as she tries to break free from Macawi's grasp. She manages to get away, but when she gets to the elevator, she sees the call button has been pulled off the wall. The stairway must be back near where Macawi is, because Shiv runs out onto the balcony. Meanwhile, Bridget enters the building. She's on the phone with Solomon, explaining that she just wants to see Juliet, when she finds the doorman, dead as a... doornail. (Sorry.) Bridget tells Solomon to call 9-1-1. "Bodaway's here." She hangs up and runs to the elevator. When pressing the call button does nothing, Bridget runs up the stairs. I've seen people mocking her for running toward Bodaway when she's been running from him since September, but Bridget thinks Andrew and Juliet are in that apartment. She does love them. She can't leave them to face her worst nightmare alone.
Macawi pulls out his big knife as he threatens Shiv-as-Bridget. He finally finds her. She does her best to fight him off. They go crashing through the glass doors and onto the parlor floor. In a generous bit of fan service, Siobhan picks up a piece of broken wood and stakes Macawi. Unfortunately, he doesn't go poof.
Buffy: I missed the heart, once.
I am not your action recapper, suffice it to say there's more struggling and chasing. It's hilarious that the supposed badass to end all badasses is having such a hard time killing Shiv-as-Bridget. They make it out to the foyer. Macawi pins Shiv against her ginormous photo. He then lunges for her with the knife. Shiv ducks. The blade slashes through the monument to Shiv's vanity. Shiv runs off. Macawi follows after her. Bridget appears. She's got Chekhov's gun at the ready and orders Macawi to stop, then calls out for Juliet, because she just missed seeing the sister who shares her same Face by one second. Macawi is all confused. Bridget orders him to drop the knife. He fakes like he's going to and then he charges toward Bridget. She shoots him in the chest. Macawi falls to the ground. Bridget stands there with her mouth hanging open for a few seconds and then calls out for Andrew. She starts walking closer to Macawi's body. I yell at her to shoot him again, or he's going to come to and grab her by the ankle. She doesn't listen. Macawi comes to and grabs Bridget by the ankle. He pulls her to the floor, climbs on top of her and starts choking her. Bridget bites at his hand.
Guyliner enters and yells, "FBI, freeze!" Macawi turns to look. Bridget gets her hand free or pushes off one of Machado's hands or something. It's so fast and dark it's hard to tell. The point is? She shoots him right in the face. The blood spatters over Siobhan's now slashed portrait. It is even better than when Juliet scrawled WHORE on it.
Guyliner leads uniformed officers into the apartment. He finds Bridget hyperventilating on the floor and says, "Mrs. Martin. It's okay. It's okay." She wants to find Juliet and tells Guyliner she heard her yelling. Guyliner says he spoke with Andrew. Both he and Juliet are in the Hamptons. Bridget wonders aloud who Bodaway was attacking. We cut to the...
Hospital. Through the NICU window, a battered and bloodied Shiv watches over her babies who share the same Face. A nurse comes up and tells her visiting hours are over. Shiv turns. "I know. I don't have anywhere to go. We don't have anywhere to go." The nurse takes in Shiv's physical condition and says, "I might be able to find you a cot." While you're up, find me a second season! Once Shiv is alone, she looks at her reflection, which makes me think of my friend Theresa, who laughed with me at the mirror scenes back in the pilot. Then Shiv starts talking to her reflection. Perhaps in all the concussion, she thinks she's talking to her sister who shares the same Face. [So, not a different face, then? --Xander] Hush, you. Anyhow, Shiv says, "I have to get my old life back."
Park Ave. Solomon is there when the cops leave. He's very nice with his told-you-so about the gun. The ginormous ego portrait is on the floor, propped up against the wall. It's mostly covered by a tarp, but one eye peeks at us. Hee. Anyhow, Solomon has something to show Bridget. It's surveillance footage from the marina. The time stamp on it reads "4:16:45 P.M. 09/09/11." Solomon exposits that John Delario rented a boat at the same marina Shiv used. Bridget notes that's the same day Siobhan died. Solomon says, "That's not all." We then see a shot of Shiv with Delario. They're getting into his car. The time stamp reads "4:17:03 P.M.," now. Bridget says, "4:17. That's three hours after my sister drowned. Siobhan's alive?"
Gramercy Park. Henry answers the door. "Siobhan, what? It's 3:00 A.M." Bridget walks past him and into the house. And it's definitely Bridget. There's been a lot of discussion about this in the show thread. Some people thought this was Shiv making good on her vow to get back her old life, but it's not. Her face is not at all cut (and no, no hair is covering up the spots where Shiv's face was cut). Besides, I can see Bridget's white blouse peeking out from under her coat. Also, I think they've been padding post-partum Shiv so that she looks a little thicker than Bridget. This is definitely Bridget and that's what she says. "It's Bridget, but you know that already, don't you?" Henry admits he does. Bridget says, "Where is she?" Henry says he doesn't know. He kicked her out earlier. It's over between them. Bridget can't believe Shiv was here in New York. "That's who Bodaway attacked in the apartment."
Henry asks Bridget what she's talking about, but it's Bridget's turn to get some answers, so she'll ask the questions, thank you very much. "Why did she lie to me? Why did she want me to think that she killed herself?" Henry rubs his eyebrow and sighs. "Because she knew that someone was trying to kill her. And she wanted you to take her place for what you did to Sean." The camera zooms in on Bridget's face -- the same Face she shares with her sister. "Siobhan wanted me dead?" Grr. Argh.
I already went on about my disappointment that Bridget didn't get to see Shiv live and in person in this finale. This weecap is longer than some full recaps. I'm out of time, and I'm out of optimism. I'm not totally out of delusions, though, so I hope to see you back here, in September. Thanks for being a great audience. And a special thanks to the posters in our show thread, for totally getting it. Please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where Ioan Gruffudd is waiting at the altar.
Buffy: You still my girl?
Recapper: Always.
When she's not hanging out with Buffy, Cindy McLennan also covers Once Upon A Time and The Vampire Diaries for TWoP. You can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan [at] gmail.com, or follow her on Twitter.