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Henry is questioned by the cops. Bridget is shot. Andrew makes out with Catherine.
And then we flash back two days earlier. Henry wants Tim Arbogast to take the flash drive to the authorities. Tim does go to the authorities -- but the NYPD, not the SEC. The cops question Henry about Tyler Tool Belt's murder, which is perfectly fair. Poor Tool Belt.
Between episodes, Juliet came clean with Andrew about the scheme with Carpenter, Tessa and Catherine. Andrew wants his money back, so he sets up Catherine and manipulates her into buying his Palm Springs property. He gets some investor in on his plan, so Catherine thinks she's going to make a windfall. She pays Andrew the amount he was taken for in the fraudulent suit.
Meanwhile, Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado gets suspended from the FBI for roughing up a tarot card dry cleaner customer (who is wearing a suit full of money); I'll hit that in the weecap. Anyhow, Bridget-as-Shiv goes to him and offers to testify as Bridget. Instead, Guyliner decides they should fake Bridget's death, using Shiv, who is really Bridget. That goes to hell, so Guyliner ends up shooting the shooter. When the shooter's cell phone rings, Guyliner answers it. On the other end of the line is Catherine!
I'll be back with all of it in the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we'd rather kill Siobhan.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open at the police station. Henry "Tool Belt" Butler is being interrogated about Tyler "Boytoy" Barrett's death. The cop suggests it was an accident. Henry swears he didn't do it. The cop asks, "If you didn't, who did?" Okay, I realize Henry did do it, but I still want to ask the cop, "Isn't it your job to figure that out?" We cut to a shot of Catherine making out with Andrew. From there we cut to a shot of a sniper. He's training his sight on Bridget, who is inside some abandoned building, talking on her cell phone. The shot shows her lying on the floor. Is she dead? She sure looks it, but let's not be silly; this is her show. Title card. Commercials.
After the break, we flash back two days earlier. Agent Victor "Guyliner' Machado shows Bridget-as-Shiv and Andrew the tower tarot card from last week. It means nothing to them. When Guyliner tells them the guy who shot Andrew was carrying it and goes into this spiel about it being a marker from a dirty dry cleaner's shop and my word, I respect Nestor Carbonell and you, my gentle readers, too much to go over this nonsense.
Talk turns to Daniel Eknath -- the Macawi minion who was found dead in the park last week. The cops or the feds or someone found his van. There was a log book inside. Eknath had been watching Malcolm Ward. He had addresses in it for Martin/Charles, Malcolm's hotel and the Martins' Park Ave. apartment. Guyliner's theory is that Eknath followed Malcolm to Park Ave and mistook Bridget-as-Shiv for Bridget, which you know, would make him smarter than anyone else on this show. In case Eknath reported back to Macawi that he "thought" he found Bridget, Guyliner is doing everything he can to keep the Martin family safe. Andrew does not find that at all reassuring, since Malcolm disappeared and blah blah incompetence cakes. Guyliner keeps his cool and tells Bridget that NYPD will have some officers watching their apartment and Andrew's office.
When Guyliner leaves, Bridget tells Andrew that Eknath couldn't be the person who attacked her six months ago, because he wouldn't have been in town yet. Andrew's all, "Unless Guyliner is wrong about that, too." And wait a second. Wouldn't it be calming to think Eknath is Bridget-as-Shiv's assailant, since he's dead and all? And wait another second, by the end of this hour, we're going to find out most of the stuff is a red herring, so why am I wasting my time on it? UGH!
Over at Gramercy Park, Henry leaves a voicemail for Arbogast, who apparently hasn't been taking or returning his calls. Shiv suggests using the invisi-twins to get face time with Arbogast. Henry points out that not even he sucks so much that he'd use his own children as bait. Shiv, who is still focused on getting the flash drive back from Arbogast, offers a less-than-credible apology. Henry tries to give Shiv some perspective. She thought Andrew was going to kill her, but Andrew just took a bullet for Bridget, whom he thinks is Siobhan. Either Andrew never put out the hit in the first place, or he changed his mind. Henry thinks they should let Arbogast keep the flash drive. He can blow the whistle on Martin/Charles. Andrew won't be tried for murder, but he'll still end up in prison over his Bernie Madoff-like Ponzi scheme. Shiv can reclaim her identity.
Shiv doesn't seem wild about that plan, so Tool Belt asks her what's holding her back. She explains that while she was in Paris, Tyler Boytoy set up some dummy accounts at Martin/Charles. She's been using those to siphon money from the company. I don't understand this as an explanation. Sure, Shiv wants Andrew to kill Bridget, but she supposedly wants the flash drive to ruin Martin/Charles as well. If she ruins Martin/Charles, isn't it likely to come out that she was siphoning off funds? My head hurts almost as much as my back right now. Anyhow, Henry tells Shiv this is no longer about money. It's about starting their life together. Henry will make sure Arbogast will blow the whistle and this can all be over. This mightn't be her perfect revenge because Bridget won't die, but if they're going to try to build a life together, maybe she needs to let go of that goal.
Over at Park Ave. Bridget and Juliet are eating breakfast as Andrew talks on the phone with a worried investor. After the call ends, he explains to the ladies that his clients are nervous since Olivia's departure and Andrew's "accident."
Juliet: Daddy, don't be so Welsh. You can say, "I got shot." It will give you street cred.
When Andrew takes another call, Bridget tries to talk Juliet out of an upcoming meeting with Catherine, but Juliet says she's going through with it for her daddy. Seeing him with a hole in his chest has inspired her to be the perfect daughter. Juliet refuses and leaves for school. Once Bridget is alone, she calls the Rock Springs, Wyoming PD and asks for Detective Jimmy Kemper, only to learn he's no longer on the force.
In the car with Solomon, Bridget explains that she did some research and learned Jimmy is in prison. He confessed to the murders of Mary "Tara Maclay" Curtis and Shaylene Briggs. Bridget knows damned well he didn't kill Shaylene, because she saw Bodaway Macawi do it. She explains that Jimmy is the one who convinced her to run and we flash back to that sad little no-tell motel in Wyoming, but it's just exposition we've already gotten before and it's not for our benefit. It's for Bridget's. Solomon says he's done his research and while Guyliner is obsessed with nailing Macawi, he's clean. Bridget realizes she trusted the wrong guy. I would imagine that's a life theme with her, yeah? Bridget feels horrible. While Andrew thinks everything that happened is Guyliner's fault, it's really hers. She should have just stayed and testified. She tells Solomon she's ready to do it now.
We flash back to eleven months ago. Guyliner is questioning a drugged-out Bridget about Shaylene's murder. He can help her avoid jail time if she'll testify against Bodaway Macawi. Then he'll put her in the Witness Protection Program. It's a whole new life and it looks like she needs one. When Bridget is unsure, Guyliner reminds her that Shaylene always looked out for her, so maybe it's time to repay the favor. This gets to Bridget.
Back in the present, Solomon is concerned. He feels responsible for her safety, but he doesn't know how to help her with this. Bridget says it's okay. She knows someone who can. She places a call to Guyliner, but he ignores it because he's staking out the dry cleaner shop. Oh my poor Richard Alpert. He sees a customer turn in a tarot card. When the guy comes out, Guyliner stops him and asks to take a look at the suit. It's got a secret compartment full of money. When the guy won't talk about the tarot cards or the money laundering, etc., Guyliner gets a little antsy. Then the man pulls a gun on him. Guyliner loses control and roughs him up. Passersby catch the whole scene on their phones. Back at the FBI office, he's taken off the case and suspended.
Juliet goes to see Catherine. She's not there to make up, but says Andrew owes her an in-person apology for running away. She's also there because she wants something from Catherine. Andrew's struggling financially. He's going to sell off the Palm Springs house.
Catherine: Who cares? Palms Springs is for gays and old people.
Juliet: Mom we spent every winter of my childhood there. I love that place. He's already got a buyer sniffing around -- some guy named Tobias Schecht.
Catherine: I totally recognize that name, so of course I'll lie that I don't.
Juliet: Daddy shouldn't have to give up anything else because of us. You have my money, Tessa's money and probably have Mr. C's cut, too. Heaven knows you can come up with a lie to explain having that kind of money.
Catherine: It is my gift.
Meanwhile, Henry confronts Tim Arbogast on the street. He tries to talk him into taking the flash drive to the authorities. Arbogast now knows the fund is a scam and wonders how Henry got ahold of the flash drive. He lies that he downloaded it from Andrew's computer. Tim says once the fund is exposed, the investors will lose everything and if there's one thing he hates, it's losing money. Henry asks what he's going to do. Tim says, "Don't worry, son. I'll do what's best." From the menace in his voice, Tool Belt, I don't think what's best for him is also best for you.
Now we see Guyliner getting suspended, but I already mentioned that. Oh wait, there is some pertinent information here. The Feds were tapping Eknath's phone. He hadn't communicated with Macawi in months -- since he let Malcolm escape. Guyliner argues that Eknath may have been trying to get back into Macawi's good graces by tracking down Malcolm and finding who he thought was Bridget. Agent Whoever shouts Guyliner down and demands his badge and gun.
Catherine meets with Tobias Schecht (Christopher Cousins). She misrepresents herself as Andrew's wife and says she's taking the meeting because Andrew got hung up. Catherine gets Toby to admit that he's interested in the property, not for itself, but because he runs a green energy firm. He wants their wind-rich land for business purposes. Toby asks if they can arrive at a mutually satisfying figure.
Bridget-as-Shiv meets Guyliner at some loud bar that does not seem at all his style. He tells her Andrew will be happy to hear he got suspended. Bridget is genuinely sorry to hear that. He tells her the boss believes Eknath is no longer working for Bodaway, so her police detail has been pulled. Guyliner still thinks it's possible Eknath was trying to get rid of Malcolm and Bridget to get back in Macawi's good graces. He also thinks he could have had an accomplice. He believes Bridget-as-Shiv is still in danger. Bridget-as-Shiv offers to testify against Macawi, so like, she'd be Bridget-as-Shiv-as-Bridget. All Guyliner has to do is tell her what to say, and she'll say it. Guyliner points out how illegal that would be, and it would put her in Macawi's crosshairs. He can't risk having more blood on his hands.
Bridget-as-Shiv says her "sister" talked to her about Guyliner before she ran. "She" wondered why he was so driven to nail Macawi. Guyliner says Macawi killed an informant of his. We flashback to the strip club. Bridget's wearing a spectacularly poufy blonde wig, streaked with both pink and purple. She's talking to Shaylene, who warns her to keep her distance from Macawi, because he's evil and all. Talk turns to Shaylene's mystery boyfriend. Shaylene tells Bridget that if things go the way they want them to, she shouldn't have to keep him a secret much longer.
Back in the present, Bridget-as-Shiv puts together the pieces and realizes Guyliner was in love with Shaylene. She tells him it's written all over his face. Guyliner is near tears when he confides that he promised to keep Shaylene safe and he failed. Bridget says, "No you didn't," but yeah, he kinda did. Poor Guyliner. He says he's finally getting the message that getting Bodaway is not nearly as important as keeping innocent people safe. He apologizes to Bridget.
Back at Park Ave. Andrew is on the phone, talking business. He cuts the call short when Catherine comes in. She tells him she's been trying to think of ways to help. She can buy the Palm Springs property and keep it in the family. Andrew asks how she's gone from pleading poverty to making this sort of offer. Catherine lies that she inherited money from her Aunt Miriam. She offers $3 million, but Andrew tells her the land is worth at least three times that. Besides, he knows she's hardly an altruist. Over drinks, Catherine confesses that she low-balled him. She wants it because Juliet seems really attached to the Palm Springs house. They talk about old times there. Reminiscing leads to kissing. Andrew indulges for a few seconds, but then tells her while it's a no to the kiss, he will entertain a fair offer for the property.
Back at the bar, Bridget is getting ready to leave when Guyliner proposes another way to keep her and her family safe. He asks if she trusts him. Bridget nods and says she does. He proposes they kill Bridget. Bridget being Bridget is a little unsure of this plan, until Guyliner explains that they can fake her death, videotape it and leak the footage. Bodaway, et al, will think she's dead.
Siobhan is watching Bridget and Guyliner from outside the bar and indulges in a little fantasy. She imagines Bridget returning to Park Ave, where Shiv is waiting for her with a gun. Imaginary Bridget is shocked to learn her sister is still alive. Imaginary Shiv goes on about how back in Tahoe, Bridget destroyed everything she touched, but now that she's assumed Shiv's life, she's made everything work. Andrew loves her. "What do you have that I don't?" Imaginary Shiv takes a beat, then adds, "...but, Henry's right. I need to move on. I need to forgive you, but I can't." Imaginary Shiv aims her weapon and fires. Back outside the bar, Shiv stares at her sister, and of course, at her own reflection in the window.
The day, Catherine is on the phone confirming that her lawyer wired the $10 million to Andrew for the property. She assures her lawyer that while it's a high price, it's a steal for what she's going to get back for it. She ends the call and goes to meet Toby and close the sale. He's waiting at a bar and smiles when he sees her. Then Andrew turns around and smiles at her, too. Catherine's all, "What are you doing here?" Andrew tells her he's beating her at her own game, and then thanks Toby for playing along. Toby owed him one, so it's no big deal. Besides, he says it was, "Fun."
After Toby leaves, Andrew tells Cattie he knows all about the Mr. Carpenter scam. We flash back to Juliet's confession, one week ago. At first, Andrew was furious at a very contrite Juliet. Back in the present, he chides Catherine for both fleecing him, and nearly tearing him and Juliet apart. They found common ground over how sick they are of Catherine. He rubs it in her face that their plan was a real family effort, and also that the land is worth significantly less than what she paid for it. Maybe she'll make up her loss in a couple of decades. He then tells her to stay away from Juliet, or he'll have her parental rights stripped so fast that her head will spin.
Back home, Henry is searching the web to see if news of the Martin/Charles Ponzi scheme story has broken yet. There's a knock on the door. It's the police. They want to question him about Tyler Barrett's murder.
Bridget and Guyliner enter a deserted building. She's dressed the way she used to dress, before she assumed Shiv's life and cracktacular wardrobe. Guyliner points out an old mattress and says that's where he'll have her lie down. He tosses her a bag of fake blood. It's for their fake death scene, but it's a nice sight gag for the Buffy fans watching. I half expect her to stick a straw in it, and hand it to Spike or Angel. Solomon calls to see if she's still going to testify. She says she's decided on a different plan to stay safe. Across the street, the sniper sets up his gun and trains his sight on Bridget. Commercial.
Bridget and Guyliner are moving around too much. The sniper can't line up a good shot, so he puts away his rifle and pulls out a handgun.
At the police station, Henry insists he didn't kill Tyler. The cop asks who did then, and adds that they got a tip linking Henry to the crime. They have surveillance footage putting him at the scene. Henry says he's going to call his lawyer -- Hubble and Meyer. The cop notes they're a top firm and asks if Henry can afford them. Henry says Meyer is a good friend of his father-in-law. The cop says he'd better call a public defender then, because his father-in-law is the one who turned him in. Is that even legal? Seriously, a cop wouldn't give that kind of information to a suspected killer, right?
Back at the abandoned building, Guyliner gets a call from the coroner, who puts Eknath's death at two weeks ago, which is a few days prior to when Andrew got shot. Someone else wanted Bridget dead. Just then, Bridget sees a masked gunman enter the room. She shouts for Guyliner to get down. They duck. Guyliner throws some boards at the gunman, giving himself time to hide, but he doesn't take Bridget with him. Great, now they're making Carbonell play a chicken, too. The gunman aims at Bridget. She dives for the mattress. The gunman shoots a few more rounds. Guyliner watches from around a corner. The gunman approaches Bridget's body. She sure looks dead. And then? The goober BLINKS HER EYES. The gunman takes aim, but Guyliner takes him out before he can shoot Bridget. Guyliner rushes to Bridget's side. "Siobhan!" Bridget sits up and holds up the now used fake blood packet. "I didn't know what else to do." That's the smartest thing you've ever done on this show, Bridget. Good girl. On the other hand, the blinking might have been the stupidest.
Guyliner helps Bridget to her feet and then strips the face mask off the gunman. It's the same guy who tried to get the hitman's cell phone back earlier in the season. Guyliner realizes she recognizes the gunman and asks who he is. Bridget says, "I don't know. He tried to kill me a few months ago." Guyliner says she needs to tell him everything she knows -- who's after her and who wants her dead. Just then, the gunman's cell phone rings. Guyliner figures that someone is checking to see if the job is done. He answers the phone with a, "Yeah." When no one answers, he says, "Hello."
We cut to a bright room, and see the back of a blonde woman's head. She turns around. It's CATHERINE on the other end of the phone. Guyliner again says, "Hello." Catherine hangs up and sits down, seemingly in shock. Grrr argh.
I'll be back week with coverage of "If You're Just An Evil Bitch Then Get Over It." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we'd rather kill Siobhan.