In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Ringlets, I'm sorry, but what was that mess? I feel like I watched 40 minutes of exposition and two minutes of new story. The show is being miserly with revelations. I wish every show runner in the world would sit down and watch the first season of The Vampire Diaries to learn how to build suspense and keep the plot twisting, while still rewarding the audience for tuning in. I hope I feel differently when I watch this week's Ringer again (and again) while writing up the full weecap, but right now, I am not a happy Scooby. Here, have some "high" lights.
Malcolm is missing. Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado looks for him. Bridget and Solomon look for him. Andrew looks for him, or at least tries to cover his tracks and swipe the security footage from Malcolm's hotel, but Bridget and Solomon get to it first. Guyliner is a distant third, but he does at least learn that Andrew was looking for the footage, too. Guyliner also discovers that the late Tyler Boytoy was going to blow the whistle on Martin/Charles Financial's Ponzi scheme.
By the way, Malcolm seems to have been staying at some "affordable" Manhattan hotel, but last week, we saw Andrew outside the ritzy Soho Diamond (which is where Tyler was staying when he was killed). The time we saw Andrew I think was when he showed up at Malcolm's room which, granted, looked like budget accommodations. So while I'm not surprised Malcolm wasn't staying at the Diamond, I'm starting to feel like the show is messing with us too much -- not in a clever way, but in a way that makes me want to disengage. If what I'm seeing on my screen doesn't matter -- why bother watching at all?
Anyhow, Siobhan returns to New York, and comes clean-ish with Henry. He's ready to toss her to the curb when she confesses to her affair with Tyler Boytoy. Henry is appalled by her admission that she faked her own death and set up her desperate twin to assume her life just so said desperate twin would die in her place. Then Shiv tells him about her motive. Shiv thinks Bridget deserves to die because she "killed" Sean, which hey, she so did not. Sure, Bridget shouldn't have crossed her sister and taken Sean out with his daddy, but Sean's death was a tragic accident. I mean, the accident wasn't even Misha Collins's fault. I'm so disappointed that there's not more to Shiv's insanity. Shiv continues to perpetrate the lie that Bridget is responsible for Gemma's murder, too. She's evil -- crazy evil, but evil.
Anyhow, remember a couple of episodes ago when Shiv let Henry listen to that recording she kept in the safety deposit box? It was audio of Andrew threatening to kill Siobhan. We're treated to a flashback scene in which the threat is made, but we get it during Shiv's lie-packed confession to Henry, so I'm disinclined to believe my own two eyes, and wonder if there wasn't another context for the threat -- entirely. Then I start wondering, again, if there's any reason to care about what I'm seeing on my screen.
By episode's end, someone claiming to be Malcolm (with a new phone) texts Bridget and asks her to meet him at the loft. Would Malcolm even know where the loft is? Bridget goes, but she takes Solomon with her. Solomon, by the way, admits to Bridget that he knows she's Bridget. While Sol is scoping out the roof access to the loft, Andrew shows up. Bridget thinks he's going to kill her, but he claims he's just there because Juliet told him she was going there, and he wants to confess his love. We cut to the outside. Guyliner is just arriving. Shots are fired up on the roof. Guyliner rushes to the loft. Solomon explains that someone hit him over the head, then took a shot at Bridget-as-Shiv. The camera pans to the floor where Andrew lies, bleeding and unconscious. Bridget says Andrew took a bullet for her. I'd be more upset by this if I thought there was a chance in hell that they'd kill him off, and if I weren't already so ticked off.
The weird thing (ha, I say that like there's just one weird thing) is that the real Siobhan was just at Andrew's office a little while before this loft scene, pretending to be Bridget-as-Shiv. While there, Shiv-as-Bridget-as-Shiv called Andrew out on being a crook and said she does not love him. This makes me wonder if Andrew has known for a while that he's been living with and falling in love with Bridget. Similarly, when Guyliner watches Bridget-as-Shiv cry over Andrew, it seems he might recognize her for who she truly is, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.
I haven't even hit Juliet's ridiculous accidental meet-up with the guy who beat Tessa, nor her realization that Catherine was behind the beating. I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we'd take a bullet for ya.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Buffy: Cindy. Cindy! What are you doing in bed? You've got a deadline.
Recapper: My back's bothering me, B.
Buffy: Your back has been bothering you for months. Get up and get cracking. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
Recapper: The hardest thing with this episode is to rewatch it in order to write about it. Please don't make me, Buffy. I can't.
Buffy: Of course you can. There are two of me in it. Doesn't that mean double the fun?
Recapper: Well, I thought it would, but this week, not so much.
Buffy: Come on. Your kids only have a half day today. If you don't write it now, you'll never get it done. I'll help you. You start. I'll get you a cup of coffee and a pill.
Recapper: I wish I had your supernaturally fast healing ability, but that'll do for now. Thanks. Okay, so, Siobhan stands in front of an obvious green screen which is standing in for Paris at night. She calls Henry "Tool Belt" Butler, back in NYC. When she tells him she got Tyler to change his mind and return to Paris, instead of going to the SEC, Tool Belt informs Shiv that Tyler is dead, and the flash drive is gone. Shiv, loves a good I told you so moment, so she reminds Henry that she said Andrew and Olivia would kill to protect their dirty secrets. We flash back to...
Six months ago in Manhattan. Andrew yells at Siobhan that she has no proof Martin/Charles is dealing dirty. She mentions Wesson Accounting. Andrew calls her a conniving bitch and gets vaguely threatening, so Shiv ups the stakes and asks Andrew what he'll do to her. Andrew says, "I'll kill you. I mean it, Siobhan. I'll see you dead." This is the first flashback I don't believe, and when I don't believe flashbacks, I feel like my time is wasted. Maybe this all went down, but right now I feel like it's just another lie Shiv is selling to Henry.
Henry's still on the phone with her when the flashback ends and she reminds him what she showed him in the safe deposit box. We flashback two weeks. Henry and Siobhan are at the bank. He's listening to the recording, but this time, we get to hear it, too. Andrew's voice says, "I'll kill you. I mean it, Siobhan. I'll see you dead." If it seems like I'm repeating myself, it's only because I am. Buffy, save me. I can't...
Buffy: Okay, I've got this. So we're still in that two week flashback. Mean Me takes out an envelope that contains photos of ourself, because Mean Me loves nothing better than pictures of ourself.
Buffy-Bot: We're very pretty.
Buffy: Shiv tells Henry that she hired a PI who discovered someone was following her -- a hit-man. The PI broke into the hit-man's apartment and found it covered with surveillance photos of Siobhan. I'm surprised she didn't take that as an invitation to live with him. Maybe they weren't large and loom-y enough. Anyhow, two days before Shiv switched places with Bridget, the PI took pictures of the hit-man outside the loft. Mean Me tells Tool Belt that Andrew and Olivia (and I can confirm she's a vampire) killed Tyler for the flash drive and they won't stop there.
Recapper: It's a dark and stormy night back in Manhattan. Andrew and Vampiress Olivia are working late reviewing the files on Ty's flash drive, which have turned out to be gibberish. Andrew wonders if Ty ever truly had the files. Olivia reminds Andrew that the SEC offered Tyler immunity. They never would have done so unless he had something substantial. Andrew asks if someone could have switched drives before Olivia got to Tyler. She doesn't know. When he left her limo, he ran right back to his room, but she wasn't far behind. She wonders who else knew why Tyler was in NYC. Andrew suggests Malcolm, but Olivia points out Malcolm never accessed personnel files, so Tyler's name wouldn't mean anything to him -- but it would to Siobhan. Andrew says Olivia's being ridiculous. Olivia tells him that if Siobhan has Tyler's flash drive, Andrew better deal with Shiv, severely. So, do you think Olivia has the real flash drive and is just trying to manipulate Andrew? I guess Olivia's final scene in this episode makes that less likely, but I don't want to jump ahead.
Buffy: Good girl. The only way out is through. Soooooo, meanwhile, Bridget leaves another rambly message on Malcolm's voicemail. Poor Nice Me. We're very worried about our hottie sponsor. , Nice Me goes digging through our boots. We're looking for the dead hit man's cell phone, but don't find it. Andrew finds Bridget in their dressing room and informs her Tyler was killed at the Soho Diamond. He then says she's in over her head. He knows she and Tyler were planning to turn him in to the SEC. Bridget gives him our sincere face. "I already told you I wasn't." Andrew doesn't believe her. When she starts to leave, Andrew grabs her by the arm and demands to know where the flash drive is. Nice Me is all, "What are you talking about?" because she really doesn't know what he's talking about. I wish she wouldn't let him manhandle her, though. Throw him through a wall, Nice Me! You can always apologize later. When Andrew accuses Bridget of playing him, she tells him she's going back to her hotel. Nice Me is too nice.
Recapper: It's daytime, by the way. Out in the car, Solomon asks Bridget if she found the phone. She says someone must have taken it. That phone was her only insurance policy. "Tyler Barrett knew about the Ponzi scheme and now he's dead. Without that phone, there's nothing to stop the hit man from coming after me again." Title card.
Buffy: Oh, look, The Vampire Diaries comes back Thursday night. Nummy Salvatore. I'd hit that.
Recapper: Which one?
Buffy: Which one is more likely to go completely evil after sleeping with me?
Recapper: It's a tossup. Let's get back to Ringer, though. It's daytime in Why-Oh-Why Wyoming outside Club Caged. Two strippers are making out, against a parked car, as Guyliner watches. Oh wait, that's not two strippers; it's Bodaway Macawi and a stripper. Macawi walks over to Guyliner's car. Guyliner thinks he's soon going to have all the evidence he needs to lock up Macawi, so he's a little too cocky. Poor old Guyliner. He's wax rhapsodic about his coffee. When Macawi asks if he found Bridget Kelly yet, Guyliner laughs that he's not even looking for Bridget anymore. He just wanted a last look at Macawi's club before Macawi is nailed and the building gets turned into a doggy-daycare or something. Heh. He soon leaves to catch his flight to New York.
Solomon is still driving Bridget around as she places another call to Malcolm's voice mail. When Solomon comments that they're flying blind, Bridget remembers the tracking application Malcolm installed on their phones. She uses it and seems surprised by Mal's location.
Olivia is at Park Ave. where Andrew informs her that Bridget-as-Shiv was truly clueless when he mentioned the flash drive. She taunts him about being a lovesick school boy. Andrew grabs her arm. "Oh, enough. Save it for someone who still runs at the sound of your bleating." That was some delicious cheese. He orders her to find the flash drive. She thinks he's wrong and that Shiv is the one who has it.
When Olivia takes off -- presumably for her crypt -- Juliet calls out for Andrew. He didn't even realize it was Saturday, so is surprised she's home. When she finds out he and Bridget-as-Shiv are still fighting, she's sweet and sympathetic. She reminds him how she used to say they didn't need Siobhan. "I was wrong. We do need Siobhan. I can't believe I'm saying this, but she makes us better." When Andrew agrees, Juliet tells him to undo whatever he did to make her leave, or suggests he pull a Hot Tub Time Machine/Say Anything shout-out, and stand outside her hotel with a boom box over his head, as he begs for a second chance. Andrew says it's not that easy. He's Welsh, see, so it's probably not a cultural touchstone for him, but Andrew dear, if it worked for John Cusack, it could work for you. Nice Buffy is an easy touch.
At the New York bureau, Agent Handsome informs Guyliner that Malcolm has gone missing. They're already checking on his phone, bank and credit card activity. Agent Handsome suggests that maybe Mal just got cold feet.
Buffy: I really think Guyliner is ready to cry.
Recapper: Wouldn't you cry, if you were in this show, Buffy?
Buffy: I just died twice.
Recapper: Oh, sorry, honey. Anyhow, Bridget and Solomon have tracked Malcolm to an abandoned building/drug den.
Buffy: All right, why does she not have a stake? She's walking -- unarmed -- into a classic example of a vampire nest. Nice Me, why are you so unprepared?
Recapper: She doesn't know about vampires, Buffy.
Buffy: Bull. She's met Olivia.
Recapper: Point taken, B. Hey, Bridget, you should have a stake!
Buffy: Why isn't Nice Me listening to you?
Recapper: I don't know, but you never have, girl.
Solomon proceeds down a dangerous-looking staircase. He tells Bridget to wait, but she wants to go with him. He acquiesces, but then she doesn't follow him until he gets to the bottom and gives her the all-clear. Before she can head down the steps, someone grabs Bridget from behind. "You got money, bitch?"
Buffy: Why isn't Nice Me beating him to a bloody pulp?
Recapper: She doesn't remember she's a slayer, Buff.
Buffy: Oh no. Did Willow do another Tabula Rasa spell?
Willow: Hey, don't look at me, I'm too busy sitting through what feels like the 21st season of HIMYM these days to do much else. Besides, even when you thought you were just Joan, your slayer strength kicked in, when you were under attack.
Buffy: Do you think Giles drugged Nice Me, with that Crucifictorious serum?
Giles: It's cruciamentum, Buffy, and I'll have you know I've done no such thing. That said, apparently Nice You has quite the checkered past. Perhaps she inadvertently got ahold of some, as they say, bad shit.
Recapper: Yeah, like the plot of this episode. Anyhow, Solomon saves Bridget and beats the stuffing out of the assailant. They walk off, leaving him lying on the floor. Poor mugger doesn't even get a name. I think I shall call him Plot Point to Make Bridget At Least Think She Can Trust Solomon, or PPtMBALTSCTS, for short.
Anyhow, as Bridget and Solomon continue through the drug den, Bridget calls Mal's cell again. They hear it ringing and find it, but not Malcolm. Some poor junkie has the phone and claims he found it in a dumpster behind the car wash. Solomon says they should go back to the beginning
Buffy: Is that a First Evil reference?
Recapper: I wish. But nope, he just means Malcolm's hotel.
Over at the FBI Office, Agent Handsome has no information for Guyliner, except that his last known place of employment was Martin/Charles Financial. When Guyliner arrives at the office, he thanks Andrew and the Vampiress for coming in on their day off. He asks questions about Malcolm -- most importantly -- when they last saw him. Olivia says it was the day he was fired. Andrew stupidly lies that the same is true for him. Olivia digs up Malcolm's address for Guyliner. He hopes that once he knows where Mal was living, he can find a witness, physical evidence or security camera footage. Andrew needs to change his pants right about now. We flashback to Andrew's visit to Malcolm's room for but a second. Back in the present, Andrew gulps as we cut to commercial.
After the break, Bridget distracts the desk clerk at Malcolm's motel, while Solomon steals the security camera footage.
Juliet goes to visit her mother, and has to endure the stupidest scene I've ever seen on this show. She pushes the elevator button. A guy comes up from behind her, and pulls her iPod earbuds out of her ears. She turns to him. "That was rude." Rude Guy says, "Took the words right out of my mouth. Why don't you pop those out and participate?" Participate in what? This is so contrived, and poorly contrived at that. I don't even want to bother you with it.
Buffy: Okay, look, here's what you need to know. This guy is being an utter asshole, so that makes Juliet like him, because she's cookie dough. She's not done baking yet. The camera makes sure to focus on his tattoo, so expect that to matter, before the end of the episode. It also focuses on his bleeding knuckles, and I'm not being British-y with that 'bleeding' business. They're torn up. Rude Guy says he got mad at his boss and punched a hole in her wall. Juliet declares that "awesome," shows him her phone, I guess so he can memorize her digits and learn her name.
Recapper: Catherine takes Juliet for lunch and presents her with a pair of diamond earrings to wear at She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Andrew's vow renewal, and tells the kid to make sure Daddy knows Mommy got her the earrings. Juliet says the vow renewal is looking less likely. Cattie can't wait to hear the gossip.
Guyliner gets to Malcolm's motel. The desk clerk can't give him the security footage, because it's missing. He found out when some British guy came in earlier, looking for it. See, people. Andrew is no criminal mastermind.
Back at Park Ave, I think, Bridget and Sol watch the footage. Bridget is chilled to see Andrew at Malcolm's door and berates herself for being so stupid to trust Andrew when there's been so much evidence all along pointing to him being a murderer. I'll spare you the flashes. Solomon tells her to end the charade now and go to the police. Bridget says she can't. Solomon knows why -- she can't go, because she's not Siobhan Martin; she's Bridget Kelly. FINALLY something happened in this episode. Finally!
Because this episode wouldn't exist without exposition, Solomon explains how he knows Bridget is Bridget. She asked such weird questions when she first got in touch with him, and no longer seemed to suffer from carsickness (apparently Shiv couldn't text, or the like -- she had to look straight ahead) so he did some snooping around, took prints off a drinking glass and figured it out.
Siobhan calls Henry who is tired of her incessant calls about the flash drives, but SURPRISE, she's calling from INSIDE THE HOUSE. Okay, just outside. Henry lets her in, but tells her she has to "straight shoot" with him about everything. Poor Tool Belt, out here in the world, while a person is a straight shooter, what that straight shooter does is shoot straight. Shiv admits she slept with Tyler, but swears it was only to get him to help uncover the Ponzi scheme. Henry can't understand what is so important to her that she was willing to destroy their relationship and set up her own sister -- to die. Siobhan says, "Bridget killed my son." And, no she did not, but I hit that in the recaplet.
Back at the FBI Office, Guyliner exposits to a skeptical Agent Handsome about Andrew. Someone brings Guyliner a New York police report, from which he learns Tyler Boytoy had an SEC immunity agreement, because he was ready to blow the whistle on Martin/Charles.
At Gramercy Park West, Shiv tells Henry that when she lost Sean, she lost everything. She admits she set up the identity swap once she realized Andrew was planning to kill her. She admits paying Officer Jimmy to encourage and allow Bridget to run off. She finally admits to faking her own death. She wanted Andrew to kill Bridget -- thinking she was Shiv. This would give her time to collect evidence about the Ponzi scheme. She knew Bridget would step into her shoes, because she was so desperate. When Henry can't get past that Shiv was willing to let Bridget die, Shiv says, "She deserves it, for what she did to Sean, and what she did to Gemma." She plays the Andrew-fear card some more, and the I'm-having-your-twins card again, and begs Henry for the happiness she deserves. Oh yes, TV Powers That Be, please let Siobhan get what she deserves.
In the Park Ave apartment, Bridget is worried Solomon will reveal her secrets. He pretty much says he doesn't care which Siobhan Martin writes his checks, so long as they keep coming. As he sees it, he has an interest in keeping Bridget alive. Just then, Bridget gets a text from Henry. He apologizes for yesterday and says he need to talk to her about Tyler Barrett. He'll be at her apartment in an hour.
Juliet's at some coffee bar when she gets a text from Rude Guy. His handle is Cash4Ever. She's texting back and forth with him when Tessa Troublemaker comes in. She still looks beat up, but at least she's out of that coma. Juliet shows Tessa Cash Chilton's webpage, with a giant picture of him on it, looking like an utter dork. Tessa immediately recognizes his tattoo. Cash is her attacker. Yawn.
Juliet rushes to Cattie's hotel room and starts packing up her mother's thing as she explains they're in danger from Cash, but then she notices the hole in the wall, right behind Catherine's head. She flashes back to Cash telling her how his boss pissed him off, so he punched a hole in the wall. Juliet freaks when she realizes Catherine was behind the attack on Tessa. Catherine explains she only paid Cash to scare Tessa, but "that idiot" took it up a notch, so she only gave him half his fee. Juliet accuses her mother of doing it to get Tessa's share of the money. Cattie says if Tessa kept going through money like water, the cops would have taken them all down. Juliet tells Catherine she hates her and never wants to see her again, but c'mon, that's probably not a first between these two. As she leaves though, Juliet utters the words previously least likely to cross her lips: "I wish Siobhan was my mother."
Andrew is still at work. He leaves Juliet a voicemail saying he's been thinking about what she said that morning. He's going to do everything possible to work out things with Shiv. Just then, Siobhan (real Siobhan) arrives, pretending to be Bridget, pretending to be Shiv, so let's call her Shiv-as-Bridget-as-Shiv. She asks how he had Tyler Barrett murdered.
We cut to Park Ave. Solomon and Bridget are still waiting for Henry, who is never going to show. He's just keeping Bridget occupied, while Shiv-as-Bridget-as-Shiv confronts Andrew. Tool Belt.
Back at Martin/Charles, Shiv-as-Bridget-as-Shiv gives poor Andrew an earful. "I can't continue living this lie, anymore, and I certainly don't like the person I've become these last few months." When Andrew says he doesn't understand, Shiv says, "I don't love you anymore, Andrew. I don't even like you. Is that clear enough for you? I've tried to make peace with the man you are, but there's no way to do that. You and your business partner are criminals and you both deserve to be in jail." When she turns to walk away, she indulges in an evil smile. Hiding behind a corner in Andrew's office, Olivia has heard every word.
Henry's sitting at home, ignoring Bridget's texts when Shiv returns, saying, "If [Andrew] doesn't want to kill [Bridget-as-Shiv] now, he never will." She sits on the couch and opens her coat. Henry places his hand on her sizable baby bump. I can only hope Andrew noticed it, too (although it wasn't noticeable in the scene). Henry kisses Shiv. We cut to...
Olivia. She's in the back of her limo, yelling into the phone that whoever she's talking to isn't listening. "Siobhan's going to blow the lid off of everything. I need to get out of town while there's still a chance. It's over for Martin/Charles. There's nothing you can do." I have a brief fantasy that Olivia in in cahoots with Catherine, but I'll keep it to myself.
Bridget is fed up waiting for Henry. She and Sol are ready to set off for points unknown when Bridget gets a new text. It reads: "GOT NEW PHONE. IN TROUBLE. CAN'T GO IT ALONE. MEET ME AT LOFT IN 1 HOUR. -- MALCOLM." Solomon says they'd better stop at his place and get a gun first, just to play it safe.
Buffy: Those things? Never helpful.
Recapper: Um, it's different outside Sunnydale, B. Anyhow, just then, a tearful Juliet arrives home. Bridget tells Solomon to get the car and she'll join him in a minute. Once the women are alone, Juliet asks if Bridget-as-Shiv is coming back. She says she isn't. She just had to do something. Juliet tells her to go if she is busy. Bridget explains that she got a text from Malcolm and thinks he needs help. Bridget tries to get Juliet to talk, but Juliet says they can talk about it later -- maybe plan a trip to the beach house, to get away from everything. They hug. Aw.
Bridget calls out for Malcolm as she and Solomon enter the dark loft. Sol runs upstairs to check the terrace roof access. Once Bridget is alone, Andrew appears. After we return from commercial Bridget asks how Andrew knew where to find her. He says Juliet told him she got a text from Malcolm. Bridget cowers. "Solomon is on the roof." Andrew says that's fine. Bridget then accuses Andrew of sending the fake Malcolm text. "I won't let you hurt me." Andrew says, "Hurt you? Why would I hurt you? I love you, Siobhan. That's what I came to tell you. I don't care how much you hate me right now. I'll accept it, because I believe what we have is worth the pain."
Buffy: I thought the kid gets to say the episode titles.
Recapper: She'd better talk to her agent. Anyhow, Andrew says, "I'll do anything for you." Bridget whispers his name, and then from across the loft, someone fires a shot at her. We cut to the street, where Guyliner is just arriving. He hears at least one shot and then two more. He sees the flashes coming from the Martins' loft, draws his service revolver and hurries to the loft. When he kicks in the door, he sees Sol holding a gun and yells, "FBI, drop it." Sol complies and calmly explains he works for "Mrs. Martin." He says he was on the terrace when someone hit him on the head (he does have a wound). "By the time I got in here, he had fired on her. We exchanged shots and he took off."
Guyliner tells Solomon to take out his cell phone and call 9-1-1. We pan to the floor. Bridget is sitting with Andrew's head in her lap. "Andrew jumped in front of the bullet. He saved my life." She cries as Guyliner takes out his handkerchief and presses it on Andrew's wound (which seems to be in the upper righthand side of his chest).
Buffy: Don't cry, Nice Me. There's no way they're killing him off. So Cindy, what do you want to do now?
Recapper: Let's go watch my Friday Night Lights DVDs and cry.
Buffy: Mmm. Excellent choice. Tim Riggins does not give me a wiggins.
I'll be back week with coverage of, "That Woman's Never Been A Victim Her Entire Life." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we'd take a bullet for ya.