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As it turns out, flying through the window of a flaming Ferrari doesn't kill you. Well, it doesn't kill you immediately. Father Paul is rolled into the hospital – very much alive – right alongside Conrad only to die off screen. But more importantly: he dies in time to dissolve Conrad's urge to turn to the good side and confess his sins. Instead, he's ready to lie to the police and say that the late Father Paul was driving the Ferrari so he can ensure that he's not tried for manslaughter. Classic Conrad.
The problem is that Emily was also on the scene, so she'll have to testify. She agrees to lie for Conrad and Daniel makes sure she never even has to utter her own words to do it when he pays off the detective. Em's had enough of his coddling and takes revenge by telling Daniel's bio writer about his DUI – a detail which makes it into print in the first issue of Voulez, where Daniel is introduced as the publisher. He's furious and when Emily tells him why she did it, he takes up temporary residence at the South Fork Inn – an unflattering fact that makes it into the ears of both Victoria and Charlotte, a.k.a. Team Axe Emily. It's only a few cut scenes before Daniel questions his marriage to Emily altogether.
Meanwhile, Victoria's got more pressing matters to worry about. Now that she's broke, she's looking to take a job – but not just any job. She asks her friend Sheila, who owns the biggest gallery in the Hamptons, for a job as a dealer. Sheila agrees on the condition that she's able to humiliate Victoria with a "party" to "celebrate" the hire. Patrick, who's proving to be quite the riddle (and potentially a great new boyfriend for Nolan – or at least a great make-out buddy), helps Victoria hatch a plan to make Sheila hand over the entire gallery. He "steals" one of Victoria's paintings and convinces Sheila to illegally sell it to one of Victoria's friends so that Victoria can catch Sheila red-handed. Just like that, Victoria has earned herself her very own prestigious living in the Hamptons.
Her victory doesn't last long though. Conrad quickly completes his transformation from martyr to psychopathic power demon when he gets a call: he's been misdiagnosed as a Huntington's patient and it turns out that Huntington's medication is what triggered the symptoms. He's wresting control of Grayson Manor again and he's fully convinced he's God. And unfortunately for Em, that means no confession and no end to her revenge plan.
But she's got more problems. Jack now wants in; he finally sees that she's got a pretty good point in wanting to take Conrad down. He finds evidence that Conrad had the airbag from his car removed to keep him from a conviction and in the process finds out that someone tampered with Conrad's brakes – the crash couldn't have been Conrad's fault. Jack's upset, but when he realizes Emily plans to take down the Graysons at her wedding, he's determined to help. She won't let him, but he's starting to feel things again, and there's no way he's staying out this time.
And while that tenacity looks good on him, it's about to get him in trouble. Aidan finds out that Emily told Jack her true identity and his green-eyed monster comes out in full force. In one fell swoop, he secures a way to keep Conrad from kicking him out of his temporary residence in the pool house and a way to keep Jack away from Emily: he tells Conrad that someone tampered with his brakes and that Jack wants him dead. And just like that, the infamous love rhombus returns in a flashy, flaming display.
Now this is what a season of Revenge looks like.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!So, as it turns out, flying through the window of a flaming Ferrari doesn't kill you. Well, it doesn't kill you immediately. Father Paul doesn’t die with his face on the pavement; instead the episode opens with both Paul and Conrad on gurneys in the Emergency Room. It seems all is not lost, but while Conrad gloats that he cheated death in his cozy hospital room, Emily tearfully learns Paul’s grim fate (as well as the fate of Conrad’s nascent confession). It’s over, but Emily is determined to make Conrad feel the cold grip of mortality once more and keep his confession on track.
In Conrad’s room, Em enters just in time for all hell to break loose. Charlotte won’t visit Conrad and Victoria takes that notion as the perfect inspiration to tell Daniel that Conrad plans to confess his sins before Huntington’s Disease takes his life. Daniel is quick to turn down the idea and Victoria goes for double: Conrad could be convicted of manslaughter because Father Paul was killed in the accident. Conrad, who’s been slowly brought on over to Emily’s side over the past few episodes, turns to his future daughter-in-law for help. She remembered seeing him come from the passenger’s side of the car, right? Father Paul was the one driving, so Conrad can’t go to jail, right? She agrees, but she sees the beginnings of Conrad’s budding God complex. She is so screwed.
She’s also completely riddled with guilt. Em pays Aidan a sneaky visit after the hospital and tells him she’s afraid it’s her fault Father Paul is dead -- Conrad’s poison meds probably caused another episode. She may have ruined her own plan, but she’s got a way to keep it back on track: Aidan swaps out his Huntington’s meds to help Conrad feel sicker and thus more likely to confess. But even before we got to the end of this episode, it was obvious this plan was severely flawed; the meds don’t garner a confession.
Meanwhile, Charlotte is still hiding from her family and Conrad at the Stowaway. She’s accepted the invitation to be Emily’s maid of honor since she figures Emily and Daniel’s union is inevitable (oh, if only she knew what trouble lies in paradise), and she does her bridesmaid duty by giving Jack an invitation to Emily’s wedding. Jack says he can’t go and that he needs a break from Emily, something that gives Charlotte a small piece of satisfaction.
But the littler Grayson isn’t the only one slummin’ it. Victoria ventures outside of the Manor to get a job -- you know, that thing where a business exchanges money for services? She gets the idea from Patrick, who says she’s still Vicky Harper (her pre-Grayson name), and that Vicky was the young woman who reinvented herself to become the queen of the Hamptons. She can do it again. He originally tries to get her to sell all her paintings and leave the Hamptons, but she gets another idea.
Victoria lowers herself to ask her friend Sheila, who owns the top gallery in the Hamptons, for a job. Sheila gives her the job on the spot on the condition that Victoria invited all her “friends” so everyone can see the "new and improved" Victoria Grayson, a.k.a. the humbled, newly bourgeois Victoria Grayson. For some reason, Victoria agrees to the humiliating exercise.
Over in pre-wedded bliss, Daniel is starting to really chafe Emily’s independent spirit. He gives a detective Emily’s statement for her and pays him to keep her out of everything all together. But Ems isn’t going to be some pretty little caged wife; she finds the woman writing Daniel’s profile for the first issue of American Voulez and gives her one unflattering detail: Daniel’s DUI.
The profile somehow goes to print without Daniel, who’s just the publisher of the magazine, taking one last look and Daniel knows it was Emily who shared the truth. They fight -- Emily only seems mildly annoyed while Daniel is clearly reaching the end of his rope -- and she admits she did it as revenge for his dealings with the detective. Daniel quickly takes up semi-permanent residence at the South Fork Inn, because apparently there are no other hotels in the Hamptons.
While that’s falling apart, Nolan’s relationship with Patrick is ramping up. Nolan purposely runs into Patrick at the beach club, where Pat’s still lamenting his Grayson family exile. He says it might be time for him to leave because he feels like he doesn’t belong, to which Nolan replies, "story of my life." Let the countdown to a pool side make-out begin.
Aidan’s poolside existence isn’t as rosy as Nolan’s though. Within minutes of moving into the Grayson’s cabana, Conrad tells the maid to keep Aidan out of the manor and away from Conrad for his "inevitably short stay." He’s around long enough to learn that Conrad’s bribing the detectives, a fact he immediately takes to Emily like a dog with a dead rat in its mouth. She says already knows, she doesn’t need his help or his emotional support… right before she walks into the Stowaway where Jack is about to blackmail her into letting him help.
Emily’s visit is simply to tell Jack in person that he shouldn’t expect the confession from Conrad, but before she can leave he grabs her: he wants in. Finally, Jack has woken up and he realizes that Conrad killed Declan and Amanda and that Emily’s need for revenge is somewhat understandable. Emily tells him to stay out of it -- she needs him to be her pure little island -- but Jack’s finally got his cojones back.
Nolan is also sticking his nose where he shouldn’t: technology. He wants to find out more about Patrick, and despite his vow to stay offline, he can’t help himself and starts up his laptop like a dying man drinking ice cold water in the desert. It leads him to Florida, where he meets Patrick’s ex-wife, who becomes enraged at the mention of Patrick and only agrees to tell Nolan her story when he offers her a fat wad of cash. Of course no amount of cash could convince the Revenge writers to spill the ex-wife’s beans before a commercial break and several other scenes. Typical.
Instead, we’re treated to Victoria’s own private Mother Boy pageant. Patrick is talking her up, telling her she’ll own the Hamptons once more (right, and she’ll grow purple tentacles, become a sea witch, and try to destroy Ariel in a giant whirlpool of doom). He then says he needs to leave the Hamptons, but Victoria asks him to stay and he immediately changes his feeble little mind. However, immediately after promising to stay, Patrick sells one of Victoria’s paintings for "travel money" without her knowledge. Sheila acts as the reluctant buyer because Patrick knows she’s committed larceny before and he’s willing to hold it over her head. See? This is why knowing what Nolan found out in Florida would be helpful.
But we don’t find out just yet. Jack follows Emily to the junk yard where they find the shell of Conrad’s Ferrari, which has the driver’s side airbag removed. It’s clearly a move to keep evidence of Conrad’s guilt out of the police’s hands. Jack manages to take a video of the car before a truck takes it away and he plans to use it to get Conrad convicted. That’s not good enough for Emily (she wants the moon, after all), but Jack is prepared to tell everyone who she really is if she tries to stop him. She saves this guy’s life with her secret and this is what she gets?
At least she gets some satisfaction from seeing Victoria actually working (and being forced to pay Emily kindness in front of her new boss). They have their usual civil tête-à-tête, where Emily pays over-the-top compliments and apologies, Victoria brings up Daniel’s temporary home at the South Fork Inn, and Emily offers to give Victoria her first commission. She says it with such biting sweetness, I’m surprised she didn’t offer to frame the contract and put it on the fridge for Victoria, too.
Despite the solid burn, the gallery party is a bust because Daniel doesn’t attend and Em can’t force him into a public reconciliation. The puppy is growing up… and talking to the old hound about his relationship issues. Conrad says the thing that kept the fire alive between him and Victoria was fighting without ever surrendering. Daniel believes him and decides not to go to Emily -- hello, there’s fire, but there’s also a dearth of sex and love, and a plethora of lovers on the side. If that’s marriage, I don’t want it. Still, the puppy continues to paw his way to the top, telling Conrad he only fixed the Ferrari investigation to save the family from scandal the week before Voulez launches. Daniel’s not so good at taking marriage advice, but he’s not doing so badly at building his own legacy – something he’ll need to protect like a mother Grizzly.
After accepting the tortuous gallery party as an employment condition, Daniel’s own mama Grizzly is then forced to endure Sheila taking her sales and asking her to change light bulbs instead. As much as I would have loved to see Victoria attempt to perform such a task, her vengeance will do. She pulls Sheila aside and threatens to have her arrested for the larceny of the painting Patrick stole. She doesn’t care if it implicates her son in the process. Victoria says that when Sheila took pleasure in her downfall, she devised a plan to get revenge: Sheila must tell the party guests she’s giving the gallery to Victoria. And while we still don’t know what his ex-wife had to say, Victoria eventually shares her victory with Patrick which means he’s devious, but he’s not willing to turn his back on his mother. She says none of her children has ever made her feel so special. You know, I thought that’s what people said when their children took them to the ballet or threw them a party -- is that not a thing anymore?
And while Victoria is succeeding all over the place, the Graysons’ enemies are crumbling. Jack calls Conrad’s mechanic to find more proof of his tampering, but as it turns out, someone messed with the breaks. Conrad is not responsible for the crash. Because she clearly doesn’t trust him (she only trusts the Jack corner of the love rhombus) Emily checks in with Aidan to see whether or not he tampered with the breaks. He swears he didn’t. In explaining where she got the intel, Emily accidentally betrays the fact that Jack knows her true identity too. She tries to tell Aidan it was just a protective measure, but he knows better and he’s already thinking of all the ways he could crush up Jack’s bones into jelly to keep his romantic rival energy away from Emily.
At the Grayson’s Conrad’s makes an announcement: He’s not actually sick with Huntington’s, it’s the medication that’s been causing his episodes. His sudden God-complex makes him see his Governorship as a dalliance on his path to become (drum roll please) the master of Grayson Manor. Wait, really? He just wants to be the master of his own home? That’s actually kind of sad, and it also means there’s no way in hell he’s ever confessing to his past crimes.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, Daniel asks if Emily is sure she wants to marry him, she says "yes" but Daniel needs to know why. He finds her "I love you" as unconvincing as we’ve known it was all along, and opts to stay at the South Fork another night.
But Nolan fills the happy, romantic void when he tells Patrick and says he found out something about him that makes him happy he stayed in the Hamptons. (Spoiler: It’s that Patrick’s marriage ended because he’s gay – hence the ex-wife who calls him a liar). Patrick plays a little hard to get, but they eventually kiss and agree to share a few glasses of wine. It’s about time Nolan had something good happen to him, even if it’s a Victoria Grayson spawn.
Emily visits Jack again to discuss Conrad’s new lease on life, but Charlotte comes in and knows something’s up. Daniel is at a hotel and Emily and Jack are on friendly terms, despite his declaration that he needed space from Emily. Charlotte hands him his wedding invitation, knowing full well that it hurts Jack to receive it. But he does realize that the wedding is the locale for Emily’s big revenge and he wants in. Em tries to keep him out, but she won’t be able to because Jack’s got feelings again and you can’t stop a Porter with feelings.
Well, you can try, and Aidan certainly will. At the Manor, Victoria and Conrad are arguing over her pool house pet, who she needs to break up Daniel and Emily. This is not something Conrad has ever agreed with, so he chastises her to drop her bone. He wants Aidan gone, but Aidan makes himself an invaluable ally when he enters the room and says that someone tampered with Conrad’s car in attempt to kill him and that Jack Porter has the motivation because he wants Conrad dead. So much for Emily trying to force Jack out of this revenge arena; Aiden just threw him back in.
On the bright side, it seems the show we once loved might have finally returned to us this week. So bring it on, Revenge.