We begin with the Big Bang, as Professor Lampley explains, "It's as probable for a tornado traveling through a junkyard to produce Buckingham Palace than for [sic] life to emerge from the Big Bang, but emerge it did -- into the hands of man." And obviously, that's been such a great success. Roll the obligatory news footage of death and destruction. Actually, I'm in full agreement with the writers so far. People do suck. But I should mention that I've recapped Point Pleasant as well as multiple seasons of 7th Heaven, so I've got a pretty good excuse to be bitter about the state of mankind. I love the image of the different ages of humans as we evolved from those really hunched-up people who were our ancestors billions of years ago. Well, yes, I did major in English and never took a single science course after high school. Why do you ask?
After running through some realistic-looking footage, we settle on a newscaster who tells us the story of Dr. Richard Massey, a Harvard astrophysicist whose daughter Lucinda was murdered by Satanist Isaiah Haden. "Satanist." Gee, there's a word you don't hear in the real news every day. The newscaster says Haden used the girl's heart in some religious ceremony. I guess I'm supposed to be shocked by that, but really, I'm far too busy being perplexed by the fact that, in the scene, Dr. Richard Massey is sitting on the same plane as his nemesis, Satanist Isaiah Haden. He's sitting just a few seats over -- in the same row, even. No, really. In fact, IsaiahSatanist is trying to engage Richard in some friendly chitchat about the turbulence they're flying through. He also has some theories on where each of them might end up should the plane crash. (I'll give you a hint: IsaiahSatanist is probably going to the place with the accordion music.) He thinks he's proving something when he snaps his fingers and the turbulence stops. To tell you the truth, I didn't even notice that the first time I watched, so, as compelling drama goes, it falls a little short. But Isaiah looks completely self-satisfied as he leans back his head for a nap.
Bill Pullman doesn't do much of anything, including acting. He does manage to look mildly annoyed, though, as he goes back to watching the newscast that's on the screen in front of him. The story has to do with the sighting of a shadow on a mountainside -- a shadow that looks like Christ crucified. Am I being overly cynical when I say I'm really not impressed and couldn't care less? Yeah? Well, too bad. Seriously, like God doesn't have better things to do with His or Her time than make shadow puppets on a mountainside? This scene introduces us to Sister Josepha Montafiore, who, unfortunately, is taken in by the "milagro de la montagna." My Spanish is a little rusty, on account of the fact that I've never learned any, but I think that translates to "two guys behind some bushes with a really big slide projector." I mean, this is totally a frat prank.
Dr. Richard arrives at his destination, Boston, where he is harassed by a crowd of reporters. Ready to whisk him away is none other than Martin Starr, or, as he will always be known to me, Bill Haverchuck from Freaks and Geeks! It's kind of a shame that I've never seen Martin in anything else but this show, which is not exactly bowling me over yet. Still, if this helps his career, it will be at least one good thing that came out of this production. I'm not holding out much hope, though.
We interrupt the airport scene to bring you some more fake news footage about some Greek sailors searching for a ferry lost in the Aegean Sea. But there's no sign of a ship sinking. It's like it disappeared into thin air! Without a trace! Sorry. I tried to make that exciting, but, much like the show, I failed. Still, this is an important plot point to remember for later.
Back in Mexico, people are still staring at the shadow on the mountainside. Natascha McElhone tries her damnedest to look thrilled by this "miracle." I wonder if the writers realized that the average viewer is probably so busy staring at Natascha's stunning cheekbones that he or she won't even notice that the milagro de la montagna story leaves a little to be desired in the excitement department. Okay, it leaves a lot to be desired.
Professor Lampley is still nattering on about the fate of the world. He says the last sound heard on earth will be that of the oceans boiling as the sun goes supernova. Cool! I want to hear more gruesome stuff like that, but some dumb-ass student raises his hand to ask, "Is there no room for God in this equation?" After thinking it over, Lampley gives a very good response: "I think there's room in science for everything and everyone, even God." And I agree with him. Still, who asks his prof questions like this one? Isn't that something you work out with your friends over bottle tokes?
The Greek sailors are about ready to give up their search for survivors when they encounter a baby floating on what looks like some debris from a ship. The baby smiles winsomely as we cut to the opening song. It's a real "sweeping orchestral music" moment. Come to the think of it, practically every moment in this show thus far has been of the "sweeping orchestral music" variety.
Our first biblical quote of the evening comes to us in the form of an onscreen graphic that says, "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the judgment come." (Joel 2:31) Wait. There's a book of the Bible written by someone named Joel? I have a minor in Religious Studies, and I didn't know that. But that's most likely because I've always been distracted by other, funnier, names like Obadiah and Habbakuk. Hee! Habbakuk. Someone at the Canadian network I taped this from made the rather unfortunate decision to include another graphic onscreen. It's advertising the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition and looks like it's supposed to have something to do with the Bible quote. This doesn't exactly enhance the dramatic tension.
It is morning, and a father is hassling his daughter Olivia because her pants are cut too low. I think she's also sporting a temporary tattoo, although the lighting in the scene is so dim that I'm just guessing from the context. Dad orders his daughter to wash off the tattoo, and if that makes her too late to catch the bus, so be it. She will have to walk to school. He also threatens to make her attend church. Man, if their church is anything like the one I used to go to, I feel pretty bad for her. Come to think of it, though, the odds of her attending services held by some pompous 174-year-old Estonian guy who's in love with the sound of his own voice really aren't that great. So, actually, I guess it's me we should be feeling sorry for.
The opening credits are done very well, with Olivia running through a golf course while a thunderstorm comes ever closer. It's aesthetically quite beautiful and works dramatically also -- at least until Olivia stops to stand under a tall tree. I want to tell her to, you know, not stand under a big tree during a lightning storm, but I am too busy watching the hands of her watch spin around and around. Seriously, does this actually happen in real life when you're about to get hit by lightning? Because if the writers are making it up, they're falling a little short in the drama department. In fact, we were laughing pretty hard at this part.
Of course, we laughed even harder when lightning came down and struck Olivia. Oh, come on! She's not a real person! Besides, she got knocked right out of her shoes and all the way up into a tree. It's comedy gold! Especially when she gets hit by lightning a second time. This knocks her back down to the ground. Like maybe somebody goofed and she wasn't supposed to land in the tree the first time around. Oops!
One of Bill Haverchuck's duties as Dr. Richard's intern is to drive him home in the rain. Another is, apparently, to make awkward conversation. We learn that Dr. Richard has recently published a book. It better not be about his daughter and the Satanist, because that would be pretty creepy, don't you think? Bored with Bill's conversation, Dr. Richard flashes back to his daughter's funeral. We see his ex-wife in attendance. She reminds me a bit of Sister Josepha. I really, really hope that's not going to be a direction the writers decide to take.
At Dr. Richard's house, Bill takes his leave. The editing makes it look like Dr. Richard left his front door unlocked. Let's hope no pesky Satanists found their way in. Richard listens to his messages: one from his ex-wife, and one from that cool Professor Lampley, who calls Richard his "star pupil." Because every show needs filler, we're treated to Richard walking through Lucinda's room and looking at her things for what feels like forever.
Back in Miami, Olivia is in a hospital, lying in a coma. Her father greets a priest named Father Ambrose and tells him that Olivia is brain-dead. While Father Ambrose is performing last rites, he notices that Olivia's lips are moving, and he suggests it has something to do with the lightning storm going on in the background. What that has to do with an allegedly brain-dead girl speaking Latin is beyond me, but apparently that's what's happening here. Olivia is reciting Bible verses about the end of the world.
We notice that as Isaiah is being led to his cell, he isn't exactly the most popular guy in his new home, the Wilton Penitentiary in Massachusetts. But when another prisoner spits at him, he gets in a great line: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." That's right, Isaiah, don't lose your sense of humor.
Our onscreen biblical quote, "And a little child shall lead them…," comes from Isaiah 11:6. I'm guessing this is not the same Isaiah who's the Satanist. Or maybe it is. This might surprise you, but I really didn't do very well at Sunday School. In fact, the only thing I remember about it is wondering what God did with the collection money. I didn't give much thought to why an omnipotent being would need my money, but I was sort of confused about how the money actually got to Him.
Anyhow, we are finally introduced formally to Sister Josepha, who is somehow allowed to waltz in and start observing ComaGirl. Valuable expositionary dialogue is exchanged between her and Father Ambrose which lets us know that Olivia's father can't afford to pay for continued life support, which means the courts may decide to pull the plug on ComaGirl and harvest her organs. Okay, and that would be a bad thing because…help me out here. ComaGirl is not coming back. She's brain-dead. And somebody else's life could be saved by donating her kidneys. I really don't see what Josepha and Ambrose are getting so upset about.
But upset they are, and Josepha kicks Ambrose out of the room so she can observe ComaGirl undisturbed. She tells him that her "contract" with something called the Eklind Foundation requires this. He is polite enough not to laugh at the crazy diva as he agrees to wait outside. As he's leaving, Josepha asks what scriptures ComaGirl is quoting. Surprise, surprise: it's the Book of Revelation. Josepha says, "Timely choice: the End of Days," so self-importantly that I have to laugh.
Hey, it's time for Exciting Sleep Montage! Yep, ComaGirl is still sleeping. There's Richard napping in his easy chair. And our favorite Satanist is catching a little shuteye as well. Now back to Olivia. Okay, she's still in a coma. She's still being filmed by the hospital also. But unless she gets hit in the crotch with a Nerf ball, they're probably not going to get any footage they can use to win a prize on America's Funniest Home Videos.
Oh, wait -- she's up! Well, sort of. As a thunderstorm rages in the background, Olivia mumbles in Latin and quotes some more scripture. Yeah, we get it, okay? The end is nigh. Blah, blah. At least this time around she does something a little more useful. When Josepha puts a pencil in her hand, ComaGirl draws a picture of…well, it looks like a grid of some sort. Maybe she wants to play tic-tac-toe? Unfortunately, doing this drawing probably won't win her any prizes on America's Funniest Home Videos either.
Sister Josepha gets out of a cab. She's on the Harvard campus -- right by Dr. Richard's office, as a matter of fact. She walks into it just as Bill clumsily ruins some of Dr. Richard's personal belongings. She tries to convince Dr. Richard that he should be impressed with her "credentials" from the Eklind Foundation. I'm sorry, but the idea of the Eklind Foundation is almost as funny as Habbakuk. Hee! Habbakuk.
Josepha tries her utmost to convince Richard that she doesn't know who he is, but that she was led to his office by the map she got from ComaGirl -- you know, the tic-tac-toe grid thingy. He is understandably skeptical, although he's polite enough to pretend he's scared of her because he's received threats. Because it's more flattering to be thought of as a bad-ass than a nutbar, you know? Josepha asks who's been threatening him, and Richard replies, somewhat ruefully, that it is Satanists. Bill Pullman seems to have a little trouble reciting his lines here. It's almost like he looks embarrassed. I can't imagine why. Josepha leaves, but not without promising to see Richard soon. Dr. Rich looks like he's being threatened again.
More graphics. "Let no man deceive himself, for the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God." (I Corinthians 3:18-3:19) Oh, I guess it's time for another gratuitous slam at science, is it? Dr. Richard is lecturing at his book signing, explaining away the ten plagues of Moses in scientific terms. Sister Josepha stares at him reproachfully. At least, that's what her cheekbones are conveying to me. She leaves as Professor Lampley pimps Richard's book for him.
Dr. Richard goes home and does a pretty thorough web search on Josepha. He spells her name Montafiore, even though that's different from the closed captioning or the NBC press release. People, that's just sloppy work. Anyway, we learn that Josepha lost her sister Denise to a cult mass suicide. I wonder if that's affected her worldview any.
Dr. Richard is being led to IsaiahSatanist's prison cell. It seems Isaiah claims to have known beforehand that Richard would be visiting him today. He says he was informed "by higher powers." Hey, does anyone know if there are real prisons where the father of a murder victim would be allowed to enter the cell of her unrestrained murderer? Because that just doesn't seem like something that would happen in this litigious age.
Nevertheless, Dr. Rich joins Isaiah in his cell, where Isaiah proceeds to taunt him with a whole bunch of references to hearts -- you know, because he ripped out Lucinda's. Poor Bill Pullman is so busy looking handsome that he forgets not to overact, and his "turning head away in pain" almost gives him whiplash. He suggests that he'd like to know Isaiah, which is a great idea dramatically because Michael Massee does an awesome job with his monologue: "Simply…Satanist!" Isaiah suggests that he and Richard might like each other if circumstances were different. Unfortunately, this leads to a "joke" about them "hanging," but how it's actually just Isaiah who will "hang" for his crime. Then Isaiah threatens to preach his word to the prisoners, but Dr. Richard counters that with the assertion that the other prisoners would kill Isaiah if they got near him.
Rich's bag of magical arguments is empty, though, when Isaiah starts making veiled threats against Richard's ex-wife, Norah, and her son. Dr. Richard gets freaked out and starts to leave. Never one to let a good dramatic moment slip by, there's just no way Isaiah is going to let anyone leave until he's finished his monologue. He speaks of Satan and ends with, "So hear me now, for I am come to ready his bed, he who will not die and he who does not bleed, for I will not die because I do not bleed." He even goes on to prove it by cutting his own finger off in the door and, well, not bleeding. Very good, Isaiah! I will give you an A for the monologue and an A+ for the not bleeding part. I might even have to give this scene an A+ for taking cheese to new heights. You think that's not a compliment, but it so is. Bravo, Revelations!
Richard decides not to take Isaiah's finger with him as a souvenir. As he's leaving, he calls his ex-wife and leaves a message on her answering machine telling her to watch her son all the time. Norah misses his call, but her son listens to the message and erases it. Understandable.
At home Dr. Richard listens to his own answering machine. Bet you'll never guess who called. Would you believe me if I said it was Isaiah saying, "Hey, Richard, pull my finger"? No? I wouldn't believe me either. Especially when you just know it's going to be Sister Josepha calling for the 400th time to tell you something stupid again. In this case she wants Dr. Richard to hurry down to Miami to help her with ComaGirl, who may be taken off life support soon. I'm not a hundred percent clear on how she wants him to help, though. I mean, she does know that there are different types of "doctors," right? And that Rich is an astrophysicist?
Dr. Richard has difficulty concentrating on his science-y stuff because he keeps thinking about Josepha and the "map" she gave him. Finally he opens up a box of cards his daughter has given him over the years and finds one with a picture of a donkey on it. It is almost identical to the one on ComaGirl's tic-tac-toe -- I mean, "map" -- except Lucinda's says "Daddy" underneath it. I must have dozed off and missed the flashback where she jokes that that's how she spells "jackass."
Commercial time. Hey, look -- it's a promo for…the Revelations pilot. That's right, the very episode you're watching right now. Because it's so good you have to watch it again on Sunday? You want to record it so you can watch it even more times? I finally realized that this may have been meant for people who had tuned in late and wanted to catch the show from the beginning. It took me a while to figure that out, though, as I was so busy pondering the implausibility of the first two options I mentioned.
"Unless they see signs and wonders, they will not believe." (John 4:48) Dr. Richard has decided to go to Miami after all. Well, not that it's really so surprising, since this is only a six-part miniseries and we're almost done with part one. Sister Josepha has a Bible quote for every occasion, and she's definitely not shy about trotting them out. She tries to tell him that "most people find it comforting." And every so often, there's some intentionally funny and sharp writing in this show -- like now, when Richard replies, "I doubt that."
Richard is talking tough about how he wants to be present for any medical reviews pertaining to ComaGirl and how he has to examine her x-rays. Right, because his astrophysics background has gone so far in furthering his understanding of medicine. He keeps stressing his belief in science while she is, like, totally not about science at all. See, they're completely different! Isn't that wacky? And how can they possibly work together when they have opposing viewpoints? I mean, I don't think I've ever seen anything like on TV or in a movie before. Have you?
The medical review is hilarious -- most notably when Dr. Richard looks at an x-ray and asks, "What is this?" It turns out to be a couple of ComaGirl's dental fillings that apparently shot up into her brain when the lightning struck her. The general theory is that the lightning is somehow stimulating electrical impulses in Olivia's brain that are causing seizures that are being mistaken for talking or writing. We also learn that the Eklind Foundation is owned by a wealthy Christian fundamentalist who is paying for Sister Josepha to prove that the apocalypse is upon us. See, I told you it was funny. Of course, the doctors are super-keen to kill the girl so they can carry out their nefarious plot of using her kidneys to save another person's life. Bastards!
Over in Patmos, a bunch of Greek people are totally psyched that they found a baby in the sea. They're even holding a big church celebration to thank God for the sea baby. Wait till they find out the baby is pure evil. Just wait. You know it's going to happen.
Dr. Richard confronts Sister Josepha about the donkey drawings. He wants her to explain how she knew about this secret nickname that only he and his daughter shared. It's some strained story about Don Quixote and Lucinda calling her father Donkey-Hotay. Ew. That sounds…dirty somehow. Anyway, Josepha keeps claiming that she knows nothing about that; she just followed a map that God dictated through ComaGirl. Richard likens Olivia's head to a radio antenna, which is (probably unintentionally) funny. He also accuses Sister Josepha of partiality, pointing out that she's paid to see phenomena that prove her boss's beliefs.
As Josepha counters with some of her dandy Bible scriptures, Father Ambrose rushes in to tell them that ComaGirl's heart is failing. Josepha rushes off, and Richard follows. ComaGirl is indeed dying, and the doctors say they will not revive her if she goes. Needless to say, Josepha tries to bully them into getting a crash team to save her now. Yeah, because those Bible quotes she's always spewing during thunderstorms are so valuable! While all this is going on, Dr. Richard holds ComaGirl's hand and has another flashback to his daughter's funeral. Suddenly ComaGirl squeezes his hand and comes back to life. Amazing!
Y'all, don't try this at home. Unless you're an astrophysicist, of course.