In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Laura starts dating other firefighters, and Franco is jealous. He's also suspicious of the moment between Tommy and Laura that he witnessed last week, but Tommy clears that up with Laura. Franco hires a porn star to pretend to be his girlfriend in order to make Laura jealous, but when the porn star shows up, she has a big, fat ass. Damien announces that he wants to be firefighter, and Sheila is freaking out. Tommy comes over to talk Damien out of it, but instead ends up talking about how awesome the job is. Connor overhears and decides that he wants to be a firefighter, too. Chief's neighbor brings Jeannie to the house, and Jeannie remembers everyone but Chief. Chief chews out the neighbor, whom he has hired to watch Jeannie, for bringing Jeannie around. Pa Gavin's wife dies while he's in Atlantic City, and the thousand cats eat her a little bit. Pa is heartbroken, until he realizes that he's now a rich man. Dani says that F-Bomb will let her out of her contract for $30,000. Lou offers to pay it, but Dani refuses. Tommy finds out that his hockey team wants to remove him as captain because they think he's gone soft since he's been on the goofballs, so Tommy quits taking them and returns to his old self both on and off the ice. Tommy battles his demons by...buying some shit for his kids (at least the kids not named Colleen), and then gets punched in the face by Franco for interfering in Franco and Laura's relationship. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Tommy quietly gets dressed in his bedroom to avoid waking Janet. Katie cries out, and he runs in to check on her. She tells him that she saw a ghost. Tommy assures her that there is no such thing as ghosts, and then asks if the ghost looked like anyone they know. Katie says that he was an ugly stranger, so Tommy tells her to go back to sleep. He sneaks into the bathroom, where Jimmy tells him that denial is a bitch, and then threatens to go talk to both Katie and Connor. Jimmy also brings up the kid who blew his brains out, but Tommy grabs Janet's purse and rushes into the bathroom to escape Jimmy. After shushing Jimmy a few times, Tommy downs some goofballs. That is one pink bathroom the Gavins have. Jimmy asks Tommy how Sheila is doing. Tommy retreats to the toilet and tries to pull it together. Jimmy whispers that he's going to go talk to the kids. Tommy cautiously opens the door, but Jimmy is right there, and scares him. Tommy cautiously opens the door again, but the hallway is empty. I guess in addition to having magical powers, those goofballs can also perform exorcisms.
Mike and Garrity are playing Scrabble. This would be a lot funnier if the whole "Dumb People Playing Scrabble" thing hadn't already been done onThe Sopranos. Mike thinks really, really hard, and even Garrity gets impatient. Chief walks in and calls it "a meeting of the minds, and the minds are a no-show." Tommy surveys the board and reads off the following words: "tag," "arm," "it," "go." No "poo"? Or swear words? Mike finally creates "fell" with his tiles, but doesn't know how many points he got. A guy walks in and asks for Laura, and introduces himself as "Angel." Chief tries to kick the guy out for being a civilian, but Angel says that he's a firefighter in another house. He asks Laura if they can talk, and Laura leads him out, but not without showing Garrity that he can make the word "fellatio" with his tiles. Garrity is psyched. Franco tries not to show that he's bothered by Laura's new friend. Tommy reaches over Mike's shoulder and adds some tiles to the board to create "autofellatio." Lou considers it well-played, and defines it as "sucking one's own schlong." Garrity mutters that he thought it meant "getting a blowjob in a car." Tommy thinks Garrity is joking, and then realizes that Garrity was serious, and declares that to be even funnier.
Sheila's girlfriend -- apparently completely forgiven for the non-punching incident -- rubs suntan lotion on Sheila's back while Damien waters some plants nearby. That's not a euphemism, but how fucked up is Damien going to be? First, his dad dies. Then his dad's best friend and cousin boffs his mom and gets her pregnant. And how his mom's gone lesbo. Damien sprays them with the hose and they scream at him. He asks how he looks with the hose, and says they might have to get used to it. Sheila tells him that "there's no goddamned way" that Damien will ever be a firefighter. Damien points out that it was good enough for his father and grandfather, and Sheila points out that they're both dead. She begs Damien not to do this to her. Damien reminds her that it's not about her, which Sheila never quite seems to realize. Damien walks into the house despite Sheila's screeching at him. Debbie tries to comfort her, but Sheila decides that she needs to call Tommy. Debbie just rolls her eyes.
Franco walks in and busts Tommy grabbing a copy of Martha Stewart Living. Tommy tries to stammer an explanation about how he feels she was "unjustly convicted," and then changes the subject to Laura and Angel. Franco says that he and Laura are taking a break because she doesn't trust him after the whole poetry thing. Tommy points out that Franco was "banging lots of people behind [Laura's] back." Franco gets pissed and says that Tommy has been acting different lately, and that he had better stay away from Laura. Franco advances threateningly towards Tommy and asks for an explanation of the scene he interrupted the other day. Tommy tries to say again that he had ice cream on his face, but finally admits that he told Laura the truth about the poetry. Franco asks if he told her the real truth or "the Tommy-Gavin- reasonable-facsimile- sort-of-in-the-ballpark- maybe-a-few- important-details- left-out truth." Tommy says he told Laura about the goofballs, and how they made him write a poem about his wife, which he gave to Franco to give to Laura. Franco doesn't know if he believes it. He says that the Tommy Gavin he used to know was a "lying, cheating, scheming, brawling, skirt-chasing son of a bitch," and that Franco looked up to him. But Franco distrusts the "fancy-coffee-drinking, pastry-eating, kind, sweet, sincere" Tommy. Me too! He's fucking boring.
Tommy and Connor drive somewhere in a truck. Tommy talks to Sheila on his cell phone and assures her that he'll be over soon to talk some sense into Damien. Connor is pissed that they're not going to buy him a new mitt as Tommy promised. Tommy says that the new mitt isn't as important as Damien's potentially becoming a firefighter is. Connor whines some more, and Tommy tries to bribe him with ice cream, but it doesn't work. ["That kid's tough. It would work on me." -- Wing Chun]
Tommy arrives at Sheila's. She greets Connor warmly and offers him some Froot Loops, but then immediately launches into a profanity-laced diatribe about how she doesn't want to go to any more funerals. She whispers to Tommy that he looks good, and Tommy has no reaction as they head inside.
Tommy walks upstairs to Damien's room. Jimmy meets him at the top of the stairs, and they discuss what a big moment this is. Jimmy wants to know what Tommy will say. Tommy decides to tell him the truth, and Jimmy asks "what version of the truth" they're talking about. Tommy knocks and walks into Damien's room. Damien expresses congratulations that Tommy and Janet got back together, and then says that it's better than when Tommy and Sheila were together, although now he's living in "dyke central." See? I feel bad for the kid. Jimmy appears near Damien to provide commentary. Damien says that he's thinking about becoming a firefighter as "a way to connect with [his] dad." Jimmy looks proud. Tommy tries to start saying it's a tough job, and Damien points out that, with the dead dad and all, he's pretty aware of that. He concludes, "I loved my dad. His job. What he did, what you do. It has an honor to it. Like, no matter how screwed up your life might be, when you come home at night, part of you...you're satisfied, right? Like, you know that at some point during the day, even if only for a few hours, you were doing the right thing. Right?" Tommy agrees. Damien says that's what his dad used to say. Jimmy gets all choked up. Tommy lays out the realities: the pay is shit because firefighters never go on strike, they'r no longer are viewed as heroes by the country, and most of them have booze and drug problems. Jimmy gets pissed that Tommy is telling the truth. Tommy thinks he should take Damien to the burn unit, or along on a fire run so that Damien can see the burned children and dead babies.
Having said that, Tommy says that there's another side: "There isn't a job on the whole goddamn planet I'd rather do than this one. Because every day, you do feel like you made a difference. Like you gave something back, you know?" Tommy admits that he meant to talk Damien out of it, but that he can't. Outside the room, Connor sneaks up and listens in. Tommy says that the fire thing is in their family's blood and bones. He pulls out Jimmy's badge and hands it over to Damien, and then explains that he's been keeping it to give to Damien. When a guy dies in the line of duty, they retire his badge number, and only his son can use the number in the future. Damien seeks reassurance that Tommy loves his job despite the dead babies and all. Tommy says that he does, and that he thinks Damien would love being a firefighter. Damien is worried about his mom, and Tommy says he'll take care of it, and walks out. Jimmy greets Tommy in the hall and thanks him. They hug, and a moment later, Tommy finds himself standing alone in the hallway, his arms empty.
Franco walks into the break room and finds Garrity reading the dictionary to prepare for his Scrabble game. Garrity asks what's up with Laura and Angel, and Franco says he doesn't know. Garrity thinks it was a high-school move designed to make Franco jealous, and suggests that Franco return the favor by bringing a hot chick into the house. Franco says he's not doing it, just as Laura shows up. Garrity asks her how Angel is doing, and Laura says it's none of his business. Franco agrees, and says that it's just like how he doesn't have to talk about the new chick he's seeing. Laura's ears prick up and she asks about it. Franco says it's not serious, but that it could be, because it's too early to tell. Laura asks for more details, and Franco acts like he thinks they shouldn't talk about this, and should just give each other space. Laura agrees, and once she walks out, Franco celebrates the game he just played on Laura. Franco reports that Laura's nostrils flared, which means she's really bothered.
Garrity tells Franco that now he needs to bring a woman around the house, and Franco remembers that he knows a guy who knows a lot of porn chicks. Garrity gets all hot and bothered about being "six degrees" from porn chicks, so maybe instead of a dictionary, Garrity should be watching Sesame Street to learn how to count. Lou bursts into the room and says he heard the word "porn." Tommy and Chief show up too, lured by the rumors of porn. Lou says that dating a porn chick won't make a regular chick jealous, which is totally true. They'd just wonder how you could go from a regular chick to a skank.
The gang is interrupted from further discussion by the arrival of Jeannie, along with Chief's neighbor, Rose. Jeannie hugs each and every member of the crew and greets each man by name. Jeannie and Rose drop off some baked goods, and Jeannie says they have to go, because Rose is going to visit her husband. Rose reminds her that they're there to visit Jeannie's husband, and Jeannie protests that her husband doesn't work in a firehouse. Rose points Chief out, and Jeannie stares at him, but clearly doesn't recognize him. Everyone feels awkward, and Rose leads Jeannie out of the room. Chief follows them, and everyone kinds of sits around and clears their throats. Awkward.
Dani and Lou hang out at her apartment, and Dani exclaims over how funny Lou is. Her phone rings, and she answers. It's clearly her pimp. Dani says that she can't go anywhere, and then relents that says she doesn't think she can make it for at least an hour. She asks the pimp whether he thought about what they discussed, and Lou perks up. Dani asks him to think about it, and hangs up. She explains that it was F-Bomb, and that she has to leave right now. Lou goes along at first, but then stops and says that it's bullshit that F-Bomb can force Dani to drop everything and run out. Dani promises that she talked to F-Bomb about getting out, but that he hasn't decided yet. Lou asks if there's any chance that he'll agree to it. Dani says she never thought about getting out before, but now she has a great reason. She kisses Lou. Oh, man. It's going to be heartbreaking when it turns out she's scamming him.
Chief arrives home just as Rose is leaving. She reports that Jeannie just went down for a nap. Chief asks what she was thinking with their little field trip. Rose apologizes and says that Jeannie seemed fine. Chief is upset that he looked like a jackass in front of everyone. Rose asks coldly whether he's more concerned about his image than he is about his ailing wife. Chief says he's worried about Jeannie, which is why he hired Rose to look after her in their home, where Jeannie is safe. Rose points out that Jeannie is also out of sight. Chief is outraged, and Rose says that it won't happen again.
Franco shows Garrity a magazine photo of the porn chick that his friend set him up with. Garrity is more interested in the dog in the photo, and what purpose it might serve. Franco snatches the magazine back and says that the girl is coming to the house the day. He adds that he talked to her on the phone, and that her voice is like caramel. Garrity is all turned on, and wants to look at the magazine again. Franco tells Garrity to watch it, because that's Franco's fake girlfriend.
Tommy and Laura walk down a hallway during a fire. Laura accuses Tommy of repeatedly looking at her. She tells Tommy to come out with whatever he has to say. Tommy finally says that he doesn't have a thing for her. Laura makes him close his eyes and guess her eye color. Tommy gets it wrong, and this somehow proves to Laura that Tommy's not into her. I think she should ask instead whether or not she's wearing a thong. If he's interested, I bet he spent a lot more time looking at her ass than he did at her eyes. Laura wonders why she got it so wrong. Tommy suggests that couples need space, and that's why couples who work together never work out. ["Hey!" -- Wing Chun] Tommy offers up some examples: "Desi and Lucy, J. Lo and Ben, Matt and Ben, Siegfried and Roy, even Liza Minnelli and that crazy manager homo guy. It always ends the same way. Acrimonious divorce or spiteful separation or a wild animal bites one or the other's heads off." Tommy thinks that Franco feels suffocated, and says that Laura is lucky there aren't any wild animals running around the firehouse. Laura agrees, and points out that sometimes Garrity has "that just-came-off-the-savannah smell now and then." Garrity walks up, and Tommy sniffs and walks away.
Tommy walks back to Pa Gavin's apartment with Pa and Teddy. They are discussing whose fault it is that they lost all their money in Atlantic City. Tommy blames Teddy for soliciting oral sex under the Boardwalk. Teddy protests that there was a time when Atlantic City was "the knob job capital of the world" and that "you couldn't go there and NOT get a knob job." I have that problem all the time. Not getting knob jobs. Mostly because I don't exactly have a knob to job. And I've never been to Atlantic City. Tommy knocks on Pa's door a few times and, when no one answers, takes Pa's keys and opens the door. Pa tells Teddy to cheese it with the knob job stories, because Mrs. Ng didn't know about the trip. Teddy yells that he's going to write a letter to the Atlantic City Chamber of Commerce. They walk into the House of a Thousand Cats, and Teddy remarks, "You know, half my life, I prayed to be knee-deep in pussy. This ain't exactly what I had in mind." I get the feeling that line was the entire reason for the House of a Thousand Cats in the first place. Well, that and what happens .
Pa Gavin cries out from the other room, and Tommy and Teddy rush in to find Mrs. Ng's body lying on the floor. She's dead. According to Tommy, she's really dead, and he grabs a tablecloth to cover her up. Teddy points out that her cats were eating her, probably because they'd been without food for three days. Pa tells Teddy to get out, and Tommy says he'll call Johnny. Pa is all sad, and Tommy reminds him that he hated his wife. Pa says that was before the cats ate her. Tommy walks out of the room, but then walks back in and tells Pa that he's rich now, because he'll inherit Mrs. Ng's $56 million fortune. Tommy starts celebrating, but Pa says it's not right to celebrate right now. They call Teddy over and head out into the hallway. Once they're outside, they all start dancing around and singing songs about how rich they are.
Lou walks up to Dani's apartment and hits the buzzer. He says he was in the neighborhood and thought he would drop by. Dani buzzes him in.
Janet primps for a night out with Tommy, but first stops to pop a goofball. Because they are also stupid pills, she doesn't notice that her supply is half gone, thanks to Tommy's habit of pounding a handful at a time. Tommy rushes Janet out of the bathroom because he needs to use it. Once she's out, he grabs the pills from their secret stash and pops some. He flushes the toilet and walks out to meet Janet in the hallway.
In her apartment, Dani reveals that F-Bomb said he'd let her out of her contract. Lou is psyched, and asks how much she has to pay. Dani reveals that it's $30,000. Lou is stunned at the amount, and needs to sit down.
Tommy and Janet drive in his truck. Tommy compliments her dress, and Janet compliments Tommy, too. She gently reminds him that he's supposed to get a baseball mitt for Connor, and Tommy agrees that he needs to do it. This is a sharp contrast to the usual nagging Janet and defensive Tommy, so I guess the goofballs are working. Janet says that Connor told her that he wants to be a firefighter because it's in his blood and in his bones. Tommy recognizes that turn of phrase from when he fed it to Damien, but doesn't say anything. He scoffs and says that Connor must have heard it on "that stupid Third Watch show...reruns."
Dani brings Lou a glass of water to help him to get over his shock. She says that she has five grand saved, and that she plans to cut expenses and take on more clients. Lou says that he has money squirreled away so that his ex-wife couldn't get her hands on it. Dani says that she doesn't want it: this is the only relationship she's had with a man that didn't involve a cash exchange, and she'd like to keep it that way. Lou tells her that the offer is still on the table, and Dani says that she loves him for it. Lou looks all touched, and it just makes me sad.
Tommy and Janet arrive home from their night out. They start kissing, and Janet says she's going to check on the kids and then "slip into something more comfortable." Do people really say that? Like, not as a joke? Tommy's phone rings, and he answers it while digging into Janet's purse for more goofballs. Did she go into the bathroom and stick them in her purse before they left? And if so, why? Anyway, Mike is on the phone, and Tommy starts babbling about a new fancy coffee place he found. Mike interrupts to say that he's calling to tell Tommy that the guys on the hockey team think Tommy's gone soft, and they don't want him to be captain anymore. Mike adds that they don't even want Tommy to play, and some of the guys plan to sit out the game in protest if Tommy even shows up. Tommy says he's going to be there, and will also kick ass. Mike asks him to bring some fancy coffee, and Tommy stuffs the goofballs back in Janet's purse and says the only thing he's bringing is his A game.
Janet fixes breakfast and starts singing along to a French recording. I don't know. Tommy storms in and his goofballs have clearly worn off, because he's bitching about being late for work. He drinks orange juice straight from the carton and then starts bitching about how it has pulp in it. Janet apologizes. Tommy yells, "I hate pulp. I hate all pulp. Orange juice pulp, that stupid British band Pulp, Pulp Fiction, Quentin Tarantino. What's with that goddamn head, by the way? Is that not the biggest head in the history of heads? He turns sideways, it's like you're looking at a map of the New Jersey coastline. And Kill Bill. What a piece of shit! And then there's a Kill Bill 2 [sic]? What's that about? Jesus Christ!" Janet reminds Tommy that the kids are listening. Tommy advises all of them never to see either of the Kill Bill movies and leaves for work. I've missed the Tommy rants, although that was more of a Denis Leary rant, but I'll take it.
Laura and Garrity are playing Scrabble. Laura tells Garrity that her ovaries are drying up waiting for him to make a move, so he sets down some tiles. Laura asks, "'Cock'? AGAIN?" Laura says you can only use the same word twice if it has more than one meaning. Garrity struggles to think of a second meaning for cock, and if the timing wasn't all wrong, I'd totally take that as a shout-out. The crew's laughter at Garrity is interrupted by the arrival of Franco's date. As she introduces herself, she's standing behind a half-wall so that you can only see the upper half of her body. Franco heads over to give her a kiss on the cheek, and a look of horror comes over his face. Chief invites the girl to come in, and Franco tries to prevent it, but the girl walks in anyway, revealing that she has a huge ass. Like, "they went a little overboard with the padding" huge. It reminds me of that David Sedaris story where his sister Amy wore only the bottom half of a fat suit everywhere. The guys try not to crack up, and Laura introduces herself all smarmily and asks if they're going dancing tonight. Franco rushes the girl out of there as quickly as possible.
Hockey game! As the FDNY announces their starting lineup, Tommy walks into the locker room. The coach refers to him as Dorothy Hamill, so Tommy decks the guy in the face and asks if anyone else has anything to say. No one does.
Laura calls Franco that night and asks if he's still on his date. Franco says they wrapped things up early, and Laura says that they need to talk. Franco agrees.
More hockey game! Tommy is just shoving guys around with reckless abandon and scoring goals frequently. I don't know anything about hockey, so I guess that's good. One of the cop players skates up and calls Tommy hot shit, so Tommy starts a fight and gets sent to the penalty box. While he sits there, Billy shows up and sits with Tommy in the box. The other firefighter, whose head was found in the rubble after 9/11, also shows up for some conversation. In the stands, Lou, Chief, and Garrity wonder who Tommy's talking to in the box. Jimmy shows up too, and Mary Magdalene and the little kid ghosts all join in to cheer Tommy on. Tommy gets a look of determination on his face, and as soon as his penalty ends, he heads back out on the ice and starts another fight. This time, he punches the other player in the face repeatedly, and the guy ends up on the ice, bleeding from the nose and ear. That's not good. Garrity calls 911 as Tommy skates off the ice. Apparently, no one cares that Tommy practically just killed a guy. Of course, no one seems to care about the kid's suicide from last week, either.
In the parking lot, Tommy heads to his truck and throws his gear inside. The ghosts show up and urge Tommy to trash all the cops' cars. Tommy ignores them and gets in his truck. He quickly pops a goofball.
Franco and Laura walk out on the street and just stare at each other.
Tommy drives down the highway. Jimmy drives up to him and says that Tommy can't get away from him. Billy drives up and tells Tommy to go back and finish the job, because he's with them now. Tommy keeps looking out the window, waiting for more ghosts to show up.
Laura reaches up and gives Franco a kiss. It looks like a kiss goodbye.
Tommy arrives home and wheels a bike into Connor and Katie's room. Wouldn't Katie share a room with Colleen? Connor wakes up, and Tommy presents him with his new bike, and also his new baseball mitt. Katie wakes up and is disappointed that Connor got so much new stuff. Tommy tosses her a PSP. Did Tommy just rob a bank? And what toy store is open that late at night? ["Twenty-four-hour Wal-Mart?" -- Wing Chun] Connor is jealous of Katie's gift, and Tommy reminds him of all he got. Connor thanks him, and Tommy walks out. The kids yell questions about their gifts, and Tommy tells them good night.
Franco arrives at Tommy's apartment and says he has a couple of questions about how Tommy talked to Laura about suffocation. Tommy says that he did. Franco asks if Tommy also compared their relationship to that of Siegfried and Roy. Tommy admits that he did. He starts to offer Franco some food, but Franco hauls off and punches Tommy in the face, and then leaves. Well, okay, then.