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Sheila shows off her new girlfriend. Mick is still suspicious about Father Murphy. Tommy continues to hit on his half-sister, Mariel, and Johnny is both jealous and disgusted. Mariel says that she doesn't think they are related, because her mother was sleeping around. Garrity and Mike are still going to various twelve-step meetings to meet chicks. Franco asks Laura to move in, and claims that he's not seeing anyone but her. Chief's family convinces him to have a birthday party for Steve, Peter's partner. Chief invites all the guys, and they all try to worm out of it. Chief forces them all to go, and the party is super-gay, in the homosexual way. Garrity accidentally tells Laura about Franco's nurse/drug supplier, and Laura blows up at Franco and moves out of their apartment. Lou is still playing Candy against Sandra, and he seems to be choosing Candy. After throwing a huge tantrum in his basement, Chief seems to realize that his family is happy together and maybe he needs to get happy too. Tommy visits the burn victim kid and prays for Janet to come back. Burn Victim Kid wakes up from his coma. Janet slips through Teddy's crack security and shows up at the House of a Thousand Cats. It seems that Johnny tipped her off, because he doesn't think Tommy can handle parenting three kids alone. Janet and Tommy talk, and Janet reveals that she's had some counseling, and she's been remembering how happy she and Tommy used to be: she thinks they should give it another try. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Tommy and his kids are at the park, and the kids are arguing over which horse they are going to ride on the nearby carousel. Tommy snaps at them to stop arguing, signifying that perhaps things are still not going well on the parenting tip. Wait, did I just write "on the parenting tip"? I just got in a time machine and went back to 1992 or so. And I LIKED IT. Anyway, Sheila strolls up, arm in arm with a blonde lady. Sheila promises that she's not there to cause a scene (not bloody likely), and introduces the lady as her new friend, Debbie. Tommy surveys the two women snuggling for a second and then pulls Sheila aside and asks if she's kidding. Sheila asks, "What? I can't be a lesbian because you're so goddamn good in the sack?" Tommy spits, "No. You can't be a lesbian because we both know you love cock." Sheila claims she's changed, and Tommy asks if she took "a muff-diving pill." Sheila wants to prove her newfound love of the ladies, so she runs back over to Debbie and they start making out. Tommy's not impressed. Sheila starts caressing Debbie's breast. In the middle of the park! Some random guy behind them starts filming the women with his video camera, which cracked me up. Katie walks up and asks why Aunt Sheila is touching another woman's boob. Tommy rushes his kids away as Sheila, at least, looks slightly chagrined.
Tommy and Johnny both show up with bags full of clothes for Father Murph's clothing drive. Each is suspicious that the other is there with ulterior motives, if by "ulterior motives," you mean "hitting on your half-sister." Johnny accuses Tommy of stealing his donated clothes from a homeless shelter, and Tommy admits that it's true. Johnny says, "Rock bottom. It just doesn't exist for you, does it?" Tommy says he's trying to repay his debt to society, and Johnny says that Tommy has a long way to go in that regard. They hand their clothes over to Father Murph and his pal Ricky. Tommy very obviously asks if Mariel is around, and as soon as Father Murph says that she's not, Tommy finds an excuse to run out of there while also making sure that Johnny gets stuck helping with the clothing drive.
In the parking lot, Tommy sees what I assume is Johnny's car, since it has an NYPD sticker on it. Tommy steals a tiny plastic Jesus from the dash.
Tommy and Mick walk out of a meeting. As they walk down the street, Tommy asks Mick why he was "a million miles away" during the meeting. Wait, Tommy noticed someone besides himself? Mick confesses (heh) that he's been investigating Father Murph, and found out that the priest has changed parishes quite frequently. Continuing the tradition started with video camera guy in the first scene, this scene also has an extra who is just blatantly eavesdropping on Tommy and Mick's conversation, and it cracked me up. Tommy doesn't buy it. Eavesdropping Lady says that priests used to lock away young boys for sexual purposes, and the young boys were called catamites. Tommy and Mick kind of ignore Eavesdropping Lady as they cross the street. Tommy says that he saw a British band at CBGBs once called Catamites. Mick asked if they tried to give Tommy a blowjob, and Tommy says no. Mick says, "Different catamites."
Tommy's back in the hospital, keeping a vigil for Burn Victim Kid instead of hanging out with his own children. Burn Victim Mom says she's going to go get a soda, and leaves. Wouldn't she be kind of creeped out by Tommy's devotion to her comatose son? Or maybe she's just glad for the company. Tommy stands up and yawns, and then contemplates the plastic Jesus he stole from Johnny's car. When he turns around, Mary Magdalene is there, and they commiserate on what it's like to wait for Jesus. Mary Magdalene thinks Jesus is "full of goddamn promises," because she's been "waiting for a ring since three weeks before the Last Supper." Tommy turns around, and Mary Magdalene is on his other side. She orders Tommy to get down on his knees, which Tommy does. Mary asks him what he wants most in the world, and Tommy says he wants Burn Victim Kid to live. Mary asks what else he wants. Tommy says that he wants his marriage to work, but then starts to list all the reasons that won't happen. Mary interrupts him and says that he needs to pray to God right now for what he wants. Tommy makes the sign of the cross, steeples his hands, and closes his eyes. When he opens them, Mary is gone.
Jeannie, Peter, and Steven are discussing having a birthday party for Steven. Jeannie thinks it's a great idea, but Steven isn't sure that Chief will be up for it. Chief walks in and starts to put the kibosh on the idea, but Jeannie calls him Jerry and reminisces about the Fourth of July parties they used to have. Chief is so surprised and touched that she remembers who he is and what they used to do that he agrees to the party, which Peter characterizes as being about beer and steaks. Remember that in a little bit.
Garrity and Mike stand in a hall somewhere and try to figure out which meeting to attend to pick up chicks. Mike suggests smokers, and Garrity says he doesn't want to "bang some chick in an iron lung." Of course, he smokes too, but I think he forgot that. He's dumb enough to forget that. Mike suggests gamblers, but Garrity thinks it'll be full of middle-aged bald guys. And people who watched one too many episodes of Celebrity Poker Showdown and thought they could play poker for money or candy. Garrity reminds Mike that they want "drug, booze, sex, food." Behind them, Franco and Laura walk out of a meeting. Franco is worried that he came off "like a bitch," and Laura says that Franco's her bitch now. Laura looks really pretty here, with her hair down, and a skirt and camisole on. Possibly a little overdressed for an NA meeting, but maybe they're grabbing a bite afterward or something. Laura says seriously that she is proud of Franco, and gives him a kiss. Franco spots Garrity and Mike and tells Laura to play it cool. She agrees. They greet the boys, and Mike says he's happy Franco is getting help, and makes an allusion to the fact that Laura and Franco are together. Laura smoothly lies that she's just there for support. A meeting leader yells that they're about to start the bulimia meeting, and Garrity and Mike run inside, leaving Laura and Franco laughing.
Tommy goes to visit Mariel, and compliments her beauty. When she leaves the room, Tommy reminds himself that Mariel is his half-sister. The phone rings, and Mariel asks Tommy to grab it. It's Johnny, who's shocked and disgusted to hear Tommy answer, even though Johnny was probably calling to ask Mariel out himself. Johnny orders Tommy not to knock Mariel up, because their kid would be retarded. Tommy thinks that kid would fit right in with their family. Johnny keeps repeating "incest," and Tommy asks why Johnny is calling, anyway. Johnny lies that he has more clothing to donate, and Tommy hangs up on him, and then lies to Mariel that it was a telemarketer.
Laura and Franco walk down the street and share a Dove bar. Laura laughs and says it's nice that Franco is sharing his food, because he's usually a hoarder, and she was starting to wonder if he had done time. Also, is the food-sharing a metaphor for their relationship or what? Franco says he's been thinking about shacking up with Laura. He adds that he's not talking about getting married, but he cares about her, and Keela loves her. Laura says it's a big step, and would complicate things at work. Franco says he doesn't care, because he's not ashamed of their relationship. He says with sincerity, "I'm ready to take the step. The shacking-up step." Laura looks bemused and says that they need to put everything out on the table first. Franco agrees. Laura wants to know if Franco's been seeing anyone else. Franco tells her that it's just her, and that he doesn't want anybody else. Laura kisses him. Note that he answered a different question than she asked. She asked if he had been seeing anybody else, and he said that, right now, it's just her. That might be important later. There will be a quiz, probably.
Lou and Candy walk out of a movie theater, and Lou suggests getting coffee. Candy turns him down because his "secret admirer" is there. Lou glances at Sandra, standing nearby and pretending to read a magazine. He asks Candy if he can pay her time, and Candy says that since he paid for the movie, they can call it even. Wow. Either movies got a lot more expensive in New York recently, or she's a really cheap whore.
Tommy and Mariel go out to dinner. For a dinner with her half-brother, Mariel is wearing a tube top with her boobs totally squeezed out the top. They discuss all of the kinds of alcohol that Tommy used to be into, and Mariel says he's funny. Tommy tells her that she's gorgeous, and Mariel says that she feels the same about him. Really? I can see thinking that Tommy is kind of hot, but "gorgeous"? Mariel says Tommy's been keeping her up nights since they met. Tommy points out the "ick factor." Mariel says she's not sure they have the same father, because her mother was "a bit of a whore." Pa Gavin is definitely Father Murph's father, but wasn't the only one in the picture when Mariel was conceived. Mariel knew, but she and her mother kept it from Father Murph because he was "sensitive" about their mother's sexual habits, and in order to keep it a secret, they didn't tell Pa Gavin either.
Cut to Tommy and Mariel making out in her apartment. Tommy breaks it off and says that he can't do it. Mariel says that he could it he wanted to, and Tommy paces around and says he's got "want up the ying-yang." I didn't really want to think about Tommy's ying-yang. Mariel asks if it's "the sister thing," and Tommy suggests that they get a blood test so that they can know for sure. Mariel seems amenable, and Tommy runs out of there.
The whole crew is sitting around in the breakroom when Chief runs in and says that his wife is having a party. The crew cheers, and Lou asks what the occasion is. Chief says that it's Steve's birthday, and Mike asks, "Gay Steve?" The room falls silent. Tommy says that he has a two-to-three day AA festival to attend. Lou says that he has a bad back, and Franco offers to help him work on it. Garrity stutters and stammers but doesn't actually come up with an excuse. Mike says flat-out that he's scared of gay people. Heh. Franco says he'll be helping Lou with his back. Laura offers to bring the cake. Chief comes back to Garrity, who says he has a doctor's appointment. Chief asks what kind of doctor, and Garrity says, "The, uh, ass doctor?" Garrity's kind of obsessed with asses, isn't he? Chief scoffs that it took Garrity thirty seconds to come up with a lame excuse, and that he won't accept it. In fact, Chief announces, that he's telling everyone they have to attend.
The guys sit in the truck on the way to a fire, eating sandwiches. Mike refers to his meal as a "grinder," and everyone makes fun of him. Did he grow up in Rhode Island? Garrity says it's called a hero, but Tommy says that it's "a goddamn sandwich." Lou announces that they're headed towards a car in a river, and that they'll be the first unit on scene. Garrity and Franco strip down (whoo!) and prepare to put on wetsuits.
The truck arrives on the scene. The car is in the water up to about the bottoms of the windows. Being trapped in a car underwater is one of my biggest fears. Franco and Garrity hop into the water. Franco breaks the car window, and Garrity grabs the woman inside and drags her out. The police show up and give the fire department shit. Garrity swims the woman over to a boat that just pulled up, and helps to get her aboard. Meanwhile, the cops and the firefighters keep arguing with each other. Tommy takes things to the level when he knocks a cop's hat off, so a brawl erupts.
Back at the house, Garrity complains that the water made him smell like his skin is rotting, and Lou says that they should bottle it and call it "Essence of Ass." Chief comes in and says that Franco "tweaked his shoulder" in the rescue, and Laura took him to the hospital. I can't believe that none of these guys have picked up on that relationship yet, since they seemed to know about Tommy and Sheila about five minutes after it happened. Tommy shows off a police hat that he stole during the fight. Chief yells at the guys for being so combative, and tells them to get into a party mood. Garrity promises to be "festive," and Chief yells at him because I guess that was a subtle gay slur, although God knows Garrity isn't nearly that clever.
The crew arrives at Stephen's party. Remember that episode of The Simpsons where the steelworkers were totally gay? Yeah, that's what this party looks like. "I Will Survive" plays as tons of gay men dance in the front yard and on the porch. There's a pink banner hanging from the porch that reads "Happy Birthday Steven," and it has two very scantily clad, muscle-bound firefighters pictures on it, holding hoses. Tommy comments that they should have brought the engine, because "this place could go up in flames at any minute."
Tommy, Lou, Garrity, and Mike stand out on chief's front porch and stare in the windows. Inside, Chief looks on with disgust as a guy twirls through his living room. Garrity bops around to the music, and Tommy asks if Garrity has to take a piss. Lou orders Mike to go in and get them some booze, because he would win a contest for "Gayest-Looking Guy on the Crew." I kind of think Franco would win, but whatever. Garrity is all upset that he wouldn't win the contest. Franco and Laura show up with cakes. Garrity asks if they think he would win the "Who Looks Gayer?" contest, and Franco says that Garrity would win because he has a better body. Garrity does a fist-pump as Lou orders Mike to get the booze. Mike resignedly heads in.
In the kitchen, Chief complains to Jeannie about the size and scope of the party, saying that it's turned into "a full-blown fag-fest." Jeannie, who is wearing a pink furry tiara, tells him not to be a grump.
Mike walks outside with an armful of "cosmos, appletinis and a couple wine coolers." Laura grabs a wine cooler and says, "God, even I feel gay drinking this." Wine coolers don't make me feel gay; they make me feel sixteen. And slightly sick to my stomach. Mike adds that the party seems pretty cool, and that there were "real chicks" inside, so he's going back in. Garrity follows him, to see the chicks, although Tommy warns him that he'll have to fight through "ten yards of gay" to get to them. Laura chuckles and starts to head inside, giving Franco a look first. Franco says he's going to go in and check it out to avoid being rude. Tommy and Lou don't move.
Lou talks to Sandra on his phone and says that he can't see her right now because he's at a party for work. Sandra thinks that "Linda" is there, and makes plans to head right over. Lou tries to discourage her from doing that, but Sandra bullies him into revealing his location.
Garrity drunkenly heads to the back porch. Laura follows him and compliments his dance moves. Garrity lights a cigarette and says that there aren't many women inside, so he's surprised that Franco stuck around so long, seeing how he's a "pussy hound" and all. Laura thinks Franco has changed lately, and Garrity laughs and says that Franco will be "chasing tail until the day he dies." At first I thought Garrity was trying to clue Laura in, since he knows Franco and Laura are dating. But then Garrity lets slip about Franco's nurse/drug source and gives a look like, "Crap, I didn't mean to say that." So I guess Garrity's just dumb and drunk. Laura seems hurt and asks why Garrity is telling her that. Garrity claims that it's part of making amends, and Laura angrily says that Franco is supposed to make amends for himself. She storms off.
Inside the party, Mike is dancing in the middle of a circle of people. Laura runs out the front door, Franco in hot pursuit. He follows her to her car and asks what happened. Laura says, "Like you give a shit? Screw you, Franco." She peels out in her car, and Franco runs to his own car to follow her. Lou and Tommy wonder what that was all about.
House of a Thousand Cats. Pa Gavin opens the door, and Janet walks in. She hugs her younger kids, who are thrilled to see her. Colleen walks into the room, sees Janet, and leaves. Teddy walks into the room, saying something about how if "the crazy bitch shows up," they'll "snuff her and ditch the remains." Janet says it's nice to see him too. Teddy asks how Janet got in, and Pa Gavin shrugs.
Laura furiously packs her things in Franco's apartment. Franco walks in and asks what's going on, but Laura won't speak to him. Franco tries to turn it around on her and says he's mad because she threw a hissyfit in front of the guys. Laura blows up at him and finally admits that she's pissed about "the bitch giving [him] the pills." Franco tries to explain, but Laura is furious, and threatens to punch him in the face. She shoves Franco out the door and slams it. Then there's a really great, real moment where Laura turns around, sniffs back angry tears, and says softly to herself, "Pack." Like she's about to totally lose it, and she's just holding it together by reminding herself what she needs to do , so that she can get somewhere private where she can just break down. Well played, Diane Farr.
Garrity is sitting on the porch at the party, swaying around from too much booze. Mike comes up and tells him to pull it together because there are some hot chicks they can talk to. Mike claims it's like "catching fish in a barrel." Garrity corrects him and says it's "shooting fish in a barrel," which Mike doesn't get because he thinks that if there were fish in a barrel, you would just reach in and grab them instead of trying to shoot them. The man has a point. Garrity is done with the semantics debate, and the two guys walk over to the ladies. Mike introduces himself and Garrity. The women don't seem very interested. Mike asks, "Did you guys, by any chance, get your tickets yet?" One girl asks, "Tickets for what?" Mike rolls up his sleeve, flexes his bicep, and answers, "The gun show?" The girls roll their eyes, and Mike stands there grinning, clearly very pleased with himself for his clever wordplay. I seriously rewound that five times, and laughed every time.
Lou and Tommy sit on the porch steps. Lou is worried that Candy won't get there before Sandra does. Tommy announces that he has to take a piss, and Lou suggests that he go against the side of the house. Tommy feels that taking his cock out at this party would be "like throwing chum in a shark tank." Yeah, because gay men go wild at the sight of a straight man's penis. Or any penis, for that matter. They just lose it, like women do when they are PMSing, and spot some chocolate. Whatever. Tommy decides to go inside. Lou begs him not to go: "I'm drunk. I'm vulnerable. A sweet piece of meat like me, I won't last five minutes out here." Tommy tells him to be brave and leaves. Candy shows up, to Lou's great relief.
Chief stands out back, grilling steaks. Pete asks if he's coming in, and Chief says he's never going into the house again. Pete points out that Jeannie is having a great time, and that if Chief keeps swallowing his anger, it'll kill him. Chief thinks Pete is throwing the gay in Chief's face all the time. Pete doesn't understand, and wants to talk it out, but Chief angrily tells him to go inside. Pete leaves.
Tommy walks into the bathroom and finds a guy taking some pills. Tommy apologizes, and the guy offers him some drugs. The guy is a regular smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals, and Tommy asks for some Vicodin. The guy hands them over, free of charge. Once Tommy's taken the pills, he asks the guy for a little privacy so that he can take care of business. The guy implies that he wants something in return for the pills, and Tommy tosses him out of the bathroom. Tommy unzips, but he's interrupted by his ringing cell phone. It's Teddy, with the news that Janet is back and in the House of a Thousand Cats. Tommy wonders how Janet found out their location, and Teddy admits that Johnny called her. Tommy tells Teddy to make sure Janet sticks around, and promises to be right there.
Laura carries her packed bag out of her room and tries to hurry out the door, but Franco stops her and says that he was "hittin' that to get the pills." Laura sarcastically says that makes her feel a lot better about him as a person. Franco insists that he's clean now, and that he's different. Laura says that he can't change, and that he's going to spend his whole life being led around by his cock. She adds that she's not an idiot, and thought they could have a good couple of years together instead of "a mediocre month and a half." Laura suggests, "Maybe you should just warn the person that comes along that that's all you really got in you. Before she's stupid enough to fall..." Laura trails off and walks away. Franco calls after her, but like the Eagles, Laura's all ready gone.
Mike and Garrity are trying to convince their new lady friends that they have dabbled in homosexuality. Garrity says that Mike dabbled last night, and Mike says that Garrity just dabbled some guy in the garage. Garrity agrees, "Dabbled the shit out of him." The women still aren't convinced, and think the guys are just saying this because they know the women are into gay guys. What women are into gay guys? Like, for dating? I can see being into gay guys for friends and stuff, obviously, but only dating guys who have also dated other guys? I don't see the point. Garrity offers to prove it, and then realizes what that means.
Lou thanks Candy for coming. Candy says she had class, and explains that she's finishing her MBA. Lou spots Sandra, and Candy lays a big kiss on him as Sandra watches.
Chief walks into his house. He sees Jeannie dancing around and laughing, and then sees Peter and Steven sitting on the couch kissing. He heads for the basement, and I totally thought that Garrity and Mike would be down there, kissing in front of the women. Instead, it's just two random guys, and Chief kicks them out.
Candy and Lou are talking to Sandra. Candy makes up some story about how she fell in love with Lou, and then says she needs to go get her cigarettes. Before she leaves, Candy makes out with Lou something fierce. Sandra likes it.
Chief is still in the basement. He rummages around in an old box and finds a baseball glove and ball, and a trophy. He opens a scrapbook and leafs through it, but then starts ripping pictures out and throwing them on the floor.
Sandra walks away and motions for Lou to follow her. He does.
Garrity and Mike are proving how gay they are by singing "Lady Marmalade" in karaoke. When they start, Garrity sings into his wine cooler instead of the microphone. There's a dude to him in a green sweater vest who totally steals the scene with his dancing. The funniest part to me was that Steven Pasquale, who plays Garrity, has done a ton of musical theater, so he obviously has a really good voice, and yet as Garrity, he's singing like you would imagine Garrity would. For some reason it always cracks me up to see talented people try to act like regular schmos.
Anyway, as Garrity and Mike "sing" upstairs, Chief takes a shovel and destroys everything in the basement. I guess he's not swallowing his anger anymore. I was worried he was going to have a heart attack. He picks up a framed photo of Peter and himself when Peter graduated from the Academy, and sobs.
Lou and Sandra frantically make out in the bathroom. Lou puts a stop to it and says that he can't do this, because Candy is waiting for him. Oops. Lou leaves, and Sandra is like, "Who's Candy?"
Tommy, on his way to the House of a Thousand Cats, calls Johnny and tells him off for notifying Janet of the kids' whereabouts. Johnny suggests that Tommy just listen to Janet, because the kids need a mother and Tommy can't handle them on his own. Tommy points out that Johnny has one kid in reform school and another one headed that way. Johnny thinks that proves his point, because he can't change how his divorce screwed up his own kids, but Tommy has a chance to make things right. Johnny advises, "For once in your life, stop thinking about what you want. Stop thinking about what Janet wants. Start thinking about those kids and what they need. Because without them, Tommy, you got nothing." Tommy hangs up on his brother and asks Plastic Dashboard Jesus, "What are you looking at?"
Garrity and Mike are apparently singing the extended version of "Lady Marmalade", because they're still at it when Chief comes back upstairs. Having vented his anger, he's able to smile at Jeannie having a good time, and at everyone dancing around.
Lou walks Candy to her car. Candy hopes he's not driving, and Lou says he'll crash at Chief's. Candy offers Lou a ride, no charge. And I don't think she means in the car. Lou accepts.
Tommy finally arrives at the House of a Thousand Cats, and is greeted with hugs from his kids. Teddy lures the kids into the kitchen with the promise of ice cream, and Pa Gavin takes off to find another drink, leaving Tommy and Janet alone. Tommy asks what she's doing there, and then starts listing off all the things he will do to be able to afford a lawyer to fight her in court. Janet says that she doesn't want to go to court, and doesn't want to steal the kids again. She claims that this whole thing made her sad, and made her think about their wedding. Because she was sad? That doesn't bode well. Janet continues to list off the good moments from their life together, and then starts crying. After pulling herself together, Janet says that she couldn't stop crying after Tommy took the kids. Tommy mellows a bit and sits down, as does Janet. She says that she needs her kids, but that they kept asking where Tommy was, including asking if he was dead. Janet says that she was in a hospital for a few weeks, and that she got some counseling. And now she has perspective: "And I think, for the sake of the kids, and for what we used to be like before Jimmy died, I think we oughta give it one last go." Tommy looks at her in disbelief, and a whole host of emotions play over his face, including relief, fear, and joy. He points out that "one last go" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement, and Janet reminds him that they promised to stay together, "'til death do us part."
"I Still Believe" by Sheryl Crow, so it's time for the episode-ending montage. Mick stands out on the street and watches through a window as Father Murph hangs out with Ricky, and then puts his arm around the boy and leads him out of the room.
Garrity makes out with one of the chicks, but has to pull away to puke into the bushes.
Tommy is still sitting in the same chair, thinking over what Janet just said, as Janet walks out of the room.
Burn Victim Mom sits to Burn Victim Kid's bed and prays.
Chief slow-dances with Jeannie as she affectionately rubs his head. Chief looks over and sees Peter and Steven slow-dancing.
Burn Victim Kid opens his eyes and looks around.
Laura sits on a stoops and sobs.
Burn Victim Kid gets checked out by a doctor. Burn Victim Mom calls Tommy and tells him the news.
Lou and Candy drive somewhere in her car and hold hands.
Tommy walks into the bedroom and finds Janet sleeping in a bed with the two younger kids. He walks in and sits in a nearby chair, watching over his reunited family.