The episode begins with some weird shaky-cam footage of the crew heading into a fire. It's unclear why the footage is different than usual, until you hear Chief radioing that a plane just hit the North tower. The crew walks into the lobby of one of the World Trade Center towers, and look around at the people trying to exit. A guy comes up and orders Chief to send half of his crew to the 77th floor, and the other half to the 65th floor. Chief tells Tommy to take a group to 77, and Lou to head to 65. The guys see papers fluttering down outside and then hear a massive whumping noise, and if you watched that documentary that was on CBS a few years ago, you know that noise. And it's horrible, because it's people's bodies hitting the ground after they decided that they'd rather die that way than burn. Jimmy joins Tommy's crew and heads for the stairwell. Tommy gets called back by some guy in the lobby doing CPR, but they drag the guy out before he can get there. But before Tommy can rejoin his crew, a lady drops her purse and he stoops to pick it up. A red phone rings on the wall, and Tommy picks it up. Jimmy is on the other end, panicked, reporting that they are trapped upstairs. Tommy promises that he'll be right there, and Jimmy starts coughing.
Cut to Tommy, waking from a daydream while sitting in his truck. The guy behind him honks the horn. Tommy gets out of his truck and beats the crap out of the guy, slamming the guy with his own car door. Then he grabs the guy's keys and throws them in the sewer. The final blow is that the guy has a 9/11 sticker in his windshield, which Tommy rips to shreds. On top of all his other psychoses and neuroses, I think Tommy has some anger-management issues.
Newbie and Garrity wander into the kitchen at the firehouse, discussing numbers. Chief and Lou ask what they're talking aobut, since they heard Garrity mention "eight and a smidge" and they're intrigued. Newbie starts telling a story about how he was bored and watching TV, but Garrity cuts to the chase and blurts, "He measured his cock." Newbie admits that his was seven and a half inches, and Garrity's was "eight and a titch." Was it a "titch" or a "smidge"? Because I think one is bigger, but I'm not sure which. Somehow I just turned into the Dr. Seuss of penis measurement. Tommy walks in and asks what they're talking about, and is soon sorry he asked. Chief asks if Tommy has ever measured, and Tommy says that when he has a hard-on, he's too busy to measure because he's using it "for the good of all mankind." Lou also claims never to have measured.
Franco walks in, and Chief asks how big his dick is. Isn't he going to buy him flowers or dinner first? Franco is taken aback, and says he hasn't measured it. Chief declares Newbie and Garrity to be "severely retarded." Garrity tries to explain again why they did it (not together, of course), and in the process, reveals their measurements again. Franco is impressed with the numbers, because he read that the average is six inches. Newbie and Garrity high-five. That is such a fratty thing to do. Chief asks if they measured from the top or the bottom. They both measured from the bottom, "under the ball sack," which I totally don't get. Why would you go under the ball sack? Like, ever. Not just in measurement. Anyway, Newbie realizes that his measurement just shrank by about an inch and he's all depressed.
Chief puts down twenty bucks to start the "Biggest Dick in the House" contest. Someone asks if he'll be competing, and he says that he hasn't seen his feet in ten years, much less his dick. Tommy has a question, and Chief correctly and cheerfully guesses that he was going to ask about girth. Newbie and Garrity don't know what that means, so Tommy explains that he's talking about circumference. Lou decides to double the wager. Chief declares that length and girth will both be measured, and that Billy will figure out a mathematical equation to combine them. Garrity asks who cares about girth. The guys shout out suggestions like "Girtha Kitt!" and "Girth Brooks." Billy walks in, and Chief asks if he wants in on the contest. Billy's not interested. Chief tries to persuade him, and Billy gets testy. Heh. Testy. Chief asks if Franco's in. Franco's in, but not that excited, because he's afraid he'll lose. Garrity brings up the issue of measuring from the top again, like, I thought that issue was already put up for a vote, and Chief says you measure from the pubic bone to the tip because that's all that enters the vagina. I still can't believe this show is on basic cable. Garrity looks grossed out and says he never thought he'd hear Chief say "vagina." Chief starts whispering, "Vagina! Va-giiiiinaaa!" Garrity gets freaked out and begs him to stop.
Tommy goes into the room to take a call from Pa Gavin, who needs some downers. Apparently, Teddy brought home a monkey, as a result of a bet he won. Tommy can hear the monkey screaming in the background. Pa says that he needs something so that he can sleep, and that he might give some to the monkey too. Tommy suggests that he just pick his father up, but Pa thinks that, at seventy-two years old, he should be able to take care of himself. By calling his son for monkey pills? Tommy agrees, and when he hangs up, the rest of the crew is staring at him. Franco asks, "A monkey?"
Tommy walks into his house, sets some groceries down on the counter, and pops some of his pills. Somewhere, a dog growls, and Tommy hits the deck. He peers around the kitchen island and sees the world's ugliest poodle barking at him. The poodle rushes over, barking. Tommy sees that there's dog poop and pee all over his floors. The phone rings. It's Janet, who's busy scrubbing stains out of her carpet. She says she wanted to warn Tommy before he got home. Tommy asks whom the dog belongs to, and Janet says that it's his now, since he told Katie it was okay. Tommy denies ever saying that. Janet adds that, in a half-hour, the dog chewed up two pairs of shoes and pooped on the rug. He's bored! Get him a Kong or something. Tommy replies, "Well, I haven't checked my closet yet, but I'm waaaaay ahead of you in the shit department." I think I used to work in that department. Janet changes the subject to report that Colleen got suspended from school for making out in the hallway -- with her girlfriend. Tommy's jaw drops, and then he gives a silent fist pump in celebration. Janet waits for a response from Tommy, who claims that he's shocked. Janet wants to send Colleen over, but Tommy says he has to go to the widows' dinner as Sheila's chaperon. Is that what we're calling it now? Janet thinks Tommy isn't showing enough concern, and Tommy says that "lesbians are big business now," and that "if [they] teach her to golf, [they're] ahead of the game." Janet orders Tommy to come over. The dog rushes Tommy again, so he stomps his foot at it, and it whimpers and runs away.
Garrity sneaks into the bathroom at work with a duffel bag. Once inside, he takes out a ruler, a tape measure, some lube, and some porn. He finds a photo he likes and prepares to go to work.
Tommy walks into Colleen's bedroom and starts to discuss the problem. Colleen says that she has a girlfriend, and it's no big deal, and that Tommy always told them not to judge people and to be honest with him. Tommy agrees. Colleen says she really likes her girlfriend, and that it's bullshit that she got in trouble for kissing her at school. Tommy agrees that it's an injustice, and that she's being persecuted. Colleen is surprised. Tommy says that she should be free to be who she is, and that's why her grandparents came to this country. Tommy realizes he's gone a little too far, but reels it back when he says that he's totally cool with it. Colleen gives him a big hug.
Tommy strolls into Janet's kitchen and snarks, "Well, it's official. She's gone lesbo." Tommy thinks it's just a phase, and says that Janet must have kissed a couple of girls in high school. Janet says she didn't. Tommy's disappointed. He prepares to leave and says that he's getting rid of the dog. Janet says that he can't, because Katie's in love with it.
Garrity has a big wank, then grabs the ruler to measure. He's disappointed with the whole measuring-from-the-top thing, because he lost an inch. He flips through the magazine until he finds a new photo and goes back to work. The Grinch hears Garrity chuckling and talking to himself and listens in as Garrity says, "Oh, look at the size of that thing!" He says Garrity's name, which causes Garrity to freeze up (and probably shrivel up as well).
Franco calls a girl named Chyna, who is surprised to hear from him. Franco reminds her about "that thing [she] wanted to put on [his] thing that night." Could you vague it up a little more? Franco says that she said it would make him stay hard for as long as he kept it on, and she agrees, and also agrees to meet up with him.
Tommy walks into Sheila's house and finds her all dressed up and sobbing. She runs up and starts making out with him, and then says that Damien is dealing drugs. Well, you name your kid "Damien," you deserve what you get. Sheila is still making out with Tommy and sobbing, which would kind of be a turn-off. Sheila breaks away to show Tommy two baggies full of pills, and says that Damien is upstairs tearing his room apart, looking for them. Tommy agrees to go talk to the kid, and is rewarded with another giant kiss.
Tommy walks into Damien's room, and finds him going through his dresser drawers. Tommy points out the baggies of pills in his hand, and says that Jimmy would kill his son for this. Damien denies that they're his, and Tommy tells him that this has to stop. Damien agrees, way too quickly. Tommy asks if that's everything, and threatens to tear the room apart. Damien reaches under his desk and hands Tommy a baggie. Tommy asks if that's it, and Damien retrieves a bag from his closet and says that's really it. Tommy jokes that he's going to open a pharmacy on his front lawn, and starts to leave. Tommy looks at the bags and asks what they are. Damien wonders why Tommy cares. Tommy says it's none of Damien's business, so Damien points out which are roofies, which are ketamine, and which are Adderall. Tommy leaves and says that if it happens again, he's calling the cops.
Tommy and Sheila head to the dinner. Sheila points out that they're headed the wrong way. Tommy says he has a stop to make.
Franco enjoys oral pleasure from Chyna, who pauses to put on the cock ring. So they can say "cock," but not "cock ring"? Franco doesn't want to stop, but Chyna says she's curious now. She starts sliding the ring on, but it's apparently a tight squeeze.
Tommy and Sheila arrive at Teddy's house. Pa Gavin hugs Sheila while Teddy threatens to shove a banana up the screaming monkey's ass. Teddy spots Sheila and gives her a hug. Tommy says he's going to talk to his dad in the kitchen. They adjourn, and Tommy hands over the pills. He explains what the various pills are, and Pa Gavin is intrigued by the ketamine, because it's an animal tranquilizer. Tommy realizes that you could probably use that on animals.
Chyna is astounded by her measurement, which is five inches. Viewers are momentarily disappointed until she announces that it's five inches around. Go ahead, get a visual on that. Use a tape measure if you need to. I'll wait. Franco seems pleased, and asks her to check the length, because the whole ring is starting to feel bizarre. There is lots of clever blocking using props to hide Franco's junk. Chyna whips out the measuring tape while Franco complains about guys' obsession with their dick size. Chyna announces that it's nine inches long. Franco can't believe it, and lets out a yelp. Chyna rolls her eyes and smirks.
Sheila and Tommy arrive at the dinner and are greeted by one of the widows, who is apparently going on a family cruise with her mom and kids. A window named Gloria is very friendly with Tommy, and Sheila seems annoyed. Tommy goes with Gloria to get a drink. Gloria asks how Tommy is feeling, surrounded by "sad, bereaved ladies." There are not many men in the room, by the way. Gloria reveals that people are saying Tommy is seeing Sheila. Tommy realizes that he's in trouble, and orders a water instead of something stronger. He protests that he's there as a chaperon, and that it's official business. Gloria assures him that it's okay if he and Sheila are dating, and Tommy says that he's not, and that he's not interested anyway.
As you probably guessed, Franco's cock ring is stuck. I swear, recapping this show results in the most bizarre sentences. Chyna doesn't know what to do. Franco says they'll have to wait until it goes away. Chyna says it won't, because the blood is trapped inside his penis. Chyna gets all turned on by his penis, and Franco tells her to knock it off. She suggests calling 911, and Franco refuses. He tells her to hand over the phone.
Gloria is still coming on to Tommy, explaining that she's a lonely widow, and he's a good-looking guy with a shitty marriage. Tommy says that he's there in an official position. Gloria comes right out with it: "Take me. Take me home and have me." Tommy has a vision of her standing in front of him, topless, and says he has to go.
Franco calls Lou. There's a giant pink towel sitting over Franco's erect junk. Franco says desperately that he needs a favor.
Tommy walks up to Sheila, who is giggling with her friend. He asks if she can get a ride home from the dinner. She says that she can, and Tommy says he's out of there. Sheila just rolls her eyes and agrees.
Lou shows up to help Franco, bearing some sort of metal saw. Lou says this is just like the time they found the fat broad handcuffed to the radiator. Franco reminds him that it's his dick, not someone's wrist. Lou peeks under the towel and adds that it's Franco's "apparently contest-winning dick." Lou asks Chyna to get something nonflammable, since a lot of friction will be generated, and he doesn't want any burning or scarring. He advises Franco to "be a man," and then starts up the saw or grinder or whatever the fuck it is. Franco looks terrified. I'm terrified, and I don't even have a dick.
Pa Gavin calls Tommy and asks what kind of pills those were. Apparently, Teddy took some, and now he's ready to dance all night, in the company of a bunch of hookers. Tommy asks about the monkey, and Pa says that its pulse is racing, so he's been throwing shooters into the monkey's room. Tommy realizes that he gave his dad the wrong pills. He suggests that his dad try the animal tranquilizers, and his dad says he'll use a double dosage.
Lou's saw is shooting off sparks as Franco tries not to lose his shit, both emotionally and physically. Franco complains that it burns, and Lou cheerfully continues sawing.
Tommy walks into his house and starts looking through the cabinets. A cat hops out of one of them. Tommy turns and sees all his dead friends standing in the living room, so he walks quickly out of the house.
Tommy walks into the church, and prepares to light some more candles. All his dead friends are there with him. He lights some more candles, and the girl from the car accident disappears. He lights another one, and one of the firefighters disappears. He lights another and the little boy disappears. He lights a final one and the little girl disappears. I guess the cat is on its own.
Tommy hears a noise and walks around the corner to find his cousin Mick the Priest standing there. Tommy says he was just lighting and candle and saying a prayer. Mick says that they have security cameras all over the place and he knows that Tommy has been there four time in the past month. Mick wonders if Tommy has renewed his faith in God, and Tommy says he hasn't. Mick didn't think so. Tommy says he believes in the candles, and thinks that he's into the whole magical side of being Catholic. He's come to the conclusion that "God makes things disappear," and that "sometimes it's honest hard-working people and sometimes it's ghosts." Mick is silent. Tommy says it's what led him there, but he stops when he hears a cat meow. He asks if Mick has a cat. Mick says that strays wander in sometimes. Tommy says he's got to go, and starts to walk out. Mick asks Tommy to call him.
Teddy is playing strip charades with the hookers. One hooker has to remove more clothing. Pa asks Teddy how he's feeling, and he responds, "I'm kicking some ass in strip charades. I'm drunk. I'm high. I've never felt better." If I only had a nickel for every time I've said that exact same thing! Teddy thinks Pa should check on the monkey. Pa gingerly goes to the bathroom, the interior of which is covered in shaving cream. He slowly opens the door and finds the fakest monkey doll ever in the bathtub. Pa realizes that the monkey isn't moving and backs out quickly. Outside, Teddy flops onto the floor. The hookers wonder if he's dead. Pa thinks he just hit the wall, and adds, "I'm pretty sure the monkey's dead, though." Pa grabs Teddy's keys and asks the hooker to tell Teddy when he wakes up that Pa took his car.
Chief is making a chart on a chalkboard in the firehouse to track everyone's penis measurements. Garrity was unable to get girth measurements due to his interruption. Lou hands off his numbers, and Chief is impressed. Lou thinks that Newbie's girth is like "a Magic Marker" and Newbie worries that he was doing it wrong. Lou clarifies that it's "all the way around," and Newbie says disappointedly that he did it right. Franco limps in and reports his numbers, but Lou corrects him on the girth measurement. Chief asks what that's about, and Lou says it's a long story. Tommy walks in and asks who wants a dog, but before anyone can answer, they get a call.
The truck pulls up at an abandoned apartment building. You can see fire coming out most of the windows. The crew heads inside, and Chief cautions them that there might be squatters inside. It's so dark and smoky inside that I can't really see what in the hell is going on. Tommy tells everyone to stay close. Seriously. I don't know if it's my TV, but I have no idea what is going on. At some point, part of a flaming wall falls, blocking Tommy into a room. Newbie tries to yell for Tommy, who is moving ahead, looking for people, and apparently has no idea that he's trapped.
Outside, Billy prepares to go into the second floor through a window. Billy runs in and finds Newbie, who reports Tommy's situation. Billy says he knows the building, and drags Newbie along to find him.
Tommy realizes his situation, but he's also found a squatter. He tries to find an exit.
Billy and Newbie bang on a door to point Tommy in the right direction. Tommy passes off the squatter and tells the other guys to drag her out. Billy says he's going to go back in for a final sweep. Tommy tells him to be careful and to stay around the edges. Suddenly, part of the wall collapses. This would all be a lot more exciting if I could SEE ANYTHING! I realize they're trying to show how scary it is in there, and how the guys can't see anything, but come on.
Newbie drags the squatter outside and reports that Tommy and Billy are still in the building.
Inside, Billy calls back to Tommy and says he's got another squatter. He passes her off, and just as she is safe with Tommy, the floor collapses and Billy disappears.
Tommy goes outside with his squatter and asks if Billy came out. Shouldn't he have told someone about the floor collapse as soon as he got outside? The whole crew starts to run back into the building to get Billy, but they are stopped by a giant fireball exploding from a garage door, and they all get knocked on their asses. This leads to a montage of guys spraying water from hoses, EMTs doing CPR on the squatters, and the crew watching helplessly as, slowly, the fire is put out. Finally, they head back in to dig through the rubble and look for Billy. Newbie is the one who finds the body, and they carry it out on a stretcher. Chief watches them, crying. On the ride home, the guys all sit silently and stare out their windows. Tommy sits in the back, looking like he might puke.
Cut to Billy's funeral service, complete with bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace." The whole crew is in attendance. Chief steps up to a podium and delivers a eulogy for Billy Warren, "a firefighter's firefighter" and "a brave, brave man." Chief says that Billy left specific instructions covering the eventuality of his being killed in the line of duty. He didn't want a big funeral mass, and he wanted his ex-wife to speak in his memory. Chief cedes the podium to Billy's ex-wife, Sandra, played by Paula Devicq of Party of Five fame. She hasn't gained any weight back, if you were wondering. Sandra says that she and Billy were married for about five weeks, years ago. The marriage ended when she discovered that he was screwing his ex-girlfriend, Mary, who is also in attendance. And a hot piece of ass, I might add. I think I've been watching this show too long. Everyone looks uncomfortable, as Sandra adds that Billy really only loved his crew. She asks Tommy, Chief, Lou, and Franco to stand up, so they do. She says that none of them would ever admit that they feel closer to the guys in the firehouse than they do to their own families. She adds that they're seen as heroic and brave, but they're really just mortals who burn the same as regular citizens in a fire. She says that if they choose to get married and have kids, they owe something to those families. Janet looks on from the audience like, "Right on, bitch!" Sandra sighs that she won't miss Billy, because she wrote him out of her life the day she found out he was cheating on her. And that's Billy's eulogy. Garrity looks as confused as I do.
The crew hangs out in a basement somewhere, drinking beers and toasting Billy. Lou points out that both of Billy's women were smoking hot. Franco pulls Tommy aside and says that he heard a rumor that Tommy is "doing some widow-banging." Tommy is shocked, and Franco says that people are saying Tommy took Gloria home. Tommy denies it, telling the truth for once. Franco reminds Tommy that widow-banging is against the rules. Garrity walks up and offers Tommy a drink. He's about to take it until Sheila walks up, so he refuses.
Tommy gives Sheila a ride home. She asks if the whole thing with Gloria was untrue. Tommy says that Gloria's nuts. Sheila asks whether Tommy really quit drinking. Tommy babbles that he quit drinking in front of family so that Janet would take him back, but he couldn't tell the guys he quit, because they might take that as a sign of weakness or think that he's losing it. Oh, they already think that, Mr. Sixth Sense. Sheila doesn't see the sense in it. Tommy says he really hasn't had a drink in two weeks because he's on medication. Sheila chuckles, "So Gloria's nuts." Tommy pulls up in front of the house, and Sheila invites him in.
Once inside, Sheila encourages Tommy to have a drink, because she's had a few and he needs to catch up. Sheila lights a cigarette and tries to appear seductive. Tommy sighs and says that he doesn't think this is a good idea. He says that the guys frown on it, as do the widows. Sheila yells that she doesn't care. Tommy says that he does. Sheila needily says, "I can't meet anybody. I can't get Jimmy out of my mind. He's always there, and you are the closest thing I have to him. You're sweet, and you're funny, and you're here. Right now, right here. Christ! You lost Jimmy, you just lost Billy Warren. I mean, how long do you think all of us have? Today is what we have. Today, Tommy. This is what we have!"
Tommy thinks it over as Sheila angrily stubs out her cigarette. Tommy starts going through the cupboards and finds some liquor. He chugs straight from the bottle, as Sheila tells him to take it easy. Tommy takes another slug and asks Sheila if this is what she wanted. She shrugs uneasily. Tommy asks angrily if that's good enough for her. He slams the bottle down on the counter and advances toward Sheila while taking his shirt off. He backs her into a wall and starts making out with her. He forces her to say that it's bad, which she does happily. They start doing it right there, and he picks her up and dumps her on the dining-room table. He keeps talking about how wrong it is, and it's actually pretty hot. And graphic. They crash onto a couch, Sheila on top. As she comes, she moans loudly. Tommy angrily tells her to go into the kitchen and pour him a nice tall whiskey. Sheila points out that he didn't finish. Tommy says there's plenty of time for that. Sheila giggles and takes off for the kitchen. Tommy quickly grabs a remote and uses his keys to scratch a mark into it for measuring purposes. Sheila comes back in with the bottle, and Tommy makes up a lie about the remote being broken, so he'll get it fixed for her. Sheila hops right back in the saddle, but when he looks aside, he sees Jimmy looking in the door. Tommy freaks out and says that he needs to go, and Sheila screams no. That is, until she hears Damien come in, and scrambles to get dressed.
At the firehouse the day, Franco shows the crew a picture of Billy in the paper. Tommy walks in and slaps down a remote, explaining that he marked his length and width on there. Lou walks in and says that the Biggest Dick In The House contest is over. Franco thinks he won. Lou reminds them how shocked they were at how hot Billy's ex-wife was. Lou talked to her, and she revealed his measurements. And in case anyone was wondering, and for posterity, here are the final measurements from the board. Lou: Length 5 ½, Girth 4 ½. Garrity: Length 7, Girth unreported. Newbie: Length 6 ½, Girth 2 ½. Franco: Length 9, Girth 4 ¾. And Billy: Length 10. Lou asks Tommy about the remote, and Tommy lies that it's broken and he needs to fix it.
At her house, Sheila pours herself some whiskey and gulps it down.
At his house, Tommy drinks whiskey. He calls out to Jimmy, and gets no response. Instead, the poodle comes over and curls up to him. Tommy sighs, "Looks like it's you and me, Asshole."