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A Neapolitan count visits the French court while Henry is away crushing a peasant rebellion in Lorraine (as you do), but Vincent isn't just visiting to enjoy Evil Anne's legendary hospitality -- he wants revenge for the imprisonment and death of his son at the hands of the French army.
Vincent refuses to take money as salve for his pain, so Evil Anne offers him a royal bride -- that would be Mary -- to bear him some replacement sons. Francis, who just five minutes ago was screwing Olivia up against a wall, panics and volunteers as a hostage.
Evil Anne and Mary are forced to team up to save stupid Francis. Mary asks Clarissa the ghost to show her a way out of the castle through the secret tunnels, which she does, and Evil Anne puts together a plan whereby Francis, his little brothers and everyone else in the castle will escape through the tunnels while Evil Anne, Mary and the ladies-in-waiting distract Vincent and his men at a feast.
Everything goes according to plan until Olivia ruins everything because she is the worst. She lets Francis, the princes and everyone else into the secret tunnel, but then bails before Mary and the ladies can make their escape. Luckily, Evil Anne had the forethought to poison all of Vincent's men. Mary stabs Vincent to death and then everybody hugs and Mary and Francis run off and have disgraceful thank-God-we're-alive sex.
Meanwhile, Diane plots to make Bash the legitimate heir to the throne. Bash hates this idea and scowls for three days straight.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Henry took up with Kenna, but he didn't dump his longtime mistress Diane de Poitiers as he promised, and now she's living in the guest chateau! Francis's ex-girlfriend Olivia showed up and he told Mary that since he plans to spend the eight months ears-deep in Olivia's lady business, she's allowed go out walking with other fellows -- except not Bash. Bash and Diane are secret pagans and are super worried about getting burned alive. With good reason!
Evil Anne of Green Gables and Mary watch as a bunch of digitally generated extras ride out of the castle. Mary says she doesn't see Bash, and wonders why he isn't riding to war with the king. Evil Anne corrects her that it's not war, it's just some uppity peasants, and furthermore it's an excuse for men to wave their dicks around and make a bunch of noise. "Men must find something to kill from time to time," she sniffs. "It's a pity they can't live harmoniously -- like women."
This is the most hilarious thing Mary has ever heard, and she nearly chokes on her own bile when Evil Anne viciously brings up Olivia and how she's been making the beast with two backs with Francis on every flat surface in Fontainebleu. And some of the vertical surfaces. "What a sweet, generous girl you are," Evil Anne says poisonously, continuing to compliment Mary on her obedient service to the alliance even though Francis loves someone else, just like how Henry loves Diane.
, in a hallway, it's Olivia's turn. Evil Anne compliments her on doing the nasty with Francis and tries to give her some advice on turning illicit sex into a legitimate crown. Olivia, the picture of wounded innocence and devotion, says she just wants Francis, not the crown, and moans that he still loves Mary. She bitterly tells Evil Anne that Francis yelled Mary's name when he had his little death, which is something you should totally tell your boyfriend's mother, oh my god.
Speaking of the derelict dauphin, he's fork jousting with his little brother, Charlie the Tyrant-to-be. A nurse takes Charlie off to tutor him in the best way to murder Protestants and Francis explains to the just-arrived Mary that Evil Anne is making everyone in the household learn how to use this new-to-them utensil. (True story! Although it happened before Francis was born.) He manages not to swallow his tongue when surveying Mary's strapless gown starring her bosom companions Sixtus and Callixtus (this might be the most historically inappropriate thing she's worn yet?) as he explains that some Neapolitan nobleman is coming to dinner and the fork policy is part of the diplomatic reception.
Mary isn't interested in forks; she immediately picks a fight and wails about how much she hates Olivia and how Francis rubs their affair in her face. Francis just fluffs his bangs and makes some mealymouthed excuses about how he has to be apart from Mary or he'll go insane, so he's trying to forget her in Olivia's lap. Mary rolls her eyes epically.
Greer reads a letter from her father in the kitchen as Leith goes about his man-wench duties. He asks if Papa Greer's letter instructs her to get married and she scoffs at how gauche he is; Papa Greer only inquired politely about whether Greer has met "agreeable men." That is, fellows with money. She muses about how her family's money, which comes from mining, is running out, so it's her responsibility to marry well and refill the coffers. He seductively offers to teach her how to cook so she'll have some skill other than smiling at men.
Leith stands behind Greer as she holds the handle of the frying pan (France didn't have forks, but they had skillets? Sure, okay!) and does his best Julia Child as he tells her to have the courage of her convictions when flipping an omelet. She flips and the food lands on the floor, but he soothes her hurt feelings with his pretty face and invites her to a day out at the hot springs up in the hills.
Evil Anne instructs Francis to be on his best behavior as Count Vincent of Naples is introduced. The two camps of nobles stride toward each other and Evil Anne greets Vincent in Italian. Francis apologizes for Henry's absence, and before they can go off for a lovely repast of artichokes and veal, the king's steward interrupts and says he must ask that Vincent's men surrender their weapons. Vincent agrees a bit too quickly. Incidentally, Vincent's lead henchman looks nearly identical to Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell, for those of you who miss the '90s as much as I do.
In Diane's rooms, she asks Bash why he didn't go with Henry. Bash sulks that he's tired of killing. Diane brings up the problem of what will happen to the two of them when Henry is gone. Bash is confident that Francis will be fine with their presence, but Diane doesn't need Sexy Nostradamus to predict that Evil Anne will chuck her out of the castle before Henry's body goes cold. So Diane has a plan. They can legitimize Bash, because if a bastard on the throne is good enough for England, it's good enough for Sebastian de Poitiers.
Bash shuts his mother down when she starts to speculate about how they could get Henry's marriage to Evil Anne annulled. He reminds her that she's basically proposing treason, which seems like a really good way to get one's fetching head chopped off.
Vincent greets Mary quite warmly, lecherously telling Francis to guard her lest someone steal her away. He then insults Evil Anne by obliquely asking if she's keeping the gold goblets the pope gave Henry and Evil Anne for their marriage for "more important" guests. Mary tries to smooth over the awkward by asking if this is Vincent's first visit to France, and he breezily replies that a year ago he had to ransom his son from captivity near the border. I'm sure that gun won't go off in the third act or anything.
For some reason, as they discuss how Vincent ransomed his son, the four -- Mary, Vincent, Francis, Evil Anne -- are all standing in the middle of an otherwise empty room in a circle, even though there are chairs right to them. Vincent says the worth of his son's life -- 1,500 ducats, to be precise -- were clarified by the experience, and they all drink to peace and friendship. And to clarity, Vincent suggests.
Greer has decked herself out like a servant for her excursion with Leith. But before they can leave, a man comes through the portcullis and demands to know who they are. Leith says they're from the kitchen, which the man doesn't believe after he sees Greer's flawless hands. But he dismisses them. Leith is the only one who understands what's going on. "I think we've lost the castle," he tells Greer, as he pulls her away.
Vincent casually asks when they expect Henry's return. Francis blusters that it could be any moment, but Vincent knows exactly where Henry is -- in Lorraine, suppressing that peasant rebellion. When one of Vincent's men whispers to him, Francis hisses urgently at Mary to go upstairs. Sixtus and Callixtus do seem rather concerned…and possibly cold.
Diane wants to present her idea of legitimizing Bash to Henry, since she's already gone to the trouble of bribing some cardinals, but Bash tells her he'll have no part in taking the throne from Francis. "He took it from you," Diane murmurs seductively. Before they can argue anymore, armed men burst in and hold Diane and Bash at swordpoint.
Francis asks Vincent why, exactly, he's come to visit, and he confesses that he wants restitution for his son's imprisonment: Roberto died of dysentery not long after he was freed, and since Vincent's wife is dead and he has no other children, he's here for revenge. Evil Anne offers her sympathy on the death of his child, but suggests that Vincent wait until the king returns.
Vincent shows his villain hand when he says he deliberately came when Henry was away. As Vincent monologues, we see his troops locking all the armed men in the castle, including Bash, in the dungeon. He'll be holding the castle, and its occupants, until he gets what he wants.
Later, Vincent's men celebrate boisterously in the great hall, firing crossbow bolts at a painting of Henry. Kenna (whom Henry seems to have fucked into a permanent cross-eyed state) picks this moment to storm through the great room, and the Backstreet Boy man-at-arms intercepts her. She shrieks about how he has no idea who she is -- a special friend of the king's! Oh, Kenna, you idiot. Mary interrupts and tells the Backstreet Boy to unhand her lady, but the Backstreet Boy rudely flouts her authority.
Vincent arrives and the Backstreet Boy explains that they're just having a little fun with "the King's whore." Vincent seems inclined to let the soldiers have her, but Mary politely asks Vincent to let her and the Scottish ladies retire upstairs while he negotiates with the French. Vincent agrees, on the condition that the ladies all attend a feast with Vincent's men that night, and gives his word as a gentleman that Mary and the ladies won't be harmed. He appears quite taken with Mary's manners.
In Mary's room, Aylee wonders where Greer is. Just then, there's a knock at the door and Greer brings in a tray. She lies that she thought she'd be safer in the kitchen and that's why she's dressed like a servant. But Mary knows what's up. While they wait, Mary decides to try her luck with Clarissa. In the ghost passageway, she explains what's happening and asks if there's a safe way out of the castle through the tunnels.
Vincent pours gold coins from a trunk onto a table in Evil Anne's room as Francis snips that this is ten times Roberto's ransom. Vincent is not satisfied. Evil Anne suggests what will really help him feel better is a bride -- like, perhaps, the virginal Queen of Scotland. Francis makes tiny squeaky noises while Evil Anne ruthlessly says Vincent can ransom Mary or ruin her, forcing her to marry him. Vincent asks if Francis agrees. Francis most certainly does not. Rather, Francis proposes that Vincent take him, Francis, hostage. Evil Anne freaks out, but she can't prevent Vincent from accepting the offer.
Dungeon. Vincent's lead man comes into the cell where Bash is locked up and tosses him a heel of bread. The man approaches and Bash manages to knock him unconscious and get out of the cell, but he doesn't get far.
Evil Anne's room. Mary walks in and asks how the negotiations went. Evil Anne bitterly explains Francis's latest idiocy, which doesn't surprise Mary. Mary explains her idea about the secret passageways, to which Evil Anne scoffs that they're a death trap. But Mary insists that she knows the way out, and she's marked a path with chalk. Evil Anne points out that it's kind of hard to make a secret escape through the great hall when there are Italians everywhere, and Mary snaps that Evil Anne can stay and die for all she cares.
Evil Anne has a better idea: a diversion. I'm beginning to think this show was written for the Scooby Doo gang. She wants to use the feast as the distraction, since everyone is supposed to be there, except Francis, who's locked up in his room. They plot to keep Vincent and his men busy at the feast while they give Francis and everyone else in the castle a head start to get out of the castle. Evil Anne says she'll remain behind so the Italians won't believe anything is amiss, but Mary doesn't trust this sudden reversal of character.
Evil Anne grits that she loves her son and would do anything for him. She clasps her hands and swears to Mary that she'll be the last one to leave the castle. They agree to do this to save Francis's life.
Charlie and toddler Henry Trois play in front of the fire in Francis's room as Mary explains the plan to Francis. But Francis, bless his stupid, interfering heart, is ready to muck everything up by playing the hero. He swears he'll come back for Mary after he gets his brothers and the staff safely out of the castle. Sixtus and Callixtus earnestly explain that Francis will die if he doesn't follow Mary's plan. He apologizes for Olivia and for being an ass, and she brushes that off in favor of reminding him they have a responsibility to save the people in the castle. She begs him to trust her to get herself out of the feast alive. He kisses her and she asks him to promise he won't come back for her. Vincent's man interrupts to take Mary to the feast. Francis stares at his little brothers.
In a hallway, Mary explains to Olivia and Evil Anne that the door they'll be escaping through can't be opened from the outside, so Olivia will wait in the passageway and when she hears two knocks, she'll open the door for Francis and later for Mary. Mary opens the passageway and Olivia looks down the dark, scary tunnel and frets about why she has to be the one standing alone in there. Is this because she nailed Mary's fiancé?
Evil Anne snaps that Vincent won't miss Olivia, since she's not invited to the feast, and threatens Olivia with her "extreme displeasure" if she doesn't succeed. Evil Anne hands over a candle and shoves Olivia into the secret passageway.
Bash's cell. He now has a big iron ring locked around his neck, to inhibit any future escape attempts. Vincent's man says he's been instructed to kill Bash, then holds a flask to Bash's lips so he can drink. Bash asks why he isn't dead, and the guard replies that Diane has bribed him. This does not surprise Bash.
Mary's room. Kenna, Lola, and Aylee are going on about how they can't possibly go along with this ruse. They'd prefer getting raped to death by a couple dozen Italian soldiers? Jesus, Kenna, try not to be such an ignorant slut all the time. A knock, and Evil Anne enters. She tells the girls to put on their big-girl pants and do what has to be done. Lola and Kenna sass THE GODDAMN QUEEN OF FRANCE, and Evil Anne quite politely doesn't gut them with her crucifix.
Evil Anne, a terrible rage on her face, tells them that when she was eight years old, the castle in Florence where she lived was taken over by rebels. For the several years, she was housed in a series of convents, a hostage of men just like Vincent's. Men who wanted to do to Evil Anne exactly what Vincent's men want to do to the ladies-in-waiting. She could hear them men outside laughing, talking about how they'd share her.
So they prayed, Evil Anne says, she and the nuns prayed that God would send the pope and his armies to rescue them. (That would be Pope Clement, Catherine's uncle, who was having his own difficulties as a result of Martin Luther riling up half of Europe into an anti-Catholic fervor.) One day the pope did ride into Florence to rescue her. "I emerged intact, and so will you, if you have faith," Evil Anne says.
At the feast, Evil Anne presents a huge trunk of gold coins to the Italian soldiers. Greer, still in servant drag, brings food into the hall.
Upstairs in his room, Francis shushes his brothers and douses an enormous candle, pulling it off the pillar it was on. When one of the boys screams, an Italian soldier comes into Francis's room; Francis stabs him with the base the candle was on. Francis picks up the man's crossbow and kills another Italian as he runs out into the hall. He goes back for his brothers and tells them to stay closely behind him.
In the kitchen, Leith tells the rest of the staff to meet Francis in the south hall. Greer insists on staying with him to keep serving so the Italians don't suspect anything.
Francis kills another soldier, not very cleanly, and knocks on the panel. Olivia opens it and the servants all file in, with the two princes. Olivia pleads with Francis to take her with him, but he reminds her to wait for Mary and the ladies. She chooses this moment to get snippy about how Mary's the one he really loves, and Francis manfully manages not to point out that when someone's acting more childish than he is, it's really dire. He's all, kind of in the middle of something! Life and death situation! Do what Evil Anne told you or she'll wear your face as a mask!
At the feast, Mary (who's again wearing that red lace dress that looks like she has full-body poison ivy) whispers to Vincent that it's difficult for her to breathe because of her corset. "Corset" is apparently the dirtiest word you can say to a sixteenth-century Italian, the equivalent of skiving off Sunday School by mentioning your period, because Vincent immediately agrees that Mary should absent herself until she's feeling better. She takes the useless ladies with her.
Francis leads his flock through the passageway, coming to a branch. He finds Mary's chalk mark and sends the others on ahead, turning right. Back at the head of the passageway, Olivia hears an Italian laughing on the other side of the wall and abandons her post in a fit of cowardice. Francis stops and wonders aloud where Mary is. Charlie asks if Francis is abandoning them, but he says no, and they continue on.
Mary and the girls come to the secret door. She knocks. No one answers. Mary knocks more, frantic, calling for Olivia, who's not there, because she is a faithless twit.
Kitchen. Vincent's man asks Leith where the girl with the soft hands is—and then he notices that the kitchen is suspiciously empty. He draws his sword, but before he can get away to notify Vincent, Leith tackles him. They fight, and Leith is getting the bad end of it when Greer leaps on Vincent's man, screaming and scratching. But the trained fighter is winning against the baker and the noble girl…until Greer knocks him unconscious with a cast-iron pan. "Did I kill him?" she asks. Leith doesn't answer; he draws his dagger and cuts the man's throat. "One of us killed him," he confirms.
Mary slaps ineffectually at the panel just as the Backstreet Boy wanders up. She says they were just returning and he escorts them back to the table. In the tunnels, horrible Olivia proceeds to get herself well and truly lost. Her candle goes out on a gust and she gasps, "What are you?!"
When Evil Anne sees Mary and the ladies returning, she rises and asks Vincent if the money they've offered him isn't enough. She tells him Henry will go to war over his heirs, but Vincent, bereaved father, doesn't give a fuck. He thanks them for the feast and says they'll be on their way, with Francis in tow. Evil Anne pleads with Vincent not to take her children, and she offers him the ladies-in-waiting and their virginity. (Well, what's left of it).
As Evil Anne pleads, Vincent draws his dagger and tells Evil Anne to carve out her heart and give it to him so she can understand his loss. (Evil Anne has already buried three children by this point, including twin daughters whose birth nearly killed her just a year ago, but of course nothing compares to your pain, asshole.) He just wants his son back in exchange for the lives of the princes. But since it's the show that precedes this one that deals with the undead, he says, "Forgive me, Mary. For I am not a gentle man." Vincent grabs Mary and the Backstreet Boy takes Kenna.
The great hall has turned into a non-consensual orgy in progress, with Vincent throwing Mary onto the table and climbing on top of her as she struggles. To get Vincent's attention, Evil Anne smashes the huge hourglass that's been on the table the whole time, telling how long it will take for Francis to escape the castle. She snarls that Vincent's son is dead because unlike Evil Anne, he wasn't ready to pay the necessary price. She tells him to unhand the queen of Scotland and she'll let him leave the castle alive.
The Backstreet Boy and all of Vincent's men start bleeding from their noses and then, one by one, collapse on the floor. Vincent protests that they ate the same food and drank wine he brought. Evil Anne sneers, "Poison is an art." Mary guesses it was the gold coins the men so greedily handled. Vincent draws his dagger as he hisses, "I never touched your gold, Medici bitch."
As Vincent lunges for Evil Anne, Mary picks up one of those ever so elegant forks and stabs Vincent right in the throat. He collapses on the table, still living, fumbling for the fork in his neck, and Francis swoops in and severs Vincent's hand, the one still holding his dagger. Doing his best John McClane, he growls, "Your son awaits you." Francis, please. The ladies were handling this.
Francis embraces Mary as the three girls fall into each others' arms, stunned that Evil Anne saved their lives. (Hey, where's Sexy Nostradamus been all this time? Just, like, puttering around in his dungeon, completely oblivious to the onslaught of rape-y Neapolitans?) Kenna's bleeding from a cut lip and crying, and Francis escorts her to the infirmary. Mary and Evil Anne stare at Vincent, bleeding out on the table, and Mary asks why Evil Anne didn't let Vincent ruin her. Evil Anne grudgingly says Mary risked her life to save Francis, so she figured she owed her.
Mary, crying, says she doesn't think the pope saved Evil Anne in Florence when she was young. "The first lesson I ever learned was not to wait for a man's rescue," Evil Anne replies. "History is written by the survivors, and I am surely that." I fucking love her.
Diane and Bash walk together under the trees. He asks if her earlier suggestion that the Vatican would agree to Bash becoming the legitimate heir depended on Francis, Charlie, and Henry III all dying. He observes that Vincent's men weren't particularly harsh with him, even before Diane bribed them, and asks if she told Vincent when the king would be away. Diane confesses that Bash was supposed to go with Henry, so he'd miss the violence. Bash insists that Francis is his brother, but Diane reminds him Evil Anne would happily have him killed if she could. "You are a complication of Henry's lust that they endure," Diane tells her son coldly. Bash storms away and Diane just stares after him, pondering the mathematical impossibility of having a son only three years her junior.
Mary comes into Francis's room and says she couldn't sleep. Well, of course you couldn't, sweetheart, it's noon. She thumps her fists on Francis's birdlike chest and wails about why he came back, why he did something so stupid. He interrupts by telling her he loves her, and that they need to be together.
She protests some more and he shuts her up by kissing her. And then he does it again. And there's this great big bed right there, kids! You could do all kinds of mouth stuff! Francis backs her to the bed and climbs on top of her. "Tell me when you want me to stop," he says. "Never," Mary replies. Oh, those priests who witness your wedding night aren't going to like this.
time: Henry declares it's time for Mary and Francis's wedding. Evil Anne is firmly back on Team No Way This Bitch Marries My Son, and Sexy Nostradamus is back! And nothing was ever heard from Olivia again. (I hope).