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In 1557 France, teenage Mary, Queen of Scots, leaves the convent where she's been hiding for the past six years and arrives with her four besties at the French royal court, where her betrothed, Prince Francis II, lives with his sprawling, insane family. The cast of thousands (of cousins) includes the king, the queen, the king's mistress, the king's bastard, the queen's pet fortune teller, the king and queen's other nine legitimate children, and a bunch of priests and sundry old dudes who watch the king and queen of Spain get it on.
The besties include social-climbing Greer, naive Aylee, horny Kenna, and love-struck Lola, whose hometown Scottish boyfriend, Colin, shows up in France just in time for Queen Catherine to blackmail him into raping Mary so she'll be defiled and therefore ineligible to be queen. Mary's warned beforehand by the ghosts who live in her room (yep: the ghosts who live in her room), so she doesn't drink the drugged wine supplied by the queen's pet fortune teller, Nostradamus, and Colin fails to rape her. He's beheaded for his trouble and Lola cries. Au revoir, Colin.
Elsewhere, the king and queen's daughter Elizabeth has just married the king of Spain, and the king (of France) celebrates by cheating on his wife and his mistress with Mary's lady-in-waiting Kenna. (The king of Spain celebrates by consummating his marriage in front of a bunch of priests and old dudes.) The mistress, Diane de Poitiers, and her son, bastard Sebastian, have plots of their own. Everyone has plots. Tons and tons of plots. In future episodes we can look forward to war with Italy, war with England and people dying gruesomely of really innocuous things like earaches.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open with water falling on dogwood leaves, and then we see blood. A bearded man -- who sort of looks like hottie producer Liam on Nashville, which will distract me all through this episode -- stands under the tree and blood drips on his face. He looks down at his hands, which are covered in blood.
Beardy wakes up from his dream and gasps, "She's coming."
A teenaged girl in a field chucks a primitive leather ball over her head toward some nuns. Nun soccer! We're told this is France, 1557, and Mary, Queen of Scots has been secretly living at a convent to keep her safe since she was nine. Mary, who is now fifteen and Henry VIII's great-niece, is engaged to Francis, the future king of France, who's two years younger than she is…uh, historically. (As we'll see, he's not played by a thirteen-year-old. Although he acts like one). The nuns and Mary and some other girls have lunch. One nun starts frothing at the mouth and bleeding from her nose and ears. She chokes and collapses into her porridge, rather horribly. Another nun runs over to take Mary's obviously poisoned plate away from her.
The Mother Superior wants to get Mary safely away after the assassination attempt. Mary gasps that she didn't know Sister Helen was tasting her food, and the Mother Superior explains that every meal she's eaten since she was weaned has been tasted for safety, since she's, you know, the queen of Scotland.
Wikipedia history time! Mary succeeded to the Scottish throne at the age of six days, when her father, James V, died. Mary's mother was French, and the Stuarts, crucially, are Catholic, whereas the reigning English monarchs are Protestant, on account of Great-Uncle Henry wanting to bang some strange. It's also worth mentioning that a good portion of Scotland is Protestant as well, thanks to the efforts of John Calvin, so when Mary does eventually go back, that will cause some trouble. Mary's living at the convent to keep her safe, since all manner of people want to kill her for all manner of reasons: they don't like Catholics, they especially don't like her claim to the English throne, they've just gotten used to beheading women since Anne Boleyn rolled into town and now if they don't see a good beheading once a year they feel they have nothing to live for, etc.
Anyway, all the young ladies of the nunnery surround the door as Mary leaves the convent wearing a rich red cloak and a jeweled headpiece. This show has the potential to spawn some killer prom fashions, I am betting. Mary tells the Mother Superior she's not ready to leave, or to get married (since she's fifteen!). Mother Superior assures her she's nearly grown, as is Francis, and it's time for her to go to the court. She impresses on Mary how important the marriage is for the Catholic Church, and for the people of Scotland. Oh, and Francis will also love her, she says.
A little girl named Rose gives Mary a rosary and says the French court is haunted by the ghosts of tortured souls. Mary assures Rose she never saw any ghosts when she lived at the court as a child. "But what if they saw you?" the spooky little brat whispers. Mary gets in her coach and she and like eight or ten men ride off. That doesn't seem like enough men considering how many people want this girl dead.
In the French royal court Francis runs through the halls and greets his half-brother Sebastian. "I was riding" is how Francis explains his lateness. "Really? Who?" Sebastian says with a smirk. Francis asks what kind of mood their father, King Henry II, is in. Sebastian tells him everything is tense, since Francis's mom (that would be the queen, Catherine de Medici) is there and they're planning Francis's sister's wedding. Sebastian's mom (some unnamed mistress, since I think Sebastian is a fictional character) is absent.
Francis heads into the chamber where Mama Catherine is telling Papa Henry how important it is to protect Mary by keeping her far, far away from the far more important wedding of Princess Elizabeth, who's marrying Philip II, the king of Spain. (Although there's some fudging going on here, as that wedding actually happened two years later—and in Spain). Henry thinks having Mary around shows off their alliance with Scotland to all the crowned heads of Europe who'll be guests at the wedding.
Francis asks what his parents wanted with him, as a young lady eyes him lasciviously. Francis snarks that they're ignoring him, so maybe he should just come back when his father's chosen his wedding date as well as his bride. Dude, that happened when you were three, time to get over it? Henry smacks him down by saying Francis will get married whenever Henry damn well feels like it, and asks if his son isn't excited about being reunited with his childhood playmate-turned-wife. "She had skinny legs, a missing front tooth, and strong opinions," Francis whines.
Henry replies that he's sure Mary has all her teeth now, and as for her opinions, he can just ignore those, because ladies be talking, amirite, Catherine? The queen looks like she'd like to go tinker with some of those poisons she'll later be accused of using to murder a Protestant rival. Instead Catherine declares that Mary's ladies-in-waiting are on their way, and Henry says with a snarky tone that at least Francis's bride is bringing a crown and an army to the marriage, just in case he needs one. (He will totally need one).
After Henry leaves, Catherine tells her son it's her family's money keeping France solvent, so she can afford to let her husband pretend he's in charge. "I'm on your side, always," Catherine says in her spookiest Mommie Dearest way.
And now we meet again the bearded guy who was dreaming of blood. He hands Catherine a dish of something foul-smelling, but comments, "Where she'll put it, he won't smell it. Unless he's a very good husband." This is apparently a medieval fertility aid for Elizabeth to help her spawn sons for the throne of Spain. Catherine asks Nostradamus (!) what his visions say about Francis. His visions are unclear. Catherine elaborates: Will Francis love Mary? Will she love him? How can Catherine control a daughter-in-law who's also a queen? Nostradamus asks if it's the power or Mary's youth and beauty that bother Catherine. She threatens to have his head chopped off for his impertinence.
The coach bearing the four ladies-in-waiting (so, the rest of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Monarchy) arrives at the palace. Trumpeters blow a fanfare and everyone starts running around like mad things. Francis descends a staircase and exchanges a smirk with Sebastian. The four girls get out of their coach and spot the one carrying Mary. Someone watches from a window in a sinister, First-Mrs.-Rochester kind of way.
The ladies-in-waiting curtsy to Mary, then hug her. She greets them as Kenna, Greer, Lola, and Aylee (which is a relief, since in real life all four of them were also named Mary). Greer immediately begins fussing over Mary's hair, so I guess she's been briefed on her duties. Henry comes out to greet the girls, accompanied by his mistress Diane de Poitiers. (Who, in this production, will not be played as twenty years older than Henry, as their affair started when Henry was sixteen and Diane was thirty-five). Diane smirks at Henry while the ladies-in-waiting perv on all the available husbands at court. Lola has a BF back home in Aberdeen, but the other girls are uncertain if they'll ever see Scottish soil again if Mary becomes queen of France. Their job, Greer points out, is to help her cement the alliances that will get her on the throne.
Sebastian strides forward, all stubbly and dashing, and the girls wonder if he's Francis. Mary says he isn't, so when he greets Diane, they surmise that he's her son (yep, Sebastian is fictional, as Real Life Diane had two daughters, but no children with Henry). Catherine nobly stalks down the manicured path and takes her place -- in front of both Diane and Henry. And then Francis finally joins this big happy family tableaux. He bows to Mary and they agree to be on a Christian-name basis and to use the informal tu. She rambles nervously about how much bigger everything seems, including Francis himself. He escorts her to meet his parents.
Catherine asks Nostradamus what he's seen. He tells her Francis's union with Mary will end his life. Catherine's all, "HELL NAW".
The stern lady who's in charge of the ladies-in-waiting instructs Mary's girls what they're here for: that they are her councilors, her dressers, her flash cards to remind her of visiting dignitaries' names, and her interpreters. Sternie asks who's fluent in Italian, which will probably come in helpful with all those Medici relatives, you know? She says that Aylee is (So we're forgetting that Mary herself speaks pretty good Italian. The language she didn't speak, historically? English. She was fluent in French, Italian, Latin, Spanish, Greek, and Scots). So Sternie seats Aylee to the pope's toothless cousin at the wedding. The others crack up.
The girls pretty themselves up with all sorts of colored powders and pastes (it's probably all made of lead) and get their party dresses on. Lola wishes Aberdeen Colin could see her. Aylee wants to explore the castle, so the girls all abandon Mary. Isn't their first job not doing that? As Mary climbs the stairs, she flashes back to herself and Francis as children, giggling together. She climbs up to the children's nursery…which should still be full of children, since Francis has a whole pack of younger siblings.
Mary finds Francis, surprising him. He says no one comes up here anymore. He's turned Mary's old rooms into a workshop to make knives and swords, and she's charmed by his little hobby that in this age doesn't at all prove he wants to be a serial killer. Francis passionately explains that he thinks every man should have a real, useful skill, one that can't be taken away. He says he admires how Sebastian can travel and learn. "They don't worry about him dying so much that they don't let him live," he says.
Mary volunteers her skills: she can milk a goat and cut peat for the fire. Francis is impressed, telling her, "I suppose if there was ever an uprising that sent my line into hiding, I could always get by as a blacksmith." Uh, maybe you should teach Mary some of those transferable skills, just in case.
Francis excuses himself to his private quarters, where the girl who was ogling him earlier is waiting. He greets her as Natalia and asks if anyone saw her. She says no one did, no one ever sees her, and then she slips her dress off her shoulder as she says nothing has to change now that Mary's here. I'd believe that a bit more if Francis didn't look like a blond larva.
Mary, with her giant pet wolfhound, sits by the water and plays with rocks. Her dog pops up and starts barking at something in the woods. His name is Stirling. I hope Stirling is around always. Stirling for king of France!
Mary knocks on Francis's door. She's brought him some rocks to decorate the swords he makes, and he chastises her for not following protocol and letting the pages announce her properly. She's upset and asks if he's with someone. He snaps that kings do not answer to their wives and slams the door. Aww. The widdle Fwancis had a tantrum.
Mary flings her lovingly collected rocks into a bonfire. Fire! It's foreshadowing! Stirling, still barking, runs toward the forest, riling up all the birds. Mary runs after him and Sebastian, on his horse, intercepts her before she makes it into the woods. Man, her ladies are really falling down on the job. Sebastian tells her that young ladies -- especially young lady queens -- do not leave the castle alone. There is something ever-so-slightly Young Alan Ruck–y about Sebastian.
Mary—who let's not forget just watched her friend Sister Helen choke and bleed and die because of food meant for her—dumbly asks why she can't just run around wherever she likes. "Because you're a chess piece in a thousand-year game being played by the religious fanatics who control this continent," Sebastian doesn't tell her. He assures her Stirling will find his way back to the nice warm castle. He asks what she's upset about and she tells him to go talk to Francis, who's a moody, arrogant ass. Sebastian smirkily reminds her that he and Francis are half brothers, but that he, Sebastian, got all the good qualities, and promises to find Stirling. Mary, this one seems way less sickly.
Lola's in the bath when Colin shows up to surprise her; they make out and then Lola says they need permission to have a relationship. So they go ask Catherine, who starts out all pleasant and charmed by the romance of Colin borrowing money to come to France for Lola. She inquires about his family -- Colin's father served the late king of Scotland. Catherine seized on the fact that Colin's people were servants, and congratulates him for rising so high. The queen sends Lola off help Mary dress for the wedding. The delighted little idiot curtsies and scampers off. Catherine's ladies clear the room as well, and Colin's eyebrows are very concerned.
Aylee's asking Mary about her conversation with Sebastian, whose nickname is Bash. She doesn't think it's coincidental that he found her by the forest, and tells Mary about Bash's terrible reputation with ladies. Mary says it must run in the family. Aylee goes off to find the servants to prepare Mary's bath.
Mary takes off her earrings, and then finds the stones she'd collected earlier -- the ones she threw in the fire -- back in a small decorative bowl. She wanders around the chamber, looking for anyone, and after she puts her hand on a screen, another hand appears on the other side. "Taste of love and sorrow, but don't drink the wine. Don't," a voice rasps. So Mary's met Rose's ghosts. She pushes behind the screen, where there's a lit candle, which is what cast the shadow of the woman's hand, and then she pushes open a door to what looks like an awesome secret passageway.
Wedding time! Lola looks for Colin, and finds him bringing Mary a goblet of wine. He offers a toast, and Mary hears in her head an echo of the ghost's rasp: "Don't drink the wine." She doesn't, and Colin skulks off. Oh, Catherine is so going to kill him. Lola is watching all this, Greer to her, both of them disturbed.
Mary grabs the girls, tells them to take off their shoes, and they go dance in their lusty Scottish way. Francis still has a bit of his "Ew, girls" phase on his face. Henry watches, Diane smirking smugly to him, and Catherine dryly observes, "We're overrun by Scots." Mary twirls, her girls dancing around her, while Bash watches, smoldering. And then it starts raining feathers? Sure. Mary remembers when she and Francis destroyed a pillow as children, apparently. Man, Elizabeth and Philip's wedding sure doesn't involve much Elizabeth and Philip.
Ah, there they are. They're escorted out, because it's time for the consummation. Kenna grabs Mary's arm and asks if she isn't curious about "the ritual, the ceremony, the mystery." The girls run off while Francis and Sebastian watch.
The five girls hide themselves in a room off the royal bedroom so they can be very well born Peeping Toms. Aylee is scandalized, but Kenna asks Mary if she doesn't want to know what she's in for someday. From behind a screen, they watch as a priest chants and Elizabeth's ladies undress her and put her nightgown on her. Along with the priest, there are half a dozen other old dudes there to witness the deflowering. Philip comes in, happy and Spanish as you please (and not twenty years older than poor Lizzie and on his third marriage, as he was in reality), and tells her the two of them are the only ones who matter. He kisses her and moves her toward the bed. Kenna's a bit turned on. Moaning ensues.
Aylee wants to go. The other four reluctantly follow her. Kenna, on a mission, moves purposefully through the castle, drawing the appreciative eyes of all the young dudes. She stops and a man embraces her from behind. Elsewhere, Lola is looking fruitlessly for Colin. Kenna's dude is the king. They kiss. He actually asks, "May I," which I don't believe for a minute. Droit du seigneur and all that.
Mary finds Francis, still in the ballroom where the wedding was held. Natalia's also there. He apologizes for his behavior earlier—well, kind of. He says there were "other ways of handling this." Mary's horrified and angry and doesn't particularly want to be handled, and asks if he doesn't think they should give their impending marriage a chance, since tons of people's lives are hanging in the balance. He says it's not about her, he's doing it for France. He's trying to ruin the alliance with Scotland. Oh, that's so noble of him.
Francis pushes on, saying he thinks France can find better allies than Scotland because they're currently at war with Italy, so Henry's marriage to Catherine doesn't seem to have been terribly useful there. Mary mumbles some stuff about love, but Francis quite smartly reminds her that love isn't actually part of this thing they have going on. He asks her to wait and see how the war goes. She reminds him that unlike him, she's already on the throne, and she has Scotland to think of.
Mary's in bed. Colin creeps in and starts unbuckling his pants. Mary wakes and screams, Colin slaps a hand over her mouth and begs her to be quiet. Mary's guards rush in and drag him away as he shouts, "Please, Your Grace, I couldn't!"
The girls conclave in the morning and asks how Colin got to Mary. Greer frets that this incident will let anyone who knows about it question Mary's virtue, and if there's any suspicion she's not a virgin, she'll never be queen. "And our chances at court will be over," she says, selfishly. Lola defends Colin. Mary comes in and asks what happened. Lola bribed a guard so she could talk to him. She says he was forced to commit the assault, but he won't say who forced him. Powerful people in the castle were behind the plot, he said. Aylee asks if Mary believes her, and Mary muses that Colin looked surprised Mary would wake up and fight back…because he expected her to be drugged from the wine. She tells the girls she was warned not to drink the wine, and Lola pleads with Mary to help Colin.
Mary asks the king and queen for permission to talk to Colin. Catherine wants to know why, and then when Mary bumbles around to saying she might have sent the wrong message with her excitement at the wedding, Catherine cautions her about letting gossips have anything to talk about. The king says Mary may have behaved foolishly, but she's not responsible for what Colin did. Ah, sixteenth-century slut shaming!
Mary insists that Colin is her subject, as we see guards marching to his cell. Henry replies that there were witnesses who implicated Colin in an English plot to destroy Mary's engagement to Francis, and Catherine expositions that if Colin had raped her, she'd be unfit to marry a royal. "This was not passion. It was treason," she says, relishing every word. Guards drag Colin out of his cell and chop his head off. (More foreshadowing!) Henry tells Mary as much.
Mary tells Lola, who's sadder than that time SWINTON killed Aslan in front of her. Lola shrieks that Mary's the reason Colin's dead, and says everyone around her is disposable, in danger. Mary insists that the girls are her friends and she needs them, but Lola cries that the other three are her friends, but they're Mary's subjects. Mary swears to protect them.
Stirling! Bash has found Stirling and brought him home. Mary cries and hugs the dog, and Bash tells her she's not alone. And he's not talking about the girls. But then he sees his mother watching and get formal in a hurry. He wishes her well. She thanks him. Diane plots. After Mary leaves, Diane asks Sebastian where he found the dog. "It was drawn to the blood," he says. She tells him to be careful who he lusts after, especially when she's a queen betrothed to someone else. It might cost him his head.
Mary's looking out over the water in the morning. Francis asks her what was up with her defending Colin, and thinks she was trying to get back at him for his dalliance. Mary can't believe he'd be such a petty little shit, and tells him to fuck right off. He cautions her about her behavior, and she asks why it matters since he doesn't plan to marry her. She threatens to tell everyone and end their sham engagement.
Francis insists that he might still marry her, because he's such a noble little larva, and she's not thrilled with that. He asks if she was thinking of Scotland during the Colin Incident, and she says she was trying to keep herself and her friends safe. He shames her some more for the crime of having someone break into her room and try to assault her, and tells her she could have ruined their plan. Mary seizes on the word "we" and asks what their mutual interest might be. She asks if he'd want her if they were normal, non-royal people. He leans in and then chickens out and flees.
Catherine watches from an upstairs window. She stalks across the castle to Nostradamus and demands to know why his potion didn't work and Mary didn't wake up deflowered. He points out that she didn't drink the potion, and that the delivery method failed. She asks if his visions have changed. He still sees the dogwood trees and blood. He says Mary will bring about Francis's death, so Catherine can't stop trying to destroy Mary.
Mary's still staring at the water at night. I hope her ladies at least brought her some food. She talks to the ghost, saying she doesn't know why the ghost helped her, but that she's grateful. She asks if the ghost is also in danger.
time: Let's invade Italy! More dancing, and scheming, and riding, and wearing period-inappropriate dresses.