In The Bench parking lot, Sam and JBL caucus about Sam's upcoming date with Andi. JBL offers his Caddy to give the date an air of "old-school elegance." Perhaps flashing back to License To Drive, Sam tries to pass, but JBL will not be refused. Sam demurs, and, conveniently, JBL has left the gas tank empty. Nicely played, Sonic the Hedgehog.
Later, Sam and Andi are parked on Makeout Hill. And I swear, if she stands on the hood in stilettos and drunk-dances to "Strangers in the Night," I will turn off this DVR right now... So, Andi keeps interrupting their making out with questions about Sam's various reaps. He'd rather slide into second base, but the reap-splanations seem to be some kind of foreplay for her.
No matter, though, because they're soon interrupted by suspicious sounds. They look back, then front, finally spying some sort of Jason Voorhees-meets-Crash Test Dummy standing in the headlights and holding a chainsaw. Sam doesn't yet have a vessel, and, while he fumbles to start the car, the chainsaw-wielding maniac goes to town on the hood. , he stalks around the car, lops off the rearview mirror, and even gets as far as to thrust the chainsaw at Sam through the passenger seat window. Our feckless hero finally gets the car started and peels out of the parking lot, leaving Chainsaw McGillicuddy all by his lonesome on Makeout Hill.
The morning, JBL surveys the damage. Sam apologizes and says he should have taken his own car, but JBL sees the silver lining -- Sam would most certainly be dead in the puny Prius. He lets out a brazen "Go America," and kicks the Cadillac to show how "solid" it is. Of course, some sort of fixture falls off, effecting grimaces all around. That'll be one more for the scrap heap!
Walking into The Bench, JBL and Ben interrogate Sam about Chainsaw McG. Ben's ball-and-chain green card wife drives up. She reminds him to make the bed before leaving home. He rationalizes that he shouldn't have to since he sleeps not in the bed, but in a yoga mat in the kitchen. This, in turn, reminds her to tell him to clean that little nuisance up, too. Whupaw!
Andi asks Sam if he's sure WiseGuy didn't mention anything about a new demon, but Sam says he hasn't talked to WiseGuy recently. JBL declares that someone must pay for the heinous desecration of the Caddy. Cut to him slapping an invoice on Gladys's desk. Gladys isn't exactly pulling out her wallet, but she does produce a clipboard that features some of "Hell's Most Wanted" -- one of whom is Abraham Lincoln? No luck, though, Chainsaw McG isn't there. Gladys proposes he might be human and shoos them away.
Back at The Bench, Sam and JBL see Andi's with her ex-boyfriend, Greg Krasinski. Before Sam can investigate, Ben runs up with the gory details about Chainsaw McG. He's killed 30 people -- and he's a fictional character in a movie franchise. Sam thinks maybe Gladys was right. As he walks off, he looks back at Greg, who gives him a smarmy smile.
Andi catches up to Sam, and tells him that Greg showed up unannounced. Apparently he has some sort of family crisis and invited Andi out for coffee. She gives Sam a total out, saying she'd understand if he didn't want her to go, but Sam's stupid, so he says it's not a problem. Andi comes in for a kiss, but Sam sneezes practically in her face. Just one of the precious moments of monogamy, my friends. He asks if Andi's wearing perfume, but she suspects it's Greg's cologne since he "drowns himself in it." Something tells me this information will be useful later... They plan to reconnect later.
At the hospital, Ben's on a cafeteria date with the saucy nurse from last week. She asks him why they don't go anywhere public. She suspects he's hiding something...and suggests it might have something to do with the wedding ring he's wearing. D'oh! Ben fills her in on his green card marriage. She's dubious but willing to play along as his "mistress."
Later that night at the apartment, Sam tries to play it cool while leaving Andi a voicemail. He's ready for romance, but she's still out with Greg. He goes to the fridge to get something, but when he peers in, he sees the front of a house. He's suddenly transported outside. WiseGuy strolls up with a tune in his heart, a whistle on his lips, and one heck of a Bowie knife in his hand. He gives the knife to Sam as a present because he "might need it some time." Sam is reasonably freaked out, but his fears must wait because WiseGuy's already waltzing into the unlocked house.
WiseGuy starts ranting about trust, honesty, and integrity -- words he hates because people use them too casually. Sam doesn't understand, so WiseGuy leads him into another room and says, "I show you this because I care." Sam sees Andi and Greg making out on a couch. Suddenly, they realize they're not alone and that, indeed, Sam is there...with a big honkin' knife. Andi tells Sam to put down the knife, so he heaves it into the floor and walks off. Andi runs after him and says she doesn't even know how she got there, like she's suffering temporary insanity. It wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen in Sam's world... They walk off together as Greg peers down at them Norma Bates-style from above.
The morning, The Stooges walk into The Bench break room. Sam tells JBL and Ben that WiseGuy must be involved. The Stooges, however, suspect that Sam did something to drive Andi into Greg's arms. They ask him what he did, but he insists he's a good boyfriend. They suggest he be more of a bad boy, but Sam points out that Greg isn't exactly a bad boy himself.
More on that later, though because Tedager walks in with some exciting news. And it's not, as JBL suggests, that Tedager is finally moving out of his parents' house. The announcement will, in fact, come from Ben's green card ball-and-chain, a.k.a. Dawn from The Office UK. She reminds them that she and Ben are married, then announces that she's pregnant! And guess what! It's news to Ben, too!
Out of the meeting, Ben points out to the important fact that he and Dawn never had sex, so this baby can't be his. She catches him up -- she has a boyfriend, and it's his baby. Ben asks why Dawn didn't just marry her real boyfriend. She counters that he has commitment issues...and, oh yeah, a wife -- not to mention a thriving career with the Cirque du Soleil! Ben's actually happy because if she can have an extramarital relationship, so can he. He tells Dawn about Cassidy, but she cuts him off. She thinks Ben's mistress will give them up to the immigration authorities, whereas her mister is far more discreet. As Ben walks off, she tugs at his heartstrings, saying Ben has her and her baby's life in his hands.
Elsewhere, Greg walks in and approaches Andi. She tries to brush him off, but he gives her a meaningful and invites her for coffee. As if under a spell, her demeanor changes. They get ready to leave with him and agree they connected the night before, but Greg gets some serious bitch-face when he spots The Stooges in the distance.
They seem to completely bypass the Greg-Andi action, though, as we see them driving into their apartment garage. They sit and banter long enough to give Chainsaw McG the chance to perch atop the Caddy's roof and fire up his saw. As JBL drives wildly around the garage, Chainsaw cuts perilously close to them. He's finally knocked off of the roof by a low-hanging ramp. The Stooges screech off, leaving Chainsaw lying there. He pops up soon thereafter. And it is on.
Over at the bar, The Stooges recap the day's events over brewskies. They spot a table and leave Sam to carry the oversized glasses over. He carries them awkwardly, nearly bumping into a guy along the way, which makes him drop one. But it falls onto some gravel many stories below, and Sam discovers himself teetering on the brink of a roof. And, you guessed it! WiseGuy's there. He takes a beer and clinks Sam's glass. But Sam has no time to cheers; he wants a vessel to fight Chainsaw McG.
WiseGuy changes the subject, telling Sam to look through a telescope. Sam obliges, and sees Andi and Greg cuddling on a park bench below. A gun cocks, and the telescope transforms into a sniper rifle. WiseGuy, always ready with the bright ideas, suggests Sam kill Greg. He's even lined up the shot. Sam, for his part, realizes quickly that this is a set-up. WiseGuy fesses up but reveals that he hasn't influenced Andi. Instead, he bought Greg's soul so Greg could mind-warp Andi into loving him. Sam tries to tell WiseGuy to undo it, but WiseGuy's says it's a done deal and that Sam's only option is to kill Greg. Sam's refuses, and WiseGuy mocks him for being the one person left in the world to follow rules. Sam watches helplessly as Greg and Andi walk arm-in-arm below.
Back at The Bench, Sam finds Greg and Andi and tries to take Andi aside for a chat. At Greg's nudging, Andi starts into a break-up speech. Sam squeals on Greg's deal with WiseGuy, but she's powerless, so she still breaks up with him.
Sam stomps into the break room and wails on his locker, all the while JBL cheers him on. Sam tells JBL about Greg's soul selling, and JBL's pretty impressed with Greg's chutzpah. Sam tells JBL to clock out so they can get a vessel from Gladys. JBL's ears perk up at the mention of "Gladbags," and they're off.
At the DMV, Gladys still contends she has no record of Chainsaw McG. Sam comes unhinged, threatening to bust in with his own chainsaw if she doesn't give him a vessel. Gladys shuts the door on bullying but opens the window to bribery. Just so happens she needs someone to watch over her Persian cat, Fancy, during an upcoming vacation. JBL and Sam are in, and Gladys says she knows a guy who can get them a vessel.
As the three of them approach a mini-storage complex, Gladys warns them that her friend, Dennis, is a bit squirrelly from time spent in the Ninth Circle, so she should do the talking. Inside, Dennis is a libertarian, drab-jacket-wearing hippie. The kind who might be friends with, say, Ted Nugent. Gladys apprises him of the situation, and he's hesitant to get involved because of Sam's dealings with WiseGuy, but Gladys convinces him with Sam's sad sack story.
Dennis leads them to a storage unit and looks around for the perfect vessel. In the meanwhile, Gladys says Dennis is a whiz at finding loopholes in the system, so JBL asks if he could find a way to help Sam with his girlfriend situation. Dennis informs them that WiseGuy has no power over true love. Just then, he finds them a vessel -- a foam rocket launcher. He tests it out on a speedboat nearby...and it's good.
Over at the hospital, Ben and Cassidy have another cafeteria picnic. She admits she's getting into this affair thing -- all the secrecy, none of the guilt. Ben drops the bombshell about Dawn's pregnancy. He assures her it's not his baby but tells Cassidy he can't see her anymore because of his commitment to Dawn.
In The Bench parking lot, JBL tries to gloss over the damages to the Cadillac, but Sam would rather focus on his plan to win back Andi. Sam thinks that he can undo some of Greg's control over Andi if he keeps reminding her of that she loves Sam. JBL wonder whether Andi actually loves Sam, and Sam has to admit she's never actually said it. Sam walks off, flustered, while JBL launches into a 10 Things I Hate About You-style oration, all, "There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack!" (Okay, he didn't say that exactly, but there were shoes mentioned...)
Inside, Sam finds Andi in the stock room. After some babbling, he comes straight out with it and asks if she loves him. She gives a coy smile and says yes. He's overjoyed and tells her she needs to avoid Greg at all costs. She points out that this might be difficult since Greg knows where she works and lives, but Sam suggests they run off...to Buffalo! Even as he's dreaming up their trips to Niagara Falls, though, Greg calls Andi on her mobile. Already under his spell, Andi spills all the beans about Sam's fanciful escape to Buffalo. Greg gets angry on the other end, but Andi is dumbfounded when she sees Chainsaw McG behind Sam.
As Chainsaw McG revs up, Sam aims the vessel -- badly -- at him and misfires. Chainsaw McG is not pleased and takes off after Andi. Sam pushes him into a shelf, delaying Chainsaw McG long enough for them to hide. Andi freaks out, asking Sam what to do, but Sam is too busy sneezing from the smell of cologne. (Hint, hint.) They take off running, and Sam pushes Andi into an air vent, then heads in another direction, tripping along the way. He looks up and sees, surprise!, WiseGuy, who offers his hand and says, "Come with me if you want to live," smacking with irony.
Sam, now aware that Chainsaw McG is actually Greg, is transported to the bar. WiseGuy is pleased that Sam has finally come around, so he buys a round for everyone. He tells Sam that Chainsaw McG is the embodiment of Greg's Id, and that Greg might not even be aware of this fact. He tells Sam that, basically, he's in an unwinnable situation that could eventually lead to Andi in a million little pieces...unless Sam kills Greg. He calls it a "no-brainer" but stops just short of getting the whole bar to chant, "Do it! Do it!"
Later that night, The Stooges stake out Greg's house. They decide to get it over with, and head to the trunk where JBL pulls out a shotgun. Once at the porch, Sam tries twice to load the gun, but he hasn't a clue how to do it. The kid can't even blow bubbles for Satan's sake. Are we surprised? All this ado makes Sam realize that he's not a killer and that WiseGuy is again manipulating him. They drop the whole box of ammo, making enough noise to bring Greg to the front door. He invites Sam in for a man-to-man discussion.
Inside, Greg eschews hospitality and tells Sam to walk away. He says he's got The Devil on his side, but Sam points out that WiseGuy is on no one's side. Furthermore, he informs Greg that he only made sure Andi would love him but forgot to make Andi stop loving Sam. Greg sees this huge loophole and sees that he sold his soul for nothing. He smacks himself in the head and starts recounting all the boneheaded things he's done in life. As he gets angrier, his body shakes, then starts levitating. Finally, Chainsaw McG jumps out.
As Chainsaw McG stalks toward them, Sam slips behind him and knocks him out. They pick up Greg and drag him to another room. Sam reveals to a disbelieving Greg that Chainsaw McG is his doppelganger. Chainsaw McG plows through the door and the dresser they've wedged in front as Sam tells Greg the only way to stop the spree is to calm down. Greg is so worked up, though, that it finally takes JBL knocking him out with a trophy he won...for attendance. How is everyone in this show so pathetic? The roar of the chainsaw stops.
At the hospital, Greg wakes up with a bandage around his head and Sam by his side. Greg's no longer angry -- mainly because he's doped up on morphine. Andi barges in, worried about Greg, then she sees Sam and gets the look of love in her eyes. Greg asks her to leave him alone with Sam. She exits, and he says he can feel the anger rising again, and that it's only a matter of time before the cycle begins again. It's hopeless. Sam says, "Maybe you're not as stupid as you think you are," and methinks he has an idea.
At The Bench, Dawn sees Ben and Cassidy holding hands in the food court. Ben has decided that, if she can date, so can he. Period. Dawn, backed into a corner, tells him to be discreet. Of course Tedager walks up at this moment, if for no other reason than to jack up the awkward. Tedager is indignant that Ben would treat his baby mama like this, but quick-thinking Dawn pacifies him by sidling up to Cassidy and saying that she and Ben have an "understanding" as she strokes Cassidy's hand. Before he excuses himself for, say, 20 minutes or so, Tedager bumbling tries to invite himself to the ménage.
Sam drinks alone at the bar. But not for long, as WiseGuy pops up, offering him a shot. He reminds Sam of the messy and inevitably murderous situation he's created and says, "You know what you have to do." In turn, Sam produces his "Get out of jail free card," and says he's using it on Greg's behalf. WiseGuy asks if he's sure, but Sam points out that, since there's always a catch with these deals, WiseGuy would find another way to ensnare Sam if he used it for himself. WiseGuy notes that Sam is getting smarter each day. A moment later, the card has gone up in flames, signifying Greg's freedom. WiseGuy nastily congratulates Sam on giving up eternity for a "workplace crush." Sam tells him not to worry and starts to walk off, saying there's plenty of time. WiseGuy says ominously, "Maybe. Maybe not."
Back at Makeout Hill, Andi and Sam recline side by side. Andi feels bad that Greg was desperate enough to sell his soul for her, but she doesn't feel that bad since he was obviously crazy. But enough of that ugliness... She points out a shooting star, and they gaze dreamily into the sky from inside the Cadillac...which is now a convertible.
week: WiseGuy drops in on Gladys, and some sort of Tremors-like creature swallows a woman whole as Sam and Andi look on. Dear sweet Jesus, say it ain't so! Not Gladbags!