"Hey Joe" plays as we pan in on Seattle, though the city is obscured occasionally by what appear to be black wings flapping across the screen. In a land of flying demons, what could that be? A note on "Hey Joe": Among the many ways in which that song is excellent, it's not song for humping. And yet, when Sam ejects the mix CD (do people still even make those?) on which "Hey Joe" is burned, it's on a CD entitled "Sock's Tunes 4 Humping." Let me tell you, nothing gets me aroused quite like infidelity and homicide.
So Sam replaces JBL's humptastic CD with some emo song and calls Andi to confirm their dinner plans and assure her his cooking won't kill her. He heads to the kitchen where there's quite a spread -- we're talking a whole chicken and a mélange of fresh produce. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the chance to work his culinary magic because a black-clawed creature grabs his head and tosses him across the apartment like a rag doll. The creature stalks toward and has him held up by his neck in no time flat. "Why?" asks the demon. Sam insists he didn't betray the creature.
Minutes later, the demon -- still in full-on scary mode -- is helping Sam prepare dinner. As you might suspect, demons are really good at de-boning chickens. We realize the demon is Tony as he tells Sam he's leaving the city for the country cottage that he and Steve owned together. He brood momentarily over losing Steve, but picks back up when he mentions that the cottage will be perfect for waging war on WiseGuy.
Andi walks up and catches the tail end of Sam and Tony's anti-diabolical conversation. (Don't you just hate when that happens?) She heads inside, but Tony has vanished. Andi asks whom Sam was talking to, and he claims he was reading the cookbook with personalized voices for each ingredient. As Andi enjoys the food aroma, Sam embraces her tightly so she won't turn around and see Tony's giant demon tail hanging behind her.
The morning, Andi and Sam set up a lunch date as they walk into The Bench. Sam finds Ben laughing at JBL, who is now back with Josie and looking pretty whipped. Ben congratulates them for having strong, intelligent women in their lives and kvetches about his lack thereof. JBL offers his yenta services, so Ben pulls out a list of his future girlfriend's must-have traits. For the record, she must be funny, smart, and independently wealthy; have piercing green eyes, delicate wrists, and masseuse training. So far it sounds semi-reasonable (forgetting that Ben and all his friends are total losers...). But then, he tops off the list off that she should be a fan of mixed martial arts and Sue Grafton (shout out to The Office!). JBL and Ben tell Ben, that, yes, everyone would like such a fine specimen of woman, but that his expectations may be a little off kilter.
Later, Sam stocks paint, but he's distracted when Andi breezes herself seductively with a fan. Taking advantage of this distraction, WiseGuy punts a soccer ball in Sam's face. Sam doubles over in pain, finding himself transported to a local park. There, WiseGuy points out three kids who are all children of a guy named Jack King, saying there are hundreds of others like them. WiseGuy explains King is a classic narcissist and points to a nearby sperm bank, where King (Javier from Felicity, holla!) assures a woman that his "product" is top-notch. And he would know... He lets the client peruse the donor book but says -- as he gazes eerily at his own reflection -- that he has someone perfect in mind.
In The Bench stockroom, JBL and Sam chat. Sam finds this week's vessel. All the while, Andi walks up to the door, stopping short when she sees the vessel transform from a harmless metal rod to a scythe in Sam's hands. JBL is, naturally, very excited for a chance to brandish a scythe à la The Highlander. (Never you mind that The Highlander didn't actually have a scythe...) Sam and JBL close up the scythe, and Andi takes the lull in scythe wielding to pick up Sam for their lunch date. Sam, now preoccupied by reap-sponsibilities, says he already ate. JBL lies that he challenged Sam to a paella-eating contest. Before a flummoxed Andi has a chance to respond, Sam says he'll make it up her and scoots.
Back at the sperm bank, JBL and Sam walk toward King's office. JBL worriedly conjectures what powers a "semen demon" might possess. Outside, Andi pulls up -- obviously unconvinced by the paella story. Inside, JBL and Sam begin the donor paperwork, with a warning from the receptionist that this bank has an extremely rigorous selection process. They have a waiting room pissing contest over their fake donor accomplishments but are interrupted when Sam sees King.
Moments later, King hears a knocking on his door. Sam pushes it open with the scythe, and King nervously tries to talk them out of sending him back to Hell. He says he was trying to make the world a better place and even despairs that he has children to think of -- hundreds of them! He backs up to the window, and Andi (still outside on her stakeout) gets a front-row view of his beheading by scythe. She peels out in horror.
Back inside, the now-headless body of King gets up and waves a golf club around while the head directs him. The prop comedy is broken up when Sam impales King with the scythe. King's still-talking head remains, and he uses his last moments on earth to ask, "How do I look?" Sam and JBL discuss what they'll have for lunch as they leave, not realizing that King's hand is skittering behind them.
Back at The Bench, a coworker (Dawn from The Office UK!) approaches as Ben surveys his list. He tries to deflect her attention, but she grabs the list, reads it, and thinks it's lovely. She encourages him that he should hold fast to his dreams, then quips that she's almost none of the things on the list. Ben stares at her dreamily, and I suspect we'll be seeing more of her.
In the break room, a flower-bearing Sam sneaks up on Andi as she frets over some papers. He whispers into her ear, which she responds to with a wallop to the eye and a choke of the neck. She tells him she saw him behead King. He tries to weasel out of explaining the mess and finally admits that he simply can't tell her the truth. She threatens to call the police, but he stalls and begs for another day to sort this mess out. She gives him 24 hours.
Sam drops off the vessel at the DMV, with a note attached, and Gladys is none too happy about it. Sam explains that he needs to talk to WiseGuy, and all he could think to do was leave a note. Gladys, non-plussed as ever, lets it pass with a resigned "Whatever." Oh, Gladys, our time with you is never long enough!
Sam exits the DMV door yet ends up in a porn store. WiseGuy is there -- talk about instant gratification. He informs Sam part of the soul was missing, grabbing Sam's limp wrist to demonstrate. A clerk tells WiseGuy to "get [his] jollies off" somewhere else, so WiseGuy walks over and incapacitates the guy with a single touch of his finger. Sam freaks out that the clerk might be dead, but the usually chatty WiseGuy is all business, reminding Sam that King is still out there. And why are we in this porn shop, you might wonder? Because there is CCTV footage of King stocking up there a few hours earlier. And here I thought WiseGuy was just there for the articles... WiseGuy warns Sam that King can multiply like a starfish and bids Sam to finish off this "hand" job (har har).
Before he can do that, though, Sam asks WiseGuy's permission to tell Andi his secret. WiseGuy accuses Sam of sloppiness. Now that Sam is backed into a corner, WiseGuy thinks they can work something out. In his desperation, Sam agrees he'll do anything. It's the stupidest promise ever, but at least it's true to form. Having manipulated Sam some future horrible deed, WiseGuy smiles evilly.
Later, JBL and Ben inform Sam that taking a second mortgage on his life was a dumb-ass move. Unexpectedly, Dawn emerges from Ben's room and asks to borrow some conditioner. JBL's ears perk up, and he asks if Ben hooked up. Ben says no, he didn't hook up...exactly. He actually married Dawn (whose actual name is Sarah) so she could get her green card. JBL congratulates him, but Sam keeps mum -- he's got his own problems to deal with, after all.
And speaking of... That night at the bar, Sam offers Andi a shot to ease her news given what he's about to tell her. She refuses, so Sam takes it himself. JBL is there, too, and basically tramples all over Sam's attempt at a delicate confession. He spits out Sam's extracurricular entanglements matter-of-factly, and Sam confirms. Now we see that Ben's there, too. Jesus, Sam...what a wimp. Andi walks off, stopping to tell Sam she is completely unconvinced. Sam gets mad at JBL and Ben for not helping more, but they were preoccupied by chili cheese fries and a wife, respectively. Sam leaves to reap King.
Sam creeps into King's office, scythe in hand, and discovers a back office filled with photos of King and his hundreds of babies, a calendar of upcoming birth dates, and a (thankfully) incomplete nude self-portrait. WiseGuy interrupts Sam's reconnaissance work to malign Sam for being distracted by Andi. He threatens to handle it himself. Elsewhere, Andi is about to make the call to the police...until someone grabs her. Her phone drops to the ground. Commercials.
Back at The Bench, Sam leaves a frantic message for Andi. JBL and Ben try to assure him that Andi's not in danger, saying they took care of it. They lead him outside to a parked car, where Andi is bound and gagged in the trunk. Sam asks what their plan is...but they haven't really thought that far ahead. So Sam, bearing that ultimate "We're sorry we abducted you" gift -- a juice box -- goes to the back seat to have a chat with Andi. She says she believes him about the Devil thing, but he knows she's lying. She relents and accepts the apple juice, but when Sam tries to give it to her, she attacks him. JBL and Ben chat outside the car, which prevents them from seeing Sam's struggle for a several moments. At last, they rescue Sam, but not before Andi threatens to kill them all. Sam decides that they need to scare Andi into believing them.
The Stooges drive up to Tony's cottage as a procession of demons leaves. Tony worries WiseGuy followed them, but Sam tells Tony they're not there for the rebellion, and instead have another problem... Cut to the three of them struggling to get Andi inside. Sam tells her Tony is a demon, and Tony warns them (JBL specifically, it seems) not to pee on the new carpet, before transforming into his demon form. Once he's fully demonized, a terrified Andi makes tracks for the woods. Tony assures The Stooges she has nowhere to run...that is, until they hear the car engine fire up and realize JBL, in his infinite wisdom, left the keys in the car.
Tony drives them back to town and regales them with stupid demon tricks. As they exit, Tony tells Sam to be patient and that love is worth any sacrifice. Hours later, morning breaks over The Bench, but The Stooges still haven't found Andi. Sam opens his locker to re-discover King's birthing calendar; in fact, there's a baby coming today. Sam decides WiseGuy will get off his back if he finishes this reap.
In the hospital, a woman is being wheeled into the delivery room as King 2 follows behind shouting Lamaze instructions -- to which the doctors and birth mother are all, "And you are?" He moves on to the viewing area where a grandmotherly type asks which baby is his. He pulls out his camera, laughs creepily, and points out several different babies, much to her consternation.
Outside, The Stooges assign reaping tasks. As Sam runs into the hospital, WiseGuy pops up and harasses him about Andi. WiseGuy says he's fixed the problem and that Andi is in a nearby trunk. He hands Sam the keys and warns him that it's his last chance. Sam opens the trunk to find a disoriented Andi. She tells Sam she believes him; Sam makes her promise never to tell anyone about this. He invites her over later to talk about everything, but she says she can't handle it. As she walks off, he shouts that he loves her. Her response? "I'm afraid of you." Ouch.
Inside, Ben asks a saucy nurse where the delivery room is. It's worth noting she has piercing green eyes, delicate wrists, and a Sue Grafton novel in her hand. He asks her how she feels about mixed martial arts...
Elsewhere in the hospital, Sam catches up with JBL, then they run into King 2. They corner him in an empty operating room. Sam pulls out the scythe, and King 2 counters with a bone cutter. It's not for defense, though. He chops off his own hand to regenerate it, then tosses it up into an airshaft. The hand skitters off. Sam sends JBL to follow the skittering. In doing so, JBL stumbles into a live birth, flailing a broom, and is all "Don't mind me!" Sheesh. Outside, Ben tries to get his game on with the RN, but JBL steps out and interjects to enlist his help.
Meanwhile, Sam is going mano a mano with King 2, who is tossing knives at him. Sam drops the scythe, and King grabs it and starts swinging it at Sam. And somehow amidst the fracas, Andi manages to walk in. Instinctively, she punches King 2 and grabs the scythe. King 2 comes at her with a knife, and she inadvertently reaps him in self-defense. She is without words and shaking like a leaf. Sam, because he is a useless tool, tells her to wait there and takes off with the scythe. Oh no he di'n't!
Ben and JBL locate the hand in another room and push up a ceiling tile so it will fall. Instead, down drops a fully formed King 3. Did I mention he's completely naked? So now he's in the buff and literally riding JBL bareback. Ben stands back, stunned into submission. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't gone completely blind and white-haired from the sight. At any rate, JBL stumbles into the hallway with King 3 still on his back. Finally, he falls down and King 3 springs free. Ben and JBL stay behind, having had enough naked reaping for...well...the rest of their lives.
Down the hall, King 3 takes pause from his jog to freedom to adore his reflection. Bad move. He suddenly dissolves into a puff of smoke and we see that Sam has snuck up behind and reaped him. I think that was the most complicated reap to date. Moments later, Sam returns to where he left Andi, but she's gone.
At the bar, Sam forlornly asks if The Stooges think Andi will show up, revealing to them that Andi said she was afraid of him. The conversation turns over to Ben's ball-and-chain, who has procured wedding rings. Ben takes that thoughtful gesture as a natural segue to tell her that he's found another chick and wants to end things. But Dawn won't give up that easily. Ben threatens to report her, but she fires back that she can finger him for extortion, so they'd both land in jail. With that, she leaves. Ha!
Andi arrives, and Sam takes her aside, all, "So...weird day?" She gets that he was trying to protect her, and she's duly impressed that he's actually alive after all the double life hijinx. She asks whether he told her loved her because he meant it or so she wouldn't go to the cops. With a dumb grin on his face, he says, "Both." She can't help but laugh, and they share a quick peck. JBL and Ben walk over and break up the PDA. Andi asks if Scooby duties pay, and JBL says that Sam has to buy them beer whenever they demand it...which would be now.
Smiling, Sam ambles over to the bar, but ends up outside of Tony's cabin, where WiseGuy greets him. WiseGuy brings up the favor Sam promised earlier and says Sam really should think before he acts. WiseGuy wants Sam to infiltrate Tony's revolutionary plot and act as a diabolical informant. Sam doesn't want to, of course, but he has no choice. WiseGuy warns that Andi will suffer the consequences of Sam's refusal. WiseGuy asks, "Well, Sam, what's your answer?" But before Sam can respond, Tony comes outside. He invites Sam inside to meet some people, saying he thinks Sam could be a real help in the revolution. And...scene.
week: Andi's ex, Greg Krasinski is back, and he still has feelings for her. Feelings that prompt him to wield a chainsaw. Forsooth!