The kids decide to make a float for some event called "Fantasy Fest." While shopping for costumes, Janelle starts to like John a little. John thinks Janelle is very "intriguing" her own damn self. John and Tyler take the lead on the float project. They build the float in the shape of a Mystic Tan booth, decorated with horrible Pier One flotsam and glitter. Svet calls the house for a ride from the airport. Meanwhile, Hurricane Wilma approaches. The kids go to a dirty gym; Janelle and John flirt. Jose picks up Svet. Martin's pops has died while she was back home. Wilma promises to ruin Fantasy Fest. (Promise?) The kids go out to eat fish at an ocean-side restaurant and they swim. John pulls off Janelle's bra in the water; she's not happy about it. Janelle yells at John that "no means no," even on a stupid reality show. They make up. Zach decides he wants to stay in Key West for the hurricane because of their "obligation to Mystic Tan."
Among many highlights from an interview with reality television mavens (David Goldberg, David Broome, R.J. Cutler, Chris Cowan, and our own Jonathan Murray -- here's a handy link to IMDb so you can look up what they've done) in a recent Hollywood Reporter, there were two gems.
Naturally, when asked about the Writers Guild lawsuit trying to unionize reality writers, or as they insist on calling them "producers" and "editors" (or in Cowan's case, those whose job it is to "communicate an idea"), everyone in the room hemmed and hawed and looked down at their loafers and stated the agreed-upon party line. And then they pointed to all the good things they were doing...other than paying television writers what television writers have fought very hard to get. Murray then grasped a little more. See, he explained, what B/M does isn't taking advantage of young writers who maybe have no other opportunity or can't yet break into scripted. No, here's what they call that instead: "Our company also takes kids out of college and teaches them the business." Teaching Kids The Business! Whee! What a noble man J.Mu is! Friend of twenty-three year olds locked in basement offices at the Sherman Oaks Galleria all night everywhere!
The other gem is this. When asked about manipulation of storylines, Cowan said, "I work very hard to honor the essence of what happened."
There you go, folks. There's the new motto:
Reality Television: Trying To Honor The Essence of What Happened.
Previously on...the kids lived through a hurricane. They got off lucky with no damage. Svet went home to visit Martin's ill father. John and Janelle wrestled, flirted, found each other intriguing.
Opening Credits. Shirtless boys. Bikini girls. I do declare! Melanoma.
Banjo guy. Signs. Street. "Fantasy Fest" banner. Salon. Bossman Ricky Croft holds a meeting, his five o'clock shadow working now about nine hours overtime. He tells the kids that they need to start thinking about Fantasy Fest, which, John helpfully exposits, is the biggest party to Mardi Gras. Talk of Fantasy Fest. Tyler camera-queens that the population of the island swells, and that this is their opportunity to have a lot of fun. Bossman Ricky Croft wants this to be the best week they've had here! His lame attempt at energizing the group seems to have the opposite effect. Bad bossa nova music plays as John comes up with the idea of doing a Mystic Tan float, replete with some sort of fake tanning booth from which drag queens then emerge. Or something. John camera-frats that the float should be great. They babble. They babble. They discuss shooting paintballs filled with toxic tanning sludge at people. The lawsuits are preemptively filed.
Street. Scooter. Bus. Costume store. Janelle, Zach, and John shop. Janelle tells us that she loves clothes. They try on costumes. Wings. Afro. Mask. Keg. Cheerleader. Referee. (Those are all costumes they try on, by the way. Not characters from a new show on Adult Swim...although I would watch the shit out of that show.) Janelle camera-talks that John is rude and obnoxious, but it somehow works for him. Sort of. I think the "attraction" between John and Janelle is being pretty much manufactured by the editors and lucky kids straight out of college. In other words, I'm not sure the essence of what happened is being fully honored here, but maybe that's just me.
It's night now as the costume-shoppers walk to a restaurant/bar. "This is our week," they all lamely decide. Then John jokes about oysters making Janelle horny. He tells us that if "anything" were to happen between him and any of the girls in the house, it would be with Janelle. Ooh, what a rousing endorsement of his attraction-storyline. And also, let's think about his girl-options: Paula and Svet both have psycho boyfriends who most likely kill people regularly or at least send them to hospitals, and Jose has a cock. Yeah, Janelle it is.
Night. House. John and Tyler discuss how amazing the parade is supposed to be. John feels like everyone has taken the lead on something for the group and he wants to do it with the float and show everyone his "integrity." John thinks that they're going to "impress the shit" out of some people. Sure, maybe someone who has never seen TV before.
Day. Clouds. House. Driving. Key West. Key West. Bridge. Key West. Tyler and John arrive at HOME DEPOT! The security thing beeps when Tyler tries to go in. He jokes, "Are homosexuals not allowed?" Heh. Friends Fitch and Layne shop with them. John explains that they're breaking up the duties for the float into two parts: John is design and construction and Tyler is in charge of "flowers" and "glitter." Funny. While trying to locate something in the store, Tyler asks whether he can just raise up his hand and get help. In a Home Depot? Are you fucking serious? What you can do is stand around for twenty minutes asking each employee -- who it turns out doesn't actually work in that department, but swears that they'll go find someone for you -- and then eventually once you're done crying in frustration, go to your local independent hardware store.
Or pay one of the day-laborers waiting in the parking lot to do it for you.
Outside, Tyler has giant sheets of Styrofoam. As John goes to get twine, Tyler balances all the sheets of Styrofoam on the top of the FORD! Fitch or someone thinks it's not going to work. Tyler insists it will. Suddenly, a big gust of wind comes and blows one of the sheets of Styrofoam away. Then another. Another. They start breaking and just ripping and flying all across the parking lot. Everyone is laughing. "Hurricane Home Depot," Tyler jokes. The suits at Home Depot immediately contact the National Weather Service, wondering if they can actually sponsor a hurricane so that Hurricane Home Depot is its official name. Hey, it worked for the bowl games. They'll get back to them.
Tree. Water. Statue. House. John and whoever work on the float, hammering wood (heh). John tells us that the concept for the float is a fabricated Mystic Tan booth. Tyler takes it a little gayer, saying that the "theme" of the float is "A Mystic Forest" and that he's going with a whole "Shakespearean" thing.
And where else to get poorly-designed and -thought-out "Shakespearean" baubles, but PIER 1! Tyler goes there. We cut back and forth between John and friend doing macho construction, and Tyler and friend buying frou-frou crap, dodging the giant ghost of Kirstie Alley. John makes a hurricane joke. Tyler jokes that for as straight as John is, he thinks it's funny that his main job is to make a very gay float.
House. Tyler sticks leaves into Styrofoam. John and Paula like how it looks. John plays the guitar. The phone rings. Paula gets it. It's a snotty-sounding Svet. Paula babbles to us that it must be hard to lose a parent. Paula needs a ride from the airport. Wow, what an exciting scene that was. Maybe they could show us a print-out of Paula's Travelocity page.
Twinkley music. Photos of Svet and Martin. Paula paints something for the float. John reads about a new hurricane (Wilma) in the gulf. They joke about hurricane names. Hacks! Get some new material. (But still hew close to the essence of what happened.) Commercials.
The scummiest gym of all time. Janelle and John and Zach and Jose work out, lifting dangerous weights as "cute" music plays with the lyrics, "Well I've been heading out to the gym every day. Been working out for a while. I'm in such great shape." Oh, lord. More working out. More acquiring of diseases from the equipment. In the FORD! afterwards, sweaty Janelle brats that she can't wait to get out of her clothes, and John offers to take her pants off her for. He then laughs, smiling proudly like he shit in the bowl for the first time. They have a bad, flirty conversation about sweaty-clothes-removal and it's very boring. Janelle camera-snots that John is coming from a sexual perspective and making it clear that he'd like to get physical, but she doesn't need a guy right now. "Sorry," she tells us. "No."
Key West. Airport. Plane. Jose picks Svet up. They hug. "[Martin's] dad passed," says Svet. "Wow," responds Jose. They drive. She didn't expect it to be this painful. Svet says that her heart crumbled because Martin never expresses his feelings and for him to actually verbalize them as he did, he was clearly devastated. She thinks that the two of them got over a huge mountain this weekend.
Salon. Zach and Jose talk on a videophone about their paltry sales that day. Then Jose reveals that Wilma is indeed now a hurricane and it's suppose to hit Key West that weekend during Fantasy Fest. D'oh!
Winds. Clouds. Sky. Night. House. The kids get ready. John, popping a collar like he's trying out for a Jose-look-a-like-contest, informs the others that the place they're heading is getting rid of all their seafood in anticipation of Wilma, so they're going to go there and eat discount fish and drink discount beer. They stand around and drink DIET PEPSI! getting ready. John and Janelle hug for no reason. They catch a cab.
After a brief ad for the outdoor restaurant, the kids dance and flirt with girls. Then the kids decide to swim in the ocean. Tyler and John run out naked. Janelle isn't naked. John throws Janelle. From shore, Paula asks Janelle is she's topless. Then John comes up behind Janelle and rips off her bra in the water as she screams in protest. "Oh god. Jan-elle," says Svet, sympathetically. Commercials.
We get to see the water-rape again as Paula and Svet watch from the shore. Janelle gets her bra back and puts it on. Janelle camera-implants that she clearly told John not to remove her top but he did it anyway. The kids get out of the water. The music goes, "No no no no no no yes yes yes yes." Hang the DJ. Janelle tells us that she's very confused as to what made John think that would be appropriate to remove her top. Janelle, as we see her getting dressed, does not seem upset at all, however.
But back at the house...Janelle comes down the stairs, and John tries to block her way, teasingly. She won't talk to him. Tyler watches from the computer room and tells the Trix-eating Zach that he knows how girls "get about that" and he knows enough to say, "I'm not taking anyone's top off." Good advice, kids. Don't rip girls' clothes off. Zach camera-fros, his hair at minimum height today, that John often doesn't know when to stop and that bothers people. Zach tells Tyler that sometimes it is difficult to know when girls are being serious and when they're just playing around. Tyler agrees, and that's why he won't ever "mess around."
Out front, Janelle confronts John, asking him why he did that. Wilma is blowing in the mic, as John, no leg to stand on so he's sitting, hems and haws how he didn't know he'd crossed a line and didn't know things were serious and he's sorry. Janelle says she was serious that he shouldn't take off her top. Janelle keeps grilling him. Then she camera-talks that with men and women, when someone says "No," you have to stop. John says that he just got carried away and he does realize what he did was wrong and inappropriate and he's disrespected one of the (six) most important people to him in the house. He tells Janelle that he was wrong and apologizes and "dude"'s all over the place as he apologizes some more. Everything is solved, as the happy joy music plays and Janelle forgives him. However, she tells us that if that happens again she's out of there or he's out of there. Yikes. John hasn't learned his lesson, though, as he rape-hugs Janelle, pulling her to him even though she's limp and floppy. She says, "Honestly, Johnny, that was..." and he interrupts, not wanting to hear what it was. He says, "It was, dude." Ha. And then he agrees that it wasn't cool and he loves her and she's like a sister to him -- even though he wouldn't take his sister's top off, he adds, not able to let it go. He keeps joking and even asks whether she wants to go skinny-dipping in the pool. "Johnny," Janelle whines.
Rain. Rain. Flag blowing. Day. Key West. People close up shop. Zach brings supplies to the salon. As he enters, we see that they've put a sad little hand-written sign up advertising space for rent for "Body Painters" during Fantasy Fest. Aw. I bet that was Jose's idea. Paula folds t-shirts as Zach tells her that he thinks they should ride out Wilma for the experience of it. Paula says no. Zach camera-talks that Wilma is supposed to be the biggest hurricane ever. Well yee-haw! Ride it out, Jewfro Cowboy! Paula calls the house and asks Jose what people want to do. Jose says that it's a Category 5 and they're not staying. John thinks that they should only evacuate semi-far, because they have Fantasy Fest as a responsibility -- in case the hurricane shifts paths they should be close. Yeah, so they can all party while some other city is getting destroyed! John whines, asking the Lord only semi-jokingly why this couldn't have happened some other week; all he really wanted was to see some titties during Fantasy Fest. Jose tellingly says nothing about titties. Stock footage of a hurricane.
on. Wilma forces the kids to evacuate. Drunk Paula goes walnuts again, yelling at Tyler this time. Tyler calls her crazy. The hurricane ravages their hotel. They run. Whee!