Slam!

S17E14

Paula continues to like therapy. Tyler gets upset at John's need for attention. The girls think that Tyler is annoyed by John because he in turn needs the attention. Tyler apparently has had a horrible Mystic Tan accident. Horrible Abusive Boyfriend Keith sends Paula a care package, trying to buy her love. Tyler confronts John with his being annoyed by him, but Tyler chooses to put his energy into being mad at Svet for blabbing and instigating. Paula reveals how not "exes" she and Keith actually are, and cries when the producers decide Keith isn't allowed to come visit and sleep in the house. Svet tries to cheer her up...by revealing how Tyler didn't want Keith in the house either. Paula tells Keith that Tyler was uncomfortable. Ooh, Tyler's going to get his ass put in the hospital. Tyler, Janelle, and Jose make a "Burn Book" bashing Svet for all the dumb stuff she's done or said in the past. Big book.

Previously on...Tyler yelled at people. Keith yelled at Paula. Svet hypothesized that Keith could kill Paula. Maybe -- his MySpace page certainly kills browsers.

Opening. Paula is skinnier that the palm trees. Melanoma.

Water. Sunset. Lightning in the distance. Someone dives off a rock. House. Paula and John lie around. Paula says that seeing the shrink is hard, but that it's forcing her to confront things and to get them "right" this time. John pretends not to be asleep, having taped his eyelids open. John camera-frats that Paula's therapy is a good thing, and that it's starting to cause her to improve herself. Scientologists the world over begin sending angry emails to John. John asks whether Paula's told the doctor about Keith, but she hasn't yet. Yikes. It's been about a year since Keith has tried to fix himself, and Paula realizes that she needs to bring it up with the doctor and figure out if there are some things that are just not forgivable. You know, call me crazy, but I think, in the grand scheme of things, someone putting you in the hospital numerous times...that may just be dealbreaker for me. But that's just me! Paula's somehow-existent cleavage tells us that it means a lot to her to have John ask about this stuff, and actually makes it easier for her to seek help. John makes a joke about Paula being exhausting, and Paula laughs wide. Three teeth fall out due to malnutrition. The super-subtle soundtrack guy finds a song with the lyrics, "Every step's been uncertain. But I'm learning." Sorry you couldn't find a song with the lyrics, "I'm in Key West and I'm going to therapy." Maybe if you dug a little deeper in the bins at Ameoba.

Dr. Covan's front door. Thankfully, we're not allowed in anymore. Montage of Paula driving home from the shrink.

Paula is so healthy that she drives right home and calls Terrible Abusive Keith and reverts immediately to Baby Voice and picks her scabs and tells him that they talked about him at the shrink. "How did that go?" Keith asks. Paula informs Keith that the doctor thinks people can change (not really) and that she just needs to watch for any "signs of anything" (you know, Keith choking or punching her, or anything like that...being hit with a baseball bat, you know...) and let him know that she won't tolerate it. Paula camera-thins that when Dr. Covan gave her the "okay" to see Keith, she was very happy. She goes on to say that she felt, for the first time, like someone really listened. No, you stupid cockslap. You felt for the first time that someone told you what you wanted to hear. There is a big difference.

Keith says that he loves Paula and that he fucking misses the shit out of her. Paula asks him not to say "love" and "fucking shit" back to back. He apologizes. Yeah! Way to stand up for yourself, Paula. But oh shit, Keith's going to fucking kick your ass for calling him out like that on national TV!

Day. House. Windsurfer. Parasailing. Salon. John gets into the tanning booth. Bossman Ricky Croft disses John for needing attention. John opens the booth door butt-naked. Girls scream. Tyler fucking hates it because he's not getting all the attention, so he starts singing a dissing little song from John's point of view, saying "look at me, pay attention to me," etc. "Don't cramp his style," brats Svet. Tyler camera-talks that he wonders if John didn't get enough attention as a child. Svet tells Bossman Ricky Croft that she feels sorry for him sometimes. Bossman Ricky Croft drawls that he will be going to therapy after having to deal with the kids. Bullshit, it's the highlight of his life. He'll be going to acting class after this show. Joining Komedy Sportz.

Montage of the kids tanning. Jose is naked. Tyler isn't. Tyler tries to brush away the toxic chemicals. Too late. The cancer has already taken.

Other car. Tyler continues to bitch about John. Svet shows some wisdom and breaks it down, saying that she likes John's goofiness, and that clearly Tyler is very jealous of the attention John gets. Tyler declares that he's a "better person" than John, and then continues bitching to Svet and Paula. The conversation continues into the house and...holy dermatology, Batman! Tyler is bright orange! He clearly got into a fight with the Mystic Tan booth and the Mystic Tan booth won. Fucking hell. This right here is the moment when the whole Mystic Tan/Real World promotional idea went bust. Sorry, Bossman Ricky Croft, but you guys need to place a disclaimer all over this show: "Tyler fucked up! We swear, you won't be this orange." In fact, all the kids look pretty orange, now that I think about it. Aw, so sad for the Ricker. He's going to be looking for new work soon.

Paula defends John, but Tyler brats on, insisting that "everyone" thinks John is "egregiously annoying." Tyler, I find your use of the word "egregious" annoying. He spins some bullshit story about all these "people" who ask him how he can go from spending time with amazing people who are doing so much with their lives (who? You? Because you're on a local swim team? Because you run half triathlons?) and to dealing with John. Tyler obviously knows he's being a retard because he tells Paula this story so that she can understand where he's "coming from." Paula pretends to nod. Tyler camera-oranges that John has very little ambition in life. Paula thinks Tyler and John need to respect each other more.

Dusk. Statue. Staircase. Ocean. Tyler sits on the deck with Jose, talking about John.

FORD! The other kids ride. Svet tells John what Tyler said about him. John says that Tyler would never approach him with problems. Svet quickly asks if it's bad that she told him. John, of course, says no. Paula rolls her eyes, like, yes, it is. Or, she's incredibly hungry and needs a crust of bread. John camera-talks about Tyler, where does he come off, etc., etc.

Meanwhile. Deck. Tyler says he learns from watching John how obnoxious he himself might come across; he learns from John's mistakes about the dangers of Diva-tude.

FORD! They talk about Tyler thinking he's better than John. John wants to badger Tyler into confronting John about how he feels. Commercials.

Day. House. Paula opens a box. (Heh.) It's a care...no, it's a manipu-package from Keith, containing her favorite nuts. (Heh.) There are also douchey photos of Keith and Paula (to remind her of the times they spent together when she wasn't in traction), and a bottle of Cristal. Paula looks at the Cristal and says, "Wait. Wait!" She immediately goes to check on the 'net how much it costs. (It's over two hundo.) The card says that it's for their Grand Opening at the salon, but he can't help adding a little dig -- that she should "share it" with "whoever" she chooses. Paula camera-bones that it was so nice of Keith to be excited for them. Yeah, what a sweetheart with absolutely no ulterior motives.

Paula calls Keith. "Guess what I got?" she asks, laughing. And check it, he immediately says, "You miss me a little now?" Nice. Her baby voice comes back and she reveals something scary and awesome: Keith's coming to visit! Yes! Paula informs us that she hopes her roommates will be happy for her and think that he's a good choice for her as long as they keep moving forward in a good direction (i.e.: he doesn't bitchslap her every time she forgets to cap the toothpaste). Baby voice. Baby voice.

House. Tennis court. Water. People in water. Sunset. House. Night. Tyler whispers to Jose tha Svet told John all about his shit-talking, so he's going to get back at her. Svet comes in and asks to use the computer. Tyler starts acting overly nice, saying that he's "totally" done with the computer and commenting on how sexy she looks. This makes her happy. Tyler and Jose walk out. "Revenge is fun," says Tyler. Jose eats something, popping all kinds of collars. Tyler camera-queens that he's furious with Svet for telling John what he said. Tyler tells Jose that he's plotting. Jose wants to know what he's thinking. Jose loves it. He finally gets a storyline that doesn't involve him having to look at yucky naked girl boobs or get his ass kicked by Janelle. Tyler doesn't know what he'll do, yet. Jose eggs Tyler on. Tyler queens all over the place, his orange joker face scaring my cat. Tyler and Jose whisper. Tyler dubs it "Operation Bitch Takedown."

Night. Water. Silhouette of a person. Phone room. Paula is calling someone. I wonder who it is? Ah, it's Abusive Boyfriend Keith! She cries to Keith that when Keith comes to visit, he isn't allowed to stay at the house. He asks why. She says it's too much of a "liability." Damn, that's fucked up. They let random fucking skank hos stay over, but her boyfriend can't. That says something about a person, right there, if B/M is worried about his presence.

Svet watches from the door and then goes to Tyler, reporting what's going down; Paula keeps saying that she wanted to sleep to Keith and that she "needed that." Tyler then says that he doesn't feel comfortable having Keith there, moving on to randomly talking about how Keith is buying Paula gifts and how "easy" is that? They discuss abusive boyfriends, and Tyler wonders if Svet has ever talked to Paula about the abuse. Turns out Tyler didn't know that Paula was put in the hospital and that Keith was arrested. "Whoa!" shouts Tyler, orange face flabbergasted. Tyler camera-Garfields that now he really doesn't want Keith staying in the house, and neither should anyone.

Back to phone room. Keith says he understands. "Well, I don't!" Paula cries, saying that was the "one thing" she needed and the one thing she was looking forward to, her bony back heaving. Keith says that he's disappointed too, but that he can't get mad about it because ultimately it's his fault. Paula busts out a great line: "Yeah, but I'm always punished for 'your fault.'" She camera-scabs that she "absolutely" doesn't think Keith would ever hurt her again, but acknowledges that other people do worry about that. She cries to Keith, totally having a meltdown, saying she doesn't even care that he's coming anymore because "that" was the one thing she wanted -- to be to him. She weeps. I giggle. Commercials.

Paula still weeps on the phone. Tyler and Svet still dish about her. Svet camera-boobs that she believes Paula that Keith has changed a lot, and trusts Paula to know what's right for her. A sad girl song plays. Paula cries. Keith loves Paula and is very sorry and he has to live with what he did: "Okay? All right baby. Bye." They hang up. More girly sad piano. Paula sniffles her way upstairs. "Poor Paula," says Tyler, insincerely.

Svet goes upstairs to talk to Paula, who whines that nothing is her fault but that it always happens "to" her. Svet wisely(?) tells her not to do that. "Don't 'lose,'" Svet self-helps. Svet says that once Keith comes, Paula will be so happy that he's there, she won't worry about the disappointment of not being able to sleep in his abusive arms. "Do you want to go put a pretty face on?" asks Svet. There's a store where you can buy pretty faces? Sweet.

Montage of the kids tanning. Jose is naked. Tyler isn't. Tyler tries to brush away the toxic chemicals. Too late. The cancer has already taken.

Dusk. Statue. Staircase. Ocean. Tyler sits on the deck with Jose, talking about John.

Meanwhile. Deck. Tyler says he learns from watching John how obnoxious he himself might come across; he learns from John's mistakes about the dangers of Diva-tude.

FORD! They talk about Tyler thinking he's better than John. John wants to badger Tyler into confronting John about how he feels. Commercials.

Night. House. Deck. Wicker Summit time. Tyler decides to confront John. But instead of apologizing, he starts off by blaming Svet for telling John, and says that she exacerbates things and that Tyler would be mad at him too, based on what Svet has told John. John doesn't fall for it and says he can't understand why Tyler doesn't just come to him with issues. Tyler once again just defends himself, saying that in a "normal college setting," he could just "bounce these ideas" off his friends and then go talk to John about it, but here people tell John before he can. Okay, there are so many things wrong with that that it makes me sleepy. But mostly I love his morphing of "catty shit-talking" into "bouncing ideas off someone." Tyler babbles more and actually says the "bouncing ideas" thing again. John still doesn't buy into any of it. Good for John. John waves his cigarette around and says that he's here to learn and would want to hear these bad things about himself directly. Tyler camera-talks, saying that for the first time he's seeing John for who he really is. And...resolved! That easy! Man, if anyone has a problem, they should just go on The Real World. USA and Iraq! Put them in a house and let the B/M editors have at 'em. Slap a mellow acoustic guitar track under it, and voila! Peace in the Middle East! Tyler misses the whole point again, saying that John is being "sweet," and telling him that the real problem isn't between them at all, but between him and Svet for her instigating just because she has nothing better to do. "I'm going to make the bitch pay," he says.

Key West. Key West. Night. Night. Streets. FORD! Paula and Zach drive. He asks if she's been talking to her ex, and she says that he's not really her ex, but that they just call it that. Zach camera-fros that even though Keith Ike Turnered Paula all over the place, who is to say she can't give the kid another chance. Paula says that Keith is in anger-management class (ooh, I hope a wacky Jack Nicholson is there!) and that he's been doing things to make stuff better. She says that the doctor told her it sounds like he's making progress. She adds that she even told Keith there's a possibility that, after all this, she'll come to the conclusion that he's indeed not good for her. I think it's very telling that she's picking at an arm scab as she's telling Zach all this. Or maybe she's just being bitten by a flea from Zach's hair-nest. Paula says, "I want the best for me. I also want the best for him. But I think it's okay that I want the best for me first." Nice! That should be the title of her self-help book. Zach mumbles an insecure "I'm proud of you, Paula."

Lantern. Ship. Ship. Waves. Outdoor bar. Paula tells Svet how understanding Keith was being on the phone. Svet...I can't believe she does this: she proceeds to tell Paula how Tyler was saying that he doesn't feel comfortable having Keith stay with them. Paula is mad, saying that Tyler will never "get it," and that he's very set in his ways.

Boat. Drunk guy sitting on some stairs. Waving flag. House. Paula is on the phone again with Abusive Boyfriend Keith, telling him the thing about Tyler being uncomfortable. Oh shit, Tyler's going to get his ass kicked! Keith thinks that's "really fucked up." Paula bitches that no one has the right to tell her what's right for her. Sure, but you're missing the point, Punching Bag. Tyler is saying he wouldn't feel comfortable with Keith staying in the house with him. It's not that he's not right for you. He just doesn't want to have to deal with a psycho under his roof. Big diff, stupid. Paula camera-talks some more bullshit about her life and no one knows and faith and doing the right thing and being positive and this is how she's going to live her life. Paula thinks that, as a Gay, Tyler should be more understanding about things that are different. Exsqueezeme? How does that follow? Paula then says that Tyler is also a self-righteous prick who only listens "to his own scenarios." Well, she's got a point there.

Speaking of...said prick is in the office with Janelle and Jose, making a Burn Book, writing down the stupid shit Svet has said and done. We get a little montage of flashbacks of Svet saying dumb things. Svet played Spin The Bottle in the Poconos with older boys when she was eight. Svet dressed as a Hooters girl when she was eleven. She won't marry "anything less" than a lawyer. Money makes her happy. Janelle camera-snots that she feels bad for participating in the Burn Book, but assures us that if we had to listen to Svet's bullshit, we'd be making a Burn Book too. You know, not so sure that's true, Janelle. They make a list of Svet's weird allergies: lobster, nuts, onions, latex, sperm...and during this, the bored editors find stock photos of said things, including sperm, and put them on screen with a dinging bell sound for each one. Those guys are so bored. Tyler finishes off the list by adding that Svet's probably allergic to Janelle and himself as well. is the "eating disorder" she supposedly has. Tyler giggles and says that if Svet ever saw the book, he'd have a "knife in his thigh."

On the ...Zach and Crystal make out. Zach tells us he's been honest with her about not wanting to be her boyfriend. Zach dances with some beauty-contest girl. Tyler and Zach mumble in the car about Crystal and how Zach is being a dick to her. Svet gets bad news on the phone from Martin, ostensibly about his sick father. Svet punches the wall of Mystic Tan. Mystic Tan deserves it for making them all so orange.