While Hurricane Rita blows back home, the kids blow in West Palm Beach, waiting it out. Paula feels weird hanging around with John, who is still mad at her for the cockblocking, etc. etc. In the hotel bar, Zach plays weatherman, watching the news obsessively, while sipping wine...or Manischewitz. The kids go out to a bar, and Tyler talks to a dude and John is being assholish about it, so Tyler throws a drink in his face and John throws one back and Tyler leaves the bar upset. Jose and Zach confront John on using inflammatory gay terms; hung over John turns it around and thinks that Tyler is wrong. Tyler and John make up very easily. Since they can all handle themselves so well drunk, the kids go out drinking yet again the night. Svet somehow cockblocks Paula, and Paula does her catatonic little-girl-voice thing and tells this guy that her ex beat her up. Nice wooing technique! The guy comes back to the hotel, and while Paula calls Keith, Guy reveals to the kids what a freak Paula became at the bar. News to no one. The kids manage to fuck up their hotel room after just three nights. Eventually they head back, incredibly hung over, to find minimal damage and no power. Paula decides to confront John and clear the air with him about the cockblocking. They have yet another confusing conversation about Paula's issues. The girl's got more issues than National Geographic. The air is cleared between them.
I'm doing this recap incredibly hung over, so if the bitterness and rage bubbles to the surface a little more frequently than usual, you'll know why. Oh, and just a tip: if you're drinking at a Tiki Bar and someone keeps buying the entire bar free rounds for some mysterious reason, stick to beer. Just say no to mojitos and zombies. It's true what they say: zombies really do eat your brains.
Ow.
Previously...aw, my new Adelphia Moxi didn't tape the previously. Sucks to be...well, nobody.
The Graphic of Stupid reads: West Palm Beach, FL. 230 miles north of Key West. The kids walk. It's very windy. There's more blowing going on here than at Clay Aiken and Andy Dick's joint birthday party. We get a typically subtle commercial for Marriott, where the pussies are hiding out...I mean, "the kids are staying." They walk though the parking lot. Janelle acutely observes that it's very windy. Jose voice-overs that Hurricane Rita has forced the kids to evacuate (heh), and ride out the storm in West Palm Beach. Shots of wind. Trees blowing. Fronds. Cars. Etc. The kids are sharing a suite. Someone voice-overs that they're not looking forward to all of them sharing a room -- not after last night's Paula outburst. They turn out the lights.
Day. Crazy surfers wait for tsunamis. Wind. Wind. Water. A weather report talks about the storm. In the hotel bar, Jose and Tyler read the paper and watch the news, discussing how Rita hasn't really made landfall yet. Rita is strengthening. So is my desire to barf.
I'm not fucking kidding, my cat is fighting with her own back paw right now. Numbnuts.
Svet and Paula walk, carrying bags. Hurricane? Sure, let's shop! They stop to eat salads. Paula tells Svet that she's holding a grudge against John, and then Paala tells us that she doesn't want to be stuck in a room with him right now, because she's so mad and so is he and bleh blah bloo. Svet says that John is a "simple person" (heh), and is, therefore, very forgiving; she thinks Paula should just pull John aside and clear the air. Paula now denies that she was drunk last night. Well, I guess the malnutrition could account for some of the weaving and incoherent thoughts. Paula camera-bones that she's now apparently a lesbian and that she cockblocks John. Yes and yes. She goes on to say that she's frustrated, because everything she says comes out the wrong way. Paula then says, "Do you know how hard it is to be a bulimic anorexic lesbian?" Paula and Svet start kinda-amusingly riffing on what a full-time time job that is, and how Paula could start a gang of hungry, pissed-off people. Ah, the best humor comes from sad truths.
West Palm Beach. West Palm Beach. Beach. Pink buildings. Buildings. MARRIOTT! Zach drinks wine in the bar and watches the weather, enthralled. Jose joins him, and Zach camera-fros something about the hurricane hitting close to home, but I'm too mesmerized by the ever-increasing height of his hair. It's reaching Kid 'N Play territory. Zach gets up, and walks up to the TV and touches it like Carol Anne from Poltergeist; he is really into The Weather Channel.
Dusk. Bird. Sunset. Clouds. Street. Birds. Hotel. The kids all get ready to go out. John camera-frats that the seven of them are a bit bored by the same nightlife, so being in West whatever gives them a chance to whatever.
Night. Tree. Cars. Clock. The kids walk, all dressed up. Terrible dance club. Everyone dances, and drinks, and talks to random people. We meet Alex, who the Graphic of Stupid says is "Paula's friend," so while we're supposed to think this is some dude she's trying to mack on, I think it's just a guy they know from Key West. Anyway, they show him calling Paula cute, clearly out of context, to try to push this point. More dancing. Tyler and Janelle sit together. Janelle tells Tyler that some guy "Bobby" is staring at Tyler. Tyler goes up and starts talking to the chubby Bobby, who looks to be about forty. They flirt and talk. Then drunk John takes notice of the love connection, and actually goes up to them and says, "Uh oh! Tyler met a nice young female." Wrong on two of those words. And also, incredibly obnoxious. Tyler thinks so too: he camera-talks that John is being offensive and inflammatory and always makes lot of gay jokes. The Guitar Rock of Impending Conflict wails, as John drinks more, and yells, "Stop fucking staring at me!" to the angry Tyler. So then the cameramen, because it's not like they don't only have one fucking job here, miss Tyler throwing a drink (pink champagne, it looks like) at John, and John throwing one back. Suddenly, they're both wet, and Tyler is pointing a finger, and John is mad. Tyler camera-talks that he's happy he did it, because now John realizes that he's crossed the line. Tyler goes on to say that he left the bar because he thought it could get physical, and he doesn't like violence. I also think having guys get their faces caved in on two subsequent seasons would be a little much.
Tyler leaves. He walks home, shirt very wet. Hotel. Commercials.
MARRIOTT! Wind. Trees. The kids drunkenly get off the elevator and wake up the whole floor. Janelle and Tyler wrestle. Jose and Zach listen to a shirtless and eyelinered Tyler in one of the suite's rooms, bitching that John uses the word "fag" a lot. What makes Tyler mad is that he lets John get away with it. Tyler then camera-talks that he didn't set any limits on gay jokes in the house because he didn't want to be seen as the overly-sensitive gay guy, but when the word "fag" is used, it crosses the line. Tyler reached the breaking point tonight, though. Zach says that he has Tyler's back. Tyler says thathe loves John, "but the kid's stupid sometimes." Then a drunken John weaves into the room, and tells Tyler that if he has a problem, he should talk to John about it. Tyler says that he's mad at himself, and that they'll talk tomorrow. This is fine with John, who looks like I feel right now.
Morning. Crews clean up debris. Debris. Debris. That's a fun word to say. Debris. The straight boys walk down the street -- okay, the straight boys and Jose. They go to the same damn salad joint -- clearly yet another fucking commercial -- to eat. The salads actually look pretty good. John recaps the drink-throwing from last night. Zach tells John that Tyler wanted to know how to approach John with his concerns. John says that everyone in the house uses the word "fag" and makes jokes, but Jose says that John takes it too far. Jose camera-talks that John always thinks he's right. John indeed then brings up a ridiculous defense, saying that if they're going to have to start censoring what they say, they have to do it "across the board." I'm cross and bored. Zach camera-fros that offensive words are very offensive. John continues talking, saying that he thinks Tyler did something wrong with the champagne bomb and he knows it, and now is trying to come up with an excuse as to why he did it. Yeah, that's exactly what's happening. Or maybe Tyler just did it so he'd have an excuse to leave and get out of sleeping with Old Bobby.
Sunset. Water. Dolphins. Night. Traffic. MARRIOTT! Tyler asks Zach what John's response was. Tyler says that he's glad they didn't talk last night, because he feels like he overreacted a bit. Tyler babbles on about being a peacemaker and more nonsense, and then John wanders in, looking drunk yet again, somehow, and asks Tyler to please talk to him. Tyler sits down on the couch with John. Tyler says that he's just mad at himself for not setting limits. John admits that it was his fault, too. Then John camera-talks that he thinks Tyler is a great guy, and that the last thing he wants to do is hurt Tyler or have him think he's homophobic. Ugh, we're into the patented B/M Everything-Is-Fixed-In-Two-Minutes scene with acoustic guitar. Tyler camera-talks that John is annoying and like a little brother to him. They hug. Then John says that Tyler just got an erection. Tyler says, "No, I didn't." Well, John certainly seems to have learned his lesson about making gay jokes!
Night. Boat. Lights. Traffic. The kids go out to a club again. Always a good idea with this stable bunch. Dancing. Dancing. Whoa! Jose is dancing with a girl! Drinking. Paula talks to this Alex "friend" again. She camera-talks that Alex is "fun enough to talk to," going on to say that it's nice to get male attention, even if it's not from someone you really want. Ouch. Janelle thinks they look cute together. Then Svet comes over, and I think she's telling Alex how hot Paula is, being a good wing-woman. Svet says that Paula makes her feel ugly. Then she leaves, and Paula has a very strange, annoyed look on her face. She camera-thins that Svet always needs to be the center of male attention. We see Svet flirting with others. And suddenly, Paula is staring into space like she does, wearing the Droopy face. Uh-oh. Poor Alex has no idea what's going on, and he asks Paula, in ill-advised language, "You think that I like Svetlana just because she's prettier than you are?" Ouch. Paula looks physically pained. But then Alex says, "You are ten times more gorgeous than she is and have one hundred times more personality." Boring and a liar. Paula's near tears. Instead of running away as fast as possible, Alex asks her to come outside and talk.
Morning. Ship. Boat. Trees. MARRIOTT! The kids clean up the room they have totally trashed. Zach and John are both hung over. Welcome to the club, boys. Suddenly, Tyler walks through the room naked, his li'l Tyler right at eye level. Dude. That'll sober you right up. They all leave. Zach says that he's anxious to see the state of the house.
Driving. Driving. Driving. Debris. Debris. House. They pull up. Something is in the pool. The gate is broken. Tyler is excited to find some "damage." The power is out. The A/C doesn't work. But there is nothing too bad. The kids bring out the pool furniture. John finds a piece of the roof on the ground. He laughs, finding that very amusing.
Sunset. Water. A basketball hoop. Sun setting. The house. Paula and Jose play pool. Jose tells us that Paula has issues and that he can relate. What, don't tell me he was beaten up by an abusive boyfriend too? Paula babbles about no one forcing her to work on issues in the past. Right, like he is now. Paula camera-talks that she hasn't dealt with John yet, so here it goes...and she takes him outside.
Outside. Paula tells John that she didn't mean to cockblock him. John says that it was weird, and that he didn't know what to do. Paula little-girl-whines that it's not him, and that she doesn't know how to act and that it's just stuff that nobody knows. I have no fucking idea what she's talking about. Neither does John, as he asks her to enlighten him. Paula says that she hates men because her ex was bad, and, she tells us...one more time, he put her in the hospital. Now Paula cries, and says that it's not directed toward John, but she's mostly mad at herself because she still talks to Keith, and she hates men who disrespect women because she disrespects herself by talking to him. John misses the point and tries to tell her to stop blaming herself. No, she should blame herself -- she's the one who still talks to Abus-o. More crying. John "dude"s a lot. John says that Paula could have a new start here, in Key West, since none of them knows her. No, it's too late. By the first night, she was already acting fucking batshit. Paula rubs her face, and her arm is covered in welts like she was attacked by a swarm of angry bees. But of course, Everything Is Solved! The uplifting nonsense music plays, and Paula camera-babbles about John telling her that she can have a fresh start, and John camera-babbles about understanding where Paula is coming from now, and that maybe they can "work together" from now on, and they keep talking. And then John is done, and they hug, and she thanks him, not one iota healthier.
On the . Zach rolls on the bed with Crystal, the boring waitress. John laughs that Crystal wants Zach in "relationship mode" right away. Zach says that he doesn't want that. Paula drinks and runs around the house going crazy. John says that when she drinks, you never know which Paula you're going to get. She kicks something.
Off to puke. Bye!