John hits on a waitress; drunk Paula tries to talk to her, too. Later, she drunkenly hangs up on abusive Keith. At work, Bossman Ricky Croft gives them a new commercial...I mean car for work purposes. But then he drops bad news that the salon might not be ready for the opening due to plumbing issues. The kids go snorkeling and jet-skiing and parasailing as a little break, because they deserve it so much. A tropical storm begins to develop, and the tourists are evacuated; the locals all drink at the bar and joke about the mounting hurricane. At the bar, Tanya keeps trying to cock-block John's wooing of a girl, and then tries to hit on her and actually invites the girl over for a girls-only sleepover. Or something. John and Paula fight back at the house. Paula overhears John talking about her later, and then she freaks out and yells and has one of her panic attacks. Suddenly, the friggin' Mayor of Key West shows up at the house, and tells them that they're being evacuated because of Hurricane Rita. First, they head to the salon to help sandbag the doors. Paula has a conversation with Tyler, who weirdly makes her feel a little better, and then tells the others to be nicer to Paula. They evacuate, and drive to the mainland.
Previously...Bossman Ricky Croft laid out their timeline for getting the salon running. Paula "made out with" a girl at the bar; she told us she is attracted to girls. Tyler pooh-poohed this notion, being the authority on All Things Queer (which is a great NPR show, by the way).
Opening credits. "Gorgeous, man!" someone shouts. Eh, not so much.
Night. Key West. Bars. Bar. Paula looks bored, as John blandly hits on a bland cocktail waitress, with the bland name of Kelly. John spits terrible drunken game, as Paula watches, annoyed, hungry. Paula camera-thins that John comes across as "that guy" when he talks to girls, and she thinks girls would rather talk to someone "calmer" and more on "their wavelength." Paula is too skinny to have a wave-length. John camera-talks that while he was talking to the girl, Paula came over and started ruining his game. We see Paula and John talking, and while it's very hard to hear, it sounds like Paula says, "I love her too," and then they slap five. Or something. Paula's arm does not, however, crack in two when they do slap five. Paula camera-bones that John doesn't want to admit that not every girl wants to talk to him. Except for you, Paula, because you're clearly jealous right now that John isn't talking to you. Even though you hate guys. But you need them. And you pick ones who hurt you. Because you're not deserving of love. Also, you need to see a dermatologist. And a nutritionist. And a therapist. You need to go see a lot of "ists."
Street. Night. Yeah, we see just how disapproving Paula is of John and how much she dislikes him...as she makes him carry her, laughing. She pivots around so that she's rubbing her Key West all over John's arm. VOMIT!
Key West. Key West. House. House. Paula drunkenly weaves up the stairs. John then does a confessional, talking about how when Paula drinks she is no longer "Paula"; her alter ego "Paula Walnuts" is born. Feh.
Phone room. Paula lies nearly face-down, talking on the phone to her abusive "ex-"boyfriend Keith. He asks whether they're going to be okay, and she whines, "No, we're not." He asks whether she's sad, and she says nothing. Paula whispers that she does want to go to bed, and then Keith complains that she's whispering, and she yells at him that he's not listening, and then she puts down the phone, annoyed (not hanging it up, though), and just rolls over as Keith keeps yelling her name. Heh. John finds Paula, picks her up, and carries her to bed. John camera-talks that he likes helping people, and that when Paula flips out, she needs help and needs to be comforted. And she needs a sandwich. (I know that's not an "ist," but she needs one.)
Night. Clouds. Tree. Wind. Bird sounds. Morning. Water. Key West. Salon. Zach tells Bossman Ricky Croft that they've scheduled a 110-person high-school marching band to come play at the Grand Opening of the salon. "That's awesome," says Bossman Ricky Croft. By the way, Bossman Ricky Croft has started, if you don't know by now -- and you should -- a blog! I shit you not. It's super-peppy and adorably goshdarn earnest. And what is it called? "Inside The Booth." And it's subtitled "Getting real about tanning & your favorite reality TV show." With the ampersand and everything! Too awesome. He even once blurbed my recaplet on his site. (But then I suppose he actually went and read it and realized we were a bunch of dicks over here. I guess I did call him a completely ineffectual businessman if he indeed co-invented the process and still could only get VP stripes. He's never mentioned us again. Boo.) Anyway, Zach continues to tell Bossman Ricky Croft about the plans for the opening, as Zach camera-fros how great the opening is going to be, and how they can't wait to open and "start tanning the people of Key West." (It is, of course, just what the town needs: a spray-on tanning place in the sunniest and most beach-havingest locale in the fucking country. Anyway.) Bossman Ricky Croft then launches into a super-fake conversation, in which he pretends to be pissed that the kids all have errands to run but only one car. So he tells them to step outside, and despite what he claims on his blog, the kids know they're getting a vehicle because one guesses, almost inaudibly, "Motorcyles?" Instead, waiting for them is a big red commercial for a MERCURY MILAN! Commercial. Commercial. They pretend to be super-excited about getting this new car to drive around in -- only for business uses, Bossman Ricky Croft sternly tells them. (Wait, they already have a FORD!, don't they?) John claims to have been scared that he was getting fired when they got called outside. Lie. Zach touches John a lot during this scene. Bossman Ricky Croft really looks like he's had a few rough nights out at the clubs; he's totally unshaven and wearing, clearly, last night's t-shirt. Aw, yeah. Bossman Ricky Croft got game! (Or he's been staying up all night obsessively checking the visitor stats of his blog -- clicking, clicking, clicking...)
Day. Clouds. Water. House. House. Bossman Ricky Croft calls Zach, dropping the bomb that with the plumber and the inspections, they probably aren't going to be open in time for their...well, opening. Bossman Ricky Croft wants them to make a contingency plan in case a hundred people show up and they can't let them actually inside the building. Yeah, that kind of fucks with the idea of a Grand Opening. They could call it a Grand Standing-Outside, I suppose. Also, a hundred people?! Good luck. You might need a few twenty cardboard cutouts of people to fill out the crowd. Zach camera-fros that people are going to be looking to him for guidance, because he's the manager. Also, because he has the silliest hair. Zach tells Jose the troubles. They decide not to cancel the opening, opting instead just to "wait." Sure, sound business tactic. Jose calls the new development a "low blow." He clearly has "blows" on his mind when Zach is around.
Clouds. Water. Silly island music plays as the kids board a sailboat. What? John camera-talks in his purple headband that they've been working hard all week (WAH!), and they're looking forward to cutting loose. On the boat, they all eat food as the boat's captain, Steve, talks them through some rules.
We get a boating montage as we learn that this is yet another commercial for something called SEBAGO! (Wow, two commercials in the span of ninety seconds. B/M must really be in trouble. Do they owe money to bookies or something? What the hell is going on? Call me if you need a loan or something, guys.) The kids snorkel. Snorkeling. Snorkeling. Paula screams, for some reason. Svet wonders whether there are sharks. Fish. Fish. Someone takes a photo underwater. Someone pulls the swim suit out of her vagina. Now the kids Jet-Ski. Paula Jet-Skis. Now they banana boat. Two of them fall off. Now John and Zach take a romantic parasail together. Some huge-breasted random woman sits between Tyler and Jose. Tellingly, neither pays her any attention. Tyler camera-queens that it's fun just to be "kids" and reward themselves for all their hard work. Now the boat sails home, and Paula, her weird chest spots taking a nap along with the rest of her, tells us that she's having fun; she manages to get the name of the company in here as well. Good soldier. She says that it was "the best day."
Suddenly, a dark funnel cloud appears near the water and the ship's radio starts playing news of evacuations. Paula looks worried. (She shouldn't -- she has lots of experience evacuating.) A tropical storm is coming. They head home.
Home. Zach looks at radar of the hurricane ("Rita") on the computer, and tells Jose that there is a mandatory evacuation for all tourists. He hits the word as if they're not tourists. They're just "tourists" for four months. That's all. And also, "people I hate watching." Storm cloud. Commercials.
Night. Moon. Clouds. Key West. Streets. Bar. The kids are at a bar for an "evacuation party." Zach talks to some dude about the path of the storm and the predicted landfall day. Meanwhile, John spits to some blonde girl, Kristen, telling her that they're going to go ride Jet-Skis in the hurricane. Sweet! And smart! Paula watches, upset again. Paula bitterly says that John doesn't respect women, and that when she sees him talking to this girl it just looks "tacky." I see. Talking to a girl is objectionable, whereas it's okay to send one to the hospital? Got it. Will keep it in mind. John and Kristen have a very boring conversation about the gender ratio in town, while Paula tries to join in, but is ignored. Paula says that John is a "simple guy." The cameramen miss the following, so they try to loop it in, poorly -- but Paula starts talking shit, saying that John's story about being bitten by a jellyfish is a "bad line," and that he's trying to make himself sound so "cool." John camera-frats that he can't understand why Paula is cockblocking.
The kids play pool. Pool. John and Kristen are totally flirting, and Paula gets more and more upset and starts talking shit to Zach, saying that John is drunk and an idiot. "Behave!" Austin-Powers Zach. Zach tells us that Paula's behavior is becoming more and more erratic. As opposed to all the times it's been predictable and even-keeled? A drunk John talks about going to get pizza, and then Paula confusingly links "floppy" pizza to John's dick. John can't understand why she's doing that. John walks off, and then Paula suddenly invites Kristen and her other blonde friend to the house to have a girls' sleepover. Zach camera-talks about how Paula has suddenly invited the girls over without permission from John, who was the one talking to Kristen, and it's all very strange.
John comes outside, and Paula and Kristen are doing pull-ups and touching each other. I guess the sleepover thing isn't happening, but John finds out about the plans made behind his back and says, "Paula Walnuts isn't going to live through the morning." They get into a cab and head home.
Street. Storefronts. Sky. Night. Moon. House. Driveway. Paula yells, and Zach tries to tell her that it's not her battle to make sure John is nice to girls. Paula yells that it's easy to get girls to come back home with you, and then says something about treating girls with respect. Girl's gots issues, man. I don't even understand her trip, but she either hates men or loves John or all of the above.
Inside the house now. Computer room. Paula says, "John's mad because I steal his girls." John comes in and tells the others that Paula is a "fucking lesbian." He complains that the first girl he met, she made out with. Now, he found a second one, and Paula was all over her, too. Paula really has nothing to say about that, but tries to turn it around to say that John clearly can't hold a girl's attention. Well, that may be true. Paula says her thing about respecting girls, and John yells some more, confused as to why she's shooting him down to the girls. Paula starts yelling that she was trying to build him up to the girls, and then she yells at him to kiss her ass, and the Drunken Yell Fest continues, and the music is all intense, and there are Springer hands being thrown around, and somehow Paula blames her being the joke of the house on John, and then she punches the desk and storms out...
CUT TO: Storms! Lightning! Clever. John, holding a burrito on a plate, says that Paula is just making shit up. Commercials.
Rain. Deck. Statue. Rain. Downstairs, the kids all talk. Zach hypothesizes that Paula tries to be the protector, but that she also has "pseudo-attraction" to these girls. We see that Paula is listening from upstairs, upset and red-faced. John says it's clear that Paula is into chicks, and now everything makes sense. Suddenly, Paula appears at the top of the stairs, and instead of jumping, she weeps that her life isn't for them to discuss, and that she doesn't do or say anything "for purpose." She can't believe they have to talk about her when they don't even really know her. Svet is trying not to laugh, and John tells Paula to help educate them, then. Paula's really having a fit, struggling to speak, and getting red. She makes a terrific speech about John losing girls to her: "The fact that you blame me on taking your girls that are supposedly straight, should show you the caliber of your excellence the womanhood of life." Heh. She says that she is a lesbian (jokingly, I believe), and that she can take any of John's girls. Paula screeches that they should consider her "done in his house." She's bright red now and losing words, and she moans in frustration and says that this is why she hates people. (Me too.) John says that she brings it on herself, and she yells that he talks shit but should have confronted her. Zach camera-talks that when Paula gets really upset, she has panic attacks, and that is a sign that something isn't right with her. A lot of things aren't right with her. She moans again and turns away, saying, "I'm just too...not right for this house!" Word to the third.
Night. Street. Cars. Cars. Tennis court. Morning. There is a knock at the door. WTF?! It's the mayor! Mayor Jimmy Weekley. Holy shit, you know he got some great teasing as a kid with that name. Mayor Weekley informs them that there is a mandatory evacuation, and that they have to leave by 5 that afternoon. Zach and Jose take the MERCURY MILAN! down to the salon to help Bossman Ricky Croft put down some sandbags.
Meanwhile, Paula calls Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith to whine to him that they're being put up at the Palm Beach Marriott. What a hard life they have!
Back in the MILAN!, Zach and Jose talk about being worried for Paula.
Paula whines that she feels like an outcast.
City. Residents board up their windows. At the salon, they put everything in the middle of the store and then put down sandbags. Zach camera-solemns about how he was foolish to just worry about the plumbing problems with the house, and that now the hurricane has slapped him back into reality. Oh, God, how I wish it truly would. Zach puts a sign in the window that reads, "Rita...PLAY NICE". Rita will probably blow out all the windows now, just as punishment for Zach's mentally-challenged five-year-old's handwriting. "Excuse me," Zach then imagines the hurricane saying. "I am coming to town." I don't know what he's talking about.
Montage of wind. House. The kids bring in deck furniture. Tyler watches and makes pithy comments.
Deck. Paula asks Tyler whether he sees her as a fragile, weak person. He says, "Sometimes." Tyler camera-talks that everyone in the house thinks Paula is a drug addict or bipolar, but he just thinks she needs attention. Paula tells Tyler that she was incredibly happy yesterday and had a great day, but then last night she freaked, and today she woke up and was back to "less than zero." Ooh, I wish I were watching that movie instead. Tyler makes pithy Hallmark-card statements, and Paula finally agrees that she needs therapy, and that she's going to finally take action once Rita is gone.
A sign reads, "Idle Speed. No Wake In All Manmade Canals." That's what Tyler's boyfriend said. ZING!
House. Wind. Paula puts on lotion. Tyler talks to the boys in the kitchen, saying that Paula is on lots of medication, and that she needs positivity in her life. John rejects being lectured to about Paula, saying that he's had the most dealings with her. Janelle stands up to Tyler for John, strangely, agreeing that John was the abused party last night and doesn't need a lecture. Ooh, there's trouble in the Tyler-Janelle Will & Grace-hood. John camera-frats that he feels like he was stabbed in the back by someone he cared about, and that there is nothing Paula can do that would make everything okay at this point.
FORD! The kids bring out their bags and pile in. John drives, voice-overing that because of last night, it's going to be a long ride. Driving. Seven Mile Bridge. Zach voice-overs, wishing good luck to the house and to the Keys.
Heavy metal plays. Yeah! And we get a crazy little Montage of Tension. Quick shots. Clouds! Kids! Clouds! John! Clouds! Paula! Clouds! Black! Jonathan Murray!
And then, with no warning, they show extra footage from the web...and Tyler vomits right into the camera off the side of the boat. I hate you, MTV. When did vomiting become acceptable on television? I know it was around the time of Jackass, but I still reject it. Fuckers.
On the : MARRIOTT! commercial. Right away. Nice. The kids are all stuck in a room together. We are told that there is bound to be tension. Bar. The kids drink. John is being offensive to Tyler and some gay boys, and Tyler throws a drink in his face. Paula cries to some random guy at the bar about Keith putting her in the hospital. Wow. Two things: Paula and alcohol really don't mix. Also: Keith is going to fucking kick her ass when he sees this.