The kids go to Costa Rica. The boys immediately get naked, and then they go out to bars. "Those are the hottest men I've ever seen in my life," Wes says at one point. No foolin'. Danny almost gets his skull further caved in in a fight with a local over Mel, exhibiting wicked awesome insecurity about having a hot girlfriend. They take a zipline tour through the forest canopy. Mel overcomes a fear of heights. Danny doesn't overcome his insecurity, and makes Mel stay home with him instead of bar-hopping. The kids get surfing lessons and then wipe out repeatedly. Lacey is afraid of water. Mel's boobs are afraid of staying in her bikini, apparently. At a bar, the kids come up with a retarded plan to try to get people to think Wes is Prince Harry. Danny gets drunkenly mad when Mel says she'd hypothetically "bang" Prince William, so he "breaks up" with her. Danny doesn't remember it in the morning. He apologizes. They make up. The kids all go kayaking. Danny and Mel make out. The kids leave. Montage of Costa Rica memories. They get onto the airplane headed back home. The plane crashes into the Andes. They all eat Lacey and eventually die.
Austin. Warehouse. The kids pack for the trip they don't at all deserve. A full-sized bus comes to pick them up. Wes camera-ghosts that he's always wanted to go to Costa Rica. Johanna camera-talks that she thinks the trip will bring them all together. When have they ever been "apart"? She thinks everyone is going to get along. Jesus, let's hope not.
Bus. The boys crack wise. Rachel makes a disgusted face. Or maybe that's just her normal puss.
Montage of airport. Plane. Sun goes down. (On this show.)
Well, so, suddenly they're in Costa Rica. Another bus pulls into the dingy little "Hotel Cocal & Casino." Slot machines. No one playing them. As the housemates check into their ugly little rooms, Neh tells us that he himself earned this trip, and that he's going to have fun and see everything before he has to go home. Wow, B/M really went the econo route on the rooms. The kids realize they're right on the water. Geniuses. Danny must have just thought the roaring in his ears was just due to his caved-in cranium.
Beach. Night. The kids run into the water, screaming like morons. Neh had better take off his big giant Africa pendant before that thing pulls him under. Johanna jumps into Wes's arms. Danny clears out his ear. Water frolicking. Water frolicking. The boys decide to nude up. Mel's boobies fall out of her suit. Smart boobs -- trying to get away from getting mauled by drunk Danny every night. Naked boys. Frolicking girls. Nude Wes. Stee VOMITING!
Cab. The kids go out. Wes gawks at some women who, as Neh and the driver both agree, are actually men. "Those are the hottest men I've ever seen in my life!" laughs Wes. "Eh, I've seen hotter," thinks Danny.
"Monkey Bar." Wow, these idiots can find the most touristy dive bars no matter where they are. In the middle of the desert, they could find drunk Australians dancing and shooting bad tequila. Wes camera-pales that they went bar-hopping, and then, while drunk on the street, some locals "roll up" on them and start checking out Mel. Danny gets really pissed, and the boys try to calm him down. Neh tells us that fighting locals is the stupidest thing you can do. Dood, especially when you're one punch away from brain damage, and trust me, Danny, that melon of yours is a mammoth target for some Costa Rican street urchin with rage issues and a hatred of Americans. Danny starts yelling at Neh, pissed that Neh won't back him up here but that he'll fight all he wants in Austin. Neh tells him to "shut up." Danny gets mad. Neh tells us that Danny has no respect "here" and that "it sucks."
Restaurant. Danny and Neh sit at the bar. Neh tries to tell him that the guy only looked at Mel, which is going to happen all the time. Danny says he knows, pointing at Mel, who sits at a table; he whines about having a hot girlfriend and how everyone looks at her all the time. Wah! Danny starts going off on how guys look at him like he doesn't deserve her, and that it makes him crazy. Well, he doesn't, but that's beside the point. Or that's exactly the point. Or something. He and Mel will both figure that out one day, nevertheless. Neh tells Danny he can't "go off" here, just like he can't on Sixth Street. Perhaps Neh is gently trying to remind Danny that maybe he shouldn't provoke guys if he's such a Glassjaw that it only takes one punch to almost kill him. Danny rubs his caved-in head, reflecting. Neh then camera-talks, his hair suddenly all crazy long, breaking it down truth-style: Mel is the type of girl Danny has always put on a pedestal; he thinks he's a level below her, and that's why he's so insecure. Smartest thing Neh has said all season.
Morning. Beach. Mel and Danny walk on the beach and hug. She tells us that being in "paradise" with someone she loves and adores is a first for her, and that she really enjoys it. Deep. I wish she were in Taradise instead. That would be a whole lot whorier. Danny camera-talks, a ridiculous do-rag over his alarmingly gigantic dome, keeping the shattered pieces together. He tells us that this is like something out of a "storybook." 1) What is a "storybook," exactly? Why not just a "book"? And 2) Stop lying, Danny. You've never read a book. He and Mel sit on a log. Heh. "Log."
Water. Mountain. Monkey. Short bus. The kids head out to a Canopy Tour. Everyone looks miserable. Mel's boobs bounce, illustrating the topography of Costa Rica's highway system. Wes announces that he'd be enjoying this a lot more if he wasn't so hung-over.
As the short bus arrives, Lacey tells us that you go from treetop to treetop on ziplines. A tour guide gives a canned speech. They have to sign papers. Monkeys. They climb wooden stairs up to a high platform in a high tree. Mel camera-whores that she's afraid of heights. Up top, Danny gives her a pep talk. The kids scream, gliding down the ziplines. Neh asks how much better life can get. It does look fun. Locals grope the girls as they land on the adjacent tree-platforms. Monkey. Mel is scared but does the zipline anyway. Wow, that's the big drama? More ziplining. The kids have to slide down on a cable when it's over. Mel is a little freaked, but she's very good-natured about it and laughs. Danny camera-talks that he's proud of Mel for getting over her fear. Down below, they eat watermelon.
Vulture. Monkeys. A crab.
Hotel. Danny and his felt hat talk to Neh and Wes about how he wants to stay there for the night, and that it's dumb to go to Costa Rica just to go out to shitty bars and do the same thing they do back home. Afterward, Wes asks Neh what Danny's deal is. Neh once again shows he has Danny's number: "He doesn't want Mel talking to other guys. That's the truth behind it." Wes thinks Danny needs therapy. And skull surgery.
Empty restaurant. Mel and Danny have the most boring meal ever, endlessly going over Danny's decision to stay back and how the guys think Mel is just doing it because of Danny (which she is). Danny camera-whines that Wes doesn't "respect" him if Danny doesn't go out. Ooh, not to have the respect of idiot Wes! The horror! Danny adds that Neh doesn't want to hang with him if he doesn't go out and try to "cheat" on Mel. He bitches on about why the boys have to make him feel bad if he doesn't want to do exactly what they want to do. Mel looks so bored. She tells Danny not to let it bother him so much.
Kidnap Road, Costa Rica. The kids drunkenly walk, talking shit about Danny and poor Mel who wanted to go out with them tonight. Rachel thinks Mel is codependent. Wes thinks Danny is insecure.
They arrive at the Monkey Bar. Commercials.
Animal. Lizard. Tree. Short bus. Wes says he's having a great time. Everyone looks tired. Wes talks about how great it is to see the countryside and soak it all in...while we see him actually sleeping on the bus, missing all the countryside. Funny.
Beach. Pelican. Surf Camp. Lacey tells us she's scared of the water. A surf instructor tells them, "Unless you're ready to change your life, don't go surfing." Um...what? The kids carry surfboards out to the water. Lacey's pale skin blinds me as she also camera-talks about not being able to swim. Again.
Beach. Surf lessons on the beach. Wes camera-talks that the lessons are awesome and that he's paying attention, but that it's a lot harder than they made it sound.
Surfing montage! Woohoo! Wes wipes out. Rachel falls. Danny falls, splitting his head open on coral. He's dead. No, actually, he's surfing with his hat on. I really hope an eel stings him and then steals that fucking hat. Rachel falls again. Wes falls into the camera. Neh falls. Lacey falls. Lacey falls. Neh camera-talks that he got the hang of it and ended up loving surfing. Mel's boobs fall out again. Lacey falls again. She camera-talks about wiping out, whining that it's not fun, and as we see the others do successful runs, Lacey gives up and throws her board down onto the sand.
Night. The kids eat and drink at a restaurant, all talking. Wes camera-royals that in the middle of dinner, Lacey announced that Wes looks like Prince Harry. Wes tells us that he kinda sees it. The Boys With Avids get loopy one night while cutting this episode at 3 in the morning in their offices at the Sherman Oaks Galleria; someone clearly used to work at Blind Date because they put a CGI crown on Wes with a trumpet noise. Eh. They do a few still shots of Wes like this. Cute. Now get back to work. Wes says that they devised a "scam" wherein they'll all try to make girls at some bar think that Wes is actually Prince Harry. Wes is making all sorts of plans with the others. Wes then camera-morons that it "ended up" being a bad idea but that they tried it anyway. No, it didn't "end up" being a bad idea. It started out being one.
Another bar with "Monkey" in Its name. This one is outdoors, by a pool. Wes is hiding his face, saying, "Paparazzi" in his less-than-half-hearteded attempt at a British accent. We describes, and we unfortunately see, how Danny and Neh take it seriously, pretending to be bodyguards and faking like they have earpieces and patting people down and making people kiss Wes's ring and bow. The girls are disgusted, but I guess some idiots are fooled and talk to Wes, asking him questions. Wes camera-marvels that a whole lot of Americans actually thought he was the Prince of England..."with a Kansas accent." Ha. At the bar, some girl says she thinks Prince Harry is cute. Uh, maybe the real one.
So Wes is surrounded by girls and he makes a toast and Mel and Danny are a little ways off, watching. Mel says, "Wow. These girls are desperate." Homegirl better buy herself a mirror...And then look into it...And then realize that she could have directed that comment to herself...You know, in the mirror. Anyway. I guess Drunken Danny is giving her a hard time because he says that she loves Prince William, and that if he were there, she would be doing the same thing. Mel wearily and warily says that Prince William is a good-looking guy, yes. She stutters to her unstable and volatile man that she's sure there are celebrities that he finds attractive. Danny slurs, "Would you bang Prince William?" Mel asks, "If I was single?" And then she nods. Danny turns away and Mel smiles and realizes he's serious and grabs him and says, "Oh my God, Danny. Stop it." "Don't ever tell me you'd bang another guy," psychos Danny into Mel's ear. He says he's leaving as she tells him this is stupid. Danny starts referring to some guy on the upper level who was probably talking to her earlier. She interrupts him, asking him why he's trying to ruin this vacation with stuff like this. "Go bang your guy, Mel," Danny says. So Mel retorts, "Okay. I'll get on him right now." Then Danny says, "It's over. It's over," and walks away. Lord. Mel camera-talks to us, saying that she's said dumb, drunken things to Danny before (yeah, like, "Sure, I'll date you, Danny"), but that she's never said that she didn't want to be with him.
Danny tells Wes, "Done. It's done," making an off-with-his-head motion with his hand, which is actually appropriate given that he's talking to the Prince of England. Wes is confused, and Danny slurs that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore or ruin the evening. Too late. You ruined mine and I've never even met you.
Mel sits with Johanna, telling her matter-of-factly that Danny broke up with her. Mel camera-talks that it makes her want to put up walls and protect herself because she doesn't want to be vulnerable to anyone anymore who could break her heart.
Danny walks home alone with a beer. Oh, how this show makes me weary. Commercials.
Morning. Beach. Birds. Danny has a bedside chat with Wes, telling him that he thinks he and Mel had a fight last night. This is intercut with Danny's gigantic be-do-ragged head telling us that he did "the most stupid thing in the world" last night. Sleepy Wes informs Danny about breaking up with Mel and the fight over Prince William, none of which Danny remembers. I'm no twelve-step expert, but I do believe "Breaking up with your girlfriend because she thinks the Prince of England is cute" might be a sign of a drinking problem. Wes camera-pimples about how "stupid" and "retarded" Danny gets when he's drunk. Danny gets faux-mad at Wes for having brought up the royals at all last night, and heads down to the beach.
Beach. Mel, Rachel, and Lacey eat breakfast at an outside joint. Mel camera-dumps that it's up to Danny to say something. Danny glumly sits down with the glum girls and they have a silent, glum time. Danny camera-heads some nonsense about what can you say when you break up with someone while drunk? Uh, how about: "I need help. Do you know where a meeting is?" Danny walks off down the beach and the girls all start talking and Mel goes into hyper-codependent mode and says, "I know he didn't mean it. I know it was just stupid." Mel shovels a whole bunch of pork into her mouth. Substitute pork. Rachel makes a dumb joke.
Two parrots fight in a tree.
Water. Danny sits slumped on the balcony. He voice-overs that he's staying away from Mel because he acted dumb and hurt the one person who meant the most to him. Yes, that's a great plan. Ignore her because it's awkward to apologize. Well, Mel falls for it, because she's the one who comes out to talk to him. Danny says that he fucked up and she's heard it a million times and he doesn't remember anything from last night. Mel tells him she knows it was a stupid fight, and that "the only thing that bothered" her is that he broke up with her. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that is a little bothersome. Danny is all hanging his head on the table. What a maroon. He should never talk about being a man and sacking up again. In fact, just for what a douchebag puss-boy he's being, the guy who caved in his face should get to take another swing at him. For the whole male gender. Again, Danny says he doesn't remember it, and then asks where can he go from here, passive-aggressively saying he's sure this is irreparable, right? Mel is crying a little, saying that she thinks there's a certain way he wants her to act and that if she doesn't act that way he gets mad. Danny says his dumb thing about walking beside her and every guy turns around and he feels he's not good enough for her. She says that they already talked about this (YES, THEY DID!). Mel camera-talks that she doesn't know where Danny's insecurities stem from -- that he has so much going on, and that it hurts her that he doesn't realize that. Wow, Danny is good. He's somehow now made her feel bad for him. Brill, Danny. Brill. Danny says that normally he'd just "walk away" from Mel's giant boobs and always-open legs, but that he doesn't want to lose her. He apologizes and says he wants to fix it. She says it'll be all right, and that she just needs a little bit of healing time. Jesus, Mel really is the perfect girl. Danny is a first-class hoser if he loses her. (Sure, she has no self-respect, but hey, that can be a good thing!)
River. Short bus. The kids are going whitewater kayaking. An instructor with Bozo hair gives them instructions and then makes a funny-snide comment to Lacey when she asks will it hurt if you fall out and hit a rock? He says that no, they have soft rocks in Costa Rica. As the kids start partnering up and getting in their kayaks, Lacey camera-talks that with her fear of the water, she's glad she's getting to go with one of the guides. I bet he's not.
Kayaking. Kayaking. Kayaing-cam! Johanna and Wes almost fall out. Wes laughs. Lacey tells us she's glad she got over her fear. And the kayaking is over. Wow, well, that was...dramatic?
Is it strange that I'm starting to like Wes? (Well, not like that.) You know what I mean. Gah!
Beach. Water. Waves. Rocks. Danny and Mel stand on the balcony getting all schmoopy, and it's kinda grossing me out. He tells her to look down, and then kisses her ear; she calls him "sneaky." More kissing and stupid shit and Mel camera-talks about how great Danny is and how much she VOMITS! him and Danny camera-talks that he hopes over time she learns to trust him and that he never wants to hurt her. Whoa, Danny is sweating like a pig in these confessionals. I'm sure it's pure agave coming out of his pores. Mel calls him sneaky once more.
They leave. Get on the short bus. We actually get a montage of this boring-ass trip. Rope-swinging. Monkeys. Wes buried in the sand. Unfortunately, they let him out. Girls standing by their boards. Boys in the pool. Danny lifting Mel in the water. Boys dressed like a Dockers commercial, standing on the beach. Mohawked Dannny camera-talking that vacations come to an end and that there is a lot more to see in C.R. and he wishes he didn't have to leave.
Airport. They board. (I bored.) The song continues. Plane. Out.
...ah, I think the hate of Wes will be back in full force. Wren whines to Wes, "I don't want to make babies." Wes tells us that Wren doesn't want to "open up to [him] sexually." So then Wes makes out with Johanna, just to make Wren jealous. Sure. Neh shows Doc Dork David the editing work, and then tells us that David wasn't too happy with his work. No shit. Wes picks up the phone to get a recorded voice saying they have a collect call from an inmate in the Travis County Jail. Yikes, did Johanna rob another bum? And that it. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! Or whatever.