Danny rests his caved-in head in Mel's lap as they talk about Danny's last shitty break-up, and he says more shit about his having a hahd time trusting a girl ever again. But finally the back-and-forth relationship bullshit voodoo that they do evolves into Danny asking Melinda to be his "girlfriend." Squeeeeeee! SXSW begins as the kids start to film their three bands for their "job." The job has a penalty: if they don't have a rough cut in on time, they don't get to go on the usual B/M trip. Harsh. The group films band Enon, while Mel is off getting drunk and Neh is preemptively bitching about the others' non-professionalism. They move onto the band Halifax, and Danny and Wes decide that they need to start drinking with the band. They all hit a bar, which pisses Neh off even more. Mel starts getting drunkenly friendly, in front of Danny, with the toolish Halifax guys and Danny gets really upset. Neh confronts Wes and Danny about the drinking with the band; Wes and Danny don't really care. Danny and Mel make up...but then don't! Lacey snoops once again and blabs to Johanna about Mel's Danny-centric conversation with a friend. Mel apologizes to Danny and says she wants to be with him until the day she dies. Whoa -- is she about to die?
Things that are going on that are more exciting than this show: the baseball playoffs. The leaves are starting to turn. My cat needs combing. A few new fall shows are actually pretty good. TomKat has miraculously spawned, which will no doubt prove hilarious for years to come. Oh, and George Clooney is coming out with a new movie-slash-opportunity to once again prove that he is the best American (nay, person) ever with all the old-timey values we seem to have lost as a country, doing so in order to somehow both earn the love of his father he never felt he deserved, and to karmically atone for all the fresh-off-the-bus poontang he picks up and ruins every single weekend. All of which: more exciting that this show. And because I am not the best person in America, you have to watch the "Previously..." on your own.
Sun. Austin. Warehouse. Danny sleeps with his head on Mel's boob. Mel asks what Danny's thinking about, and Danny's caved-in skull replies that he doesn't want to hurt her because he's been messed over in relationships in the past and he never thought he'd be in another one but he's liking it and that scares the hell out of him. Mel's like, "Dude. I was just asking to be polite." Danny camera-talks that his girlfriend back home fucked him over and he's scared. Man, relax, puss-boy. Girls aren't scary. You know what's scary? Spiders. And clowns. And those tiny fake corn on the cobs they put in salads sometimes. Ooh, and Teri Hatcher. She frightens the shit out of me. Mel replies that she doesn't want to hold Danny back. Danny whispers that it's really hard to trust a girl again in a relationship, but that Melinda deserves it. (No wonder he's whispering. He's hoping the mics won't pick up what he's saying, because goddamn his friends back home are going to wicked tease his ass about it.) Mel says it's weird, and that she never expected to have these feelings about anyone; Danny says he didn't either. Wow, are all relationship talks this fucking boring? No wonder we do them in private, because, like, yawn-the-fuck.
Mel camera-talks that she and Danny were having this conversation and "it" just kind of came up (dirty), and Danny asked her to be his girlfriend. Oy. Mel squees up her shoulders and turns red and says that she's really happy, "like a little schoolgirl." Yeah, one with giant whore boobs. Mel kisses Danny on the side of his head, causing it to cave in just a little more.
Austin. Austin. SXSW. Warehouse. Neh explains that they're all heading out to go meet with Film Guy to discuss their documentary.
Johanna voice-overs about SXSW and bands coming for exposure as we see shots of band registering and ugh. I've been in Austin during SXSW and there's nothing worse than the sight of a city full of cloney short-ish guys with dyed black hair wearing ripped t-shirts and Army jackets and Dickies, sporting bad tattoos, bumming smokes, unloading shit out of their rusted kidnapping vans, looking for seventeen-year-old fat girls with heavy eyeliner to infect with their harsh Minnesotian strain of chlamydia and convince to go hand out flyers for their Wednesday 6 PM slot at the Broken Spoke. (And no, a band dude didn't once steal my girlfriend. Okay, maybe.)
The gang finds Paul and Jenn and David, their film prof-dorks, who ask them about their plan for meeting up and interviewing the bands this week. Lacey camera-chins that they have a very "foggy plan of action." Their three bands are the not-at-all-MTV-mandated Halifax, Hellogoodbye, and Enon. Paul goes on to say that they have to have a rough cut ready in two weeks, and that their "trip" depends on it. Rachel then expounds on this theme, camera-sagging that if they don't have their rough cut in on time, they won't get to go on their trip, and she's going to make sure that doesn't happen even if she has to do all the work by herself. Yeah!
Austin. Austin. Ha -- a shot of a band unloading their shit from a kidnapper van. Told you. Cue the fat girl with eyeliner. Warehouse. Rachel, Wes, and Lacey work on plans for the night, for meeting one of the arriving bands at "The Parish." Lacey, loving nothing more than tattling -- well, okay, she loves spying a bit more -- announces that Mel is going out to dinner instead of hanging around, so they've given her a pager so that they can alert her when it's time to hook up with the band dorks. Lacey then camera-talks that Mel doesn't care about their job at all. You know, Lacey, nowadays you can get makeup permanently tattooed on. That way you wouldn't have to waste half a lipstick every time you film a confessional.
The happy couple walks down the street holding hands. Vomit! Mel camera-talks that she doesn't want to go interview Enon, because, she says, she doesn't care about interviewing Enon. That's some fantastic circular logic, kid. Why does your entire identity rely on having a man in your life? "Oh, I don't know. I guess because my entire identity relies on having a man in my life."
Restaurant. Danny and Melinda eat. I think my ex-girlfriend brings them their drinks. (A different one. Not the one who may or may not have been stolen from me by a dude in a band.) (But seriously, how can you be attracted to a guy who lives with his mom and wears black nail polish? Seriously.) Mel says that she's going to get drunk and will no doubt get her "ass chewed out." Ew, Mel. You don't need to tell us what you and Danny are going to do later. That's just gross. And unsanitary. When Melinda reveals that Lacey will be the one getting mad at her, Danny says, "Who cahes." Danny then cahmera-tahks about how great everything is going with Mel. Yeah, you guys have been officially dating now for, like, what? An afternoon. If it were already getting rocky, I'd think you guys were totally, fundamentally doomed. (Foreshadowing alert!) Danny says that Mel is going to be "hammahed" for her job later. They both giggle.
Lacey sits in the phone room trying catch someone in the toilet. One of the band douches from Enon calls; Lacey says the cast will meet them at The Parish. Good thing we had to watch that riveting conversation. Lacey then pages Mel.
Restaurant. Mel gets the page. She and Danny decide to keep eating and ignore the page. Lacey pages Mel again. She says she'll finish her glass of wine and then go. She and Danny both laugh, covering their mouths.
The kids show up at The Parish in order to film the band unloading their stuff. Man, I can't wait to see that documentary! I'm going to Netflix the shit right away! As Neh and Wes shoot, Lacey introduces herself to "Matt from Enon." He looks exactly like Emo Phillips. Neh camera-talks, "I don't like to put my name on anything that's horrible." Uh, your name is on this show, isn't it? Neh goes on to say that he's going to put a lot of effort into this "dock-a-mentary," even if no one else is going to. No one else is going to.
Restaurant. Mel and Danny drink on and decide just to pretend their pager never went off. Danny laughs, the brain swelling getting worse and worse ever second.
Alley. The band unloads their shit. The kids film.
Mel and Danny now walk, giggling that Mel is late and reeks of booze. She's "late"? Oh, no. Danny and Mel are going to have a baby!
Suddenly, the kids are filming the band in an underground garage, and as Lacey asks boring questions boringly, Neh camera-talks that Danny and Mel are late because they're busy, "smooching, and doing the dumb shit that they do." Hee. QUICK CUT TO:
Danny and Mel doing the dumb shit that they do. Danny pushes Mel to the ground in the middle of the sidewalk. They laugh and giggle. Danny climbs on top of her. Holy shit, Danny is going to rape Mel! Commercials.
So whereas it's been daylight this whole time, suddenly it's night, and whoa. Danny and Mel are really late. Danny camera-doods that they can't find Enon and that they want to go home, but that they realize they have a job to do. Mel brats that this is the worst job in the world! Yeah. I'm sure children being forced to work in the diamond mines of Sierra Leone are feeling really bad for you right now, Mel. Finally, Wes finds the drunks and leads them over to the parking garage.
Parking garage. Lacey asks another terrible question, which the band answers awkwardly. The band leaves, and Mel camera-drunks that the only person who seems mad at them for arriving late and toasted is Neh, but he's not saying anything to Mel and Danny.
Back out on the street, Danny and Mel smooch a little as Lacey and Neh start bitching about their lack of professionalism. You know, I think Lacey is just mad that someone is getting laid. Because it sure ain't her. As Danny hits Mel with the boom mic, Neh voice-overs the best line of the night: "Danny and Melinda are retarded." Oh, so her name isn't Melanie? Huh. I never knew.
Night. Cars. Sixth street. The Parish. Enon plays. The kids film as Neh voice-overs a commercial for the band, saying how unique and fresh and creative the band is. Yeah, I'm sure Neh has tons of their albums at home. And none of them being used right now as coasters. More playing. Mel claps listlessly.
After the show, outside, the kids get some terrible interview with people who were just watching the show. Charlie Rose, they are not. Although I'm sure Charlie Rose could drink them all under the table. Combined. (Seriously, have you seen his eyes? They're more glassy than the church in Oscar and Lucinda.) Rachel then announces that they've found Halifax and should go talk to them .
So as Wes and crew film, Rachel introduces herself to Halifax, who are exactly what I was talking about earlier. "Don't you look very punk rock?" says Rachel during the introductions, totally demeaning them. Hee. Wes asks the guys, like any good male hooker would, if they want to "party." Halifax is really psyched to party, and Danny camera-justifies that drinking with Halifax will totally get the guys' personalities to come out more. They briefly run into film-dork Paul -- who earlier warned them that they weren't allowed to drink during filming -- but nothing comes of the run-in, and they head off to commence the boozing.
Bar. Bar. Bar. Drinking. Wes films. More drinking. Danny loves drinking while working. He camera-talks about how they take their jobs seriously but not too seriously. Yes, we can see that.
Out on the street, the other kids tell Neh about Wes and Danny drinking with Halifax. Neh doesn't look happy, and tells us that Wes and Danny are being unprofessional.
Bar. "Another round!" tools one of the band guys. Jesus.
Neh arrives at the bar and quickly camera-talks that getting drunk with the band is not helpful; he walks back outside. Lacey follows him.
Warehouse. Lacey is still following Neh, talking the whole time. Lacey continues to talk serious shit, now babbling that Danny has never had a real job even though he'd claim doing construction for his dad was a real job, but that it can't be one if your boss is your pops. Man, that girl really just loves to hear herself speak. Neh bitches that he's never been out of the country, and that if the guys blow the trip for him just because they wanted to get drunk.... Lacey does a little physical comedy with the door and the key. Neh pushes past her. She's such an annoying little sister.
Editing room. Neh babbles about the trip and drinking and how he's going to "erupt." Just don't do it all over Lacey. She's never seen that and it might scare her.
Bar. Drinking. Mel does a little awkward seat-dancing with a Halifax guy standing nearby. Because that's what happens nowadays (and believe me, I'm all for it), people try to get Rachel and Mel to make out. Rachel demurs. Mel says that she's boring when she's sober. Rachel cuts back, "You're boring when you're not single." Rachel then camera-flabs that she misses the old Melinda who used to make out with girls and dance on bars, but that she can't do that stuff now because Danny doesn't like it "when his woman does those things."
Danny films, looking on awkwardly, as Melinda totally flirts with the Halifax guys, especially this one tool with a hoodie under his jacket. She's laughing and touching him all over, in front of Danny. Mel then camera-talks about how awesome the Halifax guys are and how they remind her of guys from her high school. In what way? Because they pretend to like you and you blow them at the end of the night? Danny then tells us that he'd like not to be the jealous type, but that it's hard to watch guys hitting on your girlfriend.
They're all out on the street dancing and acting a fool (well, not Danny, who is just doing a Deadwood-patented Mega-Clench)!
Street. Walking. Danny is filming and being cold as Melinda is telling Danny, "Don't do this!" She goes on to whine that she didn't do anything. She goes to Wes and bitches about Danny, and Wes camera-schmoos that Danny needs to get his confidence back and not bitch out when a guy hits on his girl. Now Mel is rubbing it in and totally walking with the band and laughing and touching them again, as Johanna walks a ways off with Danny. Johanna tries to tell Danny how much Mel likes him. (Oh, VOMITTWICE! Of course she does. We've had to fucking watch it for months.) But Danny tells Johanna that he doesn't want to hear it, going off on a tirade about how could she claim to love him so but then hang all over these "punk" guys as soon as they show up? More shots of Mel laughing with and touching the guys as Danny bitches, "Liah. Wasting my time." The great thing is that one of the Halifax guys is walking directly behind Danny, totally listening to him bitch. I guess Danny forgot about them. And also, you know, all the cameras.
Warehouse. Y'all ready for some stupid-ass shit? Because I think we're about to get some. Danny and Melinda walk through the house and Danny tells Mel not to tell him how much she likes him and she says she wasn't about to and he says, "Good, because it's a bullshit lie." He walks off. Mel starts crying. Commercials.
Austin. Warehouse. Neh bitches to Lacey and Johanna about Danny and Wes trying to build a rapport, but this is a documentary and they don't really have to build rapport. Neh says that this is about their trip, and Johanna suggests that he should hold a meeting and tell them his feelings. Johanna thinks it shouldn't turn into a fight. Neh tells her that everything turns into a fight. Um, isn't that the point of this show? It could even be the series title: Everything Turns Into A Fight.
Neh, wearing one of those newish weird messenger bag-slash-backpack-slash-man purses, walks down the street with Danny and Wes. In what I guess is his version of a "meeting," he just casually tells Wes that he and Danny are two of the most "unprofessional bastards" he's ever met. Good meeting, Neh. Is someone taking minutes? Wes asks what he means, and Neh explains that they treated Enon like shit but then treated Halifax like they were all homies. Wes tries to defend himself, but Neh busts them on the drinking thing and tells them that they should have let Halifax go have a beer while they documented it. It's a good point. I guess Wes and Danny aren't really clear on the whole concept of "documentary." If Wes and Danny had done March of the Penguins, they would have been courting the penguin-ladies themselves. Neh then camera-talks that the guys said that they only had one beer, which he knows is a lie. The walking continues, and Wes camera-tools that they have a lot of "partying to be done" and that, in his opinion it takes precedent over "this stupid documentary." Wow. That's...wow. Wes suddenly sucks even more than I already thought. How is that possible? They conveniently stand in front of sponsor Chipotle, arguing, until Danny and Wes go in to get burritos and Neh walks off, all of them cursing at each other. Heh.
Day. Birds. Tower. Bird. Windmill? Cactus. Warehouse. Boobs. Mel walks around in a bikini top, and she and Danny meet in the kitchen, both putting away dishes. Mel then camera-hoots that she and Danny have their drunken fights (like Barfly!), and that it's because they don't yet know what "buttons" to "tiptoe" around. She goes on to say that she didn't know hanging out with Halifax would be a big deal to Danny. She hugs him and whispers to his big stupid hat, "I want you to just love me and not be mad at me." Another good title for this show. Danny says that saying what he did the other day (girlfriend stuff?) was really hahd for him, and then for her to jump on bars immediately after that and hang all over other dudes pissed him off. Mel says that she loves him, and why would she then fuck it up. Huh? She goes on, doing that desperate pleading thing that she does where she grabs Danny's hand and talks close to his face, her Wisconsin accent going nuts. "I haven't jumped on bars since then," she says, which is really very, very funny in her accent. Danny says that she should do what she wants to do because if not doing that is her being fake, he doesn't want her. And in the Best Camera Work Ever, as Mel grabs his arm higher and pleads, "It's not me being fake," they rack in (pun intended) on her giant boobs pouring out of her too-small bikini. Gold star, sirs! Excellent work. Mel goes on, sort of digging a hole, saying that relationships take "sacrifice" and that it's something she's willing to do. The fuck? Danny quickly says, "So it's hard for you not to, like, flirt with guys and jump on bars and hang all over band members and stuff like that." Mel says she was just being "friendly," and Danny says, "'Friendly'? Well, then, I'd love to be your friend," and walks off. Heeeeeeeeeeeee.
Fish. Fish. Mel lies in bed as Katie, a "friend," sits on the bed. Poor girl, thought she was going to come over and drink and get on camera and maybe shoot some pool, but she ends up having to listen to this shit from Mel. Mel says that if there's one person she could just kiss for the rest of her life, it would be Danny. Goddamn, someone grab Katie a bucket, because I think she's going to spew, having to listen to that shit. Katie says that until Danny "feels" it, he's not going to trust it. Mel says that Danny isn't confident enough, and that she can't make him be that way.
So -- and this is truly great -- we see Lacey sitting just outside Mel's room, totally fucking listening to this whole thing. What a fucking snoop. Neh is there too, but he's legitimately reading. Lacey is just sitting on the edge of that giant stupid round couch/bed, picking her nails and listening.
Mel goes on to say that Katie even knows how strong Mel's feelings are for Danny. Dude, we all do. Katie says he doesn't feel it because he's been hurt before. Mel says it hurts that he doesn't trust her like she trusts him. (Yeah, right! Just like how you showed up and confronted him for talking to other girls at the bar recently? Short memory.) Mel says she would give up anything to be with Danny right now. Katie replies, "Then just let him think he's right."
So outside the room, this comment pisses Lacey off something fierce. Lacey turns to the not-listening-to-her Neh and says, "That's bullshit Little House on the Praire talk." She repeats what Katie said, saying that Katie is "fucked up," as she wanders into the bathroom to find Johanna. Lacey promptly repeats everything to Johanna, who just laughs. Lacey has to include her Little House line to Johanna because it's just that goddamn choice. Lacey continues bitching. "If you love him you'll let him abuse you," she paraphrases. Jesus Christ, someone needs to fuck Lacey right now.
Austin. Night. Clouds. Trees. Water. A car. Bedroom. Danny is back on Mel's bed and she announces that she's had a talk with Katie and that she's sorry. She goes on, taking Katie's advice, it seems, to say that she wasn't looking at what she did the other night from Danny's caved-in-skull perspective. She says some convoluted shit about how she can see from his point of view that it might look like she's doing "it" just to make him mad and somehow fulfill is non-trusting opinion of her. Or something. He agrees. She goes on to say that she's sorry and that she'll never do that again. They snuggle as Mel camera-deludes that she thinks the more Danny trusts her, the less jealous he'll be, adding that she really doesn't think his jealousy is that out-of-control, but that there are certain ways of behaving he expects his girlfriends to do. Then she says something about "norm," and I'm not sure if she's talking about Norm MacDonald, but I wish she were, because he's funny. I love to say "anal rape" as a punchline. Danny then goes all whispery, saying, "I do trust you. But I still wouldn't want what happened last night to ever happen again." Creepy, with the whispering. So then Mel says some crazy shit: "I love you and I want to be with you until the day I die." Quoi?! The fuck. The great thing is that while she says it, Danny says, "Shh..." instantly wondering what the crap he's gotten himself into. Too late, holmes. Too late.
...most of the gang is in the editing room and Rachel is mad. Wes explains that Lacey got caught on some of the videotaped footage they're editing, talking shit behind Rachel's back. Rachel says she's going to confront Lacey because she's just that mad about it. Lacey, meanwhile, is on the phone saying, about something, "Just shut up, Rachel. Shut up." Ooh, that's going to be good...ish. Later!