Johanna is still not attracted to Wes. Neither is the world. And though Johanna likes Leo, she doesn't feel that thing with him...but then maybe she does after he picks her up from jail. That always makes a girl go all gooey inside. But then, Johanna realizes Leo is dating some blondie, and Johanna gets pissed off. (Just an observation: with all the scaffolding these kids are constantly drunk-walking under, is all of downtown Austin under construction? Seriously.) Wes tries to give Johanna advice, despite loving the girl. Poor pasty-face. Rachel and Johanna walk home while eating wieners. Then Leo comes over and makes out with Johanna as Lacey watches on TV. (Don't ask.) Meanwhile, Wes skulks around the house, sad and snooping. We learn that Johanna is a screamer during sex and she starts digging on Leo more because he says dirty things to her. Wes is sad and takes it out on office supplies and then on a plastic chair. In retaliation for Wes's property-destroying tantrum, Mel throws Wes's clothes into the pool. By comparison, Leo brings Johanna a box of wieners and they have a charming water fight and keep Lacey up with their giggly non-sex. Suddenly, when Johanna lets her guard down and starts to like Leo, he stops calling her. They have a fight at the Dizzy Rooster, and Johanna and Rachel walk home, weinerless. Johanna weeps, and Wes is there with a ghostly shoulder for her to cry on.
Previously on The Real World, Johanna told us that she has no chemistry with Wes. Then she told us she doesn't have chemistry with Leo either. Damn, girl has less chemistry than...me in eleventh grade! Because that year I took physics! Ha...Eh. Johanna got arrested for robbing a bum. Leo picked her up, and Johanna camera-talked that this showed her that Leo really cared and maybe fanned a few flames of desire (my words, not hers -- she ain't got them purty words). Leo has finally picked up on something I've known for years: when you post bail for a chick, it gets her totally hot. Steal a chick's car back from the repo man: Anal. Never fails.
Opening credits. Mel shakes her boobs. When does she not? Johanna over-tans. Neh wears his big dumb necklace. Someone defaces a guitar with a branding iron.
Austin. Night. Dizzy Rooster. Johanna and Mel drink. Johanna tells us that she had a "wall" up when it came to Leo, but that she doesn't now, because of the whole jail thing. Wes stands by the table for a second, but no one talks to him, so he ghosts away. Poor Dutch Boy. Mel asks Johanna what's wrong, and Johanna stares at some cute blonde girl at the bar and then camera-headbands that Leo has apparently also been dating this girl Courtney and never mentioned it to Johanna. If they don't stop writing "Johanna's Crush" every time they show Leo, I'm going to kick someone in the balls. And I don't care who.
Johanna makes Mel walk home with her as she tells us that she's mad at herself for allowing herself to have feelings for Leo, and that she'll just deal with this; she knows she brought it all on herself. Mel tries to make Johanna feel better, and we realize that Johanna wanted Leo to have someone else he was into, but now that it's happening, she doesn't like it. Or something like that. I'm too busy wondering why Johanna's dressed like she's from an Olivia Newton-John video. Mel asks if Johanna wants a guy who "wants" to be a relationship, and Johanna fake-pukes, wondering what's wrong with people who like relationships. Aw, sad Mel. Mel immediately takes offense and says, "Okay, I'm one of those people, you little bitch." Johanna laughs and asks her what's wrong with Mel, then? What's wrong with her is that she is in love with a guy with a caved-in skull. (Holy shit! I just realized that I had a dream last night that I ran into something or got punched and my eye was all fucked up just like Danny and I was never going to look the same and in the dream I remember noting to myself that one of the smaller pieces of fallout was going to be that I wouldn't really be able to poke fun at Danny's accident anymore. Whew. Thank God I don't actually have to stop.) Johanna lets out a frustrated scream, and I would worry, but I'm sure a scream in downtown Austin at 3 in the morning doesn't even elicit a passing glance. Unless it's from a bum reporting flower theft. Mel camera-whores that she thinks Johanna likes to wear the "pants" in a relationship, and that she's mad now because the "ball" isn't in her court. Man, Mel really needs to stop thinking about Danny's testicles when she's trying to do her confessionals. Johanna now tells Mel that she's stubborn, and Mel interrupts to say that she thinks Johanna just wants what she can't have, and that Johanna's fiery nature makes her say, "I can have it if I want to." Mel laughs, amazed at what a pisser Johanna is. Wicked pissah.
The girls stumble home, and Johanna leans on Wes's pasty shoulder and starts bitching about Leo, and then Wes camera-ghosts, oddly projecting and sympathizing with Leo for having a girlfriend and Johanna to juggle. Johanna hugs Wes and babbles about not knowing what to do, and Wes doesn't understand how she doesn't already have what she wants: "A kissing buddy." Johanna doesn't contradict him. Jesus, girls are stupid. (So are boys! So are boys. Relax. So are dogs, by the way. Much dumber than both. But better at fetching. In most cases.) Wes continues to bust Johanna on the Paradox of Johanna's Feelings Toward Leo, pointing out that Wes is two years younger than she is, but that he's acting more mature about relationships than she is. Well, let's not get crazy, now. Poor Wes continues to have to listen to this bullshit from Johanna, the girl of his dreams, as she babbles on about how Leo might think she thinks of him as a toy with whom she can just make out whenever -- and Johanna says that's exactly what she wants, but that her intuitions are telling her to "go somewhere else with it." I have not a flying fuck of an idea what she's talking about. Nice editing, champs.
Day. Austin. Um, didn't these people have, like, a job at one point? Now it's night again, and they're all back at that stupidly-named dirty Sixth Street frat bar, and Johanna tells us that she's trying to avoid Leo, while we see her doing the exact opposite. They talk, and Johanna pulls him onto the dance floor because she's never seen him dance, and they go to join the two solo losers dancing in baseball hats on the floor, but Leo wriggles away like the smart man he is. Johanna then tells us that it gets her all hot whenever Leo plays hard-to-get and makes her want to kiss him. They cuddle, and Johanna brings up the Courtney thing, "teasing" him, and they do a bad Meisner repetition exercise for a while until Wes comes up and says that their ride is coming in four minutes. Johanna calls him "a hater." Or maybe she calls him "a tater," which is actually pretty fitting for Wes, complexion-wise.
Wiener stand. Rachel and Johanna get drunk wieners and walk home. Johanna reveals that Leo is coming over and that she's going to now "have to" make out with him for the twenty hours. Rachel husks that Johanna and Leo should "have sex" for the twenty hours. Who does she think Leo is, Sting? (Aw, fuck yeah. How's that for some topical comedy, baby?) Rachel camera-talks that Leo really likes Johanna and seems to have good intentions. Sure, he wants to get good and fucked.
Leo comes over. "Are you all ready to go?" asks Johanna, and then she takes him to the big bean bag chairs in the pool room and he climbs on top of her and we have to see jeaned man ass and Johanna yells for him not to "bitch out" and she starts voice-overing that the Leo with her that night is being fun and aggressive and he's saying things he normally wouldn't say and she likes it.
But yuck, suddenly we see Lacey in the phone room talking to her boyfriend and she's watching the make-out session via closed-circuit TV. She tells us that she often switches channels to see what her roommates are doing, and that she's seen a lot that she never thought she'd see. Wow. What a perv. Ryan tells her to behave herself.
Meanwhile, the kissing continues.
Wes sits alone, sad.
Lacey continues her pervy ways, and reports to Ryan that Leo and Johanna just threw a blanket over themselves, referring to that as "second base." Yes, Lacey. Blanket equals second base. And if there is a pillow involved, that's third base. What's a home run, you ask? Fisting.
More making out under the covers. More Wes sad. More making out. Wes throws a basketball. Leo tells Johanna that he doesn't want any "attitude." I'm not sure what that means. Wes watches from the other room and voice-overs that some day Leo will fuck up and not know how to deal with Johanna, and then Wes will be there. Man. Everyone is way fucked up, up in this piece. Commercials.
Johanna talks to her friend on the phone and reports that the TV was set to film the room where she and "frickin' Leo" were making out. Johanna just laughs about it, though. Now she camera-talks, her Blade Runner hair in full effect, about how she didn't have sex with Leo last night, and that if she did, everyone would know it because she's a "big screamer." Yeah, she'd scream, "I frickin' love that, you loser! Now go get me a wiener. No, the other kind!" Johanna tells her friend that Leo was "naughty" last night, and that she liked it. Her friend is clearly, like, "TMI!" because she gives Johanna tepid advice about how it's nice for her to know that he has a wild side, ending everything she says with an uncomfortable question mark. Clearly, the girl wants to get off the phone with Freaky Joey right away. They laugh.
Night. Austin. Stupid bar. Johanna tells Leo to "shut the fuck up" as she's telling us how much she likes Leo, because he has the wild side, etc. etc. Johanna then invites him over in that "You know...whatever, if you want to..." way, and then they make out, mouths stretching open wide to swallow each other whole for the cameras. Wes watches, sad. Hee. I wish the whole show could just be shit happening and then Wes watching, sad. He makes such a great cut-away. More making out. Then, yes! More sad Wes. Hee.
Warehouse. Big Tex. Wes sits at the desk -- hey, where's Mel? -- and starts throwing plastic bottles across the room. Then, in a fast-motion scene of bizarro-ness, Wes starts inspecting item after item in the desk drawers, and then throwing each one across the room. Wes mopes downstairs and then -- and the damn camera-people pretty much miss the shot -- he chucks one of the plastic chairs into the pool. What a maroon.
Later (or the day). Danny -- hi, Danny! -- swings in one of the swing-chairs as Neh wonders who threw the chair into the pool. Then the girls begin to realize that someone has thrown around their toiletries and sheets and clothes and stuff, and then they realize that Wes was the only one home. Mel and Rachel run into the phone room, where Wes is on the phone having, I'm sure, kicked Lacey out and prevented her from watching Neh shower. They hang up the phone, asking him what his problem is. Then the girls run into Wes's bedroom and, with Neh egging her on, Mel grabs Wes's clothes and sheets and throws them into the pool. Neh jumps up and down, loving that shit so much, as Rachel camera-flabs about how proud she is of Mel. Mel stirs the clothes around with her leg. Well, it is about as close as Wes has gotten to having any girl touch the inside of his pants. Neh rejoices as Lacey watches, a judgmental look on her face, as usual. Wes comes downstairs and starts chasing Mel with a long tube. Mel usually likes being chased by boys with long things sticking out, but in this case, she runs. I don't blame her. Just the idea of that ashy, pale ghost tool...bleh.
Wes retrieves the chair from inside the pool as the doorbell rings. It's Leo. Lacey is immediately there hugging him and claiming that they tried to call him. Wes camera-talks, to his credit, saying that Leo is a really classy guy and that as much as he'd like to talk shit about the cat, he really can't. Lacey then camera-meddles that Leo has brought over a box of bratwursts as an homage to how every time Johanna gets drunk (read: every night), she likes to stop at the wiener stand and buy a wiener and "shove it down her throat." I'll leave that one alone. (Too bad Johanna won't a little later.) Lacey thinks it's funny and gross. Leo goes to wake up the sleeping Johanna, who rolls over, bratting that she doesn't want his "stupid little hot dogs." Heh.
Johanna then appears in the kitchen and grabs a brat with her fingers and starts grubbing, onions and shit falling off it. Really gross. Then the two are cuddling over a wiener on the couch and then Johanna spills water on Leo, for some reason. This turns into a water fight around the kitchen as Johanna camera-talks that she and Leo are getting along tonight and flirting, and she feels like they could take the relationship to the level. The one where he spits tap water in between her boobs.
Now Johanna invites Leo into her bed, and the childish teasing and flirting continue. Lacey says that she's going to go sleep in the living room. But they tell her to stay, joking that it's so that they can have a threesome. Lacey now totally shows herself for being a fucking liar as she camera-talks about how she doesn't really feel like being an audience for "that type of Olympic activity" (I think she might have an inaccurate view of the Olympic games, but anyway...), but then she decides to stay! Giggling and making out continue as Lacey tries to watch, smiling. Leo then yells over, "Earmuffs, Lacey! Earmuffs!" Heh. He said "muff." Commercials.
Day. Austin. Grackle. Johanna brings the sleeping Leo some coffee. Good woman. Lacey is still in bed. Johanna is leaving to get her nails done and keeps trying to tell Leo to leave, but he's not getting the hint. She camera-rudes that she'd like him to go, but that he's being thick, so she finally bails, leaving Leo to alone fuck Lacey. Heh. And ew.
Statues. Statues. Street. Mel and Johanna stand on the street waiting to pick up some tricks. Mel asks whether Johanna and Leo fooled around last night. Johanna laughs, and then Mel camera-sluts that whenever someone asks her if she hooked up with someone and she did, she just gets a cheesy grin on her face. Oh, you mean the look you have all the time? Oh. Oh. That makes sense. She says that Johanna has the same look right now. Johanna starts getting mad that she's falling for Leo. She doesn't know why she lets herself do this.
Back at the house, Leo is done fucking Lacey and leaves. Lacey then camera-talks, because this isn't any of her business whatsoever, that Leo and Johanna left on "weird terms" that morning, and that everything is awkward. Well, bitch stepped out to get her nails done and left her boy tool to chill in the crap IKEA bed to Lacey's meddling moon face. What's awkward about that? Oh, right. Everything. So Lacey immediately calls her boyfriend and tells him the story, saying that it was weird because Johanna and Leo hooked up and Johanna didn't even hug him when she left. Yes, because not everyone is as fucking sappy as you are, Cagney. Boyfriend says the same thing.
Night. Bats. Austin. Rachel and Johanna sit on the couch; Johanna is wondering why Leo hasn't called her back. She's really frustrated because now she likes Leo and let her guard down (read: legs open) and this is what happened.
Night. Sixth Street. The girls head to the shit bar. Johanna stops to put on lip gloss, vowing to "ignore the shit out of" Leo. Good plan, the best first step of which is to go where he is.
Bar. The girls are dancing on the bar. Johanna says she's doing it for the purpose of ignoring Leo. The girls drunkenly talk in the bathroom, Johanna bitching that this happens to her with guys every time she gives it up: "I get screwed over by guys left and right, and I hate it!" The girls emerge from the bathroom. Whoops, I think you missed some on the side of your nose there, Mel. Johanna then camera-skanks, having the gall to complain that Leo was only interested when Johanna was a challenge. Although, to her credit, she does remark that, in a way, she's getting what she deserves, since that was her exact attitude toward Leo as well. It's true: Johanna's bed is indeed being lain in...and then, later, drunkenly soiled by Wes. Leo calls Johanna "sassy," and she bitches that he hasn't called her. Leo then gets all snippy, saying that it's SXSW and that he's been working every night and has been very busy, and that she "should know." Johanna tells us that Leo's excuse is "crap," which it totally is. Leo comes around the bar, and Johanna tells Leo that he can't like two people at once, and says that this is like "sixth grade." Leo agrees, saying that Johanna's the one acting like sixth grade, and Johanna can't deal with being vulnerable and quickly walks off. Hm. Leo is kind of a dick, but it's really hard to feel bad for Johanna. I mostly feel bad for B/M because this crap establishment is the only bar they could get permission to film at.
Johanna then tries to make us feel bad for her, as she cries while walking home with Rachel -- wiener-less, for once, in more ways than one. Johanna blubbers that this is exactly why she doesn't like guys. Rachel gets all My Name Is Earl on us and says that Leo is creating "bad karma," and Johanna tells her to shut up, and that she doesn't want to hear that shit. Ha. Thanks, neither do we. Rachel immediately realizes that that was some stupid shit and apologizes. Some people in cars are heckling them and honking -- which I love to no end; I applaud the idiot drunken residents of Austin for giving B/M shit whenever they could. Sure, caving in Danny's skull was going a bit far, but making production difficult for reality television is something I'm always in favor of. More heckling.
Johanna and Rachel arrive home, where Johanna screams in frustration and climbs into bed, camera-talking some bullshit about letting her guard down and not having control. Wes schmoos in and sits by weepy Johanna's bed trying to comfort her. She calls herself stupid for opening up, and Wes lies, saying she's not dumb for opening up to a Sixth Street bartender with a girlfriend. Yeah, that wasn't dumb at all. Johanna says, "I finally open up to someone and I really do think I like Leo and he has to go fuck me over for some stupid little short white girl." Hee. She then admits that it's totally her fault for playing games. Uh, yes. She then camera-headbands that she learned her lesson and just needs to go back to being her "good ol' self" that doesn't like boys. Ooh, does that mean you're going to make out with girls? Yeah, yeah. Do that! Wes tells Johanna that he's always there for her, and she cries that she knows he is. Stupid Wes camera-talks that this night of Johanna feeling terrible was actually a really "big step" for him, because now she knows that he'll always be there for her. Johanna hugs him and Wes creams his pants.
...UT film guy tells the cast members that while they're filming their dumb, pointless doc, they can't drink. The kids promptly ask some douchey band, while they're filming them, if they want to "party." Neh gets mad at his roommates for not being professional. Meanwhile, some band tool they're filming hits on Mel. Danny gets mad. "He's a liah. Waste of my time," Danny whines. And that's it! Go Red Sox.