One last time in Philly, y'all. We can hardly stand the excitement.
Everybody's heading to a gay bar called Shampoo to make Willie happy. Even Landon's going, which Willie feels the need to point out to us. He has to tell us that everybody's having fun, which probably means it wasn't as much fun as it should have been. Shot of Shavonda and Landon having "fun." Sarah's having "fun." Fun! So, a sort of not-really drag queen comes out on stage and lip-synchs to not the song we're hearing as we watch MJ melt into a homophobic spiral. He says that transvestites are something he has not yet "delved into." Willie thinks it's funny, how uncomfortable MJ is with a man in female clothing. MJ feels the need to shout to the entire bar how heterosexual he is, just in case someone was looking at him instead of the performer on stage. He's straight, gay boys. Back up off him. MJ runs out of the bar while voice-overing to us how he's made "big strides" in accepting the "gay culture." He admits that he's still not totally comfortable with it. He's so uncomfortable he's going to have to run home and masturbate before anybody gets home to remind himself how awesome it is to have a dick he'd normally use to be with girls, if there were, any like, real girls who were around and interested. I'm sorry, was that harsh? Suck it, MJ.
Some other bar, maybe, I don't know. They don't care if we know where everybody is. It's the last episode. Willie is complaining about MJ and how he thinks of Willie as a funny little character, and nothing more. Willie tells us that this is also his fault, since he's never spent any one-on-one-on-one time with MJ and Landon. Therefore, they've never seen him as a "man," only as a "gay boy." Melanie tells Willie she "totally" understands what he means.
So it's some kind of morning, and the house is sad because it's their last time in the house, only not really. Landon is sad that he's going to have to leave this enormous shower, mostly because it means he'll be showering alone in the future. Karamo packs. Don't blink! You'll miss him this episode. Sarah flirts with MJ as he tapes a box. MJ looks like such a moron with that chaw in his mouth. Ugh, there's nothing grosser. I'm eating guacamole-flavored Doritos right now, and somehow that's much sexier than the chaw jammed against MJ's lower lip. And I'm washing my chemical-flavored nastiness down with beer. Back in high school, the boys who dipped used to spit in Coke cans and then leave those Coke cans right to other Coke cans, so when you went to get a sip of your Coke, there was a 60% chance you were gonna drink some dip spit. And I don't care if you've eaten Bong Water Rice Krisipes, there's nothing nastier than a sip of Dip Spit. Ugh!
Sarah hasn't started packing yet. She prefers the term "denial" to "laziness." Shavonda tells us she's been thinking of this day since the night she and Landon hooked up in Fiji. She's been thinking about going home ever since she got some? That's pretty telling.
Landon's in bed, sleeping, wearing polka dot pajama bottoms. Shavonda jumps into bed with him, temporarily forgetting about the infrared camera we all rely on now for any good footage from these house-bound reality shows. She spanks Landon on the ass, rolls onto her back, and demands, "Come here." Landon obeys, rolling into Shavonda's arms, and thus the hookup begins. We're treated to a confessional of Landon telling us how he's not going to hook up with Shavonda as we watch infrared Shavonda and Landon hooking up. Landon tells us they always end up having sex as we watch them having sex. How can watching people have sex be so devoid of sexuality? I'm confused by this. Reality television is numbing our reflexes and hormones. Actually, I think it's from watching that Paris Hilton sex tape at 8 in the morning a couple of years ago. I've really never been the same since. Who do I sue? Because I think it's time for some pain and suffering dollahs. Word.
Establishing shot of an Aquafina bottle on a railing. I don't know why; that's what we see. I suppose it's supposed to represent sex, but it's even more confusing to me. I hope youngsters aren't watching this show to understand how sex works. "First you wear polka dot pajamas, and then you pack a box, and then a girl climbs into your bed, all the colors go away, you put a water bottle on a railing and then sex happens." Landon worries that sex with Shavonda will make things "too sticky" for their friendship. So many jokes, so little internet space.
Sarah basically calls Shavonda a ho some random morning we're supposed to take in a linear fashion, saying that she'd never be able to hook up with someone she lived with unless she was in love. Shavonda looks at Sarah like she's thinking, "You mean your boyfriend Bulimia?"
MJ tries to talk from around that disgustingness blackening his teeth. He asks Landon if he and Shavonda are "like, boyfriend and girlfriend." Tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight? Landon says that Shavonda only wants it to be sex, and doesn't have a problem with it just being sex.
Shavonda brags to Sarah that Landon has repeatedly warned her that he could get attached to her. Shavonda told Landon just to tell himself not to get attached. That's what she did, and it's working out just fab. Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?
Landon says that he was being honest with Shavonda, saying he doesn't think they should be having sex. He tells us that he doesn't regret anything with Shavonda. He feels the need to repeat that, so we know that he actually does. "I think things would have been easier on her if I would have [sic] stuck to my guns and said, like, we weren't going to do anything after Fiji." Is that like second base, Fiji? First you French kiss, then you go to Fiji. Landon tells us the truth isn't working. We see him hit himself in the head with an empty Aquafina Bottle of Sexual Innuendo. MJ suggests the brilliant idea of Landon bringing home another girl. Landon somehow thinks this is the best solution to his problem of girlies on his jock. It turned colder, that's when it ends...
Baseball? Softball? I thought they were packing and leaving. This is a longer day than Ferris Bueller's. Landon makes a Very Important Nokia/Nextel Phone Call to ask a girl named McKenzie for a last-minute booty call. So I told her, we'd still be friends...
McKenzie, surprisingly, agrees to be on this television show. Landon tells us that McKenzie is "sweet, nice, caring, and cute." Because they go way back and are clearly best buds, McKenzie asks Landon what his major is. Landon tells her, "My major is Landscape Architecture..." but he says it in such a way you know he doesn't even believe that anymore. It's like when I say, "I'm thinking of running a marathon." McKenzie apparently has all the qualities Landon looks for in a girl. Those four qualities. I think that means Landon's perfect girl is Smurfette. Landon tells McKenzie he's a seventh-year senior. And the bait is set for some lovin'. There's nothing sweeter than the confessions of a drunk-ass slacker. Mmm. That's some good datin'.
Shavonda -- who loves anything that beings with the letter "D" and ends with "Rama" -- decides to pick a fight with her sort-of-ex/kind-of-not boyfriend. Shavonda clearly wants to know what Shaun is doing with some Melissa girl, but only so that it gives her permission to do as much, if not more, with Landon. Shavonda makes it sound like she's a Survivor and doesn't need no mans, but really she wants to make sure she's going to have a boyfriend when she leaves her fuck buddy.
Landon brings home McKenzie. Everybody pretends they care. Landon mostly wants to make sure Shavonda sees his date, so he inquires as to her location and then brings McKenzie there, even though Shavonda is clearly on the phone. Shavonda sighs a disappointed sigh to us, saying she thought he was coming home by himself. Landon seems surprised that Shavonda didn't immediately pour beer on the bitch's weave. He surmises, "I don't know. It seems like kind of a front." Dick.
Poor McKenzie knows enough about The Real World to know that any footage of a girl in a hot tub is going to make it to air. She mistakenly thinks that wearing a t-shirt in the water will make her seem either (a) modest or (b) less interesting to show on television. Instead it makes her seem (c) fat. And she's not. But her t-shirt has cows on it. A lot of them. And that's just mean. She's not fat, but she looks so Bible Camp in the hot tub in her t-shirt and ponytail, probably totally sober, just wishing she hadn't taken that dare from her sorority sisters to be on this dumb MTV show. Landon shares with us the bullshit lie McKenzie used to get access to his bedroom: she claims she's never been in a hot tub before. Bwa! Gold star for you, McKenzie. Tell him you've never owned a hundred-dollar bill before, either. See what happens. Landon thinks he's the big man for letting McKenzie soak in the tub: "I wanted to grant her that one little wish." Slow clap for you, Landon. Slow clap for you.
Shavonda tells us she's watching Landon and McKenzie in the hot tub and all she wants is to be the girl in the hot tub. We then watch Landon prepare for his blowjob from McKenzie. He closes his curtain and lends McKenzie his filthy t-shirt.
Shavonda pretends she reads for pleasure.
Landon and McKenzie sleep with all the lights on. There are seventeen Aquafina bottles at Landon's side.
Shavonda has just finished reading page one of her book. It had a lot of words, y'all. Shut up! It didn't even have pictures.
Split-screen infrared shows us Shavonda not sleeping while Landon and McKenzie sleep with the covers around their ankles so we can see just how much they aren't having sex. MJ moves in for some dry humping; Shavonda attempts sleeping sitting up.
Sweet, sweet commercial bliss.
The morning after, Landon just wants to get McKenzie out of the house "as soon as possible." He blames Shavonda for this, saying he doesn't want to make it "strange" for her to be in "her own house." We see Landon walk McKenzie out of the house. A car passes. A fire truck roars past, sirens blaring. McKenzie gets out of the SUV and thanks Landon for the ride. Make of that montage what you may. So I told her, we'd still be friends...
Landon tells us that he's single, he knows he's single and Shavonda knows he's single, but that his bringing a girl home was still mean to Shavonda because it made her feel "less important than she is." Immediately we cut to Shavonda and Landon in bed together, snuggling, because Shavonda has issues. Look, in theory I could recap this scene, where Landon tells Shavonda he didn't have sex with McKenzie, and Shavonda tells us she's relieved to find out there was just kissing and licking and sucking instead of, whatever she thinks is some kind of sacred act. But the problem is that Landon is wearing green striped underpants and not much else and he's sporting some serious wood. I have the smallest television of anyone I know, and my neighbors called to complain about the indecency. My cat ran across the room, terrified. My coffee cup knocked over, spilling everything. My right eye? Poked out. Landon's enormous boner has taken over my living room. It is chaos. The green stripes! The outline of both the...cue and the...balls. I can see his balls, okay? And I don't want to. And it's not just because I've paused my TiVo, okay? This would have happened no matter how slow my slow-mo go, okay? I don't have the problem. Landon's huge boner has the problem. He's going on my list of people to sue one day for emotional pain and suffering. Right underneath Vincent Gallo. Shavonda tells us this grammatically-challenged sentence: "I can tell myself until the cows come home that I don't like Landon, that I would never be with him, but, in the end, you know, my emotions caught up with me and kicked me in my ass and was like, 'You're bullshit.'" Outside, I hear Landon's boner overturn my car.
"Willie's friend" Victor accidentally calls MJ "Landon." I don't know why that's important, other than that Melanie confesses that she does this, too, and considering that this is day three of their last day in the house, it's a bit of a dis. They are at "Fat Tuesday," a fake "Fat Tuesdays," which is a fake Mardi Gras, which is...well, sad. Willie has his foot propped up on the bar, this Mardi Gras-themed bar where people probably get beads and flash tits for drink discounts, announcing that he has something very serious to discuss. Willie needs some instruction on "time" and how it relates to "place." It is quite serious, actually, that his mother has told his little brothers that his soul will burn in Hell on account of his being gay. Now, this is sad, and I know he needs his friends to comfort him, but it's almost time for everyone to do Jell-O shots off a stripper's thong crack, so if he could hurry that up, MJ would feel a little less forced-gay. MJ keeps calling it "The Gay World," like he thinks any minute now a producer will come from around the camera and apologize for accidentally putting him on the wrong show. I don't watch this show, so I don't know what southern state MJ is from, but homeboy's got an incest face like I haven't seen in a long time.
Willie tells us he's in a terrible, painful, emotional situation. He tells us this in front of a blue screen backdrop that loudly neons, "STEAKS!" It's very hard to take anyone seriously when they're standing in front of a storefront so fake it's like an episode of Hee Haw. Poor drunk Willie says he'd really like it if his little brothers didn't think of him as a demonic soul. MJ voice-overs to us how he can't believe he's actually watching a man cry, in public no less, about something that has nothing to do with basketball or football or even faggoty hockey. It makes him realize that Willie is more than just a gay: he's, like, almost a human, capable of emotions and total chick tears. And that's like, a whole nother level of things that make him totally distance himself from Willie. That's more than gay culture; that's girl culture. And that shit is off-putting to MJ. He says this is the first time he's "been around someone expressing their feelings [sic]." He sounds like Will Forte doing his George Bush impression. "I'm not used to be being around that." MJ opens his dumb mouth to inform Willie that he's gay, not making a choice. "It's the person that you are. It's not this gay..." -- MJ needs to make jazz hands up toward God at this point to show just how gay Willie appears to be -- "stereotype that I put onto you." MJ does not know when to quit. He tells Willie that he's known since the first day that he met Willie that there's an aura around him. MJ drawls, "There's no way that a spirit like yours could burn in Hell." Drunk Melanie gives an Amen, saying that's the best way someone could ever put it. Slow clap for you, straight people. Slow clap for you.
Ah, the note. That all-important part of post hook-up regret. The way you say, "I'm not all that serious about you" without ever having to say anything at all. A way to say "I love you" without having to say it. "What? I wrote it down." Who doesn't own a poorly-chosen Hallmark card with a kitten or perhaps a weird poem on the front that sounds like your recent ex was apologizing for domestic violence instead of regretting his/her recent venture into total assholitry? Please notice all the other cards on Landon's desk, and how Shavonda isn't the only one who's receiving a "Dear Blank" message from Landon on Day 4 of their last day there. In case you're lost, the music informs us that this scene is about someone giving another a note. Shavonda opens the card, and due to the wonders of TiVo (even though I'm recapping with only the one eye now), I can tell you everything Landon tried to say. The front of the card reminds us to "Dwell in possibility...-- Emily Dickinson." This is an interesting way to say "Dream on, Summer Fling." Shavonda reads the letter to us, but here it is transcribed: "There are many things in life that are not spelled out for us. More here than others. This is what life is all about. Everyone is met with situations -- it is a person's character that truly defines who they are. I believe in you that you will make all the correct choices for you and will be happy for yourself. I will always love you and be there for you! Love, Landon." Dude. That is a break-up, kiss-off, don't-ever-call-me, go-back-to-your-boyfriend, I'm-going-to-pretend- I-don't-know-you-once- MTV-stops-paying-us- to-hook-up letter if I've ever seen one. I suppose I've never seen one before, but I know what it looks like when I see it.
Shavonda comes downstairs to thank Landon for her note. He's playing pool with himself. Get it, Shavonda? He's going to play pool with himself. Forever. Shavonda calls him the "sweetest guy ever," and pushes her face into his chest so that he must hug her. Shavonda tells us she feels fortunate to have met someone from across the country when she was thrown into this situation and -- oh, whatever. Cut to Shavonda and Landon showering together. Hint of boob. Showering, cuddling, boring. Shavonda tries on her best orgasm face while Landon washes her hair. Shavonda let Landon wash her hair. Maybe she is in love, y'all.
This is a long-ass half-hour. Hey, I've finally found something that's sadder than recapping for six years straight. It's called being Dan on The Inferno 2. Holy crap.
So now today they're really, really, really leaving. I think. Shavonda and Landon are sharing a sad morning, realizing that their cuddle time is coming to an end. Shavonda tries to cry as she tells us she spent a lot of time pretending she didn't care about Landon because she didn't want to be sad when they had to say goodbye. She says it like the guy in Clerks: "I wasn't even supposed to be here today!" Landon tells Shavonda to think back to their first day. No! He triggers a flashback and we watch Landon and Shavonda meet again as Landon tells us he saw a gorgeous black...adding "girl" like an afterthought.
Pointless dialogue inserted here. Sarah: "Should I start cookin'?" MJ: "Huh? You cookin' breakfast?" Yee haw, paw. When did everybody in this house turn so gah-dang dumb-ass?
Shavonda and Landon cuddle as Shavonda goes on like we're her shrink and this is some incredibly extensive therapy session. "I could fall in love with Landon," she says. "Pretty sure that he could fall in love with me." Landon stares at Shavonda. She sums up: "It's kinda hard to do that from California and Wisconsin." Uh, it's called the internet. The rest of us have to do it. Suck it up, Vonda. Get some Gmail. What? It's just me? Fine. Landon tells Shavonda they should eat some breakfast. For the last time...
Sarah makes watery eggs. Karamo cameos to note, "So...pancakes aren't your specialty?" Sarah shouts that her pancakes are good. I mean, they've been at the gym for two hours already today. What else do you want from them?!? Sarah's pancakes look like latkes.
Everybody's pulling a rolly suitcase across the living room as Sarah voice-overs that she's in denial that they're leaving so she's just "going through the motions." She tells us she can't imagine not living this way. Landon's wearing the t-shirt he loaned McKenzie just sixteen hours ago.
The cab comes for Melanie. Cue the tears. Lots of tears. You know the drill. It's the last moment and everybody clutches like they've been be fri's since grade two. I wonder how MJ's handling all these man-tears.
Melanie tells us that she hopes for all the stupid things she's said, and for how mean she's been, they can all still look past all of that and pretend they see someone nice in there. Melanie's covered in tears. She leaves, flashing a peace sign. Bye, Melanie. Hope you...I have no idea what you want in life, or why you were on this show, but whatever it is, I hope you....Aw, forget it.
Landon tells us that saying goodbye to Melanie was "way, way too hard." He doesn't know what he's going to say to Shavonda when their time is up. Are they making them run to a confessional every time someone leaves the house?
Karamo's boyfriend Ed reaches the apartment. They play menacing music, like Ed's going to kill Karamo once they reach the cab. The show totally doesn't care what happens to Karamo, and doesn't even have the decency to follow him to the airport. Karamo's like, "I'm hoping things are okay with Ed, even though it's going to be long-distance, but I really had a great time here, even though I still kind of hate white people, most of them anyway, and I just wanted to --[Subway doors close]"
Willie and Sarah are summoned . Willie's going home to New York, and Sarah's going to visit her shitty sister. Sarah cries, waves, cries, does thirty minutes on a Precor, cries, blames her mom for making her have to leave right now, cuts her skirt a little shorter, hooks up with three guys, blames MJ for not being straight with her, cries, pukes, yells, forgets what she was crying about, cries because she hates how much she forgets things all the time because her mom makes her feel so fat and cancer. Shavonda pretends to cry along with Sarah's fake tears, but she can't muster even the slightest fake tear, since she's having to use them all up on her fake relationship with Landon. Sarah tells us that she fell in love with these six "awesome" people. She says she knows they're going to come off as asses on this show: "But I love these asses. I do." Aw, we love your ass, too, Sarah. And it's not big, no matter what your mama tells you. Go get your crazy ass some more booze.
MJ kisses Willie on the cheekbone as Willie tells us that MJ has come pretty far from his total homophobia to random spurts of homophobia. Willie and MJ tell each other how much they've learned from one another. Sarah's falsies, then Sarah, then Willie get on the bus. Shavonda cries now, but it's only because she thinks it looks really cool to do so when the wind is blowing on her hair like that. Sarah and Willie have gone a few miles before Sarah admits, "Those pancakes were pretty terrible." Ha. "They were," Willie says. Then he brags, "MJ gave me a kiss." He smiles, happy that he's...I don't know that he's done anything, but whatever makes Willie smile is just fine. We hardly knew ye, Willie. Thanks for barely making a difference in this insufferable television show. Not making a scene means you weren't an asshole, and that's a huge accomplishment here.
Hey, Austin, turn these motherfuckers out. Don't let them anywhere near Kerbey, Magnolia, The Drag, Trudy's, Texadelphia, Town Lake, Oltorf, the Arboretum, Amy's, Thundercloud, Sixth Street, Eeyore's Birthday Party, or the warehouse district. And for God's sake, don't let them meet any of my friends. Keep Austin Weird!