Previously on The Real World: Ace thought Paris was just all right, and wanted to go home to America. Mallory confronted Leah in a Swiss restaurant. Simon didn't know how to bring up his problems with Leah, which is footage they totally didn't show last week. Ace hated France some more.
The Dreaded Comic Sans Font of Captioning explains that the events in this episode took place in March 2003. Seriously. Bunim Murray Productions. Please use any other font besides Comic Sans for your captioning needs. You're killing me. Also, you might want to think about hiring a new graphics person, because that text is so seriously out of any kind of alignment that it needs a chiropractor. So, we've come to the point in the season where the house is a mess. Will it be like in Seattle, where they had a mouse? The camera pans across a disgusting kitchen, filled with dirty dishes, half-empty glasses, and food scattered all over. Ace interviews that they are "the seven messiest people" to ever live together. Christina interviews that they need to do something, because it's hard to come back from vacation to a dirty house. Wow, Christina and I totally agree on something! I always clean my house before I go away, because I find it so depressing to come home to my normal filth and squalor.
Christina uses a feather duster on the hardwood floors. Two words, Christina. Swif. Fer. ["In France, it's Le Swiffeur." -- Wing Chun] Leah interviews (in her usual annoying shtick of asking herself a question and then answering it that I have always hated but that I hate even more now that Leah is doing it), "Do I want the house clean? Yeah." She adds that she's not going to follow around after her roommates and clean up. The roommates do a group cleanup. Ace announces that he's vacuumed and swept the whole house, and now he's spent. Simon asks whether he cleaned the upstairs, and Ace details all of the parts of the upstairs that he did. Ace interviews that he feels like he does more around the house than anyone, and he never gets a thank-you. Ace is a '50s housewife! He should put on high heels and a pearl necklace. I'm sure Adam has some he can borrow. Christina starts squealing. Dogs all over the Continent prick up their ears. Christina, frustrated, tells Ace that he can't just throw everything in the closet. Ace interviews that he was trying to be nice by putting her clothes in the closet. Ace tells her that it's cleaner in their room. Christina says she had her laundry all organized. Ace apologizes and then says that he cleaned the whole room. Seriously. How long does it take to sort clothes? Maybe Christina should get her shit off the floor if she cares about it so much.
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Cinq. Leah, Chris, and Christina walk home. Leah says that Ace is either sleeping on the couch, or in the Jacuzzi. Chris adds, "Or cooking." Leah adds, "Or downloading music." Look out, Ace! The RIAA is going to come after your ass!
Ace interviews that he wishes his roommates hadn't tried to cover for him, because he would rather take the blame himself. Ace and Adam sit at the computer, downloading love songs. I might have made up that last part. Adam says that he doesn't want to "go there." Ace says that he needed a break from everything, and that he hates the office, and that he hates the colors. Something about the office drives him crazy. Let me guess. The work? Ace voice-overs that he doesn't know what Brice will do about his absence. Ace is on the phone again, explaining to Brice that he's really homesick and that things have been tough. Ace interviews that Brice said he wouldn't get his salary this week, and Ace totally understands that. Finally! Consequences. I love Brice.
Chris interviews that he can relate to the way that Ace is feeling. Chris asks Ace to tell him about Georgia. Ace says that he misses his friends and family, and his wonderful life. He's Jimmy Stewart! Ace says that his roommates are all negative and argumentative and he can't stand it. Chris interviews that he doesn't want Ace to go home, and that he's trying to be there for Ace. Chris thinks Ace will regret it if he goes home early. Chris tells Ace that they have soldiers in Iraq, so it makes Chris feel stupid to think that his life is hard, because he could be at war. Good point, Chris. Wow, a Real World roommate who's not entirely self-involved? What a rarity. And what a subtle segue into the segment. Also subtle: the shot of cannons in the following montage.
Ace's friend Jim is on the phone. Jim tells Ace that CNN had a warning for Americans living abroad, because America is preparing to go to war. Ace clarifies that the war will be against Iraq. Ace admits that he's totally clueless as to what's going on, because they don't have a television. Yes, because the only source of information in the world is the television. It's really too bad that the roommates don't have access to newspapers or the internet. Oh, wait. They totally do. Maybe Ace should spend a little less time on Kazaa and a little more time on CNN.com.
Ace cooks some steaks and calls out, "U-S-A, baby." Ace calls out that the U.S. is going to war with Iraq. Ace thinks it's about time. Chris adds that the President said that any Americans who are out of the country should come home. I'm so sure that BMP would put themselves at even a minimal amount of risk to lawsuits by letting the roommates be in danger. Chris interviews that he feels like a target in France because he's American. Notice that he didn't say what he'd be a target of. Eggings? Practical jokes? Shit bombs? ["Plus, just do what every American does overseas when they don't want to attract the locals' negative attention: pretend to be Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Christina says she's a little nervous. In a confessional, Christina says that she doesn't know the rules of war, and that if the U.S. attacks Iraq, then they have the right to retaliate. Because unless we attack them first, under the rules, they can't do anything. Do these people even listen to what they are saying?
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Six. The guys (minus Simon, plus Adam's increasingly out-of-control hair style) are playing pool. Adam says that the great thing about the United States is that we allow different points of view (sure) and we "have the ability to think intelligently about things like war because we are educated, because the masses do understand." Oh, boo. Yes, everyone in the United States is more intelligent and educated than anyone else in the world. And those people in the Middle East? Bunch of savages. For crying out loud, could he be more ethnocentric? In a confessional, Adam says that the United States has "a pretty good track record with doing the right thing when it comes to war, not just for ourselves, but for other peoples." We do? ["Snort." -- Wing Chun] Do you think the people of Somalia would agree? Or Korea? Or Vietnam? Or a bunch of other countries that we got involved in? I'm not trying to take one side over the other (much), but I think Adam's "the United States is morally superior to other countries" rhetoric is the type of thing that gets this country into trouble time and time again. And I would have told you the same thing back in March. Anyway. Ace says he doesn't want the Iraqis having access to any weapons, including a BB gun. Chris says that no one wants war. Ace wishes everyone would drink bourbon, hang out, and party. With that grasp of foreign relations, Ace should be Secretary General of the U.N. Get that Kofi Annan guy out of there. In a confessional, Adam says, "With great power comes great responsibility," and then realizes that he cribbed it from Spider-Man. Hee! That was kind of funny.
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Sept and Trente-Huit. Ace talks to Christina about the atmosphere in the house. Ace can't believe how much everyone talks behind other's backs. Ace thinks that the negativity is contagious. Christina interviews that Ace is really down, and that if things don't get better and easier, Ace won't make it. Ace interviews that he feels like quitting, but that he doesn't want to feel like he got beat by Paris.
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Neuf. They are really making up for the time lost during the vacation episodes. At the office, Brice is back, and he tells the roommates that Saddam is not a good person from a human-rights perspective. Christina interviews that Brice is a wonderful boss, but that it's a very stressful time for him to be there. Brice tells the roommates that they get to watch a tape of President Bush's speech. Ace asks if there is any chance that Saddam will back down, and Chris says there's no way. Leah says she heard or read something about one of Hussein's sons (R.I.P? I feel like I should replace the P with something else, but I'll let you all decide what to replace it with in your own minds, or you can just keep the P.) (Hee! Pee). Anyway, Hussein Jr. said that they would "make 9/11 look like a holiday" and would blow up all of Iraq's oil fields. Brice says that the U.S. is saying that Saddam is a threat to the world, and that the U.S. is going to take action to get him out. Brice advises the roommates to stay aware of what's going on, because it's historical.
Between each segment, just imagine a long shot of one of the many, many war-related statues in France. Back at the house, on March 15, 2003, the roommates watch a tape of Bush's address to the nation. I'm sure you all saw it or read about it, so I won't recap it here. In a confessional, Chris says that Bush gave Hussein an ultimatum, saying that if Hussein didn't leave the country in forty-eight hours, the United States would attack Iraq. Chris adds that he's not for war, and that he doesn't think anyone really wants it, but he guesses all other options have been exhausted. The speech ends, and Ace is all fired up, talking about how he loves Bush.
Leah continues to employ the most annoying rhetorical device ever: "Am I pro-war? No! But my family is in New York right now. I attended ten separate funerals for September 11th. I do not ever want to do that again." That seems like a bit of a leap, but Leah was far from the only one making that connection back in March, so I won't get on her case too much. Except to say that Leah once again seems to love the inherent drama in the situation. Simon interviews that he hasn't been personally affected by war or terrorism, and that he would probably feel a lot more strongly about it. Christina says that they might be jumping the gun. Simon mutters that it's an understatement. Christina says that Leah takes it personally because "it hit right down the block." Glen Cove is down the block from lower Manhattan? Wow, my geography knowledge is not what it should be. Simon says that he doesn't want to provoke Iraq into attacking. Leah interrupts, and Simon asks if he can finish. Leah asks what Saddam has to do before we get involved, and she asks if he has to blow up another big city and kill four thousand more people. Well, he didn't really do that, but he has done a lot of other bad stuff, so whatever. Leah interviews that a lot of the roommates are speaking from their hearts. Simon says he's not making a personal attack against anyone. Except Saddam. Leah explains that Americans do take it personally. Simon asks if he's not allowed to state his opinion. Leah says he is. And then they argue some more, but does anyone really want to know the political views of the roommates? I know I don't.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was yet another TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network starring Ms. Tracy Gold (a.k.a. Carol Seaver) and titled Stolen Innocence. In this one (which was based on a true story!), Carol plays an eighteen-year-old who hates her parents and goes out and gets drunk all of the time. So, your typical eighteen-year-old. Except she and her best friend run away, but they only get, like, two towns away before they run out of money and the best friend wants to go home and it's her car so Carol hitches a ride with a trucker, like anyone thinks that's safe. But this trucker was a Christian or something because his truck said something about Jesus so he didn't try to kill Carol or anything. So then they got to a truck stop and Carol hooked up with Thomas Calabro (a.k.a. Evil Doctor Michael Mancini on Melrose Place). Except that Michael had a pageboy and wore hats all the time which made you start to think that the hair was really a wig, which it totally was, but also that it was one of those wigs that's attached to a hat, which is funny. So then Carol took off with Michael to Vegas, and she was totally in love with him even when she found out that he had stolen checks from a former employer, and even when she found out that he was previously married and had two daughters he never saw, and even when she found out he had stolen guns in the back of his truck. None of that bothered Carol too much. The thing that bothered her was when Michael tried to get Carol to take a gun and she wouldn't, so he pulled her hair and the gun went off and hurt Carol's eye. And then Carol was pissed and wanted to go home. So Michael came up with the brilliant idea of trying to get ransom money from Carol's parents, and Carol's parents called in the Feds. And then when they were supposed to be meeting to make the cash/Carol exchange, Carol's dad spotted them and despite the fact that they were at a complete stop and in a convertible, Carol totally didn't try to jump out of the car, which was bogus. So then there was a big standoff in a motel and Carol got to leave, but she was upset because she couldn't take her kitten (and I'm still not sure what the point of the kitten was) but then she and her kitten got to safety but Carol had decided that she still loved Michael and didn't want him to get killed even though he nearly killed her and raped her a few times so then the FBI agent (played by a really fat Terence Knox) talked Michael out of killing himself and he surrendered. So I'm not exactly sure whose innocence was lost, since Carol told Michael that she wasn't a virgin when they met, but it's such a typical TV movie title that I'm sure they just couldn't resist. And it is a pretty awesome title.
Eiffel Tower Shot Quarante. It's March 16, 2003 and the roommates are each doing confessionals on their feelings about the conflict. Ace says he loves America and is totally behind his President. Simon wants to make others understand why some people might not back the war. Leah is scared because her family is in New York, which she thinks will be a huge target. Chris hopes that the situation will be resolved quickly. Adam says we can't be blasé about Americans dying, and shares that his paternal grandfather died in the Korean War. What do Mallory and Christina think? We'll never know.
Simon and Leah get ready for bed. Simon interviews that he avoids conflict in a group setting and that sometimes it's easier to talk to Leah one-on-one, and that he hopes she will learn forgiveness. Simon tells Leah that if they ever fight, they should talk straight to each other and get it sorted out. Leah agrees. How did they sort it out? What happened there?
Chris asks Ace what they are going to do tonight. Chris says he was talking to Leah about how depressed Ace was, because they were worried. Ace says he was bummed out, but he's decided to stay. Ace interviews that he's not going to let the situation beat him, and that he'll find a way to be happy there. Chris says that if their relationship were different, Chris wouldn't stick around either.
Chris tells Ace that Christina was complaining about missing food earlier, and that she blamed Ace. Ace asks if they are complaining about him all the time, because they don't yell at Chris anymore. Chris agrees. Ace thinks the girls have to have someone to talk about. Chris reminds Ace that he advised Chris to build bridges and not burn them. Ace says he doesn't want to build bridges if he looks stupid doing it. Chris thinks they should kill the girls with kindness. Ace interviews that he thinks about talking to the girls about why he's upset, but he realizes that will never work, so he decides to do something nice for them instead. Ace cleans the whole house. Isn't he afraid that they will yell at him again? Ace writes notes to each of the girls and sets one on each girl's bed, along with some flowers.
Later, Ace and Chris play pool. Leah finds her note and starts crying. In a confessional, Leah says that the room is spotless and the beds are made, and the note said that Ace hoped they could still be friends. Leah is sad that she treated Ace in such a way that he thought they couldn't be friends anymore. Leah calls herself an asshole. Agreed! Mallory thinks that Ace is a sweetheart. Mallory interviews that she feels bad that Ace was so upset. Leah gives Ace a big hug and even hits Chris, on the way out, for good measure. Christina and Mallory also hug Ace. Ace interviews that it's nice to be hugged and not talked about, and that he always wants everyone to love him. To the point where he is a total doormat. Ace thanks Chris for talking it through with him and advising him not to fight over it. Chris says that he usually wants to fight, and that Ace usually wants to build bridges. Ace says that there's no such thing as being too nice. Actually, there is, but whatever. The final screen says (in Comic Sans again! Ugh!): "During the roommates' time in France, they experienced no anti-American sentiment due to the United States' involvement in Iraq." I like how they added that last part, as if to say that they did get anti-American sentiment because they acted like douchebags.