The Real World S13E01

My recording of this preview starts with about five minutes of Road Rules, because why would MTV start a show on time when they can start it five minutes late or five minutes early? But then I remember that, unlike what usually happens, the end of the preview didn't get cut off five minutes early, meaning that this preview was only about twenty-five minutes long. When you take out the commercials and the stupid montages of seasons and the terrible segments featuring the hosts, there was probably six minutes of actual footage from the upcoming season. Bitches.

The show opens with some of the new roommates doing a confessional where they recite the familiar opening words of the series and laugh. Then we get quick shots of each roommate as an electric guitar Jimi Hendrix-ripoff version of "La Marseillaise" plays.

The camera pans down on the Paris casino in Las Vegas to reveal Arissa and Steven from the Las Vegas season sitting on a loveseat in front of a pool. I don't know. Arissa welcomes us with a lot of overenunciation and way too much eyebrow action. Just when I'm starting to burst out laughing at how bad Arissa is as a host, Steven pipes up, with no inflection, "And we thought we had it going on in the city of sin." Imagine that said in a robotic voice as if being pronounced phonetically by a non-native English speaker, and you've got Steven's delivery. This leads to a montage of the new roommates celebrating the fact that they are in Paris and get to live in a castle. This basically consists of them repeatedly going, "We're in Paris!" and "I can't believe I'm in Paris, France!" In case you thought this season was set in Paris, Idaho. The Eiffel Tower is the new Space Needle.

Back to Steven and Arissa, who talk about dj vu, and introduce some montages from seasons. The first one features people swearing. Most of the clips are from Las Vegas, but we do get to relive Dan calling Melissa a "stupid bitch" in Miami (although they don't include the part where she calls him a flamer, and I wonder if they would even show that on MTV nowadays), and the unforgettable segment -- and winner of many a forum thread on "Best Real World moments -- Vaj calling Montana a "whooooooooore." We also get to see Melissa telling David to "time the fuck out" in New Orleans, which is one of my favorites, mostly because the other roommates are totally cracking up. Ah, good times. This is not making me excited about the new season. It's just making me sad that the show has sucked for the last three years. Steven is wearing makeup from the Siegfried and Roy line of cosmetics. He looks like a corpse. Anyway, Arissa and Steven introduce a montage of the Paris roommates trying to speak French, but since we don't know who these people are yet, it's really not that interesting. The bottom line is that they don't speak much French. Surprise. But they do get to take a French class. Wow, Steven is really, really bad.

Now it's time to meet the first cast member. Her name is Mallory, and she's eighteen years old and from Illinois. She plays Division One soccer in college, and she's there on scholarship. She's not that into soccer anymore, and wants to get out and experience life a little more. So you are not surprised to hear that she's a virgin, and that she doesn't believe in casual sex. She also likes to drink and make out with boys. She's basically Elka (pretty, sheltered virgin) crossed with Trishelle (uses alcohol to avoid taking responsibility for her behavior).

The roommate is Adam, a twenty-three-year-old from Beverly Hills. He looks exactly like Gary Dell'Abate (a.k.a. Baba Booey from the Howard Stern show), but a couple of skin shades darker and with more hair. Seriously. The more he talks, the more he looks and sounds like Gary. It's freaking me out a little. Anyway, Adam thinks he's the shiznit and I already hate him. Adam likes to have a good time and he's horny. He claims that it's not his choice to hook up with hot chicks, because his brain forces him to do it. Adam also feels that only women pose a challenge to him. Has he looked in a mirror lately? Because that hair is definitely a challenge. I guess Adam is a cross between Las Vegas Steven (overinflated ego, slut) and New Orleans David (overinflated ego, slut). After Adam finishes talking (thank God), Arissa promises us "more sexy Real World dj vus that are almost certain to redefine the meaning of life." What does that even mean? Seriously. Who writes this crap?

I think I might be done recapping Steven and Arissa's segments because they are so stupid that watching them more than once causes me to lose brain cells. Anyway, they introduce a segment about couples on the Paris season. Ace and Mallory like each other. Leah also likes Ace, and isn't shy about showing it. Christina and Chris have the hots for each other. Adam is horny, which is disgusting. Ugh. Not that it's disgusting to be horny; it's disgusting when Adam is horny, because he is grody.

Arissa and Steven introduce another dj vu segment; this one is about sex. Again, most of the scenes are from the most recent seasons, although this time that makes more sense, since the show has definitely gotten more explicit over the years. Like, what would they show from the first season? That time when Eric was a naked model? They didn't have night-vision cameras back then. Thankfully, they don't show Kyle's tiny penis humping Keri in Chicago, because just thinking about that gives me nightmares. There are a lot of night-vision shots, and you can't tell who the people are at all. Aw, remember when Ruthie and Kaia made out in Hawaii? That seems so quaint now, in the post-Trishelle and Steven era.

The third roommate is Chris. He's twenty-two and from Boston, and claims that he's not as much of a troublemaker as people claim. Although he admits that he used to get in a lot of fights. Let's see. He's from Boston. He's got pretty eyes and semi-greasy hair. He likes to get in fights. Sir, I have met Seattle David. Seattle David is a friend of mine, and you are no Seattle David. Chris claims that he will tell everyone on the show to shut up every day. Wait, maybe I like Chris. I'm conflicted. Anyway, Chris is a cross between Seattle David and Seattle David.

The fourth roommate, and the only non-American, is Simon, an eighteen-year-old from Ireland. He's a cutie with a blond fauxhawk. And he's gay. I love him. The accent, the hair -- everything. Simon says he's always known he's gay, but that he's very traditional in that he wants "the white picket fence." Simon admits that he finds Americans "a bit much" at times. Join the club. He dislikes how they act like know-it-alls. Simon is a cross between Norm (lovable, gay) and Dom (Irish). Maybe throw in a little Justin, minus the attitude.

The fifth roommate is Leah, a twenty-three-year-old from Long Island. She wants to improve herself, but she also thinks she is very special. She apparently likes to talk about herself a lot, because they sure do have a lot of footage of her describing herself. Leah concludes by repeating about ten times that she's single. She's a cross between Miami Sarah (a lot of long blonde hair) and Amaya (self-absorbed, needy). Although I guess about 90% of former cast members are self-absorbed and needy, so that may not be very helpful.

Arissa and Steven introduce the drama montage. Christina tells Chris that he offends everyone in the house. Adam wants Mallory to show an emotion. Chris and Ace get in a fight with a Frenchie. Adam tells Leah that Ace doesn't like her. Chris drops Christina's flat iron and she flips out on him. Chris ends up screaming, "Cry me a riv-aaaah! Cry me a riv-aaaah!" Hee! Okay, I'm coming around on Chris. For now.

Arissa and Steven introduce the mnage--trois clip package. And they don't show the infamous Miami shower scene. How could they not? We do get to see footage of Arissa, Irulan, and some guy that I don't remember from the season. When the clip ends, Steven asks Arissa about it and she feigns ignorance. What the? What was that? Is that on the DVD? You know what? I really don't care.

The sixth roommate is Christina, a twenty-four-year-old from Las Vegas. She claims that she's not a stripper as we see footage of her dancing in a club. Is she a professional dancer? Because she's really, really bad. She dances like Beck, but I think he's mostly kidding and she's totally serious. Christina is high-maintenance, and she has fake boobs. Then she claims that "boobs are so overrated." So why pay all that money for them? Christina claims she is both fun-loving and really serious. Unlike other humans who are either completely one or the other. Christina is not so bright, I think. She's one of those people who thinks she is completely fascinating, but in reality, is kind of dull. Also? Not as pretty as she thinks she is. Christina says she is "horrifically honest" and complains about the lack of sex in her life. She concludes by saying that girls with toe rings are naughty, and that she wears two toe rings. I hate her. I hope she and Adam fall off the Eiffel Tower together. I hope Simon pushes them off.

The final roommate is Ace, a twenty-three-year-old from Georgia. He never wants to work 9-to-5, and he likes the crazy bar scene. I think he is also a furry, meaning that he likes to have sex with people while wearing animal costumes. That's the only explanation I can think of for the footage of him sitting on a couch in between someone in a chipmunk costume and someone in a monkey costume. Ace does a lot of stupid things, and he thinks his roommate will think he's dumb. Ace talks about how he likes to pee in the yard, and I jab my husband in the side, because he also likes to pee in the yard. I think it's an ownership thing. He's like a dog. I think it's gross. It's called indoor plumbing. Look into it. So I can't hate Ace for that trait. I can, however, hate him for everything else.

Then there's a series of clips from the season, but since they are all out of context, we don't really know what to make of them. The only thing I got from them is that they have a limbo contest at some point, and Adam totally biffs on some ice. I look forward to rewinding that moment over and over. Arissa and Steven thank us for joining them and then do a stupid fake French laugh. Thank God I don't have to deal with those two anymore. Bring on the new set of losers! I will make you one promise right now. There will be no French/freedom jokes in the recaps this season. Hold me to that.