Previously on The Real World: Alton blah, Irulan blah blah. Trishelle and Steven did it again. Trishelle thought they were true love always but Steven thought he was just starved for physical affection and Trishelle was just the closest warm body.
Steven and Frank go out for sushi and discuss Steven and Trishelle's relationship. Haven't we already seen this scene? Steven wonders, "Where did the just-hooking-up thing go wrong? It went horribly wrong." Meanwhile, Irulan tells Trishelle that she talked to Steven. Trishelle asks if it was bad or good, and Irulan says she's not sure. Frank tells Steven that Trishelle looks at him with adoration. In an interview, Steven says he's never even been on a date with Trishelle, and that they just have sex, which is all he wants from her. Irulan tells Trishelle that she talked to Steven about Trishelle and also about Alton. Trishelle asks whether Steven said he was confused. Irulan brings up the "unfinished business" quote again, like she thinks that's the most profound thought she's ever had (and it probably is) so she's just going to keep saying it until someone goes, "Wow, Irulan, you totally called it."
Frank asks exactly what happened. Steven admits that he told Trishelle he loves her again. In an interview, Steven says he doesn't love Trishelle or want to date her, but he also doesn't want to hurt her or play with her emotions. In an interview, Frank says that Trishelle thinks a relationship with Steven exists where it doesn't, and that Steven is giving her false hope. Irulan says that Steven doesn't think he has any feelings for Trishelle. Steven laughs and laughs when Frank calls him a bad person. Steven agrees with that. Frank says that Trishelle doesn't deserve to be hurt, so Steven needs to be straight with her. Irulan got the impression that Steven didn't know what would happen in the future. Steven says he's trying to figure out how to get out of this without Trishelle's hating him. Frank says it'll take a lot of lying. Does Steven not get that regardless of what he tells Trishelle now, she's going to see these episodes and hate him anyway? What an a-hole.
At a club, Steven tells Trishelle that he likes sleeping with her but he doesn't know if they have a future together. He's still not being exactly honest, is he? Also, is that the best place for this conversation, since they have to yell to be heard over the music? In an interview, Steven says it's hard to look at Trishelle and say how he feels, because he knows it'll make her feel bad. Yes, it's called being a fucking grown-up, and for someone who loves to tell other people about how evolved he is, Steven sure is acting like a child. Steven hugs Trishelle and asks why she's mad. Trishelle says she's confused about them. In an interview, Steven says he hopes Trishelle starts dating someone else and cuts him off, so that he will be compelled to date others as well. Because God forbid he take action on his own. In an interview, Trishelle says that Steven is just as confused as she is, so she's not taking anything he says seriously. Steven hugs Trishelle some more and she says she'll live.
Brynn talks to Austin on the phone. Trishelle primps in the bathroom. Alton and Irulan totally do it in the confessional. Irulan's friend Mikey is there looking for Irulan, and Brynn tells him they're having sex in the confessional. And they left the cameras on. Classy. Brynn looks disgusted when she hears Alton and Irulan's sex noises. Mikey yells out that they're all waiting for Irulan and Alton. Arissa walks in with some pizzas and they all start eating. Finally, Alton emerges from the confessional and tells Irulan to turn off the camera and take out the tape. Which she obviously didn't do. Ew.
Irulan and Alton have a whispered conversation in bed. Alton asks if she still thinks he's going to hook up with random girls. In an interview, Irulan says she's trying to forget about Alton's past. In an interview, Alton says he just wants to be with Irulan, but that she's still questioning his actions and she needs to move on. In a confessional, Irulan says she doesn't want to get hurt again. Alton asks Irulan what she would do if he brought someone home tomorrow, and Irulan says she would kill him. At least that would be interesting.
Frank tells Trishelle that he and Steven are going out on a double date with two girls. In an interview, Trishelle says that she's jealous. Frank yells that he doesn't think anything will happen with these girls, and Trishelle says that Steven obviously does. In an interview, Trishelle says that Steven would only ask out sweet girls, and that she hasn't met anyone who's good enough for him. Has she met Steven? Frank talks about how they met the girls. Trishelle says she knows that the girls are skanks, so she shouldn't be jealous. Steven walks in and says that he and Frank have given up on dating girls in Vegas. In an interview, Trishelle says that she was pissed because Steven has never taken her out on a date. In an interview, Steven says he doesn't want to think about what a date with Trishelle would look like, because it hasn't happened and it won't. See? He's an asshole. It's fine if he feels that way, but it's shitty of him to dis her publicly like that. I liked him better when he was all, "I'm the asshole and I don't deserve Trishelle," even if it was all an act. Steven says that Trishelle shouldn't care, and Trishelle says that she does, because she doesn't want him to go out with anyone else.
In an interview, Steven says that he and Frank have been invited to Coyote Ugly. Cut to Steven and Frank cheering loudly as women dance on a bar. In an interview, Frank says, "We were supposed to meet the skanks at 10:15, and they are late for the date." Wait, did he just call them "the skanks"? Unless they stood him up, that's really fucking obnoxious. Steven gets lots and lots of alcohol poured into his mouth by the women in the bar. Then he gets up on the bar and dances with them. Frank screams like a woman. One of the ladies pours a pitcher of water on Steven's bare chest and it's all Flashdance for a minute. In a confessional, Frank says he wants to live it up because they only have a couple of days left. They only have a couple of days left? Please hold on while I do the Dance of Joy.
Okay, I'm back. Suddenly, Steven and Frank are in a taxi with the skanks. What? If everyone else is going to call them that, I might as well, too. One of them holds up her underwear (?) and the other claims she doesn't wear underwear. I'm just going to call them Red Skank and Blonde Skank. Steven and Blonde Skank argue over who's the better kisser. Frank tells Red Skank, "A thong is like a little piece of tissue over a filet mignon." What? He's been spending too much time with Alton. Blonde Skank says that she's thirty, which means she's really thirty-six. She looks about forty. Steven and Blonde Skank start making out. A lot.
When they arrive back at the casino, Steven and Frank are unable to pay the cab driver because he doesn't take credit cards, so Blonde Skank has to pay. Frank and Red Skank walk through the casino holding hands. Frank doesn't know either of the girls' names, but he invites them up to the suite. In an interview, Trishelle says that seeing Steven with the other girls was "like twisting a knife in [her] heart." Steven introduces Brynn to the skanks. Brynn is on the phone, and after the skanks walk away, she says that they're from Coyote Ugly and that the word "ugly" really fits. Heh. Steven introduces the skanks to Trishelle and says that Trishelle has a nice ass. In an interview, Steven says that Trishelle didn't like the skanks. Trishelle starts throwing herself all over Steven as Frank shows off his bedroom. The skanks think the room smells. Trishelle brushes her teeth and then spots Frank making out with Red Skank. Trishelle finds Steven, who was on the Bat Phone talking to the producers for some reason, and they both giggle at Frank getting it on. Blonde Skank sits there bored. No one talks to her. Blonde Skank convinces Red Skank to leave. She's pissed. Frank leaves with them.
The morning, Trishelle talks to Frank about the skanks. Trishelle says that they were cute, but scary. Frank says that Steven was in on it too. Trishelle points out that Steven ran away eventually. Trishelle yells out to Irulan that the girls were Hooters waitresses. Frank tries to defend himself by saying that they were "nice, wholesome girls," and Trishelle says that they were "wholesome in the chest area." Trishelle says that Blonde Skank called her a bitch, and Frank says that she didn't, but she did call Trishelle a cock-blocker. Hee! That's way funnier than "bitch." Trishelle doesn't think that description is accurate.
At the poolside bar, Alton talks to a dancer named Tatiana. Apparently, Alton has talked to her before. Tatiana says he never called her, and urges Alton to take her number again. They go in search of a pen and run into Irulan, who is working. Irulan introduces herself to Tatiana, who insists that they've met before. Tatiana takes Irulan's pen to write down her number. Irulan voice-overs that this is all happening in front of her face. Tatiana goes on and on about her number, and how Alton will lose it. Alton should have just introduced Irulan as his girlfriend and this all could have been prevented. In an interview, Alton says that he's not going to call Tatiana, but that he's taking her number to be polite. Tatiana keeps flirting with Alton right in front of Irulan, and Alton tries to backpedal to appear less guilty. Irulan stalks off.
Alton gives Irulan her pen back and she yells at him. In a joint confessional, Irulan tells Alton that he could have told Tatiana, "No, thank you." Irulan also thinks Alton could have said, "Look at this fly-ass lady right here at the bar. That's my piece." I will never, ever, ever like Irulan, ever (not that I ever did) for referring to herself as someone's "piece." In the confessional, Alton says he feels like an idiot, and Irulan starts screaming about how she has feelings for him and he always has to talk to other girls. Irulan says she feels insecure. Back at the bar, Alton tries to get out of it, and Irulan says he always has an explanation. In the confessional, Alton says he's used to being free to do what he wants any old time. He continues that he doesn't want to be whipped. And then the best part: "I don't want you to feel that I'm doing anything other than you, or anything other than just what I want to do, like rock climbing." Wuh? First of all, did he just call Irulan a thing? And did he say he was doing her? And then compare doing her to rock climbing? Irulan gets mad and practically flashes her boobs at the camera as she gets up to leave.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. Merging recent themes, the most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Jailbreakers starring Shannen Doherty (a.k.a. Brenda Walsh) and Antonio Sabato, Jr. (a.k.a. Jagger from General Hospital). Supposedly, this movie was set in the '50s, but I didn't figure that out until about halfway through because the theme was so half-assed, and Brenda's hair was totally '70s, and her outfits were all very contemporary. I like to think that Brenda refused to wear stupid poodle skirts and threw a hissy and got her way. Anyway, so Brenda is a good girl who falls for Jagger, the bad boy. And her parents don't approve, of course. And the part that made me laugh the hardest was when they were making out and Jagger tried to slide into third base and Brenda said she thought he promised to wait until she was sixteen. Meanwhile, in real life she was, like, thirty. So then they go out and Jagger steals a car, and robs a diner, and steals jewelry for Brenda, which she thinks is totally cool. Until they get pulled over by the cops and Jagger goes to jail. So the whole small town knows that Brenda is tainted so her parents have to move to a new town, like, whose parents would do that? So Brenda gets all new friends and a new boring boyfriend but then she can't take it anymore and she writes Jagger a letter in jail and he busts out of jail and comes to her house and she runs away with him. And meanwhile there's this whole subplot where Jagger and his best friend (played by, weirdly enough, Oscar nominee Adrien Brody) are trying to sell a stolen horse and split the money. So Jagger totally dicks Adrien Brody over and takes all of the money and he and Brenda head to Mexico. And Brenda still thinks it's all cool until they get pulled over by a cop and Jagger kills him with a knife. Like, it was all fine when it was larceny and shit, but murder is too far. So then she makes a few pathetic attempts to get away from him, but finally they end up at the border and they're surrounded by cops and snipers and even Brenda's dad is there with a shotgun, but Jagger is using Brenda as a human shield, but then Adrien Brody roars up on his motorcycle and saves Brenda and Jagger gets shot a million times. And then the absolute most awesome part was that, as Adrien Brody is arrested by the cops and Brenda is reunited with her parents, Brenda steals away and tells Adrien Brody that she'll wait for him until he gets out of jail. Because even though her last jailbird boyfriend turned into a murderer and kidnapper, and was shot down in front of her face, she just wants another bad boy. And meanwhile, Jagger's dead body was lying practically at Brenda's feet. Awesome.
Irulan calls out to Alton from her bed. He doens't answer, so she starts dramatically running around looking for him. She finds him in the Smoker's Lounge and joins him as she voice-overs that "love is stronger than pride." They cuddle in the chair. In an interview, Alton says, "Commitment, to me, it always strikes a fear. But when I do commit, I am committed." Do you think the editors purposely pick clips where Alton makes no sense? Or do you think they pick the clips where he at least partially makes sense and what we're seeing is the best of Alton? There's a scary thought. Then Alton actually picks Irulan up and carries her inside. Do those two think they're in a movie? Because nobody does that in real life.
Alton and Irulan have another whispered bed conversation. Irulan says that if Alton needs to be free, then he should be, but that she can't be a part of that. Irulan says that she doesn't know if it's going to work out with them. Alton says he's not used to checking in, and Irulan sobs that she didn't ask him to. Alton says he has to make his own choices. In an interview, Alton says he's in love with Irulan. Alton says he wants to make her happy and be with her. In an interview, Alton says that he and Irulan are in more of a committed relationship now. I'm going to be committed before this season is over.
At a bar, Trishelle sits on Steven's lap and hugs him. In an interview, Frank says that he doesn't want Trishelle to be hurt, so he thinks she should stop sleeping with Steven. In a confessional, Steven says he's going to avoid "one-on-one contact with Trishelle" for the rest of their stay in Las Vegas. In an interview, Trishelle says that Steven is giving her the cold shoulder. That's mature. Isn't that the preferred breakup technique of, like, high-school juniors? Trishelle tells Steven that she loves him, and he doesn't answer. In a confessional, Steven says every time he looks at Trishelle, he sees "the big huge mistake that [he] made." Ouch. Steven rides up in the elevator sitting on the floor as he voice-overs that he was sleeping with Trishelle for the wrong reasons. Steven goes into his bedroom and lies down, looking upset. Am I supposed to feel bad for him? Because I don't.
Alton asks Trishelle what she wants out of the relationship. Trishelle says she loves Steven more than anything, but that she can't deal with it anymore. In an interview, Trishelle says she falls for guys too quickly and for the wrong reasons. Trishelle tells Alton that Steven will be "eating it" when he sees her with someone else. Trishelle thinks Steven is scared and divorced and she can't deal with it. In an interview, Alton says that he thinks Steven and Trishelle are just going to be friends. Trishelle says she's never been the chaser in the relationship, and she won't start now. "Start"? The music and the black-and-white shot of Trishelle and Steven at the end makes me think I'm supposed to be sad that they aren't still together. I would say I'm happy they broke up, but frankly I don't care. I just hope the "wrapping things up" theme continues.