Shout-out to Djb for his hilarious recap last week. I am not worthy.
No "Previously On" segment, because this episode is about Alton, who's barely been on the show thus far. Alton and Steven dance with lots of ladies at a club. In an interview, Alton claims that the scene is "vibrating," which to me might be a sign of an earthquake, so I'd probably get out of that rooftop bar. At other clubs, Alton dances with more ladies. Alton's cute and all, but at what point will he realize that the cameras have a lot more to do with the groupies than he does? Or maybe he doesn't care. In a confessional, Alton says that the only reason he's been "discreet" is because he thinks he might want to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. So he's been hooking up with women the whole time, but done it off-camera? Unless Alton has a different definition of "discreet" than the rest of the world does, which is entirely possible.
Alton tells Frank that he really loves his ex-girlfriend, Melissa, and he hasn't had sex with any women in Vegas because he really wants to marry Melissa. So you can't get married if you've had sex with other people? What is he, Mormon? In a confessional, Alton says that he can't believe he has "an ex-girlfriend that isn't in love with [him]." Um, isn't that kind of the reason she's the ex-girlfriend and not the current girlfriend? Alton tells Steven and Frank that his feelings for Melissa seem to be resurfacing. Like a submarine. Steven thinks that Alton is only remembering the good parts of their relationship and forgetting the bad. Steve is so proud of himself for coming up with that piece of wisdom that he just sits back and ignores the rest of the conversation, basking in his glorious piece of advice. Alton says that he and Melissa didn't have a lot of bad times. Steven asks why they broke up, and Alton says that Melissa cheated on him. Oh, that's all? That kind of seems like a bad time to me. In an interview, Alton says again that he really plans to get back together with Melissa. Alton tells the guys that Melissa was his best friend first and his girlfriend second, and that he feels really good when he talks to her on the phone. Especially when she tells him that she might be pregnant, but hasn't taken a pregnancy test yet. Or maybe he's forgotten about that phone call.
Alton calls Melissa. She asks what made him call. Now there's a woman who really loves him, and wants to get back together with him. Not. Alton says that he might still love her. Oh, Alton. This is so sad to watch. And not just because the editors have resurrected the dreaded Comic Sans Font of Closed Captioning. In a confessional, Alton says that he misses Melissa and wants to make love to her. So he's horny. Is that what this is all about? Alton tells Melissa that he could have hooked up with a lot of girls, but that he loves her. We don't get to hear Melissa's response. In a confessional, Alton says that he loves her, but that he feels like he shouldn't. Alton asks Melissa if she's hooked up with any guys since the last time they talked. Melissa asks what he has to go there. Yeah, that's information that Alton really doesn't need. They're not together, so she is free to do whatever she wants, and hearing about it is only going to make Alton feel worse. Alton says, "Because, homey, you cheated on me. I don't know where you're at. I don't know where you're at with your whole...just, like...I don't know where you're at." First of all, "homey"? Second of all, was that even a sentence? Alton thinks that when Melissa cheated on him, she had sex with the guy, and she hasn't told Alton that. Again, more information he doesn't need to know, unless she's trying to get back together with him. Which it doesn't really seem like she is. He appears to be the pursuer in this relationship. Anyway, Melissa claims that she just kissed the guy, and Alton doesn't believe her. And he wants to get back together with her why, exactly? He doesn't trust her at all.
Brynn checks her bank balance and finds out that she's overdrawn. Yeah, I can't imagine where all her money goes (bar tab). It's not like she has a lot of expenses (replacement flatware). Brynn goes to Rain to pick up her paycheck. In an interview, Brynn says that she hates her job, and that she doesn't make enough money. Does anyone really look at their paycheck and think, "Wow, I can't believe they pay me so much money! This is crazy." Except, like, Bill Gates. Destiny's Child sings about paying my automobills in the background. Man, J-Dawg hates that song, and whenever it was on the radio (which was every five seconds back in 1999), he would yell out, "'Automobills' is not a word!" He's a cranky old man. In an interview, Brynn says that she could make the same amount that's in her paycheck in three days at some other job. So, go do it! Is there a law that the roommates can't have outside jobs? Clearly not, since Tonya worked as a waitress (when her kidneys allowed).
Alton tells us that when he drinks, he turns into "a sexually charged wild man." Unlike most people, who get really inhibited when they're drunk. At a club, Alton dances with Brynn. In a confessional, Alton says that there was a bikini contest at the club, and that he met up with the girl who won first place. Alton and the girl -- Machela -- eat at a restaurant. She's kind of pretty, but her eyebrows are freaking me out right now. They're like painted on with black paint, and it kind of makes her look like a female impersonator. This episode would be so much more interesting if it ended with Alton singing, "I know all there is to know about the crying game." Machela shows off her prize-winning chest, which frankly, is nothing to write home about. In a confessional, Alton says that he wanted to "get [him] some African." I don’t even know what that means. That Machela is dark-skinned? That she is literally from Africa? I never know what these kids are talking about anymore. Alton feeds Machela a French fry, and their tablemates claim that Machela ate it in a manner which was "sexy as hell." Nelly claims that it's getting hot in herre. I might have left a couple of "R"s out of there.
In a confessional, Arissa complains that Alton brought a "sketchy-ass" woman home who was wearing "a bikini top and nothing else." Like she was naked? Arissa seems completely grossed out. I didn't think Machela was that skanky. Maybe my Skank-o-Meter is broken. I'll have to watch that new Christina (or is it Xtina now?) Aguilera video to recalibrate. Alton gets into the bathtub with Machela, and at least for now, they are both wearing bathing suits. Arissulan are disgusted. I'm still annoyed that anyone tries to pretend that a bathtub with jets is the same as a hot tub. In an interview, Alton says that he knows Arissulan are annoyed with him, and he doesn't care. Brynn and Arissulan giggle and run around in the kitchen. Brynn reveals that Machela is naked. For two people who claim to be disgusted by the whole thing, Arissulan are really interested in the gory details. Alton and Machela are totally having sex in the bathtub. Arissulan walk by in order to get to their room. In a confessional, Arissa says that she was taught that you don't have sex in a communal shower, or where other people have to be. I have to say that in my sexual education, that issue never came up. But I knew plenty of people in college who had sex in communal showers or where other people had to be. I think that happens in any group living situation, and when you add alcohol, and cameras, it's going to happen. Arissa is still disgusted. In an interview, Arissa seems to have finally gotten rid of the under-eye circles as she wonders why Alton would bring some skank into the house and have sex two feet from her bedroom. Because he's drunk and horny? Just a guess. I mean, I can see how that would be annoying and kind of gross, but I don't think all of Arissulan's drama is necessary, and it seems contrived to get more camera time. Because it's not like Steven and Trishelle (and, at times, Brynn) weren't screwing all over the suite prior to this.
Alton and Machela get out of the tub and dry off. In an interview, Alton says that he's never really been into casual sex, and that he never respected it, so this is a side he didn't know he had. Alton hugs Machela (and his pride and self-respect) goodbye. Alton then goes back and wipes out the tub. Hee! I mean, it's the least he could do, but most people wouldn't do it. But if he is going to clean the tub, he could at least use some bleach or something to disinfect it too. In an interview, Alton says he hopes that he can work things out with Arissulan.
Brynn goes to an audition to be a go-go dancer. The most confusing part to me about this whole subplot is that I didn't even know that female go-go dancers still existed. Who didn't take their clothes off. Or maybe they do. In an interview, Brynn says that she's never go-go danced before, but she knew before coming to Vegas that she wanted to do it. Aw. It's nice that Brynn has goals. Coincidentally, Jean (the French guy from their job) is the judge. Wow, the producers couldn't have planned this any better if they had set it up themselves. It's almost like Brynn is guaranteed the job just so that they'll get some good footage. Brynn is, of course, nervous that she's not as good as the other dancers, like anyone cares how well they dance. As long as you're willing to wear a skimpy outfit and shake your (well-toned) ass, I think that's all the job requires. Brynn dances along with a couple of other girls. She seems fine to me. She does seem to have her feet planted too far apart which, combined with the giant clunky boots she's wearing, gives her a lumberjack look, which isn't all that flattering. Jean thanks the women for auditioning. Brynn tells us that she doesn't think she's going to get the job. Because the day that Brynn has some self-confidence is that day that Trishelle makes an intelligent statement. (Sorry for the random Trishelle-bashing, but she's barely in this episode, so I had to get it in somewhere.)
Arissulan discuss Alton and his skanky friend. Irulan felt uncomfortable, but feels like it's Alton's business. Arissa doesn't think she should have to feel uncomfortable in her own house. Well, that's part of living with six other people, so get used to it. It's not always comfortable, or convenient, but it's what you signed up for. Arissa wonders why they couldn't go to Machela's house. Maybe Machela has six roommates, too! Maybe she lives with her parents. Maybe she's homeless. Irulan therapy-speaks that Arissa's feelings are valid, just as Alton walks out. In an interview, Alton says that no matter whom he brings home, Arissulan would have issues. That's so true. Arissa says again that she was uncomfortable in her own house, and that the bathtub is a community space that she had to pass to get to her room. It's nice that they can all talk this out, but they are seriously acting like Alton brought a gun into the house or something. The DRAMA. It's unbearable. Alton apologizes, and says that he didn't plan it out ahead of time, and he knows being drunk was no excuse. He promises to change his behavior in the future. time he brings home a skank, he'll be more discreet. Except he doesn’t know what "discreet" means, so that might be difficult. In an interview, Arissa says that Alton didn't do anything "true wrong," but that he recognized her discomfort and promised to take her feelings into consideration. In an interview, Alton says that he's "not a player," because he was with Melissa for three and a half years and never cheated.
Alton goes into the van in the parking garage and calls Melissa on a cell phone. In an interview, Alton says that he wanted Melissa to know that he's not a perfect angel just waiting around for her. In other words, he wanted to hurt her like she hurt him. Let's not pretend it's anything different. Instead of letting us hear the actual conversation, we get to see Alton in a confessional recapping it. Alton told Melissa that he had sex with Machela, and then asked her again if she had sex with that other guy. Melissa admitted that she did. Cut to Alton yelling at Melissa for lying to him. Dude. It's over. She clearly doesn't care about you. Move on. He also calls her "homey" again. I don’t know. This whole conversation makes no sense to me. Melissa claims that she's sorry she cheated, and Alton says that she's not sorry. Alton either has to decide to forgive her and drop it, or give up all hope of having a relationship. Because they can't have a relationship where he's trying to punish her for cheating on him and trying to catch her in lies all of the time. Also, yawn.
Jean calls Brynn and asks her to be a substitute go-go dancer. There's a job description that you won't find in most high-school guidance offices. Brynn breaks the good news to her roommates, who are like, "Whatever."
Alton walks out of the parking garage. In an interview, Alton says that when your best friend betrays you, you don't know whom to trust. How about getting a new best friend? Alton tells Arissa what happened and admits that he only told Melissa what he did to get her to tell him the truth. Alton asks Arissa what he should do, and whether he should cut things off with Melissa. Arissa asks if he'll be comfortable with the decision in five months. And now, tonight's segment of Arissa Explains It All (tm docmatt). Arissa says that people cheat and make mistakes. Alton says that the other guy was ugly and dumb. Arissa says that Alton needs to figure out whether the relationship is worth it. Alton says that it isn't. Arissa tells him to let it go, then.
Brynn go-go dances at Rain. Steven, Trishelle, and Frank watch. People stick money in Brynn's bikini. In an interview, Brynn says that dancing is fun because "everyone is looking at you." Did I mention in the first episode that Brynn is a self-centered attention whore? Because nothing so far has served to change my mind on that issue. In an interview, Frank says, "This is Brynn's calling. Brynn should be a go-go dancer for the rest of her life." Ha! I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or a burn, but it was funny. Back home, Brynn counts out her money and everyone cheers. At the risk of repeating myself: yawn. Who cares?
Alton goes to the hotel bar and proceeds to get drunk. After a few drinks, he starts talking to some middle-aged dude sitting to him, named Billy. Alton and Billy are new drunk best friends. Alton says that he'll never fall in love again, and that women are evil. Billy tells Alton that he'll never be able to figure out women. Would you take advice on your love life from some scary middle-aged dude who hangs out alone in a casino bar? Alton babbles on and on about how sensitive he is, and how kind he is, and how that's not weakness, and how unique it is to be kind. Alton slurs that he's so angry and mad, and then he starts crying. Oh, it's bad enough to get drunk and cry, but it's even worse to do it on national television.
Then there's some thunder and lightning because Alton is mad! He's so mad that he gets out of bed and drunkenly starts kicking things. In a confessional, Steven says that he doesn't know what's going on with Alton. Steven gets Alton to go back to bed. Alton lies there sobbing, and Steven gives him a couple of pats on the shoulder. I seriously expected Steven to get in bed with Alton and hold him. I just got that vibe.
The morning, there's more thunder and lightning. In an interview, Alton says that he respected Melissa and he didn't get respect back. Alton tells Irulan that the big difference between what he and Melissa did is this: Melissa didn't sleep with Alton after he hooked up with Machela. Alton slept with Melissa after she cheated on him, and we already know that they didn’t use condoms due to the pregnancy scare. Alton, homey, get tested. In an interview, Irulan says that Alton is dealing with "his own male ego" and "trust issues." Irulan proclaims that when Alton least expects it, someone else will come along that will erase all of the bad feelings about Melissa. In an interview, Irulan says that she thinks Alton listens to her, and that she hopes it helps. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan's friendship means a lot to him. Wow, it's almost like they are foreshadowing a hookup between those two.
week: Alton walks around naked. Irulan says that she's really far away from her boyfriend and she's horny. Irulan and Alton make out and Irulan suggests to Frank that he leave the room. Alton asks Irulan if she's going to tell her boyfriend. Nothing creates drama like a hookup between roommates! Or, in the case of this season, another hookup between roommates.