The Real World S11E26

As befits a season set in Las Vegas (or any recent season of The Real World, really), the show opens with a montage of debauchery. I might have to copyright the phrase Montage of Debauchery because I feel like I'm going to be using it a lot this season. Anyway, we see footage of people gambling, having threesomes in a hot tub, drinking champagne, screaming at each other, and getting their freak on. Not all at the same time. Well, at least not yet. The season hasn't started. Give it a few episodes.

The credits list off four of the seven deadly sins (greed, gluttony, lust, and anger) while showing footage to illustrate each one. Given that the roommates seem to traipse about half-dressed much of the time, I have a hard time believing that gluttony will come into play at all here. Theo and CJP from the Chicago cast introduce themselves and welcome us. CJP tells us that they are in "Sin City, also known as Las Vegas." Wow, thank you for telling me that. Despite the fact that they are both wearing white bathrobes, Theo is still sporting that god-awful puka-shell necklace. Every time CJP talks, Theo is clearly reading her lines from either cue cards or a teleprompter, because he's looking off-camera. CJP tries her best to impress all the casting agents who are so not watching this crappy special. CJP introduces the first tape.

We are introduced to Brynn, a peppy-looking twenty-one-year-old from Portland, Oregon. In footage from her audition tape, Brynn explains that her father is gay and that her mother is in rehab. As if that wasn't enough material for B/M to cast her immediately, she tosses out that she had a threesome. Did she even bother making the rest of the audition tape? Because she was so in at that point. In casting, Brynn explains that when she goes out, she picks out a guy and always gets him. Then we see footage of her puking in a public toilet stall. Nice. In a casting session, Brynn says that if one her guy friends is talking to a gorgeous girl, she gets jealous and insecure. Then she totally glances at the camera and smiles. She's so incredibly fake. I really think she's as messed-up as she says, but I also think she knows how to play that up for the camera. All this from two minutes of footage. Brynn tells the casting people that she "really, really, really" wants to be on one of their shows. No, really? Because talking about your fucked-up family, promiscuity, excessive drinking, and insecurity didn't convince me of all that yet. Brynn concludes, "If someone pisses me off, then, you know, watch out." Wow, I'm so scared of the tiny crazy girl. Theo and CJP agree that Brynn is pretty, and CJP thinks that Brynn has a little Tonya in her. Theo segues to the segment in as clunky a manner as possible.

The roommate is Arissa, a twenty-two-year-old from Walden, Massachusetts. As we see footage of Arissa modeling, she tells us that her mom is black and her dad is white. Arissa also has a boyfriend at home. Not for long! I'm just guessing. Arissa says that she and her boyfriend have never been separated, and even when they break up, it's only for two or three weeks. Do they break up a lot? Because that seems kind of weird to me. And high school-ish. Arissa is very pretty, though, and very soft-spoken, at least in her interviews. Arissa says that she's only slept with three people in her life, and she's twenty-two. Was that supposed to shock me? Am I supposed to think she's inexperienced? Because it doesn't, and I don't. Arissa says that she discovered she was good in bed at some point, and wonders if they will videotape her having sex, because it gets intense. It's hard to tell if she's joking. I think she's joking around, but she's so deadpan that it's hard to tell. Arissa says that people who are serious all of the time are boring. Amen. We need more people like her on the show. So far, I kind of like her. Or at least I like her better than Brynn. Which isn't saying much.

CJP tells us that one of the seven deadly sins is sloth ("which means laziness" -- how dumb do they think we are?), and that when you are in Vegas, you have to sleep all day so you're ready for the crazy nights. Thank God for blackout curtains. A guy delivers a package to Brynn, and it contains VIP passes for something. Arissa reads something aloud about their job, which will be at the Palms Casino and Resort (which is also where they are living). I guess they have no excuse for blowing off work, when all they have to do is take an elevator downstairs. Mark, their boss, explains that he throws parties to promote things, and that it's very simple. I'm sure they'll still screw it up. In an interview, Brynn says that she doesn't like the job, and she needs someone to tell her when to be there, or she won't do it. I already hate her. Go work at K-Mart as a cashier. Punch a clock and make minimum wage. Or grow the fuck up. Mark the Boss tells Arissa (I think) that if people suck at the job, they will be suspended. Brynn says that she's very irresponsible when it comes to work. Well, she's on the right show, then. Mark the Boss wears a terrible-looking bandanna that I think has been Bedazzled as he tells one of the roommates that he's going to start docking pay because the work isn't getting done. Arissa tells someone that she's never been fired from a job. Some foreign guy tells the roommates that their work ethic sucks. Hee! I love the foreign guy. Mark tells the roommates that they can't drink while they work, and it's a big deal. Cut to the roommates drinking while they work. Arissa says that their boss might be schizophrenic. Some girl says that they won't be able to do the work in seventy-two hours. Someone else says that Mark the Boss thinks they can't get the job done. I'm sure the kids will pull together and triumph, but only after three or four fights, and it will be like the one piece of work they do all season, and then they will be all self-congratulatory about it, when most people have to work every day of their lives, and don't get VIP passes to concerts or meet famous people. Ingrates.

Theo babbles some more, and then CJP brings up some more deadly sins: lust and envy. Every time she says something, she shakes her head around in the most fake way possible. She would be a perfect morning-show host in some city like Dayton, Ohio. I could totally see her doing a Regis and Kelly rip-off in some third- or fourth-tier media city, all the while telling her friends in St. Louis that she's sure she's going to be offered a job in New York or L.A. any day now. But she never will. Theo looks everywhere but into the camera as he promises to show us the hookups when we return from commercial. As fakey and annoying as CJP is at being the host, Theo is just bad. I imagine that every sentence required multiple takes for him, and in the end, they were like, "Just say something about sex and throw us to commercial" because he couldn't get the line right.

When we return, suddenly Theo and CJP aren't wearing bathrobes anymore. I mean, they've changed into regular clothes. They aren't naked or anything. Thank God. Theo asks what Vegas would be without sex. Um, I think it would still be Vegas. Have you been there lately? Maybe there wouldn't be as many people on street corners passing out flyers. But everything's been pretty sanitized in the last few years. CJP asks what The Real World would be without sex. I'm guessing this won't be the season that we find out. ["Not to mention that CJP did her share to make sure we didn't find out last season, either." -- Wing Chun] Another few stilted line readings later, CJP introduces the two roommates.

First up is Steven, a twenty-three-year-old from San Marcos, Texas. He is a cheeseball. He looks like the host of some syndicated late-night dating game show. Steven says that he's a topless bartender at a gay bar, but he's a heterosexual male. Keep telling yourself that, dude. I mean, if he is completely straight, it's nice that he's so open-minded. But he doesn't throw off a completely straight vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Steven is divorced, because he got married too young, was an asshole, and slept around. Steven tells us how good-looking he is, and goofy, and happy all the time. He doesn't have a thought in his head, does he? His poor ex-wife.

Our roommate is Trishelle, who has already been dubbed everything from Trashelle to Trash-Hell by our forum posters. But seriously. Trishelle? You can be Trish or you can be Elle, but you can't be both at the same time. Pick a name and go with it. Anyway, she's a twenty-two-year-old from somewhere in Louisiana. She reminds me of Krusta from Big Brother. In her audition tape, Trishelle tells us that her mother died when she was fourteen, and she "went crazy for a little while." Her dad got remarried six months after the funeral. Ouch! Trishelle wishes her father were more supportive, and that he would tell her that he's proud of her and wants her to be happy. She is screaming, "Love me, Daddy!" Trishelle has never been to Vegas, but she goes out with her friends six nights a week. She sells her plasma for beer money. Which is actually double the fun because you get money for the plasma, and then you get drunk faster because of the loss of blood. Not that I'm advocating drinking after giving blood. Trishelle likes to hang out with the band after the concert, and she toured with one band that she does not name. She was "kind of dating one of the guys in the band." "Dating"? Try "fucking." Trishelle says that she has a lot of boys in her apartment, and she likes the baseball team. As I've said last season with regards to CJP, I don't care if she wants to screw half the men in Vegas. But she so clearly has daddy issues and she's trying to resolve them by sleeping with a lot of guys in the hopes that one of them will love her like her daddy never did. And it's sad. Trishelle also likes women, and lately she's been more attracted to women than men. In other words, "Pay attention to me! Love me! My momma died and my daddy don't love me! Someone look at me and love me!" That's the vibe I get. CJP says that Trishelle is "kind of sweet in an 'I was an Incubus groupie' sort of way." Hello? Should CJP be ripping on other people for hooking up with people in bands? Theo wonders if Steven will be the pimp in the house. Theo has a problem with the finger quotes.

CJP introduces us to the hooking-up montage. Brynn predicts that someone will hook up in the house. Steven says that his weakness is beautiful women. Arissa is horny and wants to kiss Steve's mouth. Brynn and Trishelle express their admiration for each other in interviews, and then hang out naked in the hot tub with Steven. Steven thinks that Trishelle is sexy. Some roommate we haven't met yet loves Trishelle. Steven bites Brynn's belt in a dance club. Trishelle and Brynn shower together. Arissa thinks she's stuck in a porno. Three people are in bed together. Man, this season is going to be OFF the HOOK! Sorry, I've watched that Fastlane promo a few too many times.

CJP introduces the roommates as "a smartie." Does it take much to be considered a smartie on this show? Since the majority of the roommates are lucky to have two brain cells to rub together, anyone with an average intellect looks like a genius. Anyway, the smartie in question is Frank, a twenty-two-year-old from Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. He's applying to graduate school, and had the ideal childhood, although he was a bit spoiled. He uses his mom's credit card to buy his mom a Christmas present. In high school, Frank was a long-haired pot-smoking hippie. Dude, he was in Nowheresville, Pennsylvania. What else was there to do but smoke pot? But he did correctly use antithesis, so points for that. Frank says that he always gets girls who are "pure." He details his ex-girlfriends' sexual histories, which I'm sure they appreciate, and says that he likes the untainted girls. So he's a pedophile? I'm just saying.