Scenes of Tonya packing everything she owns into, like, twenty thousand tiny Amazon boxes flash by. First of all, nice product placement. Second of all, wouldn't it be easier to get one big box instead of twenty thousand little ones? Probably when Tonya was in foster care, she wasn't allowed to have big boxes, and so she never learned of their existence, and now she doesn't have the money to buy a big box, due to her endless medical debt. Maybe she can use the money she solicited from the people at the mtv.com boards to buy a big box of her own. Meanwhile, Keri is reading a map, and CJP hangs out with some Sensitive Guitar Boy. And Kyle, having freed himself up to explore his feminine side after he modeled last week, is putting a whole vat of gel into his hair.
In an interview, Tonya says that she's removing herself from the experience. Whoa! What happened to Tonya's hair? It's like she tried to slick it back with gel, but then since it's naturally curly, it didn't quite work, so it just looks like a mullet. Anyway, Tonya rolls her eyes as she explains that she's supported her roommates like she's apparently contractually obligated to do, and now it's time to go home. Aneesa walks into Tonya's room and comments that it seems a bit early to be packing. Why complain? I'd be helping the bitch throw her stuff in her tiny boxes and kicking her ass out the door. In an interview, Aneesa says there's a lot about Tonya that she doesn't understand. You and me both, sister. Aneesa adds that she doesn't know why Tonya's even there. You and me both, sister. Aneesa concludes that Tonya just wants to go home. You and me...oh, that doesn't quite work there. In a totally different interview, Aneesa says that Tonya seems in such a hurry to go home, it makes the rest of them wonder if she even cares about them. I will never understand why all of the roommates have to be BFF. If you put me in a house with six randomly selected strangers, I would never feel the need to be best friends with all or any of them. Civil, yes. Best friends? I've got a best friend. I don't need another one.
Sensitive Guitar Boy plays and sings something about "tater pie" in the living room. Kyle and Theo both listen in and smile. In an interview, CJP explains that Sensitive Guitar Boy is named Matt, and that he's a friend of hers from St. Louis. He heard her sing once and insisted that they work on music together. It's just like Glitter! Or so I've heard. I certainly haven't watched that mess. Yet. Anyway, I'm just going to call Matt SGB (Sensitive Guitar Boy) because he's friends with CJP, and then I can spend the interim between seasons of this show answering emails asking me, "What's SGB stand for? Don't you know his name was Matt? Duh!" And I love that shit. SGB and CJP sing some stupid song together. CJP has a nice voice, but that's it. Nice. It's not extraordinary in any way. She sounds like every girl who used to harmonize on "Land of Canaan" at Open Mike Night in college and then thought they had a chance at a music career because all of her friends were like, "Oh my God! I got goose bumps! You sound just like Natalie Merchant! Sing 'These Are Days' again!" And by "every girl" I mean "me." Anyway. CJP voice-overs that her plan is to "move to Los Angeles and then audition for things." Wow, that's original. I bet there's hardly anyone in Los Angeles who auditions for things. What a trendsetter! She's lucky she won't have any competition for those "things" she's talking about. Theo listens to the music and then claps when they finish. Probably because they stopped.
All of the roommates, including Tonya and Chris, arrive at dinner. Tonya has that mullet look, so now I think it was the result of having her hair up in a ponytail to work out, and then taking it down without showering or anything, so on top of everything else, she probably smells. CJP tells Tonya that she's disappointed, but that it's the last night, so she doesn't want to hold a grudge. In a confessional, Chris says that CJP got her feelings hurt, and he knows it was selfish to go to the gym, so he apologized. CJP accepts Chris's apology. Tonya says that she doesn't feel bad about it. In an interview, CJP says that Tonya just got defensive instead of apologizing.
CJP drags Aneesa into the bar to talk shit about Tonya. In an interview, Aneesa says that CJP is finally saying that she doesn't like Tonya, and no one says that you have to like everyone. Thank you! That's what I'm saying. If Tonya and Chris didn't want to go see CJP's shitty performance, they don't have to! They joined everyone for dinner. It would have been nice if they had told CJP earlier instead of leaving a message, but do you expect any less from these self-involved freaks at this point? CJP talks to Aneesa as if she's talking to Tonya, saying that she stayed in the hospital for four nights, even though she hates hospitals. Wow, CJP is so brave to say that right to Aneesa's face! Except not. I have nothing against shit-talking; in fact, I invite it. But don't do it, and then talk about how brave you are. To wit: in an interview, Kyle says that three months ago, CJP would have just pouted about Tonya and not enjoyed herself because she didn't want to disrupt things. Yeah, she's really grown. Instead of being nice to someone's face and thinking bad things in her head, now she's nice to someone's face and says bad things out loud to someone else.
Aneesa and CJP return to the table. CJP asks Tonya if she'll switch seats with Aneesa so that Tonya and CJP don't have to sit to each other. Are you fucking kidding me? I haven't pulled that move since the seventh grade, and it was immature even then. Tonya, who I like for about two seconds, refuses to move. And then I notice that Tonya's sweater has fringe at the end of the sleeves, and it's pink, and I hate her all over again. In an interview, Tonya says CJP knows that making her feel rejected is the way to hurt her. Tonya tells CJP that CJP just wants to talk shit to Aneesa, and that she should stop acting like a child. CJP screws her face up like she can't believe Tonya would refuse, and says that she would really like it if Tonya would move. Tonya refuses again. In an interview, CJP says she knows it was a petty move, and immature. Tonya apologizes for missing CJP's "performance," but she won't move because of it. Then they cut in a few shots of everyone looking down at the table so it seems like everyone is uncomfortable. In an interview, Kyle says that "the new bad-ass" CJP didn't just sit there and take it. Yeah! She sure showed Tonya! By asking her to...switch seats. That's being assertive. Finally, Tonya does switch seats. In an interview, Tonya says that she decided to let CJP win, because she doesn't care anymore, and she's ready for this experience to be over. Kyle, that fucking hypocrite, reaches over and rubs Tonya's back, like he's so sensitive and supportive. Asshole.
The food arrives. Aneesa makes a toast to six wonderful people who are now part of her family. Chris says he's going to take six footprints in his heart. That is the lamest thing I've ever heard. Also, ouch. Someone asks if Chris has six or twelve footprints. Chris jokes that they were each hopping on one foot. In an interview, CJP says that because it's the last night, her emotions changed from anger to forgiveness. Aw. How big of her. CJP does a toast to forgiveness. Well, at least she's not making a huge fucking drama out of it. Just let it go! Keri speaks up for the first time this episode and says, "God bless everything that you do."
The roommates are still packing. Hey, there are some bigger boxes there! Dreams really do come true. Also, the fish are still alive. That has to be a first. While everyone else packs, Tonya is, surprisingly, on the phone. Theo worries that he's damaging the wallpaper by taking down his posters. Wow, it's fascinating watching the roommates fold shirts. In an interview, CJP says that Tonya just wants to marry Justin and get out of there. Wouldn't it be ironic if they broke up already? I'm just saying. Watch the reunion week and see. In an interview, Tonya says that she's learned how to pack up and leave. Because she's a foster child, y'all. And she doesn't know her mother's maiden name! And she doesn't have a birth certificate! And she doesn't have anyone to fall back on! Except Darren. Poor, sad sack Darren. Tonya tells Justin that everyone wants to have a night of goodbyes, but she's just ready to go, and she's already mentally checked out. She feels like the mushy shit is just really shallow. In an interview, Tonya says that the whole experience has really validated that Justin is the one for her. They are so breaking up.
CJP proposes that they all go in the hot tub. So, they do. In an interview, CJP reminds us that they all got in the hot tub together on the first day and on the last day. It's flashback time. Aneesa kissing Feminem. Aneesa screaming at Feminem on the street. Theo yelling, "Shut the fuck up! Shut up!" Theo and Tonya fighting in the van and Tonya crying. CJP says that making out with the rock star probably wasn't her smartest move. I bet Big Head Todd feels like making out with her probably wasn't his smartest move either. Especially if you replace "making" with "eating." I'm just saying. I hear things.
CJP proves her innate camp counselor personality by suggesting that they all go around and say something nice about the person to their left. CJP says that Theo is talented, and that he impressed her with his work with the kids in the program. Theo says that he thanks God that Aneesa is in his life. In an interview, Aneesa says that Theo is her heart, and that he's the same person as her, without tits. Aneesa thinks that Theo is a gentleman, but "a little pimp" at the same time. Aneesa says that Chris has gone out of his way to make her life a little easier. So what she likes about him is what he's done for her? Typical. Chris apparently had nothing to say about Keri, or at least they didn't show it. Keri has to talk about Kyle, and clearly has nothing good to say, so she lamely concludes that "he's been a very good friend...to all of us." Heh. In an interview, Keri says she didn't want to attach herself to anyone, and she hates that she hung out with Kyle for so long. In a confessional, Kyle does damage control in one last desperate attempt to convince Nicole that Keri meant nothing to him. It seriously looks like he's reading a statement from a piece of paper. He says that he regrets anything romantic or flirtatious with Keri, and that he was confused. What an asshole. Tonya thanks the group for supporting her when she was in the hospital. In an interview, Tonya says that getting sick allowed her to let her guard down. Or lie more. You make the call. In an interview, CJP (who is like the star of this episode) says the usual platitudes about them being family, blah blah blah siblingcakes. Isn't it time for them to leave yet?
Finally, it's moving-out day. Aneesa is sleeping in bed with Kyle. Slowly, the roommates wake up, and we get, like, ten more shots of Amazon boxes. Wow, I'm suddenly seized with the urge to go online and buy a book or DVD. In an interview, CJP reminds us that it's the last day in the house, and that it's emotional. The bell rings and some delivery people bring in some food. Chris runs up the stairs with yet another Amazon box. Good Lord! The food is courtesy of Lara and Kim, their bosses in the Rec program. In the world of Real World bosses, Lara and Kim were pretty lame. They probably even rank below the Turtleneck Twins from last season. The roommates start eating and crowing about how good the food is. Keri urges everyone just to stick their faces into their food. Theo does so immediately. Keri and Chris do as well, and everyone laughs when Chris comes up with a sausage sticking out of his mouth. They all urge Tonya to do it, but she refuses. They all start clapping and finally she gives in and claps along. In an interview, Keri says it's hard to believe that she could love these people after such a short length of time. I find it hard to believe she could love them at all, ever.
The roommates all get into the elevator and head downstairs. In an interview, CJP says that she hasn't been mentally preparing herself for this goodbye. She's wearing a white vest that looks like a scarf and her sunglasses on top of her head, and she looks like Amelia Earhart or a pilot headed out on a barnstorming tour. Keri is apparently first to go. She's wearing a candy necklace, and her roommates all take turns eating the candy from her neck. Which is cute, but also kind of gross. In an interview, Keri say that she'll probably miss Kyle the most because she probably won't talk to him much when it's over. Kyle takes a bite of the candy necklace, but he makes sure to make a goofy face and stay as far away from Keri's neck as possible, and does everything but hold up a sign saying, "Look, Nicole! I'm not flirting or being romantic!" In a confessional, Kyle reads from his statement that it's upsetting to him that things are ending this way. Keri boards the train and blows kisses to everyone. In an interview, Keri says that she's never been away from her family this long, but she knows now that she can be by herself and be okay. Bye, Keri! You were the only one who didn't really annoy me!
The roommates walk down the street. Kyle says that he still hasn't mentally grasped the fact that they're leaving. That's because he's been using up all of his meager brainpower to think of ways to make it look like he never encouraged Keri or led her on in any way. Tonya spots her taxi across the street. They all pretend they're sad to see her go, and she pretends she's going to miss them. In an interview, CJP says that Tonya has a wonderful heart and wonderful soul, and then adds oddly, "I don't know if you and I should ever talk again." Wuh? That was weird. Tonya hugs Chris. In an interview, Kyle says he's disappointed that Tonya didn't embrace them more as a family, but she has Justin at home, and that's her priority. Until they break up. In a confessional, Tonya says that she's learned what she wants to change about herself (get rich by marrying Justin), and what she loves about herself and will never change (keeping Darren on the side for emergency funds). Tonya finally leaves. Aneesa and CJP are crying, of course.
Now it's time for Chris and Theo to leave. All right! We get to knock off two at once! Kisses and hugs are exchanged. Kyle says that he's proud of his friendship with Chris. See, Nicole! He can be tolerant of the gays, too! But he's not gay, and he never had any flirtatious or romantic times with Chris. Aneesa sobs as she hugs Theo. In an interview, Aneesa says that Theo was somewhat immature at first, but now she loves him to death. In an interview, Theo says that if Aneesa ever needs anything, and her family isn't around, she can call him and he'll be there for her. It takes Theo and Chris, like, twenty minutes to get in the car. Kyle jumps onto the front bumper and does this bizarre bouncing/humping maneuver and then, like, a ballet leap off. He pointed his toes and everything. It made me realize that Kyle is, like, five feet tall. And half of that is head. Kyle, CJP, and Aneesa wave goodbye. Aneesa is overwhelmed with emotion, and walks away. Kyle looks at her and realizes that he should probably be crying too, if he wants to keep up his sensitive-guy image, so he runs his hands through his hair and goes, "God!" Woo! Oscar reel! What a performance. In the van, Chris tells Theo that he loves him. Theo says that he loves Chris, too. And then they make out.
It's Kyle's turn. Aneesa and CJP walk up to the train platform and wait with him. They all hold hands, like, if they were going to have a threeway, maybe they should have started a little earlier. Kyle warns both CJP and Aneesa to be careful -- CJP with men and Aneesa with women. Well, thanks for clarifying that. In an interview, CJP says that Kyle's time here has reaffirmed his love for Nicole. And then Kyle slips her a twenty. In an interview, Kyle says that he's going to fly to New York and surprise Nicole. And then she's going to kick his ass to the curb, because she apparently has an ounce of sense. In a confessional, Kyle says that the roommates are linked for the rest of their lives. Kyle's train leaves. CJP says that a little part of her heart is on that train, and a little part is on Keri's train. Apparently, none of her heart is in Tonya's cab, or Theo and Chris's van. Aneesa doesn't want any part of CJP's drama, so she says, "And now there are two." They walk back to the loft. God, could this be any more drawn out?
Now they are standing on the platform with Aneesa's things. They hug. The train comes. They blow kisses. Aneesa sniffles. That's Aneesa's whole sendoff? Dang.
CJP walks back to the loft alone. She loads her bag into a cab. In a confessional, CJP says that she adores her roommates, and they all lucked out. Maybe they did, but the audience didn't. CJP gets to give her final thoughts on each of her roommates. She thinks that Theo is a "dichotomy of drive and focus and party animal and womanizer." And homophobe. She forgot that part. Also, I think a dichotomy refers to two things, not four. CJP thinks that Tonya is both a "hardcore bitch and passionate, loving listener." Aneesa is a free spirit. Keri is both a Southern debutante and a "man-izing she-man." Was that a compliment? CJP will miss Kyle's "over-analytical bullshit." Well, she got the second part right. I guess Chris doesn't merit a mention, since he was invisible this season. CJP concludes that she grew up while she was in Chicago. Except replace "grew" with "hooked." CJP concludes that she's more independent than she realized. The camera pans over the empty loft. Thank fucking God. Except there's a reunion week. Sigh.